1. - Phone us on—"
- That's great. That's literally it.Copy !req
2. What?Copy !req
3. You don't want me to finish it?
There's no phone number, it just stops.Copy !req
4. All good, buddy.Copy !req
5. It's half an advert.
That's a bit bloody peculiar, isn't it?Copy !req
6. Hello, Steven, this is Clem Fandango.Copy !req
7. - Can you hear me?
- Shut up, I'm talking to the grown-up.Copy !req
8. Who the hell wants half an advert?Copy !req
9. Honestly, Steven, don't worry.
It's just a demo for some new client.Copy !req
10. It probably won't go anywhere anyway.Copy !req
11. - What the hell are you talking about?
- Hello, Steven.Copy !req
12. We've really got to wrap this upCopy !req
13. - and crack on with another session.Copy !req
14. - Is that Colin?
- Yeah, he's waiting outside.Copy !req
15. All right, all right.Copy !req
16. I suppose I'll see you two next Thursday.Copy !req
17. Mm.Copy !req
18. Actually, Steven?
- What?Copy !req
19. Would you mind showing Colin in
on your way out?Copy !req
20. - Only I don't think he's been here before.Copy !req
21. It's just through there.
I think they're expecting you.Copy !req
22. I know where it is thank you, big boy.Copy !req
23. God, I thought he'd never leave.
He's such a dick.Copy !req
24. - What the...?
- Are you sure he's gone?Copy !req
25. Oh, yeah. Just gonna play some
of the guide through your headphones.Copy !req
26. - OK.Copy !req
27. Got it.Copy !req
28. Are we rolling?Copy !req
29. and find a better job.Copy !req
30. There's a great new career
out there waiting for you.Copy !req
31. - Phone us on 08081570000.Copy !req
32. What the f...?Copy !req
33. Well, I see you're enjoying
the hospitality here, Steven.Copy !req
34. Well, it's a bit early for me,
but your chef was very insistent.Copy !req
35. - I know, he's a wee devil, isn't he?
- He is. Anyway, bottoms up!Copy !req
36. So, I understand you are returning
to the theater in the Scottish play.Copy !req
37. Yes. I notice you didn't say it.
- I know.Copy !req
38. Is it still a big no-no in theatrical
circles to actually say Macbeth?Copy !req
39. Yeah.Copy !req
40. Anyway, it's a great part
and it's in Regent's Park.Copy !req
41. It's in the open air.Copy !req
42. Yeah. It's always a pleasure
to do Shakespeare and it's a nice bonusCopy !req
43. that you get some fresh air
at the same time.Copy !req
44. Well, it's being simultaneously broadcast,
of course, live on ITV's Night of Culture.Copy !req
45. Is it?Copy !req
46. - Yes, yes.
- Right, well, I wasn't aware of that.Copy !req
47. Yeah, it is. Because, you know, doing
a whole Shakespeare play live on TV,Copy !req
48. I mean, that's... you know, that's brave.
That must be nerve-racking.Copy !req
49. Yeah, I'm sure I'll rise to the challenge.Copy !req
50. Now, who else is in it?Copy !req
51. Oh, well, there's Una Length,
Rob Continental—Copy !req
52. Ray Purchase?Copy !req
53. There's... oh and, of course, Sue Pressier
who's worked a lot with Stanley Kubrick.Copy !req
54. - Oh, are you a Kubrick fan?
- I wouldn't say I'm a fan,Copy !req
55. but, uh, I did meet him once.Copy !req
56. - Really?
- Mm.Copy !req
57. - What happened?
- Well, it was a long time ago.Copy !req
58. - Have you got time?
- Yeah.Copy !req
59. OK, well, it would have been about 1969.Copy !req
60. I was doing some cheap pornographic film
in Pinewood Studios.Copy !req
61. I don't know
whether this is of any interest to you.Copy !req
62. I could tell they were desperate
to get you. "Name your price," they said.Copy !req
63. And I picked the biggest number
I could think of.Copy !req
64. Five thousand pounds!Copy !req
65. For a voiceover. Isn't that terrific?Copy !req
66. - Five thousand pounds?
- Yes!Copy !req
67. And they said name your price?Copy !req
68. Anything at all. There were no limits
on how high they were willing to go!Copy !req
69. But why didn't you say
six thousand pounds?Copy !req
70. Or six hundred thousand pounds,
or a million pounds?Copy !req
71. Or a million million pounds?Copy !req
72. Because, at the time, the biggest number
I could think of was five thousand pounds.Copy !req
73. Anyway, we got the gig.Copy !req
74. You're blasted lucky
to be getting any voiceover jobs at all.Copy !req
75. This tiny chap who sounds just like you
is moving in on your patch.Copy !req
76. Slightly cheaper,
and infinitely easier to work with.Copy !req
77. Yeah, this can't be legal.
Can you not sue him or something?Copy !req
78. - Ha!
