Toast of London 2x2

1. OK, Steven, ready to go?

2. Oh! Have I introduced you to our client Nick Swivney?

3. Yeah, whatever. Can we just get on with this, please?

4. Um, Steven? This is Clem Fandango.

5. Yeah, I know who you are.

6. Can you hear me?

7. Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

8. What do you want?

9. - Just letting you know we're ready to go. - He just said that!

10. You two are unbelievable!

11. The smooth taste of Red Carpet cigarettes

12. is coming to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

13. Everybody knows that cigarettes are good for you.

14. Red Carpet cigarettes.

15. Once you smoke one, you'll want more

16. and more and more

17. and more and more and more and more.

18. Yes!

19. - No! That went well.

20. The lady, Jane. She's a fine, fine woman.

21. She's your agent, yes?

22. Yeah, she's my agent.

23. You are fucking her, yes? Eh?

24. No, I'm not.

25. - Am I done here? - Tell Jane, hello from me.

26. Eh?

27. - India, which bloody button do I press? You just press play.

28. Yes, I know!

29. - Killer whales? - I'm sure they train you.

30. Couple of hours in the morning,

31. you'd be performing with them in the pool by lunchtime.

32. Why would you even suggest this, Jane? I'm an actor,

33. not a bloody whale charmer, for Christ's sake.

34. You might want to watch your language and remember who you're talking to.

35. Ah, murder mystery.

36. Vengeful husband.

37. Rula Lenska's already said yes to the wife...

38. Cats.

39. Children's television.

40. Good God, never again.

41. So, who's going on their holidays this week?

42. That's right, it's Jennifer.

43. Off you go, Steven.

44. I wonder where Jennifer's going.

45. - Oh, shit man. You're fucking kidding.

46. How did you get on with Nick Swivney?

47. You know, he's trying to flog cigarettes to the Congo?

48. The poorest people in the world.

49. Yes. They're rather tasty actually.

50. Why put me up for something like that?

51. You're concerned for ethical reasons or because someone might find out about it?

52. Because someone might find out about it.

53. Why can't you find me something decent?

54. I suggest a little rethink on the Norris Flipjack advert.

55. - Mm-mm. - You'll be shooting it

56. at his extensive woodland estate.

57. - No, I won't. - It's mega money, Toast.

58. And any advert directed by Flipjack has "quality" written all over it.

59. Nope.

60. Fantastic! This is going to be great.

61. Now, where's my star?

62. There he is.

63. Fashionably late.

64. Hey, Jackie. How you doing? Phil, you old tiger!

65. Barry! Chris! Hey, Maxine, you're looking good!

66. Thanks, Ray.

67. - Ray bloody Purchase. - Toast.

68. How you feeling this morning, Ray?

69. Well, what a night. This cat really knows how to throw a party.

70. But you wouldn't know about that, would you, Toast?

71. Because you weren't invited. How embarrassing.

72. Right! Let's make an advert.

73. I'm ready, let's go.

74. You heard him. Let's go. OK, first positions.

75. Turn over. Cue travellator.

76. And... action!

77. OK, cut... Cut!

78. - Right, that's lunch.

79. You jumped-up prick.

80. Whatever petty crap exists between you and Ray Purchase is of no interest to me.

81. But if it starts to jeopardize the making of my advert—

82. I've gotta be honest with you, Flipjack, I hate everything about your advert.

83. What kind of arsehole doesn't like my adverts?

84. It's clearly a prop gun, Flipjack.

85. Really? Well, let's see, shall we?

86. If you don't say, "I'm sorry, Norris, I love your adverts," I...

87. Put down that fox!

88. Barbecuing defenseless animals. You're insane!

89. - Go on, fella! Run for your life.

90. He's dead, you idiot.

91. Ah, didn't expect that, did you, Flipjack?

92. You see, Toast, what you don't know...

93. - You see, Flipjack, what you don't know— - How's the barbecue going, guys?

94. - He was barbecuing a fox! - I wasn't barbecuing it.

95. - I was roasting it on a spit. - It's the kind of thing

96. that goes on all the time in the countryside, Toast. Get used to it.

97. - Now, I fancy a fox burger. - Tuck in, Ray.

98. There you go, Toast.

99. What's this for?

100. Bus fare. Don't bother coming back after lunch.

101. And he was barbecuing foxes, you say?

102. He was. He had one on a spit.

103. I believe he's in the Countryside Alliance.

104. He can do what he likes.

105. But as I told you, best not to cross Norris Flipjack.

106. - He will crush you like that.

