1. Neigh.Copy !req
2. - Was that it?
- Yeah, that's all it says here.Copy !req
3. Steven, we think the "neigh" is probably
meant to be the sound of a horse.Copy !req
4. You want me to make the sound of a horse?Copy !req
5. Yeah, I'm guessing the "neigh"
is just a rough indication.Copy !req
6. - So just do the sound of a horse.
- All right.Copy !req
7. - Hi, Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
- Mm.Copy !req
8. - Can you hear me?
- Yes.Copy !req
9. The feeling here is
that didn't sound much like a horse.Copy !req
10. - What?
- Would it help that instead of a neighCopy !req
11. - you can try a whinny?
- A what?Copy !req
12. A whinny might be better than a neigh.Copy !req
13. What's the difference?Copy !req
14. - Just do another horse sound.
- Think whinny rather than neigh.Copy !req
15. Whin-neigh!Copy !req
16. Steven, was that a whinny?
'Cause that sounded a lot like a neigh.Copy !req
17. Jesus Christ, look, I've got things to do.Copy !req
18. And one of those is not sitting with you
two pilchards making horse noises.Copy !req
19. - What are you doing?
- Just googling whinny and neigh.Copy !req
20. Oh, for fuck's...Copy !req
21. Why don't you just bring a horse in here?
Yeah? I'm sure he'd nail it first time.Copy !req
22. Health and safety issue, Steven.Copy !req
23. Sorry, Steven, I got this so wrong.
It's actually Neigh-bours.Copy !req
24. - Neighbours?
- Yeah, it's my fault.Copy !req
25. The whole script didn't print out.
I just got a bit of it.Copy !req
26. You're an idiot.Copy !req
27. Are we rolling?Copy !req
28. "Neighbours, returning to Channel 5
this autumn.Copy !req
29. Don't miss it. Every weekday at 5:30pm."Copy !req
30. Breakfast's ready, Toast!Copy !req
31. Are you sure you don't want me
to call an ambulance?Copy !req
32. You've just crashed
through a complete flight of stairsCopy !req
33. - and been hit by falling masonry.
- No, no, no, no.Copy !req
34. Just wearing the bandage should suffice.Copy !req
35. Anyway, I've gotta get a wriggle on,
otherwise I'll be late for maths.Copy !req
36. - Maths?
- No, um...Copy !req
37. Bill. I've gotta go and pay my bar bill.Copy !req
38. Maths. It's like you're off to school
and I'm your mum.Copy !req
39. What are you talking about?
Perhaps you should see a doctor.Copy !req
40. Good night.Copy !req
41. There you go, Ian.
Sorry it's all in coins.Copy !req
42. Look, I'll give you the rest later.Copy !req
43. Blair? What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
44. You'd better sit down.Copy !req
45. - I am sitting down.
- No, you're not!Copy !req
46. No, I'm not. Please sit down.Copy !req
47. It's father. He's dying.Copy !req
48. That's a pity. Would you like a drink?Copy !req
49. - Why the hell are you wearing that?
- What?Copy !req
50. - There's a bandage on your head.
- I crashed through some stairs.Copy !req
51. I think.Copy !req
52. Well, as they say,
father's days are numbered.Copy !req
53. - Doctor reckons he'll be dead by Friday.
- So you said.Copy !req
54. So we need to get down there prontoCopy !req
55. and make sure he doesn't leave everything
to the bloody dog!Copy !req
56. Or worse still, the servants.Copy !req
57. Who cares?
He's never given a rat's arse about me.Copy !req
58. Tells everyone I'm dead.Copy !req
59. - I don't want anything from him.
- Yes, but I do, you bloody idiot!Copy !req
60. Think about it, Toast. Think!Copy !req
61. If I get the country castle,
you get the London pad.Copy !req
62. - The London pad?
- Hmm.Copy !req
63. Yeah, no rent, and wouldn't have to listen
to Ed's lovemaking marathons.Copy !req
64. Exactly, so we need to get down there
jaldi, jaldi, hmm?Copy !req
65. Right, I'm off to get the National Express
at Victoria Coach Station.Copy !req
66. The old family home could already
be crawling with oily freeloaders.Copy !req
67. We have to make sure we get to him first.
We can't leave anything to chance.Copy !req
68. - Are we clear?
