Toast of London 1x3

Directed by

Alan Ford as Alan the Fear Therapist

Toast is caught in the middle of an acrimonious and expensive divorce so he needs to find a lot of cash, fast. Given two potential solutions; a starring role in a new feature film being made by a rich Arab billionaire or a laxative ad, he plumps for the former, despite the protestations of his agent, Jane Plough. But given the content of the movie, has Toast made the right decision?

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1. Are we rolling?

2. Yeah, in your own time.

3. Is that it, just that one word?

4. Yeah.

5. Okay.

6. "Yes."

7. Uh, hey, Steven that was really good.

8. Um, feeling is here that you could be a bit more positive.

9. More positive?

10. Yeah, you know, really go for it.

11. You want me to go for it?

12. Yeah.

13. All right.

14. "Yes!"

15. Very, very good.

16. Um, let's try it without the script.

17. Might just loosen you up a little bit, yeah?

18. What is it, one word?

19. You don't really need it, do you?

20. I probably don't need the scripts, it's just a word.

21. Yep. Okay, let's do it again.

22. Yes!

23. Is that it?

24. - Yes. - Right.

25. Hi, Steven?

26. - Yes. - This is Clem Fandango.

27. Yes?

28. Can you hear me?

29. Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

30. Honestly, this is going so great,

31. but I just think there was a little loss of energy

32. on that last take.

33. Maybe try one more.

34. Okay, ready to go?

35. - Yep. - What?

36. Yes!

37. Okay.

38. Yes!

39. Yes!

40. Yes!

41. Yes!

42. Yes!

43. Yes!

44. Yes!

45. Yes!

46. Yes!

47. Yes!

48. Yes!

49. Yes!

50. Fuck.

51. Jesus.

52. - Steven? - What?

53. How would you feel about doing a "No"?

54. Come on, you idiot.

55. I'm trying to concentrate, Ellen.

56. It's only fucking crazy golf.

57. Now take the shot and move on.

58. It's not crazy golf, it's mini golf.

59. What's the fucking difference?

60. One's crazy and one's mini.

61. It's obvious what the fucking difference is.

62. I'm taking my shot now.

63. You can't do that, Ellen, it's my shot.

64. Why is it your shot?

65. Because my ball is nearer to the hole!

66. It's not the fucking US Masters!

67. Now I'm going to take my shot.

68. You can't do that.

69. Don't tell me what to do.

70. Excuse me?

71. Excuse me?

72. How long are you gonna be on this hole?

73. Mind your own fucking business!

74. Yeah.

75. We are actually on this hole,

76. so piss off and wait your turn.

77. Now give me the club.

78. Do not take this club, Ellen.

79. Do not tell me what to do.

80. - Argh!

81. I really hate it when you tell me what to do!

82. - Argh!

83. I really hate it when you tell me what to do!

84. I really miss her.

85. Who's that, Toast?

86. Ellen, my ex-wife.

87. I really miss her.

88. I thought you said your marriage was volatile.

89. It was, but we had so much in common.

90. Straight talker, never suffered fools gladly.

91. She had a terrific sense of humour.

92. I've just got this from her solicitor.

93. She wants a divorce and a hell of a lot of cash.

94. Oh, dear. Are you flush at the moment?

95. Well, luckily, I've been hired

96. by a very rich Arab gentleman to star in a film he's making.

97. He's promised me a tidy sum. We start tomorrow.

98. Ah, sounds like something that Omar Sharif might be in.

99. I once played some surprisingly

100. competitive bridge with Omar.

101. We had a rubber in his private Jacuzzi.

102. So, what's the film about?

103. I don't know, I haven't been sent a script.

104. Huge budget. Could be a big break for me.

105. Okay, I'm gonna ask you

106. if you recognise any of these photographs.

107. We think the murderer may be one of these men.

108. Is this him?

109. Is this him?

110. Is this him?

111. Is this him?

112. Yes, just as I thought.

113. And when he attacked you,

114. did he make an unsavoury racial comment?

115. Yes, no surprises there.

116. He's got form on that one.

117. All right, Mr. Ho Chi, you can go.

118. Stop acting!

119. Very good. You get him, Toast, eh?

120. You nail the bloody fucker!

121. I just do whatever it says in the script, Mr. Fasili.

122. Prince Philip, I hate him.

123. It's pretty clear from this you're not a fan.

124. It's very good shooting today, Toast.

125. You know, I've never directed a film thing before,

126. but I think I'm pretty darn good at it, yes?

127. - Right. - We'll win Oscars, I think,

128. or BAFTA Awards.

