The Whitest Kids U' Know 2x9

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Invincible Kid Sniper Business Dogs Love Boobs! Greatest Conductor Alcoholic Husband The Complete Human History of the Last 10,000 Years in Seven Seconds Office Insubordination Entertainment Today T2 9-1-1 Cloud Watching Virtual Knuckle Sandwich Video Time Capsule for the Year 3000 Homeless Love at First Sight

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1. No, your mother just doesn't have faith in you.

2. You are invincible.

3. You just gotta believe.

4. Mr. Wellborn, I had a question about my...

5. Jenkins, get down.

6. What?

7. Get down, for god sakes.

8. Jenkins, you're a good kid.

9. How long you been with the company?

10. Uh, two years this May, sir.

11. I started this company 45 years ago.

12. Built this empire with my own bare hands.

13. And I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth either.

14. I started out in my father's tool shed.

15. I won't lie to you,

16. I had to claw my way to the top.

17. I might have stepped on a few fingers and toes.

18. Heck, I may have even slit a few throats along the way,

19. but that's business.

20. I forged this corporation with my own blood and sweat.

21. And it cost me two marriages, one heart attack,

22. and every weekend of my life

23. to get this company where it is today.

24. And this morning I walk into my office,

25. and the sons of bitches over at Bergman-Sachs

26. put a sniper on the roof.

27. Come again, sir?

28. A sniper.

29. Trained killer specializing in long distances.

30. Quiet, stealthy, but above all else patient.

31. Sir, I don't think they would put a sniper on their roof.

32. Sure they would. It's the right move.

33. They don't want this merger to go through

34. anymore than the Kiazuchis

35. but they've got the cojones to actually

36. do something about it.

37. That's why they're number two.

38. Let me show you why we're number one.

39. Slide me that case behind the couch.

40. You see, business is all about being able to adapt.

41. You gotta learn how to roll with the punches.

42. I'm gonna need you to pop up and give a 20 on him.

43. - What? - I know he's on the 75th floor,

44. but I can't figure out

45. if he's the third or fourth window from the left.

46. Uh, okay.

47. Now don't worry.

48. He's got a beat on me

49. so if you're quick he won't have enough time to readjust.

50. Now, go.

51. Oh, my God, you're right.

52. Oh, my God, you're right.

53. Holy smokes.

54. He's, uh, third window from the left.

55. Julie, could you send in one

56. of the interns, please?

57. You see, everything worthwhile takes sacrifice.

58. You'd be good to remember that.

59. You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.

60. More coffee, sir?

61. Jesus. Ah! Oh, my God.

62. You see, it takes about three and a half seconds

63. to reload and trace another target,

64. which gives me an adequate window

65. to fire off a couple rounds.

66. Pure business.

67. - And... - Oh, my God.

68. That is a kill.

69. You see, patience and sacrifice yield rewards.

70. Business.

71. That's probably them now.

72. It's Bergman-Sachs on the phone.

73. I'll bet they wanna talk.

74. Calvin, you son of a bitch,

75. nice try with that sniper.

76. Yeah, you took out one of my coffee boys.

77. I'll bet I scooped his head clear off.

78. Now let's get down to brass tacks.

79. This merger is going through

80. whether you like it or not.

81. But how much is it gonna cost

82. to keep you from tying things up in the trade commission?

83. Flash bomb.

84. - Jesus, God.

85. Jenkins, quiet down, I'm on the phone.

86. 10 percent is robbery, and you know that.

87. Meredith didn't even get five percent in the prenup.

88. What I'm saying is

89. five percent domestic, one percent international,

90. and that's my final offer.

91. You still there?

92. I'll bet we have a deal.

93. All right.

94. Say hello to the missus for me.

95. Uh-huh. I'll see you on the greens.

96. Business, plain and simple.

97. Now, what was it that you came in here for?

98. Um, my brother's getting married in two weeks,

99. and I was wondering if I could have that Friday

100. as a vacation day.

101. Would you sign my slip?

102. No.

103. Dogs Love Boobs!

104. He was the greatest conductor

105. the world had ever known,

106. commanding powerful performances all over the globe

107. until one day in a tragic car accident

108. his arms were ripped from his body.

109. Now, after years of rehabilitation

110. the unfortunately named Buttfart Rapedick

111. will take the stage once more

112. to lead the Philadelphia Philharmonic

113. in Ludwig van Beethoven's classic Seventh Symphony.

114. Honey.

115. I'm in, I'm in, I'm in the shower.

116. Baby, hey.

117. I want a divorce.

118. Hey, well maybe now my friends can come over!

119. And now...

120. Hey, what do you got there?

121. Oh, just this gold thingy.

122. Oh, stab.

123. What did you do that for?

124. Eh, he was a jackass.

125. And that was...

126. - Trumeter. - Yes, sir?

