Toast of London 1x1

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Things are looking up for Steven. His agent Jane Plough gives him some exciting news: he's won a 'Best Actor' award from trendy Bra'z' Magazine. Toast is also getting more than a bit of attention from the ladies; celebrity journalist Susan Random and the beautiful, but slightly unhinged, Jemima Gina. Meanwhile Toast's flatmate Ed Howzer-Black has invited his old friend Kikini Bamalaam, the daughter of the Nigerian ambassador, to stay. Kikini is recovering from her latest botched cosmetic surgery and now closely resembles a very famous showbiz personality.

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1. I thought you said you were a beekeeper.

2. No. A beak keeper.

3. I keep beaks.

4. That's an impressive collection.

5. Look, I didn't ask you back to my flat

6. to look at my beaks.

7. Of course you didn't.

8. You don't mind if I keep my sports vest on, do you?

9. Fine.

10. What's that thing on your leg?

11. Oh, nothing.

12. Won't it get in the way? What is it exactly?

13. It's an electronic tag.

14. An electronic tag?

15. Yeah, it's nothing.

16. I got into a little scrape with the police

17. and now I have to wear an electronic tag on my leg.

18. It's no big deal.

19. An electronic tag. Aren't they for thieves and murderers?

20. You've not murdered anyone, have you?

21. Not yet.

22. What do you mean, "Not yet"?

23. Because he's in a coma.

24. It could go either way.

25. Look, there was a very minor altercation

26. and someone got stabbed.

27. I didn't even think it was worth calling the police.

28. Who got stabbed?

29. My boyfriend.

30. It's fine.

31. That dark stain on your rug,

32. is that connected with the stabbing?

33. Yes, it's a blood stain.

34. Why are you so interested in this?

35. I've just realised,

36. I have to be up really early in the morning

37. for a dentist appointment.

38. I should be going.

39. Really?

40. Yes.

41. I hope you're not put off

42. by the fact that I stabbed my boyfriend.

43. Ex-boyfriend, surely?

44. Well, that's a discussion we'll have to have

45. when he wakes up.

46. That's if he ever does.

47. I see it as us sort of having a bit of a break

48. from each other.

49. That's why I think it's okay for me to see you.

50. You're pissed off with me, aren't you?

51. No, no.

52. I know what you're thinking.

53. "There's another boyfriend on the scene,

54. he still fancies her, maybe she still fancies him.

55. Where do I fit into all of this?

56. because I really fancy her too."

57. But don't worry,

58. because I know that Colin would be cool about me seeing you.

59. Anyway, if he's not, fuck him.

60. I think we should take a break from each other.

61. But I only met you tonight.

62. Really?

63. I'm already on a break from Colin.

64. I can't take a break from you as well.

65. Maybe we could go for a drink sometime soon.

66. How would that be?

67. You'd better fucking ring me.

68. I've forgotten my trousers.

69. It's tremendous news.

70. So when did you hear?

71. Just this morning.

72. As soon as I got the email, I rang you.

73. Can you believe it? You've won an award.

74. After how many years in the industry, 10, 15?

75. 28.

76. Time to break open the mini champagne.

77. Now listen, there's going to be a very big ceremony

78. and they're very, very keen

79. that you accept the award in person.

80. This is great. All very exciting.

81. What is this magazine?

82. Oh, it's called Braz with a Z.

83. It specialises in celebrity tidbits and such

84. Braz? Sounds like a bongo mag.

85. A what?

86. A jazz mag. A porno.

87. Oh, spare me the confused innocence, Jane.

88. We're both far too long in the tooth.

89. It's a celebrity magazine, Toast.

90. It's read by more people

91. than read your bingo rag, I'll wager.

92. So what have I won? What's the award for?

93. Best actor.

94. Mm. Am I the best actor in Britain or the world?

95. I don't know if they've specified.

96. I'll assume it's the world.

97. And what's the timeframe?

98. Best actor of the year, the century or of all time?

99. Toast, you just be glad you've won.

100. Now, do you know Susan Random?

101. Nope.

102. She's a journalist.

103. She's absolutely huge on Twitter. 300,000 followers.

104. Even Jesus didn't have 300,000 followers.

105. Yeah, I think he did

106. Not at the beginning. Hm?

107. Anyway, she's very keen to meet you.

108. Big spread in The Telegraph and she's paying for lunch,

109. I absolutely made that clear.

110. This is all unusually good.

111. I can't wait to start telling people

112. that I have won an award.

