Tires 2x4

1. Watch this, dumb-ass.

2. - Hey! - Damn it!

3. You're in trouble. If you miss, it's an I. You already have a W.

4. - I'm gonna scream when you shoot. - You can't scream. That's cheating.

5. I'm just not allowed to touch you.

6. No, don't scream. If you scream, it doesn't count unless I make it.

7. Oh.

8. I.

9. - I can't get in the zone. - Cal, you're up.

10. I can't get out of the zone 'cause I've been having so much sex with Kelly lately.

11. - Oh, you… you're doing her? - We're gonna.

12. - W. - W.

13. If I make this, Little Willie's in trouble.

14. He doesn't have the clutch gene like I do.

15. - What are you doing? - Nothin'.

16. - You wanna get close? - Just standing here.

17. - Fine. I love that pressure. - I'm gonna scream.

18. - Gonna scream? - Mm-hmm.

19. And one.

20. Ooh, that hurt.

21. If you miss, it's over. W-I. This is G.

22. You have to wear it all day, and you can't tell anyone why.

23. You're not allowed to acknowledge it.

24. - I know the rules! - All right.

25. - Ooh, a little sex face for the shot? - It's not my sex face.

26. What's your sex face?

27. It's just more… It's, like, a little… It's just, uh, like, passionate.

28. I don't even…

29. Listen, stop it!

30. This is it.

31. Don't fuck this up.

32. A lot of pressure, Little Willie.

33. Choke. You're gonna choke.

34. Don't fucking miss.

35. Please miss.

36. Okay. Here is your receipt, and here are your keys.

37. - Were you checking yourself out? - No.

38. Yes.

39. I don't think it looks too bad.

40. - It's not that bad. - No.

41. You look cool. You look like a rock star.

42. - It looks real. - Right?

43. - You should wear it like that. - You just saying that?

44. Will!

45. You look like a pedophile.

46. Kilah! Uh…

47. - You look like a fucking pedophile. - Shane!

48. Shane and Kilah,

49. don't say pedophile!

50. Pedophile.

51. Hi, sir. Welcome to Valley Forge Auto.

52. - Ooh, thank you, bro. - Yeah.

53. - That one is for you. - Yes.

54. Try a little of that on your piano.

55. Why do you ruin everything? You do something nice, then say shit like that.

56. - This is good though. - You don't like that expression?

57. Okay, Cal. She is a yes on the alignment,

58. a no on the struts, and also a no on the wipers.

59. - I think she was a little freaked out. - Definitely fucking freaked out.

60. Oh shit. Just got a text from my dad. He's in town.

61. He said, "Come get lunch at Applebee's. Bring Cousin Willie."

62. Oh, absolutely not.

63. I do not need two grown men trying to hit my nuts.

64. What?

65. Shane! See?

66. That's all it is. It's just two Shanes.

67. Except one is insanely rich.

68. Your dad's rich?

69. It's not "insanely" rich. He just owns a bunch of bullshit businesses.

70. You're a rich kid?

71. - No. - Yes.

72. Yes! You went to Disney World all the time.

73. My dad just got drunk at Epcot and hit on the princesses.

74. Sounds like something you would do if you were rich.

75. Jasmine, for sure.

76. - Ariel. - Hmm.

77. I like Pocahontas.

78. Ew, she was, like, ten in that.

79. - She was? - Yeah.

80. I didn't know that! I wouldn't have said that.

81. She was young. Is that why you got that wig on?

82. - No! - Big Chief Muggle-Wump.

83. You trying to have sex with a 14-year-old Native American?

84. - That's fucked up. - Shane! I didn't know that!

85. I thought she was in her twenties.

86. Sh, stop!

87. Also,

88. um… I need an answer from you if you're planning on moving up to manager.

89. 'Cause if not,

90. I gotta start looking for someone.

91. You love the way you look in that wig, dude.

92. - You look good. Come here. - I regret this.

93. Take pictures of him throughout the day. He'll try and take that off.

94. Yeah, 100%.

95. I'll reward you with some Applebee's.

96. - Want anything for lunch? - If your rich dad's paying for it.

97. Don't do that.

98. - What? - Sorry my dad worked hard.

99. - All right. - And yours is fucking dead.

100. I'll take a cheeseburger.

101. There was one other guy who applied, Buchtar.

102. - Uh-huh. - Seems all right. Ran his own shop.

