The X-Files 2x20

1. Oh, Daddy, cut it out.

2. I knew it was you, Dad.

3. Quit picking on your brother.

4. Remember he loves you.

5. No, I don't.

6. I'm glad you're back home, Dad.

7. Ah, not as glad as I am.

8. Did you see a lot of weird stuff this year?

9. Yup, it was the weirdest show ever.

10. But right now, your mother thinks

11. you guys are getting ready for bed.

12. And if she comes out here and finds you guys

13. still in the pool, she's gonna kill me.

14. So, come on, out of the pool.

15. Aw, Dad. (raspy breathing)

16. Quit your whining.

17. Come on, or no bedtime story.

18. Come on, or no bedtime story.

19. Out you go. That's it.

20. We don't even have school tomorrow.

21. What the hell?

22. What happened to him?

23. Nothing you can ascertain from that photograph.

24. The victim suffered from ichthyosis—

25. a congenital skin disease characterized by

26. the shedding of the epidermis in the form of scales.

27. This shows the entry wound of the undetermined weapon.

28. There were no other injuries inflicted upon the body,

29. no internal organs removed and/or cannibalized,

30. and there's no signs of any sexual molestation either.

31. That's 48 attacks

32. over the last 28 years,

33. occurring in every state in the continental U.S. almost—

34. occurring in every state in the continental U.S. almost—

35. the first in Oregon and the last five in Florida.

36. The victims range from all different age groups,

37. races, both male and female.

38. Mutilations appear so motiveless

39. that one would suspect some form of ritual,

40. yet they adhere to no known cult.

41. A lone serial killer would have been expected

42. to escalate the level of violence of his attacks

43. over such an extended period of time.

44. So what do you think, Scully?

45. What are your initial thoughts?

46. Imagine going through your whole life

47. Imagine going through your whole life

48. looking like this.

49. "The Lord is my shepherd.

50. "I shall not want.

51. "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

52. "He leadeth me beside the still waters.

53. "He restoreth my soul.

54. "He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness

55. "for his name's sake.

56. "Yea, though I walk through the valley

57. "Yea, though I walk through the valley

58. "of the shadow of death,

59. "I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.

60. "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

61. "Thou preparest a table before me

62. "in the presence of mine enemies.

63. "Thou anointest my head with oil.

64. "My cup runneth over.

65. "Surely, goodness and mercy

66. "shall follow me all the days of my life,

67. and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

68. and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

69. We are gathered here today

70. to mourn the passing of Jerald Glazebrook,

71. beloved husband, father, friend

72. and entertainer.

73. We mourn not only the passing of a man

74. who overcame the obstacles of his earthly incarnation,

75. but also the passing of the love

76. that dwelled within his all-too-human heart.

77. We mourn the passing

78. of the admiration and the respect

79. of the admiration and the respect

80. he instilled in all of his professional colleagues.

81. We mourn the passing of the laughter and the enjoyment

82. he brought each audience who saw him.

83. For although Jerry

84. was a world-renowned escape artist,

85. there is one strongbox from which none of us can escape.

86. Help.

87. Not having known the deceased personally,

88. I'm in no position to perform a proper eulogy.

89. I'm sure he was a nice guy, et cetera, et cetera.

90. But as an admirer of the man's work,

91. But as an admirer of the man's work,

92. I am in a position

93. to perform an impromptu tribute in his honor—

94. namely, ramming this spike into my chest!

95. (screaming) Are you crazy?

96. Don't you have any respect at all?

97. I think I hit my left ventricle!

98. This is a funeral!

99. Get back, fascist!

100. Get him out of here!

101. You're awful!

102. I can't wait for the wake.

103. On his ViCAP form,

104. On his ViCAP form,

105. Jerald Glazebrook's occupation was listed as "artist."

106. Jerry was an artist, the best escape artist since Houdini.

107. He should have been headlining Vegas,

108. but his skin condition

109. kept him on the sideshow circuit.

110. I guess I didn't realize

111. that sideshows were still in existence.

112. There are about two or three of them still around.

113. I got the impression that Glazebrook

114. wasn't the only sideshow performer residing here.

115. The town was founded back in the '20s

116. when some of Barnum & Bailey's troupes

117. started coming down here during the winter off-seasons.

