1. So, yeah, we're still a small business.
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2. Mom and pop, if you will.
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3. You know, a lot of this job
is talking to people.
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4. And… is that something you wanna do?
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5. Yeah.
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6. - That's good.
- It's selling tires.
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7. How hard can it be?
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8. - Pretty hard.
- What is your closing percentage?
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9. - My personal closing percentage?
- Yeah.
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10. I don't… That's…
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11. I, uh… I know it.
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12. So I'd like to hear why you think
you would be a good applicant.
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13. Half the chemicals youse guys use
contain nanobots, okay?
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14. And the government uses those
for mind control.
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15. Mm-hmm.
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16. Okay, let's just talk
like we just met at a party. Hi.
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17. Hey.
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18. When I was selling shoes,
I would do, like, at least 85%.
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19. The tire business
is very different from the shoe business.
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20. How?
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21. Well, there are two shoes.
There are four tires.
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22. They…
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23. - People need to—
- Uh-huh. You can get it out.
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24. - I can get it out when I want to.
- Yeah. There you go.
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25. So can you let me know if I got the job?
Did I get it?
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26. No.
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27. Why don't you just leave your number,
and I'll be in touch?
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28. Yeah, I bet you'd like that.
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29. I'm a married woman.
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30. If nobody else walks through that door
that is remotely likable,
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31. the job is yours.
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32. Okay.
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33. George?
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34. What's goin' on?
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35. Shane, how are you?
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36. I'm good, man.
Things have been awesome around here.
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37. How's the window thing going?
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38. I don't do that anymore.
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39. We went under.
Apparently, our harassment policy,
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40. which I took to be suggestive,
was quite literal.
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41. And now the business I spent
my entire life building on my own back
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42. is a pile of smoldering ash.
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43. Jesus.
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44. Well, at least you didn't kill yourself.
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45. - Yeah.
- Hey, George?
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46. - You ready?
- Yes.
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47. Are you interviewing for this?
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48. No shit.
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49. Yes shit.
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50. - So—
- My work ethic is unparalleled.
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51. And I am loyal to a fault.
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52. I'm the guy you want on your team.
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53. Wow. Well, I just have
one question for you.
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54. When can you start?
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55. I already have.
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56. Welcome aboard!
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57. - Now, I have one question for you.
- Shoot.
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58. What is the most number of sales
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59. that someone has had
in one business day here?
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60. Great question. I think I once had four—
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61. Great. I'm gonna beat that today.
You have my word.
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62. All right. Well, good luck.
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63. - I did not come to win…
- Here you are. Enjoy. Drive safe.
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64. - You're welcome.
- I did not come to lose…
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65. Congratulations, your car's done.
It drives fine. You're good.
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66. I came to compete…
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67. This is yours. Enjoy that. Okay.
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68. - Drive safe.
- I came to compete
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69. I came to compete
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70. Dude, can you believe George
went from owning his own business,
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71. making all that money, to this?
It's pathetic.
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72. Well, he's getting back on the horse,
so good for him.
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73. It's not good for him. It's embarrassing.
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74. Hey, I offered you that job first.
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75. It's not about the job.
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76. Sure it is. You're being sour grapes.
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77. What the fuck is sour grapes?
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78. The story about the fox who wanted grapes,
but they were too high up on the vine.
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79. He was like, "I don't want 'em.
They're sour." That's you.
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80. I don't want the grapes.
I could get the grapes. I don't want 'em.
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81. - Good, 'cause George has 'em now.
- Good.
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82. 'Cause all I did was offer you the grapes
over and over again.
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83. - Exactly. I said no every time.
- You said no.
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84. So you think I give a fuck now?
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85. - Yeah, 'cause George is eating 'em—
- I don't give a fuck.
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86. All right.
Can I just get back to this, please?
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87. What are you doing, anyway?
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88. I am booking us a hotel room
for the conference.
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89. - You're gonna share a room with me?
- One room, two beds.
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90. Get the honeymoon suite.
Get a Jacuzzi in there.
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91. No, Shane. This is not a frat party.
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92. Just let me drink 150 beers
at a Best Western, please.
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93. You're not having 150 beers. This isn't—
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94. I'm having 150. You're having 150.
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95. We might not make it to the conference.
We're gonna be drunk for three days.
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96. Not even close to what's gonna happen.
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97. - You know I'm getting fucked up.