129. Then I show this Prince Philip character.

130. I hate him. I hate him.

131. Hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him!

132. I hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him!

133. Hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him!

134. Do you think I could get a sandwich?

135. It's fucking terrible.

136. He's never directed before, never written a script,

137. and he hasn't got a chance in hell

138. of getting this film shown

139. in any decent cinema in the world.

140. It's obviously a vanity project.

141. It's good money, though, Toast.

142. The man's a billionaire.

143. That's like a really wealthy millionaire.

144. And besides, you don't really want anyone

145. to see the film, do you?

146. Of course, I don't.

147. Well, then.

148. Yeah, but I bloody well should be

149. starring in films people want to see,

150. made by proper directors.

151. Something like "The King's Speech."

152. I'm not saying you're not good enough

153. to bag an Academy Award, Toast, I'm just...

154. I just don't think it's ever possible you'll win one.

155. Because of what I said to Minnie Driver?

156. Yes.

157. 'Cause I told Minnie Driver she had a big face.

158. Cause I told Minnie Driver she had a big face, yes.

159. She's in Hollywood now. She has lots of contacts.

160. She won't forget something like that.

161. And then the Fassbender debacle.

162. Oh, everyone knows Fassbender's...

163. Really, Toast.

164. Spreading a vile rumour.

165. I saw the photo of a chalet.

166. He's a major player.

167. He could crush you like that.

168. Now, you're getting paid a lot for this film.

169. It means you may not have to do

170. the television advert for the laxative.

171. There's no way I'm doing a laxative ad.

172. You remember what happened to Derek Sibling.

173. No, I don't, actually.

174. Whatever did happen to Derek Sibling?

175. He was very good.

176. He was. Brightest in his year at RADA.

177. Trod out one of the best Henry V's this fella's ever seen.

178. All going well for him, then he bursts onto the television

179. clutching his guts for a laxative ad.

180. Then goodnight, sweetheart.

181. Takes a very brave actor to promote a laxative.

182. Money's great.

183. Martin from the agency would still like to meet you.

184. Well, you're obviously not keen, but meet him anyway.

185. It'll be very casual.

186. He's suggested you go bowling together.

187. - Bowling? - Yes, bowling.

188. You've got a big, black ball

189. and you throw it at the skittles.

190. Skittles?

191. Yeah, skittles.

192. They get knocked over

193. and the mechanical machine puts them back

194. and then you have another go at hitting them.

195. I think you're wrong there, Jane.

196. I don't think so.

197. I think you're confusing it with another game.

198. Look, I really think you should do this, Toast.

199. It's just an informal meeting with bowling.

200. No obligation.

201. All right!

202. What?

203. You can't stop for petrol during a fare, you prat.

204. I'm sorry, mate, I meant to get it earlier.

205. For fuck's sake.

206. Hang on, he's not lighting a cigarette?

207. Right!

208. You can't smoke around petrol!

209. The place'll go up like Worzel Gummidge.

210. Oi, you're in that play, ain't ya?

211. Oh, God!

212. - Jesus!

213. I went to see that play with a mate of mine.

214. You ought to be a-fucking-shamed of yourself.

215. Oi, get back there.

216. There's no need for the theatre in this country

217. to descend to that level.

218. Are you finished?

219. No, get back.

220. Sex, nudity, bad language, disgusting!

221. Next time, I'll put a fucking match to you.

222. I'll burn your bollocks off!

223. Goodnight, sweet prince.

224. This is awful, having all your boxes here.

225. When are you gonna move them?

226. Well, I'll take some today, but I'll have to hire a van.

227. Why do you have to write your name on all of them?

228. I don't know. They might get lost, or something.

229. Well, Ricky is moving in next week,

230. so he won't want all your stuff there.

231. Yeah, well, Ricky is a cunt.

232. I beg your pardon?

233. I said, I think I may have my hat on back to front.

234. You don't like Ricky, do you?

235. Oh, come on, Ellen, he's a builder.

236. And you're 45th in line for the throne.

237. You are such a snob.

238. I'm a snob and he's a yob.

239. And you are a knob.

240. Ricky cares about me. And he's fit.

241. What?

242. He's fit.

243. What, do you mean he has a high level of physical fitness?

244. No, I mean he's good-looking.

245. Why are you wearing that uniform?

246. It's a costume. I had to change my clothes.

247. Someone poured petrol on me earlier.

248. It's 'cause of that ghastly play you're in, isn't it?

249. Yeah, well, you should be grateful I'm working,

250. 'cause you're fleecing me with that divorce settlement.