127. I need that SLX report.

128. SLX? You know I don't have it, sir.

129. Come again, Trumeter?

130. Well the numbers from the Fosters account

131. haven't come back, and Wendy's out—

132. Trumeter, are you familiar with the term

133. - bottlenecking? - Yes, sir, I am.

134. Bottlenecking is when the full productivity

135. is halted by a person or a unit

136. or a cog in a machine like yourself

137. that is unable to continue the flow

138. at the rate of the whole.

139. Do you understand that, Trumeter?

140. I understand that, sir.

141. Trumeter, you are a bottlenecker.

142. The mechanism is bottlenecked by you, sir.

143. As soon as I get the numbers back I'll have it to you

144. as soon as possible.

145. As soon as possible.

146. As soon as possible.

147. Why are you shaking your head?

148. Are you lying to me?

149. Answer me, cog!

150. As soon as possible.

151. As soon as possible.

152. Good day.

153. Dude, you're a pussy.

154. What are you doing?

155. I was in enough trouble as it was.

156. Whatever.

157. It's my first week on the job, I'm not gonna push over the boss

158. while I'm getting chewed out.

159. Dude, let me explain something to you.

160. He likes that kind of shit.

161. That's his thing.

162. Believe me, he responds to it.

163. All right, check this out,

164. I didn't do my report either,

165. and any second he's gonna come in here,

166. he's gonna give me the same spiel

167. he just gave you.

168. When he does, I need you to do me a solid,

169. get down on your hands and knees,

170. and help me tip our boss over.

171. Dude, no.

172. Dude, do me a solid.

173. I don't feel comfortable with this.

174. Don't you fuck me on this!

175. Krager.

176. Yeah, Mr. Williams?

177. How many times am I gonna have to ask you

178. for your SLX report?

179. Yeah, Mr. Williams, it's like Trumeter said,

180. Wendy's sick, I can't—

181. I do not pay you to bottleneck, Krager.

182. I pay you to be a working part in a machine.

183. Okay, now, if I have a pipe organ,

184. and one of the keys is faulty, Krager,

185. and I'm trying to play Mozart on it,

186. it's gonna come out sounding like Blues Traveler,

187. and I don't wanna hear Blues Traveler.

188. I hate hippie music.

189. Do you understand that?

190. Do you catch my drift, man?

191. Yes, absolutely, Mr. Williams.

192. Okay, well you're a good kid, Krager,

193. I'm glad we had this talk.

194. Trumeter!

195. Oh, God, no.

196. What in fuck's cunt are you doing on the ground?

197. I was just looking for one of my—

198. Not five minutes ago I told you to have your report on my desk,

199. and here I find you on your hands and knees

200. fuck-cumming about like some sort of

201. - slacker barnyard animal. - I'm really sorry, sir.

202. Trumeter, you are the most worthless piece of

203. - human garbage I have ever— - Mr. Williams.

204. - Yes, Krager, what is it? - You got a booger on your tie.

205. - A booger? - Oh.

206. You, you got... I thought there was a booger,

207. and you...

208. - You know, you're all right. - Ha.

209. You get back to work!

210. Oh, God, I'm gonna get fired.

211. No, man, you just gotta own it.

212. Did you see how I owned him with the tie thing?

213. He was fucking with me,

214. I fucked with him right back,

215. and he respected me for it, right?

216. Yeah.

217. That's how you gotta handle him.

218. Okay, I'm gonna do you a solid.

219. I'm gonna send an email from your account.

220. I'm gonna let him know that your SLX report

221. is done and ready to be picked up.

222. When he comes in here, I'm gonna get on my knees,

223. you shove him over,

224. everything's gonna be copasetic.

225. - No, dude, don't— - Send.

226. Glad to hear you're on the trolley, Trumeter,

227. where is that SLX report?

228. - Uh, you know, sir— - Well hand it over, Trumeter.

229. Well I...

230. Just give me a moment.

231. I don't have a moment,

232. - I have a company to run!

233. - What? - Hello.

234. Oh, God. Sir...

235. Well, Trumeter, it appears that word play

236. can no longer properly express your insubordination,

237. and you have decided that it has come to arms.

238. Be that as it may,

239. I will have you know that I am very highly trained

240. in the combative arts.

241. I have a sensei,

242. and therefore I accept your challenge.

243. I'm gonna fucking kill you.

244. Sir, no. Krager.

245. - Yeah, I'm on the phone.

