1. I can't... I can't hear you.
Press the button.
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2. I can't hear you.
Press the button, you donut.
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3. - I can't hear you.
- It's Clem Fandango, can you hear me?
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4. Yeah, obviously if you press the button.
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5. What's your problem?
You've only worked here for three years.
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6. Temper, temper, Steven.
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7. Don't you "temper, temper" me, boy.
Just do your job.
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8. OK, Steven.
Now the client was very, very specific
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9. about the style of the read and the
pronunciation of some of the words.
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10. Clem's got it in front of him.
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11. - We'll take it from here.
- All right.
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12. Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
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13. You are a fucking star, aren't you?
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14. - Yes!
- OK, so this is important.
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15. The client has expressed
that he'd like you to...
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16. Fucking hell,
you've done it again, you cunt.
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17. Press the button!
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18. I can't hear you
unless you push the button!
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19. Steven, this is Clem Fandango,
can you hear me?
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20. I dare you to say that one more time.
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21. Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?
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22. Yeah, well, then keep your finger
on the fucking button.
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23. I didn't catch a word of that, all right?
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24. And I need to hear again exactly how
that client wants me to say this script.
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25. OK, Steven, so this is important.
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26. The client expressed they'd like you to
stress certain words within the script.
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27. - OK.
- The words they'd like you to stress are—
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28. [Ed] It's a little inappropriate
at the breakfast table, Davison.
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29. - Maybe you could do it in your room.
- All right. All right.
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30. Also, this wine-making equipment.
There's rather a lot of it.
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31. Yeah, what the hell is it?
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32. Try this, Toast.
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33. It's splendid.
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34. Bloody hell, Davison.
It's not even eight o'clock yet.
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35. Well, all right.
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36. - You're meant to sip it.
- What the hell is that?
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37. I call it The Black Death.
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38. It's just got that extra edge. 25% proof.
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39. You could clean a car with that.
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40. You can't give this to anyone.
You'll kill them!
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41. And could you do the washing-up,
Davison, old chap?
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42. - It's your turn.
Good God, Ed.
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43. All right! Do you mind if I have
a Jimmy Riddle first? Is that OK?
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44. I'm sorry, Ed, but Davison's
really starting to get on my pip.
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45. Mine too. He's constantly complaining.
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46. Said earlier that the towels
weren't soft enough.
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47. That's nonsense. That new
fabric conditioner we've been using
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48. has left the towels
delightfully soft and fluffy.
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49. I know.
But they're not good enough for Davison.
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50. Why is he even here?
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51. Well, his wife kicked him out
after she caught him on the job.
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52. Who with?
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53. Shh. A young dancer.
Northerner. Rough, visceral type.
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54. - Ooh.
- Not someone you'd expect at all.
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55. But, you know, love is strange.
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56. Yeah, talking of which,
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57. how's it going with...
what's her name, Penelope?
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58. No, Penvelope.
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59. Penvelope?
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60. Yes, unusual name.
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61. Looks like Penelope
when it's written down,
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62. but there's a V stuck in there.
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63. Anyway, I just call her Pen.
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64. What's up, Toast?
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65. It's nothing.
I just haven't had any action for a while.
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66. - Not like you, Toast.
- I know.
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67. You know, it doesn't do a chap good
to be out of practice.
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68. I'm glad it's going well
with you and what's her name?
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69. - Penvelope.
- Yeah.
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70. You know, she was a finalist
in that really famous
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71. International Beauty Contest for Women
they had in the '70s.
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72. Really? Is that contest still going?
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73. I believe so.
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74. But sadly due to the rise of feminism,
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75. many of these contests
have been driven underground.
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76. - Oh.
- Terrible shame.
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77. My father actually
was on the judging panel in 1972.
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78. Well, now that is a coincidence.
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79. My father was on the judging panel
that year too.
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80. Well, we've seen all the girls. Let's go
straight away now over to our judges.
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81. And first we've got the entrepreneur
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82. Rupert Howzer-Black
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83. who made his fortune
from the Whiskers cat food.
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84. So, Rupert, which one
of our gorgeous, beautiful ladies
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85. could lick your saucer clean?
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86. - Well, it's very hard to choose, Dennis.
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87. But I'd have to say that Miss Fiji
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88. performed extremely strongly
in the swimwear section,
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89. which, as you know, is a highly
competitive part of the contest
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90. and I thought she did very, very well.
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91. Thank you, Rupert.
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92. Moving on now to Colonel Gonville Toast.
