Toast of London 1x5

1. The new TS4, it's the car that literally goes va-room.

2. That's great.

3. Oh, actually, Steven, before you shoot off,

4. there's a little thing that's just come in.

5. Do you mind?

6. What is it?

7. Hi, Steven.

8. This is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?

9. Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

10. We'd like you to do this charity thing for the radio.

11. It won't take a second.

12. Oh.

13. Scripts in front of you, sir.

14. Yeah, okay, I've got it. Are we rolling?

15. Yeah. Ready when you are, Steven.

16. Don't miss your opportunity to experience

17. Bon Jovi live up close and personal.

18. Okay, you've gotta understand,

19. I haven't got a clue what that means.

20. I mean, I'm guessing it's the name of some kind of pop group

21. or dance craze.

22. Spot on, Steven.

23. Also the bit underneath, Steven, when you're ready.

24. Where else could you see Bon Jovi, Madam Gaga,

25. and the Coldplay under one roof?

26. That's perfect.

27. See you again soon, yeah?

28. I sincerely hope not.

29. What the hell happened to Roy Hinock?

30. Oh, I'm afraid I had to take his picture off the wall.

31. What, because of the-

32. Yes, because of the...

33. Anyway, pastures new.

34. Ooh. Who's Sookie Houseboat?

35. Oh, she's come over from Derby.

36. I knew I'd get her in the end.

37. Things just weren't working out for her there.

38. I know how she feels.

39. Sookie Houseboat, I could do with a slice of that.

40. Haven't had as much as a sniff

41. since you-know-who cleared off.

42. I'd get stuck into that, no danger.

43. Toast, please.

44. Sorry, Jayne. Must be the hot weather.

45. Plays havoc with my blood pressure.

46. I've no interest in your carnal rumblings.

47. My brother, Blair, calls it the summer swell.

48. They seem to be wearing a lot less this season.

49. You know, I had to loosen my belt on the underground track.

50. If you carry on, I will be sick.

51. No, I will be sick.

52. So what's going on?

53. Ooh, Doctor Who.

54. You can fuck that sky high.

55. Not after last time. No way.

56. Well, that's no way to greet a fellow scientist.

57. Would you like a Jelly Baby?

58. We grow weary of your adolescent diversions, doctor.

59. Take him to the laboratory.

60. I'm sure a dissection on that brain

61. could prove very useful to us.

62. Yes.

63. I could have been anyone in that mask.

64. I felt like a top arsehole.

65. Right, well, that is it.

66. I'm not too happy at the moment, Jayne.

67. I feel like I'm in a bit of a rut here.

68. Maybe I should broaden my horizons a little.

69. The thing is, Toast, you don't actually have any horizons.

70. Well, that may be what you think Jayne Plough,

71. but there's a lot more to Steven Toast than meets the eye.

72. It's pronounced Plough, as you well know.

73. As in Brian Clough, the sportsman.

74. That's odd.

75. She seemed to be able to read my thoughts there.

76. Now bugger off, Toast. Some of us are working.

77. Now.

78. Morning, Toast. You're up early.

79. Who's that boy?

80. Not one of yours, you don't have children.

81. Apparently it's Brooklyn Beckham.

82. Brooklyn Beckham? What, Becks and Posh Spice's oldest?

83. Yes. I downloaded the image accidentally

84. about a month ago, and I can't get it off the screen.

85. Oh, I can probably help you with that.

86. Let's see.

87. Ed?

88. Garlic!

89. And there we are.

90. Oh, what's that file?

91. Another Wife For Henry by Paloma Toast.

92. It's my new novel, Ed.

93. Using a nom de plume, eh?

94. I've been working on it for some weeks.

95. I'm just pissed off with all those voiceovers

96. and appearing in that shit play.

97. I'm even thinking about getting a new agent.

98. Do you know Brooke Huberman?

99. Yes, I've heard of her.

100. David Bowie told me he was thinking of signing up with her

101. when he was doing The Elephant Man on Broadway.

102. Then he just went back to the pop scene.

103. Well, she's a hard nosed American female bastard

104. and that's exactly what I need.

105. And she's in town and she's agreed to meet me.

106. So this novel,

107. sexy is it?

108. I'd say.

109. It's a cross between Hilary Mantel's War 4

110. and Fifty Shades of Grey.

111. Oh, I've read 50 Shades.

112. Must say it's damn near my favourite book of all time.

113. It's superb.

114. And like that book, my heroin is a strong willed feminist

115. who won't be dominated by anyone.

116. So what's the story about?

117. I can read you some, if you like.

118. Oh, yes please.

119. Henry VIII placed his toothbrush beside Stephanie's.

120. His, a dashing royal blue, hers a luminous pink.

121. How harmonious they looked together

122. in the silver goblet he had given her

123. for Valentine's Day, 1541.

