Toast of London 1x6

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After losing £20,000 to Andrew Lloyd Webber in a celebrity poker game, Toast finds himself being hunted by musical superstar and part-time theatre-land enforcer, Michael Ball. Needing cash quick, a desperate Toast agrees to dub some gay art house porn. When his nemesis, Ray Purchase, catches him in bed with his wife again, Toast is caught up in a life or death showdown with both Purchase and Ball on the stage of his appalling play... Meanwhile his agent, Jane Plough, thinks he may have won the role of James Bond, if he survives.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It's tremendous news!

2. - They wanna see me for James Bond? - Yes.

3. - What a break.

4. After how many years in the industry? Ten, 15?

5. - Twenty-eight.

6. Ha! I knew Craig'd choke it. Too many stunts,

7. and he's always looked like the villain.

8. Do you think they'll expect me to talk?

9. You won't do that, will you?

10. I'm here for Bond.

11. - Steven Toast. - Who?

12. - Steven Toast! - OK. Take a seat.

13. - Havers. Morning, Toast.

14. - Fassbender. Steven.

15. Steven Toast.

16. The name's Bond, James Bond!

17. - Hey!

18. What the hell do you think you're playing at?

19. Shit!

20. - Jane? Fucking idiot.

21. You heard. Yeah, it wasn't great.

22. - Clearly. - No, I misjudged it.

23. - I think I frightened some of them. - Oh, Christ.

24. Still, they'll realize I'm the right man for the job

25. when they see the other no-hopers.

26. Oh, yeah. All right, see you.

27. Ooh!

28. - Hi, it's Toast. Toast?

29. - I'm in a phone box. - What?

30. I lost my mobile in an audition,

31. but, luckily, one of your prostitute cards is in here.

32. Look, I can't make it tonight.

33. I'm playing poker with Elaine Paige and Lloyd Webber.

34. But I'll see you tomorrow at 3 p.m.

35. Mm...

36. So, this is it chaps.

37. All eyes on me.

38. Three kings. I believe it's your turn, Elaine Paige.

39. Time to pull your winkle out, as my gran used to say.

40. Ha-ha! Excuse I!

41. Bad luck, EP. Couldn't have happened to a nicer gal.

42. So, Andrew Lloyd Webber, looks like it's you and me.

43. If I was you, I'd make this swift.

44. No one wants to look like a top arsehole in front of their floozy.

45. Excuse that.

46. - He can't do that, can he?

47. You knew that was all the money I had. I could puke!

48. Lots of lovely bunny.

49. Ooh, lovely.

50. Mm! Mm-mm-mm. Forgotten something, Toast?

51. I don't have any money for a taxi.

52. You still owe Lloyd Webber £20,000, Toast.

53. Yeah? Well, you can tell Mr. Lloyd Webber,

54. that he can shove that... up his Starlight Express.

55. Oh, I'm brewing a tale.

56. Ah, there he is.

57. - Toast! - Uh!

58. What the hell are you doing here this early?

59. I have alarming news, Jane.

60. To go with the alarming smell?

61. It suddenly reeks of a working men's club in here.

62. Working men in this room? That'd be a first!

63. You look dreadful, Toast.

64. Please take your feet off my desk. Where are your shoes?

65. Lloyd Webber took them. - Bloody poker.

66. How much did you lose?

67. I owe him £20,000.

68. Well...

69. I expect you'll be receiving a visit from Michael Ball soon then.

70. - Michael Ball? - Yes.

71. Ball is Lloyd Webber's enforcer. Has been for years.

72. Anyone owes LW money, Ball picks it up.

73. Obviously he doesn't have to do it, but it gives him something to do in the day

74. between shows and winning awards.

75. - Shit! - What now, Toast?

76. I slept with Michael Ball's girlfriend, not long after they split up.

77. - How long after? - About ten minutes.

78. - Fucking idiot! - Unusually attractive girl.

79. Great sense of humor, much like myself. We laughed a lot.

80. - Well, he probably won't remember you. - Why would you say that?

81. In general, I've noticed people tend not to remember you.

82. - That's a hell of a pearl necklace. - Shut up, Toast!

83. Jane Plough. Oh, he's here now actually, let me ask him.

84. - Urgent dubbing request. Just in. - Dubbing? Fuck that!

