1. >> ♪ OH, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME
♪ SINCE I HAD MY FAVORITE
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2. DRINK ♪
♪ AND I LICK MY LIPS
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3. >> ♪ TIM AND ERIC
♪ AWESOME SHOW
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4. I'M TIM HEIDECKER, AND WELCOME
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5. TO OUR SHOW.
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6. >> Eric: I'M ERIC WAREHEIM.
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7. >> Tim: WELCOME TO OUR SHOW.
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8. >> Eric:
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9. >> GUYS?
GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON?
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10. YOU GOT A SHOW TO DO.
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11. >> Eric: HE MURDERED MY RASCAL.
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12. >> Tim: NO, I DIDN'T.
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13. >> Eric: YOU KILLED MY RASCAL.
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14. >> Tim: NO, I DIDN'T!
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15. >> WELL, WAIT, SOMEBODY SPEAK
FIRST.
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16. TIM.
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17. >> Tim: I WENT OVER TO HIS HOUSE
LAST WEEKEND TO PLAY.
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18. >> OKAY.
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19. >> Tim: AND THEN RASCAL BIT ME
RIGHT ON THE LEG, RIGHT IN THE
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20. ANKLE HERE.
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21. LOOK.
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22. LOOK.
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23. >> Eric: THAT'S JUST YOUR SOCK.
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24. >> Tim: NO, IT'S NOT MY SOCK,
ERIC.
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25. IT'S FROM THE BITE.
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26. >> Eric: HE MURDERED MY RASCAL,
BOB.
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27. >> WAIT.
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28. >> Tim: I WENT OVER TO HIS
HOUSE —
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29. >> Eric: WE WERE BEST FRIENDS.
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30. >> Tim: I WENT OVER TO HIS
HOUSE, AND I PUT HIS RASCAL TO
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31. SLEEP.
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32. I PUT IT TO SLEEP!
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33. I PUT IT TO SLEEP
THAT'S WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE
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34. HAPPENED.
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35. I PUT HIM TO SLEEP.
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36. >> UH, ENOUGH! STOP!
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37. I GOT TO FIX THIS FRIENDSHIP.
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38. >> Both: LET'S DANCE TO JAZZ.
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39. SWING DANCING!
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40. >> HI, I'M ED BEGLEY JR.
I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A
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41. REVOLUTIONARY NEW DEVICE — THE
NEW CINCO-FONE FROM
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42. CINCO-MOBILE.
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43. THE GREAT THING ABOUT THE CINCO
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44. ONE ONLY.
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45. LET'S SAY I WANT TO CALL MY MOM.
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46. PRESS IT ON, OPEN BOTH THE
ANTENNAS FOR BETTER RECEPTION.
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47. AND THE NUMBER — 5-5-5...
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48. FIVE.
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49. FIVE.
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50. 0...
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51. 1...
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52. THEN 9...
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53. AND THEN 9...
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54. AND THEN...
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55. [ HUFFING, POPPING ]
AND THE BEST FEATURE OF THE
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56. CINCO-FONE — YOU CANNOT RECEIVE
CALLS WITH IT.
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57. YOU CAN ONLY MAKE CALLS.
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58. YOU'LL NEVER BE BOTHERED AGAIN
AT WORK, IN YOUR LEISURE TIME
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59. OUT IN THE GOLF COURSE, OR AT
THE BEACH.
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60. >> Tim: YOU.
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61. >> Eric: HOW ARE YOU?
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62. >> Tim:
HOW ARE YOU?
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63. "YOU SMELL LIKE BAD BEEF.
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64. (FARTS)"
IF YOU JUST FILL IN THE L's
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65. THERE FOR ME.
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66. >> Eric: CAN DO.
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67. "GO TO HELL."
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68. >> Tim: ARE WE CLEAR?
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69. >> TIM, ERIC.
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70. >> Tim: HEY, BOB.
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71. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
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72. >> ERIC.
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73. >> Eric: GOOD TO SEE YOU, BOB.
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74. >> GOOD TO SEE YOU.
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75. WHAT ARE OUR CHANCES TODAY OF
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76. COMING TO AN AGREEMENT?