124. "Oh, if only we could live together," he thought,

125. remembering the time they made love in his shed

126. where the bows and arrows were stored

127. for the archery tournaments.

128. So how does it end?

129. Well, I was thinking that it may not need an end.

130. Oh, I don't think I've ever read a book without an end.

131. I'm experimenting with a new literary form.

132. So what are you gonna do with it?

133. Sort of, send it out to potential publishers?

134. Already done.

135. And the fact that it doesn't have an end,

136. I think will work in my favour.

137. I am very excited about this.

138. Any replies from the publishers?

139. None, but I'm hoping Huberman will give it a good push.

140. Good for you, Toast.

141. Things are picking up at last.

142. I think they are, Ed.

143. And I'm gonna tell her that I see myself

144. very much at the peak of my career.

145. I can honestly say I've never acted better in my life.

146. There's always openings in Hollywood for British actors,

147. butlers and chauffeurs, and that kind of shit.

148. That's what I like to hear.

149. Sorry about having to meet you in a car.

150. My office isn't quite ready yet.

151. I'm also about to embark on a complimentary career

152. as a novelist.

153. I understand you have strong contacts in the literary world.

154. I do actually know a publisher called Yvonne Riley.

155. Had a bit of a nervous breakdown due to over work,

156. but she's back.

157. If she likes a book, she really gets behind it.

158. Does this mean you're taking me on as a client?

159. Do you have representation at the moment?

160. I'm with someone who's basically as old as the pyramids

161. and as dynamic as a weather forecast.

162. Sorry, it's an old friend of mine, Jayne Plough.

163. Do you know her?

164. And if I'm honest, it was bloody embarrassing,

165. but she said she wouldn't tell Jayne.

166. Who is Jayne again?

167. Jayne is my agent.

168. You're some kind of actor?

169. I'm not a kind of actor. I am an actor.

170. Sorry, my name's Toast, Steven Toast.

171. Hello Toast. I'm Kate, Kate Khan.

172. Kate?

173. Kate's in my top 20 of favourite female names.

174. Number 18, actually.

175. I love a sing-a-long, don't you?

176. Yes.

177. Why don't you have a go?

178. No, I don't normally sing, but there is one song

179. I'm told I perform particularly well.

180. Sing it. Go on, get me a drink and then sing the song.

181. What will you have?

182. Vodka and Coke.

183. Ian, could you get the lady a vodka and Coke, please?

184. I'd like to dedicate this next song

185. to a beautiful lady in the audience called Kate.

186. This is an old song about London.

187. Hop it, old timer.

188. Steven, this is my aunt, Dipa.

189. Ah, nice to meet you.

190. Hope you don't mind if she sits there.

191. No.

192. I enjoyed that. It was unusual.

193. That's another string to my bow.

194. What's the deal with your aunt?

195. Oh, she likes these nights out.

196. Unfortunately, she's deaf and blind,

197. also has a slight limp.

198. My mother usually cares for her, but one month every year

199. I come to London and give mum a bit of a break.

200. So she's deaf, blind, and with a bit of a limp?

201. Something of a fiasco, one might say.

202. Would you like to go to a club.

203. A club?

204. Yeah, there's a club I go to around here.

205. Do you like dancing?

206. Of course.

207. Come on, let's have some fun.

208. - Oh, yes. - Ooh!

209. Yes, that's good.

210. Oh, I like that. Come on.

211. You don't mind me wearing my sports vest?

212. No.

213. What's wrong?

214. Are you sure she can't hear or see anything?

215. No, I told you, she's deaf and blind.

216. It's a little odd though, isn't it?

217. Why? She doesn't know what's going on.

218. Well does she have to be in the bedroom?

219. Yes, I can keep an eye on her here.

220. And honestly, she's completely oblivious to this.

221. - Yes? - Yes.

222. - Oh, yeah. - Ooh.

223. - Oh, come on. - Ooh.

224. Oh, you like that, don't you?

225. Yeah. Lucky you.

226. - Lucky me! - Yeah.

227. Oh, give it to me! Ooh!

228. Come in.

229. Steven Toast.

230. Wow.

231. What?

232. What a book.

233. Oh, thank you.

234. It's seriously one of the best things I have ever read.

235. I think it's actually much sexier than 50 Shades

236. and just much better than any of Mantel's books.

237. I mean, I love Hilary.

238. She's one of my best friends,

239. but can she write strong female characters?

240. I don't think so.

241. But you've created this incredible strong willed,

242. believable, independent woman.

243. She's amazing.

244. And you're not concerned she's a columnist

245. with a left-wing newspaper?