Are we clear?Copy !req
69. Now you need to take this
very seriously, Toast.Copy !req
70. I don't wanna get down there
and find myself outnumbered.Copy !req
71. All right.Copy !req
72. Now, how do I get out
of this bugger house?Copy !req
73. 50, 55, 60.Copy !req
74. What, more coins?Copy !req
75. Sorry, Toast, they only had change.Copy !req
76. But it's the BBC.Copy !req
77. Can't they make a direct payment
into my account or something?Copy !req
78. The people who make direct payments
have all moved to Salford.Copy !req
79. Sign of the times, I'm afraid.
Massive cutbacks.Copy !req
80. Why are you all glammed up, Jane?Copy !req
81. I'm meeting Jon Hamm.Copy !req
82. I've literally never heard of him.Copy !req
83. Probably one of the best actors
in the world.Copy !req
84. Surprised you've literally
never heard of him.Copy !req
85. He's fabulous, sexy
and terrifically good-looking.Copy !req
86. He's on a short break
from filming that Tommy Cooper filmCopy !req
87. - in Dorset.Copy !req
88. I'm meeting him upstairs at The Colonial.
Why don't you come along and say hello?Copy !req
89. No, I'm not interested.Copy !req
90. - He is hugely charismatic!
Is he indeed?Copy !req
91. You know something? I've never met anyone
with any charisma, ever.Copy !req
92. It's a complete myth.Copy !req
93. Even that time I was introduced
to Sean Connery.Copy !req
94. It was like meeting a chair
or a dead rabbit.Copy !req
95. Well, everybody, people of every sex
and all sizes and shapesCopy !req
96. and ethnic groups, adore Hamm.Copy !req
97. Hmm. I'm not interested.Copy !req
98. But it just so happens,
I now have the exact moneyCopy !req
99. to pay my bar tab at The Colonial.
So I'll walk with you.Copy !req
100. Bloody ridiculous.Copy !req
101. That'll do you. Right, I'm off.Copy !req
102. Give my regards to West Ham
or whatever his name is.Copy !req
103. - Are you sure you won't stay for a drink?
- Jane.Copy !req
104. Like I told you,
I've absolutely no interestCopy !req
105. what... so...Copy !req
106. Jane!Copy !req
107. Oh, how lovely to see you, Jonny.Copy !req
108. Oh, this is Steven Toast.Copy !req
109. He's not staying.Copy !req
110. Well, it's... nice to meet you anyway.Copy !req
111. Where are you off to? Home to Ed?Copy !req
112. Who's Ed? Is that your husband?
Are you homosexual?Copy !req
113. - Ha!Copy !req
114. No, I was...Copy !req
115. I can't believe he's actually doing it.
Can you imagine?Copy !req
116. - What do you think, Toast?Copy !req
117. - What?
Mark RylanceCopy !req
118. in the jungle celebrity
Get Me Out of Here! show.Copy !req
119. What have you done to your head?Copy !req
120. Some stairs collapsed on top of me.Copy !req
121. Are you OK? You seem a bit... weird.Copy !req
122. You're not yourself are you, Toast?Copy !req
123. Poor dear. Could you go and get us
some more drinks?Copy !req
124. What? Get some drinks?Copy !req
125. Yes. Some more of your drinks please, Ian.Copy !req
126. Excuse me. Are you Steven Toast?Copy !req
127. Maybe. So what if I am?Copy !req
128. My name is Pooky Hook.Copy !req
129. I have to say, I'm a huge fan of yours.
I'm an actress and model.Copy !req
130. I would love to meet up
for a drink or something,Copy !req
131. so you could give me some
acting and modeling tips.Copy !req
132. Look, this is my night off.Copy !req
133. If you wanna get in touch,
you'll have to go through my agent.Copy !req
134. I have to go to the Savile Row
and buy some shirts.Copy !req
135. Well, it's been delightful, Jonny.Copy !req
136. Can I come?Copy !req
137. - Hm?
- What?Copy !req
138. Can I come to the Savile Row?Copy !req
139. I thought you had something important
to attend to.Copy !req
140. No, well, that can wait. I'd rather go
to the Savile Row with Hamm.Copy !req
141. - Would you mind?
- I'm sorry, Hamm.Copy !req
142. It's no problem, I sometimes get confusedCopy !req
143. with your British shirt sizes,
so perhaps Steven could give me a hand.Copy !req
144. Every shirt, I mean every shirt,
looked sensational on him.Copy !req
145. And words cannot describe how great he is.Copy !req
146. Sounds like you have a bit of a crush
on Hamm, Toast.Copy !req
147. What, a crush on Jon Hamm?
You couldn't be more wide of the mark, Ed.Copy !req
148. Though I will admit,
the man certainly has charisma-a-a-a.Copy !req
149. - Care for a fancy, Toast?