85. Just bear with me. Shall I get more details?

86. - No! - He's on the line.

87. - Not interested. - May as well.

88. - Don't waste your time, Jane. - I'll ask. More details?

89. Yes. It's a new film.

90. Young maverick Danish director. Art house. Highbrow stuff.

91. German-Spanish co-production.

92. Today. DVD. English. Five...

93. I didn't understand any of that, Jane. It was just single words.

94. Sorry, Toast. It needs to be dubbed into English for eventual DVD release.

95. They're offering £5,000.

96. - I'll do it. - Great.

97. He'll do it. He'll be there in two and a half minutes.

98. - Where is it? Scramble Studios.

99. What, those arseholes? They wouldn't know highbrow from holy water.

100. - Could you please get out now?

101. Top arsehole.

102. What are all those people doing there?

103. Oh, you know, just work here.

104. Well, let's get on. I've got an appointment later.

105. All right, no problem, Steven.

106. - So, dubbing some gay art-house erotica. - Some what?

107. - Don't have a problem playing gay, do you? - Gay? No.

108. I mean, I won't play a bald man, not even on Radio 4, but I'm not gay sceptic.

109. - Let's go. - OK. Well, good.

110. OK, the guy you're working with...

111. - What guy? - The guy playing the other part.

112. - Who? - Name's Ray Purchase. Do you know him?

113. Incredibly homophobic. He hates gays and the whole gay scene.

114. - Oh! Ray!

115. - Ray fucking Purchase! Ray!

116. Well, well, well.

117. Look who it is.

118. You two know each other. That's great!

119. No, it isn't. You hypocrite, Purchase.

120. You're the most homophobic actor in London.

121. What's this? Gay for pay?

122. Don't like to see grown-up men kissing, Toast.

123. Fail to see what the fuck it's got to do with you.

124. OK, gents... It's a good idea.

125. - What is? - Not wearing shoes.

126. You know, it's a bit relaxed.

127. Bit comfortable. OK. So, I believe you are voicing the character of Miguel.

128. - Right. - Coming at ya, we're gonna start with Ray.

129. My name is Helmut from Munich.

130. You must be Miguel.

131. - Yes. I am. Hola!

132. You are keen, my friend.

133. But I asked the agency for a blond man.

134. - I am sorry to disappoint you.

135. It was not what I was expecting.

136. Really? Would you like me to put my underpants back on?

137. Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?

138. Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

139. This is going great, Steven. Really terrific.

140. One note from the director. He really wants you to pronounce it unterpantzi.

141. Really give it everything.

142. OK. Here we go.

143. - Put my... unterpantzi!

144. Sorry, I'll do that again.

145. - Put my unterpantzi... back on.

146. That's great. Really good. Do you want to take a little break

147. - before the next bit? - No, let's just keep going.

148. Calm down, Toast.

149. Ooh!

150. - Ohh!

151. - Ooh, uh... - Ohh.

152. - Ahh.

153. Ooh.

154. Mmm.

155. Mmm.

156. Ha! - Whoa!

157. - Ha! - Whargh!

158. - Ha! - Haargh!

159. - Ho! - Ha!

160. - Huh! - Ha!

161. Ha!

162. - Ha! - Haaa!

163. - Ha! - Naaa!

164. - Ha! - Whargh!

165. Ha!

166. All right, all right. We're nearly there, OK.

167. Just some solo kissing from you, Ray, all right?

168. - No need to look at the screen. - OK.

169. OK.

170. And from uh... you, Steven.

171. OK, OK, OK. Hold it there, Steven.

172. Ray, you are finished, sir. Thank you, man, it was great.

173. Great work, Ray. Thanks a lot. Your taxi's outside.

174. OK. Thanks, Danny. Cheers, Clem!

175. Oh and, Toast?

176. Ray!

177. Cunt!

178. - Hey, thanks, Danny. - Great. Really great.

179. Thanks, Clem. Sorry he's such a prick. All the best.

180. Uh... OK.

181. Steven, feeling here is that you could play it just a little less gay.

182. A little less gay?

183. Yeah. Need to bring it down a bit, you know.

184. It's just a bit... a bit over the top.

185. - It's a bit John Inman... It's a bit...

