1. GOOD EVENING, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
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2. I'M TIM HEIDECKER,
WELCOME TO MUSCLES FOR BONES.
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3. I'M ERIC WAREHEIM,
FRIENDS OF TIM HEIDECKER,
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4. AND ALSO YOUR CO-HOST
FOR MUSCLES FOR BONES.
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5. WELCOME TO THE CHANNEL 5
STUDIOS.
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6. SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW,
RICHARD DUNN, SUFFERING FROM
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7. A VERY DEBILITATING
DEGENERATIVE BONE DISEASE,
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8. WHICH WE'RE HERE TO HELP
HIM OUT FROM.
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9. DAMN IT, GREG.
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10. AND YOU CAN HELP.
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11. ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS CALL
THE NUMBER AT THE BOTTOM
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12. OF YOUR SCREEN,
AND SEND US YOUR BONES.
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13. SEND US YOUR MAM-MAM
AND POP-POP'S BONES
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14. THAT WILL ALL HELP RICHARD DUNN
RETURN TO HEALTH.
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15. OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY,
SO CALL NOW.
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16. WE'LL BE CHECKING IN WITH YOU
LATER ON IN THE EVENING,
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17. BUT RIGHT NOW WE'RE GONNA
KICK IT OVER TO STUDIO B,
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18. WHERE WE GOT SOME GREAT
ENTERTAINMENT PLANNED.
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19. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,
MAY I INTRODUCE TO YOU,
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20. UNCLE MUSCLES HIMSELF,
UNCLE MUSCLES!
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21. I'M UNCLE MUSCLES.
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22. AND THANK YOU FOR JOINING US
IN THIS IMPORTANT BENEFIT
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23. TO HELP RICHARD DUNN
GET NEW BONES.
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24. THIS POOR MAN NEEDS YOUR HELP.
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25. MANY OF US TAKE OUR BONES
FOR GRANTED,
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26. BUT NOT THIS MAN.
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27. THIS IS WHAT LIFE USED
TO BE LIKE FOR RICHARD.
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28. AND LOOK AT HIM NOW.
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29. HE NEEDS YOUR BONES.
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30. CHILDREN, PLEASE SEND ME
YOUR BONES.
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31. I NEED THEM
MUCH MORE THAN YOU DO
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32. RIGHT NOW.
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33. IT'S AN EMERGENCY!
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34. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY SHOW!
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35. LET ME TELL YOU, WE HAVE
A FINE EVENING OF ENTERTAINMENT
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36. FOR YOU ALL.
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37. AND I WANNA START OFF WITH ONE
OF MY FAVORITE PERFORMERS,
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38. DAVID LIEBE HART.
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39. THIS IS A NEW SONG I WROTE
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40. ABOUT DRINKING MILK AND STAYING
HEALTHY FOR RICHARD DUNN
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41. TO GET BONES, OKAY.
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42. IT'S CALLED — OKAY.
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43. IT'S A NEW SONG I WROTE.
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44. MILK FANS ♪
♪ THEY STAY HEALTHY
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45. 'CAUSE THEY DRINK MILK ♪
♪ AND THAT'S WHY THEY ARE
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46. HAPPY STILL ♪
♪ DRINK MILK
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47. THE MILKY WAY ♪
♪ IT KEEPS YOU HEALTHY
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48. EVERY DAY ♪
♪ DRINK MILK AND STAY HEALTHY
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49. DON'T FORGET TO BRING IN
THOSE FUNDS FOR RICHARD DUNN
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50. TO GET THOSE NEW BONES!
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51. HI, I'M DR. STEVE BRULE.
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52. YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR BONES?
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53. YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES THE BONES?
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54. BONES ARE MADE FROM THE STUFF
THAT YOUR MUSCLES DON'T LIKE,
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55. THE JUNK THAT YOUR MUSCLES
THROW OUT.
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56. THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOUR BONES.
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57. SO, SEND US SOME BONES
FOR RICHARD DUNN.
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58. HE'S AN OLD WOBBLY GUY,
HE NEEDS SOME NEW BONES.
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59. COME ON, DUM-DUM,
GIVE US SOME BONES, HA HA HA!
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60. SEND US SOME BONES!
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61. BRING US YOUR BONES.
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62. FOR YOUR HEALTH.
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63. I'M VERY PROUD OF OUR
NEXT ACT.
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64. CASEY AND HIS BROTHER
HAVE PUT TOGETHER A VERY SPECIAL
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65. SONG FOR THIS EVENT CALLED,
"I WANT TO LIVE
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66. IN A CHOO CHOO TRAIN."
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67. OKAY, WE GOT A FEW MINUTES
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68. HERE, WE'RE JUST GONNA NAME OFF
A FEW OF YOU GUYS OUT THERE
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69. THAT ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE.
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70. WE'VE GOT BRENDAN O'FLAN
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71. CALLING IN WITH 1,000 BONES.
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72. FANTASTIC.
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73. THANK YOU SO MUCH, BRENDAN.
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74. WONDERFUL.
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75. THE BRANDON TWINS,
SAM AND BRANDON CALLING IN
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76. WITH 1,000 BONES EACH.
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77. THANK YOU SAM AND BRANDON.
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78. WE GOT 20 BONES COMING IN
FROM CATTSE D'OURSE.
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79. THANK YOU SO MUCH, CATTSE.
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80. BRAD HARRITY IS CALLING IN...
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81. BREAD? IS IT BREAD?
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82. CALLING IN WITH 100,000 BONES.
