1. Give it up, Mulder!
You've got no chance!Copy !req
2. - Damn it.
- My sniper zombies are everywhere.Copy !req
3. I'll offer you a deal.Copy !req
4. You give me the Lazarus bowl
and I'll give you Scully.Copy !req
5. Mulder!Copy !req
6. How about this deal?Copy !req
7. You give me Scully, I don't smash the bowlCopy !req
8. and shove the pieces
where the Son of God don't shine.Copy !req
9. You cigarette-smoking mackerel snapper.Copy !req
10. I break the Lazarus bowl
and all your sniper zombiesCopy !req
11. go back to being
good little well-behaved corpses.Copy !req
12. You don't fool me, Mulder
That bowl is your Holy Grail.Copy !req
13. Encoded in its ancient ceramic grooves
are the words Jesus spakeCopy !req
14. when he raised Lazarus from the dead.Copy !req
15. Still capable of
raising the dead 2, 000 years later.Copy !req
16. Proof positive of the paranormal.Copy !req
17. You could no sooner destroy that
than let the redhead die.Copy !req
18. Come on, man. Don't break the bowl.Copy !req
19. We don't wanna go back to being dead.Copy !req
20. There's no food,
no women, no dancing.Copy !req
21. Save the bowl. Then we'll dump
that ciggy-smoking stooge for you.Copy !req
22. And you'll be the new king of the dead.Copy !req
23. I'd rather serve in heaven than rule in hell.Copy !req
24. Is that your flashlight, Mulder, or are you
just happy to be lying on top of me?Copy !req
25. Oh, that.Copy !req
26. For seven long years We been waiting
for the right moment, Scully.Copy !req
27. Oh, you're a sick man, Mulder Go on.Copy !req
28. I love you, Scully.Copy !req
29. - No ifs, ands, or...
- Bees.Copy !req
30. Yesterday, a bomb ripped through
the crypt of Christ's Church here in DC.Copy !req
31. There were no casualties, no thefts,
no note making any demand.Copy !req
32. - Who's taking credit for it?
- Nobody.Copy !req
33. She, Jodie Fosters foster child
on a payless budget.Copy !req
34. He's like a Jehovah's witness
meets Harrison Ford's Witness.Copy !req
35. Uh. Christ's Church.
Isn't that Cardinal O'Fallon's church?Copy !req
36. O'Fallon's residence
is adjacent to the crypt.Copy !req
37. - Who's Cardinal O'Fallon?
- Cardinal O'Fallen, perhaps.Copy !req
38. He's one of the most powerful men
in the church today.Copy !req
39. His name often comes up as a possibility
for the first American Pope.Copy !req
40. Oh.Copy !req
41. I don't want to be myopic here, sir, but this
looks like a terrorist act for the ATF.Copy !req
42. Myopic.Copy !req
43. - Yes, it does.
- Are you gonna answer your phone?Copy !req
44. Me? I didn't wanna be rude.Copy !req
45. - So who the hell is this guy?
- Wayne Federman. An old buddy of mine.Copy !req
46. He's a writer in Hollywood
and he's working on an FBI-based movie.Copy !req
47. He's asked me to give him access.Copy !req
48. - A screenwriter?
- It's actually as a writer-slash-producer.Copy !req
49. He looks actually just a
hindrance-slash-pain in the neck.Copy !req
50. Agent Mulder, I don't wanna eat your lunch.
I'm just here for some procedural flavour.Copy !req
51. I've no idea what you've just said.Copy !req
52. Well, the Skin Man's
tilled me in on your particular bent.Copy !req
53. He said that you come at things maybe
a little fahkatke, a little Star Trekkie.Copy !req
54. Which is the exact vibe I'm looking for.Copy !req
55. It's a Silence of the Lambs meets
Greatest Story Ever Told type thing.Copy !req
56. It's beautiful and I will not be in your way.Copy !req
57. I'll be strictly Heisenbergian.Copy !req
58. A hologram.Copy !req
59. Mr Federman will accompany you to
Christ Church. He will act as an observer.Copy !req
60. You will extend to him every courtesy
and protection you would a friend of mine.Copy !req
61. Agent Scully, I require
your services here for the morning.Copy !req
62. Sir, have I pissed you off
in a way that's more than normal?Copy !req
63. I'm just curious if she's more than
your partner. Hey, whatever.Copy !req
64. Cardinal O'Fallon, can you think of anyone
who might make an attempt on your life?Copy !req
65. The Church always has enemies,
Agent Mulder.Copy !req
66. The size of the bomb would have
limited its destruction to the crypt.Copy !req
67. - Is there anything there worth targeting?
