1. Up periscope.Copy !req
2. Down periscope.Copy !req
3. Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango.Copy !req
4. - What, the work experience boy?
- Yeah, can you hear me, Steven?Copy !req
5. Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
Where's that other prick?Copy !req
6. Danny? He's DJing
at a music festival this weekend.Copy !req
7. Yeah, just to be clear,Copy !req
8. so these'll be heard
on every submarine in the Royal Navy?Copy !req
9. Yeah, they're just automating
and digitising everything, you know.Copy !req
10. The commander presses a button,Copy !req
11. and the recording of your voice
will be heard...Copy !req
12. Yeah, I'm not interested in all that.
Can we just crack on?Copy !req
13. Fire the nuclear weapons!Copy !req
14. Steven, that was good,Copy !req
15. but do you think
you could give it another try,Copy !req
16. this time say it
in a less alarming way?Copy !req
17. Less alarming?Copy !req
18. I've just given the order
to fire the nuclear weapons.Copy !req
19. I've just unleashed Armageddon!Copy !req
20. Yes, but the feeling here
is that you could do it in a wayCopy !req
21. which is a little less dramatic.Copy !req
22. It's just a little bit over the top
at the moment. Have fun with it.Copy !req
23. Fire the nuclear weapons!Copy !req
24. That was a little bit too far
the other way, a bit too, um... jolly.Copy !req
25. You know, why don't you
just try it a few more times?Copy !req
26. Fire the nuclear weapons!Copy !req
27. Fire the nuclear weapons!Copy !req
28. Fire... the nuclear weapons!Copy !req
29. Fire the nuclear weapons!Copy !req
30. Fire the nuclear weapons!Copy !req
31. Yeah!
Ripped By mstollCopy !req
32. Do you want to move on to the next one,
Steven? You can come back to that later.Copy !req
33. Abandon the vessel immediately.Copy !req
34. So, they put the lot of them out in the
field and they started eating grass.Copy !req
35. Sorry, Ed, I don't understand.
You don't eat grass, you smoke it.Copy !req
36. Not if you're a cow.Copy !req
37. Oh! Sorry. I thought you were talking
about the Rolling Stones.Copy !req
38. No.Copy !req
39. Day off, Toast?Copy !req
40. Yes. I'm meeting Portia de Coogan.Copy !req
41. - The nurse?
- Yeah.Copy !req
42. Strange career choice for the daughter
of Lord Fotheringham.Copy !req
43. - Who's he?
- He's very close to Cameron.Copy !req
44. Looks in line for a top job
at the next Cabinet reshuffle.Copy !req
45. He's come a long way since being
a producer at Radio 1 in the '70s.Copy !req
46. Portia's definitely my type. We have
exactly the same sense of humour.Copy !req
47. I told her a joke last week.
She found it extremely amusing!Copy !req
48. Did she laugh heartily?Copy !req
49. No. She doesn't show
any external signs of enjoyment.Copy !req
50. But I know she finds me very funny
and great company.Copy !req
51. ♪ She was a girl of the forestCopy !req
52. Whoa, Ed! That's really loud!Copy !req
53. How do you think lain Duncan Smith
is doing at Work and Pensions?Copy !req
54. Sorry, Toast. I shouldn't talk politics
at the breakfast table.Copy !req
55. You know, I met Thatcher once,
at Lionel Blair's house.Copy !req
56. Surprised to see her drink
Heineken from a can.Copy !req
57. You know, when I started courting my wife,
she used to dress up as Mrs Thatcher.Copy !req
58. The blue twinset.Copy !req
59. Slowly undoing her buttons to reveal...Copy !req
60. no-nonsense M&S underwear.Copy !req
61. Mm.Copy !req
62. Yours truly relishing the role
of the blimpish Denis...Copy !req
63. obeying her every command.Copy !req
64. Ever interested
in anything like that, Toast?Copy !req
65. - Powerful women?
- Mm.Copy !req
66. Maybe in uniform?Copy !req
67. - Ah.