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77. 1 TO 10 — WHAT ARE OUR CHANCES?
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78. >> Tim: UH, FIVE.
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79. >> ONE BEING "DEFINITELY, WE'LL
COME TO AN AGREEMENT, NOT THE
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80. OTHER WAY AROUND."
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81. >> Tim: STILL — WELL, STILL
FIVE.
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82. >> PHEW.
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83. THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE.
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84. TIM.
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85. >> Tim: YEAH?
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86. >> YOU ADMIT THAT YOU KILLED
ERIC'S BEST FRIEND.
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87. JUST SAY THE WORDS.
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88. >> Tim: I KILLED ERIC'S BEST
FRIEND.
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89. >> OKAY, SO, THEN, ERIC, YOU
HAVE TO KILL TIM'S BEST FRIEND.
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90. >> Eric: ALL RIGHT.
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91. >> Tim: NO, I'M SORRY, BOB.
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92. THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
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93. UH, ERIC'S — WELL, ERIC'S MY —
MY BEST FRIEND, SO, UH...
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94. >> ALL RIGHT.
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95. >> Eric: NO, GUYS, NO.
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96. I'M OKAY WITH THAT.
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97. I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF.
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98. I'M GONNA DO IT FOR MY RASCAL.
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99. >> Tim: UH, UM...
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100. >> HEAVY AS HELL, BUT THAT'S A
GOOD THING.
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101. BOUNCE OUT OF YOUR POCKET.
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102. COME ON, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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103. GET THIS WEDGED IN THERE.
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104. THE CINCO-FONE IS SUCH A
POWERFUL PHONE, IT HAS A
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105. TENDENCY TO GET WARM.
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106. BUT THAT'S NEVER A PROBLEM
'CAUSE EACH CINCO-FONE COMES
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107. WITH A TUBE OF COOLING GEL.
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108. MMM.
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109. BOY, THAT SOOTHES.
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110. [ SQUIRT! ]
MM-HMM.
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111. THAT SOOTHES REAL GOOD.
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112. YOU KNOW, YOU COULD PROBABLY DO
GOOD WITH JUST THE GEL AND NOT
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113. THE PHONE, GUYS.
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114. THIS IS SOME... KICK-ASS GEL.
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115. THE BATTERY LASTS UP TO ONE
FULL — AN ENTIRE PHONE CALL.
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116. CINCO-FONE FROM CINCO-MOBILE.
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117. IT'S A GREAT PHONE.
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118. >> Eric: THE TINY DANCER.
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119. SWING DANCING.
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120. >> YOU'RE NOT A PERSON UNLESS
YOU'RE ACTING.
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121. UNDER THE TUTELAGE OF
RANDY TUTELAGE.
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122. WHO...
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123. BAH-STANK.
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124. CHILDHOOD IS A JOKE!
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125. WRITE THAT DOWN.
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126. WRITE THAT DOWN, TOO.
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127. WHAT'S THE INSTRUMENT ON AN
ACTOR'S BODY OR SOUL THAT HELPS
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128. THEM THE MOST?
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129. >> YOUR HEART?
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130. >> WRONG!
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131. ISAAC.
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132. >> HIPBONES?
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133. JAWBONES?
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134. >> DO YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT?
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135. IT'S YOUR NOSE!
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136. WHY IS IT YOUR NOSE?
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137. IT'S BECAUSE YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR
VOICE.
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138. YOU CAN BECOME DIFFERENT
CHARACTERS.
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139. FOR INSTANCE, WHAT DO I DO WHEN
I PRESS MY NOSE?
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140. 'ELLO, GOV!
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141. 'ELLO, GOVERNOR!
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142. 'ELLO, GOVERNOR!
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143. >> All:
'ELLO, GOVERNOR!
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144. >> YE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-S!
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145. UH, DOES
ANYBODY KNOW WHERE I CAN GET ME
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146. SOME ICED TEA?
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147. SEE WHAT I DID
THERE?
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148. I MODIFIED HOW I WAS HOLDING MY
NOSE.
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149. AND IT CHANGED MY VOICE AGAIN.
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150. DOES ANYBODY
KNOW WHERE I CAN GET SOME ICED
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151. TEA?
