1. Edgar!Copy !req
2. What did he die of?Copy !req
3. The same thing
our Church is going to die of.Copy !req
4. Old age.Copy !req
5. et apostolicae fidei cultoribus.Copy !req
6. What is it about that statuette
that you find so sensual?Copy !req
7. I'd prefer not to delve into my psyche.Copy !req
8. Holy Father, donations have declined.Copy !req
9. Revenues from religious taxesCopy !req
10. which our bishops and dioceses
depend on for their survivalCopy !req
11. have declined.Copy !req
12. Tourist visits
to the Vatican have declinedCopy !req
13. greatly reducing the influx
of funds to Vatican City.Copy !req
14. There is not much
that the Vatican Bank can do.Copy !req
15. Our days of free willing
finances are over.Copy !req
16. Changes in banking regulations
mean that our hands are now tied.Copy !req
17. If we continue on this courseCopy !req
18. we'll be forced to start selling
off our artistic patrimonyCopy !req
19. simply to survive.Copy !req
20. The faithful will return.Copy !req
21. It's a natural cycle.Copy !req
22. For now, the faithful
are not returning.Copy !req
23. And small but dangerous enclaves
of Catholic fundamentalismCopy !req
24. are starting to spring up,
just like in Islam.Copy !req
25. Islam has more followers
than the Catholic Church.Copy !req
26. Don't you find it a burden
to take on the responsibilityCopy !req
27. of such risky
and unpopular decisions?Copy !req
28. No.Copy !req
29. Your Holiness, who are you, really?Copy !req
30. Pushing. Pushing, OK.Copy !req
31. OK, Esther.Copy !req
32. OK, Esther.Copy !req
33. Push more.Copy !req
34. Push.
Very good, Very good.Copy !req
35. OK, Esther, OK, OK, OK.Copy !req
36. Keep pushing, keep pushing now.Copy !req
37. OK.Copy !req
38. OK, OK.Copy !req
39. Flowers!Copy !req
40. This is for the baby.Copy !req
41. You shouldn't have, Holy Father.Copy !req
42. It's a Bible that belonged to
Thomas JeffersonCopy !req
43. the President of the United StatesCopy !req
44. but it's like new,
he never opened it.Copy !req
45. We certainly can't blame Jefferson,
the Bible isn't light reading.Copy !req
46. We named him Pius.Copy !req
47. A name for a bird.Copy !req
48. He'll fly high!Copy !req
49. Do you want to hold him,
Your Holiness?Copy !req
50. That really would be
an unusual experience for me.Copy !req
51. And for Peter and I
it would be an honor.Copy !req
52. Pleasure to make your acquaintance,
Mr. Pius XIV.Copy !req
53. It's a pity we can't remember
what we smelled likeCopy !req
54. when we were babies.Copy !req
55. I do remember
what my parents smelled like.Copy !req
56. He takes after you.Copy !req
57. But if you look closely,
he also takes a little...Copy !req
58. No.
He's a very good-looking baby.Copy !req
59. He resembles his mother.Copy !req
60. Holy Father.Copy !req
61. Forgive me. I'm such a fool.Copy !req
62. My hands only know
how to bless people.Copy !req
63. It's all right Holy Father,
nothing happened.Copy !req
64. I'm such an idiot.Copy !req
65. We all have to get used
to new things, Holy Father.Copy !req
66. Nothing happened.Copy !req
67. Yes, yes you're right, Peter.Copy !req
68. Valente, was there something you
wanted to tell me?Copy !req
69. Holy Father, the Italian Prime Minister
is waiting for you in the Vatican.Copy !req
70. Yes, of course,
it had slipped my mind.Copy !req
71. Esther, I must go.Copy !req
72. In my head,
I'll be at this audienceCopy !req
73. but in my heart
I'll never have left this room.Copy !req
74. It's surprising to see
how a young womanCopy !req
75. just moments after having a child,
can be transformed into a mother.Copy !req
76. Are you asleep, Holy Father?Copy !req
77. No, Mr. Prime Minister.
I'm praying for youCopy !req
78. That's very thoughtful of you.Copy !req
79. And thanks very much
for giving me this audienceCopy !req
80. after just nine months.Copy !req
81. I didn't think you'd be running
the Country this long.Copy !req
82. I said to myself: why bother?Copy !req
83. But I was wrong.Copy !req
84. Well...Copy !req