118. You know, this town's history

119. might help explain our case's history.

120. might help explain our case's history.

121. A sideshow performer

122. would have toured much of the country over the years.

123. And their isolation from everyday society

124. caused by their physical deformities

125. could have built up pathological resentments

126. so intense that murder might...

127. Now, now, hold on a second.

128. Around here, we refer to them as "very special people."

129. Now, some of them may be different on the outside,

130. but it's what inside that counts.

131. And on the inside, they're as normal as anybody.

132. Until their arrests, many serial killers

133. are considered by their friends and family to be quite normal.

134. are considered by their friends and family to be quite normal.

135. If you truly regard these people as normal,

136. then you must also consider the possibility

137. that they are capable of committing these crimes.

138. It's just been my experience

139. that other people have a harder time

140. accepting these people's deformities

141. than they do themselves.

142. Sheriff, what is this?

143. This design here—

144. it's, uh, copyrighted by Hepcat Helm.

145. Is that a local artist? (chuckles)

146. A bit too local.

147. His workplace is right behind my station house.

148. Do you think that we could meet Hepcat?

149. Do you think that we could meet Hepcat?

150. Hepcat! Hepcat!

151. (sighs) Who are the rubes?

152. These are FBI Agents Scully and Mulder.

153. This is Hepcat Helm.

154. He operates a carnival fun house.

155. Oh, man, how many times have I told you not to call it that?

156. Oh, man, how many times have I told you not to call it that?

157. It's not some rinky-dink carny ride.

158. People go through it, they don't have fun.

159. They get the hell scared out of them.

160. It's not a fun house.

161. It's a tabernacle of terror.

162. It's a fun house.

163. Mr. Helm, I wanted to ask you about this menu illustration.

164. I recognize most of the historical portraits

165. you've drawn here, but what's this here?

166. It's the Feejee Mermaid.

167. Is that what that thing is?

168. What's the Feejee Mermaid?

169. The Feejee Mermaid.

170. The Feejee Mermaid.

171. It's the Feejee Mermaid.

172. It's a bit of humbug Barnum pulled

173. in the last century.

174. Barnum billed it as a real live mermaid,

175. but when people went in to see it,

176. all they saw was a real dead monkey

177. sewn on the tail of a fish.

178. It was a monkey?

179. A mummified monkey.

180. It supposedly looked so bad,

181. he had to exhibit it as a "genuine fake."

182. Oh, but, see, that's why Barnum was a genius.

183. You never know where the truth ends

184. and the humbug begins.

185. and the humbug begins.

186. He came right out and said,

187. "This Feejee Mermaid thing is just a bunch of B.S."

188. That just made people want to go and see it even more.

189. So, I mean, who knows?

190. Maybe for box-office reasons, Barnum hawked it as a hoax,

191. when in reality...

192. The Feejee Mermaid was a reality.

193. Sheriff, we're gonna need to find a place to stay tonight.

194. There are lodgings right across the way,

195. but, uh, what's all this about?

196. These tracks were found

197. at several of the past few crime scenes.

198. at several of the past few crime scenes.

199. They've defied exact identification,

200. but one expert speculated

201. that they might be simian in nature.

202. You don't mean to tell me you think these tracks

203. were made by the Feejee Mermaid?

204. Do you recall what Barnum said about suckers?

205. Tell me, have you done much circus work in your life?

206. And what makes you think I've ever spectated a circus,

207. much less been enslaved by one?

208. I know that many of the citizens here

209. are former circus hands, and I just thought that...

210. You thought that because I am a person of short stature

211. that the only career I could procure for myself

212. would be one confined to the so-called big top.

213. You took one quick look at me

214. and decided that you could deduce my entire life.

215. Never would it have occurred to you

216. Never would it have occurred to you

217. that a person of my height

218. could have possibly obtained a degree

219. in hotel management.

220. I'm sorry. I meant no offense.

221. Well, then why should I take offense?

222. Just because it's human nature

223. to make instantaneous judgments of others

224. based solely upon their physical appearances?

225. Why, I've done the same thing to you, for example.

226. I've taken in your all-American features,

227. your dour demeanor, your unimaginative necktie design,

228. and concluded that you work for the government.