- We gotta have good rest.
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98. I'm bringing my sleep apnea machine.
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99. Holy shit. You're gonna jack off
with a sleep apnea mask next to me.
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100. - No.
- You're gonna be like a fighter pilot.
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101. Checking for bogeys. Just…
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102. Is he awake?
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103. The g-force is gonna get you.
You're gonna…
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104. "Pull up."
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105. "Terrain."
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106. "Pull up."
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107. - It's gonna be fun, actually.
- Maybe I should book two separate rooms.
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108. Will, I gotta show you something.
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109. - Look at him.
- Do you drive often?
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110. - What am I looking at?
- George is on coke.
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111. - Kilah, come on.
- Boy, I love the morning.
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112. I'm dead serious.
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113. All of my cousins on my mom
and dad's side of the family do coke.
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114. I know it when I see it.
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115. He's just starting a new job.
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116. He's probably excited.
He's trying to break a sales record.
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117. See?
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118. It's a booger or an itch or something.
Come on. Leave the poor guy alone.
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119. - Oh!
- Ooh, a little rim job.
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120. You know about that.
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121. - Come on!
- Hold on.
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122. What?
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123. What is that?
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124. Bro!
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125. Look at this.
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126. Is that a turtle?
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127. What are you doing here?
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128. Never thought I'd be a fucking turtle guy,
but this is my best friend.
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129. - Keeping this thing?
- Hell yeah, I'm keeping him.
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130. He's not a thing.
His name's Jerome Bettis. He's my buddy.
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131. - He's a turtle.
- I like him better than you already.
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132. What?
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133. Hello?
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134. Hey, I can't stop thinking about you.
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135. I'm so horny.
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136. I think you have the wrong number,
but if that guy doesn't answer, call back.
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137. It's Kelly.
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138. - What's up?
- Oh, hey.
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139. Nothing. Uh, just…
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140. - What's up with you, though?
- Not much.
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141. Just, uh, catering
this kid's birthday party,
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142. and one of the kids shit his pants
in the bounce house,
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143. so we're wrapping it up.
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144. - Been there.
- Are you hungry?
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145. We have a bunch of hoagies
and a half-eaten cake.
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146. I can bring it over if you want.
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147. Now I'm the fucking horny pervert. Yes!
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148. Okay.
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149. Too far. I'll see you soon.
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150. All right, see ya.
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151. Ooh!
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152. Hey, uh… Hey, George?
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153. Can we chat for a second?
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154. I did it. I beat the record.
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155. Five up-sales.
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156. - Already?
- Mm-hmm.
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157. Wow! It's 1:00 p.m.
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158. It was easy. Too easy.
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159. What's the shop's record
for the most sales in a week?
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160. Sixteen, I think?
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161. I'll beat that. I'll beat that today.
Thank you for giving me a new finish line.
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162. I work best when goals and expectations
are very clearly dictated to me.
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163. Sixteen's a lot.
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164. Seventeen.
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165. I'm not gonna tie. I'm gonna beat it!
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166. Seventeen?
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167. - That's a lot of money.
- You have my word.
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168. - Okay.
- I'll fucking die for you.
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169. - He's not on coke!
- Are you serious?
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170. - He's not on coke! I just talked to him.
- That's ridiculous.
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171. He's excited about his job.
That's what that is.
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172. Who would be excited about this job?
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173. Uh, a guy that's
gonna make a lot of money.
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174. All right.
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175. - All right, thank you.
- No problem.
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176. Thank you for bringing this.
This is great.
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177. You're welcome. I used to bring
my ex-boyfriend sandwiches to prison.
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178. This is kinda like the same vibe.
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179. I'm joking.
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180. Oh!
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181. Holy shit.
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182. A lot of women use sandwiches
to sneak contraband into prison.
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183. - These are really good.
- Right? They're Polynesian sliders.
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184. They're, like, my favorite.
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185. Oh, Polynesian.
George's wife is Polynesian.
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186. - Really?
- Yeah.
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187. I thought the same thing, but get this.
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188. One day, she walks in, tells me, "George,
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189. I don't love you,
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190. and I never loved you."
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191. Well…
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192. Um…
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193. I know I'm new,
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194. and I have to earn all of your respect
and… and trust and stuff,
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195. but I'm gonna get to that.
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196. Ah!
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197. He's fine.
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198. He's fine.