85. how is this Italy of ours doing?Copy !req
86. Much better, thanks to me.Copy !req
87. You think so?
- Yes.Copy !req
88. I think just the opposite.Copy !req
89. You want it to do "much better"Copy !req
90. perhaps you should keep firmly
in mind this list of requests.Copy !req
91. I jotted it down in a hurry
just a few minutes ago.Copy !req
92. If there's anything I've left off,
I can certainly add it to the list.Copy !req
93. I'll make sure you receive
it promptly.Copy !req
94. " Greater assistance
to Catholic familiesCopy !req
95. no to common law marriages.Copy !req
96. Mmm.Copy !req
97. No to gay marriages
- Mmm.Copy !req
98. more money to Catholic schoolsCopy !req
99. further tax and banking benefits
to the Holy See.Copy !req
100. Absolute prohibition
of abortion in all cases.Copy !req
101. Absolute prohibition
of divorce in all cases.Copy !req
102. No to any temptation
to accept euthanasiaCopy !req
103. restrictions
on the religious freedomCopy !req
104. of Muslims and Hindus.Copy !req
105. Mmm.Copy !req
106. A reopening of discussions
on the Lateran Pacts.Copy !req
107. A full review of the territorial
boundaries of the Vatican State."Copy !req
108. This last request really is
remarkable, I have to admit.Copy !req
109. I didn't know that you had
expansionistic ambitions.Copy !req
110. But I was told before coming that
this new Pope is a very funny man.Copy !req
111. But did they forget to inform you
that this new PopeCopy !req
112. was a man far more
intelligent than you?Copy !req
113. No. Because it isn't true.Copy !req
114. Do you know what the difference is
between me and you, Holy Father?Copy !req
115. Let's hear.Copy !req
116. The difference is that I was
elected with 41% of the votes.Copy !req
117. That 41% exists.Copy !req
118. You were elected by God.Copy !req
119. And it's not a sure thing
that God exists.Copy !req
120. Fine!Copy !req
121. There's another element worthy
of your consideration:Copy !req
122. just in case God
does happen to existCopy !req
123. do you know how long
it would take Him to wipeCopy !req
124. that 41% off the face of the earth?Copy !req
125. And where will God eradicate
that 41%?Copy !req
126. At the polls in the next election?Copy !req
127. Or in their homes
while they're watching TV?Copy !req
128. Or perhaps in their sleep!Copy !req
129. At the polls in the next election.Copy !req
130. And what's more:
I, as the vicar of ChristCopy !req
131. would be happy to help God
eradicate that 41%.Copy !req
132. And if you don't stop playing the idiotCopy !req
133. I'm gonna be forced to prove to you
that God does exist.Copy !req
134. Let me explain something to you, Holy Father.
- Please.Copy !req
135. Your demands might have
some basis in factCopy !req
136. at any other point in history.Copy !req
137. At a point in history
when the Church was strongerCopy !req
138. than it is right nowCopy !req
139. the Italian political equation
would have been obligedCopy !req
140. to take your demands
under serious consideration.Copy !req
141. The way it always has in the past.Copy !req
142. But nowCopy !req
143. let us briefly analyze
your Papacy, Holy Father.Copy !req
144. In the past nine months you have
never shown yourselfCopy !req
145. to the faithful.Copy !req
146. You have not recited a single
Angelus in St. Peter's SquareCopy !req
147. you have not communicated
with anyoneCopy !req
148. you have simply retreated
into your palace on the hillCopy !req
149. and you have threatened
and terrorized the faithfulCopy !req
150. through your terse
and telegraphic communiquésCopy !req
151. in L'Osservatore Vaticano, with
obscurantist and retrograde theses.Copy !req
152. The result has been thatCopy !req
153. according to a number
of highly respected studiesCopy !req
154. Italian Catholics have turned away
from the Church en masse.Copy !req
155. This new development not only
allows me to ignore your requestsCopy !req
156. but it gives me
an even greater opportunity:Copy !req
157. finally to modernize Italy.Copy !req