Ooh, don't mind if I do.Copy !req
150. These are delicious fancies, Ed.Copy !req
151. Any word on those replacement stairs?
Otherwise it's gonna be a pain in the arseCopy !req
152. having to use that ladder
each time we wanna go to bed.Copy !req
153. - It might be dry rot.Copy !req
154. Are you a fan of Jon Hamm, Ed?Copy !req
155. Oh, yes.Copy !req
156. I've got every series of Mad Men on DVD.
It's pretty much the best show on telly.Copy !req
157. Yeah, I'd heard it's great.
I'd love to see them.Copy !req
158. - Well...
- Now. I'd love to see it now.Copy !req
159. - Yeah, all right.
- If I could see them now.Copy !req
160. - I'll try and dig them out.
- Quick as you can.Copy !req
161. What's he doing?Copy !req
162. He's insane!Copy !req
163. Shit.Copy !req
164. And his show is both terrifying
and very funny.Copy !req
165. And he is hilarious and quite mad in it.Copy !req
166. - It sounds like your phone, Toast.Copy !req
167. Ah.Copy !req
168. - Who's Blair?Copy !req
169. It's your brother, you idiot.Copy !req
170. You should answer it, Toast.
It'll be about your father.Copy !req
171. - Who?
- Your father.Copy !req
172. Toast!Copy !req
173. - I'm giving you my position.
- What?Copy !req
174. I'm somewhere between
Sherborne and Crewkerne.Copy !req
175. I'll phone you with information
when I arrive.Copy !req
176. But make sure you're here by Friday,
Toast, and don't bloody forget!Copy !req
177. - What the hell are you talking about?
- Gone!Copy !req
178. He's hung up.Copy !req
179. Anyway, any word from Hamm?
Has he asked about me?Copy !req
180. Not that I recall.Copy !req
181. Ooh, he's just moved into a flat
in London. Meard Street, above the deli.Copy !req
182. - Isn't that opposite you?
- Opposite me and Ed, yes.Copy !req
183. I could show him some local haunts.
Have you got his number?Copy !req
184. Hamm is a major celebrity.Copy !req
185. I can't give out his number
to any Tom, Dick or Toast.Copy !req
186. - He might have it hacked.Copy !req
187. - Yes, India, what is it?
It's Peter Davison again.Copy !req
188. Davison's cut his finger off
opening a letter?Copy !req
189. All his fingers or just one?Copy !req
190. Oh, hang on, I'll have to come out.Copy !req
191. I'll be back in a minute.Copy !req
192. Here we are.Copy !req
193. Tony Hatch, Judith Hann,
Jimmy Hill, Jon Hamm.Copy !req
194. There's the boy.Copy !req
195. - Hello?
- Hi, Hamm, it's Steven Toast here.Copy !req
196. Oh. Yes, hello.Copy !req
197. Oh, God. Um... how's it going your end?Copy !req
198. Everything's great.Copy !req
199. Listen I... I was just... wondering
if you fancied going for a drink sometime.Copy !req
200. - When were you thinking?
- Uh, tomorrow.Copy !req
201. I could do tomorrow afternoon.Copy !req
202. But I can't stay late.Copy !req
203. I'm shooting tomorrow in Dor-set.Copy !req
204. No, no, that's fine. That is amazing.Copy !req
205. Listen, we'll meet upstairs
at The Colonial,Copy !req
206. we'll sink a few,
and then maybe go for an Italian for two.Copy !req
207. Look, or whatever.
Let's meet at one o'clock.Copy !req
208. - Yes.
- Perfection.Copy !req
209. Staunch the flow, India!Copy !req
210. Bloody hell!Copy !req
211. Davison's only gone
and lopped his middle finger off.Copy !req
212. Tried not to make a fuss in front of him,Copy !req
213. but when the bandages are off,
it will look quite odd.Copy !req
214. Ha! Never a dull moment!Copy !req
215. Toast.Copy !req
216. Are you all right?Copy !req
217. Oh, hello again. Have you thought any more
about that personal tuition idea?Copy !req
218. - Wha..?
- You could come to my flat if you want.Copy !req
219. I've got a sauna and Jacuzzi.
Maybe we could relax afterwards.Copy !req
220. Is this something to do
with you meeting Hamm later?Copy !req
221. No.Copy !req
222. You're not making a mix tape
for him, are you?Copy !req
223. No.Copy !req
224. He's probably not interested in those
old marching tunes you're so fond of.Copy !req
225. And recording them on cassette?Copy !req
226. It's very old fashioned. It's all
SoundCloud and Spotify these days.Copy !req
227. Oh, dear.Copy !req
228. I don't know what I'm doing.
It's been a while since I've been...Copy !req
229. - In love?
