Tires 2x8

1. Whoa! Sh—

2. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

3. There's a woman breastfeeding in the lobby.

4. - Whatever. I even don't care. - She's got huge boobs!

5. Good for her. Good for that baby. Hopefully, the dad's… good to that baby.

6. You're not gonna look at these boobs? We never get boobs in here.

7. - How big? - They're gigantic.

8. Whatever. Just take a picture and show me later.

9. - You've never seen boobs like this. - I don't even care.

10. I think he's still upset about the news. He hasn't spoken to me all week.

11. Is that a cricket?

12. Shane does sometimes put a cricket in here when he's upset.

13. Effective tactic.

14. He's a very tactical guy.

15. Listen, I need you to talk to Shane for me.

16. I think communication between you two is paramount.

17. Look, Will. At some point, I'm gonna need you to start doing my dirty work

18. if you wanna be my right hand.

19. Me?

20. - I definitely wanna be your hand. - Good.

21. By the way, what's going on out there with snacks?

22. - There's hardly anything. It's a bad look. - Oh, I'm ordering pizza.

23. Good idea.

24. Let's get four meat lovers, four plain cheese.

25. Are there really that many meat eaters here?

26. Because people say they want meat, but then they just eat cheese,

27. and that screws over the plain cheese people.

28. It does happen. People get fast and loose.

29. They say, "Oh, I want meat," then go,

30. "I'll try some plain," but then there's no plain left.

31. You know, honestly, I think if we start making some money around here,

32. I might, during a time like this, order myself a large, plain cheese pizza

33. because then I wouldn't have to…

34. I knew that would eventually end.

35. Father of mine

36. Tell me, where have you been?

37. You know, I just closed my eyes

38. My whole world disappeared…

39. - Think that's about me? - Father of mine

40. Take me back to the day…

41. Who knows?

42. …your golden boy Just before you…

43. Thanks for all you've done.

44. - Appreciate it. Okay. - Of course.

45. - Hey, Jon. - Hey, Darnell. How are ya?

46. Hey, guys.

47. - What's going on? - Good.

48. It's all right. Plant those cookies and bring a couple over.

49. - You all right? - Yeah.

50. So we're gonna buy a house, tell 'em we can afford this shit.

51. - You know? - Yeah.

52. All right. Hey, nice to see you. Good to see you, Darnell.

53. Thanks, Dave. And I'm Jon, by the way.

54. How you doing?

55. Real good.

56. - What did he tell you to tell me? - Who… Uh…

57. He wants to know why you're so mad.

58. I'm not mad.

59. - Fucking girls get mad. I'm stewing. - What can I do to help?

60. Two months ago, everything was good. I was getting a bonus every week.

61. Phil was in Key West.

62. Now he comes up here, wines and dines you, gets right in your pants.

63. - He's not in my pants! - He's not in your pants.

64. - He's got his hand up your butt. - No.

65. He's using you. He's going,

66. "You should be nice to your dad." You're his butt-puppet.

67. I'm not. I'm his right-hand man.

68. He's trying to talk to me through your butt. I'm not falling for it.

69. He's not using my butt. He's using my mouth.

70. Wait! Shane, you know what you're being?

71. You're being a chilly girlfriend, okay?

72. There's a party going on, everybody's having a good time,

73. but it's cold and you forgot your coat, so you're like…

74. "Oh, I wanna go home!"

75. "I'm too cold."

76. No, you're being… you're being hot bitch girlfriend.

77. The party actually does suck, and it is fucking cold.

78. Everybody's telling you, you look good, so you wanna stay. And guess what?

79. We both know, deep down inside,

80. you've looked better than you do now, and you've got split ends.

81. Fine.

82. Scurry off, butt-puppet.

83. Report another failure.

84. "Butt-puppet" was good.