229. and concluded that you work for the government.

230. An FBI agent.

231. But do you see the tragedy here?

232. I have mistakenly reduced you to a stereotype— a caricature—

233. instead of regarding you as a specific, unique individual.

234. But I am an FBI agent.

235. Register here, please.

236. Tell me, have you done

237. Tell me, have you done

238. much circus work in your life?

239. I was on the stage for most of my life.

240. I was a headliner.

241. Did it not bother you to have people staring at you?

242. Best work I ever had.

243. All I had to do was stand there.

244. Occasionally, I'd say, "Ladies and gentlemen,

245. "I'd like you to meet my brother Leonard.

246. Excuse him. He's a little shy."

247. Big laughs, I tell you, big laughs.

248. Why'd you give it up?

249. Why'd you give it up?

250. Mr. Nutt, the kindhearted manager here,

251. convinced me that to make a living

252. by publicly displaying my deformity lacked dignity.

253. So now I carry other people's luggage.

254. I believe these are your trailers.

255. If they are not, then I am wrong.

256. Oh.

257. That's most considerate.

258. Thank you very much.

259. Thank you very much.

260. Good night.

261. Sleep tight.

262. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

263. No. No, that-that's not what I meant.

264. I-I didn't mean to imply we had bedbugs.

265. I-I meant to say, "Don't let... don't let the..."

266. The Feejee Mermaids bite.

267. Yes, that's right.

268. The Feejee Mermaids.

269. That's right. That-that's...

270. that-that's exactly...

271. Mulder, what is this Feejee Mermaid business?

272. Mulder, what is this Feejee Mermaid business?

273. Every murder investigation

274. begins with a list of possible suspects.

275. You should try not to be so exclusive, Scully.

276. As long as you try

277. not to let the atmosphere of this town

278. distort your list all out of proportion.

279. What the hell?

280. Uh, ma'am...

281. Sheriff, he, uh,

282. wants to see you.

283. There's been another murder.

284. Hey, Scully, there's some blood on the window here

285. we should send to the lab.

286. Why run a test on the victim's blood?

287. No, not this window.

288. No, not this window.

289. This window.

290. This seems to be the point of entry,

291. and there's a...

292. smear of blood on the outside of the window.

293. Why would there be blood before the attack?

294. Why didn't the attacker just come through the open door?

295. For a person to crawl in and out of these windows,

296. they'd have to be a contortionist

297. or just plain crazy.

298. Or both.

299. While they're performing the autopsy,

300. I want to go down to the...

301. Yes!

302. How many people do you know

303. that can get out of a straitjacket

304. in under three minutes?

305. Fortunately, none.

306. We caught your act yesterday at the funeral.

307. That was some trick with the railroad spike.

308. Dr. Blockhead does not perform "tricks."

309. Dr. Blockhead performs

310. astounding acts of body manipulation

311. and pain endurance.

312. and pain endurance.

313. You must be one of those rare individuals

314. whose nerve endings don't register pain.

315. You just keep telling yourself that.

316. Have you ever performed this, uh, act on anyone else?

317. What, are you sick?

318. I tell my audiences that if they're stupid enough

319. to try this themselves,

320. they'll end up with a slight lobotomy.

321. I am a professional.

322. Exactly how does one become a professional blockhead?

323. Exactly how does one become a professional blockhead?

324. May I?

325. Starting in my homeland of Yemen,

326. I studied with yogis,

327. fakirs and swamis,

328. learning the ancient arts of body manipulation.

329. But most men know nothing of these arts.

330. For instance, did you know that

331. through the protective Chinese practice of Tiea Bu Shan,

332. you can train your testicles to draw up into your abdomen?

333. Oh, I'm doing that as we speak.

334. I saw him this morning down by the river.

335. He was eating a fish.

336. He knows between-show snacks

337. will ruin his appetite.

338. will ruin his appetite.

339. I could be mistaken.

340. Maybe it was another bald-headed

341. jigsaw puzzle-tattooed naked guy I saw.

342. Is this man also a body manipulator?

343. No, in the classical sense, The Conundrum's a geek.

344. He eats live animals.

345. DR. He eats anything—

346. live animals, dead animals,

347. rocks, lightbulbs,

348. corkscrews, battery cables, cranberries...