- Why the hell would you say that?Copy !req
230. Well, you're not eating,
you're not sleeping,Copy !req
231. you're keeping a diary.Copy !req
232. You've got all the symptoms.Copy !req
233. You don't understand.Copy !req
234. He's got this charisma.
It's like black magic.Copy !req
235. Jane says he draws everyone in.Copy !req
236. Why don't I make you
a cup of hot chocolate,Copy !req
237. and we can talk about this like adults?Copy !req
238. I don't think this obsession
with Hamm is healthy.Copy !req
239. You don't know him
and you don't understand me.Copy !req
240. And I hate living here!Copy !req
241. And I'm going to my room.Copy !req
242. And I've forgotten my ladder.Copy !req
243. Did you know that every phone line
in Hollywood is connected to an asshole?Copy !req
244. Hundreds of guys
waiting to fuck you over.Copy !req
245. But it's good to be back
filming in the UK.Copy !req
246. Dor-set is lovely this time of the year.Copy !req
247. What...Copy !req
248. Wait, are you crying?Copy !req
249. God, no. It's just that you...
you speak so eloquently, Hamm.Copy !req
250. - Oh.
- You really do.Copy !req
251. It's like hearing one's own name
mentioned on the wireless.Copy !req
252. You don't fancy a stroll
in the park, do you?Copy !req
253. - I mean, only if you're free, that is.
- I'm free until five.Copy !req
254. Only till five?Copy !req
255. What have you got on?
A photo shoot? A cocktail soirée?Copy !req
256. A dental appointment.Copy !req
257. Well, your teeth look so perfect
when you play the Mad Man!Copy !req
258. Let's go.Copy !req
259. ♪ Hamm! ♪
- That was the best fun I've ever had.Copy !req
260. I've got an idea.Copy !req
261. You're filming in Dorset, right?Copy !req
262. I need to be in Somerset in the morning.
We could travel down together.Copy !req
263. You could meet my father.Copy !req
264. Have to look sharp, he's dying.Copy !req
265. I dunno, I... I don't like being around
dying people. I feel like it's bad luck.Copy !req
266. Oh, come on!Copy !req
267. I could show you my father's castle.
It's the tallest in the world!Copy !req
268. Well, I've got your number.Copy !req
269. - Uh, listen, this was—
- The best time you've ever had.Copy !req
270. - No.
- OK.Copy !req
271. So... I'm going to go.Copy !req
272. Cool.Copy !req
273. Yeah, maybe see you tomorrow.Copy !req
274. Oh, my God.Copy !req
275. - Steven, hi!
- God, not you again.Copy !req
276. - How are you?
- What do you want?Copy !req
277. Myself, and a lot of other girls,Copy !req
278. who are actresses and models,
are going yachting over the weekend.Copy !req
279. We would love for you to join us, so you
could tutor us in acting and modeling.Copy !req
280. Me and the girls really enjoy
topless sunbathing on the deck,Copy !req
281. but if you're bothered by that,
we can wear our bikini tops.Copy !req
282. I haven't got an auntie's whiff
about modeling!Copy !req
283. Is this some kind of ploy
to get me on your sex boat?Copy !req
284. And if it is,
then you're barking up the wrong acorn.Copy !req
285. Oh.Copy !req
286. What the hell is wrong with me?Copy !req
287. The man's like crack!Copy !req
288. He's like cra-a-ack!Copy !req
289. Toast, what are you doing here?Copy !req
290. Hamm, it's you. Your window was open.
I couldn't resist climbing in.Copy !req
291. Yes, well, I spend a lot of time
hiding in my bed to avoid the paparazzi.Copy !req
292. It has a special Hamm-shaped indentation,
so that it appears to be flat.Copy !req
293. What's with the mask?Copy !req
294. It's Lovejoy, the antiques guy.Copy !req
295. Do you wear that so you're not recognized?Copy !req
296. No. I just went to the shop
They had a bunch of them.Copy !req
297. Mr. Bean, the Queen,
Camilla, Prince Charles.Copy !req
298. - I just liked the Lovejoy.Copy !req
299. You certainly are a mad man!Copy !req
300. - Yep?
