Toast of London 1x4

Directed by

Adrian Lukis as Blair Toast • Lisa Jackson as Portia de Coogan

Toast's new girlfriend, the aristocratic Portia de Coogan, thinks it's about time Toast met her father, Lord Fotheringham. To make the best impression, it's vital Toast works on his non-existent sense of humour. Professionally, some voiceover work for the Royal Navy leads to a terrifying visit to the launch of their latest submarine - The Penetrator.

Request examples:

!req Toast of London 1x4 [02:32]
!req Toast of London 1x4 [Toast of London 1x4]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Toast of London 1x4 [10-11]; !req Toast of London 1x4 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Up periscope.

2. Down periscope.

3. Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango.

4. - What, the work experience boy? - Yeah, can you hear me, Steven?

5. Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango. Where's that other prick?

6. Danny? He's DJing at a music festival this weekend.

7. Yeah. Just to be clear...

8. So, these will be heard on every submarine in the Royal Navy?

9. Yeah, they're automating and digitizing everything.

10. The commander presses a button and your voice recording will be heard—

11. Yeah, I'm not interested in all that. Can we just crack on?

12. Fire the nuclear weapons.

13. Steven, that was good.

14. But could you give it another try? This time say it in a less alarming way.

15. Less alarming?

16. I've just given the order to fire the nuclear weapons.

17. - I've just unleashed Armageddon. - But the feeling here is

18. that you could do it in a way that's a little less dramatic.

19. It's a little bit over the top at the moment. Have fun with it.

20. Fire the nuclear weapons.

21. That was a little bit too far the other way. A bit too jolly.

22. Why don't you just try it a few more times?

23. Fire the nuclear weapons.

24. Fire the nuclear weapons.

25. Fire the nuclear weapons.

26. Fire the nuclear weapons.

27. Fire the nuclear weapons, aah.

28. Do you want to move on to the next one? We can come back to that later.

29. Abandon the vessel immediately.

30. [Ed] So, they put the lot of them out in the field

31. and they started eating grass.

32. Sorry, Ed, I don't understand. You don't eat grass, you smoke it.

33. Not if you're a cow.

34. Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking about The Rolling Stones.

35. No...

36. Day off, Toast?

37. Yes. I'm meeting Portia de Coogan.

38. - The nurse? - Yep.

39. Strange career choice for the daughter of Lord Fotheringham.

40. - Who's he? - He's very close to Cameron.

41. Looks in line for a top job at the next cabinet reshuffle.

42. He's come a long way since being a producer at Radio 1 in the '70s.

43. Portia's definitely my type.

44. We have exactly the same sense of humor.

45. I told her a joke last week. She found it extremely amusing.

46. Did she laugh heartily?

47. No. She doesn't show any external signs of enjoyment.

48. But I know she finds me very funny and great company.

49. Whoa, Ed, that's really loud!

50. How do you think Iain Duncan Smith's doing at Work and Pensions?

51. Sorry, Toast. Shouldn't talk politics at the breakfast table.

52. You know, I met Thatcher once, at Lionel Blair's house.

53. Surprised to see her drink Heineken from a can.

54. When I started courting my wife, she used to dress up as Mrs. Thatcher.

55. - The blue twin set.

56. Slowly undoing her buttons, to reveal...

57. - no-nonsense M&S underwear.

58. Yours truly, relishing the role of the blimpish Denis...

59. - Obeying her every command.

60. Ever interested in anything like that?

61. - Powerful women?

62. - Maybe in uniform?

63. - You alright, Toast? - Sorry, Ed. I must have drifted off there.

64. Toast, I'm a little uncomfortable here.

65. I don't think I should be wearing my nurse's uniform.

66. But you're a nurse...

67. - But— - And just did the night shift.

68. I should have gone home and changed.

69. No! That would have been a massive waste of time.

70. Look, we'll have a couple of drinks here, then maybe go and see a film.

71. How about a comedy? I love to laugh.

72. Toast, I've been meaning to talk to you.

73. - You're talking to me now. - Yes.

74. It's about... the sense of humor issue.

75. I have a terrific sense of humor. It's just very dry.

76. Often mistaken for having no sense of humor at all.

77. Much like Mandelson or Nigel Man-sell.

78. - Who? - Same as my father before me,

79. and my aunts.

80. You know, my family were known as the Dry Toasts.

81. - Really? - Ellen, my soon-to-be ex-wife,

82. thought I literally couldn't see the funny side of anything.

83. She's quite wrong.

84. Just very, very dry.

85. I think it's about time you met my father.

86. - He has the most wonderful sense of humor

87. and it's very important that you laugh at his jokes.

88. But you may not be able to tell what is a joke and what isn't.

89. Well, maybe if you tell me his jokes beforehand,

90. then I'll know when to laugh.

