1. Evening, Steven.Copy !req
2. Lot to get through, yeah?Copy !req
3. How much? What the hell is this?Copy !req
4. Sat Nav for the elderly.
It's a new option they're offering.Copy !req
5. Sat Nav?Copy !req
6. Is that the client's name?
That sounds Indian.Copy !req
7. So, I'm guessing that's you?Copy !req
8. Not quite, Steven.Copy !req
9. Sat Nav is the brand name
of a voiced automated travel service.Copy !req
10. - You what?
- Audio travel information.Copy !req
11. As you can see, Steven, there's a lot
to get through. So let's crack on.Copy !req
12. Yeah? May be a long night.Copy !req
13. Hello, Steven.Copy !req
14. - This is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?
- Here we go.Copy !req
15. - Steven?
- Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango!Copy !req
16. There's over 700 pages in front of you.Copy !req
17. The sooner we start,
the sooner we can sign off.Copy !req
18. Well, stop talking then, you silly prick!Copy !req
19. God!Copy !req
20. - Are we rolling?
- All good, buddy.Copy !req
21. You are now turning into...Copy !req
22. Abbotsbury... Abingdon...Copy !req
23. Acton...Copy !req
24. Albrighton... Alcester...Copy !req
25. Alford... Almouth... Alnwick...Copy !req
26. Alston... Aylsham... Amersham...Copy !req
27. Andover...Copy !req
28. Accrington...Copy !req
29. Aylesham...Copy !req
30. Ashbourne...Copy !req
31. Ascot... Ashburton...Copy !req
32. Axminster...Copy !req
33. St. Albans...Copy !req
34. St. Leonards Warrior Square...Copy !req
35. St. Peter Port...Copy !req
36. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
37. St. Saviour...Copy !req
38. What the hell's the time? Fuck this.Copy !req
39. And you must be looking forward
to going back into the West End again.Copy !req
40. Yes. Uh, it's a legendary play. I mean,
there can't be many theater goersCopy !req
41. who haven't heard of The Moosetrap.Copy !req
42. How long has it been running?Copy !req
43. Sixty years.
And uh, still attracting huge audiences.Copy !req
44. That is such a long time.Copy !req
45. What do you think
is the secret to its success?Copy !req
46. Well, it's a good old-fashioned
murder mystery, really.Copy !req
47. - Right.
- It's well plotted.Copy !req
48. And the fact that the chauffeur
is the murdererCopy !req
49. is very cleverly concealed
from the audience,Copy !req
50. with a series of delicious red herrings.Copy !req
51. - The chauffeur did it?
- The chauffeur is the murderer, yes.Copy !req
52. Well, The Moosetrap's running
in the West End until forever really.Copy !req
53. So, do go along and you'll see
our special guest, Mr. Steven Toast.Copy !req
54. Thanks for coming in, Steven.
Well, thank you.Copy !req
55. And I hope I don't come across
as crude by saying this,Copy !req
56. but you really are sex on legs.Copy !req
57. You should be on the TV,
where more people can see you.Copy !req
58. I don't suppose you fancy going
for a drink, do you? Hm?Copy !req
59. Had a hell of a morning, Jane.Copy !req
60. I was up all night doing that voiceover.Copy !req
61. Then I went and did the radio interview.
I was quite pleased with myself.Copy !req
62. And then, I went to The Colonial ClubCopy !req
63. and, for some reason,
nobody would talk to me.Copy !req
64. I was up most of the night too, Toast,Copy !req
65. cleaning this collection
of antique firearms.Copy !req
66. Yeah, what the hell is it with all that?
Where did you get them from?Copy !req
67. Michael Winner loaned them to me.Copy !req
68. Kind of stuck with them now,
since he's dead.Copy !req
69. And then this morning,
I heard your interview.Copy !req
70. You know that play's
been running for... 60 years?Copy !req
71. - Yes.
- And in all that time, no one,Copy !req
72. not one single person,
has revealed the climax of the playCopy !req
73. where the murderer is unmasked.Copy !req
74. Yes.Copy !req
75. But today, live on Woman's Hour,
you revealed the name of the murderer.Copy !req
76. Yes.Copy !req
77. You see what you've done, Toast.Copy !req
78. Yes.Copy !req
79. Think of the implications for a moment.Copy !req
80. - Yes.
- Well?Copy !req
81. Oh, God.Copy !req
82. What are the implications?Copy !req
83. The implications are that,
as a result of your actions this morning,Copy !req
84. no director, or actor for that matter,
will ever want anything to do with you.Copy !req
85. Well, that's why people weren't talking
to me in The Colonial Club earlier.Copy !req
86. Anyone see Mark Rylance
on The Culture Show last night?Copy !req
87. - What's that smell, Royce? It's dreadful.