- Not really.Copy !req
68. Just some old bones, artifacts, relics,Copy !req
69. documents that we store
down there in the cold.Copy !req
70. I like to think of it as God's refrigerator.Copy !req
71. - That's a great line.
- Thank you.Copy !req
72. - God's refrigerator.
- Wayne, shut up.Copy !req
73. No treasures to the outside world.Copy !req
74. Things of negligible monetary value,Copy !req
75. but great spiritual value to the Church.Copy !req
76. Ancient devotional texts,
medieval relics.Copy !req
77. How about the shroud of Turin?Copy !req
78. No, afraid not.Copy !req
79. But we do have the bathrobe of St Peter.Copy !req
80. - You're kidding?
- Yes, I am.Copy !req
81. - That's a good line.
- Wayne. Shut up.Copy !req
82. Who comes down to the crypt here?Copy !req
83. Only myself.Copy !req
84. We have half a mile of catacombs here.Copy !req
85. I like to walk here during lunch.Copy !req
86. That's where the bomb went off.Copy !req
87. Well, my instinct, is to see this desecration
of the dead less as a murder attemptCopy !req
88. and more as a terrorist act.Copy !req
89. A message...Copy !req
90. Uh, this isn't me. I think it's you.Copy !req
91. Excuse me.Copy !req
92. - That's... that's not me.
- Let me check.Copy !req
93. Not me.Copy !req
94. We never get reception here.Copy !req
95. Would that be
St Jude's cellphone, Cardinal?Copy !req
96. No.Copy !req
97. That's Micah Hoffman.Copy !req
98. Micah Hoffman,
Willie Mays and Frank Serpico,Copy !req
99. that's my holy trinity, Scully.Copy !req
100. Of course, I'm too young to remember,
but wasn't he a '60s campus radicalCopy !req
101. like a Jerry Ruben or a Mario Savio?Copy !req
102. Name a '60s counterculture movement,
and Hoffman was at or near the center of it.Copy !req
103. He was one of the original Weathermen.
He was the first yippie.Copy !req
104. He was a better poet that Ginsberg and
the starting shortstop for his baseball team.Copy !req
105. Then in the '70s, didn't he go
real low profile?Copy !req
106. Right after Altamont.
He was never heard from again.Copy !req
107. The Stones get blamed
for everything. I don't get it.Copy !req
108. This should be it, here.Copy !req
109. - What did Skinner want you for?
- Just paperwork.Copy !req
110. Mm. Hm-hm.Copy !req
111. - Mulder, we should have a warrant.
- Hey, it's only the Constitution. No big deal.Copy !req
112. - Wow.
- Dis-feng shui.Copy !req
113. Sorry to denigrate a third of your trinity,Copy !req
114. but it looks like Hoffman
was killed by one of his own bombs.Copy !req
115. Well, from dharma bum to dharma bomb.Copy !req
116. I knew Hoffman was a master potter.Copy !req
117. It appears he was
a master calligrapher as well.Copy !req
118. Look, Mulder, we've got gurn arabic
and sodium hydroxide here.Copy !req
119. Ooof. These would be used to age
the ink and the paper prematurely.Copy !req
120. It's a forger's trick.Copy !req
121. Well, from counterculture to counterfeiter.Copy !req
122. All right, one more pun
and I pull out my gun.Copy !req
123. Scully, look at that. "Christos". Looks like
a religious text. Can you read Greek at all?Copy !req
124. Well, it's pretty rusty.Copy !req
125. But it looks like some kind of lost Gospel.Copy !req
126. A Gospel of Mary Magdalene.Copy !req
127. And an account of Christ's
life on earth after the Resurrection.Copy !req
128. - After?