85. Chilly fucking girlfriend. I won that.

86. Will, Will, Will, Will. Hey. Can I talk to you for a second?

87. No!

88. Look, you're clearly still mad at me about the conference thing. I'm sorry.

89. Oh, I don't give a shit.

90. I'm not wasting any energy being mad at you.

91. You're telling me you don't have any draft emails about this?

92. Okay. Can I help you with something?

93. Will, do you like me?

94. Not really.

95. - Why not? - 'Cause you're a hard person to be around.

96. Says who?

97. Says everybody.

98. - Come on. People love me. - They don't love you!

99. They pretend to love you because you're their boss,

100. but if they met you out at, like, a bowling alley,

101. they would talk to you and then walk away and be like, "Ugh."

102. Yeah, I, uh…

103. I actually kind of figured that.

104. Then why do you act like this?

105. I… I don't know, Will. I mean, you know, I got four older brothers.

106. The pride of the family. Handsome, jacked, tall.

107. Everybody loved them. Girls loved them.

108. That's all they talked about, was just getting girls all the time, and…

109. I don't know. I thought maybe if I acted like them,

110. maybe people would like me too.

111. And I did…

112. I did fuck girls.

113. - I got a lot of pussy, actually. - Okay.

114. - And people did love me. - Can we wrap this up?

115. Whoa. Come on, Will. Sorry. Tell me about your uncle.

116. Why don't you go introduce yourself? I'm sure he's gonna love you.

117. What is that supposed to mean?

118. Nothing.

119. Thank you for being here.

120. Hey, Uncle Jon. Can I talk to you for a sec?

121. Yeah.

122. Nice to meet you. Yeah, yeah. How you doing?

123. - How you feeling about all this? - How am I feeling?

124. Shit, I am so happy. I can't begin to tell you.

125. Really?

126. - Yeah. - Cool.

127. 'Cause I heard people go downhill quick after they retire.

128. Yeah, well, if that's the case, then, uh,

129. I'm gonna have fun going down.

130. - Can people with dementia have fun? - Jesus, Shane. You okay? What's going on?

131. - I think you're making a mistake. - Oh!

132. I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and that can't be a bad thing.

133. Come on. It'll be fine. Let's have a drink.

134. Uncle Jon, you know my dad.

135. The second this place has a bad month, he's gonna sell it.

136. Then me and Will are out of a job.

137. - Come on. Let's have a drink. - No, I'm all right. I'm good.

138. Hey, Dave.

139. Hey.

140. Hey, Ron.

141. What's up, Dave?

142. How you doing, bud?

143. I'm all right.

144. Good.

145. Great.

146. Maybe put that over there.

147. Does he fucking know?

148. Hey, Phil. How are you? Dave. General manager here.

149. - Nice to meet you, Dale. - Hey. Phil, right? Chuck.

150. - Nice to meet you, Chuck. - Nice to meet you.

151. We were actually in the middle of a private conversation.

152. That's funny.

153. - You mind if I jump in? - Yes, we do.

154. Hey, Phil. You got a minute to talk?

155. Right with you, Jon.

156. - Excuse me, uh, Chuck. - Chuck, yeah.

157. And, uh, Dale.

158. Dave.

159. Way to go, idiot. You just scared him off.

160. I didn't. He was barely looking at ya.

161. It's fine.

162. How's the Invisalign going, Chuck?

163. I think you know it's not going well.

164. What do you think's gonna happen to us?

165. - Nothing. - Are you sure?

166. You worried about something?

167. I mean,

168. I just feel a little stuck right now 'cause my dad clearly wants to retire.

169. I gave you a job, and now you're making mine harder.

170. And I can't just force him to work here forever.

171. But if he sells it to somebody like Marilyn's, I'm out of a job.

172. I am firing every one of you fucking blockheads day one.

173. So then there's Phil.

174. If you were looking to get into business with me, you have to show me your balls.

175. But it's Phil.

176. I dunno. He seems fine. I was talking to him earlier.

177. - About what? - The car.

178. He liked it. He thinks if I fix it up, I can get double what I paid for it.

179. Double your money.

180. - He was encouraging you to sell it? - I don't know if he's encouraging.

