Tires 3x9

1. Hello?

2. Davy Crotchet, king of the wild pussy.

3. Glad you're still alive. Didn't think you'd fucking make it after last night.

4. What?

5. I figured we'd have the paramedics

6. banging your door down and dragging your fat ass out of there.

7. - You are a fucking madman. - How'd I get home last night?

8. I put you in an Uber.

9. Oh, thank God.

10. To your car. I don't know how the fuck you got home after that.

11. - God damn it. - Every man for himself.

12. See you at the ride and drive tomorrow?

13. Ri... Ride and drive? What?

14. The TakaTaka ride and drive over at Melvin's Racetrack.

15. We could sign the paperwork then.

16. What? No. No, dude. I still have to talk to Phil about that.

17. - What the fuck happened last night? - Everything fucking happened last night.

18. I'm talking about broads, booze, blow.

19. I gotta say, baby, you were fucking loving every minute of it.

20. - I... I don't remember that. - I believe it.

21. But don't worry.

22. I got photos.

23. Ph... Pho... Photos? Why'd you take photos?

24. - What kind of photos? - Good ones.

25. Juicy ones.

26. The kind of photos that you... probably wouldn't want the wife seeing.

27. Why did you do that, Pete?

28. To commemorate our night. Remember?

29. The night that you agreed to carry all TakaTaka products.

30. I didn't agree to shit. Are you out of your mind?

31. How about I send you my favorites? Hey, sweetheart.

32. Jesus Christ. It's 9:00 a.m.

33. Dinner ran so long

34. because one of the guys went to Catholic school with the owner,

35. and he got us this really decadent cupcake tower...

36. and it just did not agree with my tum-tum, so...

37. - Your car is on the front lawn. - I... I had to get to the toilet quick.

38. Okay. Well, I'm gonna need you to pick up Geneavive

39. from play rehearsal today.

40. Great. I would love to.

41. Is everything all right? Uh...

42. Yeah. Everything's...

43. Everything's great.

44. What do you think of that, Dave?

45. Oh my God! I'm late for a meeting.

46. Okay. Just clean up, all right? You look disgusting.

47. Pete, are you out of your fucking mind?

48. Listen, motherfucker, I need this fucking deal.

49. You'll have your fat ass at that ride and drive tomorrow,

50. and you're gonna sign that fucking paperwork,

51. or Barb starts getting one of those pictures every day.

52. Capisce? You want her seeing pictures

53. of you sucking on a stripper's nipple like a fucking strawberry Slurpee?

54. I don't fucking think so.

55. I'll see you tomorrow bright and early.

56. Pete Seidel is fucking back, baby.

57. That's how you fucking close a deal!

58. USA! USA!

59. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

60. - Hey. - Hey. Uh...

61. Shane, what's up?

62. Oh, uh, you left your scarf in my car.

63. - I figured I'd bring it over. - Sorry. Thank you.

64. No... - I completely forgot about that.

65. No problem.

66. Uh...

67. So what's up?

68. - Uh, n... nothing. - Nothing?

69. I'm getting the kids ready for school, and, um, I would invite you in,

70. but it's very much a nightmare in there.

71. Oh yeah, yeah, for sure.

72. And a very small house, so you probably wouldn't fit. Not that...

73. I can fit in the house. Yeah, sorry, I didn't...

74. Yeah, you... Yeah.

75. Uh, so I was thinking we go out again Saturday?

76. Uh...

77. Yeah, maybe. I... I...

78. I just... I got the babysitter last night,

79. and twice in one week is kind of expensive.

80. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

81. I also can't drink like that again for, like, a month.

82. Yeah, definitely. I'm gonna take a month off too after that.

83. Yeah. You know?

84. Probably a couple small ones in between, but nothing like that. That was...

85. Uh... Um... I'm...

86. I'm moving up at work, and I could pay for a sitter

87. if you and me wanted to get a fancy dinner or something.

88. No, that's— Something nice.

89. That would be really nice.

90. Yeah? That's sweet.

91. Look, I'll look at my schedule.

92. - Okay. - And I'll get back to you.