- Yeah. It's a heretical text, Mulder.Copy !req
129. Mythical, but long rumoured
to be in existence.Copy !req
130. What would Hoffman be doing
with heretical religious texts?Copy !req
131. The question is what would
he be doing forging them?Copy !req
132. I think the real question is what might
O'Fallon be doing with Hoffman's forgeries?Copy !req
133. You don't need a Weatherman to know
which way the wind blows. Don't shoot.Copy !req
134. I like the way you guys work.
No warrants, no permission, no research.Copy !req
135. You're like studio executives with guns.Copy !req
136. Should I call you Agent Mulder
or Mr Mulder?Copy !req
137. Or, like, do you have a nickname?Copy !req
138. Shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
139. Like Skin Man?Copy !req
140. - Just ignore me.
- What's that?Copy !req
141. It looks like the same Gospel of Mary
Scully ID'd over at Hoffman's place.Copy !req
142. So, is this a forgery or is this the real thing?Copy !req
143. There is no real gospel of Mary, Federman.
The original would be a fake.Copy !req
144. All right, so it this a real fake or a fake fake?Copy !req
145. It's me,Copy !req
146. I can hear you.Copy !req
147. It's just your voice is... It's like
a crackly sound and then I hear a syllable.Copy !req
148. Stop yelling. Yelling isn't
helping the situation. Just talk.Copy !req
149. You're breaking up.Copy !req
150. No. Let me call you back. OK.Copy !req
151. Yeah, I'm telling you.
I'm going through a crypt.Copy !req
152. Oh!Copy !req
153. Wow.Copy !req
154. Oh, my God.Copy !req
155. Now, Wayne, I'm sure
that it was dark in there,Copy !req
156. and that your eyes were playing tricks
on you.Copy !req
157. And you've been influenced
by ghost stories and horror moviesCopy !req
158. that take place in crypts and graveyards.Copy !req
159. And you hallucinated this vision
of these dancing bonesCopy !req
160. trying to reconstruct this bowl.Copy !req
161. No, I didn't hallucinate.
That was mechanical or CGI.Copy !req
162. Federman, that wasn't a movie.
That was real life.Copy !req
163. The difference being?Copy !req
164. Well, I have got my flavour here.Copy !req
165. So, I appreciate all your help.
I've got a movie to write.Copy !req
166. You don't want to get to the bottom of this?Copy !req
167. Not especially.Copy !req
168. Well, you know, sometimes truth
can be stranger than fiction.Copy !req
169. Well, fiction is quicker than truth
and cheaper.Copy !req
170. You want my advice? You're both crazy.Copy !req
171. Why do you say that?Copy !req
172. You're crazy for believing
what you believe.Copy !req
173. And you're crazy for
not believing what he believes.Copy !req
174. I'll leave you with that. Thank you.Copy !req
175. I miss him already.Copy !req
176. I know that Federman's BS-ing you.Copy !req
177. So I'm really hesitant to mention this.Copy !req
178. But... um, his story reminds me
of the Lazarus bowl.Copy !req
179. - The Lazarus bowl?
- We had this wacky nun in Catholic school.Copy !req
180. We called her Sister Spooky,
cos she told us scary stories.Copy !req
181. Twisted Sister.
That's my kind of nun, you knowCopy !req
182. She'd hold up an old
piece of wood with a rusty nail in itCopy !req
183. and say "This is a piece of the cross
that Christ's wrist was nailed to."Copy !req
184. Or she'd show us a vial of red liquid and
say that it was John the Baptist's blood.Copy !req
185. She'd be in prison today. You realize that?Copy !req
186. Well, she'd tell the story of when
Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.Copy !req
187. And she said that there was this old woman
who was Lazarus' aunt or something...Copy !req
188. - Lazarus' aunt?
- Spinning a clay bowl on a wheel nearby.Copy !req
189. And that Christ's words,
the actual incantation to raise the dead,Copy !req
190. were recorded in
the grooves of the pottery,Copy !req
191. just like the way music
is recorded into vinyl.Copy !req
192. You see? It's just not true that you can't get
good science at Catholic school. It's a lie.Copy !req
193. Well, Sister Spooky says
that these words in the clayCopy !req
194. still have the power to raise the dead.Copy !req
195. - Just like Jesus raised Lazarus.
