Toast of London 1x1

Directed by

Things are looking up for Steven. His agent Jane Plough gives him some exciting news: he's won a 'Best Actor' award from trendy Bra'z' Magazine. Toast is also getting more than a bit of attention from the ladies; celebrity journalist Susan Random and the beautiful, but slightly unhinged, Jemima Gina. Meanwhile Toast's flatmate Ed Howzer-Black has invited his old friend Kikini Bamalaam, the daughter of the Nigerian ambassador, to stay. Kikini is recovering from her latest botched cosmetic surgery and now closely resembles a very famous showbiz personality.

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1. I thought you said you were a beekeeper.

2. No, a beak keeper.

3. I keep beaks.

4. Mmm! It's an impressive collection!

5. Look, I didn't ask you back to my flat to look at my beaks.

6. Of course you didn't.

7. You don't mind if I keep my sports vest on, do you?

8. Fine.

9. - What's that thing on your leg? - Oh, nothing.

10. Mmm, mmm!

11. Won't it get in the way? What is it exactly?

12. It's an electronic tag.

13. - An electronic tag? - Yeah, it's nothing.

14. I got into a little scrape with the police

15. and now I have to wear an electronic tag on my leg.

16. It's no big deal.

17. An electronic tag. Aren't they for thieves and murderers?

18. - You've not murdered anyone, have you? - Not yet.

19. What do you mean, not yet?

20. 'Cause he's in a coma.

21. It could go either way.

22. Look, there was a very minor altercation and someone got stabbed.

23. I didn't even think it was worth calling the police!

24. Who got stabbed?

25. My boyfriend. It's fine!

26. That dark stain on your rug, is that connected with the stabbing?

27. Yes, it's a bloodstain! Why are you so interested in this?

28. I've just realized, I have to be up really early in the morning

29. for a... dentist appointment.

30. I should be going!

31. - Really? - Yes.

32. I hope you're not put off by the fact that I stabbed my boyfriend.

33. - Ex-boyfriend, surely? - That's a discussion

34. we'll have to have when he wakes up. That's if he ever does.

35. I see it as us, sort of, having a bit of a break from each other.

36. That's why I think it's OK for me to see you.

37. You're pissed off with me, aren't you?

38. No! No!

39. I know what you're thinking.

40. There's another boyfriend on the scene.

41. He still fancies her.

42. Maybe she still fancies him.

43. Where do I fit into all of this, 'cause I really fancy her too?

44. But don't worry,

45. because I know that Colin would be cool about me seeing you.

46. Anyway, if he's not, fuck him!

47. I think we should take a break from each other.

48. - But I only met you tonight! - Really?

49. I'm already on a break from Colin! I can't take a break from you as well!

50. Well, maybe we could go for a drink sometime soon. How would that be?

51. You'd better fucking ring me.

52. I've forgotten my trousers.

53. - It's tremendous news! - So, when did you hear?

54. Just this morning. As soon as I got the email, I rang you.

55. - Can you believe it? - Mmm.

56. You've won an award!

57. After how many years in the industry?

58. - Ten, fifteen? - Twenty-eight.

59. Time to break open the mini champagne!

60. Now listen, there's going to be a very big ceremony.

61. And they're very, very keen that you accept the award in person.

62. - This is great, all very exciting.

63. - What is this magazine? - Oh, it's called Bra'z with a "Z".

64. It specializes in celebrity titbits and such.

65. Bra'z? Sounds like a bongo mag.

66. - A what? - A jazz mag.

67. - A porno. - I...

68. Oh, spare me the confused innocence, Jane. We're both far too long in the tooth.

69. It's a celebrity magazine, Toast.

70. It's read by more people than read your bingo rag, I'll wager!

71. What've I won? What's the award for?

72. - Best actor. - Hmm!

73. - Am I the best actor in Britain

74. or the world?

75. I... don't know if they've specified.

76. I'll assume it's the world.

77. And what's the timeframe?

78. Best actor of the year, the century or of all time?

79. Toast, just be glad you've won.

80. Now, do you know Susan Random?

81. - Nope! - She's a journalist.

82. She's absolutely huge on Twitter. 300,000 followers.

83. Even Jesus didn't have 300,000 followers!

84. Yeah, I think he did!

85. Not at the beginning, hm? Anyway, she's very keen to meet you.

86. Big spread in The Telegraph and she's paying for lunch!

87. I absolutely made that clear!

88. Yeah-ah-ah! This is all unusually good.

89. I can't wait to start telling people that I have...

90. - ... won an award. - Ah!

