Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! 5x9

Directed by

Zach Galifianakis as Tairy Greene • Paul A. Brown as Dancer • LeVar Burton as Self • Peter Cetera as Self

An infomercial for the vending machine-sized database of every work Tairy Greene (Zach Galifianakis) has ever acted in.

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1. >> Eric: HEY, TIM.

2. LISTEN, MAN, I CUT MY HANDS

3. REALLY BAD.

4. CAN I BORROW SOME OF YOUR GAUZE?

5. >> Tim: HELP YOURSELF.

6. >> Eric: THANKS.

7. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

8. >> Tim: WELL, I'M MAKING SOME

9. CARAMEL POPCORN FOR MY VERY OWN

10. TAIRY GREENE FILM FESTIVAL.

11. >> Eric: THERE'S NO MOVIE

12. THEATER HERE.

13. WHERE'S THE PROJECTOR AND ALL

14. THE FILMS?

15. >> Tim: ERIC, I DON'T NEED ANY

16. OF THAT STUFF ANYMORE, BECAUSE

17. I'VE GOT THE TAIRY GREENE

18. MACHINE.

19. HERE WE GO.

20. >> Eric: THAT THING LOOKS REALLY

21. COOL, TIM.

22. >> Tim: THE TAIRY GREENE MACHINE

23. CONTAINS EVERY MOVIE, TV SHOW,

24. AND PUBLIC APPEARANCE THAT

25. TAIRY GREENE EVER MADE.

26. >> Eric: NICE.

27. >> Tim: BULL'S-EYE.

28. >> Eric: THAT THING LOOKS

29. EXTREMELY COMPLICATED.

30. I MEAN, I CAN'T EVEN OPERATE MY

31. VCR AT HOME IN MY "CON-DO."

32. >> Tim: ERIC, THE TAIRY GREENE

33. MACHINE IS SO EASY TO USE, EVEN

34. CAN USE IT.

35. >> Eric: NICE.

36. >> Tim: YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE

37. HEAD.

38. >> Eric: ALSO LOOKS LIKE IT

39. REQUIRES TONS OF ELECTRICITY.

40. >> Tim: THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE

41. COMPLETELY WRONG, ERIC.

42. THE TAIRY GREENE MACHINE

43. OPERATES WITH GOOD,

44. OLD-FASHIONED AMERICAN TAP

45. WATER.

46. >> Eric: NICE.

47. >> Tim: BULL'S-EYE.

48. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS.

49. >> Eric: RIGHT.

50. >> Tim: WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS

51. TAKE THIS HOSE.

52. AND WHY DON'T YOU GO TURN THE

53. WATER ON?

54. >> Eric: OKAY, IT'S ON.

55. >> Tim: JUST CONNECT THIS HOSE

56. RIGHT UP THERE TO THE

57. CINCO-APPROVED FAUCET.

58. >> Eric: DOES IT FIT ON HERE?

59. >> Tim: YEAH, THAT SHOULD —

60. SHOULD FIT FINE.

61. >> Eric: YOU'RE NOT — COME ON!

62. LET ME TRY IT.

63. ALL RIGHT, WE GOT IT?

64. WHAT'S THE NEXT STEP?

65. >> Tim: ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE'RE

66. GONNA NEED TO GET THAT

67. TEMPERATURE TO 75 DEGREES

68. EXACTLY, OR THIS BOY WON'T TURN

69. ON, SO WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A

70. LITTLE HEAT?

71. THAT'S TOO MUCH — WAY, WAY TOO

72. MUCH.

73. >> Eric: IT'S ALL THE WAY ON

74. HOT.

75. >> Tim: LOSE THE HEAT.

76. IT'S AT 100 DEGREES. ADD COOL.

77. >> Eric: HOT OR COLD?

78. >> Tim: HOT, HOT, HOT!

79. OKAY, TAKE IT OFF. YOU'RE GOOD.

80. ALL RIGHT, NO, DON'T DO NOTHING.

81. THAT'S IT.

82. BULL'S-EYE.

83. >> Eric: THERE IT IS!

84. >> Tim: BULL'S-EYE.

85. >> Eric: NICE.

86. >> Tim: WE'RE READY TO WATCH ONE

87. OF TAIRY'S FINEST... FILMS.

88. >> Eric: ENJOY THE MOVIE.

89. >> STEP, BALL, CHANGE.

90. STEP, BALL, CHANGE.

91. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION!

