Toast of London 3x4

1. Are you fucking deaf?

2. I said, are you fucking deaf?

3. If you are, then you may be thinking of investing in a digital hearing aid.

4. Audio Clear Hearing Aids are discreet and...

5. - Is this for real? - What's up, Steven?

6. Well, there's swearing in this advert. All kinds of effing and jeffing.

7. Are you really allowed to broadcast this on the radio?

8. I mean, even Channel 4 doesn't have swearing in their adverts.

9. Anything goes these days.

10. - It's the 21st century, my friend. Oh, God, yeah.

11. No taboos left anywhere anymore. OK, let's crack on.

12. Actually, I've gotta go. I'll see you next week Steven.

13. What the blazes is this ritual?

14. Where's that clown off to?

15. To see his therapist.

16. His therapist? Ha! That doesn't surprise me.

17. Danny's considering a sex change operation.

18. A sex change operation?

19. Mostly because he thinks his clothes will suit him better if he's a woman.

20. Something he's been mulling over.

21. - Talking to a therapist about it.

22. Well, I've heard everything. Sex change operations, swearing in adverts...

23. These really are the last days of Sodom.

24. - Wanna try that line again there, Steven? - Yeah.

25. Audio Clear Hearing Aids are discreet and fit snugly into the ear.

26. Check out our website today for de-tails.

27. How the fuck was that?

28. Nuts. Do you remember?

29. That musical you did about the...

30. the horrors of mental illness.

31. Uh, probably the worst production I've ever been in.

32. Yes, you've been in more than your fair share of bad productions.

33. Yeah, Ray Purchase was in that.

34. Played an out-of-control schizophrenic called Magpie,

35. and used that as an excuse to pinch everyone's fags

36. and I swore I'd never work with him again.

37. Yes. Do you remember you opened the trap door on stage

38. and he fell right through?

39. Yes, he did!

40. I will make my nest. I will be happy.

41. People told me he'd broken his back, but he hadn't.

42. - Just his arm and his collarbone. - Yes.

43. Anyway, while I'm here, any news on my Dickie Davies biopic audition?

44. Dickie Davies audition... That was a no.

45. A no? How can it be a no, Jane?

46. - I look exactly like him. - Ooh! Now, this is really big news!

47. The Royal Variety Performance people have been on.

48. They'd like you to take part this year, in the newly re-opened Regency Theatre.

49. The Regency Theatre? Isn't that now a Chicken Paradise?

50. Yes, it was in a dreadful state,

51. but then a lot of showbiz folk got together to buy it back and refurbish it.

52. I'm not doing the Royal Variety Performance, Jane.

53. All charity work is a complete waste of time and money

54. and usually does more harm than good. Remember Live Aid?

55. They'd like you to perform the Amazing Egyptian Sand Dance,

56. made famous in the 1930s.

57. The bloody sand dance? I've not done that for years.

58. Hold on a second. You need two performers for that routine.

59. Yes, so I suggested um...

60. What, Ray bloody Purchase?

61. I told you two seconds ago I never wanted to work with him again.

62. - Did you? - Well, maybe not two seconds,

63. but certainly in the very recent past.

64. OK, OK. I shall demand they don't ask Ray Purchase to perform with you.

65. That'll be an absolute non-starter.

66. Ah... I'm not doing any charity work, Jane, for anyone ever.

67. Oh, here's a thing... Kevin Spacey'll be there.

68. - Who? - Kevin Spacey?

69. Major actor, director and big player in Hollywood.

70. He's become very immersed in the whole London scene.

71. Rumor has it, he's looking for someone to play the British attaché

72. in the new series of the House of Cards.

73. I'll do it. This charity event, count me in.

74. You've changed your tune, Toast.

75. All a waste of time and money a second ago.

76. Obviously I know who Kevin Spacey is.

77. I just said "who" to give me some time to think about the offer.

78. British attaché.

79. Yes, yes, House of Cards. I'll be splendid in that.

80. - Ever seen it? - No.

81. Anyway, who's presenting at this Royal Variety Performance?

82. Bob Monkhouse!

83. - Isn't he dead? - No!

84. Why does everybody say that? Bob is very much alive.

85. He's just got remarried, in fact.

86. Apparently, his new wife's a complete zombie.

87. Anyway, I'll tell them you're on board.

88. India, Royal Variety. Patch me through.

89. I hate the Royal Variety Performance, but if Kevin Spacey sees me in it,

90. he's bound to cast me as the British attaché

91. in the new series of House of Cards.

