1. OKAY.
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2. HI, I'M JEFF GOLDBLUM.
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3. UH, TUNE IN THIS EVENING TO
CHANNEL 5 FOR THE ENCORE
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4. PRESENTATION OF
"THE JEFF GoldBluMan GROUP."
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5. UH, IT'S A DAZZLING SHOW.
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6. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE MUSIC, THE
DANCE, AND THE PURE GENIUS OF
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7. THIS ONE-OF-A-KIND EVENT THAT I
WROTE.
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8. IT'S A SIZZLER.
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9. PLEASE WATCH.
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10. PUT ERIC WHERE I'M
HERE.
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11. AND THEN ANYTHING FOR THE
PASSWORD?
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12. MAKE SURE YOU GOT SOME
NUMBERS IN IT.
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13. PUT MY DAUGHTER'S
NAME — SUSAN 69.
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14. HI, FRIENDS.
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15. I'M TIM HEIDECKER HERE WITH MY
GOOD FRIEND ERIC WAREHEIM HERE
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16. TO TELL YOU ABOUT AN EXCITING
NEW PRODUCT FROM CINCO
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17. TECHNOLOGY.
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18. THAT'S RIGHT, TIM.
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19. IT'S CALLED THE INNERNETTE, AND
IT'S A FRESH NEW WAY TO CHECK
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20. OUT SITES, BUY CLOTHING, AND
SURF MUSIC, AND IT'S ALL LOCATED
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21. ON THIS TINY CD-ROM.
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22. YOU BET, ERIC.
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23. YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE THING
ABOUT THE INNERNETTE IS THAT
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24. IT'S 100% SECURE.
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25. WAIT A SECOND, TIM.
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26. WHAT ABOUT ALL MY E-WORMS AND MY
E-MAIL VIRUSES?
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27. WELL, ERIC, YOU CAN KISS
YOUR E-VIRUS PROBLEMS GOODBYE.
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28. BECAUSE THE — LET ME HAVE THIS
FOR A SECOND.
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29. JUST LET GO OF IT.
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30. BECAUSE THE ENTIRE INNERNETTE IS
LOCATED ON THIS CD-ROM.
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31. YOU'RE NOT CONNECTED TO
ANYTHING, SO NO ONE CAN CONNECT
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32. TO YOU.
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33. THE INNERNETTE.
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34. THE EASY-TO-USE
INTERACTIVE EXPERIENCE LOCATED
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35. ENTIRELY ON ONE CD-ROM.
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36. NO MORE WIRES TO CONNECT.
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37. NO MORE MONTHLY SERVICE CHARGES.
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38. NO MORE SPAN, INTERNET VIRUSES,
OR E-WORMS.
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39. AND THE INNERNETTE IS SIMPLE TO
INSTALL.
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40. YOU'LL BE SURFING OVER 100 SITES
IN SECONDS.
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41. MUSIC SITES, SHOPPING SITES, AND
INNERNETTE CHAT ALL AT THE TOUCH
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42. OF A BUTTON.
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43. THE INTERNET HAS NEVER BEEN SO
EASY.
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44. THANK YOU.
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45. I WANT MY MOMMY.
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46. OH.
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47. BLUGH!
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48. I MISS MOMMY. I'M SORRY.
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49. AND, UH, HI, POP POP.
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50. THIS IS MAGNIFICENT, JAMES.
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51. WELL, THANK YOU, MOLLY.
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52. LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH
THE COLORS.
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53. SHHHHHHH!
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54. DON'T TELL ANYONE.
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55. IT'S JUST MY PUSSY DOODLES.
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56. NOW THERE'S A BRAND-NEW WAY OF
CREATING AN ARTISTIC MASTERPIECE
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57. USING YOUR CATS.
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58. PUSSY DOODLES!
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59. JUST PLACE YOUR CAT INTO OUR
PATENTED STRAP, PICK YOUR BRUSH,
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60. AND LET YOUR PUSSY GO!
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61. PUSSY DOODLES!
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62. CHOOSE ANY ONE OF OUR PATENTED
STRAPS, SUCH AS THE PICASSO
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63. PUSSY, LADIES' CHOICE, THE
DIARRHEA MACHINE.
