1. I can't... I can't hear you.
Press the button.Copy !req
2. I can't hear you.
Press the button, you donut.Copy !req
3. - I can't hear you.
- It's Clem Fandango, can you hear me?Copy !req
4. Yeah, obviously if you press the button.Copy !req
5. What's your problem?
You've only worked here for three years.Copy !req
6. Temper, temper, Steven.Copy !req
7. Don't you "temper, temper" me, boy.
Just do your job.Copy !req
8. OK, Steven.
Now the client was very, very specificCopy !req
9. about the style of the read and the
pronunciation of some of the words.Copy !req
10. Clem's got it in front of him.Copy !req
11. - We'll take it from here.
- All right.Copy !req
12. Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?Copy !req
13. You are a fucking star, aren't you?Copy !req
14. - Yes!
- OK, so this is important.Copy !req
15. The client has expressed
that he'd like you to...Copy !req
16. Fucking hell,
you've done it again, you cunt.Copy !req
17. Press the button!Copy !req
18. I can't hear you
unless you push the button!Copy !req
19. Steven, this is Clem Fandango,
can you hear me?Copy !req
20. I dare you to say that one more time.Copy !req
21. Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?Copy !req
22. Yeah, well, then keep your finger
on the fucking button.Copy !req
23. I didn't catch a word of that, all right?Copy !req
24. And I need to hear again exactly how
that client wants me to say this script.Copy !req
25. OK, Steven, so this is important.Copy !req
26. The client expressed they'd like you to
stress certain words within the script.Copy !req
27. - OK.
- The words they'd like you to stress are—Copy !req
28. [Ed] It's a little inappropriate
at the breakfast table, Davison.Copy !req
29. - Maybe you could do it in your room.
- All right. All right.Copy !req
30. Also, this wine-making equipment.
There's rather a lot of it.Copy !req
31. Yeah, what the hell is it?Copy !req
32. Try this, Toast.Copy !req
33. It's splendid.Copy !req
34. Bloody hell, Davison.
It's not even eight o'clock yet.Copy !req
35. Well, all right.Copy !req
36. - You're meant to sip it.
- What the hell is that?Copy !req
37. I call it The Black Death.Copy !req
38. It's just got that extra edge. 25% proof.Copy !req
39. You could clean a car with that.Copy !req
40. You can't give this to anyone.
You'll kill them!Copy !req
41. And could you do the washing-up,
Davison, old chap?Copy !req
42. - It's your turn.
Good God, Ed.Copy !req
43. All right! Do you mind if I have
a Jimmy Riddle first? Is that OK?Copy !req
44. I'm sorry, Ed, but Davison's
really starting to get on my pip.Copy !req
45. Mine too. He's constantly complaining.Copy !req
46. Said earlier that the towels
weren't soft enough.Copy !req
47. That's nonsense. That new
fabric conditioner we've been usingCopy !req
48. has left the towels
delightfully soft and fluffy.Copy !req
49. I know.
But they're not good enough for Davison.Copy !req
50. Why is he even here?Copy !req
51. Well, his wife kicked him out
after she caught him on the job.Copy !req
52. Who with?Copy !req
53. Shh. A young dancer.
Northerner. Rough, visceral type.Copy !req
54. - Ooh.
- Not someone you'd expect at all.Copy !req
55. But, you know, love is strange.Copy !req
56. Yeah, talking of which,Copy !req
57. how's it going with...
what's her name, Penelope?Copy !req
58. No, Penvelope.Copy !req
59. Penvelope?Copy !req
60. Yes, unusual name.Copy !req
61. Looks like Penelope
when it's written down,Copy !req
62. but there's a V stuck in there.Copy !req
63. Anyway, I just call her Pen.Copy !req
64. What's up, Toast?Copy !req
65. It's nothing.
I just haven't had any action for a while.Copy !req
66. - Not like you, Toast.
- I know.Copy !req
67. You know, it doesn't do a chap good
to be out of practice.Copy !req
68. I'm glad it's going well
with you and what's her name?Copy !req
69. - Penvelope.
- Yeah.Copy !req
70. You know, she was a finalist
in that really famousCopy !req
71. International Beauty Contest for Women
they had in the '70s.Copy !req
72. Really? Is that contest still going?Copy !req
73. I believe so.Copy !req
74. But sadly due to the rise of feminism,Copy !req
75. many of these contests
have been driven underground.Copy !req
76. - Oh.