103. He's Albanian, though, and, uh,

104. they are pretty shifty, in my experience, but

105. it's good to have them on your side.

106. Yeah.

107. I gotcha.

108. Ooh.

109. This is Jon.

110. Dad, I was wondering if you'd heard back from the bank yet.

111. I called and sent an email, and—

112. Yeah, you don't need to call or send an email. They'll get back to you.

113. Dad, if I die before you, do not speak at my funeral.

114. Your energy is just brutal.

115. Yeah. Oh, a True Thread rep is stopping by today.

116. Oh, that's cool.

117. Yeah, see if you can negotiate a deal for us.

118. - Okay. - We've been buying from them consistently.

119. - Push 'em for a dollar or two off a tire. - Jon, let me do that.

120. - You can do that? - Will, don't worry about it.

121. - I'll come down and handle that for you. - No, no.

122. Absolutely not. No. No!

123. These guys are sharks. You're a little guppy.

124. You're not gonna be able to swim in these waters.

125. You're looking at a shark.

126. I'm the shark that the other sharks are like,

127. "Wow, that's been around longer than me."

128. I'm that shark. You're the shark whose dad's been around a lot.

129. You're the little baby shark.

130. Put 'em in an aquarium next to a goldfish, and it would probably be a fair fight.

131. Everybody needs to stop, you know…

132. It's like I'm about to ride a bike,

133. and everybody's trying to rush on and put training wheels on it.

134. It's like, "Get away from me. I'm about to ride!"

135. Training wheels? You don't even get a bike yet!

136. You… you know when they put a toddler in a little car

137. in front of a grocery cart?

138. That's what you're on.

139. You're fake steering. You're not even riding shit.

140. I'm on a fast-ass motorcycle, Ducati, ass-cheeks parked up in the air

141. so I can hit the curves fast as shit. And I'm a shark, by the way.

142. And I'm a killer shark on a fast-ass motorcycle.

143. You're a little-ass goldfish in the fucking grocery store cart car.

144. What the fuck are we doing here, Jon?

145. All right, buddy. Let me know how you make out.

146. Wha… Uh, I got it.

147. I'm a fucking shark.

148. Good lord, I hate this thing.

149. We do everything.

150. We, they.

151. - Hi, welcome to Applebee's. - Yeah, totally.

152. I would've said 25.

153. Really, really looking great.

154. - Hmm. - Oh, there he is.

155. There's my son. Look at him.

156. Oh! Hey.

157. Hey, Shane.

158. - Hey, Colleen. - Oh, you guys know each other?

159. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

160. That's a fantas… It's nice. It's nice.

161. It is nice.

162. Yeah. Um, all right. I'm gonna go grab those beers.

163. - Good. - Bud Light? Yeah.

164. - So into you. - Oh my God.

165. - No, she's not. - Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.

166. She was completely locked into you.

167. She can see the potential seething inside of you.

168. Emotionally, physically, sexually.

169. - Ew. - Ask her out.

170. I'm not gonna ask her out. Colleen?

171. - Yeah. - I have no shot.

172. - She knew your drink order. - I get those every time.

173. "Hey. Bud Light?"

174. Yeah. Yeah, that's nice.

175. Why are you back in town?

176. Well, you never come down to see me,

177. so I thought I'd come up here.

178. You moved to a swamp.

179. I moved to the Florida Keys.

180. You'd actually love it down there.

181. There's, like, an ocean of silver bush retirees.

182. What makes you think I want retired silver bush?

183. I want good, regular bush.

184. Ah, there she is. Ah, that is a nice, frosty mug.

185. Now, listen, keep 'em coming, but not too fast.

186. Wait till right around down here,

187. the lower rib cage of the mug, and then…

188. and then I would say, then bring the next round.

189. Okay, so the bottom.

190. - Uh, not quite the bottom. - Got it. I think I know what you mean.

191. - She knows what you mean. - Great. Thank you, Colleen.

192. Uh, thank you.

193. Shane, how did you get so ripped?

194. Oh God.

195. - She heard me. - Of course she fucking heard you.

196. Yeah.

197. - Why are you doing that? - I'm setting you up.

