Tires 1x3

1. Well, fellas, I told you we had a plan to bring in new customers.

2. I think we did a good job.

3. Honestly, I like Will's tricking women idea better.

4. That wasn't the idea.

5. But I agree with the tone.

6. Dave, this is gonna attract the worst customers.

7. It's going to attract customers though, right?

8. And then it's your job to upsell them once they're in the door.

9. What if we did a... a, uh... a special—

10. Will. Will.

11. Your little lesbian discount kind of blew up in all our fucking faces.

12. - Let me do the thing. - That wasn't the idea.

13. We can all agree the idea was to get lesbians to buy stuff.

14. - That was the idea. - Only lesbians would've responded.

15. Continue, Dave.

16. Now, to incentivize you guys, we're gonna make this a contest.

17. Gonna get the competitive juices flowing, show some fucking pride.

18. You versus Belmont, our other incredibly shitty store.

19. And the winner gets a $300 gift card!

20. That's pretty nice.

21. Is it a full $300? 'Cause sometimes there's, like, a fee

22. when you use it.

23. Cal, I mean this as respectfully as possible.

24. I think you spent too much time inhaling exhaust fumes,

25. and I don't need you throwing out any comments.

26. Copy that.

27. Normally I'd say you guys are fucked in any kind of competition,

28. but I think you got a pretty nice shot at this thing

29. 'cause Belmont's like fucking Fallujah right now.

30. You see how loud your brakes are? You need the brakes!

31. - I don't want them! - You want them!

32. I don't!

33. Whoever's got the Honda, I'd love to work on your car,

34. but there's a tuna sandwich in there. It fuckin' stinks!

35. All right, fellas. Well, listen.

36. Good luck.

37. I believe in you.

38. I'll call you later.

39. Well, this blows.

40. We gotta get that card.

41. Yo, Dave. Hold up.

42. I can't believe you still drive this.

43. Dog, this is like a lighthouse for waitress pussy.

44. I get so much head in this car.

45. You get head in it?

46. Oh yeah. - No, you don't.

47. Can I help you with something?

48. Yo, are we closing? Is our shop shutting down?

49. What?

50. No, man.

51. Yeah, the discount. The big fucking discount.

52. That's what happens at stores that are about to close. We're closing?

53. Look, Shane, I can't divulge specifics

54. on the economic health of the Valley Forge Automotive Empire,

55. but... if there was a time to start caring,

56. it's now, my man.

57. You wanna watch me peel out?

58. Yeah, absolutely.

59. Fuck yeah, dude!

60. You don't get fucking head in there, dude!

61. Yes, I fucking do!

62. Hi. Welcome to Valley Forge Auto.

63. - Hey. - What can we do for you today?

64. Um...

65. He's here for an oil change.

66. - He's here for that oil change. Oil change. Got it.

67. Is there anything else the car might need, or...

68. Just the oil change.

69. Okay. Well, can I just have your key, and then...

70. Thank you, and, um, we'll get it in the system,

71. and then I'll get one of the guys to start on it very shortly.

72. Well, ma'am, uh, I wanted to talk to you...

73. Hello, ma'am. I wanted to talk to you...

74. Or, actually, your... your uncle,

75. or, uh, grandfather? Father?

76. Who is he?

77. Anyway, I wanted to talk about his vehicle.

78. Hello, ma'am. I wanted to talk to you about the maintenance—

79. What are you doing?

80. Just rehearsing.

81. That was...

82. It sounded good.

83. Thank you?

84. I think you're doing a great job.

85. - Thanks. W... what are you doing? - I think we can beat Belmont today.

86. Okay. Yeah, we can beat Belmont.

87. - No, we need to. We need to win. - I know. What's gotten into you?

88. Nothing. I just want the gift card. Look... it is important we win this.

89. Yeah, I know.

90. If you're gonna hit my penis, just hit my penis. Get it over with!

91. We're good. We're fine. We're good. We're good.

92. Of course we're gonna be all right.

93. All right.

94. Hello, ma'am. I'd like to talk to your...

95. What the fuck was that?

96. Hey, has anyone, uh, helped you out yet?

97. Whoa!

98. You're a big guy.

99. Yeah? Like, in a good way?

100. - Yeah. - Hell yeah. What do you need?

101. Uh, oil change.

102. - Yeah, I can... I can do that for you. Awesome. Cheap.

103. It's quick too.

104. - Not too quick. No?

