1. IT'S FREE.
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2. REAL ESTATE.
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3. WE'RE GIVING YOU LAND.
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4. IT'S FREE.
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5. WE'RE GIVING YOU A
HOUSE.
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6. IT'S REAL ESTATE. FREE.
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7. IT'S A FREE HOUSE FOR
YOU, JIM.
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8. THIS IS FREE REAL
ESTATE.
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9. WELL, YOU GOT TO BRING
FURNITURE, BUT THE HOUSE IS
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10. FREE.
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11. TWO BEDROOMS. NO RUGS.
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12. IT'S FREE.
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13. YOU UNLOCK THE DOOR TO
YOUR FREE HOUSE.
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14. WE GOT YOU THE REAL ESTATE.
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15. IT'S A 2-BEDROOM HOUSE.
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16. IT'S FREE.
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17. IT'S GOT A POOL IN THE BACK.
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18. I'M NOT CARRYING THIS
AROUND ALL DAY.
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19. HOUSE.
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20. FREE REAL ESTATE.
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21. I'LL PEE IN MY PANTS.
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22. JIM, COME GET YOUR DAMN
LAND.
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23. IT'S A FREE HOUSE!
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24. JIM, I GOT REAL ESTATE.
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25. JIM, DOES IT GET BETTER
THAN THIS?
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26. JIM.
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27. THE HOUSE IS FREE!
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28. JIM.
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29. THE HOUSE IS FREE!
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30. IT'S A FREE
HOUSE.
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31. It's free real estate.
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32. HELLO, AND WELCOME TO
"BEN HUR SHOW — AWESOME."
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33. UM, I HAVE SOME VIDEO IN MY MIND
TO SHOW YOU.
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34. HA!
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35. YEAH! WHAT UP?
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36. SMOKE DA CRACK.
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37. FRESH. DICK.
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38. GET HIGH IN DA HOUGH-HOUSE.
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39. DOESN'T TOUCH YOUR NIPS? ♪
MAYBE JUST GET A SHIRT WITH
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40. HOLES IN IT AND LET'S STOP
TALKING ABOUT THIS.
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41. I DON'T KNOW ANYONE ELSE WITH
THAT PROBLEM.
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42. WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO YOUR
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR BEFORE
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43. SINGING A SONG ABOUT IT?
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44. BLOP, BLOODY NIPS ♪
♪ NOBODY WANTS MY BLOODY NIPS
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45. YOU KNOW, A BOY YOUR
AGE SHOULDN'T REALLY HAVE
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46. SENSITIVE NIPPLES LIKE THAT.
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47. IT'S REALLY A — A GIRL'S
PROBLEM.
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48. I THINK I WANT TO QUIT THIS
BAND.
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49. THIS IS A SONG ABOUT A WOMAN'S
PROBLEM, AND IT'S DISGUSTING.
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50. Dr. EVERYONE'S GOT A
BODY, RIGHT?
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51. WE'RE ALL THE SAME WITH SOME
SMALL DIFFERENCES.
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52. LETS U-USE MY BODY FOR AN
EXAMPLE.
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53. WILL YOU HOLD ONTO THAT?
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54. THERE'S FOUR MAJOR PARTS OF THE
BODY.
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55. THE FIRST PART IS CLOTHES.
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56. THAT'S THE PROTECTIVE SHELL OF
THE BODY.
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57. SO WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU TAKE OFF
THE CLOTHES?
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58. THE HUMAN BODY IS A PLAYGROUND.
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59. SO WHAT'S THE NEXT LAYER OF THE
BODY?
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60. WELL...
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61. HOLD ON.
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62. IT'S HARD TO TAKE YOUR BODY OFF.
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63. LOOK AT THAT.
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64. WHAT IS IN EVERY BODY?
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65. SOME MUSS-KULLS.
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66. THESE ARE THE BONES.
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67. THIS IS THE ONLY PART OF YOUR
BODY THAT NEEDS BONES IS THE
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68. CENTER PART, BECAUSE YOUR LEGS
HAVE MUSCLES TO MOVE AROUND.
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69. THEY DON'T NEED BONES.
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70. LOOK.
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71. YOUR BODY IS LIKE A PRESENT.
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72. EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU GOT
TO UNWRAP IT AND SAY, "WHAT'D I
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73. GET?"
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74. THIS IS WHERE YOUR TEETH COME
FROM.
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75. EXCUSE ME.
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76. THAT'S IT.
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77. LET'S DANCE.
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78. WANT TO DANCE?
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79. NO?
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80. BRULE.
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81. GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.
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82. WE HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT
ANNOUNCEMENT.
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83. TIM AND ERIC ARE RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT.
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84. I'M TIM HEIDECKER, RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT, AND MY RUNNING MATE
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85. WILL BE ERIC WAREHEIM.
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86. THANK YOU SO MUCH,
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87. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
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88. LET'S FLIP IT UP.
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89. ERIC WAREHEIM — PRESIDENT.
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90. AND TIM HEIDECKER, IN A SMALLER
FONT — IN JOKERMAN FONT —
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91. TIM HEIDECKER — VICE PRESIDENT.
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92. QUICK CORRECTION ON
THAT.
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93. UM, APPRECIATE YOUR STATEMENT.
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94. THANK YOU.
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95. I WANT TO JUST ADD TO
THAT.
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96. THAT'LL BE TIM HEIDECKER,
PRESIDENT, AND ERIC WAREHEIMER
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97. AS THE VISS PRESIDENT.
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98. IF I COULD JUST MAKE AN
AMENDMENT ON THAT.
