1. - Mumble, mumble, blah.
Really good, Steven.Copy !req
2. Right. OK, the bit where it says
"mumble, mumble,"Copy !req
3. am I meant to mumble something
in an incoherent mannerCopy !req
4. or am I meant to actually
say "mumble, mumble?"Copy !req
5. What'd you do in the last take?Copy !req
6. I said the words "mumble, mumble,"
but I mumbled them.Copy !req
7. Hi, Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?Copy !req
8. Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.Copy !req
9. We have to phone head office in New York
to get clarification.Copy !req
10. Oh, for God's sake.Copy !req
11. OK, bye.Copy !req
12. - Steven.
- Yeah?Copy !req
13. So the actual words are "mumble, mumble."Copy !req
14. You want me to say "mumble, mumble"
so it's obvious that's what I'm saying?Copy !req
15. That would be great.Copy !req
16. Mumble, mumble. Blah.Copy !req
17. It's ridiculous.Copy !req
18. What was that, Steven?Copy !req
19. I said I think it's ridiculous!
What the fuck is this for?Copy !req
20. Steven, we're gonna phone New York again.Copy !req
21. You're kidding?Copy !req
22. Um, Steven? Seems to be a bit of
a disagreement about how to play this.Copy !req
23. - Yeah, I should say so.
- We've a differing opinion from New York.Copy !req
24. OK, well in future, why don't you speak
to New York,Copy !req
25. find out exactly what they want from you?Copy !req
26. Otherwise, you're just
completely wasting my time!Copy !req
27. Yeah, sorry. I'm sorry, Steven.Copy !req
28. Bloody waste of time.Copy !req
29. That's the best one yet.
- Yes!Copy !req
30. The best one yet.Copy !req
31. I've forgotten my pencil.Copy !req
32. What were you laughing at?Copy !req
33. Just recording some laughter
for a radio play.Copy !req
34. Record that.Copy !req
35. It's all done at high pressure,
it's very intense,Copy !req
36. and highly controversial.Copy !req
37. I suggested once to an old girlfriend
that we try doing that.Copy !req
38. I thought she'd be up
for absolutely anythingCopy !req
39. because she'd been in Tipping the Velvet
with Anna Chancellor.Copy !req
40. But when we got into the bedroom,Copy !req
41. her tastes proved
to be disappointingly conventional.Copy !req
42. No, I was talking about fracking.Copy !req
43. - What?
- Fracking.Copy !req
44. Induced hydraulic fracturing,
or hydro-fracturing.Copy !req
45. - Commonly known as fracking.
- Oh.Copy !req
46. You seemed to think it was something
quite different.Copy !req
47. I must've misheard you, Toast.Copy !req
48. Oh. Are these your crisps?Copy !req
49. Who's this prick?Copy !req
50. "Old Style Country Farm CrispsCopy !req
51. have been manufactured on
our family farm in Devon for 200 years."Copy !req
52. As if!Copy !req
53. Sterling Porrich is the prat's name.Copy !req
54. I didn't think they had crisps
200 years ago.Copy !req
55. - They didn't, Ed, it's all bullshit.
- It's not very subtle or subliminal.Copy !req
56. No one has any time these days
for anything subtle or subliminal.Copy !req
57. It's the new thing. Big cheese determined
to associate himself with his product.Copy !req
58. Gives us a cock-and-bull history
of his lifeCopy !req
59. and sticks his own mugshot on the packet.
He's going out with your ex-wife.Copy !req
60. - What did you say, Ed?
- Hm?Copy !req
61. You slipped something on the end
of that last sentenceCopy !req
62. which wasn't connected
to the point you were making.Copy !req
63. I was trying to break it to you gently,
Toast, in a subliminal fashion,Copy !req
64. in case you might take it badly.Copy !req
65. What the hell are you talking about?Copy !req
66. Your ex-wife, Ellen, is going out
with a Devon crisp manufacturerCopy !req
67. called Sterling Porrich.Copy !req
68. I presume it's the same chap.Copy !req
69. - How the hell do you know that?
- Social diary in The Standard.Copy !req
70. They were at Silverstone together.Copy !req
71. I tell you, this crisp fellow,
must be super, super rich.Copy !req
72. Super, super rich.Copy !req
73. Super, super, super, super...Copy !req
74. - All right, Ed!Copy !req
75. - Hello?
