Tires 2x11

1. Good morning, sir. You cannot smoke in here.

2. Good morning.

3. Where do I set up?

4. I'm sorry?

5. Where the hell do I set up? For the meet and greet.

6. I'm sorry, who are you?

7. Well, I'm an American.

8. Technically, a decorated veteran.

9. - Kilah, call the police. - Shot by friendly fire.

10. Call the police.

11. And a father of… three.

12. But if you're talking about my place in the history books,

13. it's because of my athletic endeavors.

14. I'm Ronald Dobbins.

15. Winston Cup champion, 2003, 2004,

16. and 2006.

17. You must be Phil.

18. No, I'm Will.

19. Where's Phil? He with Bill?

20. Phil is at a different store today. What are you doing here?

21. Also, I can't stress how much you absolutely cannot smoke in here.

22. Oh, uh, I'm not a customer.

23. Phil paid me a pretty penny

24. to come down here and sign autographs for the fans.

25. If I don't get to meet the man signing my paycheck, that's fine,

26. but I need to get on with this thing.

27. So if you want me to set my booth up in front of that door, it'd be great.

28. And I need to find a bathroom to take me a peace sign.

29. And as soon as my breakfast quits yapping at me, I'm gonna come back.

30. I'm gonna need two Diet Cokes and a chair with a thick cushion. Prostate.

31. Uh, well, twos, uh…

32. Really, that bathroom back there is not for twos. It's just for ones.

33. But people do crap here.

34. People do, uh, take twos here, but they are employees.

35. Technically, I'm an employee today, and I need to take a shit.

36. Where would you suggest that I do it?

37. All right, fine. In the back.

38. But just, you know… Just flush a lot. Flush as soon as it goes in.

39. Yeah, I know how to do it. I know how to do it.

40. Hey, I'd just like to say, uh, thank you for giving me this opportunity.

41. Okay.

42. So, Jared,

43. when is the lift going to be repaired?

44. The lift repair guy said yesterday.

45. So today is today. The guy said it would be repaired yesterday,

46. so he's two days behind.

47. So… two days ago.

48. What?

49. No. No, Jared.

50. We have seven lifts. That lift is crucial.

51. We have seven lifts?

52. Look, Jared.

53. - Do you have his phone number? - Yeah, I can hit him up.

54. Good. Call him and tell him it's gotta be fixed by tomorrow.

55. Got it?

56. Okay. Do it now.

57. Thanks, Jared.

58. - Hey, Will, what's up? - Who is Ron Dobbins?

59. He's a famous NASCAR driver from the '90s or something. He was really cheap.

60. Is he there? How does he look?

61. Well, he looks like shit,

62. and he's currently taking a crap.

63. Why are you spending money on this stuff?

64. Because he's super famous, and Shane used to love him.

65. - I'm really doing it for Shane. - Okay.

66. I guess.

67. It's Ron Dobbins. It's gonna be great, man. Listen.

68. - Don't let him drink. - Don't let him drink?

69. - Well, do you mean Shane or Ron? - I don't give a shit if Shane drinks.

70. It's Ron fuckin' Dobbins.

71. You can keep saying that. That's not gonna make it different.

72. I've gotta look at Wikiped—

73. Fuckin' Ron Dobbins?

74. Yo, is that Ron Dobbins?

75. - You know him? - Yeah, he's, like, super famous.

76. Well, he was.

77. Goddamn, it's pretty cool he's here. He's, like, an alcoholic.

78. He's a NASCAR driver that's drunk. It's crazy.

79. Yo, he got in a fight with a guy on ESPN, live.

80. - I don't know who he is. - This happens when you don't watch sports.

81. - Okay. I watch sports. - You don't watch sports.

82. Shane, I watch sports.

83. What sports do you watch?

84. Bowling.

85. Bowling's pretty sick.

86. Pete Weber. Remember that? When he won?

87. Fuckin', "Who do you think you are? I am. Ah!"

88. Oh yeah.

89. 'Cause it was… it was Pete, and he did "suck it."

90. Yeah.

91. You don't watch sports.

92. Shane, I… I watch sports.

93. I just don't actively watch them all the time.

94. Sometimes I'll passively watch sports

95. while I'm doing things like folding laundry.

96. Okay.

97. Usually, I'm joking about this, but that's so fucking gay. It hurts me.

98. Okay. So what do you do when you're folding laundry?

99. I don't fucking fold laundry.

100. I throw it on the fuckin' ground and then wear it again the next day.

101. 1977 MGB.

