1. - OK, Steven, are you ready to go?
- Yeah.Copy !req
2. Familiar enough with the song?
You know where you're going with it?Copy !req
3. OK, so just sing it normally,Copy !req
4. and then do the short voiceover
mentioning the product at the end.Copy !req
5. All right!Copy !req
6. Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?Copy !req
7. Who the fuck are you?Copy !req
8. Clem's with us for a few weeks
on work experience.Copy !req
9. Can you hear me, Steven?Copy !req
10. Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.Copy !req
11. Just, if you sing it normally,Copy !req
12. then do the short voiceover
mentioning the product at the end.Copy !req
13. He's just fucking said that!Copy !req
14. Yeah, OK,
I'm gonna start the backing track.Copy !req
15. OK, I think you might have lost
the backing track there.Copy !req
16. No, I don't think I did.Copy !req
17. We'll go again.Copy !req
18. - OK, I thought we...
♪ I...Copy !req
19. We'll go again.
Just one more, just one more.Copy !req
20. - Will you turn it up in the cans, please?
- Yeah.Copy !req
21. - Mm.Copy !req
22. I think that's probably it.Copy !req
23. Ah, your play has got
a mention in the paper.Copy !req
24. There's a photo of you as well
and some protesters outside the theatre.Copy !req
25. - It's not a review, is it?
- It says...Copy !req
26. "stereotypical, offensive caricatures
predominate in thisCopy !req
27. "cack-handed, abysmal travesty.Copy !req
28. "One has to try very hard indeed to recall
a worse play on the London stage."Copy !req
29. Actually, Ed, please don't continue.
I don't think my guts could confront it.Copy !req
30. I've had much worse reviews than this.
At least you're through the opening night.Copy !req
31. Oh, they can be nerve-racking.Copy !req
32. I once tried to kill myself
before the openingCopy !req
33. of a very poor production of Coriolanus.Copy !req
34. I took a massive cocktail of painkillers,
but the adrenaline just neutralised them.Copy !req
35. If you had have killed yourself,Copy !req
36. your career would have
been radically different.Copy !req
37. - How so?
- Well,Copy !req
38. you wouldn't receive your royalty cheques
from those old dramas they play on ITV3.Copy !req
39. Ah, yeah.Copy !req
40. And you'd be dead.Copy !req
41. I've got to get off.
I'm rehearsing a new play.Copy !req
42. Oh, one job not enough for you, eh?
Good luck.Copy !req
43. - Quick cooking tip for you, Ed.
- Mm-hm?Copy !req
44. When following a recipe, always put
twice the ingredients specified.Copy !req
45. If it says two carrots, put in four.
One onion? Put in two.Copy !req
46. Half a pound of mushrooms?
Put in the full pound.Copy !req
47. Wouldn't you then
just get a very big meal?Copy !req
48. Sorry I'm late.
Having a shit-bag of a day.Copy !req
49. Ray...Copy !req
50. Oh, you're joking.Copy !req
51. Ray Purchase.Copy !req
52. Well, well, well.Copy !req
53. Look who it is.Copy !req
54. Steven "hide your missus
cos I'll fuck anything" Toast.Copy !req
55. Get over it, Purchase.Copy !req
56. You two should leave any conflict
outside the door.Copy !req
57. Now, join the circle.Copy !req
58. Let's begin by telling each other
who we are, the name of our character,Copy !req
59. and something interesting about us.Copy !req
60. Kika?Copy !req
61. My name is Kika Bright,
I'll be playing the part of Stella,Copy !req
62. and er... last year I performed Shakespeare
in Central Park with Scarlett Johansson.Copy !req
63. Very, very swish!Copy !req
64. - Ha-ha!
- Ray?Copy !req
65. My name is Ray Purchase and I will be
playing the part of the Magistrate.Copy !req
66. - Something interesting about you?
- Huh!Copy !req
67. - Well?