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199. What do you do for fun?
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200. - Around here?
- Yeah, like crazy shit.
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201. - Crazy shit?
- Yeah.
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202. - Like parties…
- Ooh, I got one.
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203. - This is fun.
- Okay.
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204. There's a salon next door,
has a Bluetooth speaker.
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205. Okay.
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206. And if you get it right,
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207. you can connect to it
and play whatever you want.
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208. Pop that pussy, tap that ass…
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209. - Turn that fucking thing off!
- They're so mad!
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210. - That's nice.
- How often do you do this?
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211. A lot.
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212. - Okay, nice.
- That's fun.
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213. - I'm good.
- Uh…
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214. - How do I get you to a yes?
- Just the new brake for me today.
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215. There's always a path to yes.
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216. Let's find that path together.
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217. I said no.
Now can you please get out of my face?
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218. Here's what's gonna happen.
You're driving. It's raining. It's dark.
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219. You're on the highway,
heading into a bend.
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220. All of a sudden, your front tires
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221. write a check
that your back tires can't cash.
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222. Now you're headed through the guardrail,
and someone's buying four caskets.
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223. Two big ones, two little ones
for the kids that you forgot to strap in
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224. because you were too preoccupied
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225. thinking about the fact
that you didn't change your tires.
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226. Jesus Christ.
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227. - Uh, hey, George?
- What?
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228. Come here, please.
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229. I didn't know I was being intimidating.
I'm sorry.
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230. That's 'cause
you're yakked out of your mind, George!
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231. Okay, I'll be honest.
I am completely addicted to cocaine.
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232. And the problem is not getting better,
and I don't have any plans to work on it.
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233. What I would like to do
is work on my life around it
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234. so it's not a problem,
if that makes sense.
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235. No, it doesn't make any sense.
You have to stop doing cocaine.
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236. Okay.
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237. You're doing great today
with the sales you've already done.
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238. So let's just calm down,
take a deep breath, relax.
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239. Thank you for giving me a new finish line.
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240. I perform best
when given strict goals and expectations.
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241. Fantastic. You're welcome.
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242. I came in here today with a goal,
and that goal was 17 sales.
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243. You gave me that number,
and I'm right there. I'm on the cusp!
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244. I won't let you down!
I won't let you down!
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245. - No more cocaine!
- No more cocaine!
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246. - No more cocaine!
- No more cocaine!
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247. Perfect! Thank you for hearing me out!
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248. You're welcome! Thank you
for understanding me as a person!
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249. Holy shit!
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250. Hi. Shane, can I talk to you
for a second in my office, please?
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251. - Okay.
- All right.
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252. Okay, I'm gonna look around.
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253. All right.
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254. - What?
- Come on. Come on.
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255. Come on. Look at my face. It's serious.
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256. - Move quick.
- Okay.
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257. George is on cocaine.
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258. - George has cocaine?
- Yes, he's on it.
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259. You're gonna have to fire him then.
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260. Yeah, so… so I'm a little worried
that he has uncontrollable rage.
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261. I know he's not holding a bomb,
but I can hear it ticking.
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262. - Firing him's gonna be difficult.
- He might fuck you up, dude. He's huge.
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263. You see him. He's a psycho.
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264. Okay. I see him keep going
into his jacket pocket on the back hook.
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265. I think that's where he's keeping drugs.
I need you to get rid of the coke for me.
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266. Let me get this straight. You think George
is a drug addict who's about to explode,
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267. and your plan is
for me to take his drugs away?
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268. Yes. Precisely.
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269. All right.
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270. - Barrel owl?
- Hmm.
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271. Oh, he's doing the bird thing?
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272. - Yeah.
- That's fun. I got something to show you.
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273. Yeah, sure. Do you wanna…
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274. - I'm… I'm okay. Next… Yeah.
- Yeah, she's good.
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275. - Sure?
- Yeah. Yeah, thanks.
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276. - Be right back.
- All right. Later.
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277. - Will wanted me to flush this.
- Why do you need me for this?
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278. - Thought you'd want to see. It's cocaine.
- No, I don't want to see that.
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279. - You wanna do some?
- Are you crazy?
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280. - Maybe I am crazy.
- It's the middle of the day.
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281. - Who gives a fuck?
- I'm not doing that.
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282. Look at this, dude.
You're nuts. You're a wild man.
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283. - Try some.