246. Not in the slightest.

247. Okay, they probably didn't have newspapers like The Guardian

248. in the 16th century,

249. and they didn't have columnists like Stephanie.

250. That's her name, isn't it?

251. Yes, Stephanie Dosquasa.

252. But who cares?

253. We're just gonna go with it,

254. 'cause the character is so brilliant.

255. She doesn't take any shit from Henry VIII.

256. Totally in control of that situation

257. and obviously the dominant sexual partner.

258. Yeah, well that was very important for me

259. when I was writing it.

260. Well, we are so excited about this here.

261. We just put this together.

262. Where the hell did you find that photograph of me?

263. Oh, it's a collage portrait

264. put together by the art department.

265. First, I should say, it's not right, we can do much better.

266. But the size is correct?

267. No, but listen, this is the most important part.

268. Major ads in all the trade papers,

269. heavy TV and cinema advertising.

270. We are really gonna sell this book

271. because we believe in it so much.

272. I can see this being quite seriously,

273. the biggest book of all time.

274. And I hate hyperbole, I hate all that bullshit

275. and I see it all the time,

276. but this book really is that good.

277. Oh, I'm glad you like it as much as I do.

278. Publicity are planning a massive celebratory lunch.

279. There's a possibility we can get Obama along to it.

280. Ooh, top notch!

281. Can I ask you, Steven, do you have a wife or partner?

282. Well, I'm having sex with an Indian lady, which is great,

283. but it is complicated by the presence of a third-party.

284. Because we can organise

285. getting an A-list Hollywood actress along

286. to accompany you on the day.

287. Yes, I'd like that very much.

288. I'll contact Brooke about the sums involved here.

289. Obviously we're talking millions,

290. but I don't wanna even discuss that with you now

291. because the book isn't quite finished.

292. Um...

293. It needs an end.

294. Well, I was thinking

295. I could get away without having an end.

296. No, no, absolutely not.

297. Who told you that? Ben Elton?

298. Who?

299. Having an end is very important,

300. we need to know what happens to Stephanie.

301. But don't worry, you could tie up the whole thing

302. in a few paragraphs, maybe even a sentence or two.

303. But it does need an end.

304. All right, I'll try and think of one.

305. And thank you, Steven,

306. for writing the greatest book of all time.

307. Yes!

308. Henry VIII felt hot that day

309. and not just because the sun was beaming down

310. on the ramparts of Hampton Court Palace.

311. Stephanie began to undress slowly before her monarch.

312. Henry responded by loosening some of his heavy armour.

313. Oh, I like that, Toast.

314. That's got me going. Come on.

315. Oh, yes. Ooh.

316. Oh, yes.

317. This is great sex. Absolutely superb stuff.

318. Oh, you're certainly delivering the goods today, Toast.

319. That's 'cause I'm in a good mood.

320. Your aunt seems to be filming us making love.

321. Oh, come on, Toast. She's just playing with her phone.

322. I told you she can't hear or see anything.

323. Well, if she's deaf and blind, why does she need a camera?

324. Oh, get real, Toast.

325. Every phone has a camera these days.

326. Oh. Oh that was lovely.

327. Excuse me for a moment. I need to go to the bathroom.

328. I wonder if you really can't see or hear.

329. Hey!

330. You there!

331. Yeah.

332. Ooh.

333. Bet you've not seen anything like this for a while,

334. have you?

335. What are you doing to Aunt Dipa?

336. Ah, still working on the novel, Toast?

337. You must be nearly finished if you don't need an end.

338. Well, looks like it may need an end after all.

339. Publisher lady thinks it's crucial.

340. "What happens to Stephanie Dosquasa?"

341. It's a tough nut to crack.

342. I'm sure it's easy enough to think of an end.

343. You could kill everyone.

344. I need to get out of here, clear my head.

345. Good thinking, Toast.

346. I'm sure you'll definitely, definitely

347. be able to think of something.

348. Definitely.

349. How the shit am I gonna end this book?

350. How about, "This'll cure the toothache

351. out of Stephanie Dosquasa,

352. as the executioner raised an impressive axe. The end."

353. Well that might work.

354. "As the sun went down over Hampton Court Palace,

355. Henry watched the starship containing Stephanie Dosquasa

356. zoom vertically up into outer space."

357. Could be popular with the young set.

358. "'What a perfect day,' Stephanie thought to herself

359. as she pulled up her wedding dress, undid her flies

360. and urinated into the urinal. The end."

361. These are awful.

362. Writers block? Writers cock more like.

363. 180! You're on form today, Dipa.

364. Dipa?

365. Dipa, Dipa.

366. Do you want to have a pint now?

367. Of course

368. Oi!

369. Oh, fuck.

370. Oh, you'd better go, Dave.

371. I bloody knew it.

372. All this not hearing and seeing stuff.

373. Total bullshit, am I right?

374. Look, I was deaf and blind,

375. but last year I went to the holy temple in India

376. and received a miracle cure.

