The Whitest Kids U' Know 2x8

1. - Morning, Mr. Nichols.

2. - How are we doing today? - Pretty good, pretty good.

3. - Good, good. - Are you a doctor?

4. - Yes, I am. - Okay.

5. And you are here for some cosmetic surgery,

6. - is that correct? - Yup.

7. I see, and what are the problem areas?

8. Ah, I want to have my face taken off

9. so that you remove the skin and muscle

10. so that my face is gone, and, instead,

11. I just have my skull as my face.

12. - What? - I want you to take

13. my face off, take like all this off.

14. I want you to take like my face off.

15. You want me to take your whole face off?

16. No, no, no, no, not the whole thing.

17. I want you to take off from here,

18. like take off all this, take off the skin,

19. take off the muscles, leave the eyeballs

20. so I can look around, like I can look around,

21. and then leave like the muscles down here,

22. like leave the jaw muscles so I can go like, "well,"

23. like, "well."

24. I don't understand.

25. Like leave the muscles here, like here, and here

26. so I can still open my mouth

27. like I can still open my mouth

28. and go like, "well," like in a song like, "well."

29. You know, how songs begin like,

30. Labor Day.

31. Wait a minute, do you want me to cut your face off

32. so that you can pitch yourself as a mascot

33. in some sort of car commercial?

34. Yup, I'm the Grim Dealer,

35. and if you don't buy a used car or truck from me,

36. then you're better off dead.

37. Okay, I don't think you need to cut your face off to do that.

38. No, I do 'cause of the part in the song where it's like.

39. I'm just not gonna do it.

40. Oh, come on.

41. - No, it's not safe. - Please?

42. - No. - Please?

43. - No, sir. - Come on.

44. - No. - Please?

45. - Okay, fine. Yes.

46. Oh, my God, the ship's taking on water.

47. This is the end of the Esmeralda!

48. I'd say we have 20 or 30 minutes left

49. before we're completely submerged!

50. All the life boats and life vests are gone!

51. They were taken out in the explosion, dammit!

52. All we can do now is pray to God

53. that the ship's maintenance man can repair the damage.

54. Well, Clark's in there right now.

55. Clark. Clark.

56. Clark, Clark, Clark, Clark, Clark.

57. Well, it's definitely the fuel pump.

58. What does that mean?

59. Can you fix it, Clark?

60. Yeah, let me just go get my fuel pump factory.

61. No, it's shot.

62. - Oh, God no. - Oh.

63. I'm surprised you guys made it this far.

64. I don't know why you guys decided to go out

65. into open water with that fuel pump.

66. I've seen boats 12 years older than this one

67. with much better internal workings.

68. So what do we do?

69. Well, you're supposed to change your fuel pump

70. every four years.

71. That's why these things happen.

72. Okay, Clark, can you fix it?

73. I'm working on it.

74. My God, I hope he can fix that pump.

75. Ah, the water's coming through the door.

76. Radio for help!

77. No, the radio's completely fried.

78. We're all gonna die!

79. And we're way off of our charted course.

80. No one's gonna think to look for us here!

81. Clark!

82. Clark, Clark, Clark, Clark, Clark, Clark, Clark.

83. I don't know what you guys

84. were planning on doing if I wasn't here.

85. Did you fix it, Clark?

86. No.

87. Then what are you doing?

88. I'm taking a break.

89. Clark, this is important.

90. Do you want to go try to fix it?

91. I mean, I'm sure you know your way

92. around a class-five yacht's boiler room.

93. I'm sure you pick that up in passenger school.

94. Clark, we might die.

95. Yeah, you might,

96. 'cause you don't practice good boiler maintenance.

97. I'm gonna go back to work.

98. Oh, my God, the water's up to our knees now!

99. I never said goodbye to my family.

100. So much more I wanted to accomplish.

101. Dear God, please steady Clark's hand

102. and give him a keen eye so that he might be—

103. Hey, come here.

104. I wanna show you something.

105. - What? - Come here.

106. - What?

