1. But you promised me, Jane.Copy !req
2. You said I would definitely get the role.
You said I was an absolute shoo-in.Copy !req
3. I know, Toast.
That's what they said to me, too,Copy !req
4. and then Bruce Willis expresses an
interest and it's a whole new ballgame.Copy !req
5. Well, this is very embarrassing for me.Copy !req
6. Having to go around looking like a tit!Copy !req
7. Can't you sue them or something?Copy !req
8. Unfortunately not,
because there was nothing in writing,Copy !req
9. but I'm gonna make
one very angry phone call!Copy !req
10. I mean, I won't be able to go out
for six months!Copy !req
11. No, that is defeatism, Toast.
You can still do voiceovers.Copy !req
12. In fact, I have you down for one
this afternoon.Copy !req
13. Oh, those fuckers are gonna love this.Copy !req
14. Nice outwear, dude.Copy !req
15. - You what?
- Cool jacket, Steven.Copy !req
16. Haven't seen one like that
in a long while.Copy !req
17. - What is that, vintage?
- No, it isn't bloody vintage.Copy !req
18. - I got it from Cliftons in St James's.
- Fancy.Copy !req
19. It is fancy.
You won't find one of these in OxfamCopy !req
20. or wherever it is
you pick up those clown outfits from.Copy !req
21. - Cool.
Yeah.Copy !req
22. Alright, let's get on. What are we doing?Copy !req
23. Medical doc, operation blow by blow.
It's pretty squeamish stuff.Copy !req
24. Squeamish? Poppycock!Copy !req
25. They've just sent through the footage.Copy !req
26. Oh Jesus! That's not nice!Copy !req
27. It's nothing I won't have seen before.
Let's just get on.Copy !req
28. Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?Copy !req
29. - Come on then, Plato, enlighten me.
- The footage is quite full on.Copy !req
30. If you'd rather record it wild,
without picture, it's totally do-able.Copy !req
31. - Yeah.
- No! I'll do it to picture. Run the tape.Copy !req
32. OK, comin' at you, big guy.Copy !req
33. Head injuries are possibly
the most critical and serious injuryCopy !req
34. a qualified surgeon
will ever have to attend to.Copy !req
35. A specially designed tool,
not unlike a workman's masonry drill,Copy !req
36. is lowered onto the mark,
ready to cut through the skull.Copy !req
37. Oh!Copy !req
38. The brain is now visible.Copy !req
39. Is everything alright, Steven?Copy !req
40. Hope you haven't got sick
all over your nice new coat.Copy !req
41. The wind machine was going at full tilt.Copy !req
42. Everyone else had been blown off the
bloody deck, but I held my ground, Toast,Copy !req
43. and I delivered my speech in one take.Copy !req
44. I have to hand it to you, Axel,Copy !req
45. I don't think
there's a finer actor in the countryCopy !req
46. when it comes to performing in high winds.Copy !req
47. Well, when playing ships' captains
and mad kings,Copy !req
48. performing in gales and storms
comes very much with the territory.Copy !req
49. Wind machines, rain machines,Copy !req
50. thunder and lightning machines,
sleet machines—Copy !req
51. Tell me something,
when you're performing in high winds,Copy !req
52. are you tethered to a mast in some way?Copy !req
53. No, no, no.
The public would notice that immediately.Copy !req
54. It's all to do with technique.Copy !req
55. I look full on, but I usually stand
at a very, very slight angle.Copy !req
56. - Well, even Olivier used a safety harness.
- Yes.Copy !req
57. Nice fellow.
Used to be in the same lodge.Copy !req
58. I must invite you to a meeting.Copy !req
59. I'm guessing you're, uh,
on the square?Copy !req
60. What square?Copy !req
61. I wouldn't work with an actor
who wasn't in the Masons.Copy !req
62. Oh, the Masons! Oh, yes.Copy !req
63. Yes, of course. Uh...Copy !req
64. So, what's this production
that you're working on?Copy !req
65. TV adaptation of that
Master and Commander film.Copy !req
66. Nice!
- Hm.Copy !req
67. They're promising me
an absolute howling gale.Copy !req
68. You know, Toast,
I've heard it said that you, after me,Copy !req
69. are the best high winds actor in Britain.Copy !req
70. I mean, I'm good,
but I don't think I'm in your league.Copy !req
71. True, but if anything should happen to me,Copy !req
72. you might find yourself
getting a few more job offers.Copy !req
73. No, I think your position will be
quite secure for some years to come.Copy !req
74. Cheers.Copy !req
75. I was just talking to Axel Jacklin
in The Colonial Club.Copy !req
76. - Apparently he's a Mason.
