Toast of London 1x2

Directed by

Toast's excitement at winning a part in a new play is tempered by two facts. One, his nemesis Ray Purchase is also in it. Two, there's a rumour his director, Acker Herron, has a history of murdering difficult actors. Romantically, Toast has to choose between his old RADA contemporary, the fun-loving and beautiful Greta Cargo and a prostitute...

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1. Ah, your play has got a mention in the paper.

2. There's a photo of you as well.

3. And some protestors outside the theatre.

4. It's not a review, is it?

5. It says stereotypical offensive caricatures predominate

6. in this cack-handed abysmal travesty.

7. One has to try very hard indeed to recall a worse play

8. on the London stage.

9. Actually, Ed, please don't continue.

10. I don't think my guts could confront it.

11. Oh I've had much worse reviews than this.

12. At least you're through the opening night.

13. Oh, they can be nerve wracking.

14. I once tried to kill myself before the opening

15. of a very poor production of Coriolanus.

16. Took a massive cocktail of painkillers,

17. but the adrenaline just neutralised them.

18. If you had have killed yourself your career

19. would've been radically different.

20. How so?

21. Well, you wouldn't receive your royalty checks

22. on those old dramas they play on ITV three.

23. Ah, yeah.

24. And you'd be dead.

25. I gotta get off.

26. I'm rehearsing a new play.

27. Ah, one job not enough for you, huh?

28. Good luck.

29. Quick cooking tip for you Ed.

30. Uh huh.

31. When following a recipe, always put twice

32. the ingredients specified.

33. If it says two carrots put in four,

34. one onion, put in two,

35. half a pound of mushrooms, put in the full pound.

36. Wouldn't you then just get a very big meal?

37. Sorry I'm late, having a shitbag of a day.

38. Oh, you're joking.

39. Ray Purchase.

40. Well, well, well.

41. Look who it is.

42. Steven "hide your missus 'cause I'll fuck anything" Toast.

43. Get over it Purchase.

44. You two should leave any conflict outside the door.

45. Now join the circle.

46. Let's begin by telling each other who we are,

47. the name of our character and

48. something interesting about us. Kika.

49. My name is Kika Bright, I'll be playing part of Stella.

50. And last year I performed Shakespeare in Central Park

51. with Scarlett Johansson.

52. Very, very, swish. Ray?

53. My name is Ray Purchase

54. and I will be playing the part of the magistrate.

55. Something interesting about you.

56. Well, Toast regularly fucks my wife.

57. Oh God.

58. Can we not mention that again?

59. Anyway, I'm Acker Herron, your director.

60. I've just returned from North Africa,

61. where I directed a local cast production of Hamlet.

62. Now that is, swish.

63. Were the sets made of sand?

64. Such a prick.

65. Your turn.

66. Steven Toast. And I'm playing Geoff.

67. Something interesting about yourself, Steven.

68. Oh yeah. I can roll my eyes into the back of my head.

69. Useful for drama and comedy, I should think.

70. Now before we open the text, I'd like us to loosen

71. up and focus using something called a chaka,

72. which is a warm up I learned in Africa.

73. Great.

74. Ooga chaka, ooga ooga, ooga chaka ooga ooga,

75. ooga chaka ooga ooga, ooga chaka ooga

76. ooga, ooga chaka ooga ooga ooga chaka,

77. ooga, ooga chaka ooga ooga ooga chaka.

78. I'm sorry you've gotta be fucking kidding.

79. Okay!

80. If you wanna shit on me, I'll shit on you,

81. but you better be wearing a fucking helmet.

82. It was like the special Olympics, but,

83. the special Olympics for arse holes.

84. Yes. All right, bye. Bye. Bye.

85. And as I was saying,

86. the last person I wanted to see there was Ray Purchase.

87. And that director is fucking crackers.

88. Acker is very highly strung,

89. but, he inspires fierce loyalty.

90. Even when he killed one of his actors,

91. the rest of the cast remained devoted to him.

92. I'm not saying he lacks charisma.

93. He's passionate.

94. Sorry. Did you say he killed an actor?

95. Yes, on some Pinter play about 10 years ago,

96. he killed an actor.

97. Christ! And even Pinter wouldn't do that.

98. The actor, can't remember his name,

99. wasn't much cop from what I can remember,

100. anyway, he wouldn't do what Acker wanted.

101. So Acker stabbed him, actor died

102. but Acker got away with manslaughter.

103. Good grief.

104. The judge had seen his Trojan Women at the National,

105. was a huge fan, so he got off.