- That is a very cool story coming from you.Copy !req
196. I'll have Chuck Burks meet you, see if
this clay has Christ's greatest hits on it.Copy !req
197. And I'm gonna go have
another audience with Cardinal O'Fallon.Copy !req
198. There's music in the air, Agent Scully.Copy !req
199. See, everything that exists
vibrates and therefore sings.Copy !req
200. The street, your internal organs,
electricity, everything.Copy !req
201. And... Here, I'll show ya.Copy !req
202. You see, this is my voice,
bouncing around in the red here.Copy !req
203. And all this yellow is ambient sound
that we habitually tune out.Copy !req
204. It's the hum of my hardware, Mulder's porn
tapes on pause, the sounds from the street.Copy !req
205. Everything we hear, but we don't know
we hear, I can hear it with this machine.Copy !req
206. Oh!Copy !req
207. What is it?Copy !req
208. - Who made this?
- We're not sure.Copy !req
209. Either a forger
by the name of Micah HoffmanCopy !req
210. or someone else
in the vicinity of Jesus Christ.Copy !req
211. Bazingo.Copy !req
212. Whoever did it is a musical genius.Copy !req
213. This is vibrating in all the keys at once.
It's heavenly.Copy !req
214. Can you translate
what it says there for me, please?Copy !req
215. Did you recover them from the crypt?Copy !req
216. Yes.Copy !req
217. "And then Jesus took his beloved
Mary Magdalene in an embrace."Copy !req
218. "An embrace not of God and woman,
but of man and woman."Copy !req
219. "And Jesus said to Mary, 'love the body,Copy !req
220. for it is all of the soul
that our senses can perceive.“Copy !req
221. And how about these?Copy !req
222. These would appear
to be copies of the original.Copy !req
223. And rough drafts.Copy !req
224. - How?
- They're all forgeries, sir.Copy !req
225. Did you buy these from Micah Hoffman?Copy !req
226. - I thought they were real.
- I can understand that. He was a master.Copy !req
227. They're virtually indistinguishable
from the real thing.Copy !req
228. The paper is authentic,
the ink, the hand, the diction.Copy !req
229. Hoffman was also an explosives expert.Copy !req
230. Do you have any idea what he might have
been doing with a bomb in the crypt?Copy !req
231. Can you think of anybody who
might have wanted to kill Micah Hoffman?Copy !req
232. No.Copy !req
233. Why were you hiding the documents, sir?Copy !req
234. When Micah came to me with these,
as I then thought, ancient texts,Copy !req
235. and our experts verified them,Copy !req
236. it exploded a bomb in my heart.Copy !req
237. The Christ that I loved
was not the Christ in these texts.Copy !req
238. So you bought them in order to hide them?Copy !req
239. To keep others from feeling
the despair and the anger that I felt.Copy !req
240. To protect people from what I can
now see they needed no protection from.Copy !req
241. Why didn't you just destroy
the documents yourself?Copy !req
242. I thought they were real.Copy !req
243. I hated them, I despised them.Copy !req
244. I would have liked to have
destroyed them, but I couldn't.Copy !req
245. Is being made a fool of a crime,
Agent Mulder?Copy !req
246. I'd be doing life if it were, sir.Copy !req
247. - Scully.
- Hey, Scully, it's me.Copy !req
248. Can you horn in on
the Hoffman autopsy for me?Copy !req
249. - Why?
- I got a feeling he was dead before he died.Copy !req
250. He was blackmailing O'Fallon.
Maybe O'Fallon retaliated.Copy !req
251. Mulder, this bowl.Copy !req
252. Your buddy Chuck Burks says it has
properties he's never seen before.Copy !req
253. If... Hold on a second. That's my other line.Copy !req
254. - Yeah, Mulder.
- It's Wayne-slash-Federman out in LA.Copy !req
255. - I can't really talk about the case.
- Skin Man's keeping me in the loop.Copy !req
256. Listen, who do you see
playing you in the movie?Copy !req
257. - I'm in the movie?
- Ah, it's a character loosely based on you.Copy !req
258. It's more of an amalgamation.Copy !req
259. Hold on a second, Wayne.Copy !req
260. - Hey, Sister Spooky, I gotta take this.