349. Human flesh?

350. Only The Conundrum can answer that question,

351. but he doesn't answer questions.

352. He merely poses them.

353. When an audience partakes

354. When an audience partakes

355. in The Conundrum's human piranha act,

356. they are left to ask themselves...

357. why.

358. But... where are my manners?

359. Thank you.

360. It's an old sleight of hand

361. my uncle once taught me.

362. He was only an amateur magician,

363. but he was still better than those two.

364. Well, I'm going over to the lab to see if they can test

365. the blood on the window against the blood

366. on Dr. Blockhead's nail.

367. Everybody's uncle is an amateur magician.

368. Welcome to my museum.

369. May I put to rest any questions you may have conjured?

370. I was just reading

371. about the fascinating life of Chang and Eng,

372. and wondering if their death was just as fascinating.

373. Oh, very much so.

374. On a cold January eve in 1874,

375. Eng awoke to find his brother had passed away

376. during the course of the night.

377. A few hours later,

378. Eng himself departed from this world.

379. Now, these facts themselves may be less than fascinating,

380. but imagine... imagine being Eng

381. and lying there,

382. knowing that essentially half your body was now dead,

383. that the rest must inevitably follow,

384. and being able to do about it absolutely nothing.

385. and being able to do about it absolutely nothing.

386. At the autopsy, it was officially concluded

387. that Chang died of a cerebral hemorrhage.

388. What was the official cause of Eng's death?

389. Fright.

390. Do you have any information on Blockhead or geek acts?

391. This is an historical collection on human curiosities.

392. Blockheads are skilled performers.

393. Like magicians?

394. Like sword swallowers—

395. who really do swallow swords.

396. Geeks are neither skilled nor curiosities.

397. Geeks are neither skilled nor curiosities.

398. They're merely unseemly,

399. not even attaining the level of gaffs.

400. Gaffs?

401. Observe closely the dissimilarity

402. of the facial features.

403. Conjoined twins are always identical.

404. These gentlemen are phonies— gaffs.

405. Sort of like the Feejee Mermaid?

406. You're investigating

407. the Alligator Man's murder, yes?

408. I have something I believe you might find of some interest.

409. I have something I believe you might find of some interest.

410. What does this have to do with the Glazebrook murders?

411. I've recently come into possession

412. of an authentic P.T. Barnum exhibit.

413. Now, I don't show this display to all my customers—

414. only those with the intellectual curiosity to appreciate it.

415. Barnum billed it as "the great unknown."

416. I must first ask of you two favors—

417. tell no soul what you witness in here.

418. And the second favor?

419. And the second favor?

420. An additional donation of five dollars.

421. Does Agent Scully know

422. that you're under her crawl space?

423. that you're under her crawl space?

424. I was merely repairing the plumbing on this unit.

425. I know what you're thinking, my friend,

426. but you are grossly mistaken.

427. Just because I'm not of so-called average height

428. does not mean I must receive my thrills vicariously.

429. Not all women are attracted

430. to overly tall, lanky men such as yourself.

431. You'd be surprised how many women

432. find my size intriguingly alluring.

433. And you'd be surprised how many men do as well.

434. Oh, it's you.

435. Is Mr. Nutt finished with the plumbing?

436. The blood from the window matched the blood from the nail,

437. but they were both O-positive.

438. They've been sent for further analysis.

439. I ran a background check on Dr. Blockhead.

440. His real name is Jeffrey Swaim, and he wasn't born in Yemen.

441. He was born in Milwaukee.

442. He does not hold a doctorate.

443. He does not hold a doctorate.

444. Well, I ended up running a bit of a background check myself.

445. On who?

446. On an orphan

447. discovered in the wild forest of Albania in 1943.

448. "Although physically adept at catching his own food,

449. "he could not speak a word, save for a few savage grunts.

450. "Brought to this country,

451. "he was exhibited behind a locked cage

452. "necessitated by his feral ferocity,

453. "where he would terrify onlookers

454. by devouring chunks of raw meat."

455. However, for reasons I could not ascertain,

456. However, for reasons I could not ascertain,

457. he ran away from the circus and spent

458. a vague number of years mysteriously roaming about,

459. supporting himself through a number of nondescript jobs.

