1. Stand and deliver, coachman!Copy !req
2. Hand me that musket
or I'll blow your brains out!Copy !req
3. Very well, coachman. You were warned.
Now prepare to meet thy maker.Copy !req
4. Bang!Copy !req
5. Lord Woolford, I'll give you three seconds
to open the carriage doorCopy !req
6. or I'll smash the glass.Copy !req
7. Sma—Copy !req
8. Smash!Copy !req
9. - I warned you, Lord Woolford!
- Whack!Copy !req
10. - That's great, Ray.
- Thanks, Danny.Copy !req
11. - Why am I doing sound effects?
- Just following the client's instructions.Copy !req
12. Here we go, one minute into the job,
Toast starts complaining.Copy !req
13. You've got a script. Quit your bellyaching
and be professional!Copy !req
14. Fuck off! It's just me saying the words!Copy !req
15. - Hi, Steven. I'm Clem Fandango.
- I know who you are.Copy !req
16. It's just me saying the words. Why?Copy !req
17. Well, in the script, it's indicated
at various places, so for instance...Copy !req
18. "During the robbery,
we need the sound of a bang."Copy !req
19. Well, then use the sound
of a real gunshot!Copy !req
20. Not just me saying "bang!"Copy !req
21. And later on here it says, "honk!"Copy !req
22. Sound of a horn, yeah.Copy !req
23. Well, "honk" doesn't sound like a horn,
it just sounds like a fella going, "Honk!"Copy !req
24. Might have something to help you there.Copy !req
25. Good call, Danny.Copy !req
26. - Thanks.
- Cheers.Copy !req
27. - Alright, Steven. In your own time.Copy !req
28. In your own time.Copy !req
29. - That's great, Steven.Copy !req
30. Keep going.Copy !req
31. Ah, Ormond. How are you?Copy !req
32. Mighty glad to be getting out
of this place, I can tell you, Ed.Copy !req
33. - Ah, Toast, you're here too.
- Alright, old chap? Are you ready?Copy !req
34. Thanks for collecting me, you two.
Loyal friends. Loyal friends.Copy !req
35. We'll have you safely back
in your cozy flat in a couple of hours.Copy !req
36. Terrific.Copy !req
37. I wonder if we might just stop off
down the road.Copy !req
38. There's a delightful looking
old country pubCopy !req
39. that I saw from the ambulance
on the way here.Copy !req
40. Is that wise, Ormond?Copy !req
41. You've just spent three months in rehab
for chronic alcoholism.Copy !req
42. Oh, nonsense!
I'm completely cured now.Copy !req
43. One little snifter's hardly gonna make
any difference.Copy !req
44. What do you think, Toast?Copy !req
45. Alright, but just the one, though.Copy !req
46. What the hell do you know
about the theater?Copy !req
47. I was treading the boards and
powdering my face when your motherCopy !req
48. was powdering your arse!Copy !req
49. A bit of a slip-up.Copy !req
50. Mightily glad to be
out of this place, Ed, I can tell you.Copy !req
51. Thanks for collecting me, you two.Copy !req
52. Loyal friends. Loyal friends.Copy !req
53. We'll have you safely back
in your cozy flat in a couple of hours.Copy !req
54. I wonder if we might just stop off—Copy !req
55. Now remember what happened last time,
Ormond?Copy !req
56. We went to that pub, you got wildly drunkCopy !req
57. and we had to immediately drop you off
back in rehab.Copy !req
58. Come on, boys.
It's hardly likely to happen again, is it?Copy !req
59. Have I seen Shopping and Fucking?Copy !req
60. Somebody actually called their play
Shopping and Fuck...Copy !req
61. We are teetering on the eve of SodomCopy !req
62. and you tell me that this is progress?Copy !req
63. Honestly, Toast!Copy !req
64. I gave you strict, simple instructions
to take him home, but no!Copy !req
65. You had the great idea of
transporting a recovering alcoholicCopy !req
66. straight from rehab to the pub!Copy !req
67. Seven times!Copy !req
68. Jane, you don't know
how persuasive he can be.Copy !req
69. Just the one, he said.Copy !req
70. They all say that, you cretin!
This always happens when he's not working.Copy !req
71. Luckily, when he comes out
in three months' time,Copy !req
72. I've got him a job in
Man of Sex at the Playhouse.Copy !req
73. Man of Sex? Isn't that the play
I'm doing with Ray bloody Purchase?Copy !req
74. Yes. And you both
can keep an eye on OrmondCopy !req
75. and make sure he stays off the sauce!Copy !req
76. Well, luckily, he's hardly in it.Copy !req
77. Ah, yes!Copy !req
78. Why did you say, "Ah, yes"
to me like that, Jane?Copy !req
79. Sorry, I should have been looking for a
piece of paper on my desk shouldn't it?Copy !req
80. - Now... Ah, yes!Copy !req
81. - Well, what is it?