- I'm not doin' that.
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284. - A little. I'll do it if you do.
- Stop.
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285. - Let's have fun for fuckin' once.
- I'm not gonna do it.
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286. - Oh!
- Holy shit! I was joking.
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287. You actually did it? You're fucking crazy!
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288. - I thought you wanted to do it.
- I'll do it.
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289. Come on, do it.
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290. - I said I would.
- I already did it. You gotta.
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291. I'll fuckin' do it. Relax.
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292. - There you go.
- Yeah, fuck!
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293. Are you fucking nuts? Why'd you do that?
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294. I did it. You gotta do it.
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295. You're a fucking loser already.
Now I'm a fucking drug loser too.
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296. It's gonna feel good.
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297. Oh shit!
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298. Is someone in there?
I… I left some stuff in there.
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299. - What stuff?
- I'm coming in.
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300. - Holy shit!
- Jesus! Who barges in like this?
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301. I… What are you two doing in here?
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302. Shut the fuck up, George.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
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303. My God, dude! What are you doing?
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304. - I need it! I need it!
- You're making us look like dicks!
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305. My nose is right here.
Just give me a little bit.
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306. Hey, George?
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307. Can you, uh, come help me
with a customer, please?
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308. Okay.
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309. Hey, little smiles.
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310. Happy face.
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311. Is this what you do all day?
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312. This is it. All day. Every day.
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313. It's… it's good.
It's good work. I like it.
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314. Yeah, it's a good workout, too, huh?
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315. Yeah. Holy fuck it is.
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316. It's hot in here, right?
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317. - I feel okay.
- You don't think it's hot?
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318. Oh, who's this little guy?
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319. - That's Jerome Bettis.
- Hi.
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320. I found him earlier. I put him in here.
I built this for him today.
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321. No way!
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322. I wasn't ready to be a single father,
but here I am.
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323. Looking for a mom.
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324. - What happened to his mom?
- She probably got fucking crushed, right?
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325. I think you're great, and I like you,
and I think you're beautiful.
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326. And if we could start hanging out a lot,
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327. and maybe you could get involved
in Jerome Bettis's life—
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328. - It's okay. We're just hanging out.
- I think we have a connection.
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329. - You know?
- Yeah.
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330. I'm sorry. If I'm being honest,
I'm on cocaine.
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331. - He's on the smallest amount.
- Shut the fuck up, Cal.
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332. - It was a lot, and I'm not used to it.
- Yeah, obviously.
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333. Oh shit. My dad's here.
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334. Your dad's here?
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335. Ah! Will, my favorite nephew. Ah!
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336. Hello, Uncle Phil.
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337. - Feel those traps, huh?
- What are you doing here?
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338. Truth be told, your dad and I
have been out all afternoon drinking,
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339. so he's out in the truck taking a nap.
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340. It's 3:30!
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341. He's a lightweight!
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342. But, hey, let's talk about you and me.
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343. He's been telling me everything
about the business, and I gotta say,
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344. very impressed
with what you're doing around here.
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345. Oh, well, thank you.
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346. See, one great businessman
can spot another great businessman.
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347. We're like two animals in the wild.
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348. We catch the scent of each other's urine,
we know what we're doing.
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349. So if you need anything,
don't hesitate to ask.
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350. Okay. Okay.
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351. I actually could use a little help.
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352. I hired a guy
who has a terrible addiction to cocaine.
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353. - Ah, booger sugar. Yeah.
- Yes, booger sugar.
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354. - But he's a great salesman, though.
- Hmm.
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355. I dealt with this situation in '97.
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356. Had a guy working for me
at Conrad Furniture down in Miami.
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357. He was a world-class salesman
because he was on so much blow.
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358. Was practically leaving head prints
in the ceiling.
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359. I let it slide for a bit
'cause the money was rolling in,
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360. but he eventually had a meltdown
'cause he was so high.
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361. One day, he ran through the showroom
naked, hurdled a La-Z-Boy,
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362. and then did a cartwheel
through the plate glass window.
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363. It was a fucking disaster.
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364. Old lady fainted.
There was kids running around.
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365. Luckily, his unkempt pubic hair
had grown so long
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366. that it obscured his penis,
so that was a win.
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367. Where's Shane?
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368. Uh…
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369. He's in the back.
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370. You're looking jacked.
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371. Hey.
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372. - How you doing?