106. You know what? I'm not sure I should be working

107. with a director that murders actors.

108. Well, might undo the damage of you being in that play.

109. Everyone hates that play.

110. Feels worse than being a paedophile.

111. Really, Toast.

112. What a thing to say. In the current climate.

113. Well, you put me in that bloody play, Jane.

114. I didn't want to do it.

115. Jane Plough. Spelt P I O U G H, pronounced Pluff.

116. He's very much a family man.

117. Who?

118. But the seventies was ages ago.

119. He probably doesn't remem-

120. Who?

121. Just one moment please.

122. Scotland Yard are investigating another client.

123. Could you just slink off?

124. Ah, hello? Yes. I saw your advert

125. on the computer and I quite like a blonde.

126. Yes. Yes. Blonde is my favourite colour.

127. So we could meet tomorrow

128. at 4:00 PM at the Bayberry hotel, South Kensington.

129. I'm a travelling salesman.

130. Look. How much will it cost?

131. No, I'm not VAT registered.

132. Okay, my name is Royce Coolidge.

133. And her name is Lorry?

134. What? L-O-R-R-Y- no.

135. L-O-R-I.

136. I see. No, I don't have a loyalty card.

137. Thanking you.

138. Oh, 400 pounds.

139. Pretty good.

140. Steven?

141. Greta!

142. I didn't recognise you with that.

143. I fell out of a tree. You're gorgeous.

144. I mean, you look gorgeous.

145. How's Ellen?

146. Who?

147. Your wife?

148. My soon to be ex-wife actually, I'm a gay divorcee.

149. I'm not gay.

150. Are you still acting?

151. Nah, not as much.

152. Oh that's a shame. You were quite good.

153. How's fuck face. What's his name? Gary?

154. Yeah. We're divorced too.

155. I'm going to my club for a cocktail.

156. Do you fancy joining me?

157. Um.

158. Oh, come on.

159. Okay, all right.

160. Yes.

161. So you're a TV producer now.

162. What are you working on these days?

163. Documentary, six part thing.

164. It's called London Lives.

165. It's kind of about the dark underbelly of the capital.

166. Sounds good.

167. Yeah, but it's just a job, you know?

168. I prefer getting my kicks in other ways.

169. I remember.

170. I like trying new things. I'm an excitement junkie.

171. Me too. Should we meet up again next week?

172. Yeah. Why don't I just give you my card?

173. Should we say Friday, provisionally?

174. Yes.

175. So why don't you ring me and we'll hook up.

176. Yes.

177. I think Steven should lead the chaka.

178. Oh fuck.

179. Ooga chaka, ooga ooga, ooga chaka ooga ooga,

180. ooga chaka, ooga ooga, ooga chaka ooga ooga,

181. oga chaka, ooga ooga, ooga chaka-

182. Excuse me, please!

183. What the hell is up with him?

184. You know, he murdered an actor.

185. What?

186. I'd keep your stupid mouth shut about that, Toast.

187. But he was murdered.

188. It was manslaughter.

189. A second rate actor gets killed by the director.

190. No big deal, happens every day.

191. Does it?

192. I really wouldn't mention it again, Toast.

193. Steven.

194. Oh g-

195. Quick word.

196. You're fine.

197. You're trying to undermine me. Why?

198. What?

199. I expect total loyalty from my actors at all times.

200. I feel for any project to work,

201. I need to have them just where I want them, by the balls.

202. By the balls, eh?

203. Quick question. Have you ever had anybody by the balls?

204. Literally?

205. Yes. I mean literally

206. to feel another man's cajones lying in the palm

207. of one's hand, ever had that experience Steven?

208. I can't say I have. You?

209. Yes, I have. With Benedict Cumberbatch.

210. Who?

211. I felt them literally rolling around.

212. Both of us staring into each other's eyes.

213. It seemed like an eternity

214. but it was less than half an hour.

215. He cracked in the end. We did it my way.

216. I'm not joking, Steven.

217. This isn't Michael Mclntyre's Comedy Road Show.

218. And when I say literally,

219. I do, of course literally mean, literally.

220. Check this one mate.

221. Over here you great mate.

222. Jesus Christ.

223. We need to talk to you Toast.

224. You are in serious danger of jeopardising this production

225. because you hate Acker.

