Tires 3x1

1. So that was the guys.

2. And

3. here's your office.

4. Huh?

5. Go on. Give it a try.

6. Oh yeah.

7. Fits you well.

8. It smells weird in here.

9. Uh, it's just the tires and the fumes. You'll get used to it.

10. Is that bad for me? I don't know.

11. - No one does. - How can no one know?

12. Ah! You are gonna be great.

13. All you gotta do is remember,

14. get the door open at 7:00 a.m., lock it at 7:00 p.m.

15. Then Kilah will show you how to do the close out

16. at the end of each day.

17. Okay.

18. Hey, you see that? Huh?

19. "Best of West Chester, 2019."

20. Mm! A couple of years,

21. maybe you'll add a few more plaques to this wall, huh?

22. Hey.

23. You can't cry in here, Will.

24. I'm not crying.

25. But I might cry. Fuck!

26. Hey, Will?

27. You're gonna be great, buddy.

28. It's just for a little while.

29. To get back up on your feet.

30. You got this.

31. Jesus Christ!

32. I fucked my hand up real bad! Help!

33. Jesus Christ, Shane!

34. Will, call 911!

35. I've never done that before! Shane! Hold on!

36. Are you okay? What happened?

37. No, I'm hurt. I'm bleeding so fucking bad. Please!

38. I'm calling 911!

39. Ah!

40. Are you serious?

41. 911, what is your emergency?

42. Dad!

43. Did you actually call? Yeah!

44. - Are you, crazy? - It's ketchup. I'm fucking with you.

45. That's not funny! I just called 911!

46. - Should I call them back? - Will, it's fine.

47. Sorry to hear about your job, man. That sucks.

48. - Yeah, well, thank you. - Uncle Jon, I'm gonna go home.

49. - I got fucking ketchup all over me. - No.

50. You crying?

51. No, I'm not crying!

52. - Crying on your first day? - Don't you have something better to do?

53. What'd you say?

54. You're gonna love it here.

55. Ready to get to work? - We gotta put blinds on those windows.

56. Yeah, we'll get right on it.

57. Shut up.

58. Shane! - What are you doing in there?

59. Uh, business. Business?

60. - You sure you're not jacking off? - No! My laptop's closed.

61. - You don't need that to jack off to guys. - Yes, I do.

62. Okay. Shane.

63. Does it have a tail?

64. Yes. Does it fly?

65. No.

66. Does it stand upright? Yes.

67. Does it live underground?

68. No.

69. So it's not Jewish people?

70. No. That doesn't narrow it down.

71. Come on.

72. Shane, Phil's here.

73. Shane?

74. - Ah! Oh, that was great. - That was so good.

75. Buenos días, amigos.

76. Oh God, why does he bring her everywhere?

77. Hi, guys.

78. - Hey, Bonnie. - Hey, Bonnie, how you doing?

79. It's really nice to see you again.

80. It's good to see you.

81. So you, uh, decided not to wear the new shirt?

82. Oh, no, we went back to the old ones.

83. - Okay. - It looks... it looks good on you.

84. - The color's nice. - Thank you, Bonnie.

85. And, Will, you look very dapper.

86. I mean, was that tailored? It looks bespoke.

87. It was actually tailored.

88. Yeah, 'cause I sort of have, like, a weird body,

89. so shirts typically hang down past my hands,

90. so I have to have the sleeves taken up.

91. He's got a fucked-up body. We try not to bring it up.

92. No, no.

93. So, Will, Shane, let's hit the office. Talk some business.

94. Great. You gals have fun.

95. - Bye, guys. Bye, Shane. - See you, Bonnie.

96. Bye, Bonnie. Bye.

97. Okay. Kilah, tell me everything that has been going on with you.

98. Where to begin?

99. Okay, fellas, we gotta talk.

100. Business is shit.

101. I agree, and that's why I think we should do a commercial.

102. A commercial?

103. Given that we're in the shit, I think we need to table that idea.

104. I think the commercial's actually a good idea,

105. and I've got a bunch of other marketing ideas—

106. I have a marketing idea.

107. Today, you are gonna shitcan Mike Weir.

108. Mike? Yeah.

109. Firing Mike Weir is a solid business move.

110. Yeah, but—

111. His store's been underperforming for several months,

112. and he has been warned multiple times.