- Terrible shame.Copy !req
77. My father actually
was on the judging panel in 1972.Copy !req
78. Well, now that is a coincidence.Copy !req
79. My father was on the judging panel
that year too.Copy !req
80. Well, we've seen all the girls. Let's go
straight away now over to our judges.Copy !req
81. And first we've got the entrepreneurCopy !req
82. Rupert Howzer-BlackCopy !req
83. who made his fortune
from the Whiskers cat food.Copy !req
84. So, Rupert, which one
of our gorgeous, beautiful ladiesCopy !req
85. could lick your saucer clean?Copy !req
86. - Well, it's very hard to choose, Dennis.Copy !req
87. But I'd have to say that Miss FijiCopy !req
88. performed extremely strongly
in the swimwear section,Copy !req
89. which, as you know, is a highly
competitive part of the contestCopy !req
90. and I thought she did very, very well.Copy !req
91. Thank you, Rupert.Copy !req
92. Moving on now to Colonel Gonville Toast.Copy !req
93. Good evening to you, Colonel.Copy !req
94. - Who do you fancy?
- Well, I think Miss PortugalCopy !req
95. might just shade it for meCopy !req
96. due to the amount of time
that she donates to charity.Copy !req
97. And I'll make sure I give her a handsome
donation of my own after the show.Copy !req
98. I'm sure you will.Copy !req
99. Mmm, yeah.Copy !req
100. - How's your donation going, Toast?
- Oh, yes!Copy !req
101. - Oh, what's that, Toast?
- It's a text from Jane.Copy !req
102. What's it about?Copy !req
103. Well, Jane's had a text
from the organizersCopy !req
104. of the International Beauty Contest
for Women,Copy !req
105. asking if I'd like to judge
at this year's event.Copy !req
106. Oh, I've also had a text
from the organizersCopy !req
107. of the International Beauty Contest
for Women.Copy !req
108. They want me to be a judge
at this year's event too.Copy !req
109. Yeah, we can go together.Copy !req
110. I don't know, Ed. Beauty contests.Copy !req
111. They're a bit passé.Copy !req
112. They're a bit yesterday's bread.Copy !req
113. They're a bit eggnog.Copy !req
114. Could be fun though. Tell you what.Copy !req
115. I'm seeing Penvelope tonight and she's
bringing a friend along. Like to come?Copy !req
116. Pen says that you might fancy herCopy !req
117. because she's a weather girl
off the television.Copy !req
118. A weather girl? I love weather girls!Copy !req
119. - I know you do.
- Which one is she? Sky News?Copy !req
120. ITV? Al Jazeera-a-a-a?Copy !req
121. She's called Clancy Moped.Copy !req
122. I think she works
on a specialist weather channel.Copy !req
123. Then count me in.
Even if I don't get to have sex with her,Copy !req
124. at least I'll know what next week's
weather is going to be like.Copy !req
125. Toast, this is Penvelope.Copy !req
126. - She prefers to be called Pen for short.
Hello.Copy !req
127. And this is Clancy Moped.Copy !req
128. Hello. I'm Steven Toast.Copy !req
129. Hello.
Well, this is a nice restaurant, isn't it?Copy !req
130. - Lebanese, I believe.