186. It's a bit... a bit camp.

187. - OK, I'm off. - What?

188. Yeah. You think I can't see you laughing in there?

189. Yeah, you!

190. You malnourished pimp!

191. With your World War One facial hair and your sister's clothes!

192. - Steven... - You shut the fuck up, Clem Fandango!

193. And your made-up name!

194. All right, Steven, Steven. We're not laughing at you.

195. - It's just... It's something on YouTube. - Give me your shoes.

196. My shoes? - Yeah, and my taxi fare.

197. Take it off my fee.

198. Fucking laugh at me, you motherfucker.

199. - Luckily, I just bought another pair. Taxi fare!

200. Fucking clown.

201. Come on, you dirty bastard!

202. Oh, Jesus!

203. - Shit a brick, Mrs. Purchase!

204. I think I'm losing my eyesight!

205. - Oh, Jesus Christ, Toast! Oh!

206. - I actually have gone blind. - Have you?

207. No, it's come back. God, I needed that and no mistaking.

208. Last man who made love to me like that had just got out of prison.

209. If I wasn't stressed enough already, then your husband turned up

210. to the voice-over session.

211. Oh, yeah. But he's away all afternoon.

212. He's on some protest against gay marriage.

213. He's notoriously homophobic.

214. - Gah! - Mm...

215. Toast, since when have you started wearing boy's trainers?

216. - Since Lloyd Webber took my shoes. - Well, where's the other one?

217. I don't know. It's the least of my problems.

218. - Hm. You all right, Toast? - No.

219. Michael Ball is after me.

220. No!

221. - Yes.

222. One unusual fact about Michael Ball: he has a vast amount of blood in his body.

223. Really?

224. I read somewhere he has double the amount than your average person.

225. Apparently, it helps him belt out those power ballads.

226. He'll be after your "bollards" if you don't pay up.

227. Yeah. He's probably waiting for me at the theater. I'll be ready.

228. Has your soppy husband got any clean shirts?

229. Yeah, on that chair over there.

230. You upstairs, darling?

231. Oh, shit, it's Ray.

232. Not enough anti-gays turned up at the protest.

233. Ha! Good news for society, bad news for Steven Toast.

234. Quick! Under the bed, Toast.

235. - Absolutely not. - What?

236. I'm not hiding from Ray Purchase. It's about time we came clean.

237. Plimsolls? What's all this about?

238. So, where is the young buck who...

239. - Toast! - Purchase.

240. Thought I could smell cheap aftershave and bullshit!

241. Ray, careful of your blood pressure. Remember what Dr. Wo-Joe said.

242. Toast. I may appear completely calm.

243. However, inwardly I am, in fact, working out exactly how I'm gonna kill you.

244. And this time, I will kill you! I shit thee nay!

245. Oh, give it a rest, Ray.

246. What have you done to the young stud who was wearing these?

247. Thought you'd have a three-piece, did you?

248. - A what?

249. A threesome, you prat!

250. Those trainers belong to Toast. He's borrowed them.

251. Who from, a 15-year-old? So, where are your proper shoes?

252. Andrew Lloyd Webber has them.

253. What? Wait a second. Are you wearing my shirt?

254. All right, Purchase. Now, if someone slept with my wife,

255. I'd be equally irritated, but she is one feisty, independently minded modern gal.

256. She could sleep with whoever she pleases.

257. Another woman, if it took her fancy.

258. Hey, yeah! I'm cool with that. Ray, what about—

259. Never!

260. Now, if you wouldn't mind getting out of my—

261. - Oh, you're going nowhere, Toast. - Oh, grow up, Ray.

262. Honestly.

263. I'm serious, Toast.

264. I'm gonna kill you.

265. What?

266. I just always wondered why you walked in such a strange manner.

267. What the hell are you talking about?

268. Well, did you know you had one leg shorter than the other?

269. No, I don't!

270. Do I?

271. Afternoon, Norris.

272. Me? No. Haven't been out. Yeah, I'm a lazy bitch.

273. Must... kill... Toast.

274. Yeah. Let's meet for coffee in the morning. You can tell me

275. all about your stepson's half brother.

276. Talking of your café, whatever happened to that young artist

277. with the gorgeous arse that used to come in on a Friday?