93. Awesome. Yeah. It was good to see you. Okay. Yeah.

94. Just check your schedule. Thank you.

95. Yeah, thank you. Fuck! Fucking "thank you"?

96. Yeah.

97. That's right.

98. Yep. No worries.

99. Yeah, well, what can you do?

100. And tell, uh... tell Jack to call Joe at Valley Forge.

101. I'm here. I'm ready. Let's do it.

102. Okay. All right. Yeah!

103. What the fuck's he doing here? Yeah, okay.

104. Bye-bye.

105. What are you doing here? Where's Will?

106. He called out the rest of the week. I was the first one to call dibs.

107. He's out all week? Yeah. This is great, man.

108. The other shops fucking blow.

109. This is like vacation for a manager.

110. - So Will's not coming in? - Apparently no.

111. - Well, why'd he call out? - I...

112. I don't know, Shane! He's ovulating. I don't fucking know.

113. Dude, your little fucking attitude, it's gonna catch up to you.

114. This "I'm a mean New York Jew" thing, it's gonna catch up.

115. Actually, I'm Persian.

116. Oh, well, now your fucking jeans make sense.

117. Sorry I don't wear baggy-ass Levi's. I actually like to get pussy sometimes.

118. - Persian, dude. The worst kind of Arab. - Oh, shut up!

119. - We're the best Arabs, and you know it. - The worst!

120. If you guys did 9/11, Manhattan would still smell of Polo Sport.

121. Shane, please bring in the blue Nissan from out back.

122. Or what? You'll go hit on a 14-year-old girl at a mall kiosk?

123. "This is our remote control helicopter."

124. "It's the finest remote control helicopter."

125. "You are so beautiful. I'd love to have your hand in marriage."

126. F...

127. Fucking dickhead.

128. Hey, Phil! What's up— Dave, get out.

129. Jesus, you look like shit.

130. Oh, yeah. Um, I had kind of a rough night and my marriage might be collapsing.

131. Red light. It sounds like a big conversation,

132. and I am only in the market for small talk.

133. Totally. No, I don't even have... It's not something big.

134. I just wanna talk about TakaTaka real fast.

135. Really don't have the time.

136. Uh, but the thing is, I was talking to 'em last night,

137. and they have incredible tires. A phenomenal deal. I think we should—

138. Dave, I have got a shitload of restructuring to do

139. with all the Valley Forge stores, and until I get all this shit sorted out,

140. I cannot make any major decisions, okay?

141. It's not a major decision. That's the beauty.

142. It's a slam dunk. It'll take us five minutes.

143. No, Dave. Not now.

144. Look, I was supposed to be in Boston this weekend.

145. Bonnie's up there at the Salem Psychic Fair.

146. It's a convention for psychics and tarot readers and Ouija fuckers,

147. et cetera.

148. - Oh, okay, cool. What's the et cetera? - She's a witch, okay?

149. It's a fucking witch convention.

150. Sure. I don't give a shit.

151. But I'm not going up there because she won't talk to me

152. because I'm up to my fucking nostrils in this bullshit every day.

153. Let me take something off your plate. We'll make the TakaTaka deal now.

154. Will makes the decisions on the inventory.

155. If you can get him to pull his head out of his ass for 60 seconds,

156. the two of you put your pinheads together, come up with a plan.

157. I get Will on board, I can make the TakaTaka deal?

158. - Maybe. - You just said I could, so I'm just—

159. - Dave, don't push it. - I will go... I will go find him, Phil.

160. - We will make this deal. Thank you, Phil. - You're welcome.

161. Fuck.

162. Cal, you gotta see this shit, dude. It's a cat driving a raccoon in a car.

163. It's shifting gears.

164. Yeah, it could be AI.

165. - It's definitely AI. - I don't know. Cats are pretty...

166. Oh shit. What?

167. Could you help Lucy with her car? Who's Lucy?

168. Come on. Just fucking help her out. Also, if she asks, I'm not here.

169. - Okay? - What?