- Yes, Toast, please.Copy !req
76. It's for you, Toast.Copy !req
77. - Jane?
- I've just negotiated somethingCopy !req
78. rather marvelous for you, that I
guarantee is going to blow your socks off.Copy !req
79. Well, that's great news.
I'll be there as quickly as I can.Copy !req
80. It's terribly irritating
you've lost your phone, Toast.Copy !req
81. What if a job came up
or a nuclear war or something?Copy !req
82. I wouldn't know where you were.Copy !req
83. What's this job
that's gonna blow my socks off?Copy !req
84. Anyway, you're in luck, re: phone.Copy !req
85. Those nice people at 023...
Do you remember?Copy !req
86. You did a voiceover for them last month.Copy !req
87. Total cunts. What's this job
that's gonna blow my socks off?Copy !req
88. They've given you a little bonus gift
because they were so pleased with you.Copy !req
89. The 023E17.Copy !req
90. Perfect sound, amazing signal,
no matter where you are.Copy !req
91. You could use it on the moon
if you have to.Copy !req
92. What's this job
that's gonna blow my socks off!Copy !req
93. Even has, look at this...
a mini fire extinguisher.Copy !req
94. Bloody hell.Copy !req
95. - And a tiny oxygen mask.Copy !req
96. That's ridiculous.Copy !req
97. What possible circumstance
would that be of any use to anyone?Copy !req
98. What's this job
that's gonna blow my socks off?Copy !req
99. You don't have to use them! Shush!Copy !req
100. You can take it.Copy !req
101. I've got some super, super news for you.Copy !req
102. Have you ever wanted to star
in a major Hollywood film?Copy !req
103. Is Ray Purchase
the biggest bell-end in London?Copy !req
104. Well, of course
I wanna be in a Hollywood film!Copy !req
105. Well, now's your chance.
And when I tell you who your co-star is,Copy !req
106. you're going to fall off your chair.Copy !req
107. I haven't told you yet, Toast.Copy !req
108. Sorry, Jane. Who is it?
Is it Daniel Day-Lewis?Copy !req
109. No, Daniel's given up acting
to build shoes again.Copy !req
110. Again? What an idiot.
Well, who is it then?Copy !req
111. Max Gland.Copy !req
112. Bloody hell! Well, I know who he is.Copy !req
113. Yes! Even you, who has
the tiresome characteristicCopy !req
114. of saying you've never heard of anyone,
knows who Max Gland is.Copy !req
115. He's over here shooting a movie.
He wants you to be in it.Copy !req
116. What, he's asked for me personally?
He's aware of my work?Copy !req
117. Of course. He selected you speciallyCopy !req
118. from the pages
of the Spotlight Actors Directory.Copy !req
119. There are literally a million actors
in Spotlight.Copy !req
120. He didn't just flick through it randomly
and stop where his finger came to rest.Copy !req
121. He chose you.Copy !req
122. OK.Copy !req
123. There are a few minor stipulations
about working with Max Gland.Copy !req
124. Very minor. Umm...
You're not allowed to look at him,Copy !req
125. talk to him, mention his nameCopy !req
126. or eat or drink within two miles of him.Copy !req
127. Doesn't sound too unlike my last marriage!Copy !req
128. It won't be a problem,Copy !req
129. or at least a problem
that two million pounds won't fix.Copy !req
130. Two million?Copy !req
131. I'm going to ask them for two million!Copy !req
132. They're loaded. Hurrah for Hollywood!Copy !req
133. When is it?Copy !req
134. - Tuesday.
- Shit! I've got a voiceover on Tuesday.Copy !req
135. They want you in the morning,
voiceover in the afternoon.Copy !req
136. Tickety-boo, my money's on you.Copy !req
137. They'll probably send you a limousine.Copy !req
138. Brilliant.Copy !req
139. - Hi, you're Steven?
- Steven Toast.Copy !req
140. - Is the director around?
- I'm Lindy Makehouse.Copy !req
141. I'm the third assistant director. OK?Copy !req
142. Here's the casket. Climb in, buddy.Copy !req
143. - What?