- Well, this might interest you.Copy !req
82. - Your ex-wife Ellen...
- My ex-wife Ellen...Copy !req
83. She's about to publish a book.Copy !req
84. What kind of book? Is it fiction?
Jilly Cooper-type of thing?Copy !req
85. - No, not fiction. Autobiography I imagine.
- Oh, God!Copy !req
86. Obviously you were married to her
for 12 years.Copy !req
87. - Anything we need to be worried about?Copy !req
88. Any skeletons in your cupboard
she's likely to uncover?Copy !req
89. Well, she's bound to mention me a lot,
and it won't be entirely flattering.Copy !req
90. - When did you last see her?
- About a year ago.Copy !req
91. No, Ellen!Copy !req
92. If you wanna gain entrance to the house,
you'll have to go through your lawyers.Copy !req
93. Out of my way, Toast!
- No, Ellen, I'm standing firm.Copy !req
94. Don't ever tell meCopy !req
95. - what to do!Copy !req
96. - Ooh!Copy !req
97. Funny! Funny stuff!Copy !req
98. No, it wasn't, Jane!
I was in tremendous pain.Copy !req
99. Anyway, I'm off up the hill
to Bedfordshire. Literally.Copy !req
100. Bedfordshire. Isn't that where
your new girlfriend lives?Copy !req
101. Yes, it is.Copy !req
102. The drummer lady?Copy !req
103. Varrity Map.
She happens to be a doctor of drumming.Copy !req
104. I didn't know you could be
a doctor of drumming.Copy !req
105. Well, you can,
if you're very good at the drumming.Copy !req
106. - Fascinating.
- It is fascinating.Copy !req
107. I'm gonna see her gaff for the first time.
She's promised to cook for me.Copy !req
108. Lucky Toast. Ooofff!Copy !req
109. Ah, Toast! There you are!Copy !req
110. - Come in, it's open.Copy !req
111. Welcome to chez moi.Copy !req
112. It's quite a lot of drums, Varrity.Copy !req
113. Yes, well, I'm rehearsing a piece
for the symphony orchestra,Copy !req
114. so I'm very much in the zone.
So, what do you wanna do?Copy !req
115. Well, I'm starving.
You said you were gonna cook me something.Copy !req
116. Yes, I did, didn't I?Copy !req
117. - Yes, you did.Copy !req
118. - Pour me a glass, Toast.
- Red, white or rosé?Copy !req
119. - Why not open all three?
- Yeah!Copy !req
120. Jesus Christ, woman?Copy !req
121. Supremely talented and very much in demand
for her skills. She's a great gal.Copy !req
122. Her grandfather was quite famous,
you know. Frank Forfolk.Copy !req
123. Round-the-world yachtsman.
I have his autobiography. Forfolk's Sake.Copy !req
124. - You must remember it.
- No, I don't.Copy !req
125. Oh, you must remember it!
Forfolk's Sake.Copy !req
126. No, I don't.Copy !req
127. [Ed] That's what it's called.Copy !req
128. Ah, yes!Copy !req
129. So, how long have you two been
stepping out, now?Copy !req
130. Three months.Copy !req
131. And I can honestly say, I hardly notice
her incessant drumming anymore.Copy !req
132. And is this syncopation matched by
her rhythmic gyrations in the bedroom?Copy !req
133. Let's just say we're very much in sync
when it comes to the art of lovemaking.Copy !req
134. What the hell is that?Copy !req
135. Oh, it's a charity calendar.
Produced by Healthy Man Monthly.Copy !req
136. It's a chap's doodah.Copy !req
137. Yes, 12 male celebrities agreed to have
their privates photographed.Copy !req
138. This one is... let me see, uh...
Ah, it's Gyles Brandreth.Copy !req
139. Who else is in there?Copy !req
140. [Ed] Prince Charles, Ian Hislop,
John Bishop...Copy !req
141. Who?Copy !req
142. - [Ed] The Archbishop of Canterbury.