113. Ah.

114. Uh, Toast, I need to inform you of something.

115. Do you remember someone called Kikini Bamalam?

116. I know the name.

117. Kikini Bamalam?

118. Kikini Bamalam.

119. Kikini Bamalam.

120. Stop saying it.

121. She's the daughter of the Nigerian Ambassador.

122. Terrific girl.

123. Had a bit of a rough time lately, so I've asked her

124. if she'd like to come and stay here for a while.

125. Why?

126. Well she's been recovering from an operation.

127. Unfortunately, she's addicted to cosmetic surgery.

128. It's pointless really, she's always been very attractive.

129. But after her last rather painful op,

130. she's ended up looking very much like...

131. It's most peculiar.

132. Well who? Who does she look like?

133. Bruce Forsyth.

134. Bruce Forsyth?

135. Yes, it's quite an uncanny likeness.

136. They've done a radical makeover of her entire body

137. except for her left hand.

138. The police arrived before they got to that.

139. What, so her hand is still...

140. Yes.

141. It's a sole reminder of her quintessential African beauty.

142. It's obviously rather traumatic for Kikini,

143. 'cause she absolutely hates Bruce Forsyth.

144. Although I must say, actually I'm a bit of a fan.

145. Well, who isn't? All round entertainer.

146. - Yeah. - So what are we talking here,

147. Palladian Brucey, Generation Game Brucey or Strictly Brucey?

148. It's Generation Game Brucey.

149. Oh!

150. Although resembling Brucey from any era

151. is bound to be traumatic for an attractive African woman.

152. Given

153. This latest surgeon she went to, a scrupulous character,

154. goes by the name of Beezus Fafoon,

155. Beezus Fafoon?

156. Beezus Fafoon.

157. I haven't heard that name in a while.

158. Really?

159. Beezus Fafoon was a pseudonym,

160. sometimes used by a rival of mine.

161. A total prat by the name of Ray Purchase.

162. Ah, yes. Third rate actor of Vulgarfarsis.

163. That's the one.

164. And I've been fucking his wife on an ongoing basis.

165. He's never got used to the idea.

166. So he's branched into cosmetic surgery then, has he?

167. He's probably doing it just to get back at me.

168. He's always been very jealous and a complete tool.

169. I see.

170. That'll be right. I can just picture the scene.

171. So you want to look like her?

172. No problem.

173. So I'll just inject you with this.

174. So you think he set himself up as a rogue cosmetic surgeon

175. to operate on a friend of a friend of yours,

176. disfigure her and turn her into a Bruce Forsyth lookalike

177. just to piss you off?

178. Yep. Thing is, I'm not even that pissed off.

179. Excuse me, which one of you ladies

180. is here to meet Steven Toast?

181. Steven. Hi.

182. I'm Susan Random.

183. I'm Steven Toast.

184. Do sit down.

185. I intend to

186. Thanks for agreeing to the interview.

187. Would you like a drink?

188. Are you having one?

189. I'm working.

190. Of course.

191. If you want one, it's fine.

192. I hope you're not one of these journalists

193. who gets their subject sloshed so they spill the beans,

194. 'cause that isn't gonna happen.

195. It seems odd that this is an interview

196. 'cause it's just like chatting to an old friend.

197. I feel that too.

198. I admit I was planning a bit of a hatchet job.

199. Sort of, "Stephen Toast is a massive prick."

200. But it just seems that we have so much in common.

201. I've got so much in common too.

202. Listen, I have to do this fucking play tonight.

203. Maybe we can meet tomorrow afternoon?

204. We could go for a walk.

205. I live near the canal, so...

206. A walk along the canal, how delightful.

207. Do you read poetry? The best poetry is about canals.

208. I love canal poetry.

209. The only thing I don't like about the word canal

210. is if you remove the C, it spells anal.

211. - Yes.

212. Have to get a bus.

213. Okay.

214. See you tomorrow.

215. See you tomorrow.

216. Hello.

217. Jesus Christ! You scared the shit outta me.

218. Who is she?

219. She's just a journalist doing a piece about me.

220. I've gotta go.

221. I-

222. Oh, damn it! It's my electronic tag.

223. I must be beyond the 10 mile zone.

224. Really?

225. Yeah, this must be the line right here.

226. Well, it's a great system.

227. I hope you're gonna call me.

228. Absolutely, as soon as I have a spare moment.

229. You'd better, Toast.

230. Thank you.

231. Although I'm honoured to receive this award,

232. it's not a surprise.

233. Pleased with your award, are you, Toast?

234. Yes. About bloody time this industry recognise me.

235. And to celebrate,

236. I'm planning a romantic walk along a canal.

237. Oh, I fell into a canal once,

238. when I was filming that episode of Minder.