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99. TIM HEIDECKER, PRESIDENT WITH A
VICE — YOU KNOW, WITH THE VICE
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100. INCLUDED — AND ERIC WAREHEIM
WITH NO VICE.
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101. IT'S A FULL PRESIDENT.
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102. TIM HEIDECKER RUNNING
FOR PRESIDENT.
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103. BEST, UH — 1st PLACE.
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104. 2nd PLACE WILL BE
RICK HEINEGEBER.
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105. I'M THE NUMBER-ONE DOG.
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106. ERIC WAREHEIM FOR PRESIDENT, AND
MY SIDEKICK, MY LITTLE MAN,
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107. TIM HEIDECKER IS V.P.,
VICE PRESIDENT — SMALLER.
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108. HERE IT COMES.
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109. NO, NO.
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110. OKAY.
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111. NO, NO.
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112. NO, DO THIS.
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113. [ INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY ]
MICROSCOPE.
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114. MICROSCOPE.
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115. MICROSCOPE.
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116. MICROSCOPE.
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117. HI. WELCOME TO
"MICHAEL IAN BLACK: FOCUS ON
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118. COMEDY."
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119. I'M MICHAEL IAN BLACK.
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120. JOINING ME TODAY, TIM AND ERIC.
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121. TIM.
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122. I'M ERIC.
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123. GOOD STUFF.
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124. GOOD STUFF.
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125. SO TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT
THE SHOW.
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126. WELL, IT'S A, UM, COMEDY
SHOW.
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127. RIGHT.
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128. LET ME ASK YOU, BECAUSE I KNOW
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129. PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW THIS...
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130. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS ON WHEN YOU
WRITE THAT STUFF?
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131. WELL, WE DO PARTAKE.
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132. YEAH.
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133. I GET MARIJUANO, AND I
ROLL IT UP IN A CIGARETTE AND
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134. SMOKE IT WITH ERIC.
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135. THAT'S AWESOME.
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136. ONE TIME OVER THE
WEEKEND, TIM AND I WERE WRITING
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137. A BIT, AND MY EYES GOT BUGGED
OUT.
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138. [ BOING! CLANG! ]
I'M FREAKING OUT LOOKING AT
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139. THAT.
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140. YEAH.
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141. AND WHERE CAN WE SEE THIS SHOW?
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142. IT'S A LATE-NIGHT
COMEDY SHOW, AND IT'S ON THE
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143. CARTOON NETWORK, BUT THIS IS
ACTUALLY A LIVE-ACTION SHOW.
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144. AND IT'S —
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
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145. WAIT.
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146. GO BACK.
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147. IT'S NOT LIKE AT 11:00.
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148. IT'S ACTUALLY ON THE QUARTER
HOUR, ON THE 15.
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149. SO WHEN YOU SET UP YOUR DVR,
SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO ACTUALLY
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150. CATCH THE SHOW.
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151. WHAT?
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152. HEE-HEE, HEE-HEE, HEE-HEE,
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153. HEE-HEE.
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154. HEE-HEE, HEE-HEE, HEE-HEE,
HEE-HEE.
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155. HEE-HEE, HEE-HEE,
HEE-HEE, HEE-HEE.
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156. WELL, THIS HAS BEEN
"MICHAEL IAN BLACK: FOCUS ON
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157. COMEDY."
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158. I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS, TIM
AND ERIC, FROM "TIM AND ERIC
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159. GREAT JOB!"
NICE TO MEET YOU GUYS.
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160. PLEASURE TO BE HERE.
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161. BE HERE.
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162. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
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163. OOPS.
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164. I ALMOST FORGOT THIS ONE.
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165. OOH.
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166. [ POP! ]
IT'S "THE BEST OF PUSSWHIP
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167. BANGGANG."
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168. THERE'S THE CAJUN SOUND OF
"JAMBALAYA"...
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169. "FUDGE MAN"...
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170. ♪ KISS ME ONCE
SHAME ON YOU.
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171. ♪ KISS ME TWICE
♪ LET'S PARTY
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172. "DON'T CALL ME UNCLE"...
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173. ♪ DON'T CALL ME UNCLE
♪ NO, DON'T CALL ME UNCLE,
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174. BROTHER ♪
♪ DON'T CALL ME UNCLE
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175. LOCAL SHOP"...
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176. "FLIP YOU THE BIRD."
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177. ♪ FLIP YOU THE BIRD
♪ FLIP YOU THE BIRD
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178. ALL THE GREATEST HITS ON ONE
CASSETTE TAPE.
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179. BUY YOURS NOW.
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180. THANK YOU.
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181. THANK YOU.
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182. TIM'S A 'TUTE MAN.
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183. THAT MEANS PROSTITUTES ALL
THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE, EVEN IN
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184. HIGH SCHOOL IN HIS OWN PARENT'S
HOUSE.
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185. THAT'S WHY HE'LL NEVER BE
PRESIDENT.
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186. ERIC WAREHEIM — FULL PRESIDENT.
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187. RICK WAREHEIMER WEARS A
STRAW HAT AT HOME IN HIS HOUSE.
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188. HE GOES OUTSIDE WITHOUT THE HAT,
BUT IF YOU SEE HIM IN HIS HOUSE,
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189. HE DOES WEAR A SMALL STRAW HAT.
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190. TIM HEIDECKER DOESN'T
EAT ANY CASHEWS OR ALMONDS OR
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191. ANY TYPE OF PENIS.
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192. AAAAHHHHHH!
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193. OOPS.
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194. IT'S TIME TO GET MY VIDEO BACK.
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