Toast of London 2x1

Directed by

Louise Jameson as Wendy Nook • Tracy-Ann Oberman as Mrs. Purchase

Toast is intrigued to find that Ed is entering a Celebrities and Prostitutes Blow Football Tournament. It's an annual event organized by Ed's showbiz charity, The River Rats. Ed suggests that Toast enter too. Toast accepts the invitation, and as he is 'fiercely competitive in everything', soon becomes obsessed with winning the tournament.

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!req Toast of London 2x1 [02:32]
!req Toast of London 2x1 [Toast of London 2x1]
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1. Mind the gap.

2. Mind the gap.

3. Hello, uh, Steven? Uh, could you do a quicker one?

4. Mind the gap.

5. Uh, hello again. How about doing a funky one?

6. What does that even mean?

7. Who the fuck are you, anyway?

8. Sorry, Steven, let me introduce Mayor of London, Boris Johnson.

9. Of course.

10. Right, Steven, um, may we try a couple of the traditional readings again

11. where you emphasize the word "mind" and the word "gap?"

12. Yeah, alright. Are we rolling?

13. Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango.

14. - Can you hear me? - Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

15. Like the traditional delivery, Steven. Where you hit the word "mind'

16. - and the word "gap." - Thanks for clearing that up, Clem.

17. - All part of the service, Steven. God!

18. Hello. Uh, I've just had a thought.

19. Could you leave quite a long gap between the words "the" and "gap?"

20. Mind... the...

21. gap.

22. Let's have some fun.

23. Try an even longer gap between those words.

24. Mind... the...

25. - What's your porn name, Ed? - Posh Dong Minge Muncher.

26. - That's your porn name, is it? - Yes.

27. So, Posh Dong was the name of your first pet

28. and Minge Muncher was your mother's maiden name?

29. Sorry?

30. That's how you come up with your porn name.

31. You combine the name of your first pet with your mother's maiden name.

32. I haven't a clue what you're talking about, Toast.

33. Football. What's this, Ed?

34. Ah, that's the application form

35. for the prostitutes and celebrities blow-football tournament.

36. Ah, blow-football?

37. That's where people blow those tiny footballs around

38. with straws in their mouths?

39. Yes. The tournament's organized by my show business charity the River Rats.

40. Raises money for good causes. And this year, I think it's for homeless ponies.

41. Ah, so who takes part? Actors and prostitutes?

42. Well, technically, celebrities and prostitutes.

43. We get the odd footballer, but ironically they're not very good at blow-football.

44. Do they team you up with a prostitute or do you bring your own?

45. I always bring my own. Why don't you take part, Toast?

46. It's tremendous fun. You must know some prostitutes.

47. How about that Purchase woman you're having an affair with?

48. - She's one, isn't she? - Well, she is,

49. but she's also a very strong feminist.

50. I think she'd find the whole thing quite unPC.

51. No one took a blind bit of notice

52. when Arthur Askey and Tommy Cooper started it back in the '60s,

53. but nowadays, it would get up the noses of those women's libbers

54. and killjoys at the BBC.

55. Blow-football with prostitutes? This sounds right up my rue.

56. Can I fill this in?

57. Excellent. Could be good publicity for you, too.

58. Why don't you ask Mrs. P? Is she still with her husband?

59. What's his name? Um... Roy?

60. Ray. Ray bloody Purchase.

61. What's he doing these days?

62. The man's pee-nas

63. is then inserted into

64. the other man's ay-nas.

65. This is most unnatural.

66. A man's pee-nas is meant to go into a lady's vag-eena,

67. not another man's ay-nas.

68. - Hear, hear! Very good.

69. That is the end of today's lecture.

70. I have to say, Swivney, that was a great talk.

71. The gays have had it all their own way for far too long in this country.

72. It really is super that you have the bottle

73. to come here and tell it like it is.

74. Yes. Thank you, Ray Purchase.

75. I know we both abhor this rampant bum banditry

76. I see everywhere in your country.

77. Now, I'm meeting some anti-gay friends of mine in a local pub.

78. - Would you like to come along? - Oh, yes.

79. That sounds exactly like my idea of a great night out.

80. Don't touch me!

81. I'm home, my darling!

82. Had a few drinks with Swivney and the anti-gays.

83. They want me to help them inform people of the dangers of homosex,

84. but in an entertaining way.