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64. PUSSY DOODLES!
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65. AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A CAT, YOU
CAN BUY ONE OF MY OF PUSSY
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66. DOODLE PAINTINGS DIRECTLY, AND
IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY PAINTINGS,
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67. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU.
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68. OH!
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69. PUSSY DOODLES!
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70. Dr. HI, I'M
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71. DR. STEVE BRULE, SPECIAL FOR ON
LIVING ON YOUR LONESOME.
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72. YOU GONNA LIVE ALONE LIKE I DO?
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73. WELL, GUESS WHAT?
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74. THERE'S STUFF YOU CAN DO TO MAKE
IT NOT BE SO AWFUL.
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75. NUMBER ONE, TIP NUMBER ONE,
SPEND A LOT OF YOUR TIME ON
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76. SUNDAY MAKING SANDWICHES FOR THE
REST OF THE WEEK.
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77. THEN YOU'RE PREPARE, YOU TURKEY.
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78. THE SECOND TIP IS GO TO BE
EARLY, YOU DOOFUS!
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79. 'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING,
THERE'S NO LONELY TIMES.
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80. IT'S JUST DREAMS.
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81. YOU CAN MAKE UP YOUR OWN
PUZZLES.
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82. IT'S NOT — IT'S NOT ANY MORE
COMPLICATED THAN THAT.
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83. JUST MAKE UP YOUR OWN PUZZLES.
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84. TAKE A PICTURE YOU LIKE FROM
YOUR STUFF, AND CUT IT INTO
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85. PIECES.
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86. THEN YOU WON'T KNOW HOW THE HECK
TO PUT IT TOGETHER, AND IT'S A
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87. HOMEMADE PUZZLE OF YOURS.
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88. WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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89. TIM, I AM BLOWN AWAY BY
THE INNERNETTE.
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90. AND, YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PART
IS THE SHOPPING ZONE.
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91. TIM, YOU DEFINITELY NEED A NEW
PAIR OF PANTS.
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92. GUILTY AS CHARGED.
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93. OH, COME ON.
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94. LET'S CLICK ON THE
PANTS ZONE.
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95. NOW SELECT COLOR.
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96. WHAT ABOUT PLEATS?
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97. PARACHUTE OR NON-PARACHUTE.
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98. CUFF OR NO CUFF.
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99. NOW YOUR SIZE.
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100. NOW PRINT YOUR ORDER FORM.
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101. AND THEN FAX IT OVER TO CINCO'S
INNERNETTE RECEIVING CENTER.
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102. IT'S SO FUN AND EASY.
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103. WELL, ERIC, YOU KNOW I'M
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104. A MUSIC NUT, OKAY?
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105. AND THAT'S WHY I LOVE THE
INNERNETTE, BECAUSE IT FEATURES
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106. NETTE TUNES.
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107. WITH OVER 100 SONGS AVAILABLE,
IT'S THE PERFECT MUSIC CHOICE
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108. FOR ME.
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109. TIM, LET ME STOP YOU
THERE.
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110. I ALREADY SEE A PROBLEM.
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111. MY WIFE LIKE ROCK MUSIC, AND I
LOVE COUNTRY.
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112. HOW CAN ONE CD-ROM CONTAIN
ENOUGH MUSIC FOR BOTH OF US TO
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113. BE SATISFIED?
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114. I'VE HEARD IT A MILLION
TIMES BEFORE.
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115. THE MUSIC ON THIS CD ALMOST
FEELS LIMITLESS.
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116. YOU'VE GOT ROCK, COUNTRY, FOR
THIS GUY.
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117. GUILTY AS CHARGED.
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118. RAP, AND CHILDREN'S
MUSIC.
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119. TIM, YOU KNOW, MY
DAUGHTER SUSAN LOVES CHILDREN'S
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120. MUSIC.
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121. LET'S LISTEN TO A SAMPLE.
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122. SCENE TWO, TAKE SIX.
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123. USE THE DIALOGUE THAT YOU
WROTE.
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124. PUSSY DOODLE!
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125. HERE ON YOUR MARK ONE, WHERE
IT'S — TAPE IT OFF, YOU GUYS.
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126. RIGHT OVER HERE.