102. That's right. Good eye.

103. Goddamn, that thing is beautiful.

104. - Yeah. - I used to own one.

105. Bought it after my first Winston Cup.

106. Wrapped it around a pole getting a hand job.

107. I wouldn't trade the handy, but…

108. God, I miss this thing.

109. The girl lived, by the way.

110. Got a limp, but still a ten. Eight.

111. Sounds like a happy ending.

112. I do love this car.

113. Well, hold on tight.

114. She'll be gone in a blink of an eye.

115. I'm… I'm Cal, by the way.

116. I'm Ron.

117. Dobbins?

118. Oh, the NASCAR guy?

119. Yes, indeed.

120. Oh man. Are you getting your car worked on?

121. No, it's a meet and greet.

122. Right. For you.

123. Okay, that makes sense.

124. Oh, uh…

125. By the way, there's gonna be a line out the door.

126. And I hope that's not an inconvenience for you.

127. No, no. That'll be…

128. Let me ask you something. What are you doing these days, Ron?

129. Well, you know, I've, uh, slowed down a little bit.

130. Now I just play a lot of golf.

131. Good for you. At least that's a sport you can play drunk.

132. - What did you say? - Yeah.

133. - What did you say? - Settle down!

134. You bring me on your goddamn show?

135. Jesus Christ!

136. I can't believe you've never seen this before.

137. - Get this bastard off now! - Come on!

138. If he's gonna be a liability, we should just send him home.

139. What? No, if anything, we should get the word out.

140. …my fucking space!

141. I… I… I would like for you to tell him to leave, please.

142. Okay.

143. No.

144. Shit, this is the part he strangles him.

145. That what you want, motherfucker?

146. Look. That could be you.

147. "We're gonna have to ask you to leave."

148. Hit him with the fucking Bart Simpson…

149. Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

150. These tires are at cost?

151. No.

152. Sir, I apologize.

153. There was a problem with the distributor, so we can no longer honor that coupon.

154. I made the appointment specifically for that coupon.

155. I know. I'm sorry.

156. This is bullshit.

157. I'm not coming back here.

158. Hey, you want an autograph?

159. Who the fuck are you?

160. I'm Ron Dobbins, you son of a bitch.

161. Famous NASCAR guy.

162. I was in a Chili's commercial back in 2009 with a dwarf?

163. Little person!

164. It was for a $5 kids meal.

165. The whole commercial was about a dwarf

166. pretending to be a little kid so he could get the deal,

167. but it turns out that any adult could get the discount.

168. It was really degrading.

169. - For the dwarf. - Little person.

170. But

171. better than wrapping him in Velcro

172. and throwing him up against a motherfucking wall.

173. Quite the business you're running here.

174. I actually saw that commercial, Ron.

175. It was great.

176. Looking good, buddy.

177. Thanks. I got a guy coming by later. I think he's gonna buy it.

178. - Really? - Yeah, yeah. Well, you know.

179. I bought it for 4K. I could sell it for 20.

180. - I guess. - What?

181. What's it gonna be worth in ten years?

182. What? Who knows?

183. Probably more than 20K.

184. Since when do you have an opinion about anything?

185. No one asks.

186. Throw me into a fuckin' tailspin and walk away?

187. Hey, y'all. This is Ron Dobbins, and I'm here at Valley Forge Auto,

188. home of the cheapest tires.

189. Come on down for your picture and autograph,

190. and pick yourself up a stack of True Thread tires

191. for only $99 apiece.

192. - I need you to delete that. - What? Why?

193. Because we're not supposed to be selling those tires at that price anymore.

194. What the hell are you talking about? That's what Phil told me.

195. - That's what I'm getting paid for. - I… I… I know.

196. Um, but…

197. Listen.

198. Can you just delete it

199. and maybe… wrap it up?

200. Head home?

201. Oh.

202. I feel like it's just not going the way we thought it would.

203. It'll pick up.

204. I… I don't know if it will, Ron.

205. I'm… I'm sorry.

206. Well, I guess my star doesn't shine as bright as it used to.

207. I remember a time when people used to recognize me

208. every day, and…

209. I pretended like I hated it, but I… but I loved it.

210. I thought it would… thought it'd be there forever.

211. Turns out forever ended in 2015.

212. It's kind of embarrassing.

213. - No. - It's not embarrassing.

214. You're the man.

215. You're Ron fuckin' Dobbins.

216. Me and my buddy dressed up like you for Halloween in 8th grade.

217. - Yeah? - Yeah. Hell yeah. It was awesome.