107. You know what this is?

108. - This is your insulator ring. - What?

109. See how worn through that is right there?

110. - It looks bad. - Yeah, it looks bad.

111. That's 12 years of damage.

112. This is what a normal insulator ring looks like.

113. You see that?

114. See the difference?

115. Well, Clark, why don't you replace

116. the bad insulator ring with a good insulator ring?

117. That's a great idea, passenger,

118. 'cause I'm sure that when we take the new insulator ring

119. and put it where the other one was,

120. it's gonna magically undo all the damage from the explosion

121. when the first one wore through.

122. Okay, Clark, we don't know anything

123. about insulator rings or fuel pumps.

124. - That's your job. - Yeah, that's my job.

125. But you do realize that we are,

126. literally, in the same boat here.

127. I don't quite think we're in the same boat.

128. What?

129. You're gonna die, too, if this thing sinks.

130. Oh, so, now, you're doing me a favor?

131. That's not what I was saying.

132. I'm gonna go back to work, okay?

133. We need to turn off the electricity

134. to the main cabin before we all get electrocuted.

135. No, the switch is in the foreign compartment.

136. It's completely flooded with water.

137. Do we have any flares?

138. We could fire one out the porthole.

139. All the flares are soaked through.

140. Besides, there's no one around for miles to see us anyways.

141. Oh, God, please hurry, Clark.

142. It's almost too late.

143. Clark, please tell me that means that you fixed it.

144. The problem's not just the fuel pump.

145. All the pipes in the filtration system have corroded.

146. - Oh, God. - But that's my specialty.

147. - So you fixed it? - Not exactly.

148. Clark, is the boat gonna stop sinking?

149. Eventually.

150. Clark, are we all gonna die?

151. Everyone's gonna die.

152. No fuel-pump technician in the world's

153. gonna help you out with that one.

154. That's between you and the big JC.

155. Clark, can you save the ship or not?

156. Well, that is what you hired me to do.

157. So you did?

158. But you can hire all the repairmen in the world,

159. and it's not gonna keep your ship from sinking

160. unless you practice proper maintenance

161. of its inner workings.

162. - So you didn't? - I did not say that.

163. So you did?

164. And I most certainly did not say that.

165. Son of a bitch, Clark!

166. Truth of the matter is there's no point.

167. It's gonna cost you more in parts and labor

168. to fix the thing than just replace the whole system,

169. and I don't do installation.

170. So we're gonna drown.

171. I normally don't do installation.

172. So you will?

173. - And tonight is no exception.

174. I'm gonna be honest with you guys.

175. You're probably gonna be drowning in a couple of minutes.

176. There's a lot of ways to kick the bucket.

177. Drowning's probably the worst,

178. a lot of pain, a lot of waiting.

179. Oh, sweet God.

180. There's a paring knife right over there.

181. If I were you guys, I'd take the easy way out.

182. He's right, though.

183. Studies have shown that drowning

184. is like the most horrible way to die.

185. What's the best?

186. - I heard stomach cancer. - I think that's true.

187. I don't wanna drown, but I can't kill myself.

188. Darling, I need you to do it.

189. No, I could never.

190. I'll do it, where's the knife?

191. Just hold on a second.

192. All right, I'll do it.

193. Okay.

194. You look at me.

195. - I love you. - I love you.

196. Okay, wait for me.

197. Wait for me at the gates.

198. I'll be right behind you.

199. Okay, stab hard enough to get through my sternum.

200. Don't take your eyes off of me.

201. Okay.

202. Harder, harder.

203. - Oh, God.

204. Well, I fixed it.

205. Turns out it was just unplugged.

206. What?

207. Well, not unplugged.

208. It was plugged into a power strip,

209. but the power strip was turned off.

210. So at first glance, looked like it was plugged in.

211. Geez, what happened to her?

212. Hope that was stomach cancer.

213. Well, that about wraps it up folks, goodnight.

214. - Fuck you. - Wraps what up?