- I'll call you after the autopsy.Copy !req
261. Thanks.Copy !req
262. How about Richard Gere?Copy !req
263. Yeah, OK. Seriously. What if I said
to you the name, Garry Shandling?Copy !req
264. It sounded like you said Garry Shandling.Copy !req
265. Garry Shandling signed on to play
the amalgamation loosely based on you.Copy !req
266. And Téa Leoni playing the amalgamation
loosely based on your partner.Copy !req
267. - You stud, it's called "The Lazarus Bowl".
- How do you know about the Lazarus bowl?Copy !req
268. The Skin Man. Listen, Shandling
and Leoni wanna meet you guys.Copy !req
269. Get your flavour. It's an actor-type thing.Copy !req
270. Come on out to the studio
on our dime. We'll make it nice.Copy !req
271. Hey, who's... then, who's gonna
play Skinner in the movie?Copy !req
272. Richard Gere.Copy !req
273. Fracturing of skull and surface abrasionsCopy !req
274. initially consistent
with concussive force injuries.Copy !req
275. I am now weighing the heart,
which is relatively normal.Copy !req
276. Although somewhat large.Copy !req
277. I'm gonna need that
when you're done with it.Copy !req
278. Oh, my God.Copy !req
279. - Who are you?
- I am who I am.Copy !req
280. Uh-uh. Noli me tangere, baby.Copy !req
281. 0w. Damn it.Copy !req
282. What'd you find?Copy !req
283. In Micah Hoffman's stomach there were
traces of red wine and strychnine.Copy !req
284. Man, oh, Manischevitz
communion wine, I bet.Copy !req
285. I bet O'Fallon poisoned him and then put his
body near the explosion to cover his tracks.Copy !req
286. - That's possible, Mulder.
- I could get a warrant for O'Fallon.Copy !req
287. You are the one God
living in truth.Copy !req
288. Through all eternity,
you live in unapproachable light.Copy !req
289. Let's allow the man some dignity.Copy !req
290. You fill your creatures with every blessingCopy !req
291. and lead all men
to the joyful vision of your life.Copy !req
292. In our joy, we sing to your glory
with all the choirs of angels.Copy !req
293. Holy, holy, holy Lord,
God of power and might.Copy !req
294. Heaven and earth are full of your glory.
Hosanna in the highest.Copy !req
295. Blessed is he who comes
in the name of the Lord.Copy !req
296. Hosanna in the highest.Copy !req
297. Consummatum est.Copy !req
298. Lord Jesus Christ, you said to your apostles
"I leave you in peace. My peace I give you."Copy !req
299. Let's get this over with.Copy !req
300. And grant us the peace
and unity of your kingdom. Amen.Copy !req
301. Augustine O'Fallon, you're under arrest
for the murder of Micah Hoffman,Copy !req
302. - You have the right to remain silent.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
303. Mulder...Copy !req
304. Do you see what I see?Copy !req
305. - Yes, I do.
- Is that Micah Hoffman?Copy !req
306. Yes, it is.Copy !req
307. Misidentification of a corpse
and subsequent unrequested autopsy.Copy !req
308. Sir, the dead man looked very much
like Micah Hoffman.Copy !req
309. He had Hoffman's ID on him.Copy !req
310. Scully, if I'm carrying
Marilyn Monroe's purse,Copy !req
311. would you assume that I slept with JFK?Copy !req
312. Mulder, the FBI has always prided itself
in the speedy expedition of its cases.Copy !req
313. But this is the first time that we've
ever attempted to pursue a murder caseCopy !req
314. where the victim was alive.Copy !req
315. A bomb went off. A crime's been committed.Copy !req
316. There's a dead body
nobody gives a damn about.Copy !req
317. O'Fallon's been less than forthcoming, and
Hoffman is guilty of forgery and extortion.Copy !req
318. Agent Mulder, you will leave
O'Fallon and Hoffman alone!Copy !req
319. And, Agent Scully, you'll put
your trigger-happy scalpel away!Copy !req
320. Best-case scenario,
you get to keep your jobs.Copy !req
321. Worst-case, the Church brings a huge,
embarrassing lawsuit against us,Copy !req
322. which will feature you two
as the sacrificial lambs!Copy !req
323. As of right now,Copy !req
324. I'm forcing you to take a four-week leave
effective immediately, pending review.Copy !req
325. This Richard Gere thing
is going to Skinner's head.Copy !req
326. - We're off this case, Mulder.
