1. JOIN CHANNEL 5 TONIGHT IN
CELEBRATING 100 YEARS OF
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2. JACKIE CHAN.
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3. CONGRATULATIONS, JACKIE CHAN.
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4. UH, I LOVE YOU, JACKIE CHAN,
AND CONGRATULATIONS ON 100
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5. YEARS.
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6. I WANT TO THANK JACKIE CHAN
FOR BEING A WONDERFUL PERFORMER
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7. AND BEING A GREAT ASSET TO THE
ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS.
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8. THANK YOU, JACKIE CHAN.
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9. I LOVE YOUR KARATE.
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10. THANKS, JACKIE!
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11. THANKS FOR ALL THOSE
SPECIAL EFFECTS AND CHOPPING
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12. BRICKS.
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13. AND THANK YOU FOR ALL
YOUR KARATE CHOPS AND COMEDY
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14. MOVIES.
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15. WE THINK YOU'RE GREAT,
JACKIE.
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16. AND I THINK YOU'RE
CUTE.
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17. ALL RIGHT, BABY, YOU
HAVE A GOOD DAY, ALL RIGHT?
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18. I WILL.
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19. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU,
RIGHT?
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20. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
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21. SEE YOU, OKAY?
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22. OKAY.
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23. BYE.
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24. LOVE YOU.
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25. ♪ YEAH
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26. THROUGH THE DOOR ♪
♪ FEEL YOU COMING THROUGH THE
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27. DOOR ♪
♪ GET UP THE STAIRS AND EVEN
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28. THE SCORE ♪
♪ COME ON AND EVEN THE
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29. SCORE ♪
♪ SEXUAL ROMANCE
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30. YAH! HEE!
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31. HYAH! YEAH!
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32. AY, BABY!
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33. IT'S JUST ADULTERY.
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34. THE CATEGORY IS ARTS AND
ENTERTAINMENT.
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35. AND IT'S NOT JACKIE CHAN.
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36. UM... IS IT...
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37. THE GUY FROM CHEERS?
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38. UH, KELSEY GRAMMER!
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39. NOT EVEN CLOSE.
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40. EDGAR ALLEN POE.
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41. WHY CAN'T YOU GET ONE RIGHT?
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42. IT'S NOT JACKIE CHAN, THE
AWARD-WINNING NEW TRIVIA
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43. CHALLENGE FROM CINCO GAMES.
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44. SPEED ROUND.
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45. NAME TEN THINGS THAT AREN'T
JACKIE CHAN.
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46. TOOTHPASTE, PIZZA, LAMPS,
JACKIE CHAN.
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47. GOOD EVENING.
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48. WELCOME TO "ZITS."
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49. I'M TIM HEIDEKER.
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50. WITH ME IS MY GUEST,
ERIC WAREHEIM.
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51. ERIC, THANKS FOR JOINING US.
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52. IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE
HERE.
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53. I'M A BIG FAN OF YOUR SHOW.
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54. NOW, YOU AND I DO A
COMEDY SHOW TOGETHER.
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55. RIGHT.
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56. WE HAVE STILLS FROM THE
SHOW...
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57. WE DO.
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58. WHERE WE CAN SEE BOTH
OF OUR ZITS.
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59. THIS, ACTUALLY, ZIT
BECAME INFECTED EARLY BECAUSE I
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60. TRIED TO ELIMINATE IT BEFORE A
SHOOT.
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61. AND SOMETIMES IT GETS RED, AND
IT BECOMES HUMONGOUS AND
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62. PAINFUL.
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63. NOW, HERE'S ONE OF ME.
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64. I WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS.
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65. THIS IS A CLASSIC WHITEHEAD
SITTING RIGHT UP TOP ON THE
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66. FOREHEAD.
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67. IT'S HUMONGOUS.
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68. YEAH.
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69. A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL ME, "TIM,
IT'S A DIETARY THING, YOU KNOW?
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70. DO YOU EAT CHOCOLATE?"
YES.
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71. "DO YOU DRINK SODA?"
YES.
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72. "DO YOU EAT FATTY
FOODS?"
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73. YES, AND A LOT OF
PEOPLE ASK ME, "ARE YOU EATING
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74. COOKIES LATE AT NIGHT?"
AND I SAY, "OF COURSE I AM."
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75. WHAT'S THE STRANGEST
PLACE YOU'VE HAD A ZIT?
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76. I ACTUALLY ONCE HAD A
ZIT ON THE TIP OF MY NIPPLE, AND
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77. IT KIND OF BALLOONED OUT AND
FORMED A PUS BAG, AND YOU COULD
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78. SEE IT PROTRUDE IN MY SHIRT.