- That's enough.Copy !req
143. Bit squeamish, Toast? It's no different
to Calendar Girls, remember?Copy !req
144. Calendar Girls
was just mild, twee vulgarity.Copy !req
145. That, however,
is a different box of skittles.Copy !req
146. I mean, it's enough to put a chap
off his boiled egg.Copy !req
147. It's all for a good cause.Copy !req
148. Thing is, Ed, I've never actually seen
another chap's... in the flesh, like.Copy !req
149. - No?
- No.Copy !req
150. Oh, I have. Several hundred.Copy !req
151. But that's mostly because
I used to work a lot with Trevor Nunn.Copy !req
152. - Oh.
- Simon Callow.Copy !req
153. Oh yes, I recognize that one
from A Room with a View.Copy !req
154. Yeah, I don't think I'd like to see one
in the flesh, though.Copy !req
155. I don't know how I'd react.Copy !req
156. Don't worry, Toast.
It'll probably never happen.Copy !req
157. That is fantastic!Copy !req
158. - Yeah, I picked it up at Alicante Airport.Copy !req
159. As I was coming up the stairs,Copy !req
160. I could have sworn I heard the voice
of Bill bloody Purchase.Copy !req
161. The ever-so-slightly-more-intelligent
albino twin of Ray bloody Purchase.Copy !req
162. Is that you, Toast?
I was wondering if you'd drop in.Copy !req
163. How come you're back in London?Copy !req
164. Run out of old dears to rip off
on the Costa Del Crime?Copy !req
165. Same old Toast.
Always the charmer.Copy !req
166. Toast, come and look at this.Copy !req
167. - Bill Purchase brought me back a present.
- What is it?Copy !req
168. Come and have a look at the donkey.
Get as close as you can to its rear end.Copy !req
169. - What, like this?
- Yes.Copy !req
170. Isn't that hilarious?
- It's real shit as well.Copy !req
171. - It better bloody not be.Copy !req
172. - By the way, how's your ex-wife?
- You what?Copy !req
173. I heard she's about to spill the beans
in a new book.Copy !req
174. Who knows what she'll reveal?
Getting nervous, Toast?Copy !req
175. Why don't you bugger off?Copy !req
176. Don't be like that, old chap.
Although I probably should.Copy !req
177. I'm going to meet my brother,
Ray Purchase, at The Colonial.Copy !req
178. Ta-ta for now.Copy !req
179. Ciao.Copy !req
180. Why the hell did you let him in, Jane?Copy !req
181. He's keen to get back into something
in the West End.Copy !req
182. I suspect he's "on the run" again.Copy !req
183. Bad enough having to swerve around
one idiot PurchaseCopy !req
184. without throwing another one into the mix.Copy !req
185. You're unhappy with your Purchases.Copy !req
186. - You what?Copy !req
187. What a pair!Copy !req
188. A clueless halfwit and a con man.Copy !req
189. Didn't you and Bill Purchase
once do a play together?Copy !req
190. Yeah, always playing childish pranks
on other actors.Copy !req
191. He's well known for it.Copy !req
192. Speaking of plays,
how are rehearsals going for Man of Sex?Copy !req
193. Amazingly,
Ormond has remained totally sober.Copy !req
194. As I said,
as long as he's working, he's fine.Copy !req
195. - Fingers crossed for opening night.Copy !req
196. Champagne, Ian, please.Copy !req
197. Well, I think for an opening night,
that went rather well.Copy !req
198. Would you put that
on Toast's tab? Bless you, Ian.Copy !req
199. I'd lose the Welsh accent.
It's clearly not working.Copy !req
200. - I wasn't doing a...Copy !req
201. - Piss off, Purchase!
- Come on, boys, let's not argue.Copy !req
202. Time for a tiny celebration
before the reviews come in.Copy !req
203. Jill Quear was outstanding!
Is she coming along?Copy !req
204. - I saw her putting Ormond in his taxi.
