Toast of London 1x2

Directed by

Toast's excitement at winning a part in a new play is tempered by two facts. One, his nemesis Ray Purchase is also in it. Two, there's a rumour his director, Acker Herron, has a history of murdering difficult actors. Romantically, Toast has to choose between his old RADA contemporary, the fun-loving and beautiful Greta Cargo and a prostitute...

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1. Ah, your play's got a mention in the paper.

2. There's a photo of you as well. And some protestors outside the theater.

3. It's not a review, is it?

4. It says "Stereotypical offensive caricatures predominate

5. in this cack-handed, abysmal travesty.

6. One has to try very hard indeed to recall a worse play on the London stage."

7. Actually, Ed, please don't continue. I don't think my guts could confront it.

8. I've had much worse reviews than this.

9. At least you're through the opening night. Oh, they can be nerve-racking.

10. I once tried to kill myself

11. before the opening of a very poor production of Coriolanus.

12. Took a massive cocktail of painkillers, but the adrenaline just neutralized them.

13. If you had killed yourself, your career would be radically different.

14. - How so? - Well, you wouldn't receive

15. your royalty checks on those old dramas they play on ITV3!

16. Ah, yeah.

17. And you'd be dead!

18. I gotta get off. I'm rehearsing a new play.

19. One job not enough for you, eh? Good luck.

20. - Quick cooking tip for you, Ed. - Hm-hmm?

21. When following a recipe, always put twice the ingredients specified.

22. If it says two carrots, put in four.

23. One onion, put in two.

24. Half a pound of mushrooms, put in the full pound.

25. Wouldn't you then just get a very big meal?

26. Sorry I'm late.

27. Having a shit-bag of a day.

28. - Ray!

29. Oh, you're joking!

30. Ray Purchase!

31. Well, well, well!

32. Look who it is!

33. Steven "Hide Your Missus 'Cause I'll Fuck Anything" Toast!

34. Get over it, Purchase.

35. You two should leave any conflict outside the door!

36. Now join the circle.

37. Let's begin by telling each other who we are,

38. the name of our character,

39. and something interesting about us.

40. Kika.

41. My name is Kika Bright. I'll be playing the part of Stella.

42. And last year I performed Shakespeare in Central Park with Scarlett Johansson!

43. Very, very... swish!

44. - Ray.

45. My name is Ray Purchase and I will be playing the part of the magistrate.

46. Something interesting about you?

47. Well, Toast regularly fucks my wife!

48. Oh, God!

49. Can we not mention that again?

50. Anyway, I'm Acker Herron, your director.

51. I've just returned from North Africa

52. where I directed a local-cast production of Hamlet.

53. Now, that is swish.

54. Were the sets made of sand?

55. Such a prick.

56. - Your turn. - Steven Toast, and I'm playing Jeff.

57. Something interesting about yourself, Steven.

58. Oh, yeah, I can roll my eyes into the back of my head.

59. Useful for drama and comedy, I should think.

60. Now, before we open the text, I'd like us to loosen up and focus

61. using something called a shaka, which is a warm-up I learnt in Africa.

62. Great.

63. Ooga shaka ooga ooga ooga shaka

64. - Ooga ooga Ooga shaka

65. - Ooga ooga Ooga shaka

66. Ooga ooga ooga shaka Ooga ooga ooga shaka

67. - Sorry, you've got to be fucking kidding. - OK!

68. If you wanna shit on me, I'll shit on you!

69. But you better be wearing a fucking helmet!

70. It was like the Special Olympics.

71. But the Special Olympics for arseholes.

72. Yes. All right. Bye, bye, bye, bye.

73. And as I was saying, the last person I wanted to see there was Ray Purchase!

74. And that director's fucking crackers!

75. Acker is very highly strung, but he inspires fierce loyalty.

76. Even when he killed one of his actors, the rest of the cast remained devoted to him.

77. - I'm not saying he lacks charisma. - He's passionate.

78. - Sorry, did you say he killed an actor? Yes!

79. On some Pinter play about ten years ago. He killed an actor.

80. Christ! Well, even Pinter wouldn't do that!

81. The actor, can't remember his name, wasn't much cop from what I can remember.

82. Anyway, he wouldn't do what Acker wanted, so Acker stabbed him.

83. Actor died, but Acker got away with manslaughter.

84. Good grief!

85. The judge had seen his Trojan Women at the National and was a huge fan,

86. - so he got off! - You know what?