- Compadres.Copy !req
327. I've teased out something
very fabulous from your pottery there.Copy !req
328. Layered in under the ambience. There.
Guess what language that is?Copy !req
329. - Chuck, I've had a bad day.
- It's a dead language.Copy !req
330. I had a linguist in here to listen
to the recording. It's Aramaic.Copy !req
331. That's the language that Christ spoke.
Did your linguist happen to translate it?Copy !req
332. It's in two parts.Copy !req
333. The first part here roughly translates as
"I am the walrus. I am the walrus."Copy !req
334. "Paul is dead. Goo goo goo joob."Copy !req
335. Although there is no Aramaic word
for walrus. So it literally says:Copy !req
336. "I am the bearded cow-like sea beast."Copy !req
337. - What's the second part?
- The second parts a little freakier. Here.Copy !req
338. - What is it?
- It appears to be one manCopy !req
339. commanding another to rise from the dead.Copy !req
340. Lazarus?Copy !req
341. I am become Jesus Christ.Copy !req
342. I am become sceptical.Copy !req
343. There I was,
totally bumming after Altamont.Copy !req
344. And I thought "Throw in the towel
and go to law schoolCopy !req
345. or continue the fight and become a forger
of scandalous religious documents."Copy !req
346. I suppose that's a choice every
young gifted American male is faced with.Copy !req
347. I knew O'Fallon from college.Copy !req
348. - He was a divinity professor of mine.
- At Columbia?Copy !req
349. And he's a decent man,
but with an overweening prideCopy !req
350. and sense of responsibility born of
a lack of respect for the human animal.Copy !req
351. He believes in God, but not in man and
man's ability to choose to live in freedom.Copy !req
352. He has Christ in his brain
but not in his heart.Copy !req
353. So you created a Christ that was
more suited to your particular world-viewCopy !req
354. But before I could write like Him,
I had to become Him,Copy !req
355. in much the same way I imagine an actor
who plays a part becomes that part.Copy !req
356. So I immersed myself in Jesus Christ.Copy !req
357. Not just the Church and teachings,
but the man, the custom of his time,Copy !req
358. the language, the vibe, the feeling of Christ.Copy !req
359. So why didn't O'Fallon and the elders go
outside the Church for authentification?Copy !req
360. Because the forgeries are too damning of
the Church. They couldn't risk the exposure.Copy !req
361. But then something truly weird
came over me,Copy !req
362. Remorse?Copy !req
363. Conversion, Agent Scully.Copy !req
364. The lightning bolt that transformed Saul
to Paul on the road to Damascus.Copy !req
365. One day I was not just
impersonating Jesus Christ,Copy !req
366. I had become him.Copy !req
367. That's why I blew up the crypt.Copy !req
368. The forgeries were blasphemous
and needed to be destroyed.Copy !req
369. How did your cellphone
get on the dead man in the crypt?Copy !req
370. God works in mysterious ways.Copy !req
371. As long as they can think,
we'll have our problems.Copy !req
372. But those whom we are using cannot think.
They are the deadCopy !req
373. brought to assimilate life
by our electrode attempts. It's open!Copy !req
374. You know, it's an interesting thing when
you consider the earth people who can thinkCopy !req
375. .. are so frightened
by those who cannot. The dead.Copy !req
376. Couldn't sleep either, huh?Copy !req
377. Plan 9 from Outer Space?Copy !req
378. Yeah. It's the Ed Wood
investigative method.Copy !req
379. This movie is so profoundly bad
in such a childlike wayCopy !req
380. that it hypnotizes my mind and frees up
my right brain to make associo-poetic leaps.Copy !req
381. I started flashing on
Hoffman and O'Fallon.Copy !req
382. How there's this archetypal relationship.
Like Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Judas.Copy !req
383. Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's
Dostoyevsky's Grand InquisitorCopy !req
384. or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's St Paul.Copy !req
385. How about Hoffman's Road Runner
to O'Fallon's Wile E Coyote?Copy !req
386. - Mulder?
- Yeah?Copy !req
387. Do you think it's at all possible
that Hoffman is really Jesus Christ?Copy !req
388. - Are you making fun of me?