91. Toast, I need to inform you of something. Do you remember someone

92. - called Kikini Bamalaam? - I know the name.

93. - Kikini Bamalaam? - Kikini Bamalaam.

94. - Kikini Bamalaam. - Stop saying it.

95. She's the daughter of the Nigerian Ambassador.

96. Terrific girl. Had a bit of a rough time lately.

97. - I've asked if she'd like to stay here. - Why?

98. - She's been recovering from an operation. - Ah!

99. Unfortunately, she's addicted to cosmetic surgery.

100. Pointless, really, she's always been very attractive.

101. But after her last rather painful op,

102. she's ended up looking very much like... It's most peculiar.

103. Well, who? Who does she look like?

104. Bruce Forsyth.

105. Bruce Forsyth?

106. Yes. It's quite an uncanny likeness.

107. They've done a radical makeover of her entire body.

108. Except for her left hand. The police arrived before they got to that.

109. What, so her hand is still...

110. Yes. It's the sole reminder of her quintessential African beauty.

111. It's rather traumatic for Kikini,

112. because she absolutely hates Bruce Forsyth.

113. Although, I must say, actually, I'm a bit of a fan.

114. - Well, who isn't? All-round entertainer. - Yeah.

115. So what are we talking here? Palladium Brucie,

116. Generation Game Brucie, or Strictly Brucie?

117. It's Generation Game Brucie.

118. Oh!

119. Resembling Brucie from any era

120. is bound to be traumatic for an attractive African woman.

121. Given.

122. This latest surgeon she went to, unscrupulous character,

123. goes by the name of Besus Fufoon.

124. Besus Fufoon?

125. Besus Fufoon.

126. - I haven't heard that name in a while. - Really?

127. Besus Fufoon was a pseudonym, sometimes used by a rival of mine;

128. a total prat by the name of Ray Purchase.

129. Ah, yes, third-rate actor, vulgar farces.

130. That's the one. I've been fucking his wife on an ongoing basis.

131. He's never got used to the idea.

132. So, he's branched into cosmetic surgery then, has he?

133. He's probably doing it just to get back at me.

134. He's always been very jealous and a complete tool.

135. - I see. That would be right.

136. I can just picture the scene.

137. So, you want to look like her.

138. No problem. So I'll, um, just inject you with... this.

139. [Ed] So, you think he set himself up as a rogue cosmetic surgeon

140. to operate on a friend of a friend of yours, disfigure her,

141. and turn her into a Bruce Forsyth lookalike, just to piss you off?

142. Yep. Thing is, I'm not even that pissed off.

143. Excuse me, which one of you ladies is here to meet Steven Toast?

144. Steven, hi.

145. I'm Susan Random.

146. I'm Steven Toast!

147. - Do sit down. - I intend to.

148. Thanks for agreeing to the interview. Would you like a drink?

149. - Are you having one? - I'm working.

150. - Of course. - If you want one, it's fine.

151. I hope you're not one of these journalists

152. who gets their subject sloshed so they spill the beans,

153. 'cause that isn't gonna happen!

154. Seems odd that this is an interview,

155. 'cause it's just like chatting to an old friend.

156. I feel that too.

157. I admit I was planning a bit of a hatchet job,

158. sort of, "Steven Toast, he is a massive prick."

159. But it just seems that we have so much in common.

160. - I've got so much in common too! - Hmm!

161. Listen, I have to do this fucking play tonight.

162. Maybe we could meet tomorrow afternoon?

163. We could go for a walk. I live near the canal so...

164. A walk along the canal! How delightful!

165. Do you read poetry? The best poetry is about canals.

166. I love canal poetry.

167. The only thing I don't like about the word canal is

168. if you remove the "C" it spells "anal."

169. - Yes!

170. - Have to get a bus. - OK.

171. - See you tomorrow. - See you tomorrow.

172. - Hello! - Jesus Christ!

173. - You scared the shit out of me. - Who is she?

174. She's just a journalist doing a piece about me. I've gotta go.

175. - I...

176. Oh, damn it, it's my electronic tag.

177. - I must be beyond the ten-mile zone. - Really?

178. Yeah. This must be the line right here.

179. - Oh.

180. Well, it's a great system! I hope you're gonna call me!

181. Absolutely. As soon as I have a spare moment.

182. You'd better, Toast!

183. Thank you.

184. Although I'm honored to receive this award, it's not a surprise.

185. - Pleased with your award, are you, Toast? - Yes!