170. Okay.

171. Is that like a snake print, or is that leather? Is a snake a leather?

172. It can be. I don't know—

173. Lucy?

174. Yeah, how do you know my name?

175. Uh, here are your keys.

176. Thanks.

177. You're welcome.

178. Where's Shane?

179. Sh... Gone.

180. Gone where?

181. Just around

182. somewhere.

183. - Not here. - Okay. Shane?

184. Whoa! He's gone. He's not back there. Shane!

185. Sha... Oh!

186. Shane, are you sleeping?

187. Hello? Wow, okay. Got it.

188. Well, since you're sleeping, I feel totally comfortable admitting

189. that the first time we had sex, it was really fucking bad.

190. Liar.

191. Yeah... Fuck! No. Not even close!

192. - I came. I don't care. - Actually, is your cousin Will still here?

193. Because I would love to thank him for that orgasm!

194. - No, that was me. Doesn't count. - It was not you. It was all your cousin.

195. No, he gave me a book. I gave you the orgasm.

196. - Shane, wake the fuck up! - Nope, I'm asleep.

197. Un-fucking-believable! Real fucking mature. Are you kidding?

198. Oh, I'm immature? Why don't you go home and watch your cartoons?

199. Yeah, all right. Thanks for fixing my car.

200. No problem. - Prick.

201. Did you get that— Yeah, thanks for your help.

202. Hi! Ugh!

203. Hey, Dave. - Hey, what's up, guys?

204. Psycho.

205. Fuck.

206. Goddamn, Joe. How long were you in there?

207. I think that ham I've been eating got recalled.

208. - Ew. - Will? Buddy? Wi...

209. - Where the fuck is Will? - He's not here, man.

210. Where is he, dickhead? - I don't know.

211. - Yeah. He called out for the week. - The w...

212. Fuck it. I'm going to his house.

213. I'm gonna go with you. Hold on. All right. Hurry the fuck up.

214. What's up with this car? - You like it, huh?

215. It's a little passion project of mine.

216. Barb hates it, of course, 'cause I love it.

217. Sucks she hates it. It's really cool.

218. Thank you, Shane.

219. Why do you wanna talk to Will so bad?

220. Come on, just bullshit, you know?

221. There's a new tire brand that I think is a no-brainer for us.

222. It's just there's a real time crunch on making a deal happen, so...

223. So tell me about it. Okay, sure, Shane.

224. - What? - Are... are you serious?

225. Yeah, I'm serious.

226. - You don't fucking care about this stuff. - Maybe I do care about it, dude.

227. Okay, um... uh, TakaTaka Tires. Want me to tell you about TakaTaka?

228. Tell me about... What...? TakaTaka.

229. Korean brand, new to the market, and I'm telling you,

230. if this was an American brand, we'd be paying double.

231. But their unit offering in the market is going to make a big splash...

232. You're all set. Your car's right out front.

233. - Thanks. - No problem.

234. Is, um... Is Cal around?

235. Yeah, he... he's in the garage.

236. - You can say hi if you like. - Thanks.

237. Do you have a gun?

238. On me, no.

239. Because I do, so...

240. Yes, ma'am.

241. - Ahh! - Whoa!

242. Jesus Christ! Gotcha!

243. - Hey, buddy. Just picking up the car. - Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay.

244. I wanted to bring you a tip. Danishes.

245. Nice.

246. I'm more of a doughnut guy, but thank you.

247. No problem. I, um...

248. I also wanted to come by because

249. you weren't answering my phone calls or texts,

250. so I didn't know if they were going through.

251. My phone can be real Jewish.

252. Yeah. No, it's not that.

253. I... I've just been busy at the shop, man. I got tons of stuff going on.

254. Totally. Totally. Uh, yeah, man. Dude, I get busy all the time. You know?

255. I get way too busy sometimes.

256. Quick! Favorite monster truck. Grave Digger or Bigfoot?

257. Frank, listen, I...

258. I don't think I have time for a friendship right now.

259. Yeah. I... I... I was gonna say Bigfoot

260. 'cause of the brand recognition and the cooler squashes.