- Smell, Purchase?Copy !req
88. Yes. It smells like someone's
just fucked up their career!Copy !req
89. You were being shunned, Toast.Copy !req
90. - Shunned?
- Yes.Copy !req
91. You've done something really dreadful,
by giving away the end of that play.Copy !req
92. The Colonial is an actors' club.
They were quite right to shun you.Copy !req
93. It's not nice being shunned.Copy !req
94. Luckily, shunning doesn't last long.
You can go back in a couple of days.Copy !req
95. But, anyone who wanted to see
that Moosetrap play,Copy !req
96. probably won't bother now,
because you told them who the murderer is.Copy !req
97. No, no, Jane. It's like that Titanic film.Copy !req
98. Everyone knew
what was gonna happen in the end,Copy !req
99. but it was still a tremendous hit.Copy !req
100. This is very different, Toast.Copy !req
101. Honestly, Jane, I don't think anybody's
going to agree with you about this.Copy !req
102. It's like that Titanic film.Copy !req
103. Everyone knew
what was gonna happen in the end,Copy !req
104. - but it was still a tremendous hit.
- This is very different, Toast.Copy !req
105. Honestly, Davison, I don't think anybody's
going to agree with you about this.Copy !req
106. It's like that Titanic film.Copy !req
107. Everyone knew
what was gonna happen in the end,Copy !req
108. but it was still a tremendous hit.Copy !req
109. This is very different, Toast. Oh!Copy !req
110. Honestly, Mrs. P, I don't think anybody's
going to agree with you about this.Copy !req
111. It's like that Titanic film.Copy !req
112. Everyone knew
what was gonna happen in the end,Copy !req
113. but it was still a tremendous hit.Copy !req
114. This is very different, Toast.Copy !req
115. To be honest, Ed,
a few people have said that to me now.Copy !req
116. It's quite serious, to give away
the ending of such a legendary play.Copy !req
117. It probably doesn't matter much
to the cast. They've been in it for years.Copy !req
118. Completely zombified, going through
the motions. But 60 years?Copy !req
119. - Can you imagine?Copy !req
120. - I say?Copy !req
121. - Hello?Copy !req
122. - Hello?Copy !req
123. Oh.Copy !req
124. I'm Steven Toast.Copy !req
125. Ah.Copy !req
126. I'm playing the detective.Copy !req
127. I'm... I'm Ken Suggestion.
Good to meet you, Post.Copy !req
128. No, no, Toast.Copy !req
129. Philip, dear?
Philip, this is our new cast member, Post.Copy !req
130. - As in deaf as a...Copy !req
131. And I'm Penny Traitor.Copy !req
132. - Is the producer or director around?
- Sorry?Copy !req
133. The producer or director?
Are they around?Copy !req
134. No, no. It's just us, I'm afraid.Copy !req
135. Well, who takes charge of rehearsals?Copy !req
136. Rehearsals?Copy !req
137. - Well, I haven't even been sent a script.
Oh. Well...Copy !req
138. There may be a copy of the playCopy !req
139. lying around somewhere.Copy !req
140. Who... Who would have one?Copy !req
141. - Albert may have a copy.
- Yes, yes. Uh...Copy !req
142. Is he around?Copy !req
143. Oh, fuck...Copy !req
144. - Oh, I don't...
- Albert!Copy !req
145. Albert!Copy !req
146. - What news?
- What?Copy !req
147. Of the outside world?Copy !req
148. We're a bit isolated in here.Copy !req
149. Oh. Oh, right.
Well, um, David Cameron is still PM.Copy !req
150. Not that you'd notice.Copy !req
151. I mean, I can't even remember
what he looks like.Copy !req
152. - Who?
- Really?Copy !req
153. - Any sign of that script?
- Yes, here's Albert now.Copy !req
154. Do you have a copy of the play
for Post here?Copy !req
155. Thank you, Albert.Copy !req
156. Right.Copy !req
157. The play's awful,Copy !req
158. but, luckily, I don't appear
until the third act.Copy !req
159. when I quickly solve the murder.Copy !req
160. Yes, and you know who did it?
The chauffeur!Copy !req
161. We all know that now, thanks to you.Copy !req
162. - All right!
- Anyway...Copy !req
163. Looking forward to seeing the play again.Copy !req
164. What a relief to see a show
that isn't full of bad language,Copy !req
165. immigrants and sex-change artists.Copy !req
166. Unlike most modern dramas,
it isn't set in the North.Copy !req
167. Glorifying the type of scroungers
one sees on Benefits Street.Copy !req
168. And I don't even have to follow
the plot or anything,Copy !req
169. - because I know the chauffeur did it.