- And talking of suing people,Copy !req
79. I should be suing you
for failing to mentionCopy !req
80. that this Shakespeare thing
is going out live on TV!Copy !req
81. Oh, did I not tell you?Copy !req
82. Yes. A Night of Culture on ITV.Copy !req
83. Straight after Emmerdale Farm.
Imagine the viewers.Copy !req
84. Jane, I...
I've never done any live television.Copy !req
85. What are you talking about?
You did it this morning, you cretin.Copy !req
86. What, ten minutes on Lorraine?Copy !req
87. And I was half boozed.Copy !req
88. Three hours of intense Shakespeare
is a different box of cheese!Copy !req
89. Indeed. Who could forget
when dear old Patrick Stewart...Copy !req
90. How was Lorraine this morning, anyway?
I missed it.Copy !req
91. No idea, I was pissed.Copy !req
92. Jane, your phone's actually lit up.Copy !req
93. - I've never seen it do that before.
- Very quiet.Copy !req
94. This is Jane Plough speaking.Copy !req
95. Who am I talking to, please?Copy !req
96. What's this in reference to?Copy !req
97. Who is it?Copy !req
98. - Well, I'll have to speak to him myself.
- Who?Copy !req
99. No comment.Copy !req
100. Who was that?Copy !req
101. Do you remember telling a story
about Stanley KubrickCopy !req
102. - to Lorraine this morning, Toast?Copy !req
103. I couldn't have been
that pissed, could I?Copy !req
104. - Just answer the question.Copy !req
105. I may have told her the story.Copy !req
106. - The story?Copy !req
107. Go on then.Copy !req
108. Well, it was a few years ago now.Copy !req
109. 1969, to be precise.Copy !req
110. I was at Pinewood Studios
doing some low-budget film.Copy !req
111. Some sex comedy, probably.Copy !req
112. Anyway, I smoked a hell of a lot
of grass back thenCopy !req
113. and would frequently
not remember what I was doing.Copy !req
114. I was supposed to meet someone at Stage
B,Copy !req
115. but I foolishly walked into Stage D.Copy !req
116. I mean, I really was cock
of the walk back then.Copy !req
117. I paid no mind to any rules or regs.Copy !req
118. You might call me an easy ride-e-er.Copy !req
119. - Get on with it, Toast.
- All right.Copy !req
120. Anyway, I wandered through the back door,Copy !req
121. but failed to notice a large
"keep out" sign and red recording lightCopy !req
122. as I made my way
into the vast film studios.Copy !req
123. It could have been something to do
with the amount of Children in NeedCopy !req
124. I was smoking, but the very next thing
I knew, I was walking on the moon.Copy !req
125. I could even see a couple
of astronauts waving at meCopy !req
126. and the Apollo 11 space module.Copy !req
127. Hey, Cut. Hey!Copy !req
128. - But out of nowhere...
- Hey, you!Copy !req
129. a parka-wearing hairy man
whom I recognized as Stanley KubrickCopy !req
130. slammed me hard against a wall.Copy !req
131. - Who are you?
- He demanded to know who I was.Copy !req
132. Steven Toast?Copy !req
133. When I informed him,
he berated me in an angry fashion.Copy !req
134. If you ever breathe a word
about what you've just seen,Copy !req
135. I guarantee
you'll be tracked down and killed.Copy !req
136. If I ever hear of you again...Copy !req
137. - you're dead!Copy !req
138. - And another thing...
- Now, get the fuck off my set!Copy !req
139. After Kubrick had finished berating me,Copy !req
140. I noticed a stern-looking man
in the doorway watchingCopy !req
141. - was none other than—
- Richard "Tricky Dicky" Nixon.Copy !req
142. Well, how in hell did you know that?Copy !req
143. Very lucky guess. How amazing!Copy !req
144. The actual president
of the United States!Copy !req
145. - Know what you've done, don't you, Toast?
- No.Copy !req
146. On a live television program,
watched by possibly millions,Copy !req
147. you cheerfully admitted
to having witnessed somethingCopy !req
148. that could not only bring down
the US government,Copy !req
149. but could also destroy the entire world.Copy !req
150. Could I use your toilet facilities?Copy !req
151. It's no good.
These pickled onions are always tricky.Copy !req
152. Well, maybe Ray'll be able
to get it off later.Copy !req
153. I very much doubt that.Copy !req
154. There! That looks great.Copy !req
155. This whole Kubrick thing,
it's a most peculiar business.Copy !req
156. Well, you are under enormous pressure
at the moment, Toast.Copy !req
157. Maybe you hallucinated it.Copy !req
158. Of course I bloody didn't.
You can't hallucinate the past.Copy !req
159. I know what I saw.Copy !req
160. I'm sure it's connected to you doing
this Shakespeare in the Park live on TV.Copy !req
161. - How?