460. Eventually, he wound up in Gibsonton,

461. where he took up a career in law enforcement

462. and has spent the past four terms serving as sheriff.

463. You're talking about Sheriff Hamilton?

464. I'm telling you that before becoming Sheriff Hamilton,

465. James Hamilton was Jim-Jim, The Dog-Faced Boy.

466. (quietly): You know, Scully,

467. hypertrichosis does not connote lycanthropy.

468. What are you implying?

469. We're being highly discriminatory here.

470. Just because a man was once afflicted

471. with excessive hairiness, we've no reason to suspect him

472. of aberrant behavior.

473. It's like assuming guilt

474. based solely on skin color, isn't it?

475. Yeah.

476. May I ask what you're doing?

477. We're exhuming...

478. your potato.

479. May I ask why?

480. May I ask why?

481. Sheriff, it-it's been documented

482. that many serial killers possess

483. a fascination with police work—

484. some of them even holding positions on their local force.

485. So surveillance of investigation team members

486. is often utilized as a precautionary...

487. We found out you used to be a dog-faced boy.

488. Boy, look how skinny I was back then.

489. Boy, look how skinny I was back then.

490. So that is you.

491. Oh, sure. I spent the first half of my life as Jim-Jim.

492. Then one morning, I noticed a bald spot on top of my head,

493. and realized I wasn't only losing my hair,

494. but my career as well.

495. Eventually, all the hair went.

496. On top of my head, anyways.

497. The rest of my body is still pretty hairy,

498. which is why I never go to the beach.

499. It doesn't quite explain the potato.

500. I got, uh, some warts on my hand.

501. That doesn't quite explain the potato.

502. To get rid of warts,

503. To get rid of warts,

504. you rub a sliced potato on your hand

505. and bury it under a full moon.

506. Investigation isn't going too well, is it?

507. So, tell me, Commodore, why are the weirdos

508. the only ones that pay their rent checks in advance?

509. I warn you, you tattooed cretin,

510. I have a licensed firearm, and I'm more than eager

511. for an opportunity to use it.

512. I found him.

513. He's dead. He's dead.

514. Lanny says all the doors and windows

515. were locked from the inside.

516. Scully, come here!

517. Scully, come here!

518. He was like a brother to me.

519. I don't know if a contortionist

520. could get through that doggie door, Scully,

521. but look at this.

522. Lanny! Lanny!

523. Take it easy.

524. You're gonna hurt yourself.

525. So what?

526. So you might hurt me in the process.

527. He gets this way sometimes.

528. I'll have to toss him in the drunk tank.

529. I'll have to toss him in the drunk tank.

530. We'll take Jeffrey Swaim into custody.

531. Come on, Lanny, let's go.

532. You know, Mulder,

533. for a while there, I was beginning to suspect

534. this case involved something a bit more, um...

535. Freakish?

536. You really shouldn't complain about banality, Scully,

537. when your main suspect is the human blockhead.

538. It's open!

539. Mr. Swaim, federal agents.

540. We're here to...

541. We're here to...

542. It's a variation

543. of an American Indian sun dance ritual.

544. I suspend myself by these hooks,

545. and the pain becomes so unbearable,

546. I leave my body.

547. If people knew the true price of spirituality,

548. there'd be more atheists.

549. Mr. Swaim, we're here to take you into custody

550. to question you about some recent murders.

551. I don't answer any questions till I talk to my lawyer.

552. Who's your lawyer?

553. I represent myself.

554. Sir, if you're going to be uncooperative,

555. Sir, if you're going to be uncooperative,

556. I'll have to handcuff you.

557. What gives you fascists the right to do that?

558. Did I not mention we're federal agents?

559. Did I not mention I'm an escape artist?

560. (grunts) Whoa!

561. Mulder, are you okay?

562. It's more comfortable than a futon.

563. Hey, look what I caught.

564. Ouch!

565. What the hell?

566. No! No...!

567. No! (shrieking)

568. This has all the makings

569. of one of those mistaken identity

570. miscarriage of justice things

571. that prove so popular on 60 minutes.

572. Does this belong to you?

573. The Fifth Amendment

574. of our beloved Constitution says...