85. Really? Actually, I'd rather not know about it. It reeks of homophobia.

86. Nonsense. Don't know what you're talking about.

87. Oh, God, I've got a skinful.

88. Then I look forward to you snoring really loudly.

89. Snoring? I've never snored in my entire...

90. Toast! Don't you even bother to knock anymore?

91. - Where's your soppy husband? - He's here, actually. In the bed.

92. - He looks dead. - He's probably just hungover.

93. He went to an anti-gay lecture given by Nick Swivney.

94. Oh, that idiot.

95. Everybody got pissed in the pub afterwards.

96. Let's not talk. Let's just do it.

97. Ed was talking to me about some celebrity and prostitute blow-football tournament.

98. Yes. Ray's asked me to partner him this year.

99. It's happening soon, isn't it?

100. - So you know about it? - Hm.

101. Well, I was hoping you'd partner me.

102. Oh. Well, it's just, well, Ray and I, our marriage hasn't been great recently.

103. I think this could bring us together more.

104. I know a celebrity and prostitutes blow-football tournament

105. is frightfully unPC, but I think my marriage should come first.

106. I can get you the names of a few prostitutes if you like.

107. OK. I have to say, I would quite like to win this tournament.

108. As you know, I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do.

109. This is a bit weird, Mrs. P. I'd like to go.

110. Maybe we should get

111. a more up-to-date photo of you, Toast.

112. Now that you're playing more...

113. mature roles.

114. No, leave it, Jane. It's fine.

115. I mean, it maybe 30 years old, but as you can see I haven't changed one bit.

116. Hmm. Um...

117. You know, I'd really like to win

118. this prostitute and celebrity blow-football tournament.

119. As you know, I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do.

120. I'm just worried it might be a little unPC.

121. Not like you to think like that, Toast.

122. It isn't, is it?

123. It's almost like I turned into your friend Ben Elton.

124. Or Gary Barlow.

125. Who?

126. Do you like Charles Dickens?

127. Dickens? Yes, of course.

128. An offer's come in.

129. - To play Dickens? - Yes, would you like to play Dickens?

130. - Does Frank Bough like to party? - What?

131. Yeah, I'd love to play Dickens. No one's done him properly.

132. Callow tried in his one-man show, but he was too camp.

133. Not like Dickens at all. He was more like Larry Grayson or...

134. - Russell Brand. - Hmm...

135. I'll find out some more details.

136. Toast! Ah, Mrs. Purchase.

137. Where are you? Alright, I'll be right there.

138. That was Mrs. Purchase.

139. She's got some suggestions for prostitutes to partner me in the tournament.

140. It's in a place called Springleys on the Fulham Road.

141. Springleys? I don't know it.

142. Is it a gentleman's club?

143. Ah!

144. Ah! There you are.

145. Sorry I'm late. Took me ages to find this place.

146. I thought it was a club or wine bar.

147. Hop in.

148. Now, I've been looking at these.

149. Now, that's Lola. She is a really nice prostitute.

150. Paige. I mean, she's a great prostitute.

151. - Ruby. One of the best prostitutes around. - Yes.

152. Are any of these prostitutes good at blow-football?

153. - You what? - Well...

154. Ed says you're not allowed to have sex with the prostitutes

155. during the tournament, so I may as well go with the one that's best at blow-football.

156. - Oh, you want Wendy Nook. - Who?

157. Wendy Nook. Yeah, she's a great prostitute.

158. Probably the best one at blow-football.

159. - Fantastic. - Shall I give her a call?

160. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

161. I must say, you're looking very nice today, Mrs. P.

162. Yes. Very nice.

163. - Ooh!

164. Hang on, my balls are about to fizz!

165. - Are you sure, Jane? - Yes, yes. You look exactly like Dickens.

166. But are you sure I have to dress like him for the audition.

167. I think it shows great attention to detail on their part.

168. They're even sending a driver to pick you up.

169. - Hmm! - Not from here unfortunately,

170. - but it shows they're keen. Hmm.

171. You still want to play Dickens, don't you?

172. - Of course. - Well, good.

173. What the hell is this?

174. Something's wrong here, Jane. Something's very, very wrong.

175. Yes, sorry, Toast.

176. There possibly has been a misunderstanding here.

177. The finer details may have been on the attachment and I...

178. I rarely read attachments.

179. They think I'm a tour guide.

180. I presumed you were being picked up and taken to the audition.

181. No, no, they think I'm a tour guide.

182. So, you don't want to be a tour guide?

183. Course I don't want to be a bloody tour guide, Jane. I'm an actor!

184. Is there a pension scheme with tour guides?

185. Anyone there you could talk to about that?

186. Is... Is there a what?

187. Pension?

188. Acting's a shaky profession, Toast, and there'll come a time, fairly soon,

189. when you won't be able to act anymore. This could be an opportunity for you.