158. Without fear of retaliation or the risk
of losing support among votersCopy !req
159. I can review the colossal fraudCopy !req
160. of the eight per thousand
Church taxCopy !req
161. finally imposing punitive
taxes on the dioceses.Copy !req
162. And, most important of allCopy !req
163. I can finally free the country
from the pork barrelsCopy !req
164. stumbling blocks, and vetoes
of the Holy Roman ChurchCopy !req
165. in the areas of euthanasia,
common law marriagesCopy !req
166. gay couples, abortion,
scientific research.Copy !req
167. To cut a long story short,
Holy FatherCopy !req
168. thanks to you
I can start a revolution.Copy !req
169. A very persuasive speech.Copy !req
170. I'm glad we're finally beginning
to talk sense.Copy !req
171. Persuasive and stupidCopy !req
172. I might add, like every
politicians' speech.Copy !req
173. And what's more, unrealizable.Copy !req
174. Unrealizable?
- Hmm.Copy !req
175. We shall see about that!Copy !req
176. Now, if you'd care to listen to meCopy !req
177. I'll show you that God existsCopy !req
178. and how God and I can annihilate
that 41% of the populationCopy !req
179. that makes you feel so cheerful
and full of yourself.Copy !req
180. I am very eager to hear what you
have to say, Holy Father.Copy !req
181. I'm glad.Copy !req
182. You see, Mr. Prime MinisterCopy !req
183. in the Sixties the young people
that protested in the streetsCopy !req
184. spouted all kind of heresiesCopy !req
185. all except one:Copy !req
186. power to the imagination.Copy !req
187. In that, they were correct.Copy !req
188. The only problem was they had
no imagination.Copy !req
189. And neither do you.Copy !req
190. But God and I have plenty.Copy !req
191. God and I are simply dripping
with imagination.Copy !req
192. Now, just try and imagine
something with me:Copy !req
193. Hmm?
- Hmm.Copy !req
194. in six months, Italy will hold
the general electionCopy !req
195. and you will try to maintain
or increaseCopy !req
196. your 41% share of the electorate.Copy !req
197. And right now everything indeedCopy !req
198. points to your ability
to maintain that 41%.Copy !req
199. Yeah.Copy !req
200. But just imagineCopy !req
201. a few weeks before the election,
there comes an announcement.Copy !req
202. Pope Pius XIII has decided
to appear in publicCopy !req
203. for the very first time.Copy !req
204. To talk to the Italian Catholics.Copy !req
205. What morbid curiosity!Copy !req
206. The whole world
is dying of curiosity.Copy !req
207. And it is absolutely
to be expectedCopy !req
208. it's normal, we all want to see
that which is hiddenCopy !req
209. we all want to stare
the forbidden in the face.Copy !req
210. Pius XIII appears and so
do his beautiful blue-eyes...Copy !req
211. and this soft, round mouth.Copy !req
212. A dazzling imageCopy !req
213. so dazzling it blinds people.Copy !req
214. In other words, a powerful,
an evocative imageCopy !req
215. not unlike that of Christ.Copy !req
216. But Pius XIII
doesn't merely dazzleCopy !req
217. he offers reassurance as well.Copy !req
218. With a magnificent speech,
full of quotations in LatinCopy !req
219. it tells them that they,
the faithful, must not be afraid.Copy !req
220. And why would they be afraid,
with a Pope as handsomeCopy !req
221. and reassuring as Christ?Copy !req
222. Last of all, just a few short
weeks before the electionsCopy !req
223. the Pope says just two words:Copy !req
224. "non expedit".Copy !req
225. Do you know what that means?
- No.Copy !req
226. No, of course you don't.
You're far too young.Copy !req
227. The "non expedit" was first issued
by Pius IX in 1868.Copy !req
228. It was eliminated by Benedict XV
in 1919Copy !req
229. but guess what I can do?Copy !req
230. What I, who am not answerable
to 41% of the ItaliansCopy !req
231. but only to God who, by the way,
does not express His displeasureCopy !req
232. on social network
if I make a mistake.Copy !req
233. Guess what I can do?Copy !req
234. I can restore the "non expedit".Copy !req