- You all right, Toast?Copy !req
68. Sorry, Ed. I must have drifted off there.Copy !req
69. Toast, I'm a little uncomfortable here.Copy !req
70. I don't think I should be
wearing my nurse's uniform.Copy !req
71. - But you're a nurse.
- Yes, but...Copy !req
72. And you've just come off the night shift.Copy !req
73. I should have gone home and changed.Copy !req
74. No. That would have been
a massive waste of time.Copy !req
75. Look, we'll have a couple of drinks here
then maybe go and see a film.Copy !req
76. How about a comedy? I love to laugh.Copy !req
77. Toast, I've been meaning to talk to you.Copy !req
78. - You're talking to me now.
- Yes.Copy !req
79. It's about the sense of humour issue.Copy !req
80. I have a terrific sense of humour.
It's just very dry.Copy !req
81. Often mistaken for having
no sense of humour at all,Copy !req
82. much like Mandelson,
or Nigel Mansell.Copy !req
83. - Who?
- Same as my father before me.Copy !req
84. And my aunts. You know, my family
were known as the dry Toasts.Copy !req
85. Really?Copy !req
86. Ellen, my soon to be ex-wife,Copy !req
87. thought I literally couldn't see the funny
side of anything. She's quite wrong.Copy !req
88. It's just very, very dry.Copy !req
89. I think it's about time you met my father.Copy !req
90. He has the most wonderful
sense of humour,Copy !req
91. and it's very important
that you laugh at his jokes.Copy !req
92. But you may not be able to tell
what is a joke and what isn't.Copy !req
93. Well, maybe if you tell me
what his jokes were beforehand,Copy !req
94. then I'd know when to laugh.Copy !req
95. Well, Father doesn't write actual
jokes for his conversations.Copy !req
96. He tends to be more spontaneous.Copy !req
97. He just may make, for example,Copy !req
98. well, an off-the-cuff remark
about Boris Johnson,Copy !req
99. - and you'll have to laugh at it.
- OK.Copy !req
100. So, he mentions Boris JohnsonCopy !req
101. - and I'll laugh.
- No.Copy !req
102. But he may mention Boris Johnson
not in the context of a joke.Copy !req
103. Well, how's that possible?Copy !req
104. Listen.Copy !req
105. I have a friend of a friend.Copy !req
106. Mm-hm!Copy !req
107. He's a stand-up comedianCopy !req
108. - called Russell House.
- Oh.Copy !req
109. In order for us to keep seeing each other,
you need to be a little funnier.Copy !req
110. I asked Russell to e-mail me
some funny linesCopy !req
111. and amusing quips that you could try out.Copy !req
112. "I'm going up to Edinburgh next
month. I've been so busy.Copy !req
113. "But I think
there's some good stuff here."Copy !req
114. Yeah, I could try something like that.Copy !req
115. Anything with a Scots reference
is usually quite funny.Copy !req
116. No, no, that's just the first line
of the e-mail to me.Copy !req
117. That's not a joke.Copy !req
118. - Did you think that was a joke?
- No.Copy !req
119. - Toast.
- Dubbing request just in.Copy !req
120. Bloody hell, Jane! It's my day off!Copy !req
121. They just need you to do some more
voice-overs for the nuclear submarine.Copy !req
122. I thought I'd finished all that
"up periscope, down periscope" jazz.Copy !req
123. They just need a few additions.Copy !req
124. They are paying you
handsomely for this, Toast.Copy !req
125. It's the Ministry of Defence.Copy !req
126. Cobra, to be precise.Copy !req
127. One doesn't say no to Cobra.Copy !req
128. Well, how long will I be there?Copy !req
129. Oh, they're complete perfectionists,
the Royal Navy.Copy !req
130. I'd say about... three-and-a-half hours.Copy !req
131. Hm.Copy !req
132. Oh, God.Copy !req
133. Yes, please.Copy !req
134. Bloody hell.Copy !req
135. Stay where you are, Portia de Coogan.
I'll be right back.Copy !req
136. - Well, how long will you be?
- Three-and-a-half hours.Copy !req
137. OK, Steven, thanks for coming in at such
a short notice. Really appreciate it.Copy !req
138. You ready to go? In your own time.Copy !req
139. Disem...Copy !req
140. bark.Copy !req
141. - Sorry, I'll do that again.