87. I'm not sure I should be working with a director that murders actors.

88. Well, it might undo the damage of you being in that play.

89. Everyone hates that play.

90. - Feels worse than being a pedophile! - Really, Toast! What a thing to say,

91. in the current climate!

92. Well, you put me in that bloody play, Jane!

93. - I didn't wanna do it!

94. - Oh! - Jane Plough.

95. - Spelt P-L-O-U-G-H. Pronounced "Pluff."

96. - He's very much a family man. - Who?

97. But the '70s was ages ago.

98. - He probably doesn't remem... - Who?

99. Just one moment, please. Scotland Yard are investigating another client.

100. - Could you just slink off?

101. Ah, hello. Yes, I saw your advert on the computer,

102. and I'd quite like a...

103. A... blonde, yes, yes.

104. Blonde is my favorite color. Ha!

105. So we could meet tomorrow at 4.00 p.m. at the Baybury Hotel, South Kensington.

106. I'm a traveling salesman.

107. Look, how much will it cost?

108. No, I'm not VAT registered.

109. OK, my name is Royce Coolidge.

110. And her name is Lorry?

111. What, L-O-R-R-Y...

112. No... L-O-R-I. I see.

113. No, I don't have a loyalty card.

114. Thanking you.

115. Ooh.

116. £400.

117. Mmm!

118. Pretty good!

119. - Steven? - Greta!

120. - I didn't recognize you with that. - I fell out of a tree. You're gorgeous.

121. - I mean, you look gorgeous. - How's Ellen?

122. - Who? - Your wife?

123. My soon-to-be ex-wife, actually.

124. I'm a gay divorcee!

125. I'm not gay. Are you still acting?

126. Nah, not as much.

127. - That's a shame, you're quite good.

128. How's fuckface, what's his name, Gary?

129. Mmm, yeah, we're divorced too.

130. I'm going to my club for a cocktail. Do you fancy joining me?

131. - Umm... - Oh, come on!

132. - Yeah, all right. - Yes!

133. So you're a TV producer now?

134. What are you working on these days?

135. A documentary.

136. A six-part thing. It's called London Lives.

137. It's kind of about the dark underbelly of the capital.

138. Sounds good.

139. Yeah, but it's just a job, you know?

140. I prefer getting my kicks in other ways.

141. I remember!

142. I like trying new things. I'm an excitement junkie.

143. Me too. Should we meet up again next week?

144. Yeah. Why don't I just give you my card?

145. - Shall we say Friday, provisionally? - Yes!

146. So why don't you ring me,

147. - and we'll hook up? - Yes!

148. I think Steven should lead the shaka.

149. Oh, fuck.

150. Ooga shaka ooga ooga ooga shaka

151. Ooga ooga ooga shaka ooga ooga ooga shaka

152. Ooga ooga ooga shaka ooga ooga—

153. Excuse me, please!

154. - What the hell's up with him?

155. You know he murdered an actor. What?

156. I'd keep your stupid mouth shut about that, Toast!

157. - But he was murdered! - It was manslaughter.

158. A second-rate actor gets killed by the director.

159. No big deal. Happens every day.

160. - Does it? - I really wouldn't mention it again Toast.

161. - Steven

162. Quick word.

163. You're fucked.

164. - You're trying to undermine me. Why? - What?

165. I expect total loyalty from my actors at all times.

166. I feel for any project to work, I need to have them just where I want them.

167. By the balls!

168. By the balls, eh?

169. Quick question.

170. - Have you ever had anybody by the balls? - Literally?

171. Yes, I mean literally to feel another man's cojones

172. lying in the palm of one's hand. Ever had that experience, Steven?

173. I can't say I have. You?

174. Yes, I have. With Benedict Cumberbatch!

175. - Who? - I felt them literally rolling around

176. both of us staring into each other's eyes.

177. It seemed like an eternity, but it was less than half an hour!

178. He cracked in the end.

179. - We did it my way.

180. I'm not joking, Steven!

181. This isn't Michael Mclntyre's Comedy Roadshow!

182. And when I say literally, I do of course literally mean literally!

183. Check this one out, mate!

184. Over here, you great galah!

185. - Jesus Christ!