- Yeah?
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373. What's one more bag?
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374. - There's my little dung beetle.
- Don't say shit like that to me.
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375. Ah, big tough guy
can't even give his old man a hug.
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376. - Hello. Hello. Hello.
- Oh.
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377. Buenos días, señor.
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378. So,
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379. who's this pretty lady?
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380. Um, I am Shane's fiancée,
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381. and I am also pregnant. Ah!
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382. She's kidding. You're so fucking funny.
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383. I don't know what we're laughing about.
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384. - Uh, I'm Kelly.
- I'm Phil.
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385. - Nice to meet you.
- I'm Shane's father.
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386. - Very cool.
- This is my dad.
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387. So… how do you…
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388. Oh, we're just friends.
We hang out, and, uh…
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389. - Just friends. Just single and looking.
- Yeah. Just casual.
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390. That sort of explains
what I saw the other day,
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391. which was him trying to flirt
with an Applebee's waitress
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392. and her not having it at all.
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393. I'd love to hear this story.
This sounds funny.
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394. I wasn't flirting with a waitress
at Applebee's.
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395. Oh, yes, you were.
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396. Remember, you said to the waitress, "Sup,"
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397. then she said, "Sup," and then you said,
"Sup," again, then she walked away,
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398. and then he said, "Sup," again.
I was confused.
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399. I was confused 'cause I don't remember
what you're talking about.
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400. Shane, you gotta lay off the booze,
big boy.
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401. You're literally fucking drunk right now.
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402. I am drunk right now.
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403. Uh, I'm gonna head out.
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404. But it was lovely to meet you.
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405. - Nice to see you, Kelly.
- Nice to see you. And I'll see ya.
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406. Okay, I'll walk you out in a second.
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407. Are you fucking dumb?
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408. I'm trying to get a piece of pussy pie,
and you're trying to fuck it up.
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409. Pussy pie? Huh.
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410. Hey, hey.
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411. I'm not Mexican.
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412. You're on cocaine.
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413. Hey, Kelly?
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414. Sorry about that.
My dad's a freaking jackass.
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415. - It's fine.
- You look great. You look beautiful.
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416. - Thank you.
- You look awesome.
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417. All good. You don't have to say anything.
We're not dating, so…
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418. We're not dating yet, but, you know,
I'm just saying, you are my type.
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419. That's great. Um…
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420. I was listening to a song
that reminded me of you. Wanna hear it?
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421. - I…
- It's…
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422. Yeah…
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423. I'm still avoiding the exit that…
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424. - I'll listen to it later.
- You're gonna listen later?
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425. - Yeah.
- You want me to turn it off?
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426. - Uh, please.
- All right. Save it for later.
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427. - Yes.
- Because it is good.
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428. I'm gonna go.
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429. - All right.
- But, um, this was really nice.
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430. - And I'll hit you up sometime.
- Nice!
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431. I mean, yeah.
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432. Nailed it.
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433. Is that my wife? Is that my future wife?
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434. George!
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435. - You're fired.
- Why?
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436. Because you told me
you were gonna stop doing cocaine.
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437. - And you just bought it outside my store.
- Yeah.
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438. Totally unacceptable!
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439. Great teaching moment.
Let's put a pin on it.
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440. - I have to use the bathroom.
- No, that's it.
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441. You're gonna have to do cocaine
on your own time off the premises.
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442. I need this job.
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443. No.
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444. George, you can't have this job.
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445. Okay? What you need is a job,
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446. frankly, that lets you do
a lot of cocaine.
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447. And I don't know
where you're going to, um…
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448. At Andiamo, we have a saying.
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449. "If you want high prices,
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450. you can fuhgeddaboudit."
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451. That's beautiful.
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452. I came to compete
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453. I did not come to win
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454. - I did not come to lose
- Did not come to lose
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455. I did not come to kiss ass
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456. - I did not come to schmooze
- No
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457. No, no
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458. I came to compete
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459. Eight billion people in this world
And we all want a piece
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460. - Whoa!
- That's right
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461. Eight billion people in this world
And we all got a scheme, whoa
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462. - I did not come to play make-believe
- No
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463. I did not come
With some half-baked fantasy
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464. No
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465. I came on no sleep
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466. I came with no money
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467. I did not come to win or lose
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468. I came to compete
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469. I came to complete
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470. Everything I need
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471. Is within my reach
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