- All right, Blair, keep it down!Copy !req
170. Still, a regular job for you, Toast.Copy !req
171. Play your cards right, you could be in
gainful employment for the next 30 years.Copy !req
172. Where the bloody hell is he?
Not like him to be late.Copy !req
173. Ah! There he is.Copy !req
174. - Who the fuck is that?
- Dennis Thwaites.Copy !req
175. Retired commander of
the Household Cavalry Regiment.Copy !req
176. Still likes to wear the uniform.Copy !req
177. Dennis, good to see you.Copy !req
178. Gin, tonic!Copy !req
179. Uh, no, Dennis. This chap isn't a waiter.Copy !req
180. - He's my brother.
- Why does he think I'm a waiter?Copy !req
181. 'Cause you bloody look like one.Copy !req
182. A lot of people have remarked on it.
It's the tache.Copy !req
183. - Thwaites, Dennis!
- This is Steven Toast.Copy !req
184. - Toast, Steven!
- Toast, Blair!Copy !req
185. Ah!Copy !req
186. How was your journey
from Ipswich, Dennis?Copy !req
187. Come down on Farage, did you?Copy !req
188. - On who?
- Farage, Dennis's horse.Copy !req
189. What, did he ride a horse
all the way from Ipswich?Copy !req
190. Yes. The only reason
I'm meeting Dennis hereCopy !req
191. in this bugger house,
it's one of the few places in LondonCopy !req
192. where you can still
tie up your horse outside.Copy !req
193. Christ, Cambridge!Copy !req
194. Roadworks at Cambridge were there, Dennis?Copy !req
195. Roadworks, Cambridge!Copy !req
196. You said you were using that new device.
The Sat Nav for the elderly.Copy !req
197. Rubbish, useless!Copy !req
198. Probably doesn't work on horses.Copy !req
199. Why the fuck is he talking
in that crazy way?Copy !req
200. Because since Dennis
retired from the regiment,Copy !req
201. he's landed himself
a cushy little job at the BBC.Copy !req
202. He's the announcer
on that university quiz program.Copy !req
203. Oh, that, yes.
I haven't seen that in 30 years,Copy !req
204. but there again I never watch television.Copy !req
205. Though I have heard
Breaking Bad is very good.Copy !req
206. What happens is the student presses
a buzzer when heCopy !req
207. or she...Copy !req
208. thinks they know the answer,
and Dennis gives the name and university.Copy !req
209. - That's the easiest job in the world.
- Dennis is getting a bit tiredCopy !req
210. of the traveling though. Especially since
he goes everywhere by horse.Copy !req
211. - So, he's retiring.
- Well, I could do that job.Copy !req
212. How much do you earn in a year?Copy !req
213. Half a... million!Copy !req
214. Shit! Could you put a word in for me?Copy !req
215. Certainly, yes!Copy !req
216. You'd have to watch yourself though.
You'll probably have to meet Paxman.Copy !req
217. - Who?
- Jeremy Paxman!Copy !req
218. The miserable presenter.Copy !req
219. Year above me at Eton.Copy !req
220. He was a sullen little prick, even then.Copy !req
221. Who cares? Half a million quid? Just for
saying the names of a bunch of students?Copy !req
222. - Huh! Easy... peasy!
- Don't do that, Toast.Copy !req
223. Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.Copy !req
224. Tonight's performance
will begin in five minutes.Copy !req
225. I say!Copy !req
226. It's a little queer that there aren't any
directors or stage managers around.Copy !req
227. Oh, we've been at it so longCopy !req
228. that everything more or less
happens automatically.Copy !req
229. No real dramas to speak of.Copy !req
230. Apart from Ken.Copy !req
231. Ken? What about Ken?Copy !req
232. He just occasionally forgets his lines
when a new actor joins the production.Copy !req
233. Or... Or there isn't a full house.Copy !req
234. One... minute...
until curtain up.Copy !req
235. All right, let's do this.Copy !req
236. What?Copy !req
237. There's no one there!Copy !req
238. I need a full house! I can't go on!Copy !req
239. - Get a fucking grip, woman!Copy !req
240. What did he say?Copy !req
241. I am Inspector Attenborough,
from Scotland Yard.Copy !req
242. One of your servants rang me
about a murder.Copy !req
243. So, I wish to interview you all. No?Copy !req
244. You don't come on till Act Three!Copy !req
245. Right.Copy !req
246. I'll be back.Copy !req
247. Yes, I know. It's Act Three.Copy !req
248. I'm on in a... moment.Copy !req
249. There's not many
in tonight.Copy !req
250. So, what time did you hear this scream,
Colonel Granville?Copy !req
251. I... um, uh... uh... uh...Copy !req
252. Miss Crabtree informed us
that she retired at 11:30.Copy !req
253. Was it after that?Copy !req
254. - Well, say your line, man!