113. I... I... I know. It's just that Mike is a good guy.

114. Mike's the man. He's gotta go.

115. It's just, you know, is it his fault? Is it a lack of car count?

116. How long's Mike worked here?

117. Twenty years. Forever.

118. You think he needs a little bit more time

119. to figure out how to run his location successfully?

120. Did you get your fucking ear pierced?

121. Yes, I got my ear pierced, amongst other piercings.

122. - Ew. - Like your nipples?

123. That's a logical choice. - Did you get your dick pierced?

124. Do you guys not like Bonnie?

125. - What? No! - Bonnie's fine.

126. We love Bonnie. Yeah.

127. - I really wanna talk to you about Mike. - She thinks you don't like her.

128. Does she actually think that, or is Mercury in retrograde?

129. Shane, she is on a spiritual path.

130. It's not a spiritual path. It's made-up bullshit.

131. You're dating a gypsy. You're dating a witch.

132. Okay, Bonnie is not a witch.

133. She's kind of a witch. Look, dude, she's casting a spell on Kilah right now.

134. The fuck is that?

135. - Ah, you're just jealous. - I'm not fucking jealous.

136. Phil, we love Bonnie. She's not a witch. At worst, she's a little spooky.

137. - But— - Spooky is sexy, and I'll take it. Great.

138. Everybody likes Bonnie. We'll get a meal. We'll all get caught up.

139. But... - Good. Handle Mike Weir.

140. Wait, wait. No, hold on a sec. Phil, I just... Just really quick.

141. Let me talk to you about that. About Mike, he's such a good guy.

142. He's worked for my dad for 20 years, came to my high school graduation.

143. I wouldn't bring any of that shit up whenever you're firing him.

144. Will, I know it's a tough assignment,

145. but you wanted more responsibilities around here. This is it.

146. I'll make you a deal. Do the Mike Weir thing,

147. and then we'll revisit some of your marketing ideas. How's that?

148. Listen, tell me the truth.

149. Does the earring look weird?

150. No, I think the earring looks cool. Harrison Ford has an earring.

151. He does?

152. Fuck!

153. Bonnie, we're out of here.

154. See you, Bonnie. - Bye, Mommy.

155. Shane, don't call her Mommy. Okay, Daddy.

156. I thought he said Bonnie? "Mommy?"

157. My name is Dave, and I'm a sex addict.

158. For years, I was having relations outside of my marriage.

159. I abused pornography.

160. And I routinely kissed strippers on the mouth.

161. I used to think that stuff was cool, you know?

162. I used to think it was really cool to rent a luxury SUV,

163. put on a pair of sunglasses,

164. and hook up with a 24-year-old nail tech on her lunch break.

165. That's not cool.

166. Not cool, man.

167. It's really not. It's not cool at all. It is not cool in any way, shape, or form.

168. What's cool is a commitment to your family.

169. Uh, to your... the... the vows that you

170. took as a young man. Some might say too young.

171. But that's neither here nor there. You took them.

172. And these aren't just words. I, for over six months,

173. have been faithful.

174. Now, that's not to say that I'm perfect.

175. I mean, last week, uh,

176. Julie was kind enough to share her story

177. about the lesbian experience she had with a friend

178. and her husband walking in,

179. and I know that was very traumatic for you,

180. but it was hard for me to hear as well.

181. And, sure, I feel your pain, but I also can't help but feel like

182. this little nagging thought that said to me,

183. "What if I was the husband?"

184. And what if, instead of a huge fight ensuing,

185. what if both girls were pretty pumped?

186. "Oh, Dave's here!" And like, "Oh, this is awesome!"

187. This actually has elevated this experience,

188. and they're kind of fighting not amongst each other

189. but to see who is gonna get to unzip my pants first.

190. That would be awesome.

191. I mean, it's not awesome 'cause of what it leads to.

192. It erodes your family and that stuff, but I think, in the moment,

193. that would be awesome just to experience, like, from a molecular standpoint.

194. You know what? Sorry. I'm being selfish. At the end of the day, I'm happy I'm here,

195. and it has been six months of just... just wonderful monogamy,

196. and that's the right choice for me.

197. And I am s... I'm so happy to be here, and I'm taking it one day at a time.

198. Okay.

199. Uh, who would like to share next?

200. I would.

201. Hey, everyone. Uh...

202. Last week was pretty good.

203. But

204. I did have a slipup.

205. It was a coworker of mine.

206. He's Hispanic,

207. which I know my husband would not love.

208. But we were working late,

209. and the AC's broken...