- Lebon-ese.Copy !req
131. Oh, not Leban-ese?Copy !req
132. No, Lebon-ese.Copy !req
133. Remember, Toast,
you once went to a Lebanese restaurantCopy !req
134. because you thought
it had something to do with lesbians?Copy !req
135. Lebon is a small country
in the Middle East.Copy !req
136. - The weather there is actually quite mild.Copy !req
137. - Ed tells me you're a weather girl.Copy !req
138. Is it that obvious? Ha!Copy !req
139. I love the weather.Copy !req
140. Mm, well, you must know a lot about it.Copy !req
141. So what's the weather like in South Africa
this time of year per example?Copy !req
142. Temperatures in South Africa
tend to be a lot lowerCopy !req
143. than other countries
of similar latitude, such as Australia,Copy !req
144. due mainly to the greater elevation
above sea level.Copy !req
145. On the interior plateau,
the altitude keeps the...Copy !req
146. there is, however, a striking contrast
between temperaturesCopy !req
147. on the country's east and west coastCopy !req
148. due respectively to the warm Agulhas
and cold Benguela currentsCopy !req
149. that sweep the coast lines.Copy !req
150. Fascinating.Copy !req
151. I hope I'm not boring you.Copy !req
152. Not at all. Not at all.Copy !req
153. I do tend to go on
about the weather a lot.Copy !req
154. That, and feminism.Copy !req
155. - Are you an active feminist?Copy !req
156. Oh, very much so, yes.Copy !req
157. Mmm, I love feminism.Copy !req
158. And I love women.
They're an inspiration to us all.Copy !req
159. I mean, you never see a sculpture of a dog
or monkey in an art gallery,Copy !req
160. always the bust of a beautiful woman.Copy !req
161. I just need to...Copy !req
162. Course you do.Copy !req
163. Pen?
- I think she probably needs to go too.Copy !req
164. Do you want to come with me?Copy !req
165. What do you think of Penvelope, eh, Toast?Copy !req
166. Former finalist of the world's
most prestigious beauty contest.Copy !req
167. But from what year?Copy !req
168. 1956, I think. Can't believe my luck.Copy !req
169. She looks like she's had a massive stroke.Copy !req
170. Massive stroke of good luck for me,
I'd say.Copy !req
171. Well, that Clancy's just my type.Copy !req
172. She may bang on about the weather a bit,
but she's a cracker and no mistacker.Copy !req
173. I'm gonna get the bill and try and wangle
my way back to her place.Copy !req
174. What the hell do you think
you're doing? Stop it!Copy !req
175. - What?
- That gesture you just made to the waiter.Copy !req
176. What, this? Indicating I want the bill.
Everyone knows what that means.Copy !req
177. No, no, no, no. In their country,
that gesture means,Copy !req
178. "I want to, you know, your mother."Copy !req
179. What?Copy !req
180. - What is your problem, man?
- What?Copy !req
181. Why you make the "I want
to fuck your mother" gesture?Copy !req
182. - I didn't, it was... getting the bill.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out!Copy !req
183. - What?
- Get out!Copy !req
184. And you can forget the bill.Copy !req
185. I don't want your fucking money!Copy !req
186. Best leave now, Toast.Copy !req
187. - What about the ladies?
- Just leave now.Copy !req
188. Masut,
show them the fucking door.Copy !req
189. - What the fuck are we watching?Copy !req
190. It's the state funeral
of Winston Churchill.Copy !req
191. And happens to be a favorite piece
of archive footage of mine and Ed's.Copy !req
192. Oh, splendid. Have I missed much?Copy !req
193. - Where have they got to?
- No, you're all right, Ed.Copy !req
194. We're still at Whitehall.
Just coming up to The Strand.Copy !req
195. Are you two for fucking real?Copy !req
196. You fucking prick dickheads.Copy !req
197. Wanking, fucking boring
arsehole shit-houses!Copy !req
198. Turn it off, man! Fuck's sake.Copy !req
199. - There's gotta be something better on.
- She's got a point, Ed.Copy !req
200. You're not gonna watch
the whole thing, are you?Copy !req
201. I'm sorry, but Toast and I always watch
this footage on the great man's birthday.Copy !req
202. And you, Davison, and your lady friend,
are ruining it for us.Copy !req
203. Thought you old actors
were meant to be fucking hellraisers!Copy !req
204. It's like being round at me nan
and fucking grandpa's!Copy !req
205. Right, I'm off.Copy !req
206. Apparently, in their country, this...Copy !req
207. means something quite rude,Copy !req
208. so we had to get out of the restaurant
pretty sharpish.Copy !req
209. Anyway, I was wondering if you
would like to go for a drink with me?Copy !req
210. Yes, please.
- Well, that would be delightful.Copy !req
211. OK. All the best and I'll see you then.Copy !req
212. Yes-s-s-s!Copy !req
213. I have to say, I have no interest
in pop music whatsoever.Copy !req
214. Me neither.Copy !req
215. - Although I do like some groups.
- Who?Copy !req
216. Weather Report. Um... Snow Patrol.Copy !req
217. Earth Wind & Fire.
Especially the Wind bit.Copy !req
218. - Ooh.