- You wanna climb into the casket?Copy !req
144. - Why?Copy !req
145. Yeah, the guy's here. Yeah?Copy !req
146. Yeah, just get him into the casket, OK.Copy !req
147. - Just climb into the casket, dude!Copy !req
148. Oh, and you'll need this wig.Copy !req
149. - Why do I need this?
- Max thought you should wear it.Copy !req
150. Shouldn't I go to costume
or makeup or something?Copy !req
151. You just need the wig.Copy !req
152. We'll be on long shot,
so we wont see much of your face.Copy !req
153. If you could just pop it on.Copy !req
154. OK.Copy !req
155. Well, does Max dig me up?Copy !req
156. Will I get rescued or something?Copy !req
157. You ask a hell of a lot of questions!Copy !req
158. I haven't even seen a script.Copy !req
159. Max doesn't like the other actors
seeing the script.Copy !req
160. - I've no idea what my character is.
- Max doesn't like the other actorsCopy !req
161. - knowing anything about their characters.Copy !req
162. Yes, Roger, I just saw him run past.Copy !req
163. - That's Max Gland, isn't it?
- Please don't look at him or say his name.Copy !req
164. Hey, you!Copy !req
165. Don't look up. Just say yes.Copy !req
166. - Yes?
- Get me a dog.Copy !req
167. - Steven, Max wants you to get him a dog.
- What the fuck are you talking about?Copy !req
168. Max has been having
a bit of a tough time recently.Copy !req
169. What, he wants me to get him a dog?
Well, why don't you do it?Copy !req
170. Well, Max wants you to do it.
It's a good sign. It means he likes you.Copy !req
171. - How?
- I don't know. Just borrow one.Copy !req
172. OK?Copy !req
173. Fuck's sake.Copy !req
174. There's one! Pull over, man.Copy !req
175. Where's the dog?Copy !req
176. How long will I be in here?Copy !req
177. - Oh, not long!
- Well, how long exactly?Copy !req
178. I can't clarify that
until everyone's back from lunch. OK?Copy !req
179. Oh, God!Copy !req
180. - Yes, I'll tell him.
- Hey there, little pal.Copy !req
181. - How's it going?