92. Sorry, Toast. I was just reading a review

93. of the revival of The Government Inspector at the Lyric.

94. It's not very good.

95. I was saying... I mean, I hate the Royal Variety Performance,

96. but if Kevin Spacey sees me in it,

97. he's bound to cast me as the British attaché.

98. Sorry, Toast, I was just reading a review

99. of the revival of Abigail's Party at the Young Vic.

100. Not very good.

101. I was saying, I hate the Royal Variety Performance but if, oh...

102. Hang on, old chap. I was reading that!

103. - Who the hell is that? - That'll be for me.

104. Here's your magazines, Ed.

105. - What is it, Ed? - It's some copies of Woman's Realm.

106. Woman's Realm? I didn't think that was still going.

107. It isn't. These are vintage copies. It's very hard to find.

108. I'm a bit of a collector.

109. Well, isn't it just knitting patterns for old ladies?

110. - Oh, yes. - Oh, God!

111. - Who delivered them, John Nettles? - No, he does Tit-Bits.

112. This is a chap called Larry Muggins.

113. Anything you want, he can find. Probably at a discount price.

114. - Really? - Oh, yes.

115. Yes, anything from a rare edition of a Ken Follett novel

116. to a sex change operation.

117. - Sex change operation? - Oh, yes.

118. Well, that idiot, Danny Bear, at Scramble Studios

119. was talking about getting a sex change operation.

120. Reckoned it would suit his clothes.

121. Oh, this chap Muggins can probably organize it for him.

122. And there's likely to be a queue for the op at the NHS.

123. I can put in a word if you like.

124. Well, you know, why not? It's no odds to me.

125. So, who's hosting the Royal Variety Performance this year?

126. - Bob Monkhouse. - Bob Monkhouse?

127. Thanks for coming, old chap.

128. With a name like Toast, I thought you'd pop up.

129. - Glad you decided to become involved.

130. Jane said you don't usually do any charity work.

131. Uh, not true at all. You're thinking of Dickie Davies.

132. Weather's been very warm, hasn't it? Especially at nights.

133. These days, I love to sleep in the nude.

134. Not a bad thing, except, of course, on those really long flights.

135. - What?

136. Anyway, meet the organizing committee before we go down to the theater.

137. Hello, Dennis Fog.

138. - Dense Fog? - No, Dennis Fog.

139. - Sorry, nice to meet you. - Hello, Derek Bildings.

140. - Derelict Buildings? - No, Derek Bildings.

141. - Sorry, nice to meet you. - Hello, uh, Shane Fulorgy.

142. - Shameful Orgy? - Shane Fulorgy.

143. Sorry, nice to meet you.

144. I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker,

145. but when I got home, all the signs were there.

146. Anyway, I just wanna say, uh, how it warms my heart

147. that so many top turns are willing to give their time to charity.

148. Ray!

149. Ray bloody Purchase!

150. Well, well, well... If it isn't Steven Toast.

151. Tell us more about your substantial charity work, Toast.

152. I'd love to hear about it.

153. I specifically told Jane I never wanted to work with you again.

154. Well, tough tit, Toast.

155. Steven Toast, everyone.

156. He'll buy you a pint with one hand and sleep with your wife with the other.

157. Why don't you shut up and sit down?

158. Here's a thing I've noticed.

159. People seem to think I come from Kent.

160. I hear them mutter the word as I walk past.

161. What?

162. I'm really looking forward to this. You know Kevin Spacey's gonna be there?

163. I didn't know that.

164. Yes, you did. I know for a fact that Jane Plough told you about it.

165. She texted me, she emailed me, she wrote me a postcard,

166. she told me to my face that she definitely, definitely told you about it.

167. Did she? Well, I must have forgotten.

168. And we've just heard this morning

169. that Prince Charles and his delightful wife, Camilla Parker Bowles,

170. are also coming along.

171. Now, I think it would be a terrific idea

172. to present them with a souvenir of the occasion.

173. Who wants to look after that?

174. I think Toast should be in charge of securing the gift for the royal couple.

175. - Really? - Yes, great idea.

176. Talking of royals,

177. do you know what happened during Kate Middleton's wedding night?

178. - No. - She was held against her Will.

179. What?

180. Gosh, is that the time? We need to get down to the stage to rehearse.

181. Right, chaps, we'll take the lift, there's too many stairs.

182. Come along, darling.

183. Sorry, Mrs. P.

184. I can't get Bob Monkhouse's zombie wife's face out of my head.

185. I thought Bob Monkhouse was dead.

186. No, he's very much alive. As is his wife.

187. - Well, technically, she's dead. - Living dead, surely?