- Oh, and my favorite songCopy !req
219. is "Singin' in the Rain".Copy !req
220. Is it? I don't know that one,
but it sounds delightful.Copy !req
221. These Pussy Riot fellas,
are they a group?Copy !req
222. I'm wearing the T-shirtCopy !req
223. because I think what Pussy Riot
are doing is really important.Copy !req
224. I'm fully behind
their radical feminist agendaCopy !req
225. and I'll always turn out
to support them if I can.Copy !req
226. Me too. Do you know
what a feminist looks like?Copy !req
227. - What?
- This.Copy !req
228. Hmm.Copy !req
229. OK, this date. Would you say
things are blowing hot or cold?Copy !req
230. What would your forecast be?Copy !req
231. I would say hot.Copy !req
232. So would I.Copy !req
233. What say we finish these drinks
and go back to your place?Copy !req
234. - Ooh...
- Yes.Copy !req
235. Very nice.Copy !req
236. - Care for a drink?
- Uh, a glass of red wine please.Copy !req
237. - Large or small?
- Large, I think.Copy !req
238. Yep.Copy !req
239. This is a very weather-themed room.Copy !req
240. I was just admiring
your charming selectionCopy !req
241. - of snow globes.Copy !req
242. Oh, Toast.Copy !req
243. - You must have this one as a gift.
- That's very kind.Copy !req
244. It may be cold outside, but I am very hot.Copy !req
245. Oh, you're a smooth talker, Toast.Copy !req
246. But I have something to tell you.Copy !req
247. I've never been much good at romance.Copy !req
248. I think that's why I try to stick
to the weather.Copy !req
249. It's a very British thing.
We can't talk about our emotions,Copy !req
250. so we talk about the weather.Copy !req
251. When I'm in love, I just fall apart.Copy !req
252. I don't know what to do. I lose focus.Copy !req
253. Even my hearing goes a bit off.Copy !req
254. Don't worry about that shit.
- Why would I worry about bat shit?Copy !req
255. No, not bat shit. That shit.Copy !req
256. Sorry, I'm completely losing it now.Copy !req
257. It's all because... I love...Copy !req
258. Oh, I can't.Copy !req
259. You're only man I've ever met...Copy !req
260. I can't be the only man you've ever met.Copy !req
261. who doesn't mind me blathering on
about feminism topics or the weather.Copy !req
262. I don't mind at all.Copy !req
263. As the warmth
of the day makes wayCopy !req
264. for the cool embrace of the night,Copy !req
265. let us throw caution to the wi-ind.Copy !req
266. Oh, that's lovely.Copy !req
267. Well, I thoroughly enjoyed that.Copy !req
268. Are you free tomorrow?Copy !req
269. She is lovely, and the sex is superb.Copy !req
270. Straight down to it, over in seconds.Copy !req
271. - A quick park?
- A quick park.Copy !req
272. No foreplay.
Just the way the ladies like it.Copy !req
273. Anyway, I gotta split.Copy !req
274. Got a bloody voiceover.
Shouldn't take too long.Copy !req
275. Then I'm seeing the lovely ClancyCopy !req
276. where the outlook
looks very promising indeed.Copy !req
277. - You think so?
- Yes-s-s.Copy !req
278. "So if your broadband connection
is slowing you down,Copy !req
279. try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast Broadband."Copy !req
280. OK, Steven.Copy !req
281. Toast! I couldn't wait
until tonight to see you.Copy !req
282. I think you're top class!Copy !req
283. Clancy!Copy !req
284. Damn this glass
for getting in the way of our love!Copy !req
285. Sorry, Steven.Copy !req
286. Really do need to crack on
with this broadband voiceover.Copy !req
287. Won't be long.Copy !req
288. Go back to your flat, Clancy.
Break open the champagne.Copy !req
289. I'll be right with you
after I've dealt with these two arseholes.Copy !req
290. Are we rolling?Copy !req
291. "So if your broadband connection
is slowing you down,Copy !req
292. try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast Broadband."Copy !req
293. - Just one more.Copy !req
294. "So if your broadband connection
is slowing you down..."Copy !req
295. "So if your broadband connection
is slowing you down,Copy !req
296. try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast Broadband."Copy !req
297. - One more?Copy !req
298. Good morning, Emma.Copy !req
299. "Good morning, Emma."