261. But, yeah, uh... I just...

262. No, timing.

263. Yeah. Yeah, it's a timing thing.

264. Yeah. You understand, right?

265. Totally.

266. Okay.

267. Do you like Danishes? - Fuck yeah.

268. Here you go. They're, uh...

269. They're homemade.

270. Did you just make that dude cry? - Don't eat those.

271. You can't make customers cry. Why'd you let him back here?

272. I asked if he had a gun. He said he didn't, so...

273. Fucking Christ.

274. Bro, it's actually sick. Yeah.

275. You might have got ahead of it. - Thank you.

276. Will?

277. What the fuck? You think he's dead?

278. 15-40.

279. Out!

280. 30-40.

281. Yo.

282. Hey, Will.

283. What's up?

284. - You doing all right? - Yeah, I'm great.

285. Just sitting in a robe watching lady tennis?

286. It's the Australian Open, and it's very high stakes,

287. and these girls would absolutely destroy you.

288. - There's no sport a woman can beat me in. - Running.

289. - That's not a sport. - Do you have a cat? I'm really allergic.

290. Oh no. I hope you don't fucking die.

291. - You guys want a drink? - A drink?

292. - Dude, it's fucking 11:00 a.m. - Come on, Shane. Let's have a few beers.

293. - All right. I'll have a fucking beer. - We don't have time for beers.

294. I actually don't have beer.

295. - I have vodka and unsweetened cranberry. - Ugh.

296. It doesn't matter! We don't have time for drinks, whatever it is.

297. What do you guys want?

298. Dave wants us to go to a ride-a-land, ride-a-long thing.

299. The ride and drive. A really, really good opportunity.

300. - Ride and drive for who? - Uh, TakaTaka Tires.

301. TakaTaka Tires? Come on, man. Have you read the reviews? They're trash.

302. No, come on— They're not trash.

303. Tell him what you told me in the car.

304. Look, it doesn't matter, and I don't care because I quit.

305. What?

306. Wait. What are you talking about? You can't quit!

307. Fuck do you care?

308. Because it's a fucking important deal! We gotta close this!

309. - The company needs this. We need a win. - Blah, blah, blah.

310. The company needs it, but go wait in the car. I'll talk to him.

311. I'm not fucking waiting. We can figure this out now.

312. Dave, he's being a pussy. I speak very good pussy.

313. I'm fluent in what he's doing. Wait in the car.

314. - Yelling at him will only make it worse. - Fine. Keep an open mind, Will. Jesus.

315. It's a good product. I don't know what reviews you've read.

316. Make sure you roll the windows down so you don't die, you dumb fuck!

317. - What the fuck's going on with you? - What's going on with me?

318. Yeah.

319. I've tried to get us out of the shit for years. You've never helped. Not once.

320. Now Phil wants you to get involved, you couldn't care less.

321. Spending all your time with this divorced woman,

322. who, I hate to tell you, I've read this in a book...

323. Okay. - Divorced women are very hot and cold.

324. You read it in a book? I did.

325. - A lot of experience then. - Okay, Shane.

326. - I'm trying to look out for you. - Thanks.

327. I don't want you putting all your eggs in one basket.

328. Meanwhile, Phil's out there getting a new GM

329. and selling some of our stores.

330. Is that true? Yes.

331. - There's nothing we can do about it. - There is. We could work together.

332. You can stop being a mopey bitch, and we can get the company back on track.

333. This is what you wanted, right? Me fucking being invested? I am.

334. You and me could run shit together. Think about it.

335. With my charm and good looks and your

336. disabilities, people would love that shit. They would eat that up.

337. We could go town to town. It'd be like There Will Be Blood.

338. I'll get a tiny chair next to me. I'll sit in front of the town. I'll go,

339. "This is my cousin, Will."

340. "He's addicted to sex and eating pussy. He's a porn addict."

341. "So if I tell you I'm a tires man, you'll agree."

