Tires 2x1

1. Things are going extremely well.

2. We've been busier than ever,

3. and most importantly,

4. our customers are happy.

5. - Got all of it? - Yeah.

6. - Nice work. - Thank you very much.

7. Yes, boom. We're hot.

8. Bang, bang, bang.

9. What?

10. - That was cool. - Are you kidding?

11. Our low-cost tire strategy

12. is the most effective marketing initiative to date.

13. I want money…

14. We have been in the black every single week for the past six months…

15. …which means big bonuses for our guys.

16. That's what I want…

17. - Bro. - Is this for real?

18. I'm gonna buy a gun. I'm gonna get a bunch of guns.

19. It's certainly made their life a lot easier.

20. And mine too.

21. Everything is true…

22. - Gotta be honest, this sucks. - Yeah.

23. The coffee?

24. No, the game, but

25. coffee… The coffee too.

26. Our goal now is expansion.

27. We want to up our marketing game, expand our inventory.

28. We got a deal on those brake pads?

29. And give the shop a much-needed facelift.

30. And with this new loan, we can do all of that.

31. - You're too small. - We think…

32. No, we know

33. that the Valley Forge brand has a bright future ahead of us.

34. And with this money,

35. we will get there at the speed of light.

36. What do you think?

37. - I wasn't listening to a word you said. - Shane.

38. It was good.

39. A little enthusiasm, Kilah.

40. I like it. It's just…

41. What? Spit it out.

42. You hate it, I can tell, but you're wrong. But what?

43. - Why do we need a loan? Shit's good. - Shit is good, but shit could be great.

44. All right, look. Sometimes my boyfriend wants to do a threesome.

45. - Nice. - With his friend Jeff.

46. - What? - And I'm all for getting plugged up, but—

47. - Ew. - Kilah, get to the point.

48. Listen. I like it better when it's just my boyfriend.

49. Shane's right. Things are good here, Will. You don't need another guy.

50. That's actually a really good analogy.

51. Okay, Kilah, first of all,

52. your boyfriend sounds like a potential homosexual.

53. Second of all,

54. I would let the bank jam it in me if it made my orgasm more powerful.

55. - You sound like a potential homosexual. - Enough. From the top.

56. Things have been going extremely well!

57. This is bad.

58. This is Jon.

59. Dad, can you meet me at the bank a little early?

60. - I wanna practice my speech with you. - What speech?

61. - The speech for the loan. - You don't have to give a speech.

62. - We'll just present the financials. - Okay, well…

63. Shit. Dang it! I gotta go.

64. See you in a bit.

65. Okay. Get fired up, Dad.

66. Don't tell me to get fired up!

67. - Tell yourself to get fired up! - What the hell is taking so long?

68. I have a life!

69. Okay, Dad. I have to go. We're busy because of my idea.

70. We're about to get a loan because of my speech.

71. Good morning, sir.

72. Oh, is it? Well then, I'll have whatever drugs you're taking.

73. Now, this lady here said my car would be ready in less than an hour.

74. Well, it's already been 50 minutes,

75. and you haven't even begun to drain the oil.

76. Sir, I assure you—

77. - Where is the oil? - They're working on it.

78. If you're gonna make me wait, I should get something.

79. For free.

80. - Valley Forge Auto Center. This is Kilah. - Hey, Kilah. It's Dave.

81. - Dave's on one. - I'm not here.

82. That's for damn sure.

83. - He's not here. - Where is he?

84. He had to go to the

85. library.

86. - The library? - Okay. Um, tell him to call me back.

87. All right. Just an FYI, I am an accountant for the township.

88. You really don't wanna get on my bad side.

89. No, sir. We don't wanna get on anybody's bad side.

90. Look, I assure you, you are in safe hands with the team at Valley Forge Auto.

91. They're professionals.

92. I bought a gun.

93. Jesus, man.

94. I got it with my bonus money.

95. Is it loaded?

96. I didn't buy any bullets yet.

97. Or did I?

98. See that? That's trigger discipline.

99. You don't know about that 'cause you're a liberal.

100. I'm gonna take the shot. See that?

101. - You're an idiot with a gun. - That's John Wick shit.

102. - You have a permit? - Does this scare you?

103. Yeah. You having that? That scares me, yeah.

104. - Take your clothes off. - I'm not taking my clothes off.

105. Hey, Shane?

106. What up?

107. That guy up there works for the township, and he's being an asshole,

108. so can you just hurry his car up?

109. I'm going as fast as I can. I've been slammed all day.

110. All right. Well, I'm headed to my meeting at the bank.

111. So I'm leaving. You're in charge.

112. No, I'm good.

113. Shane.

114. I mean,

115. don't you eventually wanna move up to manager?