Fucking tool.Copy !req
300. Davison, the washing-up
really needs to be done.Copy !req
301. Yes, I'll do it.Copy !req
302. We just need to make
another batch of wine first.Copy !req
303. Fucking top shit. Right, we're off to
Boots to get some more bottles and gear.Copy !req
304. - And don't forget—
- The washing-up. Yes!Copy !req
305. Thank goodness we're getting out
of here for the beauty contest today.Copy !req
306. - Some relief from those two.
- Yeah.Copy !req
307. Shit, the weather's on.
I need to see Clancy.Copy !req
308. I missed her last night.Copy !req
309. Those idiots at Scramble Studios
made me work late.Copy !req
310. There'll be a cold front...Copy !req
311. - Ah.
- ... coming in from...Copy !req
312. somewhere. It'll be freezing.Copy !req
313. I don't know what I'm doing today.Copy !req
314. Huh?Copy !req
315. See, my Toasty
said that he would call round last nightCopy !req
316. and then didn't turn up.Copy !req
317. Ooh...Copy !req
318. The weather is so unimportant.Copy !req
319. No, no, no, Clancy. Don't do that.Copy !req
320. I think I'm in love.Copy !req
321. Oh, dear, the poor girl
seems to be somewhat distressed.Copy !req
322. That's because she's in love with me.
I mean, who could blame her?Copy !req
323. Ah, that'll be the car
for the beauty contest.Copy !req
324. Why are we going so early?Copy !req
325. Oh, I imagine there'll be a luncheon
or some lavish reception beforehand.Copy !req
326. All right.Copy !req
327. International Beauty Contest?Copy !req
328. - Yes?
- Yeah, jump in then.Copy !req
329. One of you
will have to get in the back, though.Copy !req
330. No, you've gotta be kidding.Copy !req
331. Where the hell are we going?Copy !req
332. We've been traveling for six hours.
I'm freezing!Copy !req
333. Yes, driver. Where exactly are we going?Copy !req
334. I can't tell you that, mate.
The feminists might find outCopy !req
335. then we'd have a shit-storm,
wouldn't we?Copy !req
336. Actually, we are a bit early.
I might pull the lamp out.Copy !req
337. - Is that OK?
- Lamp? What lamp?Copy !req
338. Lamping for rabbits in that field
over there, look. Here you are.Copy !req
339. You shoot, right?
I'll lamp and pick up. Nice.Copy !req
340. What?Copy !req
341. What the hell?Copy !req
342. Jesus!Copy !req
343. Answer your phone, Ed.
What the hell is going on?Copy !req
344. [Ed] Sorry, Toast.Copy !req
345. They used to hold these things
in The Dorchester.Copy !req
346. Right, gentlemen,
I think we should get startedCopy !req
347. as soon as possible. Don't you?Copy !req
348. Now wait a minute, where's the organizer?
We should talk to him.Copy !req
349. I'm the organizer, mate, Vic Titball.Copy !req
350. Thanks for agreeing to judge
this year's contest.Copy !req
351. I know you said these beauty contests
have been driven underground,Copy !req
352. but this is ridiculous.Copy !req
353. Looks more like a dogfight.Copy !req
354. Right, let's get the girls in.Copy !req
355. Ah, the girls. Where are they?Copy !req
356. They're outside in a van.Copy !req
357. 'Cause it's a bit cramped in here,
we're gonna do 'em in batches of three.Copy !req
358. Yes, beautiful ladies.Copy !req
359. Miss Bulgaria, Miss Romania and Miss...
Where you from again, darling?Copy !req
360. - Albania.
- Albania, of course.Copy !req
361. Ah, the swimwear round.Copy !req
362. Look, I'm getting out of here, Ed.
This is bullshit. Are you coming?Copy !req
363. - Who are they?
- Pussy Riot.Copy !req
364. - Pen?
- Clancy!Copy !req
365. Toast. No-o-o!Copy !req
366. It's not what it seems!Copy !req
367. [Ed] History repeating itself
it would appear, Toast.Copy !req
368. Clancy was furious.Copy !req
369. I'm truly heartbroken, Ed.
It's all over now.Copy !req
370. Have you seen Davison and Emma?
Are they back yet?Copy !req
371. Davison still hasn't done the washing-up.Copy !req
372. I haven't seen them, Ed.
Maybe they're in their room.Copy !req
373. I don't think Davison's in a fit state
to do the washing-up, Ed.Copy !req
374. All right. It's just you and me then.Copy !req
375. - Hm, unbelievable.Copy !req