- Some kind of nervous reactionCopy !req
162. related to stage fright
has induced a false memory.Copy !req
163. It can do odd things.
Who can forget dear old Patrick Stewart?Copy !req
164. Hmm, maybe.Copy !req
165. Anyway, where were we?Copy !req
166. You were trying to get the lid
off my pickled onions.Copy !req
167. Maybe I've got some pickled onions
of my own that need releasing.Copy !req
168. He's just such an arsehole.
Can you believe it?Copy !req
169. - The moon landings.
- The moon landings.Copy !req
170. Kubrick, a breakdown live on Lorraine.Copy !req
171. - Unbelievable.
- Any sign of Peggy?Copy !req
172. Peggy?Copy !req
173. I don't think even
legendary theater director Peggy PlywoodCopy !req
174. can help you out of this one, Toast.Copy !req
175. Ray bloody Purchase.Copy !req
176. Anyone got a number
for the men in white coats?Copy !req
177. Walking on the moon.Copy !req
178. Really, Toast?
You've trumped yourself this time.Copy !req
179. And you chose to have your meltdown
live on Lorraine. Just brilliant.Copy !req
180. Shut up, Ray Purchase!
For those with your minds on other things,Copy !req
181. may I remind you that in 30 hours' time,Copy !req
182. you'll be on stage
in one of Shakespeare's greatest plays!Copy !req
183. Which is also being broadcast
live to the nation on ITV.Copy !req
184. - Oh, God.
- Of course, Peggy, I'm so sorry if I—Copy !req
185. Shut up, Ray Purchase!Copy !req
186. Now, I'd like to look at Banquo's entrance
again before we do the last dress run.Copy !req
187. So sort yourselves out!Copy !req
188. - Oh, I like this one.Copy !req
189. - Toast.Copy !req
190. - Toast!Copy !req
191. Jesus Christ, Peggy. I nearly shat
my gray rehearsal sweatpants!Copy !req
192. Judging by the position
of that whisky bottle,Copy !req
193. I deduce that you have not yet
been to bed.Copy !req
194. I can't sleep, Ed.
My brain's doing somersaults.Copy !req
195. I didn't know this Shakespeare play
was going out live on TV.Copy !req
196. Of course, live TV. Always quite...Copy !req
197. - All right.
- I've known a lot of actors lose itCopy !req
198. when they do drama live on television.Copy !req
199. I remember Scott Chestnut
once became very racistCopy !req
200. - just before he did Lear live on BBC2.
- That's right, he did.Copy !req
201. Don't worry, Toast.
Most actors would be really scaredCopy !req
202. about having to do Shakespeare
live on television.Copy !req
203. - Really scared.
- I'm not really scared.Copy !req
204. - Are you sure?
- Yes.Copy !req
205. - Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
206. - Re-e-eaally?
- Yes-aah!Copy !req
207. And who could forget
when dear old Paddy Stewart...Copy !req
208. - Paddy...Copy !req
209. - Toast.
- Any sign of them yet?Copy !req
210. - Who?
- The CIA.Copy !req
211. That's presumably who Kubrick meant
when he said they were going to get us.Copy !req
212. Us?
- I'm your agent, Toast.Copy !req
213. I know too much.
They'll take me out as well.Copy !req
214. No. I probably imagined it, Jane.
I mean, I—Copy !req
215. We need to be very careful.Copy !req
216. Very careful.Copy !req
217. I'm going to hang up now.
Phone is probably bugged.Copy !req
218. - Jane?Copy !req
219. Ladies and gentlemen
of the cast, this is your one-hour call.Copy !req
220. One hour please.Copy !req
221. - Biscuit?
- Mm.Copy !req
222. Um... No, thanks.Copy !req
223. Patrick Stewart.Copy !req
224. Steven Toast.Copy !req
225. Doing drama on live TV.
Patrick hated it. I'll never forget...Copy !req
226. What the hell does that mean?Copy !req
227. You don't know?Copy !req
228. When Patrick did Hamlet live on BBC2,Copy !req
229. Back in those days,
Patrick had a lovely head of hair.Copy !req
230. Bit like yours, Toast. But less weird.Copy !req
231. So, it's all going very well
until about the fourth actCopy !req
232. when his hair starts falling out.Copy !req
233. First in single hairs, then strands,
then whole clumps.Copy !req
234. By the time he gets to the castle
in the final act, he's as bald as a coot.Copy !req
235. - You're kidding?