107. Yes. Well, I'm done with all these shit jobs, Jane.

108. I've got a few quid in the bank.

109. It's not like I'm facing a massive tax bill any time soon.

110. Good afternoon, I'd like to report Steven Gonville Toast for tax evasion.

111. Unfortunately, Ray Purchase has reported you to the tax people.

112. Why is he such a grass?

113. You know, I could kill him with a spoon.

114. That may be so, but brace yourself, Toast.

115. You now owe the tax people... a quarter of a million pounds.

116. Oh, God!

117. I thought you took care of all the tax stuff, Jane?

118. Jane!

119. Look, you may have to take a few jobs that don't particularly appeal for a while,

120. but this Harry Potter show will be great.

121. When I got into this profession, I had no intention of entertaining anybody.

122. Least of all children.

123. Actors can't always pick and choose, Toast.

124. Even very successful ones.

125. I know when things were a little lax for John Nettles last year,

126. - he turned to a spot of poaching. - Poaching?

127. Yes. Just to put food on the table before his next job at the National.

128. - Really? - Shall we?

129. Everything going well, Eric? Still on the EastEnders?

130. "Leave it out, Pat."

131. - What the hell was that? - Sounds like the back door.

132. Thirty quid, the lot.

133. How many rabbits?

134. - Three. - That's not a rabbit.

135. - Looks more like a squirrel. - It's a rabbit.

136. I don't think so, John. We'd have to skin them and all that.

137. But Juliet Stevenson could do all that for you, for an extra tenner.

138. Not really that keen.

139. Oh, right. Well, I'll try Tim Pigott-Smith.

140. Oh, God. You can't help yourself, can you?

141. - What do you mean, can't help myself? - Name drop.

142. You can't get a sentence out

143. without John Mills this or Tim Pigott-Smith that.

144. Go easy, Toast. Poor man's on his uppers.

145. Ah, you're right. I'm sorry, Nettles. Good luck with your rabbits.

146. And, uh, give my love to the family.

147. I'll try Hugh fucking Bonneville.

148. I hope I never have to do anything like that, Ed.

149. Well, looks like we're on for another train strike, Toast.

150. Thatcher would've sorted that out

151. - with a single phone call to Cobra. - Indeed.

152. Hope you're not thinking of going anywhere.

153. That's the least of my troubles, Ed. Jane's got me doing these shitty jobs

154. to pay off that tax bill.

155. How was that Harry Potter show?

156. The director was a wanker.

157. They're all useless. I don't respect any of them.

158. - In fact, I don't respect anybody. - Really?

159. Yeah, I can't think of a single person on this earth that I have any respect for.

160. Have you ever thought of directing, Toast?

161. Well, that's not a bad idea.

162. I think I'd be an excellent director, now you mention it, Ed.

163. [Ed] Might not be as easy at it looks, Toast.

164. - Some actors can be a little difficult.

165. Toast.

166. Calendar Girls.

167. - What's that? - Oh, you must know about it, Toast.

168. A load of prim, middle-aged women

169. pose nude for a calendar to raise money for charity.

170. - They pose nude for a calendar? - That's correct.

171. - The Women's Institute? - Indeed.

172. There's one thing I don't get, Jane.

173. Who the fuck would wanna buy something like that?

174. How dare you be so rude about the WI, Toast?

175. Anyway, the producer and the director for some reason are very keen to meet you.

176. I suggested The Colonial Club tomorrow afternoon.

177. - Who are they? - Duncan Clench and Bob Fennison.

178. - Never heard of them. - Oh, one tiny thing.

179. Bob Fennison has a very minor facial blemish.

180. What's the matter with him?

181. Do you know, it's so minor I don't even remember.

182. Anyway, we are well on the way to paying off

183. your quarter of a million pound tax bill. Toodle-oo!

184. - So, what was that, Toast? - That was Jane.

185. She's got me a part in something called Calendar Girls.

186. Hmm. The Women's Institute. Yes, I have one of those calendars.

187. Ah, sounds weird. Like niche porn.

188. The ladies, mostly of the mature variety, somewhat out of shape, are totally nude.

189. - Yes, so I gather. - However, home-made cupcakes

190. and jars of chutney discreetly obscure the more intimate parts of their bodies...

191. - ... leaving the viewer's imagination

192. to picture the erotic delights concealed beneath.