116. No, not really.

117. Honestly, I think you'd be very good at it.

118. You're great at talking to people.

119. It's better pay. It's better hours. Get your feet a little wet.

120. - Be manager for the day. - I think we should vote on that.

121. Cal, shut the fuck up. Managers are talking.

122. One more outburst, gonna put a bullet through your forehead.

123. Hey, there you go. That's good management.

124. Guys, I trust the place won't fall apart. See you soon.

125. It won't.

126. 'Cause there's a new sheriff in town.

127. And I'm your boss, and I'll fucking for real kill you.

128. - Put it away. - Ooh!

129. - When I get bullets though? - Don't get bullets.

130. They're not even working on it. It's just sitting there.

131. Can you start working on my car already?

132. I'm hungry!

133. - What'd you get with your bonus? - Smartwatch.

134. You love the government keeping tabs on you.

135. I don't love the government. You can do crazy stuff on this.

136. - You can do crazy stuff? Like what? - Yeah, I can answer my emails.

137. You can check the weather. You can order an Uber so easy.

138. Funny you say that. Every car on earth's an Uber with this.

139. Yeah.

140. I hop in. I go, "We're going to the airport now."

141. - All right. - Also, the settings. No talk.

142. I can watch porn on this.

143. You ever try backhand with it? Keep it on the same?

144. I have not tried that.

145. A little Roger Federer. King of the backhand.

146. - Catch a fed. Slow stroke king. - Shane?

147. - Could you help this customer out front? - It's manager time.

148. Shane, it would be nice if you would support one idea that I had.

149. We should be like velociraptors.

150. And instead, you know, you're being like T. rex,

151. I'm the velociraptor, and you're eating me at the end.

152. Oh, here we go. Turn it around on me. Everything is gay when you say it's gay.

153. "They're saving kids in Africa. That's gay. Breakdancing, gay."

154. It's like, no, they're not. Shane, you know what? Shut up!

155. Shut up!

156. Okay, ma'am, thank you for taking this meeting with me at the bank.

157. I love the way that your office is decorated.

158. I looked at the Google reviews of all the banks, and this one, by far…

159. Move, dickhead!

160. I think this is something you're gonna be really excited

161. and wanna be a part of.

162. This is something really exciting, and I think you'll wanna be a part of.

163. Hey.

164. So we took a look at your car.

165. Uh, you got a cracked radiator hose in there,

166. and we're gonna wanna fix that today.

167. I don't really know what that means.

168. I don't really know what that means.

169. What's in your pocket?

170. It's a gun. You do really need to fix it. Might as well do it while we have it here.

171. How long's that gonna take? I have an appointment.

172. Well, you're gonna have to cancel that.

173. Well…

174. No, thanks. Just the oil.

175. - Just the oil? - Yeah.

176. All right.

177. Thank you, sir, for helping.

178. Shane, someone clogged the toilet.

179. - So? - Will normally fixes it.

180. Oh, fuck it. Fine.

181. Jesus Christ.

182. Oh, sorry, ma'am. Somebody will be right with you. I'll get somebody.

183. Um, excuse me!

184. Hey, Will.

185. I knew you weren't at the fuckin' library.

186. Lisa, can you please get back to the front counter?

187. You don't manage the employees, okay?

188. Lisa, sweetheart, will you do me a favor and go to the front counter?

189. - Sure thing. - Thank you.

190. - Don't kiss again! - Love your shirt.

191. Thank you, Lisa. It's tailored. Thank you.

192. Dave, my God! Highly inappropriate.

193. I hope you're happy.

194. I'm gonna be walking around all day with a loaded gun.

195. Ew! You're in my dad's office making out, with an erection?

196. In front of pictures of me?

197. I think it shows my mental fortitude to be able to get this hard

198. with your ugly-ass child face in here.

199. - It's revolting. - It's gonna start soon, Will.

200. No, no, no, no!

201. Take it somewhere else!

202. Shane?

203. When you're done, I got a delivery, and they need a manager to sign off.

204. Also, I clogged it.

205. Oh, you fuck!

206. - Does your wife know about this? - Yes, Will.

207. Last night, I sat my wife down at dinner and said, "Honey,

208. I'm having an affair at the office."

209. Well, it has to stop.

210. It is so inappropriate.

211. Will, this is not Microsoft.

212. Nobody gives a shit. We can have sex with whoever we want here.

213. It's one of the perks of selling tires.

214. - No, it's not. - The only person really affected?

215. Probably Lisa's boyfriend. He's a nice guy and really looks up to me.

216. He'd be devastated to lose a mentor like me.

217. - Oh my God. Where's my dad? - Putting out a fire at Belmont. Why?