- I see.Copy !req
77. You're not, uh, on the square, are you?Copy !req
78. Well, yes. Most actors are.Copy !req
79. Well, I'm not.
I always found it quite ridiculous.Copy !req
80. With the silly handshakes and pulling up
your trouser leg to the judge.Copy !req
81. Don't knock it, Toast.Copy !req
82. Many men have escaped
from a perilous situationCopy !req
83. by performing just such a ritual.Copy !req
84. I remember once I played a Bond girl
when I was in Octopussy.Copy !req
85. You played a Bond girl?Copy !req
86. Yes, at tennis.
During a break at Pinewood.Copy !req
87. Maude Adams.
She wanted to play the full three sets.Copy !req
88. Cubby Broccoli came over and said,
"No, you only have to play one."Copy !req
89. He knew I was a Mason, you see.Copy !req
90. We performed the ritual
and I had the rest of the afternoon off.Copy !req
91. What the hell are you talking about?Copy !req
92. Mind if I watch the midday news?Copy !req
93. Axel Jacklin was well known
for his many roles in costume dramas.Copy !req
94. - No!
- His agent, Jane PloughCopy !req
95. - said it was a terrible tragedy.
- It's a terrible...Copy !req
96. tragedy,
but it's common knowledge that after Axel,Copy !req
97. you are the best high winds actor
in Britain.Copy !req
98. So, I've been onto
the Master and Commander chapsCopy !req
99. and I've persuaded them that you
are the best actor to take over the role.Copy !req
100. Well, you've certainly moved fast, Jane.
Axel's only been dead 46 minutes.Copy !req
101. There's no room for sentiment
in this game, Toast.Copy !req
102. And another thing,
I presume you're in the Masons.Copy !req
103. Well, you'd better join up if you're not,
because the producer, Parker Pipe,Copy !req
104. is very keen on using only Masonic actors.Copy !req
105. What's up, Toast? Sad about Axel?Copy !req
106. - Mm, yeah.
- Mm, yes.Copy !req
107. People die all the time though,
don't they?Copy !req
108. Actors, prime ministers, kings, queens.Copy !req
109. Everybody's just passing through.Copy !req
110. The list of people who've died
is as long as my arms.Copy !req
111. And I have unnaturally long arms.Copy !req
112. Imagine if all the actors who were dead
were alive.Copy !req
113. There'd be no jobs
for the younger actors at all.Copy !req
114. Are you all right?
Jane?Copy !req
115. No. We have to strike
while the iron is hot.Copy !req
116. Stay where you are, Toast.Copy !req
117. Are you all right, Jane?
You're behaving very, very queerly.Copy !req
118. Just stay where you are.
The bats are back.Copy !req
119. Let me get my special swat.Copy !req
120. What special swat?Copy !req
121. - Bloody bats!Copy !req
122. - I'll get help...
- I hate you!Copy !req
123. Bloody bats! I hate bats!Copy !req
124. - Hello, this is Esther Rantzen.Copy !req
125. May I order a takeaway?Copy !req
126. - Toast.
- Davison.Copy !req
127. Have you been to see Jane?Copy !req
128. What the hell is going on up there?
Should I get a doctor?Copy !req
129. - Was it... the bats?
- She did mention bats.Copy !req
130. - I thought so. I'd better get go up.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. It is a bit alarming.Copy !req
131. The truth is, Toast, she's um...Copy !req
132. - back on the acid.
- Ah. Well, that would explain it.Copy !req
133. She was definitely having
some kind of bad bat trip.Copy !req
134. - How long's she been back on the acid?
- A week. Her timing is appalling.Copy !req
135. You know there's a surprise party for her
at The Colonial tomorrow?Copy !req
136. Celebrating 40 years as an agent.Copy !req
137. Jane really needs her friends now.
We all have to rally round.Copy !req
138. Sorry, Davison,
I need to ask you something.Copy !req
139. What?Copy !req
140. Are you a Mason?Copy !req
141. Of course, yes.
- Yes.Copy !req
142. Jane?Copy !req
143. Jane! Jane! Jane!
Bats!Copy !req
144. Steven.Copy !req
145. I'm Parker Pipe, the producer.
Nice to meet you.Copy !req
146. - This is Chloe Hammerslag, my assistant.