181. He's just saying it's an option.

182. You sell it and move on to the next project.

183. I feel like I'm a little underdressed. What do you think?

184. - No, you look good. - I don't think so.

185. I wanna go home and change. I'm gonna go home. I'll be back.

186. Hey! What's up, Shane?

187. Yo. What's up with you and Lisa?

188. Nothing, dude. It's all good.

189. Ron's got no idea.

190. Bro, I think he has a fucking idea.

191. Nah, he's just an intense guy. I think he's on the spectrum.

192. - You fucking cucked an autistic dude? - It's all good. They have no idea.

193. They're probably arguing about something else, so…

194. Um, tell me about your dad.

195. Like, is he cool? He seems like a cool guy.

196. - I'm gonna be working for him, so… - He's gonna fucking hate you.

197. - What? - I mean, he's, like, real religious.

198. What?

199. - I'm basically like the Antichrist. - I know.

200. You're like a badass devil guy. Pussy-hound. Devil man.

201. Mm-hmm.

202. - You still like me, right? - Yeah. You're the fucking best.

203. You're one of the worst people I've met. It's awesome.

204. Thank you, man.

205. Just don't bring up any of the pussy stuff, or drugs,

206. or any of the other cool devil stuff you do with my dad.

207. You know what you should do?

208. Look up a Bible verse about hard work or something like that.

209. Okay. I can handle that.

210. "Thou shall not fuck an autistic guy's wife."

211. That's not in there. They didn't know about that back then.

212. If they rewrote the Commandments, that would be high up there.

213. - It wouldn't be top ten. - Don't say any of this shit to my dad.

214. - Fuck! - You'll be all right.

215. I'm fucked!

216. Jon, you just gotta trust me. I'm your brother.

217. - I'm not gonna sell Valley Forge. - You got a bit of a track record.

218. With live bait stands.

219. Okay, listen to me.

220. The whole reason I stayed in this business is because I wanted Will to have a job.

221. - You're not gonna fuck him, are you? - Oh my God. What are we talking about?

222. - Well, I talked with Shane— - You talked with Shane?

223. Yes. He's worried about it.

224. Shane's worried about it? Let me tell you something.

225. Shane is an emo baby.

226. You know he plants crickets in here just to fuck with Will.

227. - Sounds like something you'd do. - Well, yeah. It's genius.

228. Yeah.

229. How is it you get along with him so well and he won't even speak to me?

230. I just leave him alone. Might be worth a try.

231. Leave him alone? I'm not gonna leave my own son alone.

232. Shane's the reason I'm here, Jon.

233. Tell you what. Will calls me every single day.

234. Trust me, you do not want that.

235. Mm-mm.

236. Hey, Phil. Dave again. General manager. I don't know if you remember from earlier.

237. Of course.

238. So this is the sequel to our blockbuster conversation before?

239. I wanna say how thrilled I am to be working together.

240. Wait. Dave?

241. - Are you the guy banging the receptionist? - What?

242. No, I…

243. I'm a married man, Phil.

244. I would never disrespect one of the Lord's sancraments like that.

245. Any man that cheats on his wife…

246. …disgusts me.

247. Some people make mistakes, Dave.

248. You really have mastered forgiveness like our Lord preaches.

249. What can I say? I guess I just really love the Scripture.

250. You know, St. Jude's letter to the Ephesians 14.

251. "May thee not spill thou seed in the voluptuous harlot

252. mightened it spill to the ground and

253. sprout the poison tree."

254. It's one of my favorites.

255. - Right. - Beautifully recited.

256. And I think the meaning, really, is just,

257. "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

258. So you're one of those guys.

259. What? Um…

260. Ugh.

261. Later, Rabbi.

262. Where have you been

263. You know, I just closed my eyes…

264. - Can you please turn it down? - Turn what down?