105. It'll be quick. I'm just... Yeah.

106. - Here. Take the keys. - Did you see that reflex?

107. That was pretty good. It's impressive.

108. jumbo pool in the backyard. I am sick of the kiddie pool!

109. Damn it. Look, you gotta stop putting that shit on your lips

110. because every time you drink my soda, all I can taste is bubblegum.

111. - You're such a fucking complainer. - I'm not a fucking complainer.

112. All you do is complain!

113. Fucking— - Hello! Welcome to Valley—

114. Yo, what's up?

115. So the cheap oil change. 9.95. That's all I need.

116. All I need is the oil change. Nothing else.

117. Don't try and upcharge me on some bullshit like an air filter

118. or a goddamn moonroof or anything like that. Just the oil change.

119. Okay. Well, we'll bring the car in,

120. look it over, make sure it doesn't need anything else.

121. - It doesn't. - You don't know that.

122. I do know that. I work on that car all the fucking time.

123. I just don't have the oil.

124. Is that your blue Hyundai out there?

125. Yeah.

126. It's smoking.

127. Yeah, man. It needs oil, okay?

128. - Okay. Keys.

129. Grab a seat, preferably as far away...

130. Maybe if you wanna wait outside. It's nice weather.

131. Okay. So let's game-plan this out.

132. I personally think that the best customer to upsell

133. would be the Chinese pair.

134. And I'm pretty sure that they're Chinese because I thought I heard some Mandarin,

135. and I took two years of Mandarin in high school.

136. - You speak Mandarin? Just a little bit.

137. Let me hear it. - No.

138. You gotta practice before we go out there and use it.

139. Okay. I would say something like, uh...

140. That was fucking good, dude.

141. Right? It's not bad.

142. What else do you know?

143. I can also do "Happy Birthday." I can sing "Happy Birthday."

144. See, you can't...

145. I can actually speak a little Japanese myself.

146. Oh!

147. Godzilla!

148. Don't come in here again. We're tired of you, Godzilla.

149. You keep ruining all our stuff.

150. Shane... Okay.

151. If you... Yes—

152. I don't think... Dude, for real, the best one is the MILF.

153. - I'm not writing "MILF." - Write "mature naturals."

154. She's ready to go. That's an easy sell.

155. And then there's white trash, which we could just all agree on.

156. Yeah, that's trash.

157. Okay. They're the worst. They are a nightmare.

158. - But talk to me about— - Trust me on this.

159. - She has a vibe. I'll give you that. She has a very sexual vibe.

160. You should have seen it. I walked out there. She was like...

161. She was like, "Holy shit, you're fucking huge." I was like...

162. - Did she really say that? Something like that.

163. She will respond to sexual energy if you can bring it, dude.

164. You got a shot at this.

165. - Kilah saw it. Am I wrong? - Yeah.

166. Women like her respond to sexual energy.

167. She's horny as fuck.

168. Got a work order. That lady needs an alignment.

169. Oh, okay.

170. What's that?

171. Will called a meeting to show us all his porn searches.

172. Shane! We are just game-planning.

173. Oh yeah, throw stepsister on that.

174. I'm trying to tell Will to flirt with that lady.

175. - I don't think you're fucking with me. - I'm not. Let me see it.

176. I'd be like, "Hey, we had a look at your car

177. and noticed that the tires are a little, uh...

178. a little smooth on the outside."

179. - Ooh! - "And, uh, we gotta do an alignment."

180. - Bad boy energy. Yeah.

181. Nothing we can do about it. Back up?

182. Dude, you're gonna get me hard.

183. - Just be confident, not sexual. I can do it.

184. I don't know if you can do it.

185. You think I don't know how to sell with sex? Watch this.

186. - Ew! - Shane!

187. Hey.

188. Technician had a look at your car, and we're gonna have to do an alignment.

189. Okay.

190. And...

191. if you want, I can go around back and top your fluids off for you.

192. What?

193. I was just... I could top your...

194. You know.

195. You clicked at me?

196. And what is that face?

197. No, there's no face!

198. - Were you making a sexual pass at me? - Ma'am, no! Sir, private conversation!

199. - He was making a sexual pass at me, right? - I was not!

200. - If clicking did exist, it was— - I wanna talk to your manager.

201. Well, I am the manager.

202. - So what's going on over here? Nothing! Good luck with that.

203. Who was the big doof at the front desk?

204. What? No. He just said that he had a lot of sexual energy with you—

205. - Oh, really? Yeah.