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127. PUT IT ON — NO.
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128. ALL RIGHT. THAT'S GOOD.
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129. START THERE, RIGHT WHERE THAT
BLUE TAPE IS.
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130. WE NEED A FOCUS MARK.
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131. NO.
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132. ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A
GREAT —
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133. THESE PEOPLE ARE
PROFESSIONALS.
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134. AND THEY HAVE TO DO!
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135. ALL RIGHT.
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136. YOU HIRED THEM FOR HALF A
DAY!
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137. YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET A
COMMERCIAL UNLESS YOU START WHAT
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138. I TELL YOU TO DO!
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139. START FROM ONE, SAY THE WORDS
THAT YOU WROTE, AND TALK AND
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140. WALK, AND THEY'LL FOLLOW YOU
WITH THE CAMERA!
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141. GO!
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142. TALK!
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143. I DON'T LIKE COMMERCIALS.
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144. LISTEN, YOU'VE GOT FIVE
MINUTES TO SHOOT THIS
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145. THING!
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146. AND THEN WE HAVE TO LEAVE!
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147. YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO DO IT
PERFECTLY!
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148. STAND THERE! GET THE REAL CAT!
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149. LET'S GO!
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150. I NEED A CHANGE OF CLOTHING.
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151. WE HAVE TO SHOOT THIS LIVE!
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152. GUYS, WE GOT TO GO LIVE!
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153. WE GOT TO GO LIVE!
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154. WE GOT TO CUT IT IN CAMERA!
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155. GO!
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156. THANK YOU.
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157. THAT'S A WONDERFUL PAINTING,
MOLLY.
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158. WE GOT IT! YEAH!
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159. OW!
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160. AAH!
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161. WE GOT IT! WE GOT IT!
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162. WE GOT IT!
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163. THE COMPUTER SHOULD ONLY BE
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164. FOR EDUCATION, HIGH MORALS, AND
BETTERING OUR HUMANITY, NOT FOR
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165. PORNOGRAPHY AND NOT FOR
EXPLOITING WOMEN.
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166. HELLO, EVERYBODY!
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167. WELCOME TO THE "CHANNEL 5 DANCE
PARTY."
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168. I'M PIERRE.
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169. AND WE'RE GONNA GET FREAKY IN
THE HOUSE!
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170. LET'S MEET SOME OF OUR HOT
DANCERS, STARTING OFF WITH
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171. PALMER SCOTT!
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172. CHECK THOSE BUNS, PALMER.
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173. ANETTE SALSMAN!
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174. MMM, I WANT TO TAKE A BITE.
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175. JUDITH GOLDSTEIN.
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176. YEAH!
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177. OOH, MAMA.
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178. JOSEPH SATRIANO.
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179. WONDER IF THAT MAN HAS ANY
CHILDREN.
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180. I'D WRITE HIM AND SEND HIM LEGS
IF HE WAS A DAD.
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181. WHO'S THAT BALD MAN?
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182. OH, THAT'S JUST BEN HUR.
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183. HEY, MAN, HOW ARE THE KIDS?
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184. I RECOGNIZE THAT WOMAN.
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185. THAT'S CASEY'S MOM.
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186. I GOT HER PREGNANT ONCE.
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187. ALL I WANT TO DO IS DANCE
AND
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188. LET'S TRY SOME SAD DAD DANCING.
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189. LET'S TRY SOME SAD DAD DANCING.
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190. OW, MY ANKLE!
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191. DRAG HIM OUT.
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192. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
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193. OH, I'M JUST CHATTING
WITH ONE OF MY FRIENDS HERE.
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194. BUT YOU'RE NOT
CONNECTED TO THE WEB.
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195. HOW IS THIS WORKING?
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196. THE INNERNETTE OFFERS ME
UP TO FIVE UNIQUE AVATARS THAT I
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197. CAN CHAT WITH VIRTUALLY ANY TIME
OF DAY.
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198. WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
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199. WELL, THIS IS PROFESSOR
HINSLEY.
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200. DO YOU THINK I COULD
ASK HIM A QUESTION?
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201. FIRE AWAY.
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202. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
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203. HE SAYS "FINE."
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204. INNERNETTE.
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205. INNERNETTE.
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