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83. THANK YOU, BREAD.
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84. THANK YOU SO MUCH, BREAD.
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85. WE REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
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86. AAH!
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87. UH!
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88. AAH! AAAH!
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89. HE'S REALLY SICK
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90. AND HE NEEDS YOUR HELP.
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91. HELLO, I'M DR. REID TAMARANDA
FROM THE AMERICAN BONE
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92. INSTITUTE.
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93. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING,
HEY, I DON'T HAVE ANY SPARE
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94. HUMAN BONES TO DONATE.
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95. WELL, NOW SCIENTISTS
FROM OUR INSTITUTE
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96. HAVE BEEN ABLE TO MAKE
USABLE HEALTHY HUMAN BONES
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97. FROM CHICKEN AND PIG RIB BONES.
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98. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
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99. HERE'S ONE OF OUR SCIENTISTS
IN OUR LAB WITH A COLLECTION
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100. OF USED ANIMAL BONES
WHICH WOULD NORMALLY BE TOSSED
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101. OUT IN THE TRASH.
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102. FIRST THE BONES ARE CRUSHED
INTO A FINE WHITE POWDER.
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103. THEN WATER, OR FRUIT JUICE
IS ADDED.
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104. AND THE MIXTURE IS SET ASIDE
FOR SEVERAL DAYS.
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105. ON THE LAST DAY,
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106. THE MIXTURE IS POURED
INTO THIS PLASTER MOLD
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107. AND PLACED IN A PIZZA OVEN.
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108. THIS ONE IS IN THE SHAPE
OF THE ARM BONE,
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109. BUT THIS ONE MUST BE DESTROYED
FOR IT IS ONLY
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110. FOR DEMONSTRATION.
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111. SO IF YOU CAN'T SEND IN
YOUR OWN HUMAN BONES,
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112. THINK ABOUT THE ANIMALS
AROUND YOU.
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113. UH, ONE IMPORTANT NOTE,
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114. PLEASE DO NOT SEND IN
SQUIRREL BONES.
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115. AND I AM DEADLY SERIOUS
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116. ABOUT THIS.
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117. IT CAUSES GREAT PROBLEMS,
IT'S COMPLICATED.
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118. DO NOT SEND SQUIRREL BONES.
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119. THANK YOU.
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120. 999,999!
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121. ONE MILLION BONES!
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122. OH, WOW!
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123. WOW, WE DID IT!
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124. WE REALLY DID DO IT.
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125. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH
FOR CALLING IN,
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126. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
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127. THROW THAT NUMBER OUT
BECAUSE WE'RE GOING FOR
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128. FIVE MILLION BONES.
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129. YOU GUYS UP FOR THAT?
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130. WE'RE GONNA RAISE THE STAKES.
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131. CAN WE DO IT?
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132. CONTINUE TO CALL IN
ALL NIGHT.
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133. CALL THE NUMBER RIGHT ON YOUR
SCREEN, SEND US YOUR BONES,
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134. CONTINUE TO HELP RICHARD DUNN.
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135. FOLKS, WE GOT AN AMAZING
SURPRISE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.
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136. I WANNA KICK IT OVER
TO STUDIO B.
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137. JAN AND WAYNE SKYLER.
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138. HIT IT, GUYS!
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139. HELLO, HI!
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140. OH, THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
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141. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH
FOR COMING OUT.
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142. GEEZ, WOW! THIS IS FANTASTIC.
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143. THE REASON WE'RE HERE TONIGHT
IS TO CELEBRATE RICHARD DUNN.
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144. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR
COMING OUT FOR MUSCLES
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145. FOR BONES.
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146. WHAT WE DID, OUR
CONTRIBUTION WAS WE GOT TOGETHER
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147. WITH SOME SONG WRITERS
AND COME UP WITH A HYMN
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148. THAT WE'D LIKE TO SING FOR YOU
RIGHT NOW.
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149. MIKE.
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150. MIKE!
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151. MIKE, CAN YOU PUT
THE MUSIC ON, PLEASE?
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152. YOU KNOW, WAYNE,
IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME TODAY
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153. THAT WE CAN HELP —
EVERYONE OF US, IF WE JUST
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154. GIVE FROM OURSELVES,
FROM OUR OWN BONES,
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155. TO OUR GOOD FRIEND, RICH.
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156. I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU,
JAN. I WANNA DIG DEEP INTO
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157. MYSELF AND GIVE ALL OF MY BONES
TO RICHARD DUNN.
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158. EXCEPT FOR ONE BONE.
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159. THAT'S RIGHT,
'CAUSE THAT BONE'S MINE,
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160. AND I'M GONNA USE IT TONIGHT.
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161. THANK YOU.
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162. COME ON, EVERYBODY!
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163. SORRY ABOUT THE SQUIRREL
BONES, RICHARD.
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164. SORRY ABOUT THE SQUIRRELS,
RICHARD BONES.
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165. HI, RICHARD,
YOU REMIND ME OF PEPPER.
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166. ALL THE TEENAGE GIRLS!
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167. EVERYBODY!
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168. PLEASE SEND ME YOUR BONES
TODAY.
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169. THANK YOU FOR COMING
TO THE SHOW TONIGHT.
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170. THANK YOU GOR COMING
TO THIS EMERGENCY SHOW.
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171. GOOD NIGHT!
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172. THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH.
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173. I'M TIM HEIDECKER
SIGNING OFF.
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174. ERIC WAREHEIM,
GOOD NIGHT!
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