206. Sexual energy?

207. I don't want the alignment. I don't want anything about it.

208. Give me the keys. I'm getting out of here.

209. - W... wait!

210. Oh fuck.

211. You fucked up, dude.

212. This is bad. She wanted me. I don't know what you did wrong out there.

213. I guess we can go ahead and cross off "mature naturals."

214. She's out. I could've had her.

215. I was reeling her in.

216. You couldn't get it, could you? I went, "Whoa! Hold on there, tuna!"

217. I would've fucked that lady. You blew it.

218. I didn't blow it. I saved you. That was a crazy lady.

219. Crazy ladies are the best, dude.

220. I would've brought her back here, cleared this desk off. "Come here."

221. "Oh! Jesus! No one's ever done this!"

222. "Oh, fucking hell."

223. "Oh, you're gonna make me fucking jizz."

224. "Oh shit, lady!"

225. Anyway...

226. Chinese.

227. I think I should move on and just take care of the white trash now.

228. No. That's gotta be Kilah.

229. Got a better chance of speaking Mandarin than white trash.

230. - Kilah's fluent. - Is that right?

231. You know how there's a frequency only dogs can hear?

232. That's how she is with white trash shit. Try it. Get her attention.

233. Kilah!

234. Nothing. Watch this...

235. Oh fuck! I spilled coffee Coolatta all over my scratch-offs.

236. She's gonna do great out there.

237. You focus on Chinese.

238. The problem is...

239. Chinese people don't use gweilos as their mechanics.

240. They usually use other Chinese people.

241. Unfortunately, we don't have any Chinese mechanics.

242. But we do have...

243. I don't normally talk to customers.

244. I know that's been the rule for a while, but I'm gonna break the glass

245. because... I think you would really help me sell to this Asian guy.

246. Why now?

247. You have a vibe.

248. I have an Asian vibe?

249. You're tranquil, Cal.

250. Okay, I'll help you on one condition.

251. No Chinese.

252. - Yes, Chinese. - You don't need it.

253. Chinese is the whole thing. That's not a good idea.

254. Not good.

255. No, just explaining the work is the whole thing.

256. Just tell me what it needs. - It needs struts.

257. Do you know how to explain struts?

258. We took care of the oil change. The oil change is done.

259. I noticed that your struts are a little worn out.

260. You'll want to get those replaced.

261. You're probably experiencing a little bit when you're driving,

262. bouncing like you're on a jet ski

263. 'cause it's affecting the way your tire makes contact with the road.

264. If it gets a little slippery out there, it's gonna be a real mess.

265. Oh, ma'am. Ma'am?

266. I... I think what he's saying is that the struts are very dangerous

267. and need to be replaced.

268. Could you translate that?

269. Oh... oh...

270. I'm sorry, uh...

271. You just... You did this.

272. - No, I didn't. Yeah, you did this.

273. And I... I didn't say anything where you would do this while saying it.

274. I think it's more like "dangerous, dangerous."

275. So, I mean, maybe try again. Take two.

276. Dangerous. You know, 'cause... boom-boom, boom-boom, smash!

277. Oil change!

278. Just the oil change, please.

279. Listen, I think we might have gotten off on the wrong foot.

280. Here's something that might sort of impress you a little bit.

281. I speak a little bit of Mandarin.

282. Don't do that.

283. - Does anybody have a birthday coming up? - What?

284. You fucked that one up.

285. Ever since you sex-harassed my beautiful MILF, we're down 95 bucks.

286. And probably a pretty awesome sexual experience.

287. We are in a bit of a pickle.

288. How do you think Belmont's doing?

289. Valley Forge Belmont.

290. Hey.

291. Hey, Will.

292. What's up?

293. Nothing. What's up with you?

294. You sell something?

295. Yeah, we sold some stuff.

296. Us too.

297. Will, that gift card is ours.

298. - You understand? - So what have you sold?

299. What did I sell?

300. Brakes, rotors,

301. windshield wipers.

302. - They didn't sell that. - You didn't sell that!

303. Who's that? Shane?

304. - Fuck you, bitch! - Fuck you. Tell him fuck you.

305. Are you sitting there on your computer,

306. Shane's in your ear, being fat?

307. You're being a pussy? I don't have time for it.

308. I got a garage full of cars, and they all need work.

309. - You wish! - You wish!