342. They'll all fucking start buying shit.

343. Hi, Shane. - Hey, Reagan.

344. You didn't wash your hands.

345. - Hi, baby. - Hey.

346. Hmm.

347. Ew, dude. What?

348. All right, dude. Just come to the ride and drive.

349. - Shane, it's too late. - Why?

350. - Will. - I can't!

351. All right.

352. Well, dude, I'll go fucking do it myself. I'll get the company back on track,

353. and you'll sit here and jack off to women's tennis.

354. In five years when you're crying to me for a job,

355. I'm not gonna let you do it.

356. Not gonna come to you, you're gonna come to me.

357. Not gonna be crying. Also, not everything about life's in a book.

358. You read tire reviews, you read about divorced ladies, which is weird.

359. - You read about eating pussy. - Yeah, well, the pussy book works.

360. I was gonna tell you not to sit in that chair.

361. Fucking drenched.

362. Ew, Reagan.

363. Jealous.

364. I'm jealous?

365. You think I'm jealous of you fucking sitting here in a robe eating...

366. Ooh! Watching women's tennis?

367. "Ooh, what a volley."

368. It's fucking weird, dude.

369. "This is a heck of an Australian Open." Fuck you guys.

370. He's just jealous. I can't believe he didn't feel that wet spot.

371. He's walking around with my juice on his butt right now.

372. Ew, Reagan.

373. All right.

374. I'll go to the ride and drive and we can do this deal.

375. - Really? - These tires better not fucking suck.

376. What, dude?

377. The fuck are you talking, "suck"?

378. I vouch for these tires personally.

379. They are going to knock your socks off,

380. so put that thought completely out of your mind.

381. It's fucking crazy you even say that shit.

382. Barb's right. This car's a piece of shit.

383. Cal. We need to talk.

384. No. Whatever this is, I can't deal with it.

385. Why don't you have your walkie on?

386. 'Cause I'm not using it. It's ridiculous. It's not ridiculous.

387. The FBI's turning up the heat. Look at Tommy. He's chewing on wallpaper.

388. - You don't care about Tommy? - I'm losing it, Cal.

389. Last night, I flushed my passport down the toilet.

390. What? - It didn't work. Now it's just soaked.

391. What would be the point of that? You guys are both acting fucking crazy.

392. Crazy? What's this, then? Huh? Think this is crazy?

393. - Why are you showing me trash? - It's not trash. It's evidence.

394. Imitation crab meat we found by the car outside.

395. What car?

396. There's an FBI car outside with eyes on this garage.

397. Serious? Oh yeah.

398. Follow us. Come on.

399. What am I looking at? The car was just right there.

400. By the dumpster? Uh-huh.

401. All right, guys.

402. - I think it's time to go. - Yeah.

403. Keep your walkie on, okay, Cal?

404. Yeah, I'll let you know if I see trash by the dumpster again.

405. Yeah, please do.

406. It was just right there.

407. - This is Taylor. - Hey, Taylor. It's Will.

408. Hey, Will. What's up? How you doing, man?

409. I'm taking you up on that offer. Let's do business together.

410. That sounds great! That is...

411. I've been looking forward to this day for so long. What are you doing tomorrow?

412. - Nothing. - Wanna come in?

413. How about you come in, meet the team, 10:00 a.m.? You'll fit right in.

414. Oh, man. I can't wait. Tomorrow's gonna rock.

415. Tomorrow's gonna rock 'cause today was just...

416. Today was just a long day, man.

417. Are you okay? You sound...

418. You kinda sound like you're crying.

419. Am I crying? No, no, no! Come on. What are you talking about, crying?

420. Sorry, Taylor. I am crying a little bit. I'm excited. I'm a man of passion.

421. It's okay if you cry.

422. It doesn't matter. I'm sensitive too.

423. - I'll see you tomorrow? - You got it! Let's...

424. I'm gonna swing in, and you're gonna tell me about the place.

425. - It's gonna be freaking great. - Tomorrow it is.

426. See you, brother.

427. - Okay, see you. - Bye.

428. That guy fucking rocks. Yes!

429. This seat is soaked.