- No. There's hair all over the floor.Copy !req
236. And all 'cause he was doing Shakespeare
live on TV.Copy !req
237. God help me.Copy !req
238. Yeah, it can affect actors
in all kinds of strange ways.Copy !req
239. I've seen one chap start talking backwards
during a live Corrie.Copy !req
240. And Scott Chestnut,
he suddenly became very fascist.Copy !req
241. No, racist.Copy !req
242. - Why are you clinging on to this pillar?
- I'm not.Copy !req
243. And if you don't mind, Peggy...Copy !req
244. I'd like to prepare.Copy !req
245. Alo-o-one.Copy !req
246. - Toast.
- Oh, glad I caught you, Toast.Copy !req
247. I think you may have taken my mobile
by mistake.Copy !req
248. Oh yeah, that's all right, Ed.
It's right here. I'll just get...Copy !req
249. Ed, your mobile is in fact
right in front of me,Copy !req
250. but I can't reach it
because I can't let go of the pillar.Copy !req
251. Can you get here ASAP?Copy !req
252. - I think I might have...Copy !req
253. stage fright.Copy !req
254. Good evening.Copy !req
255. Come on, Toast. You know you want to.Copy !req
256. - Look. I've got the jar of picked onions.Copy !req
257. - Ooh.Copy !req
258. Why don't you come over here
and unscrew my lid?Copy !req
259. - Ooof.Copy !req
260. Ooh!Copy !req
261. - Just...Copy !req
262. OK, thanks, Mrs. Purchase.
Doesn't seem to be working.Copy !req
263. This is serious, Ed.
You know what kind of sex appetite I have.Copy !req
264. I know you do, but for whatever reason,Copy !req
265. you don't seem to be able to break free
from that pillar.Copy !req
266. - OK, you can go now, Mrs. P.
- Oh, OK, Ed. Sorry I couldn't do more.Copy !req
267. Come on, Toast. Get into costume.
I wanna rehearse the sword fight.Copy !req
268. You've not cracked it yet,
and I refuse to look a Tom Fool on stage!Copy !req
269. - What are you doing here, darling?
- Oh, grow up, Ray.Copy !req
270. - Are those my pickled onions?
- Will you both please leave now?Copy !req
271. - Are those my pickled onions?
- Stop being so childish. God!Copy !req
272. - What are you doing in there with Toast?
- Why are you so paranoid all the time?Copy !req
273. Absolutely fascinating.Copy !req
274. A very similar thing happened
to Roy Castle on Record Breakers.Copy !req
275. He couldn't let go of a fire extinguisherCopy !req
276. and we were told not to touch him,
in case he had a heart attack.Copy !req
277. - Oh, God.
- Who else knows about this?Copy !req
278. - Peggy? The cast?
- Yeah, I mean, well, pretty much.Copy !req
279. You couldn't scratch my back
for me could you, Ed? I can't reach.Copy !req
280. Of course, old chap.Copy !req
281. Slightly lower. There we... Oh, yeah.Copy !req
282. Toast.Copy !req
283. - Toast, have they tried to kill you yet?Copy !req
284. - Who?
- The American CIA.Copy !req
285. - Have they tried to kill you?
- No.Copy !req
286. That's good.
We need to be extremely careful.Copy !req
287. Look, I can't let go.Copy !req
288. You... You can't what?Copy !req
289. I can't let go of the pillar.Copy !req
290. My God, they must have drugged you
or something.Copy !req
291. No, Jane,
I'm pretty sure I've got stage fright.Copy !req
292. Nonsense!
The Americans have done this to youCopy !req
293. because you blabbed
about the moon landings.Copy !req
294. It's hard for a chap to swallow his pride,
Ed, but I'm in the shit,Copy !req
295. and you mentioned you knew someone
that could possibly help me.Copy !req
296. Right, well, I hope he's available.
He's the best in the biz.Copy !req
297. Well, that's who I need.Copy !req
298. Hi. Yeah, I'm fine, yeah.Copy !req
299. You're just back from Hollywood?
Fantastic.Copy !req
300. Listen, I'm gonna need your skills.
You could say it's an emergency.Copy !req
301. "Because the world's not
black and white. The world's in color."Copy !req
302. - That is... That's great, Colin.