- No, that's fine.Copy !req
142. What?Copy !req
143. That's fine, Steven. You got it in one.Copy !req
144. I coughed halfway through it.Copy !req
145. Did... didn't notice anything. I...Copy !req
146. That's perfect, Steven. We've got all the
voice-overs. Now you're free to go.Copy !req
147. What, so that's it?Copy !req
148. They told me I'd be here
for three-and-a-half hours.Copy !req
149. I broke into a romantic date for this.Copy !req
150. I could be in the cinema
laughing my arse off!Copy !req
151. Well, you're free now, Steven.
That's all we need.Copy !req
152. Yeah? Well, fuck you three!Copy !req
153. Steven!Copy !req
154. Blair, what the hell are you doing here?
Is that a new hand?Copy !req
155. Oh, yes. Usual one's getting fixed.Copy !req
156. Toby told me you were doing
more voice-overs for the submarine.Copy !req
157. Called the studio.
They said you'd be here.Copy !req
158. What's that got to do with you?
And who the hell is Toby?Copy !req
159. Do you mean the vice commander
of the sub, second in charge?Copy !req
160. The Navy is his whole life.Copy !req
161. He's the complete opposite of the kind of
pinko long-hairs you run with.Copy !req
162. He's immensely proud of this submarine.
She's been completely refurbished.Copy !req
163. Almost everything is run by computers.Copy !req
164. The only thing they physically have to doCopy !req
165. is put out the rubbish
when they dock in port.Copy !req
166. - So, who's the new commander?
- What?Copy !req
167. - Who's the new commander?Copy !req
168. I'm Commander Susan Scott-Gorham.
Is one of you gentlemen Steven Toast?Copy !req
169. I am the Steven Toast that you require.
This is my brother Blair.Copy !req
170. Well, I wanted to let you knowCopy !req
171. how much we appreciate
your voice-over work on this.Copy !req
172. Well, it's very good of you to come.Copy !req
173. We're all very proud of our newly
refurbished submarine, the Penetrator.Copy !req
174. Penetrator? Mm, that's a great name.Copy !req
175. Surprised it hasn't been taken already.Copy !req
176. In Equity, there was another actor
called Steven Toast,Copy !req
177. so he had to change his name
to Chris Bread.Copy !req
178. Crisp Bread?Copy !req
179. No, Chris Bread.Copy !req
180. Should have been you who changed
your name. The disgrace!Copy !req
181. A Toast in the acting game.Copy !req
182. You must come to the relaunch.
It's tomorrow afternoon.Copy !req
183. Steven is in a play here in London.Copy !req
184. - I'm afraid he won't be able to.
- I'd love to.Copy !req
185. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will be
in attendance. Do you know them?Copy !req
186. I'm afraid I don't know
any of the minor royals.Copy !req
187. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are
Prince William and Kate Middleton.Copy !req
188. Oh, yes. By... by minor royals,
I meant royals that aren't the Queen.Copy !req
189. Well, I hope you both can come.
Good day, gentlemen.Copy !req
190. Can you believe someone like that
is commanding a royal submarine?Copy !req
191. You know, a strumpet like that
can just waltz in, get the top job.Copy !req
192. It's your lot at the Guardian.Copy !req
193. Political correctness
gone off the bloody scale!Copy !req
194. She seems perfectly capable to me.Copy !req
195. A girl in charge of our nuclear sub?Copy !req
196. Might as well hand it overCopy !req
197. - to the Monty Python team!
- Who?Copy !req
198. Oh, I haven't got time to sit here talking
nonsense with you in this bugger house!Copy !req
199. I'm off!Copy !req
200. Mm.Copy !req
201. - Oh, God.Copy !req
202. Ah.Copy !req
203. You'd forgotten your hat.Copy !req
204. Shit.Copy !req
205. Ah, there she is.Copy !req
206. - Oh, God.Copy !req
207. Cocoa time.Copy !req
208. - Yeah, just put it there.