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79. OKAY, POPPER OF PICKER?
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80. DO YOU POP OR DO YOU PICK?
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81. I'M A POPPER.
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82. I ADMIT IT.
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83. SEE, I'M A PICKER.
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84. I PICK.
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85. AND I ACTUALLY — WHEN
I POP IN THE MORNING, I GET
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86. PRETTY CLOSE, AND SOMETIMES AS
A JOKE TO MY WIFE, I JUST
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87. LEAVE THE WHITE.
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88. AS A PICKER, I DON'T
DEAL WITH THE WHITE SO MUCH AS
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89. THE RED.
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90. I GET A LOT OF BLEEDING.
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91. RIGHT.
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92. PEOPLE ARE TELLING ME
NOW THAT THAT'S NOT THE BEST WAY
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93. TO TREAT THE ZIT.
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94. WELL, IF YOU WASHED
YOUR HANDS MORE OFTEN...
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95. I'M ACTUALLY MORE
CONCERNED, WHEN IT COMES TO
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96. WASHING MY HANDS IN THE
BATHROOM — WASHING MY HANDS
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97. BEFORE I PEE, BECAUSE I FEEL
THERE WOULD BE MORE BACTERIA ON
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98. MY HANDS THAN ON MY PENIS.
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99. SO, I'M WORRIED ABOUT, BY
TOUCHING MY PENIS, CREATING
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100. BACTERIA ON MY PENIS,
GETTING ZITS OR PENIS
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101. ZITS.
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102. MY WIFE ASKED ME THIS
WEEKEND, "ERIC, WHY ARE YOU
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103. TURNING OFF THE LIGHTS DURING
SEX?"
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104. IN FACT, I'M HIDING ALL THE ZITS
THAT ARE LIVING AROUND THE BASE
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105. OF MY PENIS.
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106. IT'S ACTUALLY MAKING A FULL
RING.
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107. THE CONSTELLATION OF
STARS DOWN THERE.
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108. INTERESTING.
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109. RIGHT.
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110. WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BEING ON THE SHOW.
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111. IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE,
TIM.
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112. THANK YOU.
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113. I APPRECIATE YOU ACTUALLY
TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT
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114. MATTER AND NOT JUST...
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115. HEY, HONEY, IT'S ME.
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116. PICK UP.
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117. YOU THERE?
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118. LISTEN, I LEFT MY DRIVING HAT
AT HOME, SO I'M SWINGING AROUND
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119. TO PICK IT UP, OKAY?
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120. I'M NOT SURE WHERE YOU ARE OR
WHY YOU AREN'T PICKING UP THE
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121. PHONE.
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122. I JUST LEFT, BUT UM... EITHER
WAY, I'LL SEE YOU IN A COUPLE
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123. MINUTES.
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124. BYE-BYE.
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125. ♪ THE MAN IS COMIN' HOME
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126. YEAH! YEAH!
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127. IT'S A SEXUAL CRIME.
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128. CONGRATULATIONS,
JACKIE CHAN, FOR 100 YEARS OF
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129. ENTERTAINMENT.
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130. HI, UH, WELCOME TO "QUILTING
WITH WILL."
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131. UH, MY NAME IS WILL GRELLO,
AND I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
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132. LYNETTE.
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133. LYNETTE TAUGHT ME HOW TO QUILT
A LONG TIME AGO.
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134. AND I THANK HER FOR IT ALL THE
TIME IN WAYS THAT SHE DOESN'T
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135. EVEN REALIZE SOMETIMES.
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136. T.M.I.
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137. T.M.I., W.I.P. MORE LIKE IT.
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138. ONE MAN'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION
IS ANOTHER MAN'S TOO LITTLE
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139. INFORMATION, T.L.I. AND ONE
OTHER MAN'S J.E.I., JUST ENOUGH
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140. INFORMATION.
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141. THIS IS A BLACK SQUARE THAT
REPRESENTS, UH, WELL, JUST MY
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142. FATHER.
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143. WE, UH, DIDN'T HAVE THE BEST
RELATIONSHIP.
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144. HE LAID A BELT ON ME FROM TIME
TO TIME, AND IT, UH — IT TAUGHT
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145. ME LESSONS, BUT IT ALSO TAUGHT
ME TO HATE.
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146. THIS RIGHT HERE, AS YOU CAN SEE,
THERE'S A BELT.
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147. IT WAS A STUDDED BELT.
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148. THIS IS THE BELT THAT WAS USED.