218. We have a meeting at the bank in 15 minutes.

219. Right.

220. "Right." What's that supposed to mean?

221. Nothing. I'm sure he'll be there.

222. Don't be jealous because you didn't get invited to the bank meeting.

223. I didn't get invited 'cause your dad's not taking it seriously.

224. It's a financial meeting, Will. I run the store's finances.

225. If your dad cared, I'd be there.

226. You know what? There is a lot that you don't get invited to.

227. Really?

228. Like what?

229. You're trying to push me out.

230. Unbelievable.

231. You're here one year, have one good idea, and you think you can do my job?

232. I've been doing this for 15 years.

233. I even cheat here. That's how much I care about this company.

234. Other guys can't bounce an affair and work.

235. They let their responsibilities go to the wind.

236. Not me. I get pussy here.

237. I look at reports. Here, sucked off.

238. Emails. Little jerk. Back to emails.

239. - That's how much I care! - Get sucked off at home!

240. - You couldn't jack off as much as me! - Yes, I do! Shut up, Dave!

241. You couldn't bust as much as me and do this job, and you know that!

242. I have to go. I would like for you to take your erection to your own office.

243. Please!

244. - Can you send Lisa back in here, please? - No!

245. Ninety minutes.

246. I've been waiting for my car for 90 minutes!

247. Hey, hey, hey! Someone is in here,

248. and he's just started!

249. Cal, let me get your attention. Put down those bolts.

250. This right here, 1978 MGB.

251. We're picking this bad boy up, and I know you want it.

252. Yeah, I love MGBs.

253. You have class, and we'll give you first dibs.

254. - We're also getting a new Dodge Charger. - But…

255. They run like $40,000.

256. But somebody did a suicide in it.

257. We got it for 12.

258. A little bit of Windex and a new headrest, boom,

259. we'll probably sell it for 32.

260. But this is what I see you in.

261. These guys giving you a hard time, Cal?

262. - Ho! - What's up, bro?

263. Got a lighter there?

264. - No, it's a gun. - Oh, like a… like a lady gun?

265. No, like a regular… a big guy gun.

266. - Our mother has the same exact gun. - Yeah.

267. Watch it, wops!

268. Okay, take it easy, big guy. Why do you have a gun?

269. The gun's for protection.

270. Some psycho comes in here, I'll fucking pop out of the back,

271. and bla-bla-bla!

272. Psycho walks in here, you're not gonna see him coming.

273. Entrances everywhere.

274. You'll be dead before you yank it from your bra.

275. Someone comes to shoot up the place, it's gonna be crime of passion.

276. It's gonna be sloppy. It's probably gonna be Kilah's fault.

277. They'll come in the front door high on meth and blast Kilah in the face.

278. Now it's go time, and I'm ready.

279. Next, they'll try to kill Will, who'll piss his pants.

280. Before they can get a shot off, boom.

281. I blast those fuckers.

282. And I'll say something cool like…

283. Now you're dead. You shouldn't have come in here.

284. Then I'll be on the news getting some medal,

285. and the headline reads,

286. "Local fucking badass saves one white, two something elses, and—"

287. Goddamn! Where'd you come from?

288. I'm going outside for a smoke.

289. There's a dude out front, and he is pissed.

290. He wants a manager.

291. How about I go out there and blow his brains out?

292. Knock it off, you silly goose.

293. All right. I gotta go talk to that customer.

294. Watch your ass.

295. It's the perfect size gun. The big ones tend to hurt.

296. You think that's funny? It's not a joke.

297. Fuck you guys.

298. Okay, 1978 MGB.

299. Where are you?

300. Belmont store. I got a machine break.

301. - You gonna be late? - Yes.

302. Just reschedule.

303. I'm not rescheduling. I'm here already.

304. Also,

305. Dave said you're not even interested in this loan. Is that true?

306. Can we talk about this later?

307. No!

308. Will, I got a guy here who got his finger caught in a tire machine.

309. - I gotta go. - You're gonna embarrass me if—

310. - Mr. Jacobs. - Hello.

311. Hello. Are we still waiting for your dad?

312. No. He's tending to a mechanic who has a finger stuck in a tire machine.

313. Not that it's not safe. We don't have a lot of lawsuits.

314. Hey, lovely office. Is this…

315. Look at that artwork.

316. - Uh… - Ooh, lollipops.

317. Come on in.

318. It's nice, right? It's legit.

319. Cal, you ever have a threesome with another guy?

320. My boyfriend wants to do threesomes with other guys.

321. We keep doing 'em.

322. What do you guys think?

323. Let's be honest here. There's obviously nothing gay

324. about going Dutch on a chick with your buddy, right?

325. I mean, you know, so long as it's not a habit. It does happen.

326. It happens.

327. - Have you two done that? - Of course.