235. The Catholics will all rush
to Google those words.Copy !req
236. What do they mean?Copy !req
237. The "non expedit" means
that the Holy FatherCopy !req
238. decrees it is unacceptable
for CatholicsCopy !req
239. to vote in the Italian elections.Copy !req
240. And do you know what the surveys
that you have commissioned tell us?Copy !req
241. They tell us that the number
of Italians who identify themselvesCopy !req
242. as Catholics are 87.8%
of the population.Copy !req
243. Now you may say to me:Copy !req
244. they could simply disobey you.Copy !req
245. True.Copy !req
246. But while a Catholic
might disobey the PopeCopy !req
247. they'd never disobey Christ.Copy !req
248. I'm already the formerCopy !req
249. but believe me, if I want toCopy !req
250. I can have myself accredited
as the latter as wellCopy !req
251. and when I do,
you'll lose your election.Copy !req
252. Here's how it works:Copy !req
253. since you get 31% of your votes
from the Catholic electorateCopy !req
254. you'd wind up with
a mere 10%.Copy !req
255. I wouldn't be so sure
of those numbers, if I were you.Copy !req
256. Mr. Prime MinisterCopy !req
257. take a look in this mirror.Copy !req
258. What do you see?Copy !req
259. Two young men.Copy !req
260. One of whom is dressed
in a slightly odd style.Copy !req
261. I, on the other hand,
see two media events.Copy !req
262. One has already taken place,
that's you.Copy !req
263. The other is about to happen.Copy !req
264. Now, having set outCopy !req
265. to prove to you
the existence of GodCopy !req
266. I believe I'm done.Copy !req
267. But in that case, why...Copy !req
268. why haven't you appeared
in public yet?Copy !req
269. Because...Copy !req
270. there's still no need.Copy !req
271. Holy Father, would you like me
to see what I can doCopy !req
272. to mend the relations
with the Italian Government?Copy !req
273. - He's bluffing.
- Who?Copy !req
274. The young man in a hurry
speaking on TV right now.Copy !req
275. He's selling smoke and mirrors.Copy !req
276. He won't do a thing he says.Copy !req
277. Holy Father,
I've read the draft billsCopy !req
278. that have already been approved
by the various commissions.Copy !req
279. These people are deadly serious.Copy !req
280. The revision of the eight
per thousand Church taxCopy !req
281. would threaten the survival
of the Italian bishops.Copy !req
282. Would that be such a bad thing?Copy !req
283. What do we care?
You and I are the Holy See.Copy !req
284. The Italian bishops
can take care of themselves.Copy !req
285. Holy Father, I beg you,
this is no laughing matter.Copy !req
286. Rest easy, he's bluffing.Copy !req
287. Holy Father, believe me,
political awarenessCopy !req
288. is an archetypal emotion
for the Secretary of State.Copy !req
289. Soccer mania is an archetypal
emotion for the Secretary of State.Copy !req
290. I want to let you know that I've
been working hard on something new.Copy !req
291. On what?Copy !req
292. A measure forbidding priests
from giving absolutionCopy !req
293. in the confessional
to women who have had abortions.Copy !req
294. Its a kind of soft,
disguised form of excommunication.Copy !req
295. Holy Father, we will wake up
and find the women of the worldCopy !req
296. led by the Femen,
rushing the walls of the VaticanCopy !req
297. hammers in hand,
bent on destruction.Copy !req
298. Fine. We'll rebuild those walls,
taller and finer.Copy !req
299. Old and unreliable Rorschach tests.Copy !req
300. Orders to investigate intrusively
into the past of aspiring priests.Copy !req
301. Young men paid bounties
to lure those aspiring priestsCopy !req
302. into compromising sexual situationsCopy !req
303. as soon as they're allowed
out into the world.Copy !req
304. That's what I read in the directive
I found on my desk this morningCopy !req
305. drawn up by who knows what renegade
underling while I was in Honduras.Copy !req
306. Drawn up by me!Copy !req
307. Every candidate for priesthood
takes a vow of chastity.Copy !req
