1. No, your mother just
doesn't have faith in you.
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2. You are invincible.
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3. You just gotta believe.
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4. Mr. Wellborn,
I had a question about my...
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5. Jenkins, get down.
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6. What?
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7. Get down, for god sakes.
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8. Jenkins, you're a good kid.
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9. How long
you been with the company?
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10. Uh, two years this May, sir.
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11. I started this
company 45 years ago.
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12. Built this empire
with my own bare hands.
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13. And I wasn't born with a silver
spoon in my mouth either.
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14. I started out in
my father's tool shed.
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15. I won't lie to you,
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16. I had to claw my way to the top.
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17. I might have stepped
on a few fingers and toes.
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18. Heck, I may have even slit
a few throats along the way,
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19. but that's business.
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20. I forged this corporation
with my own blood and sweat.
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21. And it cost me two marriages,
one heart attack,
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22. and every weekend of my life
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23. to get this company
where it is today.
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24. And this morning
I walk into my office,
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25. and the sons of
bitches over at Bergman-Sachs
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26. put a sniper on the roof.
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27. Come again, sir?
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28. A sniper.
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29. Trained killer
specializing in long distances.
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30. Quiet, stealthy,
but above all else patient.
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31. Sir, I don't think they would
put a sniper on their roof.
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32. Sure they would.
It's the right move.
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33. They don't want
this merger to go through
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34. anymore than the Kiazuchis
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35. but they've got
the cojones to actually
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36. do something about it.
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37. That's why they're number two.
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38. Let me show you
why we're number one.
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39. Slide me
that case behind the couch.
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40. You see, business is all
about being able to adapt.
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41. You gotta learn how
to roll with the punches.
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42. I'm gonna need you to pop up
and give a 20 on him.
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43. - What?
- I know he's on the 75th floor,
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44. but I can't figure out
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45. if he's the third or
fourth window from the left.
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46. Uh, okay.
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47. Now don't worry.
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48. He's got a beat on me
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49. so if you're quick he won't
have enough time to readjust.
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50. Now, go.
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51. Oh, my God, you're right.
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52. Oh, my God, you're right.
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53. Holy smokes.
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54. He's, uh,
third window from the left.
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55. Julie, could you send in one
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56. of the interns, please?
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57. You see, everything
worthwhile takes sacrifice.
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58. You'd be good to remember that.
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59. You can't make an omelet
without breaking some eggs.
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60. More coffee, sir?
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61. Jesus.
Ah! Oh, my God.
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62. You see, it takes
about three and a half seconds
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63. to reload and
trace another target,
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64. which gives me
an adequate window
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65. to fire off a couple rounds.
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66. Pure business.
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67. - And...
- Oh, my God.
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68. That is a kill.
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69. You see, patience
and sacrifice yield rewards.
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70. Business.
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71. That's probably them now.
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72. It's Bergman-Sachs on the phone.
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73. I'll bet they wanna talk.
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74. Calvin, you son of a bitch,
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75. nice try with that sniper.
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76. Yeah, you took out
one of my coffee boys.
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77. I'll bet I scooped
his head clear off.
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78. Now let's get
down to brass tacks.
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79. This merger is going through
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80. whether you like it or not.
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81. But how much is it gonna cost
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82. to keep you from tying things up
in the trade commission?
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83. Flash bomb.
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84. - Jesus, God.
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85. Jenkins, quiet down,
I'm on the phone.
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86. 10 percent is robbery,
and you know that.
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87. Meredith didn't even get
five percent in the prenup.
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88. What I'm saying is
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89. five percent domestic,
one percent international,
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90. and that's my final offer.
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91. You still there?
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92. I'll bet we have a deal.
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93. All right.
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94. Say hello to the missus for me.
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95. Uh-huh.
I'll see you on the greens.
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96. Business, plain and simple.
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97. Now, what was it
that you came in here for?
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98. Um, my brother's getting married
in two weeks,
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99. and I was wondering
if I could have that Friday
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100. as a vacation day.
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101. Would you sign my slip?
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102. No.
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103. Dogs Love Boobs!
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104. He was the greatest conductor
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105. the world had ever known,
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106. commanding powerful
performances all over the globe
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107. until one day in
a tragic car accident
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108. his arms were
ripped from his body.
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109. Now, after years of
rehabilitation
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110. the unfortunately named
Buttfart Rapedick
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111. will take the stage once more
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112. to lead
the Philadelphia Philharmonic
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113. in Ludwig van Beethoven's
classic Seventh Symphony.
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114. Honey.
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115. I'm in, I'm in,
I'm in the shower.
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116. Baby, hey.
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117. I want a divorce.
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118. Hey, well maybe now
my friends can come over!
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119. And now...
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120. Hey, what do you got there?
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121. Oh, just this gold thingy.
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122. Oh, stab.
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123. What did you do that for?
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124. Eh, he was a jackass.
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125. And that was...
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126. - Trumeter.
- Yes, sir?
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127. I need that SLX report.
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128. SLX?
You know I don't have it, sir.
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129. Come again, Trumeter?