- No problem, fellas.Copy !req
303. Stunning work, Colin, mate.
You got it in one.Copy !req
304. I don't see a reason why we should get
Toast in for another voiceoverCopy !req
305. like ever, ever again.Copy !req
306. Exactamundo, why bother? I mean,
Colin's... Colin's just so much cooler.Copy !req
307. You bet he is.
Steven Toast is just a wanker.Copy !req
308. Right, we're gonna take a break, yeah?
We are like way ahead of schedule.Copy !req
309. - Yeah!Copy !req
310. - Get in.Copy !req
311. Now, don't be nervous.
Alan is the best.Copy !req
312. He has a terrific bedside manner, and is
very experienced in these situations.Copy !req
313. - Did you just say Alan?Copy !req
314. Where the fuck is he?
- You gotta be kidding.Copy !req
315. How you doing, boys?Copy !req
316. - Hi, Alan.
- Hi, Alan.Copy !req
317. Now then...Copy !req
318. Ed tells me that you've lost your bottle.Copy !req
319. - Thanks, Ed.
- Don't you worry, son.Copy !req
320. I've cured many actors whose arse
has caved in at the last minute.Copy !req
321. Roy Castle, Mark Rylance,
and I'm just back from Hollywood.Copy !req
322. Been doing a lot of work with Meryl Streep
and her fear of bells.Copy !req
323. It's a bit desperate, Alan.
The curtain goes up in—Copy !req
324. Shh-shh-shh!Copy !req
325. All I need you to do
is listen to my voice and my voice alone.Copy !req
326. And I guarantee we'll have you back on
that greengage in no fucking time at all.Copy !req
327. - Now then—
- Spare me this New Age shoeshine.Copy !req
328. Look, Toast,
you'd better get your act together.Copy !req
329. We're on in less than one hour.
I have waited 20 years to play Macduff.Copy !req
330. I won't let you screw it up for me!
Word is out about this Kubrick thing.Copy !req
331. Everyone thinks you've lost your marbles.
You're a joke!Copy !req
332. If you fuck this up tonight,Copy !req
333. every actor in London
is gonna hunt you downCopy !req
334. and cut you from arsehole
to breakfast time!Copy !req
335. - Who the fuck is this?
His name's Ray Purchase.Copy !req
336. He lives near the Warrington pub, Alan,
in Maida Vale.Copy !req
337. Nice boozer. Now you listen to me,Copy !req
338. Ray Purchase from Maida Vale.Copy !req
339. Yous have got two options here, I reckon.
One, you carry on like you wasCopy !req
340. and take a chance
that I don't hunt you downCopy !req
341. and cut you from arsehole
to breakfast time!Copy !req
342. Or you can fuck offCopy !req
343. after apologizing to me
for pulling me off my stroke.Copy !req
344. I'm sorry, Alan.
I was just trying to help.Copy !req
345. And to Toast.Copy !req
346. - Really?
- Yes!Copy !req
347. - Sorry, Toast.Copy !req
348. Now, at this point,
I need to be alone with my client.Copy !req
349. Of course.
- So please, Ed?Copy !req
350. Could you take silly bollocks outside?Copy !req
351. - Ray?
- Yeah.Copy !req
352. Now then, time to get my tools out.Copy !req
353. - How's it going, Alan?
- Nearly there, son.Copy !req
354. Timber!Copy !req
355. My voice... is in my sword.Copy !req
356. Thou bloodier villain
than terms can give thee out!Copy !req
357. Come on, you fuck. Do the bloody thing.Copy !req
358. I can't, can I?Copy !req
359. - Come on, man!
I'm stuck to the pole.Copy !req
360. Bravo!Copy !req
361. Ha!Copy !req
362. Good reviews for the play, Toast.
Lots of praise for your pillar work.Copy !req
363. "Steven Toast's
brilliantly inventive Macbeth,Copy !req
364. clutching a pillar throughout.Copy !req
365. A clever metaphor for the burden of guilt
and paranoia carried by the character."Copy !req
366. - If only they knew.Copy !req
367. - Toast.
Well done again, Toast.Copy !req
368. Sorry about all that CIA nonsense.Copy !req
369. I must've got caught up
in all your paranoia.Copy !req
370. Very unlike me. Ciao for now.Copy !req
371. Ah.Copy !req
372. You must be Jane.Copy !req
373. Where's Toast?Copy !req
374. - Great stuff, thank you.
- My pleasure.Copy !req
375. - Do it again.
- Yeah, one more for the road.Copy !req
376. Go on then.Copy !req
377. My name is Steven Toast.Copy !req
378. And I saw Stanley Kubrick
direct the moon landings.Copy !req
379. - Oh, it's too good. Ciao.Copy !req