210. And the sweat...

211. It just... was... dripping down.

212. - Okay, just— - We just—

213. Just pause for a sec. I have this work call. I have to take it.

214. I wouldn't if I didn't have to, so give me a second.

215. - You could take that outside. - It's gonna take ten seconds.

216. It's not a big deal. We can hop back into the story.

217. You could take that outside, Dave.

218. Great. Uh-huh.

219. What the fuck, Will? This better be an emergency!

220. Hello to you, too, Dave.

221. Phil wants, uh, me or us to fire Mike Weir.

222. Oh fuck, man.

223. Really? Mike was, like, your dad's best friend.

224. Yeah, I know. - He's the man too. I love that guy.

225. I mean, his numbers aren't great, so it's very unfortunate.

226. - But I would like for you to fire him. - I need to fire Mike?

227. Let me guess. Phil told you to do something,

228. and you're too much of a pussy, so you're trying to pawn it off on me.

229. No! Uh...

230. Phil told me to fire Mike,

231. so I'm delegating an assignment for efficiency, and you're refusing.

232. How about I call Phil and let him know you can't fire Mike Weir,

233. so I have to do it?

234. Absolutely not. You do not call Phil. How about this?

235. How about I call Phil and tell him that I asked you to do a job,

236. and you refused, and so now I gotta do both our jobs?

237. Shut the fuck up, you little weasel.

238. "Weasel"? What?

239. - Yeah, a weasel. - You gremlin.

240. This is insubordination on your part.

241. everything that I had, like, all I had, as deep as I could go.

242. Because, you know,

243. Mike and I have just an enormous amount of personal history...

244. almost choking. Like, gagging sometimes.

245. Fuck! Fuck you, Will.

246. You're gonna fire Mike Weir, and guess what?

247. His wife just left him, so he'll probably spaz on you.

248. His wife just left him?

249. That's right. Now shut the fuck up. Leave me alone.

250. I'm at the doctor, and she's telling a very cool story

251. about sucking off some Mexican guy.

252. No. No, guys, could we just actually run that back real quick, please? Uh...

253. - Make sure you get my hog in there. - Yeah, it's in there.

254. Damn it! Now I'm soft.

255. - Let me chub up. Give me a minute. - Whoa. Don't grab your dick.

256. Cal, I don't have to grab it to chub it up.

257. Ugh, God.

258. Dude, stop.

259. Let's see what we got.

260. Oh, it's in there.

261. Yeah, I told you.

262. Hey, Shane. You ever think about doing dating apps?

263. - No, that's just for psychos. - Whatever. What about you, Cal?

264. No. I went on once. I saw the profiles. It's all restaurants and traveling.

265. Yeah, dude, and travel's just,

266. you gotta go someplace she wants to go that I don't give a fuck about,

267. and it costs... I can't afford it.

268. Restaurants?

269. Get the fuck outta here. Gotta go to some restaurant

270. where she just wants to take a picture of some hundred-dollar pasta dish

271. that definitely gives me diarrhea.

272. - And her. - Jesus.

273. Eventually, she's gonna wanna get married and take engagement photos.

274. In front of some barn.

275. She's dressed like a prairie slut. I'm just, like, a fucking gay farmer.

276. She'll post that online.

277. All my friends will see it. They'll know. She's publicly castrating me.

278. They'll stop hanging out, so now it's just me and her.

279. She's got me all to herself.

280. Just fucking taking out the trash

281. and killing spiders she found in the bathroom.

282. Till you fucking die.

283. I don't think about any of that shit.

284. I've been absolutely crushing it on this fucking app.

285. Look at these matches.

286. Boom, smoke.

287. Boom, smoke.

288. Boom, smo— Hold on. I know this girl.

289. I used to date her in high school.

290. She's fucking hot.

291. Yeah, she's... she's pretty.

292. I bet she got an ass like a waterbed, huh?

293. Boom, smoke.

294. - No, no, no. - Hey, hey! No, no! What are you doing?

295. You're not doing that.

296. Are you gonna reach out to her? - Uh, maybe I... Um...

297. Don't worry about what I'm doing, all right?

298. Maybe I will reach out. Also, we have a no WAP policy in there.

299. I can do good on there. Girls like big, tall, handsome guys like me.

300. God, is that what I look like?

301. Nah, you're a beast, dude.

302. Fuck.

303. Fucking sucks.

304. I love Mike. Yeah, Mike's the best.

305. What'll you say to him?

306. I'm probably just gonna cry and tell him he's let go.

307. I've never been fired. Any of you guys been fired?

308. No.

309. Oh.

310. How was that?

311. Not great, Cal. Thank you.

312. Look, worst case scenario, as soon as you fire him,

313. he drives to his wife's lover's house... gets rid of them,

314. drowns his kids in the bathtub, then drives to your house,

315. probably squish your cat, tie the tube on that sleep apnea machine.