265. Can you just be a grown-up for one minute?

266. I'm grown up as shit.

267. I got a good job. I got a girlfriend. I have a gun now.

268. Look, I thought you would be excited to work together.

269. I was excited when you showed up, then you talked shit on me at Applebee's.

270. You scared my girlfriend away.

271. You fucking bought my job, which you're definitely gonna sell.

272. If you hadn't scared that girl away by the time I met her, I had no shot.

273. Okay.

274. Oh God.

275. Shane!

276. Okay, so maybe this whole thing was just a bad idea.

277. If you don't want me to take over, then maybe I won't.

278. I don't want you to take over.

279. Tough shit. I already bought the business, which means I took over.

280. - I don't even care. - Really?

281. You're blasting a song about an absentee father for the last hour,

282. and it's my first day here.

283. Not everything's about you, dude.

284. What, are you gonna spaz now? Freak-out on your first day at work? Cool.

285. It's not even the best song on the album.

286. The best is the one about the guy swimming past the breakers.

287. I don't even know who the fuck sings this!

288. It's Everclear. Look 'em up.

289. Fuck! The name of the song is "Santa Monica."

290. I think you're making a mistake.

291. - Are any of these chicks single? - Huh?

292. Are any of these chicks single?

293. - I got a little story. - No stories.

294. This is a business party. Thank you! Thank you, Joe. Thank you.

295. No, I know you don't wanna be a man,

296. but you are, technically.

297. - We all doubt it. And that's you. - Okay, Joe, thank you!

298. - Good job. - Yeah!

299. To fucking Will! King Will!

300. - King of the hill Will! - All right!

301. All right, let's get this rolling.

302. Hey, if I could have everybody's attention,

303. I just wanna say a couple of things. Um—

304. Well, I think we should begin with a prayer.

305. We're not gonna do that, Dave. Go ahead, Jon.

306. Um, first of all, thanks, everybody, for stopping by.

307. I appreciate all the gifts and the thoughts and everything.

308. It means a lot. Oh.

309. Ew. Kilah's hot now?

310. - Holy shit. - Kilah, you look good.

311. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks, everyone. Um…

312. Damn.

313. I thought this would be nicer.

314. Uh… I'm gonna just step outside real quick. I'll be back.

315. Wow. All right.

316. I wanna tell you how great it's been working with you over these years.

317. I also wanna say that you're in good hands here with Phil.

318. He's had a lot of successes running many, many,

319. many, many, many different businesses.

320. Anyway,

321. thank you all for 30 great years.

322. And I can't wait to forget this place for the next 30.

323. - Hey. - Cheers.

324. Cheers.

325. I'd also like to make a few comments, uh…

326. First, thank you for coming here tonight to celebrate my brother's retirement.

327. It means a lot to Jon. It means a lot to me.

328. It's true, I have not worked in the automotive industry,

329. but I've owned some manufacturing plants,

330. some Burger King franchises,

331. and for a short period of time,

332. I was a roadie with the legendary rock gods Foghat.

333. - Oh, wow. - That's some dirty leg.

334. - Dirty leg? - Just means he got a lot of pussy.

335. I also wanna take the opportunity to maybe clear the air.

336. I don't just plan on taking over Valley Forge.

337. I plan on taking it to the next level!

338. Not the response I was expecting.

339. Maybe, uh, there are a few among you that have doubts?

340. Shane, did you have a question?

341. It's not really a question. It's more,

342. raise your hand if you have doubts Phil can run this business successfully.

343. Okay. It's true.

344. Whilst I do not have experience in this business,

345. what I do have is experience in the people business.

346. Oh wow.

347. That's powerful stuff.

348. It is powerful stuff, Shane.

349. Let's move on.

350. You coming in?

351. In there?

352. No way.

353. That's a family dispute. I don't want anything to do with it.

354. Makes sense. You know, no pressure.

355. You do look really nice.

356. Hmm. Thank you.

357. Yeah.

358. You should take a picture and put it on a dating profile.

359. Yeah, maybe.

360. I'm gonna go ahead and start it up here.

361. I just gotta work out some kinks.

362. Yeah, just a couple kinks, maybe.

363. Going forward, I'm going to be leaning on each and every one of you

364. to guide me through this journey.