193. I might just go and see if I can find my calendar.

194. Check some dates.

195. Steven, I'm Duncan Clench, producer.

196. And, uh, this is Bob Fennison, our director.

197. - Hi, Steven. Something to eat?

198. - Oh, um, there's a menu. Oh.

199. Uh, club sandwich for me, I think. Bob?

200. What has Jane told you about Calendar Girls?

201. I presume you're familiar with the production.

202. It's been touring constantly since 2008.

203. So, everything's running very smoothly at this stage.

204. You'll be playing the part of the photographer.

205. Which is an absolutely key role.

206. I can't operate a camera. Does that matter?

207. Oh no, no, no, no. You won't be actually taking any photographs.

208. So, it's no... What, what?

209. Um, sorry about this, Steven. Be back in a moment.

210. Sorry about that, Steven. - Everything alright?

211. Oh no, just... Well, Bob was a bit upset.

212. He thought he should be included more in the... in the conversation.

213. Maybe we should include him more?

214. Um...

215. So, where will we be rehearsing the play, Bob?

216. Uh, Eastbourne. Tomorrow. We've got a fantastic bunch of actors.

217. Shit. - Oh. Uh, sorry about this.

218. We're going to have to go.

219. I didn't let him answer your question about meeting the cast

220. and now he's furious.

221. - You probably noticed he's... Um... - His um...

222. What?

223. - His... - He's quite shy.

224. - Oh. - Doesn't really like being out in company.

225. Anyway, it's been very nice meeting you.

226. Oh, come on!

227. And we'll speak soon.

228. Fucking hell.

229. Anything could happen now.

230. - Dead? - Yes.

231. - What, both of them? - Yes.

232. The police located their empty car and two pairs of pajamas at Beachy Head.

233. Good God.

234. They're working on a theory that they went for a dip and whilst in the water,

235. Bob drowned Duncan and then drowned himself.

236. There was a really sad suicide note.

237. What? The police went for a dip with Bob and Duncan?

238. - No! - Wouldn't the police have tried

239. to stop Bob from drowning Duncan before Bob drowned himself?

240. I wish you'd listen. Just Bob and Duncan went for a dip.

241. The police watched from the shore?

242. The police weren't involved at this point!

243. Ah! Maybe it was an accident.

244. There was a suicide note!

245. Maybe it wasn't an accident.

246. Bob was fiercely jealous of Duncan and, according to the suicide note,

247. believed that Duncan was in love with you.

248. Did anything happen between you and Duncan?

249. Did it fuck! No! We just went for a drink. In fact, only I had a drink.

250. They had to rush off for a train.

251. Now the show's missing a producer and a director. I mean, producer doesn't matter,

252. but they really need a strong director to break in the new cast.

253. Yes.

254. - Sorry? - I'll do it. Opportunity knocks.

255. You want to be a director?

256. Yes, I would like to be a director.

257. I think I'd be pretty good at it. Don't you?

258. Well, it's not just the technical skills, you need people skills as well, Toast.

259. I've got people skills and a very good sense of humor.

260. If you're directing, will you be able to take on the role of the photographer?

261. It's a shit role anyway. Any halfwit could do it.

262. This is Ed Howzer-Black, and he'll be playing the part of the photographer.

263. Yes.

264. Now, the first scene we're going to have a look at is...

265. Sorry to immediately interrupt, Toast.

266. Did you plan to have the ladies undressed for this scene?

267. This is just the rehearsal, Ed.

268. Wouldn't it help at all? There might be something more natural about it?

269. You're not even in this scene.

270. Why don't you go to your dressing room and I'll see you at lunch?

271. No, I think I'll stay around, if you don't mind.

272. I'd quite like to see your directing style.

273. Well, I can tell you my directing style will be very forceful indeed.

274. Yes, I intend to treat these people as cattle.

275. - Quite so, quite so. - Yes.

276. All right, ladies, we need the actresses called Jennifer and Alexandra.

277. Right.

278. OK, this is the scene where you're both worried about telling your husbands

279. that you're going to do a nude calendar shoot.

280. Here we go. And...

281. - Action! - Ooh!

282. I am slightly worried about telling my Bert.

283. What are his mates down the pub going to think? I...

284. You've forgotten your line?

285. I just assumed you'd be a bit better prepared than that.

286. - OK, let's go again. Action! - Ooh.