215. Nothing, don't worry about it.

216. This service is no longer available.

217. happened, and there's been an explosion

218. in the suburb of Paris,

219. somewhere known as Overcome.

220. Hey, how's it going, Grandma?

221. It's going pretty good here, Sammy, boo.

222. That's good, that's good.

223. A number of other people

224. say the police were treated for shock.

225. Grandma, did you poop on the floor?

226. What?

227. Grandma, is that your poo on the floor?

228. What is the what?

229. Your poo on the floor—

230. did you make a poop on the floor, Grandma?

231. I poop in the toilet.

232. Why would I poop on the floor?

233. No, Grandma, you pooed on the floor.

234. Look at it, it's right there!

235. Well, that doesn't look like people poop to me.

236. That looks like doggy poop.

237. No, it looks like grandma poop

238. on account of the medication.

239. Well, I don't remember pooping on the floor.

240. Yeah, of course you don't remember pooping on the floor.

241. You have Alzheimer's, Grandma.

242. Oh.

243. Well, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry.

244. Sorry's not gonna clean it up, Grandma, so chop-chop.

245. Let's get a rag and a mop, all right, come on.

246. Okay, I'm going.

247. It's just so hard getting off of this couch.

248. It's gross, it smells.

249. Ugh, I don't wanna look at it.

250. I'm just fucking with you, Grandma.

251. So I didn't poop on the floor?

252. No, the dog did.

253. And I don't have Alzheimer's?

254. No, you have Alzheimer's, Grandma.

255. That's why you're so wicked gullible all the time.

256. Oh.

257. So what you watching?

258. Oh, the newsman's on.

259. The newsman, huh?

260. What's the newsman have to say?

261. Well, some terrorists blew up some embassy over in France.

262. The bomb, the car itself is reported

263. to be badly damaged.

264. A number of cars alongside are also reported—

265. Grandma, what'd you do?

266. What?

267. You blew up an embassy?

268. No, I would not, the terrorists did that.

269. You killed like 36 people!

270. How would I, Sam?

271. I saw you.

272. I saw you, with my eyes, get up,

273. get outta your couch, go over to France,

274. you got undressed, you slut,

275. and then you blew up the embassy with your mind!

276. Well, why would I ever do that?

277. I'm not finished!

278. And then you came back here, you got dressed,

279. you pooed on the floor.

280. Someone pooped on the floor?

281. You pooped on the floor!

282. You pooped on the floor, Grandma,

283. and then you turned on the TV

284. to watch your deadly deeds unfold.

285. Oh, well, I'm sorry, Sammy.

286. It's okay, just don't think of me

287. or you'll blow me up with your mind powers.

288. - No, I'm not. - All right, don't— oh!

289. I'm not thinking of you, Sammy.

290. - Sammy, no, no Sammy!

291. - I'm not thinking—

292. I'm just fucking with you, Grandma, come on.

293. Do you have that 20 bucks you owe me?

294. - I guess so. - Yeah.

295. Hand it over, thank you.

296. Watch out for that tiger.

297. Tiger?

298. Here in the house?

299. What kind of tiger?

300. Tiger Woods, golfing, it's my birthday...

301. Dude, you're really mean to your grandmother.

302. It's not my grandma,

303. that's just some lady that leaves her door open.

304. Probably have all...

305. Oh, that is cool.

306. Let's go.

307. Tiger, Tiger Woods?

308. Oh, boy, it's time to autoerotic-asphyxiate myself.

309. My penis sure is in for a treat.

310. All right, got the noose, and here we go.

311. Okay, there we are.

312. Oh, this feels great.

313. This is amazing.

314. Uh-oh, oh, I'm about to finish.

315. I'm about to splooge.

316. Here we go!

317. - Yeah!

318. What, wait a minute, what's going on?

319. There's my body, but why am I...

320. I died!

321. Oh, no! I can't die like that.

322. Oh, that's the most embarrassing way you could possibly die.

323. I've gotta do something.

324. I've gotta pull my pants up.

325. Ghost hands.

326. They can't do anything.

327. What am I gonna do?

328. Okay, think, think, think, think.

329. Okay, I'll try to use my ghost energy

330. to try to affect things in the real world.