226. Do you hate Acker?

227. I hardly know the man.

228. He believes you're not showing him the requisite loyalty.

229. He needs a lot of reassurance, Toast.

230. Now, I have to ask you something else. Confidentially.

231. What?

232. Do you know about the other murder?

233. What other murder?

234. Ray. Don't ask him if he knows about the other murder.

235. But, I thought you said-

236. I wasn't gonna ask him about the other murder, Ray.

237. I was gonna ask him about the extra rehearsal on Saturday.

238. You don't know about that, do you?

239. What? The extra rehearsal?

240. No. The other murder.

241. Stop mentioning that Ray.

242. Anyway, you don't know about it, do you?

243. What?

244. The thing that Ray mentioned there,

245. but shouldn't have mentioned.

246. I don't know anything. This is fucking ridiculous.

247. That's good. Don't tell anyone about it.

248. Look, if someone's been-

249. Sorry, mate, can we have our Frisbee back?

250. What the?

251. Do you wanna join in?

252. Oh, good catch.

253. That's for fucking my wife.

254. And for making me look like a dog's nut back there.

255. So, the implication was that Acker's murdered

256. someone else?

257. I got that distinct impression.

258. I think Ray Purchase got cack-mouthed

259. and revealed it in error.

260. Very odd.

261. Well, shouldn't we contact the police?

262. Well, with murders, once you get the police in,

263. things can get complicated.

264. I agree. If ever I heard about a murder,

265. I wouldn't contact the police.

266. Why not? Overcrowded prisons?

267. No. Much along the lines of what you've just said.

268. Once you get the police involved with the murder,

269. things can escalate.

270. Look, you have to get me out of this Acker play.

271. I mean, tell him anything. Tell him I've got VD.

272. Where would you get it?

273. You haven't been exactly active recently.

274. Now listen, Toast, I think it's important

275. you don't cross Acker. You just do what he says.

276. You don't want him as an enemy.

277. Now bugger off, Toast.

278. I've got Strawberry Rathbone popping in in 15 minutes.

279. If she sees you here, there'll be a scene.

280. A scene, you say.

281. That'll be the first for her in a while.

282. Oh. Jesus Christ, Ed. What are you playing at?

283. Oh, sorry Toast. Didn't know me own strength.

284. Fire and fucking blast. Not again.

285. Language violation, Toast. You all right?

286. Well, if it's the crown jewels you're referring to Ed,

287. not good.

288. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, play is suspended. Thank you.

289. Something on your mind, Toast?

290. Do you remember Greta Cargo from RADA?

291. Yeah, very much into sex, if I recall.

292. I bumped into her on the street.

293. Always thought she was great.

294. In fact, that's an anagram of her name, great.

295. Just swap the a and the t, it's a very simple one, but-

296. So it is.

297. Anyway. I've created a bit of a problem for myself.

298. I've contacted an agency.

299. An estate agency?

300. No, a different kind of agency.

301. Travel agency?

302. What? No. An escort agency.

303. Ah, I see.

304. Well, lots of chaps use agencies.

305. I've read about it. I mean, you might have done it.

306. I haven't done it.

307. Oh, that's fine.

308. Yeah, but I haven't done it.

309. Okay. I mean if you had-

310. I honestly haven't done it.

311. All right.

312. So, I'm meeting this escort in this posh hotel

313. in South Ken tomorrow. I can't wait.

314. Does a great afternoon tea as well. So this is the dilemma.

315. If I hook up with the escort, the sex is guaranteed.

316. If I meet Greta and nothing happens,

317. I'll shit out and be doubly disappointed.

318. You want my advice?

319. Yeah.

320. Go where the sex is.

321. That's exactly what I was thinking.

322. After all it's only what, 400 quid.

323. 400 quid. How do you know?

324. Guess.

325. Well you're spot on.

326. Just a guess, Toast, just a guess.

327. Guess.

328. Reception? Hello? Yes.

329. I'm the travelling salesman from room 560.

330. I'm expecting a visitor. She's blonde and her name is Lori.

331. Just, I'll be here, just ring up, I'll come straight down.

332. Toast.

333. Toast? It's Acker Herron. Meet me at the Olympian club.

334. You wanna meet now?

335. Yes, now.

336. But I have to-

337. I wouldn't waste our time unless it was important.

338. I can't, I've got a-

339. I'll text you the address.

340. What the f- who the shit does he think he is?

341. Fencing tells one so much about a fellow.

342. About his commitment, his loyalty,

343. about how much of a man he is.

344. Do we have to.

345. I have an afternoon tea appointment at four.

346. Oh God.

347. You have a natural talent, Toast.

348. I like to think I've mastered the basic skills.

349. That hurt did it?

350. Shit.

351. Your suit is fitted with electronic sensors.

352. A direct hit results in a massive electric shock,

353. enough to kill a small dog.

