The Whitest Kids U' Know 2x7

1. Oh no, dude.

2. Oh, he's got me. He's got me.

3. Oh, he's pushing you into the tub.

4. He's kissing me.

5. - Oh. - He's kissing me.

6. Oh, this is a really hard game.

7. Guys. Guys.

8. There are naked women falling from the skies. Come on!

9. - Awesome.

10. - Oh, my God. - Oh.

11. - Whoa. - Hi.

12. - It's like a dream. - Hi.

13. Look at their boobs.

14. What?

15. It's the best day ever.

16. I am so happy right now.

17. You know, I feel really good about this project.

18. I just hope one of the major studios goes for it.

19. Oh, everybody's gonna want this.

20. You're gonna have a bidding war on your hands.

21. - Hey, what is that?

22. Pigs in a blanket.

23. Oh. Thank you.

24. I mean, I've never seen anything like it.

25. Well, it's about an invisible dog.

26. And might I say, there's your title.

27. Oh, excuse me. What is this?

28. - This is Tar Toast. - Oh, thank you.

29. What am I— what the?

30. Hey buddy. What the hell, man?

31. - What? - What do you mean what?

32. What the hell is this?

33. It's Tar Toast. I just said that.

34. This is not edible.

35. No, it's tar on toast.

36. What? Did you eat it?

37. Yeah, I ate it. You served it to me.

38. - Whoa. I served it to you? - Yeah.

39. What is that, like street tar?

40. Yeah, it's like street tar.

41. Why did you eat it?

42. Because you told me to.

43. What is wrong with you, man? You asked me what this was.

44. I said it was tar toast,

45. and then you put it in your mouth and you ate it.

46. Well, I thought like tar toast was like, you know

47. how mud cookies or peanut butter,

48. ants on a log or something.

49. Look man, I don't know who you are.

50. I don't know what your deal is.

51. I'm just gonna leave. All right?

52. No, no. I wanna talk to your manager.

53. I don't work here, man. I'm not your servant.

54. Then why are you carrying around a tray?

55. That's none of your business!

56. Why are you wearing that suit?

57. Why are you wearing that suit?

58. Oh, man, you know, I feel nauseous.

59. I think I'm gonna be sick.

60. Yeah, you are. You ate street tar.

61. Hey, what is that?

62. - It's tar toast. - Ugh.

63. Yeah. See?

64. Not a jackass.

65. You? Jackass.

66. I'm gonna have to go to the hospital.

67. Yeah, you will, 'cause you have tar in your stomach.

68. - Tar you gave me! - Tar you took

69. without asking, after I told you what it was.

70. Why?

71. Why would you walk around a party with a tray

72. of tar on toast?

73. Who does that? Are you on drugs?

74. Am I on drugs? You're eating street tar, man.

75. Do you know what?

76. - You're an asshole, man. - Oh, nice.

77. Yeah, you're a fucking asshole.

78. - Nice, nice.

79. Hi, Harold. You're up early.

80. Yeah, I thought I'd get an early jump on the day

81. and finally start writing that book

82. I'm always talking about.

83. A book. What's it about?

84. It's called, "10 Easy Steps

85. to Having the Perfect Relationship."

86. You're writing a book about how

87. to have the perfect relationship.

88. Are we gonna do this right now?

89. Do you seriously want to do this

90. before the kids have even left for school?

91. Fucking hit me, Harold.

92. - Just fucking hit me, okay? - Oh, you don't think I won't?

93. No, I know you won't.

94. You know how I know?

95. 'Cause you're a fucking pussy!

96. - Step across this line. - A fucking pussy.

97. Mom, I need money for lu—

98. Are you and dad fighting again?

99. No, no, no, no, no, no. We're just—

100. Fuck the both of you!

101. I'm fucking sick of this shit.

102. I'm gonna Grandma's house.

103. You stay away from that drunk whore!

104. Tell that fucking cunt to die!

105. - Chapter one.

106. Accept your spouse for all their flaws, no matter

107. how numerous they may be.

108. Hi, Betty. It's me, Carol.

109. Yeah. Guess what?

110. Harold's writing a book on how

111. to have a successful relationship.

112. Yeah, yeah. Crazy day here.

113. I'm thinking about writing a book, too.

114. It's called, "How to Be a Drunk Asshole,

115. Lose Your Job, And Go Nowhere in Life!"

116. Bring that ugly bitch face here

117. so I can cut it off!

118. I will fucking bleed you, Harry!

119. - I will bleed you— - Can I borrow the keys to the—

120. Oh shit, if one of you fucking touches me,

121. I'm calling Social Services.

122. Dial that number, it'll be the last call you ever make.

123. I fucking hate both of you!

124. Harlot!

125. Son of a bitch, Harold!

126. You bought the diet eggnog again!

127. He's a new VP.

128. I've never met him personally,

129. but I hear he's a great guy.

130. I think he's gonna be all over this project.

131. Well, I hope so. No one likes my idea.

132. Oh, my God.

133. - Well. - Shit.

134. Hi, how are ya?

135. You're the new VP?

136. Yep, and let me just say, right off the bat,

137. this is a stapler.

138. Those are pens, and you'll be sitting on chairs,

139. none of which are edible.

140. You know I was in the hospital for 10 days.

141. Well, you took street tar and you put it inside your body.

142. And here we go again.

143. So I guess I should just pitch this thing and get it over with.

144. Yeah, let's pitch this thing.

145. Well, it's about a dog.

146. You know what? Don't like it.

147. - Right. - Thanks very much

148. - for your time. - Thanks for coming by.