331. Okay, here we go, ghost energy.

332. Ah, ah, how do we work it?

333. Come on, move the hand.

334. Move, ah, it's working.

335. Okay, good, okay, good.

336. Swing, okay, good, okay.

337. Ah, ah, it's working, great.

338. Swing, okay, good.

339. Now, pull up your pants.

340. - Pull up your...

341. Ah, it went up my butt.

342. It went right up my butt.

343. That's worse than before.

344. Oh, what am I gonna do?

345. Come on, Trevor, it's Timmy,

346. and we have a show to do.

347. Oh, no, tonight's the night of the big show!

348. Come on, tonight's the night of the big show!

349. What are you doing in there, Trevor?

350. Ah, nothing, nothing.

351. Don't come in here.

352. Ah, ghost voice, he can't hear me.

353. All right, enough fooling around, Trevor.

354. I guess I'll just walk right in.

355. No, no, no, no, don't come in,

356. don't come in, don't come in.

357. - No, no. - Oh, my God.

358. Trevor killed himself, with his wiener hanging out

359. and his thumb up his butt.

360. Oh, you noticed.

361. Timmy, be a pal, help me out.

362. Conceal my embarrassment.

363. Pull my pants up.

364. Pull my thumb out.

365. Don't let people see me like this.

366. - What are you...

367. - Now, don't take pictures.

368. Timmy, stop taking pictures.

369. Help me down.

370. Knock, knock, Associated Press here.

371. I like to do a story on the big show, if I may.

372. Oh, no, the press.

373. Timmy, tell them to go away.

374. - Come on in, man. - No, no, no, no, no.

375. Just need to get a couple of shots...

376. Oh, my God, that's humiliating.

377. Mind if I get a couple of photos?

378. Say no.

379. That's what I'm doing, man.

380. - Go ahead. - Oh!

381. All right.

382. - No, no, no, stop.

383. Oh, this is gonna sell millions.

384. - Stop.

385. You know what would make a really good picture?

386. We should put some gay porn under his arm.

387. No, that's a horrible idea.

388. - That's a great idea!

389. Just a second.

390. - No, no, no, no, no! - All right.

391. - No, stop! - Did you notice

392. his thumb's in his butt?

393. - Timmy! - No kidding.

394. - What a scoop. - Yeah!

395. Trevor, it's your mother.

396. I know how much you like soup before the big show...

397. Oh, my God, my son's a gay.

398. Check it out, lady.

399. His thumb's in his butt.

400. You know, I always suspected.

401. You did?

402. Trevor. - Oh!

403. Yes?

404. - This is God. - Oh, no.

405. Do you regret the decisions you've made

406. - with your life? - Yes, yes,

407. more than anything.

408. Now that you've learned your lesson,

409. would you like a second chance?

410. Yes, yes, please, please.

411. - Very well.

412. I'm alive.

413. What were you doing?

414. Oh, no!

415. - Trevor, you're a pervert. - Oh.

416. You pretended to be dead with your wiener hanging out

417. and your thumb up your butt so we'd take pictures of you?

418. - Gross. - No, this isn't fair.

419. You were supposed to gimme a second chance.

420. What are you talking about?

421. You were supposed to send me back in time.

422. I wish you were dead, you crazy queen!

423. - Oh.

424. Press Secretary, Press Secretary.

425. Okay, thank you for waiting.

426. The president has asked me to come out,

427. and make a brief statement about the wire

428. that just went out a couple minutes ago.

429. To make things short, I will just confirm

430. that, yes, we do have a moon base,

431. and, yes, we are currently experiencing some bear problems.

432. Now, I will open it up if there are any questions.

433. Mr. Press Secretary, Mr. Press Secretary,

434. - Mr. Press Secretary?