- Max, we need you back on set.Copy !req
182. And Roger says
you have to give the dog back.Copy !req
183. Did you say something?Copy !req
184. Roger needs you on set and he says
you have to stop playing with the dog.Copy !req
185. No, I'm gonna play with this dog
and if you don't let me do that,Copy !req
186. I'm gonna shoot the dog,
then shoot myself in the head.Copy !req
187. - Roger says—
- You think I'm jerking around?Copy !req
188. Roger, hi.
Just an update on the Max situation...Copy !req
189. I say, when will I be dug up?Copy !req
190. Wow.Copy !req
191. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
192. What...Copy !req
193. Jesus!Copy !req
194. Fuck's sake!Copy !req
195. Hello?Copy !req
196. Jane, I've been buried alive.Copy !req
197. What's that, Toast? I can't hear you.
The music's quite loud here.Copy !req
198. I've been buried alive!Copy !req
199. What? Well, how can that happen?
I thought you were on that film.Copy !req
200. I am. I've been here for three hours.Copy !req
201. Something must have gone wrong
above ground.Copy !req
202. I'm not back in the office until tomorrow.
Can it wait until then?Copy !req
203. I don't really wanna spend the night
buried alive underground, Jane!Copy !req
204. Well, I'm sure someone will come along
and dig you up shortly.Copy !req
205. Give it another hour or two.Copy !req
206. I'm not gonna give it an hour or two,
Jane. I'm buried alive!Copy !req
207. - My turn!Copy !req
208. Unbelievable.Copy !req
209. - There she is.Copy !req
210. This is Ed Howzer-Black.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
211. Please contact my agent.Copy !req
212. Fuck you, Ed! I'm buried alive!Copy !req
213. - What?Copy !req
214. "I love you. Ellen."Copy !req
215. What, Ellen as in my ex-wife?Copy !req
216. But I haven't heard
from her in ages.Copy !req
217. Ellen, she still loves me.Copy !req
218. Oh, Ellen.Copy !req
219. It was my wifeCopy !req
220. who suggested we hold the wedding
in this beautiful country of ThailandCopy !req
221. rather than my initial idea
of Putney Registry Office.Copy !req
222. My parents and brother
couldn't afford to be here.Copy !req
223. Oh, they would have enjoyed this occasion.Copy !req
224. Especially my father, who I know would've
taken full advantage of the free bar.Copy !req
225. I mean, what alcoholic wouldn't
take advantage of a free bar?Copy !req
226. Yes, um...Copy !req
227. Hey, you're Clem Fandango aren't you?Copy !req
228. Yes, I'm Clem Fandango.Copy !req
229. I'm Ellen. I'm getting married to Toast,
here on the beach.Copy !req
230. - Not Steven Toast?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
231. I assume you're not invited.
He fucking hates you.Copy !req
232. No. It's a total coincidence I'm here.Copy !req
233. Ah. Would you like a drink?Copy !req
234. Like any actor, I've suffered setbacks.Copy !req
235. Many, many, many people
have fucked me over.Copy !req
236. Bear with me.Copy !req
237. Tom Conti.Copy !req
238. Tim Pigott-Smith.Copy !req
239. Colin Firth, oh yes.Copy !req
240. Hugh Bonneville.Copy !req
241. Nigel Havers. Michael Fassbender.Copy !req
242. - Patrick Stewart.Copy !req
243. Chaz and Dave.Copy !req
244. - Charles Dance.Copy !req
245. The staff at TV-am.Copy !req
246. - Trevor Eve.Copy !req
247. Noel Edmonds. Martin Shaw.Copy !req
248. Every man-jack of them!Copy !req
249. But on this glorious day,Copy !req
250. on the beach front, surrounded by friends
and my beautifulCopy !req
251. almost "virginial" wife,Copy !req
252. I really think things are looking up
for Steven Toast.Copy !req
253. Toast!Copy !req
254. Oh, Ellen. Lovely, lovely Ellen.Copy !req
255. Even a tsunami on our wedding day
couldn't destroy our love.Copy !req
256. Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?Copy !req
257. Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.Copy !req
258. Even though I'm buried alive
in a fucking coffin!Copy !req
259. What's that, Steven?Copy !req
260. I'm in a coffin
which is buried underground!Copy !req
261. He says he's in a coffin
which is buried underground.Copy !req
262. Steven? Expecting you in for a voiceover.
I've got Sterling the client here.Copy !req
263. Clem says you're buried
in a coffin underground.Copy !req
264. - That's right.
- It's a clear line.Copy !req
265. You don't sound like you're buried.Copy !req
266. I'm buried underground all right.Copy !req
267. You using the new 023E17?
I've got one of those. They're mega.Copy !req
268. Who gives a shit?Copy !req
269. You'll probably be all right
to do the voice-over from there.Copy !req
270. I'm just gonna put you on speakerphone.Copy !req
271. There. Do you have the script?Copy !req
272. It shouldn't take too long.
I've got a rehearsal.Copy !req
273. I'm one of the torch relay carriers
for the Commonwealth Games.Copy !req
274. The Commonwealth Games?
Who gives a monkey's about that?Copy !req
275. Do you have script, Steven?Copy !req
276. I've got Sterling the client here.Copy !req
277. We're old mates actually.
He just wants a few words before we begin.Copy !req
278. All I need you to do is
say exactly what it says in the scripts.Copy !req
279. Don't mess with it
or change any of the words.Copy !req
280. And I'm not too fucking impressed
that you're buried in a coffinCopy !req
281. instead of being here.Copy !req
282. Is there anything wrong with your voice?
You sound like a robot.Copy !req
283. There's nothing wrong
with my fucking voice, matey-boy.Copy !req
284. Just do your job.
That's what you're getting paid for.Copy !req
285. All right!Copy !req
286. Good God.Copy !req
287. "Old Style Country Farm Crisps have been
manufactured on our family farm in DevonCopy !req
288. using techniques dating back 200 years."Copy !req
289. - Are you putting on an accent?
- No.Copy !req
290. You'd better not be putting on
some country bumpkin accent.Copy !req
291. Just because I'm from Devon doesn't mean
I'm a member of the fucking Wurzels.Copy !req
292. - No, I wasn't—
- Stop interrupting.Copy !req
293. - Just do your job, you cunt.
- I was just—Copy !req
294. Just read what it says on the script.Copy !req
295. "Only..."