575. What is that?

576. It's Lanny in the drunk tank.

577. He'll be all right once he sleeps it off.

578. No, I don't think he's gonna sleep this one off.

579. There's been another attack.

580. How could anyone have gotten in there?

581. No one got in, but someone got out.

582. What are you talking about?

583. I'm not sure myself, Mulder,

584. but I think we'll know more when we find Leonard.

585. Leonard?

586. Lanny's brother.

587. Oh, God, they extracted the twin.

588. No. The twin extracted itself.

589. But it's an appendage.

590. Yeah. Mulder, this wound is identical

591. to the other victims' wounds, with one exception.

592. He's not bleeding.

593. If you're trying to tell me his twin brother can

594. crawl out of his body and then go gallivanting around town,

595. you're as drunk as he is.

596. You said it yourself, Sheriff.

597. It's what's inside that counts.

598. I have a feeling that Lanny has an internal anomaly

599. I have a feeling that Lanny has an internal anomaly

600. that allows his conjoining twin to disjoin.

601. But how? H-How?

602. How... how could I turn him in

603. without turning myself in?

604. Lanny, why does he attack other people?

605. I don't think he knows he's harming anyone.

606. He's merely seeking...

607. another brother.

608. Are you in pain, Lanny?

609. Are you in pain, Lanny?

610. It hurts.

611. It hurts not to be wanted.

612. I don't know why he hates me so.

613. I've taken care of him for all of our lives.

614. Maybe that is the reason why.

615. How long can he survive outside of your body?

616. Long enough...

617. Long enough...

618. to understand that you cannot change the way you were born.

619. Don't worry.

620. He'll come back.

621. He always does.

622. I'm still his only brother.

623. Sheriff, we're gonna need the paramedics.

624. Scully, you're the medical expert.

625. If you think the twin can disengage, I believe you,

626. If you think the twin can disengage, I believe you,

627. but how mobile could such a thing be?

628. Too mobile.

629. So, your twin, can, uh...

630. and then...

631. What an act!

632. I'll cover the back.

633. Freeze!

634. The fun house.

635. I thought I heard a shot fired.

636. I think we better go outside

637. and catch this thing coming out.

638. It's the manager's dog.

639. The trailer park.

640. You all right?

641. Have you seen a, uh... uh...

642. Check out the area behind that trailer.

643. And let me know what you find.

644. All right.

645. Now, you're sure it was the twin you saw running around here?

646. I mean, maybe it was the Feejee Mermaid,

647. and he jumped back in the river

648. and swum his way back to Fiji.

649. Now you know how I feel.

650. You're taking off? Are you kidding?

651. With that thing still on the loose?

652. They've been searching for it all day.

653. It can't have sustained itself for this long.

654. It'll probably try to crawl back up into its brother.

655. No, his brother Lanny died last night.

656. I already performed the autopsy on him this morning.

657. So I guess it's true— you can never go home again.

658. His body wounds were nonfatal.

659. He died as a result of advanced cirrhosis of the liver.

660. Oh, there's a moral to the story.

661. Lay off the booze.

662. Lay off the booze.

663. Well, his body possesses some anatomical discrepancies—

664. some offshoots of the esophagus and trachea—

665. that almost seem umbilical in nature.

666. I've never seen anything like it.

667. And you never will again.

668. 21st century genetic engineering will not only eradicate

669. the Siamese twins and the alligator-skinned people,

670. but you're gonna be hard-pressed to find a slight overbite

671. or a not-so-high cheekbone.

672. You see, I've seen the future,

673. and the future looks just like him.

674. Imagine going through your whole life looking like that.

675. Imagine going through your whole life looking like that.

676. That's why it's left up to self-made freaks

677. like me and The Conundrum to remind people.

678. Remind people of what?

679. Nature abhors normality.

680. It can't go very long without creating a mutant.

681. You know why?

682. No. Why?

683. I don't either. It's a mystery.

684. Maybe some mysteries are never meant to be solved.

685. What's the matter with your friend?

686. I don't know what his problem is.

687. I don't know what his problem is.

688. Maybe it's the Florida heat.

689. Hope it's nothing serious.

690. Probably something I ate.

691. I made this!