- Toast regularly fucks my wife.Copy !req
68. Oh, God.Copy !req
69. Can we not mention that again?Copy !req
70. Anyway, I'm Acker Herron, your director.Copy !req
71. I've just returned from North Africa,Copy !req
72. where I directed
a local cast production of Hamlet.Copy !req
73. Now, that is swish!Copy !req
74. Were the sets made of sand? Ha!Copy !req
75. Such a prick.Copy !req
76. - Your turn.
- Steven Toast, and I'm playing Jeff.Copy !req
77. Something interesting
about yourself, Steven?Copy !req
78. No money.Copy !req
79. Oh, yeah, I can roll my eyes
into the back of my head.Copy !req
80. Useful for drama and comedy,
I should think.Copy !req
81. Now, before we open the text,
I'd like us to loosen up and focus,Copy !req
82. using something called a Shaka,
which is a warm-up I learnt in Africa.Copy !req
83. Great.Copy !req
84. Ooga shaka, ooga ooga,
ooga shaka, ooga ooga.Copy !req
85. - Ooga shaka, ooga ooga.
Ooga shaka, ooga ooga.Copy !req
86. Ooga shaka, ooga ooga,
ooga shaka...Copy !req
87. I'm sorry,
but you've gotta be fucking kidding.Copy !req
88. OK!Copy !req
89. If you want to shit on me,
I'll shit on you!Copy !req
90. But you'd better be wearing
a fucking helmet!Copy !req
91. It was like the Special Olympics,Copy !req
92. but the Special Olympics for Arseholes.Copy !req
93. Yes. All right. Bye, bye, bye-bye, bye.Copy !req
94. And, as I was saying, the last person
I wanted to see there was Ray Purchase.Copy !req
95. And that director's fucking crackers.Copy !req
96. Acker is very highly strung,
but he inspires fierce loyalty.Copy !req
97. Even when he killed one of his actors, the
rest of the cast remained devoted to him.Copy !req
98. - I'm not saying he lacks charisma.
- He's passionate.Copy !req
99. - Sorry, did you say he killed an actor?
- Yes.Copy !req
100. On some Pinter play, about ten years ago.
He killed an actor.Copy !req
101. Christ!
Well, even Pinter wouldn't do that.Copy !req
102. The actor... Ah, can't remember his name.Copy !req
103. Wasn't much cop,
from what can I remember. Anyway,Copy !req
104. he wouldn't do what Acker wanted,
so Acker stabbed him.Copy !req
105. Actor died, but Acker got away
with manslaughter.Copy !req
106. Good grief!Copy !req
107. The judge had seen his Trojan Women
at the National,Copy !req
108. and was a huge fan, so he got off.Copy !req
109. You know, I'm not sure I should be working
with a director that murders actors.Copy !req
110. Well, it might undo the damage
of you being in that play.Copy !req
111. Everyone hates that play.
It feels worse than being a paedophile.Copy !req
112. Really, Toast! What a thing to say
in the current climate!Copy !req
113. Well, you put me
in that bloody play, Jane!Copy !req
114. - I didn't want to do it!Copy !req
115. - Oh...
- Jane Plough.Copy !req
116. Spelt P-L-O-U-G-H.
Pronounced "Pluff"'.Copy !req
117. - He's very much a family man.
- Who?Copy !req
118. But the '70s was ages ago.
He probably doesn't remem...Copy !req
119. - Who?
- Just one moment, please.Copy !req
120. Scotland Yard are investigating
another client. Could you just slink off?Copy !req
121. Ah, hello.Copy !req
122. Yes, I saw your advert on the computer,
and I quite like...Copy !req
123. A... a blonde, yes, yes.Copy !req
124. Blonde is my favourite colour. Ha!Copy !req
125. So, we could meet tomorrow at 4pm
at the Baybury Hotel, South Kensington?Copy !req
126. I'm a travelling salesman.Copy !req
127. Look, how much will it cost?Copy !req
128. No, I'm not VAT-registered.Copy !req
129. OK. My name is Royce Coolidge.Copy !req
130. And her name is Lorry?Copy !req
131. What, L-O-R-R-Y?Copy !req
132. No, L-O-R-I.Copy !req
133. I see.Copy !req
134. No, I don't have a loyalty card.Copy !req
135. Thanking you.Copy !req
136. Ooh.Copy !req
137. £400.Copy !req
138. Mm!Copy !req
139. Very good.Copy !req
140. Steven?Copy !req
141. - Greta!