188. Anyway, Monkhouse did a very strange thing.

189. He kept telling these stories that were unconnected to anything

190. and then everyone would laugh.

191. - Well, they're probably jokes. - Jokes?

192. Yes, Monkhouse is famous for telling jokes all the time.

193. What are you doing, Mrs. P?

194. Oh, it's my new job.

195. You've got a job? What the hell is it?

196. Operating drones for the US military.

197. - Really? - Yes.

198. It's perfect for me, actually, because I can work from home.

199. Do you know, depending on how many missiles I launch,

200. I can earn up to 30 quid a day.

201. - Drones for the US military? - Mm-hm.

202. - I'd better get that.

203. Do you want a go? It's very easy.

204. You just move this cursor,

205. then when you select your target, you press this key here.

206. Right.

207. Oh, and only blow up the houses on the left-hand side of the road,

208. - not the houses on the right. - Gotcha.

209. - Direct hit!

210. And another.

211. I'm very good at this if I don't mind saying.

212. - Oh... Hope there was nobody home!

213. Having fun?

214. - Yes, it's quite addictive, isn't it? - Mmm.

215. Oh. - What?

216. Did I say blow up the houses on the left-hand side?

217. Yes.

218. I meant the houses on the right.

219. Well, I've blown a hell of a lot up on the left.

220. Oh... Well, it'll probably be fine.

221. - I imagine no one'll notice. - No.

222. - Oh!

223. Which one of you lads is looking for a sex change? You, is it?

224. - No. - It's me, actually.

225. What's your budget? How much do you wanna spend on it?

226. It's quite serious, a sex change operation.

227. It's not the type of thing you can cut corners on.

228. So, what are you looking at?

229. Well, I got a quote from an established, specialist surgeon. £4,000.

230. Jesus! £4,000 for a sex change?

231. I do more or less the same thing for 50 quid.

232. - Fifty quid? - All I need is a level surface

233. and a bucket for drainage.

234. And I'll throw in for free disposal of body parts.

235. Right, well, as I say, it's quite a big operation,

236. so I need to know everything's all above board.

237. - There's a full guarantee going with it. - Oh.

238. Fifty quid, no hidden charges.

239. Honestly, you'd be mad to spend £4,000 on a sex change.

240. All those twisters in Harley Street ripping off naive transgenders.

241. For that amount of cash, we could change you into a llama.

242. Are you serious? A full sex change operation for 50 quid?

243. Yeah. Unless you want to pay the VAT on top of it?

244. All right. OK. Yes! Hope I don't live to regret this!

245. Can we start now?

246. How are you feeling, Danny?

247. - Well, I'm a bit nervous, to be honest. - Never had a sex change operation before?

248. - Uh, no. - Ah, you've nothing to worry about.

249. So, what's in this plastic bag?

250. - A pair of tits. - Ah, yes... Very interesting.

251. - What are you doing here? - I'm the intermediary, Larry.

252. Instrumental in bringing both parties together.

253. Do you mind if I stay and watch?

254. - It'll cost you a tenner. - OK.

255. Look, I'm really not sure about all this.

256. - Having cold feet, Danny? - You should've said something before now,

257. instead of leaving it to Muggins to sort out!

258. - I think I'll give it a miss. - What?

259. The operation. I'll give it a miss.

260. Because you don't want to lose the moustache? We could probably keep that.

261. That Eurovision winner looked great. She had a full beard.

262. Sorry, I've changed my mind. I went for a budget option

263. and I should have gone for a more traditional medical route,

264. like, with a proper surgeon and you know, hospital.

265. Well, it's no skin off my nose, but I'm gonna have to keep the 50 squid.

266. - Yep. OK, fine. - You can keep the pair of tits.

267. - I don't think I'm gonna need them now. - [Ed] Uh...

268. Can I have them?

269. Ah...

270. Enjoying yourself, Ed?

271. Yes.

272. Yes. So,

273. the Royal Variety Performance, huh?

274. I'm looking forward to it and I'll tune in. Are you nervous?

275. Nah, who cares? It's a charity event.

276. All I know is that when Kevin Spacey sees my sand dance,

277. he'll be so impressed, he's bound to offer me the House of Cards attaché.

278. - Best of luck with that. - Downside is, I have to share the stage

279. with Ray bloody Purchase again.

280. I hope he doesn't fall through the trap door this time.

281. Yes.

282. Did you manage to look at those plastic tits?

283. Yes, yes, I did.

284. You see, I don't know how Muggins would have grafted these onto your friend

285. without a severe risk of blood poisoning.