365. I know sometimes it can be tough to have a new coach,

366. but I plan on taking Valley Forge

367. all the way to the championship.

368. - What do you mean by "championship"? - You know what "championship" means.

369. What if we don't win a championship right away?

370. We're playing the long game, Will. Any more questions?

371. Yes. I'd like to state, for the record, earlier I was lying about everything.

372. I, like you, am a cool, dirty leg-getting guy.

373. Muff-stuffing son of a bitch.

374. I'm essentially an industrial magnet for getting pussy.

375. - You're not a magnet. - I am a magnet, Chuck. You know that.

376. I'm one of those big-ass magnets they put at the top of a crane

377. when they're doing car demolitions. Zsh!

378. Talking big-ass decommissioned buses of pussy.

379. Shut the fuck up, Dave!

380. I don't wanna work Saturdays anymore.

381. Okay, let's save the scheduling questions for Monday.

382. Now, with the exception of Dave, are there any other questions?

383. - I just… Really quickly, then I'm done. - Ah fuck.

384. I'm also not religious. I don't know fucking Scripture.

385. God can suck my dick. Ahh! I'm a fucking heathen.

386. It sounds like you need therapy and you're gonna burn for eternity.

387. Yeah, probably, 'cause I have sex so much.

388. - I love pussy. - Jesus Christ.

389. I love cheating. I fucked one of the girls that works here.

390. - You son of a bitch. I fucking knew it. - It wasn't me.

391. - Dave, can you tell Ron it wasn't me? - You lied about that, you pig.

392. Out of respect for Ron, I will abstain from answering that question, but…

393. Uh, fuck you, Dave! Fuck you!

394. - You're leaving. - I'm fucking leaving!

395. If I see you again, I'm gonna fucking kill you!

396. - Come on! - And fuck you, too, Will!

397. Whoa, that guy's out of control.

398. Hey, while we're on the subject, is it true nobody likes me?

399. Uh, I think I can safely say that guy doesn't.

400. No.

401. Now then, are there any other questions?

402. I never get to watch my daughter play soccer on Saturdays.

403. Enough about Saturdays!

404. I'm saying I would like to see my daughter's soccer game sometimes.

405. Chuck, you no longer have to worry about Saturdays because you are fired.

406. Well…

407. I just don't wanna work every Saturday.

408. You don't have to worry about working any Saturdays

409. any time in the near future because I just fired you.

410. - Uh, well, can we talk about it? - No, we cannot.

411. However, you can help yourself to a piece of cake,

412. but don't touch the knife 'cause you don't work here any longer.

413. Dave, can you get him a piece?

414. I don't want any fucking cake.

415. And also, if anyone else wants to quit or get fired, now's the time.

416. - Shane? - Do you want me to quit?

417. - Do you wanna quit? - It's not up to me. It's your company.

418. Glad you brought that up. From this point forward,

419. Will, my nephew, and Shane, my son,

420. will own a combined interest of 10% in Valley Forge.

421. Congratulations, boys.

422. And, Chuck, because I'm such a good guy, I believe in second chances.

423. Do you wanna come back to work here?

424. - Uh, yeah. - How's that?

425. Yes. Yes.

426. Good. And does Mrs. Chuck have a phone?

427. Yes.

428. Get her to take video of your daughter playing soccer on Saturdays.

429. That way, you can fast-forward through all the boring shit.

430. - Problem solved. - Uh, yeah, yeah.

431. Great.

432. So I'm a visionary,

433. and I plan on taking Valley Forge into the valley of badasses!

434. Who's with me?

435. - Yeah. - All right. Let's have some fucking cake!

436. I feel great

437. I feel fine

438. I'll be all right

439. If you just mind your business

440. I'll keep

441. Minding mine 'cause I'm

442. Stuck on loop

443. Stuck on loop

444. Stuck on loop

445. Same program night after night

446. Although I always watch

447. I still don't know how it ends

448. One day

449. I'll get through

450. But until then, I'm…