92. STEP, BALL, CHANGE.

93. STEP, BALL, CHANGE.

94. STEP, BALL, CHANGE!

95. DENISE! DENISE!

96. THANK YOU!

97. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO DO COCAINE

98. OFF A VERTICAL MIRROR!

99. >> HIS MOVES COULD IGNITE HIS

100. STUDENTS TO BE THE BEST THEY

101. COULD BE.

102. >> YOU UNDERSTAND HOW SICK WE

103. ARE OF YOU?

104. AS YOU KNOW, I KEEP ALL MY CASH

105. IN GOLD, SO...

106. >>

107. >> THEY SAID HE'D NEVER DANCE

108. AGAIN.

109. >> 7:30?

110. TO

111. DANCE AGAIN?

112. >> BECAUSE IT'S NOT WHO I AM

113. ANYMO-O-O-O-RE!

114. >> WHAT — WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

115. >> BOO-HOO-HOO!

116. I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I KNOW WHO

117. I AM ANYMORE.

118. >> BUT SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO

119. REACH THE BOTTOM BEFORE YOU CAN

120. START OVER AND CLIMB BACK TO

121. THE TOP.

122. >> OHH!

123. DADDY?

124. >> UH, NO, TAIRY.

125. I'M THE GHOST OF LEVAR BURTON.

126. >>

127. >> AND I'M HERE TO GET YOU BACK

128. ON YOUR FEET AND DANCING AGAIN.

129. COME ON, BIG GUY.

130. >>

131. >> TAIRY GREENE IN A COMMAND

132. PERFORMANCE, FEATURING

133. LEVAR BURTON FROM

134. "THE STAR TREK" AS HIMSELF.

135. >> MM-HMM.

136. 1, AND 2, AND 3.

137. AWESOME!

138. >> HEY, CAROL, LOOK AT ME!

139. CAROL! LOOK!

140. I'M SOARING LIKE AN EAGLES!

141. SOMETHING WONDERFUL IS HAPPENING

142. TO ME.

143. >> THE CRITICS RAVE...

144. >> MAYBE THE ONLY GIFT WE HAVE

145. IS THE CHANCE TO START AGAIN.

146. >> I LIKE MOVIES, BUT WHAT I

147. REALLY LOVE ARE ALL THE SPECIAL

148. FEATURES THAT COME WITH THE DVD

149. OR VIDEO-CASSETTE BOX SET.

150. >> Eric: FOR INSTANCE, THE MUSIC

151. VIDEO FROM THE MOVIE

152. "TINY DANCING MAN."

153. >> Tim: HEY, GUYS, WHAT DO YOU

154. WANT FROM ME?

155. YOU'RE GETTING ALL THESE AMAZING

156. MOVIES FOR FREE.

157. THE SPECIAL FEATURES — THEY'RE

158. A LITTLE BIT EXTRA.

159. >> Eric: LIKE $9.99?

160. >> $29.99?

161. >> Tim: NOPE, ONLY TWO TAIRY

162. TOKENS.

163. >> Eric: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT

164. OF FUN.

165. CAN I TRY?

166. >> Tim: BE MY GUEST.

167. >> Eric: COME ON, GUYS.

168. LET'S WATCH.

169. [ BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!

170. BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ! ]

171. >> CAROL! LOOK!

172. >> ♪ NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU

173. >> Tim: I JUST THINK HE'S SUCH A

174. GOOD ACTOR.

175. YOU WANT SOME MORE POPCORN?

176. >> NO, THANK YOU.

177. >> Tim: ERIC?

178. >> Eric: YES, PLEASE.

179. >> Tim: YEAH.

180. >> HEY, WHAT ARE YOU THREE

181. DOING IN HERE?

182. >> Both: WE'RE HAVING A

183. TAIRY GREENE FILM FESTIVAL.

184. >> OH, I DON'T LIKE HIS MOVIES.

185. I DO LIKE THE ONE MOVIE,

186. "LITTLE DANSON MAN."

187. >> WE JUST WATCHED THAT ONE.

188. >> NO, NOT THAT

189. MAN."

190. I'M TALKING ABOUT THAT

191. MAN."

192. >> Tim: WELL, IF IT'S GOT

193. ANYTHING TO DO WITH TAIRY GREENE

194. THEN...

195. >> All: IT'S GOTTA BE IN THE

196. MACHINE!

197. >> Eric: YOU KNOW WHAT, TIM?

198. LET ME LOOK IT UP IN THE

199. TAIRY GREENE MEDIA DIRECTORY.

200. OH IT!

201. DOWN A LITTLE BIT.

202. >> Tim: ANYTHING?

203. >> Eric: UH, TIM, I FOUND IT!

204. "LITTLE DANSON MAN," NUMBER

205. 9-879-358-4.

206. >> Tim: HERE WE GO.

207. >> I HOPE I ENJOY THE SHOW.

208. >> I DON'T HAVE ANY SANDALS!

209. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

210. WEAR TURKEYS ON MY FEET?

211. >> HE WAS THE GREATEST ACTOR

212. OF HIS GENERATION.

213. >> I'VE STARTED TO DIVERSIFY

214. MY PORTFOLIO.

215. I'M OKAY.

216. I'M — I'M ALL RIGHT.

217. >> BUT IN AN INSTANT, IT WAS ALL

218. GONE.

219. >> HOW SMALL ARE YOU, TEDDY?

220. GIVE IT TO ME IN INCHES.

221. >> MAYBE 6 INCHES?

222. >> WHAT?

223. THAT'S PERFECT! PERFECT!

224. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY WE'RE

225. GONNA MAKE ON MOVIES AND RECORDS

226. AND TV SHOWS FEATURING

227. TINY TED DANSON?

228. OH, I'M GETTING THE

229. CHILLY-WILLIES JUST THINKING

230. ABOUT IT!

231. >>

232. YEAH, IT IS PRETTY FUNNY.

233. HA, I GUESS.

234. GEEZ, LOU, I DON'T THINK I'M

235. GONNA BE ABLE TO GET TO MAKE

236. LOVE TO A WOMAN AGAIN.

237. >> WELL, I'LL SHRINK A WOMAN

238. DOWN FOR YOU.

239. >> HOW AM I GONNA BALANCE MY

240. CHECKBOOK?

241. >> GET YOU A TINY CHECKING

242. ACCOUNT.

243. >> WHAT IF I GET BITTEN BY A

244. BEE?

245. >> GET YOU SOME TINY ALLERGY

246. SPRAY.

247. >> HOW AM I GONNA PLAY SPORTS?

248. >> GET YOU A TINY FOOTBALL.

249. >> HOW WILL I HAVE LUNCH?

250. >> GET YOU A TINY PANINI.

251. >> WHAT IF I HAVE TO GO TO THE

252. BATHROOM?

253. HOW AM I GONNA WIPE MY BUTT?

254. >> WE'LL GET YOU SOME TINY

255. TOILET PAPER.

256. >> WHAT?

257. >> YEAH, DON'T WORRY.

258. I GOT IT ALL —

259. WHERE'S MY QUARTER?

260. WHERE'S MY QUARTER?

261. >> ... FEATURING THE HIT SONG...

262. [ INTRO TO "LITTLE DANSON MAN"

263. PLAYS ]

264. >> I GUESS.

265. >> ♪ YOU COULD BE MAKING

266. >> I CAN'T FIND MY K—

267. >>

268. >>

269. THESE ARE SOME HUGE DONUTS.

270. >> UGH!

271. >> Tim: SO?

272. WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?

273. >> ME LOVE THE TAIRY GREENE

274. MACHINE.

275. >> Eric: YOU KNOW WHAT, TIM?

276. I'M SOLD.

277. ANY FAMILY THAT LOVES THE

278. TAIRY GREENE MOVIES WILL LOVE

279. THIS TAIRY GREENE MACHINE.

280. >> Tim: I'M GLAD YOU SAID IT,

281. NOT ME THIS TIME.

282. >> Eric:

283. >> THE TAIRY GREENE MACHINE'S

284. AM.

285. >> YOU KNOW, I LOVE THIS

286. MACHINE, BUT I JUST HAVE ONE

287. QUESTION — THE WATER THAT GOES

288. IN HERE, WHERE DOES IT ALL GO?

289. >> Tim: I'LL SHOW YOU.

290. THAT'S WHAT ALL THESE LITTLE

291. MOPS ARE FOR.

292. COME ON, YOU GUYS.

293. I NEED THIS FLOOR SPIC-AND-SPAN.

294. >> Eric: I'LL HELP.

295. >> Tim: YOU DON'T JUST — DON'T

296. JUST SWIRL IT AROUND.

297. >> Eric: I GOT UP HERE.

298. >> Tim: LET THE MOP SOAK IT UP.

299. YOU JUST —

300. IT'S GOTTA BE IN THE MACHINE.

301. >> Both: IT'S THE TAIRY GREENE

302. MACHINE.

303. >> Eric: THE TAIRY GREENE

304. MACHINE.

305. >> Tim: IT'S THE TAIRY GREENE

306. MACHINE.

307. >> Eric:

308. >> Tim: OKAY, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

309. >> Eric: OW.

310. >> Tim: ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

311. WAKE UP.

312. HE'S LOSING A LOT OF BLOOD.

313. LET'S GET SOMEBODY IN HERE.

314. MY FRIEND NEEDS HELP!

315. >> WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

316. WHO AM I?

317. >> Tim: NO, HE'S DONE.

318. ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

319. WHY DON'T YOU GUYS CLEAR OUT?

320. LET'S GIVE HIM SOME PEACE.

321. YOU WERE THE BEST.

322. >> WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?