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93. Good evening to you, Colonel.
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94. - Who do you fancy?
- Well, I think Miss Portugal
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95. might just shade it for me
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96. due to the amount of time
that she donates to charity.
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97. And I'll make sure I give her a handsome
donation of my own after the show.
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98. I'm sure you will.
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99. Mmm, yeah.
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100. - How's your donation going, Toast?
- Oh, yes!
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101. - Oh, what's that, Toast?
- It's a text from Jane.
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102. What's it about?
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103. Well, Jane's had a text
from the organizers
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104. of the International Beauty Contest
for Women,
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105. asking if I'd like to judge
at this year's event.
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106. Oh, I've also had a text
from the organizers
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107. of the International Beauty Contest
for Women.
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108. They want me to be a judge
at this year's event too.
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109. Yeah, we can go together.
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110. I don't know, Ed. Beauty contests.
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111. They're a bit passé.
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112. They're a bit yesterday's bread.
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113. They're a bit eggnog.
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114. Could be fun though. Tell you what.
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115. I'm seeing Penvelope tonight and she's
bringing a friend along. Like to come?
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116. Pen says that you might fancy her
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117. because she's a weather girl
off the television.
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118. A weather girl? I love weather girls!
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119. - I know you do.
- Which one is she? Sky News?
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120. ITV? Al Jazeera-a-a-a?
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121. She's called Clancy Moped.
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122. I think she works
on a specialist weather channel.
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123. Then count me in.
Even if I don't get to have sex with her,
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124. at least I'll know what next week's
weather is going to be like.
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125. Toast, this is Penvelope.
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126. - She prefers to be called Pen for short.
Hello.
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127. And this is Clancy Moped.
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128. Hello. I'm Steven Toast.
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129. Hello.
Well, this is a nice restaurant, isn't it?
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130. - Lebanese, I believe.
- Lebon-ese.
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131. Oh, not Leban-ese?
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132. No, Lebon-ese.
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133. Remember, Toast,
you once went to a Lebanese restaurant
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134. because you thought
it had something to do with lesbians?
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135. Lebon is a small country
in the Middle East.
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136. - The weather there is actually quite mild.
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137. - Ed tells me you're a weather girl.
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138. Is it that obvious? Ha!
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139. I love the weather.
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140. Mm, well, you must know a lot about it.
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141. So what's the weather like in South Africa
this time of year per example?
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142. Temperatures in South Africa
tend to be a lot lower
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143. than other countries
of similar latitude, such as Australia,
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144. due mainly to the greater elevation
above sea level.
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145. On the interior plateau,
the altitude keeps the...
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146. there is, however, a striking contrast
between temperatures
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147. on the country's east and west coast
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148. due respectively to the warm Agulhas
and cold Benguela currents
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149. that sweep the coast lines.
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150. Fascinating.
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151. I hope I'm not boring you.
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152. Not at all. Not at all.
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153. I do tend to go on
about the weather a lot.
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154. That, and feminism.
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155. - Are you an active feminist?
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156. Oh, very much so, yes.
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157. Mmm, I love feminism.
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158. And I love women.
They're an inspiration to us all.
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159. I mean, you never see a sculpture of a dog
or monkey in an art gallery,
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160. always the bust of a beautiful woman.
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161. I just need to...
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162. Course you do.
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163. Pen?
- I think she probably needs to go too.
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164. Do you want to come with me?
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165. What do you think of Penvelope, eh, Toast?
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166. Former finalist of the world's
most prestigious beauty contest.
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167. But from what year?
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168. 1956, I think. Can't believe my luck.
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169. She looks like she's had a massive stroke.
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170. Massive stroke of good luck for me,
I'd say.
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171. Well, that Clancy's just my type.
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172. She may bang on about the weather a bit,
but she's a cracker and no mistacker.
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173. I'm gonna get the bill and try and wangle
my way back to her place.
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174. What the hell do you think
you're doing? Stop it!
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175. - What?
- That gesture you just made to the waiter.
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176. What, this? Indicating I want the bill.
Everyone knows what that means.
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177. No, no, no, no. In their country,
that gesture means,
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178. "I want to, you know, your mother."
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179. What?
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180. - What is your problem, man?
- What?
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181. Why you make the "I want
to fuck your mother" gesture?
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182. - I didn't, it was... getting the bill.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out!
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183. - What?
- Get out!
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184. And you can forget the bill.
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185. I don't want your fucking money!
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186. Best leave now, Toast.
