1. SO, FOR TONIGHT'S
EPISODE WE'RE TRYING SOMETHING
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2. THAT WE'VE NEVER TRIED BEFORE.
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3. WE'RE BRINGING IN A SPECIAL
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4. SKETCH.
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5. TOMMY WISEAU, AND HE DIRECTED
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6. ONE OF OUR FAVORITE FILMS,
CALLED "THE ROOM."
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7. HIT YOU.
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8. YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!
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9. WHY ARE YOU SO HYSTERICAL?
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10. DO YOU UNDERSTAND LIFE?
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11. DO YOU?
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12. A CHARACTER CALLED THE PIG MAN.
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13. SOME FOOD, AND THEN HE MAKES
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14. THESE HILARIOUS PIG NOISES.
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15. IT'S JUST A GREAT
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16. CHARACTER.
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17. IT'S A LOT OF FUN TO PERFORM.
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18. GREAT JOB! WOW!
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19. IT'S REALLY GREAT JOB.
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20. ♪ I LIKE VACUUMS, TOADS,
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21. AND A TIGHT-FITTING SHIRT ♪
♪ I LIKE CORKBOARD, PIZZA,
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22. AND CUTS THAT HURT ♪
♪ I LIKE REVERSE DILDOS
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23. AND MEAT WITH FAT ♪
♪ I LIKE BUNIONS ON MY FEET
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24. COME IN!
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25. HEY, TIM.
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26. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
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27. JUST HAVING A SNACK,
EATING SOME PRETZELS, READING A
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28. BOOK.
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29. OH.
PIG MAN.
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30. GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, THIS IS ALL
WRONG.
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31. WINK, THAT WOULD —
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32. JUST A COUPLE YEARS WE'VE BEEN
DOING IT.
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33. COUPLE YEARS? OH, MY GOD.
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34. ARE YOU FROM HOLLYWOOD?
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35. NO, I JUST MOVED OUT
HERE.
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36. YEAH, THAT'S OBVIOUS.
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37. OKAY, I HAVE AN IDEA.
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38. I WILL PLAY A PIG MAN, AND
JESSICA ALBA WILL PLAY TIM.
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39. I DIDN'T SHOW IT AT THE
TIME, BUT, I — MY EYES LIT UP
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40. BEHIND MY HEAD, AND I THOUGHT,
"JESSICA ALBA — I'M A FAN OF
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41. JESSICA ALBA."
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42. ERIC,
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43. TO GET ON THE SHOW.
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44. DIRECTOR.
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45. PIG MAN WITH YOU AND ME, BUT
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46. LISTEN, I'M THE DIRECTOR,
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47. RIGHT?
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48. YES.
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49. LET'S TRY IT.
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50. OKAY, LET'S TRY IT IN TWO
MINUTES.
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51. OKAY.
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52. CUT.
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53. GREAT MEETING, PAUL.
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54. MM-HMM.
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55. HEY, DO YOU KNOW A PLACE
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56. GOOD SLICE OF PIZZA?
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57. I'M NOT FROM AROUND HERE.
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58. LET ME CHECK WITH MY MANCIERGE.
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59. YOUR WHAT?
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60. IT'S A NEW DEVICE FROM
CINCO.
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61. WELL, IT HELPS YOU FIND
RESTAURANTS, HOTELS, ANYTHING A
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62. MAN MIGHT NEED ON THE ROAD.
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63. MANCIERGE.
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64. YES, I'M LOOKING FOR A PLACE
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65. MINE.
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66. HE'S A BUSINESS ASSOCIATE,
BUT —
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67. A PIECE OF WHAT?
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68. NO, PIZZA.
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69. PIZZA, YES.
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70. WHERE ARE YOU?
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71. WE'RE IN DENVER, COLORADO.
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72. UH, WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED
IN STEAK?
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73. UH, YEAH. PREFERABLY PIZZA.
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74. OH, GEEZ. I JUST SPILLED...
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75. OH, THANKS, JOSH.
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76. TROUSERS.
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77. HOLD ON A SECOND.
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78. I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU —
HELLO. WHO AM I TALKING TO?
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79. YEAH, ALL RIGHT, I'M — NO,
JUST — I'M JUST ASKING.
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80. HELLO?
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81. AND WHERE ARE YOU?
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82. I JUST TOLD YOU.
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83. WE'RE IN DENVER, COLO—
HOLD ON A SECOND.
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84. MANCIERGE.
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85. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
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86. HELLO?
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87. ALL RIGHT, WOULD YOU HOLD ON?
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88. I'M HELPING — WHERE ARE YOU?
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89. EVER BEEN IN DENVER?
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90. DO YOU KNOW A GOOD PIZZA PLACE?
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91. OUTDATED.
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92. WHAT TIME'S YOUR FLIGHT?
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93. DO YOU HAVE THE CORRECT TIME?
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94. WAIT. WHAT? HUH?
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95. HI.
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96. CAN I HELP YOU?
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97. YEAH, CAN I HAVE A DOZEN
RED ROSES, PLEASE?
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98. OH, HI, JOHNNY.
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99. I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS YOU.
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100. HERE YOU GO.
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101. THAT'S ME.
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102. HOW MUCH IS IT?
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103. THAT'LL BE $18.
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104. HERE YOU GO. KEEP THE CHANGE.
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105. HI, DOGGY.
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106. YOU'RE MY FAVORITE CUSTOMER.
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107. THANKS A LOT. BYE.
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108. BYE-BYE.