286. Paul Gascoigne used to wear these the whole time. It's very disappointing.

287. Well, what the hell were you expecting?

288. Oh, I dunno. Something a bit less tacky.

289. Something a bit more, you know, va-va-voom.

290. You are very peculiar, Ed.

291. - You can have them if you want. - I don't want them.

292. - Unless... - [Ed] Unless what?

293. Well, Tom Jones has just been added to the bill at the Royal Variety Performance.

294. A pair of plastic tits may be just the kind of thing he'd like.

295. Yes, good thinking! Tom Jones would love a pair of comedy plastic tits.

296. I think he would.

297. Right, I'm off.

298. If I were you, I'd find another lodger,

299. as I say goodbye, Ed, hello, House of Cards.

300. What?

301. Look, Toast. You need to bring your A game to the table.

302. We're not doing the conga or the Agadoo. This is the sand dance!

303. There's a hundred years of musical history

304. and I'm not gonna let you piss about with it!

305. Who cares?

306. Who cares?

307. I care!

308. Monkhouse cares!

309. Well, I think your sand dance is gonna be sensational, chaps.

310. The old ones really are the best.

311. Talking of old ones, fellas. Do you know, I still enjoy sex at 74?

312. I live at 76, it's no distance.

313. - What?

314. Just marvelous! The terrific Ray Purchase, there, and Steven Toast.

315. Now, we're very lucky to welcome some very special guests here tonight,

316. His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall.

317. What did you get Charles and Camilla?

318. - What? - What did you get Charles and Camilla?

319. You were supposed to get them a gift, remember?

320. - Oh, shit!

321. You forgot, didn't you? You bloody idiot!

322. Well done, Toast. Terrific work, very moving.

323. I got a real sense of Egypt.

324. Did you see Spacey?

325. Yes, he was in the middle of the front row.

326. I was sitting right behind him. He was clapping all the way through.

327. Hollywood, here I come!

328. Ah, Toast.

329. The royal couple are almost here. Did you get them a present?

330. I hope you didn't forget.

331. He did forget because he's a complete cunt!

332. - Mind the language, Purchase. - Sorry, Bob.

333. This is bloody serious, Toast. Sometimes the joking has to stop.

334. Ah, Your Royal Highnesses,

335. - this is Steven Toast... Toast.

336. He has a gift for you, which he'd like to present

337. on behalf of the friends of the Regency Theatre.

338. Oh...

339. A pair of tits!

340. A pair of tits.

341. - A pair of tits? - They're not real tits, though.

342. They're just plastic ones, like Paul Gascoigne used to wear.

343. Uh, a man went to the doctor for a check-up.

344. The doctor says, "I have some very bad news, you're going to die."

345. - God. - The man says, "How long am I gonna live?"

346. The doctor said, "Ten..." The man said, "What, months, weeks?"

347. The doctor said, "No. Nine, eight..."

348. - Monkhouse!

349. Toast!

350. Ha!

351. Oh, whose are these? Bloody hilarious man.

352. What do you think, Charlie?

353. Very unwise of you, Toast, to open that trap door.

354. Bob is dead, rather like his zombie wife.

355. So is Bob Monkhouse now a zombie?

356. This is no time to discuss whether

357. Bob Monkhouse is now a zombie like his wife.

358. You can kiss goodbye to any ideas of an MBE or CBE after your name.

359. DOA, more likely, and as for a knighthood, ha!

360. But Kevin Spacey. What about him?

361. I mean, he loved my performance. Any word?

362. Kevin Spacey, Jane!

363. Oh, I may have made a slight error on that one, Toast.

364. Oh, God. What?

365. Well, you know I said I was sitting behind him in the theater?

366. Yes, you were sat behind him

367. while he was adoring my performance. And?

368. Well, I presumed it was Kevin Spacey,

369. but I subsequently discovered it was actually the comedian Bob Mortimer.

370. Who? Bob Mortimer?

371. He does look very like Spacey, especially from behind.

372. Better?

373. So, what the shit happened with Spacey?

374. Well, apparently he went to Afghanistan, on a humanitarian mission.

375. Unlike you, he does a lot of work for charity.

376. So, he was visiting some good Afghans, who live on the left-hand side of the road—

377. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

378. As opposed to Afghans that live on the right-hand side of the road?

379. Oh, the bad Afghans live on the right-hand side of the road.

380. - I see. - Anyway, nobody's heard from him in days.

381. I do hope he turns up again.

382. Toast.