- Ah.Copy !req
209. Letter came for you.
I put it downstairs on the table.Copy !req
210. Yes, I got it. Nice royalty cheque from
that TV miniseries I did a few years ago.Copy !req
211. - Which?
- The prequel to Brideshead Revisited.Copy !req
212. - Oh, yes. What was that called?
- Brideshead.Copy !req
213. - Of course.
- So...Copy !req
214. how are you getting on with Portia?Copy !req
215. She wants me to meet her father.Copy !req
216. Apparently the old bugger's
got some fondness for jokesCopy !req
217. and Portia's very keen
that I'm amusing in his company.Copy !req
218. - So, you need some jokes, do you?
- Not jokes as such.Copy !req
219. Well, maybe little things to sayCopy !req
220. - so that people think you're fun.
- Well, such as?Copy !req
221. You know, simple phrases taxi drivers use.Copy !req
222. Like, "I believe you, thousands wouldn't."Copy !req
223. Um..."What can I do you for?" as opposed
to "What can I do for you?"Copy !req
224. - No.
- Don't give up the day job.Copy !req
225. - That's very useful when you...
- No, Ed.Copy !req
226. They're not jokes as such.
They're just little things to say.Copy !req
227. Yes, probably fine in the hands of taxi
drivers or Cockneys or even Geordies.Copy !req
228. But if I was to say anything like that,
people would think I was fucking crackers.Copy !req
229. Or maybe you could try something like,Copy !req
230. when somebody says to you,
"Didn't I see you on telly last night?"Copy !req
231. You say, "I hope it wasn't Crimewatch."Copy !req
232. I don't get it.Copy !req
233. When someone says, "Didn't I see you
on telly last night?"Copy !req
234. And then you say, "I hope it wasn't
Crimewatch UK", and they say...Copy !req
235. No, just Crimewatch.
The UK ruins it cos the rhythm...Copy !req
236. Yeah, don't waste your time, Ed.
It's not gonna work.Copy !req
237. Sleep well, Toast.Copy !req
238. Have you actually seen the royal couple?Copy !req
239. - William and Kate?
- Mm.Copy !req
240. Yes, I was just chatting to them.Copy !req
241. It transpires that none of us
has ever had to change a duvet cover.Copy !req
242. Ah! Ha!Copy !req
243. Well, of course,
Toby is related to the happy couple.Copy !req
244. On the, er... right side, I should add.Copy !req
245. - My father is the Queen's fifth cousin.
- Wonderful.Copy !req
246. Drink, Toby?Copy !req
247. No, I'm sorry to be frightfully boring,
but, er... still on duty. Better not.Copy !req
248. Yeah, yeah, course, course.Copy !req
249. Anyone seen the commander around?Copy !req
250. Actually I haven't seen her today, no.Copy !req
251. Excuse me a few moments.
I have some things to take care of.Copy !req
252. Yes, yes, of course.Copy !req
253. Why the hell did you mention
that bloody woman?Copy !req
254. Must be killing him that a tart like herCopy !req
255. should be in charge of this
magnificent vessel.Copy !req
256. Of course, if he was an Afro-Caribbean
lesbian running the Notting Hill Carnival,Copy !req
257. he'd be in charge
of the entire bloody Navy by now.Copy !req
258. Do you know, I've never
been on a submarine before?Copy !req
259. I might go for a bit of a wander.
Might bump into the commander.Copy !req
260. Don't stray into any unauthorised areas.Copy !req
261. Hm.Copy !req
262. - Ooh.
Toast!Copy !req
263. I'm surprised to see you here.Copy !req
264. I did the voice-over
for the submarine, remember.Copy !req
265. Oh, yes. Well, this is my father,
Lord Fotheringham.Copy !req
266. Father, this is Steven Toast!Copy !req
267. - Sorry?Copy !req
268. - What's that?
- It's just a low grumble.Copy !req
269. Ah. Er... it's nice to meet you at last.Copy !req
270. Er... Portia tells me you have
a terrific sense of humour.Copy !req
271. Much like myself.Copy !req
272. What are you doing
in an unauthorised area?Copy !req
273. Hm. Well, I might ask youCopy !req
274. the same question.Copy !req
275. I'm the Minister of Defence.Copy !req
276. - Really?