198. She knows I'm not jacked. She just saw me.

199. You think she forgot?

200. She's not out of reach.

201. Stop.

202. Hey, pal. Um, we've been clients of yours for a long time.

203. We have been cli… We have been clients of yours for a long time, pal.

204. I'm talking three dollars off. Let's talk three dollars off.

205. I've heard you guys are sharks, but you're dealing with

206. a shark here.

207. You're dealing with a killer whale.

208. It's disgusting.

209. Hey, little guy. Your dad home?

210. Holy shit.

211. I'm sorry?

212. I'm just messing with you. Ryan from True Thread.

213. Oh.

214. How you doin'?

215. Not giving you too much there, am I?

216. You're not giving me too much at all, actually.

217. I thought you'd be giving me a little bit more.

218. Oh, you want me to turn up the heat a little?

219. I thought you'd actually have more gas than this…

220. All right!

221. - It's a wig. - Oh.

222. I'm sorry. Are you sick? You could've fooled me with that handshake.

223. All right, Brian.

224. - Uh, Ryan. - Sure. Come to my office, please.

225. - It's Ryan. - Hi.

226. 1977 MGB. Wow.

227. This doesn't look anything like the pictures.

228. Yeah, obviously, things look better in pictures, Cal. Shit.

229. Tommy went on a date with this chick three months ago

230. 'cause she saw his pictures.

231. Poor girl shows up, finds out he's 5'9", freaks out.

232. Whoa!

233. We didn't have any chemistry.

234. She looks at me, she goes, "Whoa, big boy. What are you doing later?"

235. Now, I've had some ricochet pussy in my day, but I can't…

236. - I can't do that to Tommy. - I don't remember that part.

237. Look, Tommy's great.

238. He's a sweet guy.

239. Sharp jaw. Fat hog. Does what he's told.

240. She walked away from a good deal, Cal.

241. Don't be that girl.

242. You slap a couple coats of paint on this bad boy, a new headlight…

243. …this kitten's gonna purr.

244. You can see it, huh?

245. Pleasure doing business with you, Cal.

246. - What are you doing? Get in the front. - Nah, it's more comfortable back here.

247. It makes me feel like a fucking Uber.

248. I don't have a ton of time here, I gotta make my rounds,

249. but, uh, we got a new series of all-season tires.

250. A lot of our biggest customers are buying 'em up.

251. I'm sure you probably might not be able to afford them right now,

252. but, uh, we're looking to offload a few of those—

253. Can you cut the shit?

254. - Sorry? - I'm in a bad mood.

255. I'm wearing a wig. I'm getting hair in my mouth.

256. Can you just drop the whole shark routine?

257. I suck at this.

258. What?

259. I fucking suck at this.

260. No, no.

261. No, no, no, no, no—

262. No, no, it… it's true. I'm the worst salesman on the team.

263. All the other guys make fun of me.

264. They call me blockhead.

265. Boxy face.

266. Pussy.

267. No, you've got a great face.

268. They're crazy.

269. Kilah can't stop looking at you.

270. Thanks, man. That's nice of you to say.

271. That… that's a shame that's a wig.

272. You should consider growing your actual hair out

273. 'cause it actually looks good on you.

274. It doesn't look bad, right?

275. No.

276. You look like fucking Dave Grohl.

277. I'm sorry about the handshake thing. I learned that in a book, and—

278. Totally fine! You were really bringing the heat out there.

279. Oh! You too. You… you lift?

280. Constantly.

281. - I could tell, yeah, when I walked in. - Thank you.

282. Not a lot of guys work out, I feel, in this line of work.

283. That's what… I… I… I… I think I'm an anomaly.

284. When I make my… When I make my rounds, between you and I, I go to places,

285. and I pop in, and it's a lot of, like…

286. Like, fat fucks. Can I say that?

287. Yeah, you could def… They are fat.

288. And when I go place to place, it's like,

289. fat fuck, fat fuck, fat fuck,

290. and it's, like, crazy.

291. I'm not trying to be mean, but it's, like, I go home,

292. and I've literally had nightmares about, like, fat fucks coming for me.

293. Boy, it is so cool to meet somebody else in the industry

294. that cares about health and fitness.

295. This is refreshing. I feel like I'm kind of on an island here,

296. but, you know, I found somebody else on the island.

297. - Yes. - I'm not the sole survivor.