251. I'm only getting what I'm due.

252. Ricky, darling!

253. Mmm!

254. Give us those beers. Put that in the fridge.

255. Come here, you gorgeous thing.

256. Mmm!

257. Mmm!

258. Mm. Mm!

259. Yeah, all right!

260. Ah, Steven. I'm Martin Aynuss.

261. - All right. - Hope you don't mind,

262. but I also brought along my assistant, Sheryl Whelk.

263. Okay.

264. You're dressed very smartly. Have you just stepped ashore?

265. It's a costume. Someone poured petrol on me earlier.

266. All right. Would you like to start?

267. Yeah, let's not toss for it or any of that bullshit.

268. I've not played in a while.

269. Somebody must have changed the rules.

270. What are those things at the end?

271. They're skittles.

272. Why are there skittles?

273. And shouldn't I be stood on grass?

274. I think what may have happened here

275. is you've confused tenpin bowling with bowls.

276. Okay.

277. Yeah, it's just a bigger ball, that's all.

278. If you wanna roll this one

279. towards the skittles down the end of the lane,

280. give that a go.

281. I presume it's underarm?

282. More like that?

283. - Oof!

284. Shit.

285. 24, take four.

286. Start acting.

287. There's something very dodgy going on here.

288. Which is your real name?

289. Prince Philip or the Duke of Edinburgh?

290. I say, this is rather unsatisfactory.

291. For most people, one name is enough, but not for you.

292. How dare you!

293. Look, Duke, we all know you're the murderer.

294. Your life of privilege

295. and being carried around by servants won't save you now.

296. Casual racism is one thing,

297. but this time you've bitten off more than you can chew.

298. Are you finished with my husband?

299. Get her out of here.

300. Uptight, uncomfortable, self-conscious.

301. They say you're the perfect man

302. to front their Lax-A-Daisy campaign.

303. I'm not doing it.

304. Such a shame.

305. Play constipation so beautifully.

306. They really want you.

307. Who else did they ask? Portillo?

308. Portillo, yes.

309. Obvious choice.

310. No, he turned them down,

311. he's off doing his train journeys.

312. You're not gonna trap me into this, Jane.

313. I'm not gonna advertise laxatives.

314. Remember Derek Sibling?

315. Yes, Derek Sibling.

316. Now, he was very good.

317. Brightest in his year at RADA.

318. Trod out one of the best Henry V's this fella's ever seen.

319. All going well for him

320. and he bursts onto the TV

321. clutching his guts advertising laxatives.

322. Then

323. goodnight, sweetheart.

324. All right, I'll let them know.

325. Anyway, I don't need the money.

326. I've got that film thing. Last day tomorrow.

327. Can't wait to lodge that big fat check in Barclays

328. at Fitzroy Square, oh, yeah!

329. - Argh!

330. Toast?

331. Toast?

332. I think it's safe to say, Mr. Fasili,

333. that justice is being done here today.

334. Yes, Inspector Cavendish.

335. He has paid the full price for murder.

336. - I'm not surprised- - Also,

337. for standing in the way of my British citizenship.

338. The fiend is surely getting what he so richly deserves.

339. Look at him!

340. Die in a cowardly fashion, like a dog!

341. I'm not surprised to see him

342. begging for his life in such a pathetic, unmanly manner.

343. The royal family has no place in modern British society.

344. I spit on them.

345. I admire you for saying so, Mr. Fasili.

346. They are a bunch of no-good, cheap bastards.

347. Bravo!

348. Bravo!

349. I'm glad that we compromised on the word "bastards."

350. "Cocksuckers" didn't seem right,

351. not for the entire royal family.

352. I mean, Princess Michael of Kent.

353. Well.

354. It's a pity you missed the Benedict Cumberbatch scenes.

355. He was sublime.

356. Who?

357. I do so love champagne, don't you?

358. Yes, uh, Mr. Fasili, I wonder if I could ask you

359. when will I receive payment?

360. Now.

361. You have the check?

362. Yes.

363. Ah, could I-

364. I just need to sign it. Do you have a pen?

365. - No. - You are in rather a hurry.

366. I'm in the middle of an acrimonious divorce settlement.

367. I completely understand.

368. I have a pen in my office, I shall sign it immediately.

369. After all,

370. you are the man who brought Prince Philip to justice.