Hello.Copy !req
147. You knew Axel?Copy !req
148. Very well indeed. Old friends.Copy !req
149. It's such a tragedy.
His very first day on set.Copy !req
150. Yeah. He was just blown away, I believe.Copy !req
151. Yes, yes. His luck finally ran out.Copy !req
152. Lost his footing and just blown away.Copy !req
153. Hit the back wall of the set
at 70 miles an hour.Copy !req
154. He told me he never wore a harness.Copy !req
155. He never did.
Put authenticity above everything.Copy !req
156. But the show must go on, as they say.Copy !req
157. And Jane thoroughly recommended you.
How is Jane?Copy !req
158. - She's back on the acid.
- Oh, dear.Copy !req
159. Anyway, I've got a script here.Copy !req
160. By the way, Toast.
I presume you are um...Copy !req
161. Oh, uh... Oh, yes.
Fully paid up and committed member.Copy !req
162. OK.Copy !req
163. - Thanks, Camilla.Copy !req
164. Parker...Copy !req
165. Toast.Copy !req
166. Ray bloody Purchase.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
167. Do you two know each other?Copy !req
168. We thought you could
play the scene together,Copy !req
169. - if that's OK?
God.Copy !req
170. I didn't know you were up for this.Copy !req
171. I didn't know you were up for this either.Copy !req
172. - You're not a Mason.
- Yes, I am.Copy !req
173. - Oh, yes, he is.
- What?Copy !req
174. Uh, there's one thing
we'd just like to try out.Copy !req
175. Chloe, could you...?Copy !req
176. Steven, Ray, would you mind standing
in front of the machine?Copy !req
177. - Of course.
- Alright, if I must.Copy !req
178. That would be great.Copy !req
179. Uh, I don't need a script, Parker,
I've learnt it.Copy !req
180. We're going to start on a three settingCopy !req
181. and then gradually bring it up to...
oh... ten.Copy !req
182. In your own time!Copy !req
183. "Three days out of port, Captain.Copy !req
184. When do you think
the Frenchies will show themselves?"Copy !req
185. "Soon enough, Chief Surgeon.Copy !req
186. But fear not.
The wind may blow and storms may rage.Copy !req
187. England will never fail."Copy !req
188. "Aye aye, Captain.Copy !req
189. - Though it is a stiff south westerly."Copy !req
190. "Our destiny is
to see us through the battle."Copy !req
191. - "Sweet victory shall be..."Copy !req
192. - "Shall be..."Copy !req
193. OK, OK. Turn off the wind, Chloe.Copy !req
194. Steven, you stood on your feet.
That's fantastic.Copy !req
195. I'm so impressed,Copy !req
196. I think I'm gonna promote you
to the lead role of the captain now...Copy !req
197. - ... and demote Ray to chief surgeon.Copy !req
198. Well, that'd be great!Copy !req
199. Ray Purchase is a top class high winds
actor, but you are even better.Copy !req
200. The wind machine was up to nine!Copy !req
201. I mean, to manage nine at your first read,Copy !req
202. well, it's just super.Copy !req
203. Well, I was stood at a slight angle.Copy !req
204. It's a tip from Axel Jacklin.Copy !req
205. Yes, poor, poor Axel.Copy !req
206. Ed, I need to become a Mason, immediately.Copy !req
207. Can you pull some strings?Copy !req
208. - Who are you trying to impress?
- Parker Pipe.Copy !req
209. - The producer?
- The very same.Copy !req
210. Oh, he's very high up. Partakes in
some of the more exotic Masonic rituals.Copy !req
211. I couldn't give rat shit.
Could you get me in?Copy !req
212. I think I know someone
who may be able to help you.Copy !req
213. - Really? Who?
- The thing is, he's an East Ender.Copy !req
214. You'll have to travel into
the East End to meet him.Copy !req
215. Who is the cockney cheap-jack?Copy !req
216. Fellow by the name of Basil Jet.Copy !req
217. I've got his number and address.
He may be able to fast track you.Copy !req
218. - Fabulous.
- It'll cost you.Copy !req
219. How much?Copy !req
220. - Twenty-seven pounds, 50 pence.
- Well, that's not too bad.Copy !req
221. For goodness' sake,
keep my name out of it.Copy !req
222. Alright, Ed.Copy !req
223. The East End, you say.
I wonder what it's like these days.Copy !req
224. Thanks, cabbie. Keep the change.Copy !req
225. Thanking you, sir.
You tight fuck, ya...Copy !req
226. - Bugger off. Oof...