- I didn't recognise you with that...Copy !req
142. I fell out of a tree. You're gorgeous.
I mean, you look gorgeous.Copy !req
143. - How's Ellen?
- Who?Copy !req
144. - Your wife?
- My soon-to-be ex-wife, actually.Copy !req
145. I'm a gay divorcée. I'm not gay.
Are you still acting?Copy !req
146. - Nah, not as much.
- Oh, that's a shame. You were quite good.Copy !req
147. How's Fuck Face? What's his name, Gary?Copy !req
148. Oh, yeah, we're divorced too.Copy !req
149. I'm going to my club for a cocktail.
Do you fancy joining me?Copy !req
150. Er...Copy !req
151. Oh, come on.Copy !req
152. Yeah, all right.Copy !req
153. Yes!Copy !req
154. So, you're a TV producer now.
What are you working on these days?Copy !req
155. A documentary, six-part thing.
It's called London Lives.Copy !req
156. It's kind of about the dark underbelly
of the capital.Copy !req
157. Ah! Sounds good.Copy !req
158. Yeah, but it's just a job, you know.
I prefer getting my kicks in other ways.Copy !req
159. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I remember.Copy !req
160. - I like trying new things.Copy !req
161. I'm an excitement junkie.Copy !req
162. Me too.Copy !req
163. Shall we meet up again next week?Copy !req
164. Yeah. Why don't I just give you my card?Copy !req
165. - Shall we say Friday, provisionally?
- Yes.Copy !req
166. So, why don't you ring me
and we'll hook up?Copy !req
167. Yes.Copy !req
168. I think Steven should lead the Shaka.Copy !req
169. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
170. Ooga shaka! Ooga, ooga!
Ooga shaka! Ooga, ooga!Copy !req
171. Ooga shaka! Ooga, ooga!
Ooga shaka! Ooga, ooga!Copy !req
172. Ooga shaka! Ooga, ooga!Copy !req
173. Excuse me, please!Copy !req
174. - What the hell's up with him?Copy !req
175. You know he murdered an actor?Copy !req
176. What?Copy !req
177. I'd keep your stupid mouth shut
about that, Toast.Copy !req
178. But he was murdered.Copy !req
179. It was manslaughter. A second-rate actor
gets killed by the director.Copy !req
180. - No big deal. Happens every day.
- Does it?Copy !req
181. I really wouldn't mention it again, Toast.Copy !req
182. - Steven.
- Aah!Copy !req
183. A quick word.Copy !req
184. You have fun.Copy !req
185. You're trying to undermine me. Why?Copy !req
186. What?Copy !req
187. I expect total loyalty
from my actors at all times.Copy !req
188. I feel, for any project to work, I need
to have them just where I want them.Copy !req
189. By the balls.Copy !req
190. By the balls, eh?Copy !req
191. Quick question.
Have you ever had anybody by the balls?Copy !req
192. - Literally?
- Yes. I mean literally.Copy !req
193. To feel another man's cojones
lying in the palm of one's hand.Copy !req
194. Ever had that experience, Steven?Copy !req
195. I can't say I have. You?Copy !req
196. Yes, I have. With Benedict Cumberbatch.Copy !req
197. - Who?
- I felt them literally rolling around.Copy !req
198. Both of us staring into each other's eyes.Copy !req
199. It seemed like an eternity,
but it was less than half an hour.Copy !req
200. He cracked in the end.Copy !req
201. We did it my way.Copy !req
202. - I'm not joking, Steven!Copy !req
203. This isn't Michael Mclntyre's
Comedy Roadshow.Copy !req
204. And when I say literally,
I do, of course, literally mean literally.Copy !req
205. Check this one out, mate!Copy !req
206. Over here, you great galah!Copy !req
207. - Jesus Christ!