310. We're gonna take that gift card and go to Red Lobster.

311. We don't give a fuck. We're going to Red Lobster.

312. - We're going to Red Lobster! - No, we're going!

313. - No, we are! - We're going to—

314. To be fair, Chipotle. But, I mean, you get the tone!

315. Yeah, Chipotle is good. The guys here love Red Lobster, so...

316. - The fuck you talking about? - Hey, Will. Listen to this.

317. Fucking prick.

318. This is bad.

319. Come on, god dammit! We gotta win this thing!

320. I'm gonna go sell to... I'm gonna go sell to the white trash.

321. You can't.

322. That's a horse only Kilah can ride. They'd fucking hate you.

323. Me and Kilah are gonna sell it to these people.

324. All right. Well, you gotta get pumped up. Do you have a song that pumps you up?

325. I'm not gonna listen...

326. Do you listen to music before... What do you listen to?

327. Pirates of the Caribbean theme song.

328. Goddamn.

329. Adventure on the high seas? Give it a listen.

330. Yeah, your brakes are fucked. And that squealing you hear?

331. It's called the rotors, and those are also fucked.

332. Don't I know you?

333. One moment.

334. I definitely stabbed this girl's brother in high school. I gotta go.

335. - You can't. It was me.

336. - I know it was you. - Excuse me, folks.

337. I gotta go take a poop.

338. Fuck.

339. Yeah, I'm not paying for rotors, dude.

340. Okay. Look, your inspections are gonna be due soon.

341. You got a taillight out. You'll never pass that.

342. I don't give a shit. Just change the oil, man.

343. You got kids?

344. I noticed a lot of baby pictures on the keychain.

345. My sister's kids.

346. Oh...

347. - They're cute. Yeah.

348. Well, if for some insane reason that woman left her children with you,

349. you're gonna want the car to be safe, honestly.

350. Oh, that's really nice.

351. What are you gonna do? Suck his dick?

352. All right.

353. A little heads-up. It's gonna take 45 minutes.

354. Okay, fuck off, Darren.

355. I'm gonna level with you. I saw the pills in the car.

356. I don't care. That's fine. The reason I didn't bring it up

357. is 'cause Kilah would be chewing through the dash to get them.

358. It is her.

359. Look, dude, fixing a taillight's 30 bucks. That's all it takes.

360. You can get pulled over for not having a taillight. Imagine.

361. You get pulled over. Cops take all your fucking pills.

362. Now you gotta hang out with her sister's kids, pill-less?

363. - I... I...

364. Do the fucking taillight.

365. - And the brakes. Do them too.

366. It's gotta be safe.

367. Ugh!

368. Jeez, Will! What the fuck?

369. I'm so sorry, Kilah! I thought you were out smoking!

370. It could have shattered on me!

371. The one time you're working!

372. - Are you okay? What do you think?

373. I'm never gonna hear the fucking end of this.

374. Yo.

375. You fucking lost.

376. Little Willie couldn't get the job done. They sent the big dog to make the sale.

377. Uh... that'll be 250 total.

378. fight the other day. That's crazy.

379. - Run that. Okay.

380. Uh, I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick.

381. I don't care.

382. Boom. I'm the only one that got a sale today, dude.

383. I get to decide where the gift card goes.

384. I get to divvy up that money, bitch!

385. That's what the fuck I thought.

386. Oh fuck!

387. He gave me a Dave & Buster's gift card.

388. - What the fuck? - Well, how much money are we down now?

389. That's, uh,

390. negative 425.

391. Jesus.

392. We're fucked.

393. God, what a stupid initiative!

394. You gotta get rid of these tires, dude. It stinks in here.

395. Yeah, I know. It stinks.

396. Just sell 'em for, like, half off or something.

397. See, that's actually a good idea.

398. Because when people come in

399. for cheap tires, they're still spending, like, $600,

400. and that's a lot easier to upsell.

401. While we had the tires off, we did notice brakes.

402. They're already spending that money.

403. - Okay. - Great. I'll get the guys on it.

404. - Thank you. Thank you.

405. We shouldn't do cheap oil. We should do cheap tires.

406. - That's not bad, dude. - Right?

407. I like it.

408. It's a good idea!

409. - Hey. - Hey!

410. Excuse you! Ma'am!

411. Hey, you.

412. Let's fucking go! Hey!

413. Fucking... go!

414. - Fuck. We lost her again. My goodness! This is the exact...

415. See? We can't deal with that.

416. That sign's gotta come down!

417. Kilah!