371. I shall be back in a minute.

372. Help yourself to more champagne, Toast.

373. Oh, God.

374. Out of my way, come on!

375. Mr. Fasili, where are you?

376. Did you sign the check?

377. You there!

378. Did you see him sign the check before he fell overboard?

379. Did you see him sign the check?

380. Oh, God.

381. Damn you to hell!

382. It mentions the film.

383. Says it may now never get released.

384. Oh, I don't mind that so much.

385. It's not being paid the 60,000.

386. It's not being paid the 60,000.

387. Jane's gonna look into it, but she's not hopeful.

388. It seems he owes millions.

389. It's funny how these things always surface

390. after someone dies.

391. Someone who won't be surfacing is Fasili.

392. He weighed a tonne.

393. Sank like a stone.

394. Apparently, he had an extra-large life buoy

395. in case he fell overboard.

396. Well, he managed to squeeze into that but still sank,

397. dragged the life buoy down with him.

398. - Really? - I mean, I'd have

399. thought that impossible.

400. But there again, he was fucking huge.

401. The thing is, Ellen's been pestering me

402. for that divorce settlement money.

403. Ah, tough times, Toast,

404. but I'm sure you have absolutely

405. nothing to be worried about.

406. You better sort that cash out as soon as possible!

407. Who are you again?

408. 'Cause I don't recognise you from my wife's legal team.

409. Never mind who we are, you'd better pay up!

410. You're not connected to Ricky, are you?

411. - No. - It's just that I saw you

412. jump out of his van.

413. No.

414. We don't know anyone called Ricky.

415. Hang on. You're in that play, ain't ya?

416. - What? - Remember that play

417. we went to with Dave?

418. Young Simon here, first time he's ever been to the theatre

419. and sees that load of rubbish!

420. You may have put him off the theatre for life!

421. Pinter, Stoppard, David Hare,

422. he's never gonna give 'em a chance.

423. Well, there's been extensive rewrites.

424. By Ben Elton.

425. I should give you a bloody good hiding

426. just for that play alone,

427. but if you don't sort that wonga out,

428. Ben Elton will be rewriting your bloody obituary!

429. So you better get that money, right?

430. Doesn't matter how, just get that money!

431. Yes.

432. Put constipation behind you.

433. New formula Lax-A-Daisy restores your body's regularity

434. so that you can work and relax every day without anxiety.

435. Lax-A-Daisy doesn't cause excess gas or dizziness.

436. It just lets you step back into the natural rhythm of life.

437. - Yes, very good, Steven. - Bravo!

438. I wasn't sure about the wig at first, but it works.

439. May I introduce you to Howard Bugowitz,

440. chairman of Lax-A-Daisy in New York.

441. My God, that was terrific!

442. Everyone at Cartwright and Aynuss is very pleased.

443. We'd like to sign you up for a long-term contract

444. to be the face of Lax-A-Daisy for the next five years.

445. Well, that's tremendous news.

446. Maybe we could even make it 10 years.

447. We can talk figures on Monday, Jane.

448. Perfect.

449. I'm sure Martin will make us a very generous offer, Toast.

450. I don't wanna talk about this now.

451. I've gotta rush off and do my play.

452. Whoa! No, no, no!

453. Come upstairs!

454. We're gonna have a bit of a party.

455. No. Last party I went to, someone drowned.

456. Come on, we can share the taxi.

457. Yes.

458. Talk Monday.

459. Great casting, Marty.

460. That guy really has a bung up his ass.

461. Anyone could have played that role.

462. No, no, no, you were perfect.

463. It's a bloody long way from "The King's Speech."

464. Pull over here, please.

465. Yeah. I don't have any cash, Toast.

466. Oh, for Pete's sake, Jane!

467. There's an extra 20 to take her home.

468. Oh, dear, I think he's died.

469. Does anybody know anything about him?

470. Let me through.

471. Yes, I know him, though I haven't seen him in some time.

472. It's the actor Derek Sibling.

473. The brightest in his year at RADA.

474. Trod out one of the best Henry V's this fella's ever seen.

475. All going well for him,

476. then he bursts onto the television clutching his guts

477. in a laxative ad.

478. Then goodnight, sweetheart.

479. Sorry, I'm late, Charlotte. There was an incident outside.

480. Tramp dead on the pavement.

481. I knew him, actually, Derek Sibling.

482. - Derek Sibling the actor? - Yes.

483. Wasn't he supposed to be very good?

484. Very good?

485. Brightest in his year at RADA.

486. Trod out one of the best...

487. Won't bore you with the detail.

488. Promising career cut short by one fatal decision.

489. - Oh? - Strangely fitting

490. grand finale, you might say.

491. What do you mean, Mr. Toast?

492. He shat himself.

493. - Yes!

494. Caliban is shit!