435. You, Artie, New York Times.

436. Yes, I have a 10, no, 11-part question.

437. I'm sorry, I only have time for two.

438. All right, let me get this straight.

439. So the United States government

440. is admitting that we do have a moon base,

441. and that there's a bear problem on said moon base.

442. Yes, that is correct.

443. All right, follow up question.

444. - Are you fucking with us?

445. No, we are not, and I would like to remind everyone

446. to keep the language civilized.

447. This is the White House.

448. Ah, excuse me, Mr. Secretary, Bob Daniels, Newsweek.

449. Mr. Daniels.

450. How long have we had the moon base

451. and are these bears Earth bears or are they from the moon?

452. I'm sorry, I'm not at liberty to disclose

453. how long we have had this moon base at this time.

454. We do believe these to be earth bears.

455. We have no reason to believe

456. these to be lunar bears or even Saturn bears.

457. Todd Albright, PBS, there're Saturn bears?

458. I'm also not at liberty to go

459. into the various types of woodland life forms

460. on Saturn or any of the other 12 planets.

461. Nine planets.

462. Right, I've said too much already.

463. What I can show you is the images

464. that have been beamed down to us

465. from the Odyssey satellite system

466. just a couple hours ago.

467. This is the view out of the front door

468. of the United States' secret moon base.

469. This was taken yesterday

470. before we discovered the bear problem,

471. and this one was taken just a couple hours ago.

472. So as you can see, bears everywhere.

473. Mr. Jackson.

474. Yeah, those bears appear to have guns and motorcycles.

475. We believe they may be involved

476. in some sort of intergalactic drug cartel,

477. perhaps affiliated

478. with one of the interstellar wizard alliances.

479. - Wizard alliances? - Yes, next question.

480. Just a thought, more of a shot in the dark,

481. but we wouldn't happen to be invading Iran today, would we?

482. - You got me. - Oh.

483. - You got me. - I fell for it.

484. I fell for it.

485. You almost got away with that one.

486. - You're good. - Ah, no, I went too far.

487. I almost had it.

488. I should have stopped after the slides.

489. I knew I should have stopped there.

490. I didn't think anything about it

491. until the cartel thing, and I was like, "What?"

492. Okay, all right, let's forget this whole thing.

493. Who wants a drink?

494. First round's on me, come on!

495. Yeah! - Jinx.

496. Good morning, Dad.

497. By now, I bet you're wondering,

498. "Where are those pesky car keys?"

499. Well, that is a riddle

500. that you'll have to get to the bottom of

501. by following a series of clues that I have left for you.

502. If you look to the ground,

503. you'll notice a maze of colored twine.

504. One of these strings leads to the next clue, but beware.

505. The other ones lead to dead ends.

506. I don't have fucking time for this.

507. Which color should you choose?

508. I'll give you a hint.

509. It's the color of mother's birthstone.

510. So pick a string and stop the tape.

511. Well, I see you found the mirror,

512. but are probably asking yourself,

513. "Well, what good is this mirror if I can't find that troublesome

514. - backwards map?" Morning, Dad,

515. - Well, Pa, do you mean... - I see you're on your quest.

516. Where the fuck are my keys?

517. - this map? That's right. Ow, Dad, ow!

518. - Your own son is the clue you'll Where are they?

519. - need to solve this caper. - I don't have time for this!

520. So stop the tape, and come up to my room.

521. Ow! Tell me where they are!

522. Tell me where the fucking keys are!

523. Well, Dad,

524. - I'm glad we solved the riddle - I don't fucking care

525. - of the missing keys together. - about the fucking quest!

526. - I guess all of this - Where the fuck are the keys?

527. - is just my way of saying... Dad!

528. - I wanna spend more time Where are the keys?

529. - with you. Ow, ow, ow, ow!

530. Seems like I just don't get to see

531. - a lot of you anymore.

532. - And I miss you, Dad. Ow, Dad!

533. - If you feel the same way

534. about me, then stop the tape, and come up to my room

535. - and gimme a hug.

536. Where are the fucking keys?

537. - Holy shit!