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130. Well the numbers
from the Fosters account
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131. haven't come back,
and Wendy's out—
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132. Trumeter, are you familiar
with the term
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133. - bottlenecking?
- Yes, sir, I am.
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134. Bottlenecking is
when the full productivity
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135. is halted by a person or a unit
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136. or a cog in a machine
like yourself
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137. that is unable
to continue the flow
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138. at the rate of the whole.
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139. Do you understand that,
Trumeter?
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140. I understand that, sir.
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141. Trumeter,
you are a bottlenecker.
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142. The mechanism is
bottlenecked by you, sir.
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143. As soon as I get the numbers
back I'll have it to you
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144. as soon as possible.
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145. As soon as possible.
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146. As soon as possible.
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147. Why are you shaking your head?
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148. Are you lying to me?
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149. Answer me, cog!
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150. As soon as possible.
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151. As soon as possible.
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152. Good day.
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153. Dude, you're a pussy.
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154. What are you doing?
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155. I was in enough
trouble as it was.
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156. Whatever.
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157. It's my first week on the job,
I'm not gonna push over the boss
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158. while I'm getting chewed out.
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159. Dude, let me
explain something to you.
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160. He likes that kind of shit.
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161. That's his thing.
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162. Believe me, he responds to it.
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163. All right, check this out,
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164. I didn't do my report either,
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165. and any second
he's gonna come in here,
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166. he's gonna give me
the same spiel
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167. he just gave you.
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168. When he does,
I need you to do me a solid,
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169. get down on
your hands and knees,
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170. and help me tip our boss over.
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171. Dude, no.
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172. Dude, do me a solid.
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173. I don't feel
comfortable with this.
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174. Don't you fuck me on this!
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175. Krager.
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176. Yeah, Mr. Williams?
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177. How many times am I
gonna have to ask you
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178. for your SLX report?
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179. Yeah, Mr. Williams,
it's like Trumeter said,
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180. Wendy's sick, I can't—
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181. I do not pay you to bottleneck,
Krager.
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182. I pay you to be a working part
in a machine.
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183. Okay, now,
if I have a pipe organ,
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184. and one of the keys is faulty,
Krager,
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185. and I'm trying to play Mozart
on it,
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186. it's gonna come out sounding
like Blues Traveler,
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187. and I don't wanna hear
Blues Traveler.
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188. I hate hippie music.
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189. Do you understand that?
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190. Do you catch my drift, man?
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191. Yes, absolutely, Mr. Williams.
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192. Okay, well you're a good kid,
Krager,
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193. I'm glad we had this talk.
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194. Trumeter!
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195. Oh, God, no.
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196. What in fuck's cunt are you
doing on the ground?
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197. I was just looking for
one of my—
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198. Not five minutes ago I told you
to have your report on my desk,
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199. and here I find you
on your hands and knees
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200. fuck-cumming about
like some sort of
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201. - slacker barnyard animal.
- I'm really sorry, sir.
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202. Trumeter, you are the most
worthless piece of
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203. - human garbage I have ever—
- Mr. Williams.
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204. - Yes, Krager, what is it?
- You got a booger on your tie.
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205. - A booger?
- Oh.
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206. You, you got...
I thought there was a booger,
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207. and you...
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208. - You know, you're all right.
- Ha.
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209. You get back to work!
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210. Oh, God, I'm gonna get fired.
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211. No, man, you just gotta own it.
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212. Did you see how I owned him
with the tie thing?
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213. He was fucking with me,
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214. I fucked with him right back,
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215. and he respected me for it, right?
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216. Yeah.
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217. That's how you gotta handle him.
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218. Okay, I'm gonna do you a solid.
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219. I'm gonna send an email
from your account.
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220. I'm gonna let him know that
your SLX report
Copy !req
221. is done and
ready to be picked up.
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222. When he comes in here,
I'm gonna get on my knees,
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223. you shove him over,
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224. everything's gonna be copasetic.
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225. - No, dude, don't—
- Send.
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226. Glad to hear you're on
the trolley, Trumeter,
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227. where is that SLX report?
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228. - Uh, you know, sir—
- Well hand it over, Trumeter.
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229. Well I...
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230. Just give me a moment.
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231. I don't have a moment,
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232. - I have a company to run!
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233. - What?
- Hello.
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234. Oh, God. Sir...
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235. Well, Trumeter,
it appears that word play
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236. can no longer properly express
your insubordination,
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237. and you have decided
that it has come to arms.
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238. Be that as it may,
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239. I will have you know
that I am very highly trained
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240. in the combative arts.
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241. I have a sensei,
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242. and therefore
I accept your challenge.
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243. I'm gonna fucking kill you.
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244. Sir, no. Krager.
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245. - Yeah, I'm on the phone.
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246. Let's go, Daddy.
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247. Mr. Williams?
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248. Yes, what is it, Mr. Brown?
I am very busy here.
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249. Well, yeah, uh,
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250. I spilled a bunch of
hot cocoa on your mail.
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251. Cocoa on the mail?
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252. Soppy mail?