190. I'm not a tour guide, Jane, I'm an actor.

191. We all have to take our last bow at some point, Toast.

192. We've had our fun over the years, but this could be a dignified way out.

193. I'm just... I'm looking at the long-term option.

194. What? And end up as a tour guide?

195. Um, yes.

196. Jane, that's probably the worst idea you've ever had

197. and if I wasn't such a nice guy, I'd tell you to stick it up your Khyber.

198. How dare you talk to me like that? And don't make that face.

199. If I were you, sunshine, I'd learn the tour guide ropes,

200. because I have a feeling you'll be back, cap in hand.

201. You just drive around all day, do you?

202. - Yeah. - Your job satisfaction must be nil.

203. I'd probably throw myself in the Thames.

204. Whoa, you can't get on here, it's a tourist bus.

205. I want a tour of the London.

206. Well, then you need to go to Piccadilly Circus.

207. No, I have a tourist ticket which allows me on tour.

208. Look, best let her on. I can't be doing with the arse-ache.

209. He says go up.

210. - Better go up there, keep an eye on her. - Why?

211. - A lot of them piss on the bus. - Really?

212. Yeah. Unless you keep an eye on them, they piss on the bus.

213. You know what people are like.

214. Leave your sight for one second, they're gonna start acting up.

215. Better go and keep an eye on her.

216. Look, I'm not a tour guide. I'm a bloody actor.

217. Are you, now? Look, do us a favor, mate.

218. Anything happens, it's me what's gonna wear it, innit?

219. Oh, God.

220. - What's that? - I don't know.

221. I'm an actor. I'm not a tour guide.

222. If you don't tell me about the sights, I will tell your boss that you touched me.

223. - You'll do what? - Yes!

224. I will scream, “Help! He's touched me,” and then you go on sex offenders list.

225. Help! He's touching me!

226. Alright, alright! God!

227. - There's a council house. - Use megaphone please.

228. There's a council house. There's a lamp post.

229. - Uh, that looks like an abattoir. - Tell me historic facts, please.

230. God knows. Um... London was built in the 13th century.

231. Mostly made of straw. Then a great fire came and knackered the lot.

232. Dick Whittington is considered to have been

233. a very popular Lord Mayor.

234. I dread to think what he'd make of modern London, what with gay marriages and all.

235. Ray bloody Purchase.

236. Toast.

237. What the hell are you doing on that bus? Is that Nick Swivney?

238. It's the Beefeater Anti-Gay Tour of London. Can't you read?

239. - How pathetic! - Who are you meant to be?

240. - Gandhi. - What?

241. - No, I'm Charles Dickens, you berk. - Never mind that.

242. What the hell were you doing asking my wife to partner you

243. in the celebrity and prostitutes blow-football tournament?

244. Well, your wife's a prostitute. - You shut your mouth, Toast!

245. My wife's not a prostitute. Well, not in the conventional sense.

246. Oh, come on, Purchase.

247. Everyone in London knows your wife's a prostitute.

248. You take that back, Toast. That's a slur. A bloody slur!

249. No, it isn't. Only difference is, she doesn't do it for money,

250. unless it's with you.

251. She's not a prostitute. - Yeah? Well then, what the shit is that?

252. Bye-bye, Purchase.

253. - Excuse me? - Yeah?

254. Are you Wendy Nook?

255. It's 60 for a hand job, 80 for a blow job

256. and 95 for the full kahuna.

257. No, I understand you play blow-football.

258. It's another tenner for blow-football.

259. How did you get that?

260. I fell out of a tree.

261. I'm Steven Toast. Mrs. Purchase gave me your name.

262. Said you were the best in the business. I mean, where blow-football's concerned.

263. Do you wanna play afterwards or before, boy?

264. No, no. You misunderstand.

265. I'm not interested in the other. I wanna win

266. the River Rats Celebrity and Prostitute Blow-football Tournament,

267. and I want you to be my partner.

268. - What's in it for me? - It's for a good cause.

269. - Yeah? What? - Homeless ponies.

270. - Oh. Really? - Yes.

271. You're telling me there are homeless ponies?

272. - Yes. - God almighty.

273. That's dreadful. A very touching plight and...

274. It's really quite sad.

275. - I'm in! Yes!