287. I am slightly worried about telling my Bert.

288. What are his mates down the pub going to think?

289. I...

290. - Sorry, I... I forgot my line.

291. You did what?

292. I forgot my line.

293. What the fuck is wrong with you? Show her her line.

294. Um...

295. And concentrate! And don't fuck it up! Action!

296. Ooh! I am slightly worried about telling my Bert.

297. What are his mates down the pub going to think? I...

298. Sorry, I...

299. - I f... I've forgotten my line.

300. Are you fucking retarded?

301. What the shit is between your ears?

302. Can I, um...?

303. Sorry, she's not really responding to your direction.

304. - May I suggest a small piece of advice? - What?

305. I think you could possibly be a little more forceful with her.

306. - More forceful? - Yes.

307. A tad more aggressive.

308. - I'd give that a go. May well work. - OK.

309. Jennifer, I'll be to the point.

310. If you knacker this scene again, I'll fucking fire you from this production

311. and I'll replace you with an actress who can actually act.

312. - Action! Ooh!

313. I am slightly worried about telling my Bert.

314. What are his mates down the pub going to think?

315. I...

316. - I... I...

317. OK. So, Sally's just given you the news.

318. What's needed here is a small reaction,

319. because you don't want Sally to know that you're upset. Right?

320. Action!

321. What the hell are you doing?

322. I said a small reaction, you fucking donut!

323. Let's give it one more try before I replace you with a chimpanzee.

324. - Right?

325. Now, pull yourself together! Action!

326. No! No, no, no!

327. I say!

328. You can't speak to our actors like that!

329. Is that Clench? Hang on!

330. I thought you were dead.

331. There was an incident.

332. With Bob. He tried to drown me.

333. - Ah. - I drifted out to sea.

334. But, luckily, I was washed up just outside the theater.

335. Why are you directing this production?

336. I think you should leave this show!

337. Well, screw you, sailor. It's a shit show anyway.

338. Bunch of middle-aged tarts hiding their tits behind flowerpots.

339. I can do much better than this. Come on, Ed, we're going. Where is he?

340. What are you doing, Ed?

341. Just rehearsing a photography scene with Alison here.

342. Never mind that. We've got to get back to London.

343. Unlikely, Toast.

344. - Why? - That rail strike has gone ahead.

345. Anyway, Alison has just offered to put me up for the night.

346. Really?

347. I could give you a lift back, if you like.

348. Great, where's your car?

349. Oh, I... I... I don't have a car.

350. What do you have?

351. Oh.

352. What's the problem?

353. It's... I found the day's rehearsals very distressing.

354. You're an extremely aggressive director.

355. And... because I was a bit upset,

356. I may have forgotten to put fuel into the tank.

357. Oh, for fuck's sake!

358. Good God.

359. God.

360. Sorry about earlier.

361. I may have been a tad over the top.

362. No hard feelings.

363. OK, stop there. Don't move, whoever you are.

364. - You know this is private land.

365. Show your face, ya bastard!

366. Toast? What the hell are you doing here?

367. I was in a plane that just crashed in this wood.

368. A likely story. Is that really the best you can come up with, Toast?

369. Oh! You'll be pleased to hear that my advert that you hate so much

370. will be playing in over 100,000 cinemas across the world.

371. So your decision to walk means zero royalties for you, fucknut!

372. - Yeah! - Now I see you're reduced to poaching.

373. The last resort of the out-of-work actor.

374. What are you talking about?

375. What's the quickest way back to London from here?

376. I'd say it's to run!

377. What the... Nettles? Again?

378. Yes.

379. Unfortunately, he's just been in a plane crash.

380. No, it wasn't serious. Only one person was killed.

381. I'm sure we can come to a satisfactory resolution, Mr. Cockatip.

382. Cockatip?

383. It's the tax man.

384. Luckily, something's come in. Something big.

385. Big enough to pay off your tax bill in one swoop.

386. What's the product?

387. Never mind what the fucking product is, Toast.

388. You have no choice in this.

389. Here are your plane tickets.

390. Aeroplane tickets? Where am I going?

391. OK, boys. Let's take a break.

392. Red Carpet cigarettes is the number-one brand

393. in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

394. Everybody loves the silky smooth taste of the Red Carpet.

395. Red Carpet cigarettes.

396. The Democratic Republic of Congo's number-one favorite.

397. I'll have one, please.

398. Only ten Congolese francs a packet.

399. Once you've smoked one, you'll want more

400. and more and more and more.