- We need to talk to you, Toast.Copy !req
208. You are in serious danger of jeopardising
this production, because you hate Acker.Copy !req
209. - Do you hate Acker?
- I hardly know the man.Copy !req
210. He believes you're not showing him
the requisite loyalty. He needs a lot ofCopy !req
211. - reassurance, Toast.
- Now, I have to ask you something else.Copy !req
212. - Confidentially.
- What?Copy !req
213. - Do you know about the other murder?
- What other murder?Copy !req
214. Ray, don't ask him
if he knows about the other murder.Copy !req
215. But I thought you...Copy !req
216. I wasn't going to ask him
about the other murder, Ray.Copy !req
217. I was going to ask him
about the extra rehearsal on Saturday.Copy !req
218. You don't know about that, do you?Copy !req
219. - What? The extra rehearsal?
- No. The other murder.Copy !req
220. Stop mentioning that, Ray!
Anyway,Copy !req
221. - you don't know about it, do you?
- What?Copy !req
222. The thing that Ray mentioned there,
but shouldn't have mentioned.Copy !req
223. I don't know anything.Copy !req
224. - This is fucking ridiculous.
That's good.Copy !req
225. Don't tell anyone about it.Copy !req
226. - Look, if someone has been...
Sorry, mate!Copy !req
227. Can we have our Frisbee back?Copy !req
228. What the...Copy !req
229. Do you want to join in?Copy !req
230. Oh, good catch.Copy !req
231. Aaah!Copy !req
232. That's for fucking my wife, and for
making me look a dog's nut back there!Copy !req
233. So, the implication was that
Acker's murdered someone else?Copy !req
234. I got that distinct impression.Copy !req
235. I think Ray Purchase got cack-mouthed
and revealed it in error.Copy !req
236. - Very odd.
- Shouldn't we contact the police?Copy !req
237. Well, with murders, once you get
the police in, things can get complicated.Copy !req
238. I agree. If ever I heard about a murder,
I wouldn't contact the police.Copy !req
239. Why not? Overcrowded prisons?Copy !req
240. No, much along the lines
of what you've just said.Copy !req
241. Once you get the police involved
with a murder, things can escalate.Copy !req
242. Look, you have to get me
out of this Acker play.Copy !req
243. I mean, tell him anything.
Tell him I've got VD.Copy !req
244. Where would you get it? You haven't been
exactly active recently.Copy !req
245. Yeah.Copy !req
246. Now, listen, Toast, I think it's important
you don't cross Acker.Copy !req
247. You just do what he says.
You don't want him as an enemy.Copy !req
248. Now, bugger off, Toast.Copy !req
249. I've got Strawberry Rathbone popping in
in 15 minutes.Copy !req
250. If she sees you here, there'll be a scene.Copy !req
251. A scene, you say?
That'll be a first for her in a while.Copy !req
252. Oh! Jesus Christ, Ed!
What are you playing at?Copy !req
253. Ooh, sorry, Toast.
I didn't know my own strength.Copy !req
254. Fire and fucking blast! Not again!Copy !req
255. Language violation, Toast.
Are you all right?Copy !req
256. Well, if it's the crown jewels
you're referring to, Ed, not good.Copy !req
257. OK. Ladies and gentlemen,
play is suspended. Thank you.Copy !req
258. Something on your mind, Toast?Copy !req
259. Do you remember Greta Cargo from RADA?Copy !req
260. Oh, yeah. Very much into sex, if I recall.Copy !req
261. I bumped into her on the street.
Always thought she was great.Copy !req
262. In fact, that's an anagram of her name.
"Great". You just swap the A and the T.Copy !req
263. - It's a very simple one, but...
- So it is.Copy !req
264. Anyway, I've created a bit of a problem
for myself. I've contacted an agency.Copy !req
265. - An estate agency?
- No, a different kind of agency.Copy !req
266. - A travel agency?