276. Ooh, yes.

277. - Ah, Toast! - Ed, this is—

278. Posh Dong!

279. - You two know each other? - Uh, not that I recall.

280. Hi, Posh. Hi, Posh.

281. - Yeah. - Er, Toast, this is Fifi.

282. Hi, there. Who the hell are these celebrities?

283. - I don't recognize anyone. - No, me neither.

284. I'm told they're mostly stand-up comedians and X-Factor runners-up.

285. Still, it's all for a good cause.

286. Ray.

287. - Toast. - Ray Purchase.

288. Hi, everyone.

289. We're gonna win. You know that, don't you, Toast?

290. I wouldn't be so certain, Purchase.

291. Oh, I've never lost a game of blow-football in my life

292. and I'm certainly not going to lose to you.

293. In fact, you know what?

294. I am so confident we're gonna win, that if we don't, I'll—

295. - Do whatever I ask you. - What?

296. If you lose, you'll do whatever I ask of you.

297. Well, come on! If you're so bloody sure of yourself.

298. I'm so bloody sure of myself, Toast.

299. OK, so if you lose, you'll do whatever I ask you to?

300. However disgusting or degrading? Whatever I ask you to?

301. - Yes. - Ha!

302. You heard him, everyone. Yes!

303. We are definitely, definitely not gonna lose.

304. Ray, are you sure this is wise?

305. It's alright, darling. I know exactly what I'm doing.

306. It's without any risk whatsoever, because we will win this tournament.

307. So what happens next, Ed?

308. Well Toast, you're team A and you're drawn against team D,

309. who are Ralph Fiennes and his partner Thumper,

310. - who are over there. Ralph.

311. Alright, the first team to get to ten goals wins

312. and qualifies for the next round on a simple knockout basis.

313. Excellent. Are you ready, Wendy?

314. Brilliant.

315. Yeah! Boom!

316. And so, we have a very exciting final in prospect between team A,

317. - Toast and Wendy Nook.

318. - And team E, Mr. and Mrs. Ray Purchase.

319. Let's see who are this year's prostitutes and celebrities blow-football champions.

320. Right, nine all. Next goal wins!

321. No, no, no, no, no!

322. - Yeah!

323. Yes! I told you, Toast. We are the champions.

324. Suck on that, Sydney!

325. Ah, just a moment, Ralph Fiennes wants a word.

326. What's this about?

327. - Um, Ralph Fiennes has told me something. - What did he say, Ed?

328. He tells me that

329. - Mrs. Purchase isn't really a prostitute. - Yes, she is!

330. That's not what you said on that bus, Purchase.

331. My wife's not a prostitute!

332. That's what you said! The whole of London heard you.

333. Oh, Ray. It's sweet. I'm really touched.

334. I... I said not in the conventional sense.

335. She doesn't get paid for it but she's eligible for this, surely?

336. Let's not forget that we're all here to raise money for homeless ponies.

337. That's the main thing.

338. No, I'm sorry, Purchase.

339. She doesn't get paid for her services, so she is not strictly a prostitute.

340. Hang on, Ed. How does Ralph Fiennes know that?

341. OK, um... I paid her a few times.

342. - What did you say? - I said, I've paid her a few times.

343. Ooh, how sordid.

344. Paying your own wife to have sex with you.

345. Ray! That was our little secret.

346. Paying your own wife to have sex with you is not proper prostitution.

347. Therefore, I'm afraid, Ray and Mrs. Purchase are disqualified.

348. Which means that Toast and Wendy Nook are deemed to be this year's champions.

349. Well, well, well.

350. You know what this means, don't you, Purchase?

351. That you now have to do exactly what I want.

352. Don't remember agreeing to that.

353. I'm afraid you did, old chap.

354. - No, I didn't. Yeah, you did.

355. Damn right. Damn straight.

356. Now, let's see what I can come up with.

357. Ooh.

358. You really were a bit silly, Ray, making that rash bet.

359. You've got no one to blame but yourself.

360. What's gonna happen now is we're gonna get down to business.

361. - Like this.

362. Oh, grow up, Ray. You're acting like a spoilt child. Ooh!

363. And I'm going to pleasure your wife orally, much like this.

364. Ooh!

365. Now we proceed to conventional doggie-style intercourse.

366. Much like this!

367. I'm sure you've noticed, Ray Purchase, that I'm not wearing a sheath.

368. So there's a fair chance she'll become pregnant

369. - with my child. Ha!

370. Oh, Ray, stop being so childish.

371. - This is good, Ray Purchase.

372. Very natural.

373. gap!