186. We need to talk to you, Toast!

187. You are in serious danger of jeopardizing this production because you hate Acker.

188. - Do you hate Acker? - I hardly know the man!

189. He believes you're not showing him the requisite loyalty.

190. - He needs a lot of reassurance. - Now, I have to ask you something else.

191. - Confidentially. - What?

192. - You know about another murder? - What other murder?

193. Ray, don't ask him if he knows about the other murder.

194. But I thought you said—

195. I wasn't gonna ask him about the other murder.

196. I was gonna ask him about the extra rehearsal on Saturday.

197. - You don't know about that, do you? - The extra rehearsal?

198. - No, the other murder. - Stop mentioning that, Ray!

199. - Anyway, you don't know about it, do you? - What?

200. The thing Ray mentioned but shouldn't have.

201. I don't know anything! This is fucking ridiculous!

202. That's good. Don't tell anyone about it.

203. - Look, if someone's...

204. Sorry, mate! Can we have our Frisbee back?

205. - What the... - You wanna join in?

206. Ah, good catch.

207. That's for fucking my wife

208. and for making me look like a dog's nut back there!

209. So the implication was that Acker's murdered someone else?

210. I got that distinct impression.

211. I think Ray Purchase got cack-mouthed and revealed it in error.

212. Very odd.

213. - Well, shouldn't we contact the police? - Well, with murders,

214. once you get the police in, things can get complicated.

215. I agree. If ever I heard about a murder, I wouldn't contact the police.

216. Why not? Overcrowded prisons?

217. No. Much along the lines of what you've just said.

218. Once you get the police involved with a murder, things can escalate.

219. Look, you have to get me out of this Acker play.

220. I mean, tell him anything. Tell him I've got VD.

221. Where would you get it? You haven't been exactly active recently.

222. - Yeah

223. Now listen, Toast, it's important you don't cross Acker.

224. You just do what he says. You don't want him as an enemy.

225. Now bugger off, Toast.

226. I've got Strawberry Rathbone popping in in 15 minutes.

227. If she sees you here, there'll be a scene.

228. A scene, you say. That'll be a first for her in a while.

229. Jesus Christ, Ed. What are you playing at?

230. Sorry, Toast. Didn't know my own strength.

231. Fire and fucking blast, not again!

232. Language violation, Toast. You all right?

233. Well, if it's the crown jewels you're referring to, Ed, not good.

234. OK. Ladies and gentlemen, play is suspended. Thank you.

235. - Something on your mind, Toast? - Do you remember Greta Cargo from RADA?

236. Oh, yeah. Very much into sex, if I recall.

237. I bumped into her on the street. Always thought she was great.

238. In fact, that's an anagram of her name: Great.

239. Just swap the "A" and the "T."

240. - It's a very simple one but... - So it is.

241. Anyway, I've created a bit of a problem for myself. I've contacted an agency.

242. - An estate agency? - No, a different kind of agency.

243. - Travel agency? - What? No, an escort agency.

244. Oh, I see.

245. Well, lots of chaps use agencies.

246. I've read about it. I mean, you might have done it.

247. - I haven't done it! - Well, that's fine. I—

248. - Yeah, but I haven't done it! - OK, if you had—

249. - I honestly haven't done it. - All right!

250. So, I'm meeting this escort in this posh hotel in South Ken tomorrow. I can't wait.

251. Does a great afternoon tea as well.

252. So this is the dilemma, if I hook up with the escort, the sex is guaranteed.

253. If I meet Greta and nothing happens, I'll shit out and be doubly disappointed.

254. - You want my advice? - Yeah.

255. - Go where the sex is. - That's exactly what I was thinking.

256. After all, it's only what, £400?

257. - £400. How do you know? - Guess.

258. Well, you're spot on.

259. It was a guess, Toast. Just a guess.

260. Guess!

261. Reception? Hello, yes I'm the traveling salesman from room 560.

262. I'm expecting a visitor.

263. She's blonde, and her name is Lori.

264. Just... I'll be here. Just ring up, I'll come straight down.

265. Toast.

266. Toast, it's Acker Herron. Meet me at the Olympian Club.

267. You wanna meet now?

268. - Yes, now! - But I have to—

269. I wouldn't waste our time unless it was important.

270. - I can't, I've got a— - I'll text you the address.

271. What the fu... Who the shit does he think he is?

272. Fencing tells one so much about a fellow. About his commitment, his loyalty,

273. about how much of a man he is.