246. Let's go, Daddy.

247. Mr. Williams?

248. Yes, what is it, Mr. Brown? I am very busy here.

249. Well, yeah, uh,

250. I spilled a bunch of hot cocoa on your mail.

251. Cocoa on the mail?

252. Soppy mail?

253. Soggy mail is not how we run the machine with you cogs...

254. Ow.

255. You guys are a couple of jokers.

256. 'Cause you know I love that.

257. You get back to work!

258. Hi, and welcome back to the show.

259. It's time for our Entertainment Today mail bag.

260. Charlene from Boise writes in saying

261. "I love Steve Buscemi,

262. "but I haven't seen him in my movies

263. "or television shows lately.

264. "Tell me, what's he been up to?"

265. Thanks for your letter, Charlene.

266. We looked into it for you,

267. and it turns out he's been busy battling melanoma.

268. Hey, look at that cloud.

269. It's like a duck playing the tuba.

270. - Where? - Right there.

271. Oh, yeah.

272. I see that.

273. Check out that cloud, it looks like Queen Elizabeth.

274. Kinda.

275. Oh, I see, I see.

276. It moved,

277. - but a second ago it did. - Yeah.

278. - A second ago it really did. - Yeah.

279. Oh, that cloud looks like a pineapple.

280. Okay, kind of.

281. Yeah, I see that.

282. Like with the leaves.

283. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

284. Oh, check out that cloud,

285. it looks like the Rorschach test.

286. - Which one? - Uh, the one where the guy's

287. holding the baby's head underwater.

288. Oh, yeah.

289. Yeah, I see that.

290. I see that.

291. Hey, that cloud looks like a portabella mushroom.

292. Oh yeah, that cloud totally looks like a mushroom.

293. Oh, that reminds me,

294. we should get going 'cause the radiation's setting in,

295. and that's probably gonna mess us up.

296. Oh, yeah. I'll try,

297. but my legs got blown off in the blast.

298. Yeah.

299. Fuck. Ugh!

300. Fuck.

301. Oh, you're gonna get it.

302. Rue the day, rue the day!

303. Mabel, get your fucking face in the car!

304. Oh, Clyde, what a pleasant surprise.

305. Are you picking me up from work?

306. Get in the car!

307. We're going to the place.

308. Okay.

309. Off we go, huh?

310. Of all the fucking fucked-up shit you could pull.

311. You know, Clyde, I am pretty tired,

312. I could just take the bus home.

313. No! I want you to see this.

314. I want you to see what you make me do.

315. Okay.

316. Oh, they've pruned all of those.

317. How you folks doing today?

318. Pretty good soon.

319. - We're back. - I see.

320. And can I assume you just want the usual?

321. I'm gonna give my wife a knuckle sandwich.

322. Again with the knuckle sandwiches.

323. Every Thursday I ask Clyde to take out the trash,

324. and every time he gets all huffy,

325. and we have to come down here

326. to the old virtual reality center

327. - so he can give me— - I give her a knuckle sandwich.

328. A knuckle sandwich, yes.

329. And, you know, I would be upset,

330. but the thing is he's always so relaxed

331. after these sessions.

332. It's like he blows off so much steam

333. whenever he gives me—

334. A knuckle sandwich!

335. Yes, a knuckle sandwich.

336. All right, well I'm sure you folks know the drill by now.

337. You just swipe the card,

338. and put on the goggles.

339. Here we go!

340. Let's see what's on TV.

341. Baseball.

342. What?

343. What's that honey?

344. You want me to take out the trash?

345. How about you take a bite out of my knuckle sandwich?

346. Ha! He got me.

347. Hi, honey, how are you?

348. I'm fine, dear.

349. Say, how 'bout on the way home

350. we stop and get you some ice cream?

351. Girls like ice cream.

352. It looks like it.

353. Maybe on the way to get ice cream,

354. we can stop off at the linen store.

355. - One more, please. - Golly.

356. Fire it up.

357. Okay, all right.

358. One, two, three.

359. Hi, we're all spiritually fucked up here

360. because of capitalism.

361. How are you?

362. Excuse me?

363. I'll be there at 7:30.

364. Can you spare some change?

365. Yeah, Dylan has the tickets. Yeah, just a sec.

366. Here you go.

367. Oh, my God.

368. Oh, my God.

369. Did, did you feel that too?

370. Yeah.

371. It's like we've known each other—

372. Our whole lives.

373. It's like we're—

374. Soulmates.

375. I never thought stuff like this actually happened.

376. I know.

377. It's magical.

378. - You look so amazing. - Yeah.

379. That's why I think we should

380. do everything right,

381. and not rush into anything.

382. We'll just take this slow

383. because I think we really have something here.

384. I'll see ya later.

385. Uh...

386. Holy shit.

387. That's original.