- I've forgotten it.Copy !req
255. [man 1] The chauffeur did it.Copy !req
256. Bloody hell.
- [man 2] I say, the chauffeur did it.Copy !req
257. Yes!Copy !req
258. I say, the chauffeur did it!
The chauffeur did it!Copy !req
259. - The chauffeur did it!
- The chauffeur is the murderer, yes.Copy !req
260. - The chauffeur is the murderer, yes.
- There's not many in tonight.Copy !req
261. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
262. Finishing touches!Copy !req
263. Ha-ha! Starter for ten.Copy !req
264. I think Oxford is the better team, Toast.Copy !req
265. Maybe you should swap
Sooty and Richard Osman.Copy !req
266. It doesn't matter, Ed.Copy !req
267. I wanted Salman Rushdie and Germaine
Greer, instead of Sooty and Sweep,Copy !req
268. - but I couldn't find their pictures.
- Why do we have to have any women?Copy !req
269. I've never noticed a woman
on that program.Copy !req
270. Who cares, Blair?
It's important that I get this job.Copy !req
271. That play's a disaster.Copy !req
272. Ed, you be Oxford.Copy !req
273. Blair, you're Cambridge.Copy !req
274. Get on your buzzers
and I'll practice saying the names.Copy !req
275. Chemistry. What ionic logarithm
is the carbon derivative of ten?Copy !req
276. Oh...Copy !req
277. - Come on, buzz.
- I'm trying to think.Copy !req
278. Who'd be good at chemistry?Copy !req
279. You've selected classicists
and journalists.Copy !req
280. Well, can we at least get rid
of Janet Street-Porter?Copy !req
281. Just press anything.Copy !req
282. - Oxford, Fry!Copy !req
283. - Well, I don't know the answer.
- Me neither.Copy !req
284. Look, have you got any questions
on military history?Copy !req
285. Look, scrap that.
Randomly press and I'll say the names.Copy !req
286. Cambridge, Yentob!Copy !req
287. - Oxford, Kureishi!Copy !req
288. - Cambridge, Sweep!Copy !req
289. This is quite fun, actually.Copy !req
290. Isn't it? And I'm excellent at it.Copy !req
291. Yes, it's noticeable that the women
haven't answered anything.Copy !req
292. - When's your audition tomorrow?
- Three o'clock.Copy !req
293. - Will Paxman be there?
- Apparently so.Copy !req
294. - It's funny you've never heard about him.
- I never watch television.Copy !req
295. Although I hear
Breaking Bad is very good.Copy !req
296. - [Ed] Sorry, Toast.Copy !req
297. I think it's electrocuting me.Copy !req
298. [Ed] Not quite sure where we are, Toast.Copy !req
299. Since they closed down Television Centre,Copy !req
300. nobody really knows
where the BBC actually is now.Copy !req
301. I haven't got a clue either, Ed.
Do you have a Sat Nav?Copy !req
302. Good thought, Toast.
As it happens, I bought one just recently.Copy !req
303. - Ah.
- Let's see.Copy !req
304. You are now turning into...Copy !req
305. - ... St. Wafford... Abergavenny...Copy !req
306. What the hell's the time? Fuck this...Copy !req
307. - Um, was that...?
- Yeah.Copy !req
308. - Ah.Copy !req
309. Who the hell are you?
Albrighton...Copy !req
310. - Ah, fuck this!Copy !req
311. There it is! Stop!Copy !req
312. What the...Copy !req
313. Like the sound of that?
Thought not.Copy !req
314. Who the hell are you again?Copy !req
315. Who the hell? I'm Steven Toast.Copy !req
316. I'm here for the
university quiz show voiceover gig.Copy !req
317. Steven Toast. And what are
your qualifications for this job exactly?Copy !req
318. I'm an experienced actor
and voiceover artist.Copy !req
319. I'm a little surprised
you haven't heard of me.Copy !req
320. Steven Toast... Hang on a second. Oh, God.Copy !req
321. You're that idiot that gave away
the ending of The Moosetrap.Copy !req
322. Well, I went on Woman's Hour on Radio 4
and was asked a question—Copy !req
323. Did you give away
the ending of The Moosetrap?Copy !req
324. I was asked a question on said show...Copy !req
325. Did you give away
the ending of The Moosetrap?Copy !req
326. Many topics were discussed,
one of which was The Moo—Copy !req
327. Did you give away
the ending of The Moosetrap?Copy !req
328. It was a promotional interview.
She asked me the question...Copy !req
329. Did you give away
the ending of The Moosetrap?Copy !req
330. Why the fuck
do you keep asking me that?Copy !req
331. You're a rude fella,
if you don't mind me saying.Copy !req
332. Well, and you're an idiot.Copy !req
333. What did you just say?Copy !req
334. - You'll apologize for that, big boy.