274. Do we have to? I have an afternoon tea appointment at four.

275. God.

276. You have a natural talent, Toast.

277. I like to think I've mastered the basic skills.

278. - That hurt, did it? - Shit!

279. Your suit's fitted with electronic sensors.

280. A direct hit results in a massive electric shock.

281. Enough to kill a small dog.

282. What the hell are you playing at?

283. I'm testing you out, Toast!

284. I want to make sure you're the kind of man I can rely on!

285. I think you proved yourself out there.

286. You passed part one of the test.

287. Part one? I dread to think what part two entails.

288. Of course.

289. Yes, it's me, Toast.

290. Ray fucking Purchase, your worst nightmare.

291. How does that feel, Toast?

292. Grab the other one, Ray.

293. Cumberbatch lasted less than half an hour.

294. - Who? - Fassbender barely 20 minutes.

295. You think it's clever, do you? Grabbing a man's balls in the shower.

296. You're pathetic. Both of you.

297. We're not letting go, Toast. We're going to break your balls.

298. - Metaphorically and literally.

299. Forty-five minutes. I'm impressed.

300. - What time's your appointment? - Four o'clock.

301. And it's crucial I don't arrive at this particular appointment with crushed nuts.

302. I think you've made your point.

303. Do you swear total loyalty to me and to the production?

304. Yes!

305. I just know we're going to achieve great things with this play.

306. This is a terrible time for theater.

307. Have you heard about that shit that's on at the Playhouse?

308. It's everything I hate.

309. All the actors in that should be stripped naked, shot, and shat on.

310. Hang on a second.

311. Toast's in that play.

312. You're in that play. He's in that play, Acker.

313. OK. Well, that's... that's rather disappointing.

314. Give me a moment. I just need to think about strategy here.

315. I'll be back in a minute.

316. Why are you such a grass, Purchase?

317. Look, if you're in some shit play, Acker needs to know about it!

318. You can't resist it, can you? Poking that big nose of yours in.

319. You're such a fucking prick!

320. Ray, please leave. This could turn ugly.

321. - I wouldn't mind staying. - Leave! I don't want any witnesses.

322. - And lock all the doors behind you. - OK.

323. You're fucked.

324. So, just you and me, Toast.

325. Shouldn't I put my fencing outfit on?

326. - Actually, you're wearing mine with the— - We're not doing fencing anymore, Toast.

327. We're doing killing. This is what you get for doing shit theater.

328. You're going to die.

329. OK, you win, Acker.

330. Is it not customary to give a condemned man a last request?

331. OK, what is it?

332. We've left the shower on.

333. I hate wasting water and you wouldn't mind turning it off.

334. Fine. No, it's good to be concerned about environmental issues. All right.

335. Ray Purchase has locked all the doors so you can't escape.

336. Resistance would be futile.

337. Yes.

338. I'm guessing the rehearsal's canceled. Ha!

339. Reception?

340. Hello, yes, I'm the traveling salesman from room 560.

341. Shit, I've forgotten my name.

342. Look, look, if someone comes to the hotel asking for the name of a guest

343. who isn't a resident, it'll probably be for me.

344. Hello?

345. Royce Coolidge. Yes, that's who I am!

346. Yes, she... fantastic. I'll be straight down. Thanking you.

347. - Greta. - Steven.

348. - Hello, again. - Oh, yeah.

349. I'm just here meeting an old male... man school friend.

350. I hear the afternoon tea's great. What are you doing here?

351. I'm working.

352. - Working? - Yes, I'm meeting someone.

353. They're called a "John" in the trade. I should explain.

354. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is amazing.

355. Has it got anything to do with an escort agency?

356. - Yes.

357. Can't say I'm surprised. You were always pretty adventurous.

358. - Shall we? - I'm not sure what you mean, Steven.

359. This is part of the documentary series I'm producing.

360. - We're here with that woman over there. Ooh.

361. We're hoping to interview the man she's meeting.

362. In fact, he's on his way down as we speak so if you could just...

363. Hang on, how did you know about the escort agency?

364. Guys, you're wasting your time, you're wasting the air in your lungs.

365. I know for a fact that Steven Toast is dead.

366. Don't ask me why, I just know he is. I know he's dead.

367. There he is!

368. Shit.