308. Their sexual predilections
are irrelevant.Copy !req
309. Every candidate for priesthoodCopy !req
310. takes a vow of chastity
and none of them respect it.Copy !req
311. That's the truth.Copy !req
312. Well, I'm telling you no.Copy !req
313. Lenny, I'm not okay with this.Copy !req
314. I didn't go looking for my parents.Copy !req
315. Instead, I went back to the orphanage,Copy !req
316. in order to be with my friend
Andrew DussolierCopy !req
317. who was all I had left
in the world.Copy !req
318. That was the beginning.Copy !req
319. You owe me, as a friend,
and as a man of the clothCopy !req
320. who acknowledges my authority,
you must do what I ask.Copy !req
321. Here you are: Sanchez Angelo.Copy !req
322. My superiors have determined
that you are neither suited forCopy !req
323. nor worthy of the priesthood.Copy !req
324. You are prohibited from requesting
admission to a seminaryCopy !req
325. in your home diocese
or in any other, for seven years.Copy !req
326. Why?Copy !req
327. Put in simpler terms,
the sexual disturbances afflicting youCopy !req
328. are unacceptable
in terms of our standards.Copy !req
329. What do you want?Copy !req
330. Your resignation.Copy !req
331. Otherwise...Copy !req
332. our order will threaten a schism.Copy !req
333. A schism?Copy !req
334. Just try it.Copy !req
335. I'll strip you of all you have.Copy !req
336. Everything.Copy !req
337. Your beds, your tunics,
your underpantsCopy !req
338. all those wonderful monasteries
you have in the most wonderfulCopy !req
339. loveliest places on earth.Copy !req
340. Because all that belongs to me.Copy !req
341. Are you ready to live on the streets?
Like St. Francis of Assisi?Copy !req
342. Are you ready to sleep
on the groundCopy !req
343. kicked and spat upon by junkies,
and homeless people, and drunks?Copy !req
344. I'm ready to wage a war
without end against you.Copy !req
345. Are you ready to wage that warCopy !req
346. armed with nothing
but bottomless poverty?Copy !req
347. I didn't think so.Copy !req
348. And in that case,
stop talking bullshitCopy !req
349. and get yourselves some shoesCopy !req
350. because the air
in here is unbreathable.Copy !req
351. Cardinal DussolierCopy !req
352. I know you,
but you don't know me.Copy !req
353. I'm Contessa Emma Meraviglia,
the wife of General Meraviglia.Copy !req
354. You know, I don't like seeing you
all on your own.Copy !req
355. I'm accustomed to it, signora.Copy !req
356. That's a bad custom to get into.Copy !req
357. My girlfriends would compete
to keep you company.Copy !req
358. And so would I.Copy !req
359. In any case, my husband and I
will be hosting a partyCopy !req
360. Thursday at our villa.Copy !req
361. If you're at loose ends,
please come.Copy !req
362. It would be an honor
for my husband and me.Copy !req
363. OK, thank you.
I'll keep it in mind.Copy !req
364. Bye.Copy !req
365. My name is Angelo Sanchez.Copy !req
366. I was born in Alicante
into a family of manual laborersCopy !req
367. and I am not a homosexual.Copy !req
368. I had such a simple dream:
to serve God.Copy !req
369. You murdered my dream.Copy !req
370. You are nothing more
than a patheticCopy !req
371. miserable, cowardly murderer.Copy !req
372. I could have been
an excellent priest.Copy !req
373. Yeah, you could have.Copy !req
374. I want to go home.Copy !req
375. What do you mean, home?Copy !req
376. We're both orphans.Copy !req
377. You too?
- Me too.Copy !req
378. I was abandoned by my parents
when I was just three years old.Copy !req
379. Children are so lovely
when they are three years of age.Copy !req
380. How can anyone abandon
a three year old?Copy !req
381. Where do you find the nerve?Copy !req
382. I never knew you were an orphan, too.Copy !req
383. Well... now you know.Copy !req
384. Does Lenny know?
- No.Copy !req
385. And he never will.Copy !req
386. Why not?Copy !req
387. Because...Copy !req
388. you don't steal
the stage from the Pope.Copy !req
389. And you don't interfere
with his sorrow.Copy !req