- No.Copy !req
389. Well, no, I don't.
But crazy people can be very persuasive.Copy !req
390. Well, yes, I know that.Copy !req
391. Maybe true faith is really a form of insanity.Copy !req
392. And at Ed Wood.Copy !req
393. Well, you know, even a broken clock
is right 730 times a year.Copy !req
394. - How...?
- 42.Copy !req
395. You've seen this movie 42 times?Copy !req
396. - Yes.
- Doesn't that make you sad?Copy !req
397. - It makes me sad.
- You ever been to Hollywood?Copy !req
398. Oh, a couple of times a few years ago.Copy !req
399. You're going to be there in the morning.Copy !req
400. Just a few minutes from Hollywood
in the town of San Fernando,Copy !req
401. reports have come in
of saucers flying so low the...Copy !req
402. You know, we've got four weeks'
probation vacation and nothing to do.Copy !req
403. And Wayne's invited us to LA
to watch his movie being filmed.Copy !req
404. And God knows I could use a little sunshine.Copy !req
405. Scully?Copy !req
406. California, here we come.Copy !req
407. Agents, I'm so glad you could hang.Copy !req
408. I want you to meet
the people that are gonna play you.Copy !req
409. Garry Shandling, Téa Leoni,
this is Agents Mulder and Scully.Copy !req
410. - Nice to meet you.
- Big fan. Fox Mulder.Copy !req
411. No kidding? Huh.Copy !req
412. While I've got you here, maybe you could
show me how to run in these things.Copy !req
413. Right over here, I was thinking... I tell you,
I'm having a hell of a time in these heels.Copy !req
414. - Hey. Uh, uh...
- Hi.Copy !req
415. How are you?
Listen, can I ask you something?Copy !req
416. - Sure.
- Do you dress to the left or to the right?Copy !req
417. What do you mean?Copy !req
418. When I play a character, I need to find
his center, his sort of rudder, so to say.Copy !req
419. And then everything comes from that.Copy !req
420. Uh...Copy !req
421. I guess mostly to the left.Copy !req
422. - Mostly?
- Most of the time.Copy !req
423. - Most of the time... to the left.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
424. Wardrobe!Copy !req
425. - Rolling!
- And rollando!Copy !req
426. Come on, now. Kick it in the arse.
And, action zombies!Copy !req
427. - What is this?
- Cut! Go ahead, ruin my career.Copy !req
428. What seems to be the problem,
Mr Zombie, sir?Copy !req
429. What the hell's in my mouth?Copy !req
430. - What's Tea Leoni's shoulder made out of?
- Uh, what is Téa Leoni's shoulder made of?Copy !req
431. - Turkey, just like you asked for.
- Miss Leoni's shoulder's made of turkey.Copy !req
432. Tofurkey! I asked for Tofurkey!
I'm a vegetarian!Copy !req
433. Half the zombies are vegetarian!
Oh, my God!Copy !req
434. The people are made out of turkey!Copy !req
435. - Hello?
- Hey, Mulder, it's me. What are you doing?Copy !req
436. I'm working at the computer,
what are you doing?Copy !req
437. I'm packing. Just, you know, getting ready
for our trip back to DC tomorrow.Copy !req
438. You know, I was just thinking
about Lazarus,Copy !req
439. Ed Wood and those Tofurkey zombies.Copy !req
440. How come when people
come back from the dead,Copy !req
441. they always wanna hurt the living?Copy !req
442. That's because people
can't really come back from the dead.Copy !req
443. I mean, ghosts and zombies are just
projections of our own cannibalisticCopy !req
444. and sexual fears and desires.Copy !req
445. They are who we fear that we are at heart.Copy !req
446. Just mindless automatons
who can only kill and eat.Copy !req
447. Party pooper. Well, I got a new theory.Copy !req
448. I say that when zombies try to eat people
it's just the first stage.Copy !req
449. They've just come back, so they'll do
all the things they missed from being alive.Copy !req
450. So first they're gonna eat.
Then they'll drink.Copy !req
451. Then they'll dance and make love.Copy !req
452. Oh, I see. So we never get to stay with them
long enough to see the gentler side of them.Copy !req
453. Exactly. Hold on a second. It's my other line.Copy !req
454. - Hello?