91. Well, father doesn't write actual jokes for his conversations.

92. He tends to be more spontaneous.

93. He just may make, for example,

94. an off-the-cuff remark about Boris Johnson and you'll have to laugh at it.

95. OK. So, he mentions Boris Johnson and I'll laugh.

96. No, but he may mention Boris Johnson not in the context of a joke.

97. Well, how's that possible?

98. Listen...

99. I have a... friend of a friend.

100. - Mm? - He's a stand-up comedian,

101. - called Russell House.

102. In order for us to keep seeing each other, you need to be a little funnier.

103. I asked Russell to email me some funny lines

104. and amusing quips that you could try out.

105. "I'm going up to Edinburgh next month.

106. I've been so busy, but I think there's some good stuff here."

107. I could try something like that.

108. Anything with a Scots reference is usually quite funny.

109. No, no. That's just the first line of the email to me.

110. That's not a joke.

111. - Did you think that was a joke? - No.

112. - Toast. Dubbing request just in.

113. Bloody hell, Jane. It's my day off.

114. They just need you to do some more voiceovers for the nuclear submarine.

115. I thought I'd finished all that "up periscope, down periscope" jazz.

116. They just need a few additions.

117. They are paying you handsomely for this, Toast.

118. It's the Ministry of Defense.

119. Cobra, to be precise.

120. One doesn't say no to Cobra.

121. How long will I be there?

122. Well, they're complete perfectionists, the Royal Navy. I'd say about...

123. - three and a half hours.

124. Oh, God... Yes, please.

125. Bloody hell.

126. Stay where you are, Portia de Coogan. I'll be right back.

127. - Well, how long will you be? - Three and a half hours.

128. OK, Steven.

129. Thanks for coming at such a short notice. Really appreciate it.

130. You ready to go?

131. In your own time.

132. Disem... ... bark.

133. - Sorry, I'll do that again. - No, that's fine.

134. - What? - That's fine Steven. You got it in one.

135. I coughed halfway through it.

136. Didn't notice anything.

137. Perfect, Steven. We've got all the voice-overs. You're free to go.

138. What, so that's it?

139. They told me I'd be here for three and a half hours.

140. I broke into a romantic date for this.

141. I could be in the cinema, laughing my arse off.

142. Well... You're free now, Steven. That's all we need.

143. Yeah? Well, fuck you three!

144. Steven!

145. Blair, what the hell are you doing here? Is that a new hand?

146. Oh, yes, usual one's getting fixed.

147. Toby told me you were doing more voiceovers for the submarine.

148. Called the studio. They said you'd be here.

149. What's that gotta do with you and who the hell is Toby?

150. Do you mean the Vice Commander of the sub? Second in charge?

151. The Navy's his whole life.

152. He's the complete opposite of the kind of pinko longhairs you run with.

153. He's immensely proud of this submarine. She's been completely refurbished.

154. Almost everything is run by computers.

155. The only thing they physically have to do

156. is put out the rubbish when they dock in port.

157. - So, who's the new commander? - What?

158. - Who's the new commander? - [wolf-whistle]

159. I'm Commander Susan Scott-Gorham.

160. Is one of you gentlemen Steven Toast?

161. I am the Steven Toast that you require. And this is my brother, Blair.

162. Well, I wanted to let you know how much we appreciate your voiceover work on this.

163. - It's good of you to come. We're all very proud

164. of our newly refurbished submarine, the Penetrator.

165. Penetrator. Mm... That's a great name.

166. Surprised it hasn't been taken already.

167. In Equity, there was another actor called Steven Toast,

168. so he had to change his name to Chris Bread.

169. - Crisp Bread? - No, Chris Bread.

170. Should have been you who changed your name. A disgrace.

171. A Toast in the acting game.

172. You must come to the relaunch. It's tomorrow afternoon.

173. Steven is in a play, here in London.

174. - I'm afraid he won't be able to. - I'd love to.

175. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will be in attendance. Do you know them?

176. I'm afraid I don't know any of the minor royals.

177. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are Prince William and Kate Middleton.

178. Oh, yes. By minor royals, I meant royals that aren't the Queen.

179. Well, I hope you both can come. Good day, gentlemen.

180. Can you believe someone like that is commanding a royal submarine?

181. You know, a strumpet like that can just waltz in, get the top job.

182. It's your lot at The Guardian.

183. Political correctness gone off the bloody scale.

184. She seems perfectly capable to me.

185. A girl in charge of our nuclear sub?

186. Might as well hand it over to the Monty Python team.

187. - Who? - Oh, I haven't got time to sit here,

188. talking nonsense with you in this bugger house. I'm off.