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109. PORK,
PORK, PORK, PORK, P-P-P-PORK,
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110. PORK, PORK, PORK.
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111. PORK, PORK, PORK, PORK.
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112. P-P-P-PORK, PORK, PORK, PORK.
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113. PORK, PORK, PORK, PORK.
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114. PORK.
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115. PORK.
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116. PORK.
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117. PORK.
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118. PORK.
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119. PIG.
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120. PORKIN'.
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121. P-P-P-PORK, PORK, PORK.
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122. PIG.
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123. PORK, PORK, PORK, PORK.
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124. P-P-P-PORK.
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125. PORK, PORK.
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126. MEAT.
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127. PORK.
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128. I LIKE TO PORK.
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129. PORK, P-PORK.
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130. POKE.
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131. PORK.
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132. I WANT TO PORK.
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133. PORK, P-PORK.
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134. PORK IN MY POOL.
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135. PORK, PORK, PORK.
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136. PORK IN MY HOUSE.
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137. PORK, PORK, PORK.
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138. PORK IN MY CAR.
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139. P-P-P-PORK.
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140. FANCY MEAL, THEN WE'LL PORK.
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141. SO IT'S THE BIG DAY.
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142. WE'RE SHOOTING THE PIG MAN
SKETCH.
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143. I'M VERY EXCITED.
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144. GOT UP WAY TOO EARLY.
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145. IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING FOR
ME.
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146. "JESSICA'S IN MAKEUP.
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147. WHY DON'T YOU COME MEET HER?"
I'M GONNA FINALLY MEET
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148. JESS ALBA.
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149. HI, JESSICA.
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150. TIM, ERIC, JESSICA ALBA.
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151. HI.
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152. UH, HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?
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153. THEY LOVE YOU.
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154. HI. J-JESSICA?
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155. JESSICA, YES.
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156. OKAY. ERIC WAREHEIM.
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157. MM-HMM.
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158. ARE YOU COMFORTABLE HERE?
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159. I AM.
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160. GREAT. THAT'S THE IDEA.
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161. I'M, UH, BLIND IN — IN
MY RIGHT EYE, SO SOMETIMES IT'S
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162. HARD FOR ME TO SEE...
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163. PEOPLE'S FACES.
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164. SAY, "THAT'S NOT THE MOVIE STAR
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165. JESSICA ALBA FROM 'FAB FOUR' AND
'GURU.'"
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166. SO IT'S STRIKE THREE FOR
TOMMY FOR ME.
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167. I MEAN, HE REALLY BETRAYED MY
TRUST.
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168. COME ON, GUYS.
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169. LET'S GET OUT FROM HERE.
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170. WHO IS
THAT?
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171. COME ON, GUYS. LET'S GO.
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172. THAT'S
NOT JESSICA ALBA.
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173. YES, IT IS.
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174. COME ON. DON'T WHISPER HERE.
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175. IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, LET ME
KNOW.
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176. OTHERWISE, I SEE YOU IN TWO
MINUTES, OKAY?
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177. OKAY.
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178. "LOVE GURU."
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179. THANK YOU.
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180. WE'LL SEE YOU IN TWO MINUTES,
JESSICA.
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181. MM-HMM.
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182. COME ON, COME ON.
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183. HOLD — HOLD ON JUST A SEC.
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184. UH, MANCIERGE.
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185. YES. CAN I BE OF SERVICE?
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186. YEAH, IT IS A BEAUTIFUL CITY.
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187. YEAH.
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188. UH, WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW
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189. WOULD BE THERE?
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190. HOLD ON.
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191. AIRPORT?
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192. EXCUSE ME?
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193. WILL THEY HAVE TO, UH, BE
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194. TO THAT RESTAURANT?
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195. HOLD ON.
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196. UH, MANCIERGE.
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197. OH, HI.
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198. HI, DONNY.
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199. DADDY'S QUITE BUSY.
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200. HELLO?
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201. MANCIERGE.
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202. NO, I DON'T NEED VASELINE.
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203. OH, IS THIS IS YOU AGAIN?
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204. NOW, STOP IT!
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205. YOU DIDN'T TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT
STATE YOU'RE IN.
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206. JOSH, KEEP THE WATER...
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207. I GOT TO TAKE THIS. HOLD ON.
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208. UP AND DOWN COLORADO.
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209. COLORADO.
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210. I'M SORRY.
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211. I CAN'T HELP YOU AT THIS TIME.
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212. COULD YOU GIVE ME A CALL BACK?
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213. COLORADO.
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214. OHH!
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215. OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK,
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216. OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK,
OINK, OINK.
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217. I AM PIG MAN.
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218. I AM PIG MAN.
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219. WINE?
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220. OH, I SEE YOU IN TWO MINUTES.
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221. OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK,
OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK.
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222. PIG MAN... I THINK I WANT TO
MAKE LOVE TO YOU.
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223. MINUTES, OKAY?
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224. I AM PIG MAN.
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225. I AM PIG MAN.
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226. I AM PIG MAN.
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227. I AM PIG MAN.
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228. I SEE YOU IN TWO MINUTES.
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229. MM-HMM.
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230. KID'S IN THE HOSPITAL.
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231. IT'S VERY STRESSFUL.
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232. OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK,
OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK,
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233. OINK, OINK.
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234. OKAY.
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235. OINK, OINK.
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236. I'M HERE.
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237. OINK, OINK, AHH.
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238. OINK, OINK.
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239. OINK.
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240. AH, AH, AH.
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