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253. Soggy mail is not how we run
the machine with you cogs...
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254. Ow.
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255. You guys are a couple of jokers.
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256. 'Cause you know I love that.
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257. You get back to work!
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258. Hi, and welcome back
to the show.
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259. It's time for our
Entertainment Today mail bag.
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260. Charlene from Boise writes in
saying
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261. "I love Steve Buscemi,
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262. "but I haven't
seen him in my movies
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263. "or television shows lately.
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264. "Tell me, what's he been up to?"
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265. Thanks for your letter,
Charlene.
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266. We looked into it for you,
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267. and it turns out he's been busy
battling melanoma.
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268. Hey, look at that cloud.
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269. It's like a duck
playing the tuba.
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270. - Where?
- Right there.
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271. Oh, yeah.
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272. I see that.
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273. Check out that cloud,
it looks like Queen Elizabeth.
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274. Kinda.
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275. Oh, I see, I see.
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276. It moved,
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277. - but a second ago it did.
- Yeah.
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278. - A second ago it really did.
- Yeah.
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279. Oh, that cloud
looks like a pineapple.
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280. Okay, kind of.
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281. Yeah, I see that.
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282. Like with the leaves.
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283. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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284. Oh, check out that cloud,
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285. it looks like
the Rorschach test.
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286. - Which one?
- Uh, the one where the guy's
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287. holding the baby's head
underwater.
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288. Oh, yeah.
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289. Yeah, I see that.
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290. I see that.
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291. Hey, that cloud looks
like a portabella mushroom.
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292. Oh yeah, that cloud
totally looks like a mushroom.
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293. Oh, that reminds me,
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294. we should get going 'cause
the radiation's setting in,
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295. and that's
probably gonna mess us up.
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296. Oh, yeah. I'll try,
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297. but my legs got
blown off in the blast.
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298. Yeah.
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299. Fuck. Ugh!
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300. Fuck.
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301. Oh, you're gonna get it.
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302. Rue the day, rue the day!
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303. Mabel, get your fucking face
in the car!
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304. Oh, Clyde,
what a pleasant surprise.
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305. Are you picking me up from work?
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306. Get in the car!
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307. We're going to the place.
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308. Okay.
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309. Off we go, huh?
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310. Of all the fucking fucked-up
shit you could pull.
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311. You know,
Clyde, I am pretty tired,
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312. I could just take the bus home.
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313. No! I want you to see this.
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314. I want you to see
what you make me do.
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315. Okay.
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316. Oh, they've pruned all of those.
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317. How you folks doing today?
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318. Pretty good soon.
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319. - We're back.
- I see.
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320. And can I assume
you just want the usual?
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321. I'm gonna give my wife
a knuckle sandwich.
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322. Again with
the knuckle sandwiches.
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323. Every Thursday I ask Clyde
to take out the trash,
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324. and every time
he gets all huffy,
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325. and we have to come down here
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326. to the old
virtual reality center
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327. - so he can give me—
- I give her a knuckle sandwich.
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328. A knuckle sandwich, yes.
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329. And, you know,
I would be upset,
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330. but the thing is
he's always so relaxed
Copy !req
331. after these sessions.
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332. It's like he blows off
so much steam
Copy !req
333. whenever he gives me—
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334. A knuckle sandwich!
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335. Yes, a knuckle sandwich.
Copy !req
336. All right, well I'm sure
you folks know the drill by now.
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337. You just swipe the card,
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338. and put on the goggles.
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339. Here we go!
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340. Let's see what's on TV.
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341. Baseball.
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342. What?
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343. What's that honey?
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344. You want me to
take out the trash?
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345. How about you take a bite out
of my knuckle sandwich?
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346. Ha! He got me.
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347. Hi, honey, how are you?
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348. I'm fine, dear.
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349. Say, how 'bout on the way home
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350. we stop and get you
some ice cream?
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351. Girls like ice cream.
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352. It looks like it.
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353. Maybe on the way to
get ice cream,
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354. we can stop off
at the linen store.
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355. - One more, please.
- Golly.
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356. Fire it up.
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357. Okay, all right.
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358. One, two, three.
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359. Hi, we're all
spiritually fucked up here
Copy !req
360. because of capitalism.
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361. How are you?
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362. Excuse me?
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363. I'll be there at 7:30.
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364. Can you spare some change?
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365. Yeah, Dylan has the tickets.
Yeah, just a sec.
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366. Here you go.
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367. Oh, my God.
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368. Oh, my God.
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369. Did, did you feel that too?
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370. Yeah.
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371. It's like we've
known each other—
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372. Our whole lives.
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373. It's like we're—
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374. Soulmates.
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375. I never thought stuff
like this actually happened.
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376. I know.
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377. It's magical.
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378. - You look so amazing.
- Yeah.
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379. That's why I think we should
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380. do everything right,
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381. and not rush into anything.
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382. We'll just take this slow
Copy !req
383. because I think
we really have something here.
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384. I'll see ya later.
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385. Uh...
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386. Holy shit.
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387. That's original.
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