218. Instead of saying, "Trick or treat," we'd say, "Brother, all I need is…"

219. Two women and four wheels.

220. I hadn't said that in ten years.

221. That feels good.

222. Thank you, brother.

223. And I, uh…

224. - I guess I'll be shoving off now. - No, stay.

225. Fuck it. Let's blast this thing out, man. We gotta tell people Ron Dobbins is here.

226. I got a buddy at the radio station, can give him a call. We'll put it on air.

227. - Yeah? - Yeah.

228. Yeah, I could call Reagan. She has, like, 200,000 followers.

229. It's mostly Indian guys who say stuff like,

230. "Please, for the rest of my life," but she's got pull.

231. Hell yeah.

232. We've been having a… pretty shitty week.

233. And you've… you've had a rough ten years.

234. At least.

235. We're all having a tough time together. We're in this thing together.

236. - Might as well have some fun with it. - All right! All right!

237. Hey, I… I got a comment.

238. "Fat pussy loser."

239. "You haven't been anything for years."

240. "Stop posting."

241. "Sad."

242. "The next time you take a video,

243. do it from the top of a bridge before you fuckin' jump off."

244. "Your win at 2006 was by a hair."

245. "Fuck you."

246. Well, that's bullshit. You… you won that by more than a hair.

247. - I'm gonna delete that video. - Yeah. We can do another one.

248. Yeah.

249. Done.

250. Let's get out the booze and get all shined up.

251. Fuck yeah.

252. It's 1977.

253. It's mostly original parts.

254. New paint, new headlights. Whoa!

255. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

256. I don't know shit about cars, so that stuff is pointless to me.

257. How fast does it go?

258. It can get up to 125, but this is not a car you race. This is vintage.

259. It smells old.

260. - It is old. - Shit.

261. - Let me hear the engine. - All right.

262. Hey! I'm here at Valley Forge Auto with NASCAR's Ron Dobbins. That's right.

263. Get your ass here to meet this legend. He's only here for the day.

264. Now hit 'em with it.

265. Yes.

266. - It's very good. - Golly! This is a wild woman.

267. - Thank you. - Yeah, she had sex with Will.

268. Get the fuck out of here.

269. Okay, okay.

270. - I ought to get your autograph, dude. - Yeah, Will's a nasty little boy.

271. - Reagan! Will you, please? - I remember you saying that.

272. "Will you, please? Put my dick in your mouth?"

273. God, I love this so much.

274. That was "Honky Tonk Crunk" by Them Carolina Boys.

275. Oh, this is it.

276. If any of you are in the Valley Forge area,

277. get yourselves down right now to Valley Forge Auto.

278. They've got NASCAR legend Ron Dobbins signing autographs today.

279. And you remember that nasty boy Will,

280. the "clitoris doctor" from our show last week?

281. Well, he'll give you the best deal on tires

282. if you can get the panties out of his mouth.

283. Shane!

284. Man, how great is that?

285. I just wanted to seriously thank you guys for this.

286. It means the world to me. It really does.

287. Holy shit!

288. Ron Dobbins!

289. You bet your ass.

290. You've been served.

291. Wait. You, uh…

292. You want me to sign the hat too?

293. No, Ron, he doesn't want you to sign the hat.

294. - Will put his finger in my butt. - Ooh.

295. He did what?

296. Yeah. Come on!

297. Even if you don't know cars, you know that sounds good.

298. 18K.

299. It's too low.

300. Wait, wait. Why'd that happen?

301. It's just… You gotta run it a couple times. It's gotta warm up.

302. Uh-uh-uh, no. I'm not paying 18K for a car that doesn't work.

303. It works! It's just gotta be massaged a little bit.

304. It's a classic.

305. 14K.

306. It's too low.

307. I'm not going any higher.

308. What do you think?

309. I think you'd be lucky to get this car for 18K.

310. Plus, we just had a guy here that was ready to pay 17 for it, so…

311. Bullshit.

312. No, she's right. A guy came in earlier today, and he offered to pay 17K.

313. Okay, then.

314. I'm leaving.

315. Okay.

316. - Okay. - Okay.

317. Okay!

318. Walk away.

319. Thank you.

320. Knock it off.

321. Sorry to hear about your divorce, man.

322. That's okay.

323. I'll wake up tomorrow, and life will work out just fine.

324. Amen, brother.

325. Good afternoon, Will.

326. I'm here from the West Chester Tribune.

327. Yeah, I remember you.

328. Look out, the local press is here.

329. Yeah, he's still here, huh? Drinking at work too.

330. I see this place is still operating at the same degree of professionalism

331. as when I last was here.