328. It happens.

329. Oh Jesus!

330. Feels gay.

331. Wait. Do they finish at the same time?

332. Actually, yeah.

333. - Tommy, did you say something? - No, I didn't say nothing.

334. - Good afternoon, sir. - Oh, let me guess.

335. "Your car's not gonna be ready for another 30 minutes."

336. - Are you kidding me? - Just… Can I—

337. I should get something for free because everywhere else in this town,

338. when they fuck up, you get something for free.

339. We didn't fuck up.

340. The car needs new brakes, otherwise, you're never gonna pass inspection.

341. Bullshit!

342. Do you wanna check the brakes yourself?

343. Yes, actually, I do.

344. Okay, go ahead.

345. Ridiculous.

346. Get on the ground!

347. Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

348. All right, guys. We're taking off!

349. - We'll see youse! - What the fuck's wrong with you?

350. - Yeah, Cal. What the fuck? - Oh my God. I thought it was you.

351. You were gonna do this to me? That's so hurtful.

352. Have you gone mad?

353. Yeah, Cal. Have you gone mad?

354. - I thought we were doing a thing. - "We"? You have a mouse in your pocket?

355. What are you doing with a gun? Sorry about this.

356. - Grinds my gears he's bringing guns here. - I'm so sorry. Can I help you up?

357. Don't touch me!

358. Don't touch him. You've done enough. You've gone mad!

359. I really need something free.

360. - Oh fuck. - My lumbar!

361. My lumbar.

362. It's six good months.

363. Everything before that looks

364. tough.

365. Okay. That's all I need. We'll have an answer to you in a few days.

366. That's it?

367. That's it.

368. The machine that drops confetti from the ceiling is broken, so…

369. Okay.

370. Yeah, I just had a whole speech prepared.

371. You can still do it if you want.

372. Well, not now that the confetti machine's broken.

373. What happens if you don't get this loan?

374. Honestly?

375. Nothing.

376. We'll keep trudging along.

377. We'll stay in business. We'll make a small profit.

378. But… we'll never grow.

379. My dad doesn't think this loan's a good idea.

380. I don't think anybody does.

381. Threesomes.

382. I know it sounds like a risk.

383. It sounds like I'm asking for $750,000

384. so I can go to the casino and put it all on black.

385. But it's gonna hit.

386. I… I know it is.

387. That's pretty good.

388. And that wasn't even the speech.

389. All dressed up and someplace to go

390. Someplace fine for those in the know…

391. Okey dokey.

392. Dancing the night away…

393. I'm so sorry.

394. I didn't know you were there.

395. Are you out of your mind? You stuck a gun directly in my face.

396. It's just a lady gun, jeez.

397. I should call my buddy right now

398. and have your use and occupancy permit revoked.

399. Oh! My spine!

400. - We can make this right. - How?

401. - A threesome with Kilah and her boyfriend? - With two guys? Ew!

402. That's what I said. Here, I got you.

403. All right. 50% off anything from me for life, all right?

404. Okay, I'll take it. But I'll need something else!

405. Just tell us what you need. Name it.

406. Ooh.

407. Oh, he's fucking loving that thing.

408. - Goddamn, I just got that watch. - You're better off without that.

409. It's good. I want the government tracking that motherfucker.

410. What do you think he's gonna do with it?

411. "Oh God, my lumbar. No!"

412. Jesus.

413. Yeah, so the lady at the bank said everything looked good.

414. - Nice, dude. That's what you wanted. - Oh, and get this.

415. Dave is having an affair with Lisa Lapowitz.

416. - What? - Lisa La… Isn't Lisa hot?

417. Yeah, she's really hot.

418. - Yes, I walked in on them. - Ew.

419. Not like sex, but kissing, like vigorously. It was disgusting.

420. What were you doing?

421. - Walking in, going, "What are you doing?" - You didn't watch for a second?

422. Anyway, everything looks good here today.

423. - Yeah, looks good. It was a good day. - Yeah.

424. Kilah took a dump and clogged the customers' bathroom.

425. I brought a gun to work. Cal pointed the gun at a customer.

426. What?

427. - I thought it was Shane. - All right.

428. - Wanna see the gun? - No.

429. - It was… - Good about the bank though.

430. - Yeah. - Good job.

431. We're rooting for you.

432. You say you knew me That's just a big lie

433. I hope you're jokin' Mama, I don't want you to know

434. Ah-ha-ha-ha-hah

435. The city's cold You don't belong there

436. My mind is killin' Baby, I just want you to know

437. Ah-ha-ha-ha-hah

438. And it's bricks or coconuts

439. I gotta pick only one

440. Oh!

441. Shine!