298. You're obviously huge. What do you do?

299. Well, I've been following this guy, Brock Majors,

300. and his thing is workouts around your house or your work

301. with whatever you have, and… I mean, you wanna try some here?

302. Hell yes! Do you wanna get iced coffees first?

303. Yeah, I'd love that. A little pre-workout action?

304. - A little pre-workout. - Uh-huh.

305. Get you a little… Maybe if we go crazy, we'll take a little Advil.

306. - That's God mode. - There she is.

307. Sup?

308. Oh, sup?

309. Nothin'.

310. Sup?

311. - I guess that could've gone worse. - You told me to do it.

312. I thought you were gonna say something more than "sup."

313. I didn't know what to do. It was quick.

314. Hey, Jon says, uh, things are going great.

315. Yeah, things are good. Will came up with this idea to sell tires,

316. and it fucking works, so we're… kinda killing it.

317. - That's great for Will. - Yeah.

318. It must be terrific for he and his dad's relationship.

319. Sounds cool.

320. And it got me to thinking, um,

321. maybe you and I should try working together again.

322. We tried that once.

323. That was a long time ago. I was a dick. I was a dick to work for.

324. It's been a while. Maybe we could take another shot.

325. - Yeah? - Yeah.

326. - What are we gonna do? - Anything we want.

327. I just sold a scrap metal business in Florida.

328. What about a… car dealership?

329. In Florida?

330. No, no, no. Up here, where you are. It's perfect.

331. I'm a great salesman. You're a great mechanic.

332. I'm out front. You're in the service department.

333. Phil and Shane's Car-a-van.

334. You've never worked around cars.

335. Well,

336. I didn't know anything about hamburgers before I bought that Burger King in '06.

337. That paid off sweet.

338. Paid for that private school you dropped out of.

339. Jesus Christ. It only took you 30 minutes to bring that up.

340. - I thought you were poking me. - I'm not. You're poking me.

341. - I thought you were poking me. - I'm not.

342. - You made fun of my wardrobe. - I didn't make fun of your outfit.

343. Oh. Maybe it just felt like you were going to.

344. - You do dress gay. - You dress poor.

345. I am poor.

346. So you are…

347. All right. Let's change the subject.

348. All right.

349. Trans guy joined my country club.

350. Yeah, Derek. He's a golfer.

351. So I get paired up with him.

352. Terrible swing. Terrible.

353. Pretty awesome about that loan.

354. Yeah, it's not a definite, but I think it's almost certainly gonna happen.

355. Awesome.

356. Oh man, that's great!

357. I actually have a pump on.

358. Yeah! I bet you could do pull-ups from the lift.

359. I've been wanting to increase my pull-ups.

360. It's all about persistence, right? I've been reading Brock Majors' book,

361. and he says it's better to do ten push-ups each day

362. rather than a hundred push-ups once a week.

363. - Yes. Preach, bitch. - Yeah.

364. Yeah. Hey, hit me with the rock.

365. Ah!

366. Close.

367. Um, Ryan?

368. - Yo. - I do have to bring something up.

369. We've been good clients for a long time.

370. We were kinda hoping to get a little bit of a discount.

371. I know, um…

372. What?

373. The thing is, I was supposed to come here and tell you that we're…

374. we're actually increasing our tire prices.

375. Well, that sucks.

376. Will, pick up that tire again.

377. - Cal! - What?

378. - Okay? - I got it.

379. Hey, why don't you come to the Mid-Atlantic Tire Expo next week?

380. I can get you two tickets. We can talk it over with my boss.

381. And if that loan comes through and you increase your inventory

382. like you were saying, I can get you that discount.

383. - Oh, yeah? - And guess who's the keynote speaker.

384. Brock Majors.

385. Brock Majors?

386. - It's nuts. - Listen, I'm gonna hit the bathroom.

387. - That coffee went right through me. - Sure thing, man. Sounds good.

388. Okay.

389. Final attempt.

390. I think you and I would make a great team, and I think I can help you.

391. I don't need your help.

392. Shane, you're a 36-year-old unmarried mechanic.

393. Look at Colleen. Back in the day, I'd have been all over that.

394. I gotta sit here and watch you not even try.

395. You think every waitress you've had liked you?

396. Shane, they did.

397. - Viking genetics. - Oh, my God.