Psst!Copy !req
227. Follow me, love.
I can suck the Thames dry.Copy !req
228. Is that you, Mrs. Purchase?Copy !req
229. Toast, what are you doing here?Copy !req
230. You in the East End.Copy !req
231. I'm looking for a chap called Basil Jet.Copy !req
232. That's his shop two doors down.Copy !req
233. I must say,
you're full of surprises Mrs. Purchase.Copy !req
234. Shh, stop saying my name.Copy !req
235. Oh yes, of course.Copy !req
236. Officer.Copy !req
237. Who is it?
What do you want?Copy !req
238. My name's Toast.
I want to be a Mason, today.Copy !req
239. You can't become a Mason just like that.Copy !req
240. Ed Howzer-Black said I could join.Copy !req
241. Oh right, yeah. You got the money?Copy !req
242. Yes. Twenty-seven pounds and 50 pence.Copy !req
243. I'm a little bit busy today
to do the paperwork.Copy !req
244. So you'll have to use the app.Copy !req
245. An app? What, there's an app you can use
to join the Masons?Copy !req
246. Wow! What's an app?Copy !req
247. You ask Ed. He'll tell ya.Copy !req
248. You download the app
and I'll text ya the password.Copy !req
249. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
When do I get initiated?Copy !req
250. I'll let you know all about it.
We'll have a ceremony.Copy !req
251. Bit of a booze-up, finger food.Copy !req
252. And you sir, you get a goody bag.Copy !req
253. - Yeah.
- Ooh. Great.Copy !req
254. - I say, what's a goody bag?Copy !req
255. Where is she?Copy !req
256. Ray!Copy !req
257. Oh, God. Not you again?Copy !req
258. Yes, it's me, Toast,
Ray fucking Purchase, again.Copy !req
259. What the hell were you talking about
at that audition? You're not a Mason.Copy !req
260. - Yes, I am.Copy !req
261. Jane should be here by now.
I'll try and track her down.Copy !req
262. - Yeah. Who else is here?
- Fotheringham's here.Copy !req
263. Last time I saw him,
he was being carted off to the BBC jail.Copy !req
264. Yeah, they let him out today.Copy !req
265. A lot of his types have been released
from the BBC jailCopy !req
266. in return for a reduction
in the license fee.Copy !req
267. Whoa.Copy !req
268. - Fotheringham.Copy !req
269. Didn't realize it was fancy dress.Copy !req
270. - It isn't.
- Ah.Copy !req
271. Toast.Copy !req
272. Don't tell anyone, but
we're having a surprise party for JaneCopy !req
273. at The Colonial Club.Copy !req
274. No, you are Jane.Copy !req
275. - What?
- We're here at The Colonial Club waiting.Copy !req
276. - Right?
- Yeah, well, get here as fast as you can!Copy !req
277. - Everything alright, Toast?
- Oh, fuck off!Copy !req
278. and I said, "What the hell is wrong?
Have I forgotten our wedding anniversary?"Copy !req
279. And she said,
"No, we're not actually married."Copy !req
280. What are you doing here, Blair?Copy !req
281. - How do you know each other?
- Oh, we know each other.Copy !req
282. Mason.Copy !req
283. - Oh!
- Shh!Copy !req
284. - What?Copy !req
285. Surprise!Copy !req
286. I'll just go and help her.Copy !req
287. Get everyone's attention, Toast.Copy !req
288. - She'll say a few words.
- Yeah.Copy !req
289. What's going on here?Copy !req
290. Just say a few words to welcome everybody.Copy !req
291. Fuck!Copy !req
292. Just...Copy !req
293. Forty years in the business
and it doesn't seem a day too long.Copy !req
294. When Ray Purchase told me there was
gonna be a surprise party for me,Copy !req
295. - I was of course very, very thrilled.Copy !req
296. So everybody just have
a wonderful, wonderful time.Copy !req
297. - Hear, hear!