316. You'll be like... "Stop!"

317. - Then takes his own life. - I definitely need you to go with me.

318. I'll go with you. I wanna watch this.

319. He was with my dad for 20 years, and now absolute betrayal.

320. Yeah. He's definitely gonna kill you.

321. Kilah, can you not right now?

322. You think, uh, Dairy Queen's open yet?

323. I can't even think about ice cream right now.

324. Why not, dude? You're about to do a bad thing.

325. We'll get you a sweet treat after.

326. Shut up!

327. It'd be fucking crazy to fire Mike Weir with a Blizzard in your hand.

328. "Oh, you're just not doing a good job."

329. Will, we gotta let you go.

330. What?

331. This couldn't wait till after Beth's baby shower?

332. - No. - No.

333. Sorry, Will.

334. It's just not working out.

335. Get hyped a little. This is it. Get ready.

336. - I'm not! - Get hyped! Get a little fired up!

337. - I'm not gonna get hyped to fire somebody. - Why not?

338. Honestly, dude, it's not that big of a deal.

339. People do it all the time. 'Sup?

340. Just gotta go in there and handle your... shit.

341. Oh, hey, Will. Hey, Shane.

342. - Hey, June. - Hey, June.

343. Hey!

344. What are you guys doing here, huh? How's it going, Will?

345. - Hey, Mike. How ya doing? - What's up, Mike?

346. Had I known you guys were coming, I would've brought the maid in,

347. you know, spruce the place up. I mean, this place is a mess.

348. You should see my office. It looks like a tornado hit it.

349. - You know, classic Mike, right? - That's classic.

350. Classic Mike. That we've known forever.

351. Hey, watch those keys for me, all right, June?

352. Hey, you guys want some banana bread? It's Claire's recipe.

353. That's all right.

354. Come here. I don't know if you guys heard, but, uh, her and I, we separated.

355. Yeah, and I'm trying to, you know...

356. Oh, you did? - Oh, I'm sorry, man.

357. Yeah. Fuck, we didn't hear.

358. Hey, what happened to your foot?

359. Well, one of the lifts, the guy hit the button, and it dropped down.

360. - Just dropped on you. - Yeah. Yeah.

361. It's cool you didn't sue us.

362. Well, I mean, why would I do that? I've been with you guys forever, right?

363. Yeah.

364. Right? - Yeah.

365. - Yeah. Uh, you wanted to talk, right? - Yes, uh, in the garage.

366. In the garage. Okay, great.

367. Come on. Follow old Hopalong Cassidy, right?

368. - Hey, you got this. You go ahead. - What?

369. - Yeah, you got this. - No, no! Shane!

370. You're gonna do great.

371. So, how've things been, man? Been good?

372. - Hey, June. - Hi, Shane. How've you been?

373. I'm all right.

374. Yeah.

375. Jesus!

376. - What, uh... what are you playing? - Some zombie thing.

377. Just trying to kill my way out of this cave.

378. Sick.

379. Oh man, this was Geoffrey's old area. Do you still talk to him?

380. Uh, motorcycle accident. He can barely walk.

381. This is his old lift.

382. Uh, you know, it's been broken for a while.

383. - Have you told anybody about that? - Uh...

384. I... I guess I just forgot.

385. You know me.

386. Classic... classic Mike.

387. Anyway, this lift needs fixing.

388. Ow, fuck!

389. That one hurt.

390. All right. Here we go.

391. Your dad says you go to private school now?

392. - Yeah. - Yeah, that's good.

393. There's no liberal agenda over there, huh?

394. - What? - No, I'm just joking.

395. Hmm.

396. So I have a crush on this boy at school.

397. - You do? - Yeah.

398. Ooh!

399. He pushes me and chases me around. His name's Beau.

400. Yeah? Beau better stop pushing,

401. or I'll come down to school and give him a knuckle sandwich.

402. Do you have a crush?

403. Nah, I don't really have a crush. I'm not really around women.

404. Ever.

405. So it's like... Also, if I push a girl, cops come,

406. and they put me in timeout for a real long time.