- What? No, an escort agency.Copy !req
267. Oh, I see.Copy !req
268. Well, lots of chaps use agencies.Copy !req
269. I've read about it.
I mean, you might have done it.Copy !req
270. I haven't done it.Copy !req
271. - Well, that's fine.
- Yeah, but I haven't done it.Copy !req
272. OK, I mean, if you had...Copy !req
273. - I honestly haven't done it!
- All right!Copy !req
274. So... I'm meeting this escort
in this posh hotel in South Ken tomorrow.Copy !req
275. I can't wait.
It does a great afternoon tea as well.Copy !req
276. So this is the dilemma. If I hook up
with the escort, the sex is guaranteed.Copy !req
277. If I meet Greta and nothing happens,
I'll shit out and be doubly disappointed.Copy !req
278. - You want my advice?
- Yeah.Copy !req
279. - Go where the sex is.
- That's exactly what I was thinking.Copy !req
280. After all, it's only, what, 400 quid?Copy !req
281. 400 quid. How do you know?Copy !req
282. Guess.Copy !req
283. Well, you're spot-on.Copy !req
284. It was a guess, Toast. Just a guess.Copy !req
285. Yeaaaahhh.Copy !req
286. Guess.Copy !req
287. Reception? Hello. Yes, I'm
the travelling salesman from room 560.Copy !req
288. I'm expecting a visitor.Copy !req
289. She's blonde and her name is Lori.Copy !req
290. Just... I'll be here. Just ring up.
I'll come straight down.Copy !req
291. Toast.Copy !req
292. Toast. It's Acker Herron.
Meet me at the Olympian Club.Copy !req
293. You want to meet now?Copy !req
294. - Yes, now.
- But I have to...Copy !req
295. I wouldn't waste our time
unless it was important.Copy !req
296. I can't! I've got to...Copy !req
297. I'll text you the address.Copy !req
298. What the fu...
Who the shit does he think he is?Copy !req
299. Fencing tells one so much about a fellow,Copy !req
300. about his commitment, his loyalty,
about how much of a man he is.Copy !req
301. Do we have to? I have
an afternoon tea appointment at four.Copy !req
302. Oh, God.Copy !req
303. You have a natural talent, Toast.Copy !req
304. I like to think
I've mastered the basic skills.Copy !req
305. - Aaah!
- That hurt, did it?Copy !req
306. - Shit!
- Your suit's fittedCopy !req
307. with electronic sensors.Copy !req
308. A direct hit results in
a massive electric shock,Copy !req
309. enough to kill a small dog.Copy !req
310. What the hell are you playing at?Copy !req
311. I'm testing you out, Toast. I want to make
sure you're the kind of man I can rely on.Copy !req
312. - Aaarghhh!Copy !req
313. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
314. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
315. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
316. I think you proved yourself out there.
You passed part one of the test.Copy !req
317. Part one? I dread to think
what part two entails.Copy !req
318. Of course.Copy !req
319. Yes, it's me, Toast. Ray fucking Purchase.
Your worst nightmare.Copy !req
320. Oh!Copy !req
321. How does that feel, Toast?Copy !req
322. - Grab the other one, Ray.
- Huh!Copy !req
323. Eeh!Copy !req
324. Cumberbatch lasted less than
half an hour.Copy !req
325. - Who?
- Fassbender barely 20 minutes.Copy !req
326. You think it's clever, do you,
grabbing a man's balls in the shower?Copy !req
327. You're pathetic. Both of you.Copy !req
328. We're not letting go, Toast.
We're going to break your balls.Copy !req
329. Metaphorically and literally.Copy !req
330. Huhh!Copy !req
331. 45 minutes. I'm impressed.Copy !req
332. - What time's your appointment?