377. I didn't tell anyone,

378. 'cause I didn't want to lose my benefits.

379. So you're a benefits cheat?

380. You know, it's because of people like you,

381. that the membership of the UK Independence Party

382. has gone up twelvefold.

383. Don't tell everyone.

384. Oh, I will. I will.

385. In fact, officer, stop that woman! She's a benefits cheat!

386. Well, go on!

387. This is a routine fire drill.

388. Would everybody in the library please leave the building?

389. This is a routine fire drill.

390. This is a routine fire drill.

391. I've got it, Ed.

392. What?

393. An end. I've got the end to my novel.

394. _ I see. Oh, well done.

395. It's truly inspired. I'm very pleased with it.

396. Come on then, do tell.

397. What happens to the fair and feisty Stephanie Dosquasa?

398. Spontaneous combustion.

399. Spontaneous combustion?

400. Yes.

401. Stephanie Dosquasa spontaneously combusts?

402. You must be fucking joking.

403. It's a ridiculous cop out.

404. Is the end of Moby-Dick,

405. the whale, spontaneously combusting?

406. Did J. K. Rowling have Harry Potter

407. bursting into flames to tie up her series

408. of seven hugely successful novels?

409. People can spontaneously combust, it's on the internet.

410. No they can't.

411. Yes they can.

412. Though rare, there have been exactly 200 documented cases.

413. It's totally unbelievable.

414. To think I offered you the sun, moon and stars

415. and this is the best ending you can think of.

416. I had a nervous breakdown

417. and I come back to work after six months

418. and have to deal with this shit.

419. And I'll tell you something else, you little prick,

420. if I ever...

421. Well, that's not gonna help my book.

422. She was just saying how completely unbelievable it would be

423. for someone to spontaneously combust, and then bang.

424. I mean, it was the definition of irony.

425. Irony writ, very large.

426. Yes, I guess we'll never know

427. what causes spontaneous combustion.

428. It's one of the great mysteries, like the moon landings.

429. Excuse me.

430. Toast.

431. Ah! Well, that is promising.

432. All the best.

433. Who was that, Toast?

434. Brooke Huberman.

435. Apparently, a Hollywood film producer

436. called Dinky Frinkbuster wants to meet.

437. Hollywood producer, eh?

438. Oh, that's impressive.

439. Must be staying somewhere like Claridge's,

440. or The Dorchester.

441. I expect so.

442. Make yourself comfortable, Toast.

443. You wanna banana?

444. No, I'm good.

445. So, what's this movie about, Frinkbuster?

446. Well, it's about a couple of lesbian lovers, right?

447. And they get kinda bored of lesbian sex,

448. so one goes out with this big Black body builder.

449. The other one stays at home, lying in the sun,

450. until a hunky British guy comes by to clean out the pool.

451. Okay. So, I need to get the overall picture.

452. What would you say the theme of the film is?

453. What do you mean, theme?

454. So I'm playing the British pool cleaner?

455. Yeah.

456. So what's my relationship with the girl?

457. Well, you just fuck her.

458. Well, that sounds like it could be a porn film.

459. Look, I've seen your work.

460. What?

461. Hope we're not at crossed purposes here.

462. Oh, this is great sex.

463. Absolutely superb stuff.

464. Oh, you've certainly delivered the goods today.

465. That's 'cause I'm in a good mood.

466. Haven't you seen that?

467. That's outrageous.

468. Got half a million hits.

469. That Indian lady with the sunglasses,

470. is not a professional filmmaker.

471. She's a benefits fraudster.

472. Well, suit yourself.

473. Hold your horses, don't turn it off.

474. How many hits?

475. Half a mill.

476. Is that good?

477. You're a superstar.

478. Lucky you! Lucky me!

479. Ha, you are lucky.

480. She sure is.

481. Toast, you fucking snake!

482. Going behind my back with all that secret squirrel stuff.

483. Sit up straight when I'm talking to you.

484. I asked her not to tell you.

485. Brooke and I are very old friends.

486. Of course she's gonna tell me

487. if one of my clients is trying to jump ship,

488. you fucking idiot.

489. Well, nothing materialised-

490. You do have some ridiculous ideas, don't you?

491. Hollywood films, novel writing.

492. I'm this close to taking your picture off my wall.

493. Oh, come on, Jayne.

494. I shall think about this tonight

495. and let you know my decision in the morning.

496. Be near to the studio at 10 o'clock.

497. Buzz...

498. Buzz...

499. Buzz...

500. Buzz

501. Look, I'm gonna need some direction.

502. Which bee am I meant to be?