189. Mm...

190. Oh, God!

191. Ah...

192. You'd forgotten your hat.

193. Shit.

194. Ah, there she is...

195. - Oh, God...

196. Cocoa time.

197. - Yeah, just put it there, Ed. - Ah...

198. Letter came for you. I put it downstairs on the table.

199. Yes, I've got it. Nice royalty check

200. from that TV mini series I did a few years ago.

201. - Which? - The prequel to Brideshead Revisited.

202. Oh, yes. What was that called?

203. Brideshead.

204. - Of course. - So, how are you getting on with Portia?

205. She wants me to meet her father.

206. Apparently, the old bugger's got some fondness for jokes

207. and Portia's very keen that I'm amusing in his company.

208. You need some jokes, do you?

209. Well, not jokes as such...

210. Well, maybe little things to say, so people think you're fun.

211. - Well, such as? - Well, simple phrases taxi drivers use.

212. Like, uh... "I believe you, thousands wouldn't."

213. Um... "What can I do you for?" as opposed to, "What can I do for you?"

214. - No. - "Don't give up the day job."

215. - That's very useful when you... - No, Ed.

216. They're not jokes as such, they're just little things to say.

217. Yes, it's probably fine in the hands of taxi drivers

218. or cockneys or even Geordies,

219. but if I said anything like that, people would think I was fucking crackers.

220. Maybe you could try something like, when somebody says to you,

221. "Didn't I see you on telly last night?", you say, "I hope it wasn't Crimewatch."

222. I don't get it. - When someone says,

223. - "Didn't I see you on telly last night?" - Then you say,

224. "I hope it wasn't Crimewatch UK."

225. No, just Crimewatch. The "UK" ruins it, 'cause the rhythm is—

226. Yeah, don't waste your time, Ed, it's not gonna work.

227. Sleep well, Toast.

228. Have you actually seen the royal couple?

229. - William and Kate? - Mm.

230. Yes, was just chatting to them.

231. Transpires that none of us has ever had to change a duvet cover.

232. Well, of course, Toby is related to the happy couple,

233. on the uh... right side, I should add.

234. - My father is the Queen's fifth cousin. - Wonderful.

235. Drink, Toby?

236. I'm sorry to be frightfully boring, but uh... still on duty. Better not.

237. Yeah, yeah. Course, course.

238. Anyone seen the Commander around?

239. Actually, I haven't seen her today. No.

240. Excuse me a moment. I have some things to take care of.

241. Yes, yes, of course.

242. Why the hell did you mention that bloody woman?

243. Must be killing him that a tart like her

244. should be in charge of this magnificent vessel.

245. Of course, if he was an Afro-Caribbean lesbian running the Notting Hill Carnival,

246. he'd be in charge of the entire bloody Navy by now.

247. Do you know, I've never been on a submarine before.

248. I might go for a bit of a wander.

249. - Might bump into the Commander. - Don't stray into any unauthorized areas.

250. Hmm!

251. Ooh...

252. I'm surprised to see you here.

253. I did the voiceover for the submarine, remember?

254. Oh. Yes. Well... This is my father, Lord Fotheringham.

255. Father, this is Steven Toast.

256. - Sorry?

257. - Low grumble. - What's that?

258. - It's just a low grumble. - Ah.

259. Uh... It's nice to meet you at last. Um...

260. Portia tells me you have a terrific sense of humor.

261. Much like myself.

262. What are you doing in an unauthorized area?

263. Well... I might ask you the same question.

264. I'm the Minister of Defense.

265. - Really? - There was a reshuffle this morning.

266. Is Duncan Smith still at Work and Pensions?

267. Low grumble.

268. How about Boris Johnson for the top job?

269. I said Boris Johnson.

270. I have to leave now.

271. Yes. Father is giving a speech.

272. - Are you coming? - Is that the Commander's hat?

273. Uh... yes. She must have dropped it. She's around here somewhere.

274. What the hell are you up to, Toast?

275. - Steven.

276. You haven't seen the Commander, have you?

277. I wonder, could I have a quick word?

278. Something I want to talk to you about. Won't take a second. This way.

279. - Care for a brandy? - A brandy? Uh, yes, please.

280. You're not having one yourself?

281. - Still on duty. Oh, of course.

282. - Bottoms up. So...

283. - Blair tells me you're in show business. - Well yes, I'm an actor.

284. The Navy must seem frightfully stuffy

285. for someone who's used to hanging around with people like... Benedict Cumberbatch?

286. - Who? - Listen...

287. There aren't too many people in the Navy I'd be able to discuss this with.

288. But someone in your field may be a tad more... understanding.

289. - Fire away. - Well...

290. One night, about a month ago, I was driving from Portsmouth to Cowes,

291. along a backroad, when I saw a strange light in the sky.