239. I was handcuffed to Diana Quick.

240. Well, I'll be accompanied by the delightful Susan Random.

241. Susan Random, the journalist?

242. I follow her on Twitter.

243. I plan to follow her myself but not on Twitter,

244. just along a canal.

245. Excellent.

246. Why are you dressed as the Man from Del Monte?

247. It's for Kikini's imminent arrival.

248. I see.

249. It's absolutely crucial, Toast,

250. that we make as little as possible

251. of the Bruce Forsyth thing.

252. - Of course.

253. That'll be her.

254. Remember, the whole Brucey thing is strictly off the agenda.

255. Most important.

256. All right, Ed.

257. Ah, a canal poem by Susan Random.

258. "Dear Steven, my favourite place for water

259. is in a long canal.

260. Although it can be dark and wet, it never is benile."

261. Susan, that's beautiful.

262. Kikini, this is my flat mate, Steven Toast.

263. Nice to see you. To see you, nice.

264. Forgive that.

265. Ed did tell me that to mention any of your catchphrases,

266. was strictly, strictly, strictly,

267. strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly,

268. strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly...

269. You don't look, actually, anything like him.

270. I might need a lie down.

271. Yes, Kikini, you've had a long journey.

272. Let me show you to your room.

273. What, out this way again, is it?

274. Oh shit.

275. It was as if I was in some kind of trance

276. but she does look the spitting image of Bruce Forsyth.

277. And apparently she hates it.

278. I thought I'd hate you before I met you.

279. Everyone said to me, "Oh, Steven Toast? What a cunt."

280. But you're not.

281. You're really not.

282. Just a moment.

283. I'd often wondered how those things ended up in canals.

284. Yes.

285. I'm the sort of person

286. who dumps supermarket trollies in canals.

287. I want to know everything about you.

288. So what will you have to drink?

289. I suppose there is something I should tell you.

290. I'm not embarrassed about it

291. but I have to let you know I'm an alcoholic.

292. Brilliant. I mean, no one drinks these days.

293. Let's get a bottle of whiskey.

294. No, Toast. I'm a recovering alcoholic.

295. I can't drink, ever.

296. It ruined my life.

297. Well look, it doesn't matter.

298. We'll get a bottle of whiskey

299. and I'll drink your half as well.

300. If I was still drinking,

301. I wouldn't just drink half a bottle.

302. Me too, I drink the whole bottle.

303. We have so much in common.

304. So, apart from throwing shopping trollies in canals,

305. being an alcoholic, you seem refreshingly normal.

306. So what else should I know about you?

307. I mean, these things normally come in threes.

308. Oh, that's all my skeletons out the closet, Toast,

309. I promise.

310. No more surprises.

311. Listen, I have to do that bloody awful play later

312. but I'll be free afterwards.

313. Now I would invite you around to mine

314. but we have that female Bruce Forsyth lookalike staying.

315. So...

316. So, is there any room at yours?

317. Oh, you mean for sexy time?

318. Well, I wouldn't-

319. I like sexy time.

320. Great, I can supply my own sheaths.

321. I do have one rule.

322. I will not use extra safe ones, they're too thick

323. and I don't believe in putting in the extra effort.

324. Okay?

325. All good my end.

326. Excellent.

327. I'd love you to come back, it's just,

328. my house is a little untidy.

329. Oh, sod it, I'll tidy up.

330. Might need to spend a bit of time on it though.

331. You could come around tomorrow night?

332. I'm totally free. Excellent.

333. I just need to pop to the loo.

334. Ha-ha.

335. Uh!

336. Call you? Yes.

337. For a drink? Yes.

338. Yeah, I'll call you.

339. [Ed] Come back to bed, Kikini.

340. Look, I think I'm ready to go again.

341. I was just making myself a small sandwich,

342. do you want one?

343. Well...

344. Yeah.

345. I'm not gonna say goodnight,

346. 'cause if I attempt to say anything,

347. just gonna end up being one of Bruce Forsyth's catchphrases.

348. Like, "I'm in charge." Or, "Good game, good game."

349. Or, "Give us a twirl."

350. So I'll just say nothing.

351. Oh, shit.

352. I think I'll have a shower.

353. Yes, of course.

354. What the hell are you playing at, Ed?

355. I know, I'm not proud of myself.

356. It's just, I've always been a big fan of Bruce.

357. She's not Bruce Forsyth.

358. I'm acutely aware of how it looks.

359. The thing is, it's really made Kikini feel attractive again.

360. What?

361. I'm just trying to shift focus away

362. from her looking like Brucey.