278. Well, with an arse like that, he can do what he likes.

279. Andrew simply wants his money and I'm going to get it for him.

280. It's not rocket science.

281. - Two-minute call for Steven Toast.

282. Get out of my way!

283. Get out of my way!

284. Get out of my way! I have a concealed weapon!

285. Shit!

286. That will be our king.

287. His timing is perfect as usual.

288. Everything is in place.

289. We are all gathered in anticipation.

290. Please enter, Your Grace.

291. Get off the stage!

292. All praise him, for he is divine.

293. All praise him, for he is divine.

294. All praise him, for he is divine.

295. - All praise him, for he is divine.

296. - All praise him... This is shit!

297. - Oh, you bastard! - ... for he is divine.

298. All praise him, for he is divine.

299. All praise him, for he is divine.

300. Excuse me. Would you happen to know where the toilets are?

301. Um, yes. They're just down there on the left.

302. - Thank you so much. - All praise him, for he is divine.

303. - All praise him, for he is divine. Stupid cow!

304. - Fuck's sake! The ceremony can now begin.

305. Let our high priest step forward.

306. You can't escape Lloyd Webber, Toast.

307. This play stops until Andrew gets his money.

308. It's not rocket science.

309. You've got a fucking nerve!

310. Leaping onto the stage during another actor's play.

311. You of all people should know better than that, Ball.

312. - All right, Toast!

313. Looks like your luck has finally shit out!

314. - What's with the— - This is serious, Toast!

315. - You've never taken me seriously! - Who the fuck is this?

316. His name's Ray Purchase.

317. He's a massive idiot.

318. Shit! I'm off.

319. - Stand back. There'll be a lot of blood.

320. Yes, I have double the amount of blood in my body.

321. I know.

322. Oh dear, look out!

323. By the way, Toast... I know about you and Phoebe.

324. Who? My ex-girlfriend, Phoebe.

325. Fee-bee? Is that how you pronounce it?

326. I thought it was Fobe.

327. No. It's pronounced Fee-bee.

328. Well, you were out of the picture, Ball. She was fair game.

329. She told me she'd hooked up with some second-rate actor,

330. begging for scraps at the chip shop,

331. who I now discover finds himself appearing

332. in what is generally regarded as the worst play ever produced.

333. Too fucking right! - Ten minutes after I left.

334. Too soon, Toast. Too soon.

335. It's not rocket science.

336. - Well, if it's any consolation, Fee...? - Phoebe.

337. Phoebe! - She dumped me pretty sharpish.

338. By the way, Toast? What?

339. Could you possibly call me an ambulance?

340. I think it's too late, Ball.

341. I mean, there's a hell of a lot of blood.

342. Oh... OK.

343. Well then, could you see that my body

344. is placed in an airtight capsule and launched into outer space?

345. Aw! - It's what my fans would want.

346. Well, hang on a minute. That is rocket science.

347. Yes, Toast.

348. I rather think... it is.

349. Yes. Yes!

350. Can you believe it? What a turnaround.

351. "Experimental theater at its finest," according to The Standard.

352. It's a pity Michael Ball isn't in it every night.

353. Yes, I hate to admit it, but he still delivers the goods.

354. He died earlier today.

355. Did he? That's a shame.

356. Did they arrest Ray Purchase? There'll be enough witnesses to hang that bastard.

357. More importantly, I have good news on the Bond front. Are you sitting down?

358. Well, I'm clearly sitting down, Jane.

359. - You've got the role. - Really?

360. But I made a slight error.

361. They don't actually want you for the role of James Bond,

362. they want you for Double-Take Man.

363. - Is he a regular? - No, he fucking isn't!

364. He's just a man who looks incredulous... twice!

365. He's no more than an extra.

366. - How the fuck could you get that so wrong? Can you stop swearing?

367. The finer details must've been on the attachments and I don't read attachments.

368. - Unbelievable! - Lydia, where the hell is Toast's parcel?

369. Um, it's just on... - I know, I can see it now!

370. Ooh! It's from Lloyd Webber.

371. Tremendous news. He's taken over production of your play.

372. What does it say?

373. "Don't worry about the £20,000. Sorry I took your shoes.

374. I hope these fit nicely."

375. Oh, sweet!