I'm here.Copy !req
301. I've not entered the premises yet,
but on first look,Copy !req
302. it seems to be pretty vulture free.Copy !req
303. Blair, what the shit
are you talking about?Copy !req
304. Don't jigger me about.Copy !req
305. You need to get here
before the relatives descend.Copy !req
306. There could be dozens of them.Copy !req
307. I can't afford
to find myself outnumbered, Toast.Copy !req
308. Outnumbered, you say?Copy !req
309. Don't worry about that, Blair.
I can bring someone with me.Copy !req
310. He's fit and has bags of charisma-a-a-a.Copy !req
311. What?Copy !req
312. - Hamm?
- Yes.Copy !req
313. It's about time you met my father.Copy !req
314. That is one tall castle.Copy !req
315. Tallest in the world.Copy !req
316. I, Gonville Toast,Copy !req
317. I wish for my paintings, my gold,Copy !req
318. and my dog to be buried with me.Copy !req
319. Paintings, gold, dog to be buried
with you upon your death.Copy !req
320. Father, I'm here!
Your son has arrived!Copy !req
321. - Who said that?
- That's your other son, Father. The actor.Copy !req
322. The actor? I thought he was dead!Copy !req
323. No, Father,
that's just what you tell everybodyCopy !req
324. because you hate him. Is that you, Toast?Copy !req
325. We're at the top, in Father's bedroom.
Come quickly!Copy !req
326. And my firearms collection
shall be left to...Copy !req
327. Annie Lennox.Copy !req
328. And finally...Copy !req
329. Hurry up, Toast!Copy !req
330. And finally...Copy !req
331. I leave my entire estate, my fortune,Copy !req
332. and my freehold properties,
both here and in London to...Copy !req
333. Jon Hamm.Copy !req
334. Jon Hamm.Copy !req
335. - What?Copy !req
336. Nooo!Copy !req
337. No, Father. Wait!Copy !req
338. Father! Wake up, Father!Copy !req
339. Wake up! Oh, dear God!Copy !req
340. I believe your father has passed.Copy !req
341. This is your doing, Toast.
You bloody fool!Copy !req
342. Why did you bring Jon Hamm in here?Copy !req
343. Everyone knows about his charm
and charisma!Copy !req
344. I'm going to kill you!Copy !req
345. Whoa!Copy !req
346. - Toast!
- Whoa!Copy !req
347. - Ooh!
- Oh, dear.Copy !req
348. - Oooh.
- Whoa!Copy !req
349. Whoa! Who-oa!Copy !req
350. - Christ!Copy !req
351. Can someone get me a cab?
I don't like being around dead people.Copy !req
352. Ah, good morning, Toast. You're back.Copy !req
353. - Feeling any better?
- Much better, thanks.Copy !req
354. Possibly due to my brother Blair
throwing me down 200 steps.Copy !req
355. Seems to have reset my head.Copy !req
356. Just to warn you, I had to give the ladder
back to Maureen Lipman.Copy !req
357. - Really?
- So we're going to have to useCopy !req
358. this length of rope
to get to our bedrooms.Copy !req
359. - But isn't that Hywel Bennett's?
- Yes.Copy !req
360. And we have to give that back soonCopy !req
361. so he can tie his horsebox
to his Lamborghini.Copy !req
362. Wait a moment, Toast,
shouldn't you be with your father?Copy !req
363. Too late, Ed. He's dead.Copy !req
364. Oh, I'm so sorry. How's Blair taking it?Copy !req
365. Not well.
I've never seen a man so furious.Copy !req
366. Possibly due to the fact
him not being left the castleCopy !req
367. or in fact anything in the will.Copy !req
368. - And who did he leave it to?
- Jon Hamm!Copy !req
369. Really? Well, he does have charmCopy !req
370. and the most enormous amount of charisma.
So yes, I'm not at all surprised.Copy !req
371. - Hm.
- Anyway,Copy !req
372. glad to have you back to normal.Copy !req
373. Ooh, she's just my type.Copy !req
374. Who's that slice of good beauty?Copy !req
375. Oh, it's a complete unknown
called Pooky Hook.Copy !req
376. - No stage or screen experience,Copy !req
377. - and has landed a lead role in Star Wars.Copy !req
378. Here she mentions
that she's a great fan of yours.Copy !req
379. Does she now?Copy !req
380. Maybe you could give her
some acting lessons.Copy !req
381. Maybe I could. Maybe I could.Copy !req
382. - She's a cracker, don't you think?Copy !req
383. - Probably too young for you!Copy !req