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149. THIS WAS DURING A PERIOD OF
W.M.B.A.T.T., WETTING MY BED ALL
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150. THE TIME.
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151. AND, YOU KNOW, HOPEFULLY, WHEN I
WRAP THIS QUILT AROUND ME IN MY
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152. COFFIN, THAT WILL BE A LESSON I
WILL HAVE LEARNED.
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153. BUT, YOU KNOW, MUCH LIKE THE
ECONOMICAL PROBLEMS THAT I HAVE
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154. HAD AS AN ADULT, MY FATHER HAD
THE SAME PROBLEMS.
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155. I GUESS I INHERITED THEM FROM
HIM.
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156. HE WOULD JUST GO, "HEY, HEY!
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157. YOU'RE NOT SMILING RIGHT NOW.
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158. YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY ALL THE
TIME!
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159. SMILE!
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160. EAT YOUR CARROTS.
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161. COOK THE DOG!
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162. COOK THE DOG!"
COOK YOUR OWN DOG?
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163. NO CHILD SHOULD BE MADE TO DO
THAT.
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164. DOG SHOULD BE RAW...
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165. AND LIVING.
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166. HI — HI — HI — HI —
HI — HI — HI.
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167. I'M STEVE MAHANAHAN, AND THANK
YOU FOR YOUR STEVE MAHANAHAN'S
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168. CHILD CLOWN RENTAL.
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169. YOU'LL LOVE MY CLOWNS.
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170. YOU CARE FOR MY CLOWNS
LIKE YOU CARE FOR YOUR CHILDREN.
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171. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE
FOLLOWING VIDEO.
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172. IT'LL HELP YOU GET THE MOST OUT
OF YOUR CHILD CLOWNS.
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173. WHEN YOUR CHILD CLOWNS
ARRIVE, THEY MAY NOT WANT TO
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174. COME OUT OF THEIR CARRIER.
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175. IF SHYNESS OCCURS, GENTLY TAP
ON THE CLOWN BOX.
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176. THE CHILD CLOWNS SHOULD LEARN
QUICKLY.
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177. THESE CHILD CLOWNS COME
HUNGRY AS A HORSE!
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178. THE FIRST THING YOUR CHILD
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179. CLOWN WILL LOOK FOR IS FOOD.
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180. CHILD CLOWNS ARE NOT FED IN
THEIR CLOWN BOXES, SO EXPECT
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181. THEM TO ARRIVE VERY HUNGRY.
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182. MY CHILD CLOWNS ARE
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183. BLIND.
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184. THEY'LL EAT ANYTHING.
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185. YOUR CHILD CLOWN MAY BE
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186. RELUCTANT TO PERFORM IN AN
AMUSING FASHION.
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187. WE RECOMMEND STEVE MAHANAHAN'S
CHILD-CLOWN POISON SPRAY.
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188. IT KEEPS 'EM SICK!
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189. BUT NOT TOO SICK.
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190. TOO MUCH POISON, AND YOU'VE GOT
A DEAD CLOWN ON YOUR HANDS.
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191. IT'S USELESS!
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192. OUR CHILD CLOWNS CAN PERFORM
UP TO 12 HOURS AT A TIME.
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193. BUT THEY MIGHT GET TIRED AND
TRY TO REST.
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194. YOU GOT TO KEEP EM
AWAKE!
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195. GO AHEAD, USE MY HORN!
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196. I LOVE THE KICKS, THE KARATE
MOVES YOU MADE SO FAMOUS.
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197. AND IF I HAD ANOTHER FATHER, I
WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU MY
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198. FATHER, 'CAUSE I LOVE THE WAY
YOU WOULD MAKE ME GROW UP.
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199. ALL RIGHT HONEY, HAVE A
GOOD DAY.
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200. OKAY, I WILL.
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201. YOU TOO.
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202. BE HOME AT 5:00 LIKE
USUAL.
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203. OKAY.
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204. OKAY, I LOVE YOU.
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205. I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD
DAY.
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206. I LOVE YOU.
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207. OKAY, BYE-BYE.
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208. BYE.
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209. I MISSED YOU, GIRL.
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210. AAH!
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211. OH, WHOA!
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212. AAH! AAH!
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213. HI, HONEY.
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214. WAIT, PLEASE.
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215. PLEASE, DON'T SHOOT ME.
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216. OH!
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217. OH! OH!
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218. AAAAAH!
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219. ♪ NO, NO, NO, NO
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220. HELLO, 911?
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221. THIS SEXUAL ROMANCE IS OVER.
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