- Oh good, he's being sensible.Copy !req
205. And he's promised
to have that George Best operation.Copy !req
206. You know the one? It makes you physically
sick if alcohol enters your bloodstream.Copy !req
207. Did it work for George?
I think it did! Ha!Copy !req
208. Just, uh... nip to the lady loo.Copy !req
209. It's hardly likely
to happen again, is it?Copy !req
210. Ormond, no! Your taxi!Copy !req
211. No, no, no, Ormond.
You need to go home.Copy !req
212. Oh, come on.
Just one little drink won't do any harm.Copy !req
213. It is an opening night,
after all.Copy !req
214. Just a tiny, weeny little Scotchlet.Copy !req
215. Alright, Toast? What d'you say?Copy !req
216. Well, alright. Just the one.Copy !req
217. Cheers!
Cheers!Copy !req
218. Jane, it's not my fault.
He said he'd just have the one.Copy !req
219. He's a chronic alcoholic, Toast.Copy !req
220. He now has to go into hospital
to have that George Best operation.Copy !req
221. So, Man of Sex are an actor short
because Sacker is back on the booze!Copy !req
222. So, I've been onto production
and I've contacted a few people.Copy !req
223. - Who?
- Baz Ravish.Copy !req
224. - He's good.
- Tony Excalibur.Copy !req
225. - Good.
- Champion House.Copy !req
226. - I think he's dead.
- Cocka Boo.Copy !req
227. - Great dancer.
- Michael Prance.Copy !req
228. - Still in jail, I think.
- Church Weaver.Copy !req
229. - Very good.
- And Heathcoat Pursuit.Copy !req
230. Wanker, but very good.
Are any of these available?Copy !req
231. - No. I'll ring around a few more.Copy !req
232. Varrity, it might be time to stop
the drumming, do you think?Copy !req
233. Oh, God. Jane, what do you want?Copy !req
234. - I've found someone.
- Who?Copy !req
235. Bloody thrilled to be back on the boards
in this play, Toast.Copy !req
236. - No, no, no!
- Keeping it in the family, Toast.Copy !req
237. Brothers in arms.
It'll be superb to share the stage again.Copy !req
238. I jumped at the chance to step in
when Jane told me about it.Copy !req
239. Helps that I know the play backwards.Copy !req
240. We were in it together
when it first opened in Southampton.Copy !req
241. Your ex-wife's from Southampton,
isn't she, Toast?Copy !req
242. How the hell do you know that?Copy !req
243. It was in her book.Copy !req
244. - Her book isn't out yet.
- Oh, uh, Jane must have told me, uh...Copy !req
245. Bill! Was it Bristol where you put a
tarantula in Simon Russell Beale's helmet?Copy !req
246. Nottingham.
That put him off his Coriolanus.Copy !req
247. That's outrageous!Copy !req
248. And where did you do a shit
in Wendy Craig's muesli?Copy !req
249. Manchester.
She hardly knew the difference.Copy !req
250. Bill has a terrific sense of humor.Copy !req
251. If I caught an actor
doing anything like that,Copy !req
252. I'd make sure
he was given his bloody cards!Copy !req
253. Now, don't you get any ideas,
Bill Purchase!Copy !req
254. Calm down, Toast.
We all enjoy a joke.Copy !req
255. But at the end of the day, you'll find
I'm as professional as the next man.Copy !req
256. So, nice place you've got here.Copy !req
257. It may be bijou, but it suits us.Copy !req
258. Darling,
I'm just going to show Rosemary around.Copy !req
259. Sure! Have fun.Copy !req
260. Who's the chap with the gong?Copy !req
261. That's a live sculpture.Copy !req
262. Stephanie saw it in New York
and she wanted it.Copy !req
263. Whatever Stephanie wants, Stephanie gets.Copy !req
264. Can I be direct, Cyril?Copy !req
265. Go ahead.Copy !req
266. It's Rosemary.
She's been reading your novel.Copy !req
267. - What's it called again?
- Man of Sex.Copy !req
268. She's getting all kinds of ideas.Copy !req
269. If Rosemary wants
to spread her sexual wings,Copy !req
270. maybe you should let her fly.Copy !req
271. Don't blame me, Richard.
I just wrote the book.Copy !req
272. - I should phone my father.