332. You here to do a story on me? 'Cause I gotta go to the bathroom first.

333. I don't know who you are, and I'd love to keep that relationship intact.

334. I'm actually here to talk to you.

335. A number of your customers are claiming false advertising?

336. I have a couple of specifics.

337. It looks like you listed a coupon on your website that is no longer valid,

338. and you ran a radio ad for a tire price that no longer applies.

339. Do you have anything to say about that?

340. I would say it's all true.

341. It's all true.

342. I advertised cheap tires.

343. Cheapest tires around.

344. And it worked.

345. We were getting ready to expand

346. and……revolutionize the industry.

347. I mean, I put all of our money into this.

348. Then True Thread

349. shut it down.

350. They came in and said, "Our biggest customer is mad at you,

351. and you can't bribe us as good as them,

352. so we have to jam our big, fat, corporate dick

353. up your mom-and-pop ass."

354. So, basically, True Thread's a stripper. She's a real hot stripper.

355. We're at the strip club, and we love her,

356. and we would give anything to kiss her and touch her body.

357. But all we have is 20 bucks, so we don't get to finger her.

358. And in comes fuckin' Tire World, some fat fuckin' Middle Eastern guy.

359. You know, True Thread's on stage dancing.

360. We're looking at her. We're going, "Goddamn, I wish she could be mine."

361. She's up there. She's all like,

362. "If you wanna see my pussy, it's gonna cost some money."

363. Then Tire World comes in, and they're like, "Yes, baby."

364. "I'll take you to back. I show you dream world."

365. "You will be mine."

366. What?

367. - Makes perfect sense. - Yeah, so we're fucked.

368. I let my dad down.

369. I let my uncle down.

370. I let my cousin down.

371. And now I have nothing.

372. I have no marketing initiative, no plan.

373. I do have a ton of angry customers

374. and a company headed right back into the hole

375. that we just got done struggling to get out of.

376. So, yeah, we're drinking at work.

377. "Local dumb-ass ruins his business." Print that.

378. Fuck True Thread!

379. Goddamn, they dropped me when I quit winning races.

380. You can print that too.

381. I'm out for a piss.

382. Who gives a shit?

383. Well, actually, I'm very sorry to hear that.

384. You want a drink?

385. Yeah.

386. Okay, let's get you a drink.

387. Brother, all I need is two women and four wheels.

388. So when's the meet and greet?

389. Dunno.

390. I used to do investigative journalism for The Hudson Chronicle.

391. And then they fired me

392. because I was about to expose one of their biggest donors.

393. Do you know the name of the sales rep at True Thread who was taking bribes?

394. I sure do.

395. Fuck yeah!

396. What the fuck?

397. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

398. Goddamn!

399. Oh!

400. Jesus.

401. Oh!

402. I'm all right.

403. I think I'm all right.

404. Yeah!

405. I'm Ron Dobbins!

406. Valley Forge Auto are the only motherfuckers gave me a shot!

407. They sell the cheapest tires in town!

408. And one more thing!

409. Fuck True Thread!

410. - Yeah! - All right!

411. Shit!

412. Wanna know Something 'bout my right arm?

413. I done flex so hard I set off fire alarms

414. The fireplace outta space With Orion's Belt

415. Big jewels on myself With the tiger smell

416. Straight out the jungle, stingray kiss

417. Ice blue cool, top lip frostbit

418. The soundbite Clark Gable On my cable bill

419. Bill Cosby on my couch Out in Nashville

420. Plum couch Mandarin orange on the cornfields

421. High fructose Concentrated purple spill

422. She was grabbin' on my schlong Doin' handstands

423. Hey, Julia Stiles, save the last dance

424. Second glass started Bird's in my bottle

425. Only three stay forever, that's 10%

426. I can do the math But I choose to take a nap

427. Front yard hovercraft on Versace raft

428. Dry land, Swedish fans Buying palm trees

429. Bitch, I could sing a hook Like Alicia Keys

430. New pants, 40 grand's on the Lex land

431. I'm the white Gucci Mane With a spray tan

432. Take bottles, don't wait You shouldn't too

433. What the fuck a wife do? No wedding shoes

434. Yeah, no wedding shoes

435. What the fuck a wife do? No wedding shoes, yo