- Come on.Copy !req
296. - "Only the finest quality crisps...
- Just read what it says on the script.Copy !req
297. I'm running out of oxygen.Copy !req
298. I'm in a coffin. Give me a second.Copy !req
299. How you doing there, Steven?Copy !req
300. I'm all right.
I've just used a tiny oxygen mask.Copy !req
301. - That's great. Shall we crack on?
All right.Copy !req
302. "Only the finest quality potatoes
are chosen.Copy !req
303. That's why Porrich—"Copy !req
304. Hold on a second. You're that prick
that's been fucking my ex-wife Ellen.Copy !req
305. - No, I didn't.
- Not you, Clem Fandango.Copy !req
306. Porrich.Copy !req
307. - That's funny. She never mentioned you.
She still loves me.Copy !req
308. She's just sent me a text.Copy !req
309. Well, she never mentioned you to me.
Not even once.Copy !req
310. That went really well.Copy !req
311. Um, all very happy with that,
so I think we are done.Copy !req
312. - We will see you again soon, yeah?
- I've been buried alive!Copy !req
313. Can you call the fire brigade or someone?Copy !req
314. - Yep, thank you, Steven.
- I'm buried alive!Copy !req
315. Thank you, Steven.Copy !req
316. And I'm going to marry Ellen next week.Copy !req
317. Over my dead body.
I've gotta get out of here.Copy !req
318. I'll phone the emergency services myself.Copy !req
319. Oh, no!Copy !req
320. 9... 9...Copy !req
321. Mustn't scream. Must preserve oxygen.Copy !req
322. But I can't breathe. I can't breathe!Copy !req
323. What the...Copy !req
324. I'm saved! I'm saved!Copy !req
325. Steven.Copy !req
326. Managed to get out then,
from being buried alive in that coffin.Copy !req
327. I was saved.Copy !req
328. Due to fracking on the exact spot.
Where's Sterling Porrich?Copy !req
329. I'm Porrich.
What the fuck's it got to do with you?Copy !req
330. He looks nothing
like the man on the crisp packets.Copy !req
331. Oh, I'm him, all right.Copy !req
332. And I'm getting married to Ellen.
So screw you.Copy !req
333. Really? Give me that bat.Copy !req
334. Ouch.Copy !req
335. What's up, Steven?Copy !req
336. It's from Ellen.Copy !req
337. "Soz, but that last message
was meant for someone else."Copy !req
338. She probably meant to send it to Sterling.Copy !req
339. Probably, yeah.Copy !req
340. Excuse that.Copy !req
341. It's not even him, you know.Copy !req
342. It's some other farmer.Copy !req
343. Still, good news about the fracking, eh?
Very lucky.Copy !req
344. Damn lucky. They started drilling at six
in the morning to avoid the protestors.Copy !req
345. And the doctor reckoned I only had another
ten seconds' worth of oxygen left!Copy !req
346. Ten seconds?
That's cutting it pretty fine.Copy !req
347. So, Porrich is still going to marry Ellen,
I presume?Copy !req
348. Once he's recovered from his injuries.Copy !req
349. This is a big blow for me, Ed.Copy !req
350. It's gonna take me a while to get over it.Copy !req
351. [Ed] It's been two months now, Toast!Copy !req
352. God, I hate Sterling Porrich.Copy !req
353. You're just gonna have to get over it.Copy !req
354. Yeah, I suppose you're right, Ed.Copy !req
355. You're only feeling bad
because you gave a man in a wheelchairCopy !req
356. a severe thrashing with a baseball bat.Copy !req
357. I don't regret that, Ed.Copy !req
358. Any man in my position
would've done the same.Copy !req
359. I just can't stomach the fact
that he's still going to marry Ellen.Copy !req
360. Look, Toast.Copy !req
361. You've got to get out
into the world again.Copy !req
362. Think positive.Copy !req
363. Do something useful.Copy !req
364. Now, what could you do?Copy !req
365. Well, actually, there is something else
that's been playing on my mind.Copy !req
366. What?Copy !req
367. I did a great wrong
that I'd like to put right.Copy !req
368. Sorry...Copy !req
369. This is for you.Copy !req
370. Your dog was shot, I'm afraid.Copy !req
371. All right.Copy !req