186. About bloody time this industry recognized me.

187. And to celebrate, I'm planning a romantic walk along a canal.

188. Oh, I fell into a canal once, when I was filming that episode of Minder.

189. I was handcuffed to Diana Quick.

190. Hm-hm! Well, I'll be accompanied by the delightful Susan Random.

191. Susan Random, the journalist? I follow her on Twitter.

192. I plan to follow her myself, but not on Twitter,

193. - just along a canal. - Excellent!

194. Why are you dressed as the man from Del Monte?

195. - Well, it's for Kikini's imminent arrival. - I see.

196. It's absolutely crucial that we make as little as possible

197. of the Bruce Forsyth thing.

198. - Of course!

199. Oh, that'll be her.

200. Remember, the whole Brucie thing is strictly off the agenda!

201. - Most important! - All right, Ed!

202. Ah, a canal poem by Susan Random!

203. "Dear Steven, my favorite place for water is in a long canal,

204. although it can be dark and wet, it never is banal."

205. Susan, that's beautiful.

206. Kikini, this is my flatmate Steven Toast.

207. Nice to see you, to see you... nice.

208. Forgive that. Ed did tell me

209. that to mention any of your catchphrases was strictly,

210. strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly,

211. strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly... Ooh!

212. You're not actually anything like him!

213. - I might need a lie down! - Yes, you've had a long journey.

214. - Let me show you to your room. - What, out this way again, is it?

215. Shit.

216. It was as if I was in some kind of trance,

217. but she does look the spitting image of Bruce Forsyth,

218. and apparently, she hates him!

219. I thought I'd hate you before I met you.

220. Everyone said to me, "Oh, Steven Toast? What a cunt."

221. But you're not. You're really not.

222. Just a moment.

223. I'd often wondered how those things ended up in canals.

224. Yes! I'm the sort of person who dumps supermarket trolleys in canals.

225. I want to know everything about you.

226. So, what will you have to drink?

227. I suppose there is something I should tell you.

228. I'm not embarrassed about it, but I have to let you know.

229. I'm an alcoholic.

230. Brilliant! I mean, no one drinks these days! Let's get a bottle of whisky.

231. No, Toast, I'm a recovering alcoholic.

232. I can't drink... ever. It ruined my life.

233. Well, look, it doesn't matter.

234. We'll get a bottle of whisky and I'll drink your half as well.

235. If I was still drinking, I wouldn't just drink half a bottle.

236. Me too, I'd drink the whole bottle.

237. We have so much in common!

238. So, apart from throwing shopping trolleys in canals, being an alcoholic,

239. you seem refreshingly normal.

240. So what else should I know about you?

241. I mean, these things normally come in threes.

242. Oh, that's all my skeletons out the closet, Toast, I promise.

243. No more surprises.

244. Listen, I have to do that bloody awful play later, but I'll be free afterwards.

245. Now, I would invite you around to mine,

246. but we have that female Bruce Forsyth lookalike staying.

247. - So? - So, is there any room at yours?

248. - Oh, you mean for... sexy time? - Well, I, I wouldn't...

249. - I like sexy time! - Great.

250. I can supply my own sheaths. I do have one rule:

251. I will not use extra-safe ones. They're too thick

252. and I don't believe in putting in the extra effort, OK?

253. - All good my end. - Excellent.

254. I'd love you to come back, it's just... my house is a little untidy.

255. Oh, sod it, I'll tidy up.

256. Um, might need to spend a bit of time on it, though.

257. Um. You could come round tomorrow night?

258. I'm totally free. Excellent.

259. Hmm. Just need to pop to the loo.

260. Ha-ha!

261. Call you, yes. For a drink, yes.

262. Yeah, I'll call you.

263. [Ed] Come back to bed, Kikini!

264. - Look, I think I'm ready to go again!

265. I was just making myself a small sandwich. Do you want one?

266. - Well... uh. - Oh.

267. I'm not gonna say goodnight because if I attempt to say anything,

268. it's just gonna end up being one of Bruce Forsyth's catchphrases,

269. like, "I'm in charge," or, "Good game, good game," or, "Give us a twirl."

270. So I'll just say nothing.

271. Ah, shit!

272. I think I'll have a shower.

273. - Yes, of course.