- No, I won't.Copy !req
335. What's that meant to be?Copy !req
336. That's my sculpture of
the Angel of the North,Copy !req
337. which I made out of matchsticks.Copy !req
338. Well, if you don't apologize, I'll smash
your sculpture of the Angel of the North,Copy !req
339. - which you made out of matchsticks.
- Hm.Copy !req
340. You wouldn't dare.Copy !req
341. That was a very stupid thing to do.Copy !req
342. Paxman?Copy !req
343. Paxman? Where the hell did he go?Copy !req
344. Ahh.Copy !req
345. And so it becomes very clear.
An unlikely killer, to be sure.Copy !req
346. But there was only one person
who had the motive, means and opportunityCopy !req
347. to commit such a foul deed.Copy !req
348. The murderer is...Copy !req
349. - Lady Beddington.
- Huh?Copy !req
350. That's a surprise.
- What?Copy !req
351. No, no, you idiot!
The chauffeur did it!Copy !req
352. No. It was Lady Beddington.Copy !req
353. No, no, this is all wrong.
The chauffeur did it!Copy !req
354. - My God! I think she's dead.Copy !req
355. - Oh, brilliant.
- What's going on, Toast?Copy !req
356. I was just trying
to shake things up a bit.Copy !req
357. How dare you, Post?Copy !req
358. Toast, you fucknut!Copy !req
359. You bloody ruined it!Copy !req
360. Rubbish!
- Out of my way!Copy !req
361. Oh, that's right, yeah. Go on.
Desert a sinking ship.Copy !req
362. Bugger off to Cats,
or whatever it is you losers enjoy?Copy !req
363. - Screw you, old timers!Copy !req
364. Good for you, Toast.Copy !req
365. There's not many in tonight.
I know! So you keep saying!Copy !req
366. Sixty years, Toast.Copy !req
367. Sixty long and successful yearsCopy !req
368. and now the show has closed
and a wonderful actress has died.Copy !req
369. I didn't know she was one of your clients.Copy !req
370. Yes. The only thing she did,
apart from that play,Copy !req
371. was an episode of Poldark in 1973.Copy !req
372. Such a tragedy. And all down to you.Copy !req
373. You won't be able to show your face
around here for a while.Copy !req
374. I think you should go and live in France.Copy !req
375. And one more thing.Copy !req
376. What's this I hear about you on
that university quiz show on the BBC?Copy !req
377. - Uh...
- Ah! Just about to tell me, were you?Copy !req
378. Going behind my back,
trying to get jobs on your own, were you?Copy !req
379. You fucking weasel!Copy !req
380. - I just fancied the—
- “Fancied myself as an agent,"Copy !req
381. by the sounds of things. What have I said?Copy !req
382. - That you are never—
- Never to try and get jobs on my own.Copy !req
383. You are never ever to try
and get jobs on your own.Copy !req
384. Well, you haven't got this job, anyway.Copy !req
385. - Who got it?
- Well, not you.Copy !req
386. Because, apparently, you had some kind of
argument with Jeremy Paxman,Copy !req
387. destroyed his matchstick model
of the Angel of the NorthCopy !req
388. and threw him out of a window.Copy !req
389. Did you throw Jeremy Paxman
out of a window?Copy !req
390. No!Copy !req
391. - Well, kind of.
Oh.Copy !req
392. I didn't throw him out of a window, though
he did end up going through a window.Copy !req
393. Unbelievable behavior, Toast.
You have created a perfect fiasco.Copy !req
394. And now you're kind of
throwing Jeremy Paxman out of windowsCopy !req
395. and destroying his matchstick models.
Really, Toast! I mean, really!Copy !req
396. I think you know what to do.Copy !req
397. And do a good job this time.
Your last attempt wasn't very thorough.Copy !req
398. Here's your starter for ten.
What was the name of the second-rate actorCopy !req
399. who single handedly forced the closure of
the legendary play, The Moosetrap,Copy !req
400. after a successful 60-year run
in London's West End?Copy !req
401. - Cambridge, Clacy-Smith!Copy !req
402. - Steven Post?
- Near enough.Copy !req