- Of course.Copy !req
273. See if he's caught his train.Copy !req
274. Don't think I haven't noticed the way
Rosemary's been looking at you.Copy !req
275. It's because of that bloody book.Copy !req
276. I can't stop people
from reading my book.Copy !req
277. You need to stop drinking champagne.
Makes you imagine things.Copy !req
278. The way I imagined your affair
with Louise?Copy !req
279. - Anyone seen Rosemary?Copy !req
280. Of course you'd bring up Louise.Copy !req
281. You and your jealous rages.Copy !req
282. Oh...Copy !req
283. - I've just been...Copy !req
284. Oh, my God.Copy !req
285. I've just been shortlisted
for the Booker Prize.Copy !req
286. How old was she?Copy !req
287. Nineteen?Copy !req
288. You stand there, with that ridiculous...Copy !req
289. You stand there...Copy !req
290. You stand there with that ridiculous pipe
in your mouth.Copy !req
291. Puffing away without a care in the world.Copy !req
292. And then I had to put it
in my mouth.Copy !req
293. Just after it had been up his...
I'm gonna complain.Copy !req
294. And of course,
Ray Purchase is there cheering him on.Copy !req
295. At least things are going well
with you and Varrity.Copy !req
296. - Aren't they?Copy !req
297. I mean she's a great gal,Copy !req
298. but the incessant drumming's
now really starting to get on my tits.Copy !req
299. - I may have to break it up.
- Oh, dear.Copy !req
300. She's very keen to see the play.Copy !req
301. So we're gonna drive to her cottage,
have sex,Copy !req
302. then drive straight back to London
and see the show.Copy !req
303. Ah, lovely.Copy !req
304. Maybe I'll finish it
after the performance.Copy !req
305. Thing is,
I'm no good at this breakup stuff.Copy !req
306. Not unless
I absolutely hate the person concerned.Copy !req
307. Ah, I see your ex-wife, Ellen,
is writing her autobiography.Copy !req
308. I wonder what she has to say about you.Copy !req
309. Well, we were married for 12 years.Copy !req
310. That's potentially
a lot of damaging ammunition.Copy !req
311. Oh, almost forgot.Copy !req
312. Time to change the month on
my Healthy Man Monthly calendar. April.Copy !req
313. - Michael Ball.
- Oh...Copy !req
314. - Appropriately.
- That means it's April Fools' Day.Copy !req
315. Which also means that Bill Purchase is
bound to play a particularly cruel prank.Copy !req
316. Better watch yourself then, Toast.Copy !req
317. Varrity.Copy !req
318. Varrity, you've got the wipers on.
It's not even raining.Copy !req
319. Varrity, isn't that a bit dangerous?Copy !req
320. Ah, Cyril.Copy !req
321. Stephanie, Rosemary, would you two girls
mind if Richard and I talked shop?Copy !req
322. We won't be long.Copy !req
323. Yes, yes, of course. It's getting late.Copy !req
324. I'll see you in the morning.Copy !req
325. I'll come directly to the point, Richard.Copy !req
326. Stephanie, Rosemary and myself
will be having sex tonight.Copy !req
327. Now, you can either join us,
or you can go home.Copy !req
328. The choice is yo...Copy !req
329. Is he alright?Copy !req
330. - Yeah, he'll be fine.
- Is there a doctor in the house?Copy !req
331. Yes!Copy !req
332. - Are you a doctor?
- Yes, doctor of drumming.Copy !req
333. Goodness, I can't hear a heartbeat.Copy !req
334. Clear three!
- Varrity, we need to talk.Copy !req
335. Clear four!
- This might not be the best time!Copy !req
336. - Toast.
- How are you, Toast?Copy !req
337. - Oh, God.
- Least you're able to sit up this time.Copy !req
338. Love the yellow pajamas.
Very snazzy!Copy !req
339. I had a lucky escape, Jane.Copy !req
340. I almost had a heart attack,
but not quite.Copy !req
341. The doctor says
I have an extremely weak heartCopy !req
342. and I should be careful not to suffer
any major shocks in the near future.Copy !req
343. You'll be out soon enough, Toast.Copy !req
344. Oh, by the way,
did you get a copy of Ellen's book?Copy !req
345. I had it sent round earlier.Copy !req
346. Don't worry, Toast,
I've been through the book.Copy !req
347. You are not mentioned once.Copy !req
348. Toast... Toast... Oh...Copy !req
349. - Maybe just a small one before surgery.Copy !req