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187. - What about the ladies?
- Just leave now.
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188. Masut,
show them the fucking door.
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189. - What the fuck are we watching?
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190. It's the state funeral
of Winston Churchill.
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191. And happens to be a favorite piece
of archive footage of mine and Ed's.
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192. Oh, splendid. Have I missed much?
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193. - Where have they got to?
- No, you're all right, Ed.
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194. We're still at Whitehall.
Just coming up to The Strand.
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195. Are you two for fucking real?
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196. You fucking prick dickheads.
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197. Wanking, fucking boring
arsehole shit-houses!
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198. Turn it off, man! Fuck's sake.
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199. - There's gotta be something better on.
- She's got a point, Ed.
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200. You're not gonna watch
the whole thing, are you?
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201. I'm sorry, but Toast and I always watch
this footage on the great man's birthday.
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202. And you, Davison, and your lady friend,
are ruining it for us.
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203. Thought you old actors
were meant to be fucking hellraisers!
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204. It's like being round at me nan
and fucking grandpa's!
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205. Right, I'm off.
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206. Apparently, in their country, this...
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207. means something quite rude,
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208. so we had to get out of the restaurant
pretty sharpish.
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209. Anyway, I was wondering if you
would like to go for a drink with me?
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210. Yes, please.
- Well, that would be delightful.
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211. OK. All the best and I'll see you then.
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212. Yes-s-s-s!
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213. I have to say, I have no interest
in pop music whatsoever.
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214. Me neither.
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215. - Although I do like some groups.
- Who?
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216. Weather Report. Um... Snow Patrol.
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217. Earth Wind & Fire.
Especially the Wind bit.
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218. - Ooh.
- Oh, and my favorite song
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219. is "Singin' in the Rain".
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220. Is it? I don't know that one,
but it sounds delightful.
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221. These Pussy Riot fellas,
are they a group?
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222. I'm wearing the T-shirt
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223. because I think what Pussy Riot
are doing is really important.
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224. I'm fully behind
their radical feminist agenda
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225. and I'll always turn out
to support them if I can.
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226. Me too. Do you know
what a feminist looks like?
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227. - What?
- This.
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228. Hmm.
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229. OK, this date. Would you say
things are blowing hot or cold?
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230. What would your forecast be?
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231. I would say hot.
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232. So would I.
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233. What say we finish these drinks
and go back to your place?
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234. - Ooh...
- Yes.
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235. Very nice.
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236. - Care for a drink?
- Uh, a glass of red wine please.
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237. - Large or small?
- Large, I think.
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238. Yep.
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239. This is a very weather-themed room.
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240. I was just admiring
your charming selection
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241. - of snow globes.
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242. Oh, Toast.
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243. - You must have this one as a gift.
- That's very kind.
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244. It may be cold outside, but I am very hot.
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245. Oh, you're a smooth talker, Toast.
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246. But I have something to tell you.
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247. I've never been much good at romance.
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248. I think that's why I try to stick
to the weather.
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249. It's a very British thing.
We can't talk about our emotions,
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250. so we talk about the weather.
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251. When I'm in love, I just fall apart.
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252. I don't know what to do. I lose focus.
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253. Even my hearing goes a bit off.
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254. Don't worry about that shit.
- Why would I worry about bat shit?
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255. No, not bat shit. That shit.
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256. Sorry, I'm completely losing it now.
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257. It's all because... I love...
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258. Oh, I can't.
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259. You're only man I've ever met...
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260. I can't be the only man you've ever met.
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261. who doesn't mind me blathering on
about feminism topics or the weather.
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262. I don't mind at all.
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263. As the warmth
of the day makes way
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264. for the cool embrace of the night,
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265. let us throw caution to the wi-ind.
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266. Oh, that's lovely.
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267. Well, I thoroughly enjoyed that.
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268. Are you free tomorrow?
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269. She is lovely, and the sex is superb.
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270. Straight down to it, over in seconds.
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271. - A quick park?
- A quick park.
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272. No foreplay.
Just the way the ladies like it.
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273. Anyway, I gotta split.
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274. Got a bloody voiceover.
Shouldn't take too long.
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275. Then I'm seeing the lovely Clancy
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276. where the outlook
looks very promising indeed.
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277. - You think so?
- Yes-s-s.
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278. "So if your broadband connection
is slowing you down,
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279. try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast Broadband."
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280. OK, Steven.
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281. Toast! I couldn't wait
until tonight to see you.