- There was a reshuffle this morning.Copy !req
277. Is Duncan Smith
still at Work and Pensions?Copy !req
278. How about Boris Johnson for the top job?Copy !req
279. I said, Boris Johnson.Copy !req
280. I have to leave now.Copy !req
281. Yes. Father is giving a speech.
Are you coming?Copy !req
282. Is that the commander's hat?Copy !req
283. Er... yes, she must have dropped it.
She's around here somewhere.Copy !req
284. What the hell are you up to, Toast?Copy !req
285. - Steven?Copy !req
286. Oh! Oh. You haven't seen
the commander, have you?Copy !req
287. I wonder, could I have a quick word?
Something I want to talk to you about.Copy !req
288. Won't take a second. This way.Copy !req
289. - Care for a brandy?
- A brandy? Er... yes, please.Copy !req
290. You're not having one yourself?Copy !req
291. - Still on duty.
- Oh, of course.Copy !req
292. - Bottoms up!
- So...Copy !req
293. Blair tells me you're in show business.Copy !req
294. Well, yes, I'm an actor.Copy !req
295. Well, the Navy must
seem frightfully stuffyCopy !req
296. for someone who's used to hanging around
with people like... Benedict Cumberbatch.Copy !req
297. - Who?
- Listen.Copy !req
298. There aren't too many people in the Navy
I'd be able to discuss this with,Copy !req
299. but someone in your field
may be a tad more... understanding.Copy !req
300. - Fire away.
- Well...Copy !req
301. one night, about a month ago,Copy !req
302. I was driving from Portsmouth
to Cowes, along a back road,Copy !req
303. when I saw a strange light in the sky...Copy !req
304. Right.Copy !req
305. and I began to realise
that it was some sort of craft...Copy !req
306. and then a door in the side of
the craft suddenly openedCopy !req
307. and strange alien-like creatures
began to emerge.Copy !req
308. Well, at that point I suddenly passed out,Copy !req
309. and the next thing I remember was waking
up with the distinct impressionCopy !req
310. that the aliens had inserted
some sort of anal probe...Copy !req
311. I was also left with the convictionCopy !req
312. that they expected me
to carry out some sort of task.Copy !req
313. They wanted me to launch a nuclear attack
against the United States of America.Copy !req
314. Could I have another brandy?Copy !req
315. Do.Copy !req
316. Forgive me for talking about this, Toast.Copy !req
317. I've only revealed it to you
because you're an actor.Copy !req
318. Imagine trying to explain this
to the Minister of Defence.Copy !req
319. Especially the new one.Copy !req
320. - Fotheringham?
- Yes.Copy !req
321. Although I don't think
he'll be around for too long.Copy !req
322. Very strong rumours about that he's going
to be arrested for misdemeanours...Copy !req
323. at the BBC.Copy !req
324. - Really?
- The aliens chose meCopy !req
325. because I have access to nuclear weapons
on this submarine.Copy !req
326. So, you plan to go through
with this attack?Copy !req
327. Oh, yes.Copy !req
328. The commander has the special codes that
need to be activated to launch an attack,Copy !req
329. so I've tied her up
and stuck her in the hold.Copy !req
330. All I need to do is persuade her
to hand them over.Copy !req
331. Maybe you could help me with that as well.Copy !req
332. Look, if I'm honest, I think you are...Copy !req
333. - Hm.Copy !req
334. You will help, won't you, Steven?Copy !req
335. Yes!Copy !req
336. All right, Commander,
I'm sorry to have to break rank like this,Copy !req
337. but I need to have those codes.Copy !req
338. Sorry, just before you do that,
could I just...Copy !req
339. - Ah.
- Are you in on this too?Copy !req
340. We're all in on this - me,
Vice Commander Hopkinson-FinchCopy !req
341. and the aliens from the planet
A-ah-ah-ah-ah!Copy !req
342. Have they been in contact
with you as well?Copy !req
343. What?Copy !req
344. Look, just give him the codes.
I've got to be at the theatre at 7.30.Copy !req
345. I need a direct order
from the Prime Minister!Copy !req
346. Oh, the aliens have been
in touch with the Prime Minister.Copy !req
347. I'm expecting a phone call any minute.
Just give me the codes.Copy !req
348. Look, you give me the codes
and I'll write them down.Copy !req
349. Oh.Copy !req
350. OK, er...Copy !req
351. 6. 14.Copy !req
352. - Um...