363. In fact, I think she may be beginning

364. to quite like the idea.

365. For fuck's sake.

366. So how are you getting on with Susan Random?

367. Good.

368. I'm seeing her again tonight. Going back to her place.

369. Really?

370. Oh yes.

371. Here we are.

372. Good, God

373. Follow me.

374. Right behind you.

375. Not as young as I was.

376. I guess that these things normally come in threes.

377. What do you mean?

378. Well, you appear to be one of those extreme hoarders

379. I've seen those TV programmes about.

380. It's just a little untidy.

381. Honestly, you should have seen what it was like before.

382. Oh!

383. What's wrong?

384. I think I'm stuck.

385. I'm just going to change

386. into something a little more comfortable, if that's okay?

387. Yes.

388. Don't go away.

389. Not much chance of that.

390. This may take a little while.

391. Ooh, yeah. That's...

392. I see you're wearing a sports vest.

393. I would've thought you'd have got in by now.

394. If I could, I would.

395. You're definitely stuck?

396. I should get help.

397. Where did I put my phone?

398. Oh no, no. No, no.

399. Ah!

400. I thought you said you were going to ring me.

401. I think it may be here.

402. Are you sleeping with this woman?

403. Who is this person, Toast?

404. Her name's Jemima. I'm sorry I don't know your full name.

405. Jemima Gina.

406. Meet Susan Random.

407. Who is she?

408. She's no one. We went out for one night.

409. It's a bit more than that.

410. It was a pretty serious relationship.

411. We were practically engaged.

412. What the fuck are you talking about?

413. Is this true, Toast?

414. Of course not. She's a dangerous criminal.

415. No, I'm not.

416. Anyway, there's gonna be a retrial.

417. I'll get off.

418. Retrial for what?

419. Murder.

420. Attempted murder, thank you.

421. I don't know what to say, Toast.

422. I thought we had so much in common.

423. I can't believe you're cheating on me.

424. You need to shut your mouth.

425. So how are we gonna resolve this anyway?

426. I'm very fucking angry about this.

427. You keep beaks too?

428. Yes. I've got about 20 boxes of them.

429. I adore beaks.

430. I really do.

431. I frame mine. I've got them on the wall.

432. I must have several hundred.

433. I just find them so fascinating, so fragile.

434. Noble.

435. I love what you've done to the place.

436. Oh, you're so sweet.

437. You know the rules, Jemima.

438. Give me a ring, yeah? Yeah?

439. We could go to a hotel.

440. Oh, I don't think so, Toast.

441. It's four o'clock in the morning. You should go home.

442. Really?

443. Look, we should take a break from each other.

444. We've only known each other two days.

445. To be honest, Toast, I think you're a little weird.

446. I'm weird?

447. You're an alcoholic, extreme hoarder,

448. supermarket trolley in the canal dumper.

449. However, very attractive.

450. Toast.

451. Sorry, Toast, to ring you at four o'clock in the morning,

452. but the award ceremony is on tonight.

453. You are going, aren't you?

454. They're very keen that you appear.

455. Yeah, I need cheering up.

456. Good. There's just one little thing.

457. What?

458. Well, you know I said you'd won the award for best actor?

459. Yeah.

460. Well it's actually for worst actor.

461. Sorry?

462. It's actually for worst actor.

463. It's a kind of cheeky award they give out every year.

464. I think the finer details must have been on the attachment

465. and I don't normally read attachments.

466. Well you listen to me, there's been a change of plan.

467. I'm not fucking going to the award ceremony.

468. And if this wasn't a mobile phone,

469. I'd be hanging up on you right now.

470. Hello?

471. So everyone enjoying themselves tonight?

472. God, who's this prick?

473. All right, and now it's time to present the award for

474. worst actor.

475. And the winner is...

476. Oh, very well deserved, mate.

477. Steven Toast.

478. All right, all right.

479. All right, now unfortunately,

480. Steven can't be with us tonight

481. but he has sent a major celebrity to collect the award.

482. Please welcome Bruce Forsyth.

483. There we go. Thank you, Simon.

484. Thank you.

485. Ah, yes.

486. Now, very sadly, Steven can't be with us this evening,

487. but I am so pleased

488. to accept this wonderful award on his behalf.

489. That is very good of you

490. to send Kikini to the awards, Toast.

491. She looks like she's having a tremendous time.

492. Lets have a toast, Toast.

493. Although, I'm not sure we're supposed to be celebrating.

494. - Who cares?

495. Oh, bless you.

496. Didn't she do well?