- Four o'clock.Copy !req
333. And it's crucial I don't arrive at this
particular appointment with crushed nuts.Copy !req
334. Uh! Eeh!Copy !req
335. I think you've made your point.Copy !req
336. Do you swear total loyalty to me
and to the production?Copy !req
337. Yes!Copy !req
338. Ha-ha!Copy !req
339. I just know we're going to achieve
great things with this play.Copy !req
340. This is a terrible time for theatre.Copy !req
341. Have you heard about that shit
that's on at the Playhouse?Copy !req
342. It's everything I hate!Copy !req
343. All the actors in that should be
stripped naked, shot and shat on.Copy !req
344. Hang on a second.Copy !req
345. Toast's in that play.Copy !req
346. You're in that play.
He's in that play, Acker.Copy !req
347. OK. Well, that's...Copy !req
348. that's rather disappointing.Copy !req
349. Give me a moment.Copy !req
350. I just need to think about strategy here.Copy !req
351. I'll be back in a minute.Copy !req
352. Why are you such a grass, Purchase?Copy !req
353. Look, if you're in some shit play,
Acker needs to know about it.Copy !req
354. You can't resist it, can you,
poking that big nose of yours in?Copy !req
355. You're such a fucking prick.Copy !req
356. Ray, please leave.Copy !req
357. This could turn ugly.Copy !req
358. - I wouldn't mind staying.
- Leave!Copy !req
359. I don't want any witnesses,
and lock all the doors behind you.Copy !req
360. OK.Copy !req
361. You're fucked.Copy !req
362. So, just you...Copy !req
363. - Ooh.
and me, Toast.Copy !req
364. Shouldn't I put my fencing outfit on?
Actually, you're wearing mine with...Copy !req
365. We're not doing fencing any more, Toast.Copy !req
366. We're doing killing.Copy !req
367. This is what you get
for doing shit theatre.Copy !req
368. You're going to die.Copy !req
369. - Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
370. OK, you win, Acker.Copy !req
371. Is it not customary to give
a condemned man a last request?Copy !req
372. OK. What is it?Copy !req
373. Er... we've left the shower on.Copy !req
374. I hate wasting water.
You wouldn't mind turning it off?Copy !req
375. Oh, fine. No, it's good to be concerned
about environmental issues.Copy !req
376. All right.Copy !req
377. Ray Purchase has locked all the doors
so... you can't escape.Copy !req
378. Resistance would be futile.Copy !req
379. Ha-ha, yes.Copy !req
380. Aaah!Copy !req
381. I'm guessing the rehearsal's cancelled.
Ha!Copy !req
382. Reception? Hello. Yes.Copy !req
383. I'm the travelling salesman from room 560.Copy !req
384. Shit. I've forgotten my name.Copy !req
385. Look, look, if someone comes to the hotel,Copy !req
386. asking for the name of a guest
who isn't a resident,Copy !req
387. it'll probably be for me.Copy !req
388. Hello?Copy !req
389. Royce Coolidge! Yes, that's who I am.Copy !req
390. Yes, she... Fantastic.
I'll be straight down.Copy !req
391. Thanking you.Copy !req
392. - Greta!
- Steven!Copy !req
393. - Hello again
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
394. I'm just here meeting
an old male... man school friend.Copy !req
395. Er... I hear the afternoon tea's great.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
396. I'm working.Copy !req
397. - Working?
- Yes.Copy !req
398. I'm meeting someone. They're called
a john, in the trade. I should explain.Copy !req
399. No, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
400. This is amazing.
Has it got anything to do with an...Copy !req
401. escort agency?Copy !req
402. - Yes.
- Ha!Copy !req
403. Can't say I'm surprised. You were
always pretty adventurous. Shall we?Copy !req
404. I'm not sure what you mean, Steven.Copy !req
405. This is part of the documentary series
I'm producing.Copy !req
406. We're here with that woman over there.Copy !req
407. - Ooh.
- We're hoping to interviewCopy !req
408. the man she's meeting.Copy !req
409. In fact, he's on his way down as we speak.
So, if you could just...Copy !req
410. Hang on.Copy !req
411. How did you know about the escort agency?Copy !req
412. Guys, you're wasting your time.
You're wasting the air in your lungs.Copy !req
413. I know for a fact
that Steven Toast is dead.Copy !req
414. Don't ask me why.
I just know he is. I know he's dead.Copy !req
415. There he is!Copy !req
416. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
417. Shit!Copy !req