- Ooh! I don't have a pen.Copy !req
353. No, um...Copy !req
354. Help!Copy !req
355. Ooh!Copy !req
356. Help!Copy !req
357. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
official relaunch of the Penetrator.Copy !req
358. It gives me great pleasure on my very
first day as Defence MinisterCopy !req
359. to launch this
magnificently refurbished vessel.Copy !req
360. Help!Copy !req
361. I don't suppose you fancy going
for a drink some time, do you?Copy !req
362. Uh!Copy !req
363. Up periscope.Copy !req
364. Down periscope.Copy !req
365. - Launch the nuclear weapons.Copy !req
366. - Abandon the vessel.
- Sorry.Copy !req
367. Help!Copy !req
368. The rubbish has been unloaded.Copy !req
369. Afternoon tea is being served.Copy !req
370. Please keep your belongings
with you at all times.Copy !req
371. Remember to wash your hands
after handling the torpedoes.Copy !req
372. Disem...Copy !req
373. bark.Copy !req
374. OK.Copy !req
375. I assured the Prime Minister
that I would not be all at sea.Copy !req
376. Ooh!Copy !req
377. But I've come an awfully long way since
those pioneering days at BBC Radio 1.Copy !req
378. At that time,Copy !req
379. - I was...Copy !req
380. mainly concerned with airwaves,Copy !req
381. not the kind of waves
that we're surrounded by today.Copy !req
382. Ha!Copy !req
383. - Yes.Copy !req
384. 40 years ago...Copy !req
385. how society has changed.Copy !req
386. But one thing remains unchanged.Copy !req
387. The commitment of the Government to
the men and women of the Royal Navy,Copy !req
388. who do such a valuable jobCopy !req
389. as Britain faces the challenges
of an uncertain and dangerous world.Copy !req
390. - Lord Fotheringham?
- Yes?Copy !req
391. We need you to come
to the station with us.Copy !req
392. There have been some complaints
from female staff at the BBCCopy !req
393. dating back to the 1970s.Copy !req
394. The 1970s?Copy !req
395. That's ages ago.Copy !req
396. What are you standing around for?Copy !req
397. There's a crazed alien nut job in there,
waving a piece at the commander!Copy !req
398. Officers! I've managed
to overpower the vice commanderCopy !req
399. and he's under lock and key in the hold.Copy !req
400. - Sorry? What's this about?
The vice commander.Copy !req
401. He was threatening to take over
the vessel and launch a nuclear strike.Copy !req
402. Don't know anything about that,
I'm afraid.Copy !req
403. Oi!Copy !req
404. You don't have to chase him too, Toast!Copy !req
405. I'm not chasing him!
I have to be at the theatre at 7.30.Copy !req
406. - Good God, Toast!
- Your brother...Copy !req
407. - Hm?
wants to meet me for a drink.Copy !req
408. You know, he really was
quite impressive back there.Copy !req
409. Well, perhaps he's considering
a career in the services,Copy !req
410. even if it is only the Navy.Copy !req
411. Well, his acting,Copy !req
412. when he pretended to play along
with the vice commander's wishes,Copy !req
413. was highly effective.Copy !req
414. He's clearly a very capable performer.Copy !req
415. As long as he stays away from comedy.
He has absolutely no sense of humour.Copy !req
416. Well, funny you should say that.Copy !req
417. Did you know our family
were known as the dry Toasts?Copy !req
418. - Yes, I do know that.
- Right.Copy !req
419. Well, I suppose the services' loss
is the theatre's gain.Copy !req
420. Get off!Copy !req
421. Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace!Copy !req
422. Disgrace! Disgrace!
Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace!Copy !req
423. - You should be ashamed of yourself!
Ripped By mstollCopy !req