- It's Assistant Director Skinner.Copy !req
455. - I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.
- No, sir, I'm just at the computer.Copy !req
456. I want to apologize
for coming down so hard on youCopy !req
457. over the Hoffman-slash-O'Fallon case.Copy !req
458. - I appreciate that, Skin Man.
- Don't call me that.Copy !req
459. Um, where are you now?Copy !req
460. I'm underneath you.
I'm at the same hotel as you.Copy !req
461. Right below you and Agent Scully.Copy !req
462. Federman got me
an associate producer credit on the movie.Copy !req
463. AP Skinner, huh?Copy !req
464. Uh, so what are you up to right now, sir?Copy !req
465. I'm taking a bubble bath.Copy !req
466. Oh, hold on just one second, sir.Copy !req
467. Hey, Scully, Skin Man
is calling me from a bubble bath.Copy !req
468. - It's still me, Mulder.
- Uh, sorry. Just hold on one second, sir.Copy !req
469. Scully? Yeah, Skinner
is calling me from a bubble bath.Copy !req
470. - Wow. He's really gone Hollywood.
- Totally.Copy !req
471. You know, Mulder, speaking of Hollywood,
I think Tea Leoni has a little crush on you.Copy !req
472. Oh, yeah, right. Like Téa Leoni's
ever gonna have a crush on me.Copy !req
473. - I think that Shandling likes you a bit, too.
- Really?Copy !req
474. I love you, Scully.Copy !req
475. - No ifs, ands, or...
- Bees.Copy !req
476. Wait... wait, Mulder... I can't.Copy !req
477. I know this feels wrong because we're
friends and we treat each other as equals.Copy !req
478. No, it's not that, it's not that.Copy !req
479. Well, what, then?Copy !req
480. I'm in love with
Assistant Director Walter Skinner.Copy !req
481. - That's it, I just can't take it any more.
- Shh, Mulder. Sit down.Copy !req
482. What does he have that I don't have?Copy !req
483. A bigger flashlight.Copy !req
484. I've been looking all over for you.Copy !req
485. They got it so wrong, Scully.Copy !req
486. I got a page from the Washington Bureau.Copy !req
487. Micah Hoffman was murdered tonight.Copy !req
488. Murdered in his own home
by Cardinal O'Fallon,Copy !req
489. who then hanged himself.Copy !req
490. - A murder-suicide.
- It's Jesus and Judas, Scully.Copy !req
491. Well, it's all over now.Copy !req
492. No, no.Copy !req
493. It's just beginning.Copy !req
494. Hoffman and O'Fallon were these
complicated, flawed, beautiful people.Copy !req
495. And now they'll be remembered
as jokes cos of this movie.Copy !req
496. The character based on O'Fallon is
in the credits as cigarette-smoking pontiff.Copy !req
497. How silly is that?Copy !req
498. - Pretty silly.
- What about us?Copy !req
499. How are we gonna be remembered now
because of this movie?Copy !req
500. - Hopefully the movie'll tank.
- What about the deadCopy !req
501. who are silent and
can't tell their stories any more?Copy !req
502. They'll have to rely on Hollywood
to show how we lived.Copy !req
503. And it'll all become
oversimplified and trivializedCopy !req
504. and cigarette-smoking pontiff-icised.Copy !req
505. And become as plastic and meaningless
as this stupid plastic Lazarus bowl.Copy !req
506. I think the dead are beyond caring
what people think about them.Copy !req
507. Hopefully, we can adopt the same attitude.Copy !req
508. You do know that there aren't
real dead people out there, right?Copy !req
509. That this is a movie set?Copy !req
510. The dead are everywhere, Scully.Copy !req
511. Well, we're alive.Copy !req
512. And we're relatively young.
And Skinner was so tickled by the movie...Copy !req
513. - I bet he was.
- That he's given us a Bureau credit cardCopy !req
514. to use for the evening.Copy !req
515. Come on.Copy !req
516. - Mulder, I have something to confess.
- What's that?Copy !req
517. I'm in love with
Associate Producer Walter Skinner.Copy !req
518. Ah, me too.Copy !req
519. I made this!Copy !req