274. What the hell are you playing at, Ed?

275. I know, I'm not proud of myself.

276. It's just... I've always been a big fan of Bruce.

277. She's not Bruce Forsyth!

278. I'm acutely aware how it looks.

279. The thing is, it's really made Kikini feel attractive again.

280. - What? - I'm just trying to shift the focus away

281. from her looking like Brucie. In fact,

282. I think she may be beginning to quite like the idea.

283. For fuck's sake!

284. So, how are you getting on with Susan Random?

285. Good.

286. I'm seeing her again tonight, going back to her place.

287. - Really? - Oh, yes!

288. Here we are.

289. Good God.

290. - Follow me.

291. Right behind you. Not as young as I was.

292. Heave! Ooh!

293. I guessed that these things normally come in threes.

294. What do you mean?

295. Well, you appear to be one of those extreme hoarders

296. I've seen those TV programs about.

297. It's just a little untidy!

298. Honestly, you should've seen what it was like before.

299. - What's wrong? - I think I'm stuck!

300. - Oh!

301. I'm just going to change into something...

302. a little more comfortable... if that's OK?

303. - Yes!

304. - Don't go away!

305. Not much chance of that!

306. Mmm, yes!

307. Mmm. I see you're wearing a sports vest. Mmm.

308. Mmm!

309. I would have thought you'd have got in by now.

310. If I could, I would.

311. You're definitely stuck. I should get help.

312. Where did I put my phone?

313. Oh, no, no, no, no!

314. I thought you said you were going to ring me.

315. - I think it may be here.

316. - Are you sleeping with this woman? - Who is this person, Toast?

317. Her name's Jemima. I don't know your full name.

318. - Jemima Gina - Meet Susan Random.

319. - Who is she? - She's no one! We went out for one night!

320. It's a bit more than that! It was a pretty serious relationship!

321. - We were practically engaged! - What the fuck are you talking about?

322. Is this true, Toast?

323. Of course not! She's a dangerous criminal!

324. No, I'm not! Anyway, there's going to be are-trial! I'll get off!

325. - Re-trial for what? - Murder!

326. Attempted murder, thank you!

327. I don't know what to say, Toast. I thought we had so much in common.

328. - I can't believe you're cheating on me! - You need to shut your mouth!

329. So how are we going to resolve this anyway? I'm very fucking angry about this!

330. You keep beaks too!

331. - Yes. I've got about 20 boxes of them.

332. I adore beaks!

333. I really do. I frame mine. I've got them on the wall.

334. - I must have several hundred. Oh.

335. I just find them so fascinating, so fragile.

336. - Noble. - I love what you've done to the place.

337. - Oh, you're so sweet!

338. - You know the rules, Jemima! - Give me a ring, yeah? Yeah?

339. We could go to... a hotel?

340. Oh, I don't think so, Toast.

341. It's four o'clock in the morning. You should go home.

342. - Really? - Look...

343. We should take a break from each other.

344. We've only known each other two days!

345. To be honest, Toast, I... think you're a little... weird.

346. I'm weird?

347. You're an alcoholic, extreme hoarder, supermarket trolley-in-the-canal dumper.

348. However, very attractive.

349. - Toast.

350. Sorry, Toast, to ring you at four o'clock in the morning,

351. but the award ceremony is on tonight.

352. You are going, aren't you? They're very keen that you appear.

353. Yeah, I need cheering up.

354. - Good. There's just one little thing. - What?

355. Well, you know I said you'd won the award for best actor?

356. - Yeah. - Well, it's actually for worst actor.

357. - Sorry? It's actually for worst actor.

358. It's a kind of... cheeky award they give out every year.

359. The finer details must have been on the attachment

360. and I don't normally read attachments.

361. You listen to me, there's been a change of plan.

362. I'm not fucking going to the award ceremony.

363. And if this wasn't a mobile phone, I'd be hanging up on you right now.

364. Hello?

365. Is everyone enjoying themselves tonight?

366. - Oh, God, who's this prick?

367. All right and now it's time to present the award for... worst actor.

368. And the winner is...

369. Ah, very well deserved, mate.

370. - Steven Toast!

371. All right, all right.

372. Unfortunately, Steven can't be with us tonight

373. but he has sent a major celebrity to collect the award.

374. - Please welcome Bruce Forsyth!

375. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you.

376. Ah yes, now very sadly, Steven can't be with us this evening

377. but I am so pleased to accept this wonderful award on his behalf.

378. That was very good of you to send Kikini to the awards, Toast.

379. She looks as though she's having a tremendous time!

380. Let's have a toast, Toast. Although I'm not sure

381. - we're supposed to be celebrating. - Who cares?

382. Oh, great.

383. Didn't she do well?