354. What the hell are you playing at?

355. I'm testing you out, Toast.

356. I want to make sure you're the kind of man I can rely on.

357. I think you proved yourself out there.

358. You passed part one of the test.

359. Part one? I dread to think what part two entails.

360. Of course.

361. Yes. It's me, Toast.

362. Ray fucking Purchase. Your worst nightmare.

363. How does that feel, Toast?

364. Grab the other one Ray.

365. Cumberbatch lasted less than half an hour.

366. Who?

367. Fassbender, barely 20 minutes.

368. You think it's clever do you?

369. Grabbing a man's balls in the shower.

370. You're pathetic, both of you.

371. We're not letting go, Toast.

372. We're going to break your balls.

373. Metaphorically and literally.

374. 45 minutes, I'm impressed.

375. What time's your appointment?

376. Four o'clock. And it's crucial I don't arrive for this

377. particular appointment with crushed nuts.

378. I think you've made your point.

379. Do you swear total loyalty to me and to the production?

380. Yes.

381. Ha.

382. I just know we're going to achieve great things

383. with this play. This is a terrible time for theatre.

384. Have you heard about that shit that's on at the Playhouse.

385. It's everything I hate. All the actors in that

386. should be stripped naked, shot and shat on.

387. Hang on a second. Toast's in that play.

388. You're in that play. He's in that play Acker.

389. Okay. Well that's, rather disappointing.

390. Give me a moment. I just need to think about strategy here.

391. I'll be back in a minute.

392. Why are you such a grass, Purchase?

393. Look. If you are in some shit play,

394. Acker needs to know about it.

395. You can't resist it, can you? Poking that big nose

396. of yours in.

397. You're such a fucking prick.

398. Ray, please leave. This could turn ugly.

399. I wouldn't mind staying.

400. Leave. I don't want any witnesses.

401. And lock all the doors behind you.

402. Okay.

403. So, it's just you and me, Toast.

404. Shouldn't I put my fencing outfit on?

405. Actually you're wearing mine with-

406. We're not doing fencing anymore, Toast.

407. We're doing killing.

408. This is what you get for doing shit theatre.

409. You're going to die.

410. Okay, you win Acker. But is it not customary

411. to give a condemned man at last request?

412. Okay. What is it?

413. We've left the shower on. I hate wasting water.

414. You wouldn't mind turning it off?

415. Fine. You know it's good to be concerned about

416. environmental issues. Alright.

417. Ray Purchase has locked all the doors, so,

418. you can't escape.

419. Resistance would be futile.

420. I'm guessing the rehearsals cancelled.

421. Reception. Hello?

422. Yes. I'm the travelling salesman from room 560.

423. Shit, I've forgotten my name.

424. Look, look. If someone comes to the hotel,

425. asking for the name of a guest who isn't a resident,

426. it'll probably be for me.

427. Hello? Royce Coolidge.

428. Yes, that's who I am.

429. Yes, she- fantastic. I'll be straight down. Thanking you.

430. Greta?

431. Steven. Hello again.

432. Oh yeah, I'm just here,

433. meeting an old male, man school friend.

434. I hear the afternoon tea is great. What are you doing here?

435. I'm working.

436. Working?

437. Yes. I'm meeting someone.

438. They're called a John in the trade. I should explain.

439. No, no, no, no, no, no.

440. This is amazing.

441. Has it got anything to do with an escort agency?

442. Yes.

443. Ha! I can't say I'm surprised.

444. You were always pretty adventurous. Shall we?

445. I'm not sure what you mean, Steven,

446. this is part of the documentary series I'm producing.

447. We're here with that woman over there.

448. We're hoping to interview the man she's meeting.

449. In fact, he's on his way down as we speak.

450. So if you could just- hang on.

451. How did you know about the escort agency?

452. While this world turns under stars above,

453. it's unfair how fingers point and blame,

454. now I hang my head in fear and shame.

455. Who am I to cast a stone?

456. I've enough dark demons of my own.

457. Just a pawn in a very complex game,

458. now I hang my head in fear and shame.

459. How I hang my head in fear and shame,

460. yes, I hang my head in fear and shame.

461. Guys. You're wasting your time.

462. You're wasting the air in your lungs.

463. I know for a fact that Steven Toast is dead.

464. Don't ask me why, I just know he is.

465. I know he's dead.

466. Shit.