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152. I GOT CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING AT THE
CHEVY DEALERSHIP.
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153. WHAT HAVE WE
LEARNED TODAY?
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154. YES, SIR, YOU IN THE BACK.
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155. >> THAT YOU CAN BE ANYBODY YOU
WANT IF YOU HOLD YOUR NOSE.
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156. >> I NEVER SAID THAT.
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157. I'LL NEVER SAY THAT.
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158. DON'T YOU EVER — DON'T YOU EVER
SAY THAT AGAIN TO ME.
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159. >> I'M GONNA TAKE A TUBE OF THIS
WITH ME IF I COULD.
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160. YEAH, I'M ALMOST DONE HERE.
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161. NO, THEY HAVEN'T PAID ME YET.
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162. CALL — WELL, CALL ME IN 10
MINUTES.
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163. OH, WAIT, NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
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164. I DON'T THINK YOU CAN RECEIVE
CALLS ON THIS.
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165. WELL, I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
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166. NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
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167. I CAN'T CALL YOU BACK IN 10
MINUTES.
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168. NO, IT'S, LIKE, A ONE-CALL
BATTERY.
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169. AND IT —
I THINK THEY — I DIDN'T SEE A
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170. SECOND BATTERY, AND IT TAKES,
LIKE, TWO HOURS TO CHARGE IT.
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171. WELL, THEN DRIVE OVER HERE IF
IT'S QUICKER.
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172. 'CAUSE I CAN'T WAIT HERE TWO
HOURS.
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173. I CAN'T.
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174. NO, I'M NOT GONNA WAIT HERE TWO
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175. CHARGE.
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176. YEAH, CALL ME BACK.
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177. NO, WAIT, NO, YOU CAN'T CALL...
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178. >> Eric: GOODBYE, MY FRIEND.
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179. I'LL SEE YOU SOON.
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180. >> Tim: ERIC!
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181. STOP! WAIT! DON'T JUMP.
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182. >> Eric: GO BACK.
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183. I'M GONNA DIE.
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184. >> Tim: NO, YOU GOT IT ALL
WRONG.
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185. RASCAL'S STILL ALIVE.
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186. I DIDN'T KILL HIM.
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187. >> Eric: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
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188. >> Tim: LISTEN, I GOT A BIG
SURPRISE FOR YOU, OKAY?
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189. JUST DON'T JUMP.
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190. COME HERE, RASCAL.
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191. COME HERE.
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192. >>
>> ERIC, LOOK, IT'S...
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193. COME HERE.
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194. SEE? LOOK.
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195. >> Eric: THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
MY RASCAL.
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196. OF COURSE IT DOESN'T.
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197. HE'S BETTER.
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198. WHATEVER SHOT I GAVE HIM MADE
HIM LONGER AND TALLER AND
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199. SILLIER.
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200. >> Eric: I DON'T KNOW.
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201. >> ERIC, I LOVE YOU.
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202. >> Eric:
COME HERE, RASCAL.
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203. >>
IS IT WORKING?
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204. >> Tim: IT'S WORKING GREAT.
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205. I THINK YOU CAN SEE THE ZIPPER A
LITTLE BIT, THOUGH.
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206. >> OKAY.
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207. >> Eric: OH!
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208. >> OOH, OOH, OOH!
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209. TIM, IT'S REALLY WORKING.
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210. >> Eric: YOU'RE MAKING A
MOTORBOAT, AREN'T YOU, MY BOY?
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211. OH, GOOD BOY.
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212. THERE YOU ARE.
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213. AAH!
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214. HE BIT ME!
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215. NO, NO, NO, NO!
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216. BAD BOY, BAD, BAD BOY!
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217. NO, NO, NO, NO!
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218. NO, NO, NO, NO!
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219. BAD BOY!
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220. >> Tim: UM, ERIC, UM...
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221. UH, THAT WAS BOB.
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222. >> Eric: YEAH, I KNOW, TIM.
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223. >> Tim: OH, OKAY.
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224. ARE — ARE YOU STILL GONNA JUMP?
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225. >> Eric: YEAH.
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226. WILL YOU JOIN ME?
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227. >> Tim: YEAH.
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