- To Jane!Copy !req
298. Oh, how lovely! From Torville and Dean.Copy !req
299. Sorry if I've been
a bit out of it recently, Toast.Copy !req
300. Thank you for visiting me.Copy !req
301. I do hope you can stay for a while.
I'm a bit lonely here.Copy !req
302. Toast.Copy !req
303. Ah, very well.Copy !req
304. It's Parker Pipe. I've gotta go.Copy !req
305. Oh, don't leave me. You've just arrived!Copy !req
306. I get so lonely here
at the Mayfair House of Addiction.Copy !req
307. - Parker?Copy !req
308. Toast! So you've officially got the job.Copy !req
309. Welcome on board, Captain.Copy !req
310. This Freemasons lark is the bees knees.Copy !req
311. I thought we'd celebrate
with an impromptu orgy.Copy !req
312. I'll have a slice of this!Copy !req
313. - Oh, you fuck...Copy !req
314. Basil Jet... Is it now?Copy !req
315. Alright!Copy !req
316. I've gotta go, Pipe.Copy !req
317. Oh, well, what a shame.
Never mind. I'll see you on the set.Copy !req
318. You betcha. Ooh...Copy !req
319. Masons?Copy !req
320. It is my duty to nowCopy !req
321. begin tonight's initiation ceremony.Copy !req
322. - Is everything prepared for Junior Deacon?
- Aye, Grand Master.Copy !req
323. Will the head of ceremony please
place the under-brother unto the line?Copy !req
324. Shh! Mason.Copy !req
325. Remove his hood and step aside,
sword bearers.Copy !req
326. - You've got to be fucking kidding!Copy !req
327. Toast!
What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
328. Are you under-brother Steven Toast?Copy !req
329. - I am.
- Is this your doing, Ed?Copy !req
330. Well, he seemed very keen.
And he did pay his £27.50.Copy !req
331. I'm sure he did,
but come, on old chap—Copy !req
332. What the f...Copy !req
333. Right, you have one minute
starting from... now.Copy !req
334. There's a magnet.Copy !req
335. Um... an onion?Copy !req
336. Um, framed photograph
of Dan and Peter Snow.Copy !req
337. Very well.Copy !req
338. The secret initiation ceremony
shall now commence.Copy !req
339. I would slit my own throat,Copy !req
340. for in the eyes of God,
I am nothing but a fool and a beggar.Copy !req
341. I would slit my own throat,Copy !req
342. for in the eyes of God,
I am nothing but a fool and a beggar.Copy !req
343. The time has now come.Copy !req
344. Remove the brother's blindfold
that he may see the light.Copy !req
345. - Ha! I'm in! Yes!Copy !req
346. I am in.Copy !req
347. - Thunder and lightning!Copy !req
348. - Cannon fire!Copy !req
349. - Snow machine! And... action!Copy !req
350. What a battle it was.Copy !req
351. What a storm we endured.Copy !req
352. And victory came at a great price.Copy !req
353. Hold everything!Copy !req
354. What the fuck do you want,
Ray Purchase?Copy !req
355. What are you doing here, Ray? Cut!Copy !req
356. Kill the wind, Chloe!Copy !req
357. You may be interested to know, brother,
that your big star up thereCopy !req
358. only became a Mason to get this gig.Copy !req
359. He joined up last night.Copy !req
360. What? Is this true, Toast?Copy !req
361. What does it matter?Copy !req
362. Of course it matters!Copy !req
363. You have ridden roughshod
over ancient Masonic codes of practice!Copy !req
364. Roughshod.Copy !req
365. We'll recast immediately
with Ray as the captain.Copy !req
366. - Terrific!
- Come on down, Toast!Copy !req
367. I've just got up here!Copy !req
368. - Are you coming down or not?
- No!Copy !req
369. I still have my chief surgeon's
amputation saw, Parker, if you want...Copy !req
370. Get to work, brother.Copy !req
371. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
372. It's a long way up.Copy !req
373. Don't be stupid, Purchase!Copy !req
374. - Purchase!Copy !req
375. Many thanks, cabbie.
Keep the change.Copy !req
376. Thanking you, sir.
Ya tight fuck, ya.Copy !req
377. Mrs. Purchase.Copy !req
378. - Ooh, Toast. Here again?
- Yes, indeed.Copy !req
379. I was just in the area.Copy !req
380. Getting a refund for the 27.50
I paid to the Freemasons.Copy !req
381. I'm a little early. You're not...Copy !req
382. Come.Copy !req
383. Curb crawler ahead!Copy !req
384. - Shit, you're for it now, Toast!
- Don't you worry, Mrs. P.Copy !req
385. Nothing to see here, Officer.Copy !req
386. - Sorry brother, my mistake.
Yes.Copy !req
387. - Ooh!Copy !req