398. All right. Can I get you guys anything else?

399. Shane, do you think Colleen's pretty?

400. - Oh. - What?

401. - Simple question. - I mean, yes.

402. Obviously, yeah, Colleen's very pretty.

403. - Sorry, I have a boyfriend. - I wasn't actually trying to—

404. - Is it serious? - Dad, stop.

405. Shane is very tall, very handsome.

406. Shops only at the Tall and Handsome store.

407. It's The Big and Tall store.

408. - He is very tall. And very handsome. - Sorry about my dad.

409. He had a stroke, which is why he dresses and acts like this.

410. I did not have a stroke.

411. I was concussed while parasailing.

412. - No worries. I'll see you around, Shane. - See you, Colleen.

413. What are you doing?

414. Her relationship is not serious. I can tell.

415. I don't need your help with women or with work or anything.

416. Okay. You've got everything handled. I was just trying to help.

417. - All right. I'm gonna head out. - Wait a minute.

418. It's not how I wanted this to go. Let's go do some day drinking.

419. That's not gonna help. I gotta go.

420. I love you.

421. - I love you. - Proud of you.

422. Oh, nice! This is my song.

423. Yeah.

424. Do you want one more song?

425. Do you want one more song?

426. Yeah, you want one more fucking song!

427. Thank you, good night!

428. No, I think we're going to the Viper Room later.

429. I don't know. I think we're going to the Viper Room later.

430. Yes. Okay.

431. - How are you? - Hey.

432. Dave Loulopolis. I'm the general manager here.

433. - Really nice to meet you. - Great to meet you. Ryan, yes.

434. - It's great to make your acquaintance. - I appreciate that.

435. - Hey, Dave. - Hey, Will.

436. What's up?

437. Nothin'. Just checking in on things.

438. Okay. Well, there's nothing to check in on, so…

439. You, uh… you heading out, big guy?

440. Yeah, I got a few more stores to hit, so just getting out there.

441. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah. Well, how we doin' on those discounts?

442. Um, well,

443. we were talking.

444. Great. So we're knocking off a buck or two?

445. Um…

446. Actually…

447. Yeah, um,

448. unfortunately, tire prices are going up, so…

449. - Yeah. - Right. They're going up.

450. Wow, Will.

451. You convinced a tire rep to increase our prices. Incredible job.

452. Well, there's nothing we can do about the tire prices.

453. It's across the board.

454. Well, Ryan, I've been at this a while.

455. I know there's always something you could do.

456. Hey, I'll tell you what. Why don't me and you knock off? Late lunch.

457. I know this incredible titty bar, Dancerella's.

458. They do a marvelous prime rib.

459. No, thank you.

460. Come on, bud. I'm friends with all the guys over at True Thread.

461. We'll have a good time. You know Pete Seidel?

462. Me and Petey shut that place down—

463. Pete's a fat piece of shit.

464. He still has a job because he got photos of my boss kissing a prostitute in Miami.

465. And, unlike Pete, I don't do business over sandwiches and

466. pussy.

467. So, no, thank you, big guy.

468. Tire prices are going up. Will, see you at the conference.

469. Wait. You're going to the tire expo?

470. Yeah, True Thread is buying his passes. He your plus-one?

471. No!

472. He is.

473. What?

474. Well, good. I don't fucking care. I'm fucking busy.

475. I don't wanna go to that sausage fest anyway.

476. Why don't you have your own conference at the titty bar?

477. - Yeah, maybe I will. - Oh, good. Do it, then.

478. - It will be good. - Dumb Fricking Dickhead Con.

479. No, it'll be the Fucking Cool Guy Con!

480. Where are we goin'?

481. Tire expo.

482. Ooh, nice. I'm gonna get fucked up at that.

483. - Shane! - Oh, hey.

484. I, uh… I thought about the whole manager thing.

485. I'm gonna pass on that, man, but thank you for offering.

486. Okay.

487. You are a rock star

488. You are a rockin' maniac

489. You can really sing Your horse-whooping ass off

490. You can really whip a polar bear's ass

491. Dave Grohl

492. Dave Grohl

493. Dave Grohl

494. Dave Grohl

495. You are my buddy to the max

496. You are my friend to the friendly end

497. You are a nice friend

498. I like you fairly well

499. Dave Grohl

500. Dave Grohl

501. Dave Grohl

502. Dave Grohl