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282. I think you're top class!
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283. Clancy!
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284. Damn this glass
for getting in the way of our love!
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285. Sorry, Steven.
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286. Really do need to crack on
with this broadband voiceover.
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287. Won't be long.
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288. Go back to your flat, Clancy.
Break open the champagne.
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289. I'll be right with you
after I've dealt with these two arseholes.
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290. Are we rolling?
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291. "So if your broadband connection
is slowing you down,
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292. try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast Broadband."
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293. - Just one more.
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294. "So if your broadband connection
is slowing you down..."
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295. "So if your broadband connection
is slowing you down,
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296. try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast Broadband."
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297. - One more?
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298. Good morning, Emma.
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299. "Good morning, Emma."
Fucking tool.
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300. Davison, the washing-up
really needs to be done.
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301. Yes, I'll do it.
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302. We just need to make
another batch of wine first.
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303. Fucking top shit. Right, we're off to
Boots to get some more bottles and gear.
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304. - And don't forget—
- The washing-up. Yes!
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305. Thank goodness we're getting out
of here for the beauty contest today.
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306. - Some relief from those two.
- Yeah.
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307. Shit, the weather's on.
I need to see Clancy.
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308. I missed her last night.
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309. Those idiots at Scramble Studios
made me work late.
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310. There'll be a cold front...
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311. - Ah.
- ... coming in from...
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312. somewhere. It'll be freezing.
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313. I don't know what I'm doing today.
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314. Huh?
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315. See, my Toasty
said that he would call round last night
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316. and then didn't turn up.
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317. Ooh...
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318. The weather is so unimportant.
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319. No, no, no, Clancy. Don't do that.
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320. I think I'm in love.
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321. Oh, dear, the poor girl
seems to be somewhat distressed.
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322. That's because she's in love with me.
I mean, who could blame her?
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323. Ah, that'll be the car
for the beauty contest.
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324. Why are we going so early?
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325. Oh, I imagine there'll be a luncheon
or some lavish reception beforehand.
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326. All right.
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327. International Beauty Contest?
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328. - Yes?
- Yeah, jump in then.
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329. One of you
will have to get in the back, though.
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330. No, you've gotta be kidding.
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331. Where the hell are we going?
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332. We've been traveling for six hours.
I'm freezing!
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333. Yes, driver. Where exactly are we going?
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334. I can't tell you that, mate.
The feminists might find out
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335. then we'd have a shit-storm,
wouldn't we?
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336. Actually, we are a bit early.
I might pull the lamp out.
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337. - Is that OK?
- Lamp? What lamp?
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338. Lamping for rabbits in that field
over there, look. Here you are.
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339. You shoot, right?
I'll lamp and pick up. Nice.
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340. What?
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341. What the hell?
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342. Jesus!
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343. Answer your phone, Ed.
What the hell is going on?
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344. [Ed] Sorry, Toast.
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345. They used to hold these things
in The Dorchester.
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346. Right, gentlemen,
I think we should get started
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347. as soon as possible. Don't you?
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348. Now wait a minute, where's the organizer?
We should talk to him.
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349. I'm the organizer, mate, Vic Titball.
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350. Thanks for agreeing to judge
this year's contest.
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351. I know you said these beauty contests
have been driven underground,
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352. but this is ridiculous.
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353. Looks more like a dogfight.
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354. Right, let's get the girls in.
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355. Ah, the girls. Where are they?
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356. They're outside in a van.
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357. 'Cause it's a bit cramped in here,
we're gonna do 'em in batches of three.
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358. Yes, beautiful ladies.
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359. Miss Bulgaria, Miss Romania and Miss...
Where you from again, darling?
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360. - Albania.
- Albania, of course.
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361. Ah, the swimwear round.
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362. Look, I'm getting out of here, Ed.
This is bullshit. Are you coming?
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363. - Who are they?
- Pussy Riot.
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364. - Pen?
- Clancy!
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365. Toast. No-o-o!
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366. It's not what it seems!
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367. [Ed] History repeating itself
it would appear, Toast.
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368. Clancy was furious.
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369. I'm truly heartbroken, Ed.
It's all over now.
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370. Have you seen Davison and Emma?
Are they back yet?
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371. Davison still hasn't done the washing-up.
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372. I haven't seen them, Ed.
Maybe they're in their room.
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373. I don't think Davison's in a fit state
to do the washing-up, Ed.
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374. All right. It's just you and me then.
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375. - Hm, unbelievable.
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