407. Hmm.

408. What about her?

409. About her? Yeah. She's so pretty!

410. Yeah, I know. Be quiet. You think I should...?

411. Yeah, go on.

412. You're nuts. All right.

413. What's up?

414. - Oh, I'm not friendly. - Oh.

415. Oh my God. That's the worst that's ever gone.

416. - Maybe... I wasn't trying to— - No.

417. Oh!

418. You give terrible advice.

419. Like I was saying, the roll gate there has got kind of a wonky wheel,

420. and then the jack right here, it hasn't been working right—

421. - Mike, Mike, Mike. - What? Yeah? What?

422. - The numbers here... - Right, right, right. I know.

423. I can't— - Will, please.

424. I got a lift that's out of order.

425. I got guys here that don't even have their inspection licenses.

426. And that lift over there is starting to go too.

427. God.

428. Please, Will.

429. Come on, man. Don't... don't fire me.

430. Please.

431. I figure that's why you're here.

432. You wanted more responsibilities around here. This is it.

433. You got this.

434. You did the right thing.

435. - Yeah, I hope so. - You did.

436. - Oh fuck, Phil's calling me. - Fuck.

437. Hi, Phil, I'm just leaving Mike Weir's. Look, I couldn't fire him.

438. I can't do it! You're not fired, but you're not not fired.

439. Get your numbers up 'cause my ass is in the jackpot,

440. and it's making me wanna off myself! I should be doing this, and...

441. Bring it in. Bring it in.

442. I asked you to do one thing, Will.

443. Just one thing, and you couldn't even do that.

444. But he doesn't have a lift that's working.

445. I mean, how's he supposed to,

446. you know, meet sales targets if he doesn't have the right equipment?

447. These guys took advantage of your dad for years,

448. and now they're trying to do it to you and me and Shane.

449. - Well, that's not gonna happen. - Listen, Phil.

450. With all due respect,

451. you haven't really seen what's been going on at the shops

452. because you've been absent.

453. What does that mean?

454. You've been spending a ton of time with Bonnie.

455. You've been hanging out on your girlfriend's broom too much,

456. drinking all her potions.

457. Hi, boys. Oh shit.

458. - Hi, Bonnie. - Hey, Bonnie.

459. Busted, assholes. Bonnie's here with me.

460. She's burning some kind of a weed.

461. It's actually kind of chilling me out.

462. - It's a sage gathering. - It's a sage gathering.

463. Stop saying it. I don't know what it is.

464. Whoa!

465. What happened?

466. You okay? We hit a pothole!

467. - I have ice cream all over my face. - Oh fuck.

468. It's in my eyes! Both eyes!

469. So, Phil, I guess this isn't the best time to talk to you about marketing ideas?

470. Nope.

471. Proud of you.

472. - Breathe it in, baby. - I've been breathing it in.

473. It's a release.

474. I can feel... I'm gonna start...

475. My... my nose is gonna bleed.

476. Dude!

477. I think I'm gonna cry.

478. There's a Dairy Queen three minutes away. We can get another.

479. Hey, guys, just so you know, I'm taking off on the 6th.

480. - Why? - I'm going down to D.C.

481. To do what?

482. I'm gonna go watch my president give a speech.

483. That's awesome, but that's it? - Shane.

484. All you're doing is listening to the guy speak.

485. - You should make a difference. - That's the point of going down.

486. Don't go anywhere near the Capitol building.

487. - Go inside of it. - They still give tours, right?

488. Don't need a fucking tour. It's your building. You pay for it.

489. You are right. It is my building.

490. It's your right to bear arms. Bring a gun.

491. Don't encourage him. - If I have to.

492. I'm talking about political violence. It's time to get involved in it.

493. - You gotta get serious. - I'm serious I'm going down there.

494. I'm gonna take my AR-15 with me, and I'm gonna show up,

495. and I'm gonna walk through the front door.

496. - Yes! - That's what I'm gonna do.

497. - Don't be a fucking idiot. - That is my Second Amendment right.

498. Fuck yeah, Arnold. You're off the 6th.

499. You might be off a couple of weeks after that too.

500. I got vacation time. If I gotta take it off, I'm taking it off.

501. How many vacation days you got? Six years?

502. - I got room in the car. Wanna go? - Just you and a bunch of guys?

503. - Driving down to D.C. with guns? - Why not?

504. Not going to that gay shit.