292. - Right. - And I began to realize

293. that it was some sort of craft.

294. And then a door in the side of the craft

295. suddenly opened and strange, alien-like creatures began to emerge.

296. Well, at that point I suddenly passed out.

297. And the next thing I remember was waking up with the distinct impression

298. that the aliens had inserted some sort of anal probe.

299. I was also left with the conviction

300. that they expected me to carry out some sort of task.

301. They wanted me to launch a nuclear attack against the United States of America.

302. Could I have another brandy?

303. Do.

304. Forgive me for talking about this, Toast.

305. I've only revealed it to you because you're an actor.

306. Imagine trying to explain this to the Minister of Defense.

307. Especially the new one.

308. - Fotheringham? - Yes.

309. Although, I don't think he'll be around for too long.

310. Very strong rumors about

311. that he's going to be arrested, for misdemeanors at the BBC.

312. - Really? - The aliens chose me

313. because I have access to nuclear weapons on this submarine.

314. So, you plan to go through with this attack?

315. Oh, yes.

316. The Commander has the special codes that need to be activated to launch an attack,

317. so I've... tied her up and stuck her in the hold.

318. All I need to do is persuade her to hand them over.

319. Maybe you could help me with that as well?

320. Look, if I'm honest, I think you had—

321. - Mm...

322. You will help... won't you, Steven?

323. Yes.

324. All right, Commander.

325. I'm sorry to have to break rank like this, but I need to have those codes.

326. - Sorry, just before you do that...

327. Could I just...

328. - Now... What? Are you in on this too?

329. We're all in on this.

330. Me, Vice Commander Hopkin-Finch

331. and the aliens from the planet Aaaaaa...

332. Have they been in contact with you as well?

333. What?

334. Look, just give him the codes. I've got to be at the theater at 7:30.

335. I need a direct order from the Prime Minister.

336. The aliens have been in touch with the Prime Minster.

337. I'm expecting a phone call any minute. Just give me the codes.

338. No. - Look, you give me the codes

339. and I'll write them down.

340. Oh... OK. Uh...

341. Six, 14... um...

342. Oh! I don't have a pen.

343. Oh, um...

344. Hit him!

345. He-e-elp!

346. He-e-elp!

347. Ladies and gentlemen,

348. welcome to the official relaunch of the Penetrator.

349. It gives me great pleasure, on my very first day as Defense Minister,

350. to launch this magnificently refurbished vessel.

351. He-e-elp!

352. I don't suppose you fancy going for a drink sometime, do you?

353. - What? Gah!

354. Up periscope.

355. Down periscope.

356. Launch the nuclear weapons.

357. - Abandon the vessel. - Sorry.

358. - He-e-elp!

359. The rubbish has been unloaded.

360. Afternoon tea is being served.

361. Please keep your belongings with you at all times.

362. Remember to wash your hands after handling the torpedoes.

363. Disem... ... bark.

364. - OK.

365. I assured the Prime Minister that I would not be all at sea.

366. That I've come an awfully long way since those pioneering days at BBC Radio 1.

367. - At that time...

368. I was mainly concerned with airwaves.

369. Not the kind of waves that we're surrounded by today.

370. - Yes.

371. How society has changed.

372. But one thing remains unchanged;

373. the commitment of the government to the men and women of the Royal Navy,

374. who do such a valuable job, as Britain faces the challenges

375. of an uncertain and dangerous world.

376. - Lord Fotheringham? - Yes.

377. We need you to come to the station with us.

378. There have been some complaints from female staff at the BBC,

379. dating back to the 1970s.

380. The 1970s? But that's ages ago.

381. What are you standing around for?

382. There's a crazed alien nut job in there, waving a piece at the Commander.

383. Officers! I've managed to overpower the Vice Commander

384. and he's under lock and key in the hold.

385. - Sorry, what's this about? The Vice Commander.

386. He was threatening to take over the vessel and launch a nuclear strike.

387. Dunno anything about that, I'm afraid.

388. Oi!

389. You don't have to chase him too, Toast!

390. I'm not chasing him. I have to be at the theater at 7:30.

391. Good God, Toast.

392. - Your brother... - Hmm?

393. wants to meet me for a drink.

394. You know, he really was quite impressive back there.

395. Well, perhaps he's considering a career in the services.

396. Even if it is only the Navy.

397. Well, his acting

398. when he pretended to play along with the Vice Commander's wishes,

399. was highly effective.

400. He's clearly a very capable performer.

401. As long as he stays away from comedy. He has absolutely no sense of humor.

402. Mm, funny you should say that.

403. Did you know our family were known as the Dry Toasts?

404. - Yes, I do know that. - Right.

405. Well, I suppose, the services' loss, is the theater's gain.

406. Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace!

407. - Disgrace! Disgrace!