149. Can I just ask you one thing?

150. I'd love that.

151. Why?

152. Why were you carrying around a tray of tar at that party?

153. What is it with you and this tar thing, man?

154. - What is it with me? - Get outta my office.

155. He's been having a really tough time lately.

156. I was in the hospital!

157. Out!

158. Ah, a quiet evening at home.

159. My pipe, my slippers, the wife, the game.

160. Honey, I went to get that lump checked out

161. at the hospital today,

162. - and they told me— - I said,

163. a quiet evening at home.

164. Pipe, slippers, wife, game.

165. Don't want to hear about

166. what happened in your stupid soap opera.

167. Well, I guess I'll just email you about the lump.

168. Thank you.

169. Swing and a miss. Oh.

170. Daddy, I'm back from my date.

171. Oh, it's daddy's little girl.

172. How was your date with that boy you have a crush on?

173. He's not just a boy I have a crush on, Daddy.

174. His name's D'Artagnan. And we're getting engaged.

175. What?

176. D'Artagnan and I are getting married, Daddy.

177. And we're going to live under the ocean.

178. Live under the ocean?

179. Yes, D'Artagnan thinks the sea is beautiful and poetic

180. and we're going to live in it.

181. What do you mean, live in the ocean?

182. Ocean floor, Daddy, we're gonna live on the ocean floor.

183. I knew you wouldn't understand.

184. You can't live on the ocean floor.

185. Yes I can, Daddy.

186. I'm 19 years old and you can't control me anymore.

187. It's not about controlling you. It's basic biology.

188. You can't breathe underwater.

189. I can't breathe without D'Artagnan.

190. - That is stupid. - Honey.

191. You just don't like D'Artagnan.

192. It's not that I don't like D'Artagnan.

193. It's that you can't survive without oxygen.

194. We'll survive off of love, Daddy, you taught me that.

195. You told me that when you and Mom moved to Brooklyn

196. after graduation, you had no jobs

197. and you had no place to stay.

198. And there were times when you thought you wouldn't make it

199. at all, but you clung to each other and you had each other

200. and it was love that got you through.

201. We still had air.

202. We still have love!

203. - You are retarded. - Honey!

204. Mom, Dad, Sea Biscuit.

205. So did you tell them the news?

206. Uh, the news about you two geniuses

207. defying every law of nature

208. and just being all-around morons?

209. Yeah, she was just bringing me up to speed on that.

210. Well, Mr. G, do I have your blessing

211. to take your daughter's hand in marriage,

212. and go live underwater with her?

213. Okay, let me start small.

214. D'Artagnan, what exactly makes you want to live underwater?

215. Whales are beautiful creatures.

216. True, fair, fair. They are.

217. But so are many other creatures, such as, i.e. deer.

218. Fur is murder!

219. Planet's only on loan to us, dude.

220. Okay, I'm gonna skip logic.

221. Nancy, I forbid you to live underwater.

222. I knew you were gonna say something like that, Daddy.

223. You just don't like D'Artagnan

224. because he never graduated high school

225. and he only likes to do me doggy-style.

226. Ah!

227. And no, this has nothing to do

228. with D'Artagnan not finishing high school.

229. Although that may explain why he wants to take you

230. and go live under liquid.

231. Look, Mr. G, there's some smarts you can't find in books

232. like Sea Smarts.

233. And I'll tell you something my Sea Smarts recognize,

234. that when I look at your daughter,

235. I see something more than just someone

236. to do doggy-style to.

237. Ah!

238. I see a beautiful tulip opening, blossoming,

239. and just when you think it can't get any more beautiful,

240. you look inside and what do you see?

241. Golden diamonds, golden sea diamonds.

242. And then on the back of each one are little vaginas.

243. That's what I see when I look at your daughter.

244. Mr. G, I know when you look in Mrs. G's eyes,

245. you know you're gonna be with her

246. for years and years to come.

247. Well, actually, the doctor said I only

248. have four to six months left—

249. Woman, there's a conversation going on. Quiet!

250. New tactic.

251. I ran into an evil wizard today

252. and he told me that if you two went to live underwater,

253. something would probably come and kill you.

254. Daddy. That is ridiculous.

255. No, babe. I heard about something like this before.

256. Some dude died.

257. Now this wizard, did he have a beard?

258. Oh, yeah. Big, long beard.

259. And he had a staff and a hat with lots of planets on it.

260. - Sounds legit. - Yep. Yep.

261. And he told me that if you disobeyed your father

262. and you two went to live underwater,

263. then something would probably come and eat you

264. and you'd stop being in love.

265. - I don't wanna be eaten! - I don't wanna not be in love!

266. I mean not be in love!

267. You said you didn't wanna be eaten.

268. - No, baby. - You're more afraid

269. of being eaten than falling out of love with me!

270. I can't believe I almost married you.

271. I guess I'm just gonna just go.

272. Ah. A quiet evening at home.

273. Honey, I have breast cancer.

274. Am I the only one in this family that's not stupid?

275. You can't get cancer in your breast. There's no bone there.

276. Darryl Churchim

277. was a mild-mannered scientist surfer

278. who was out one day trying to catch some waves

279. when an underwater experiment went haywire

280. and he was bitten by a radioactive tiger shark.

281. He quickly became fused with the aquatic beast's powers

282. and now roams the earth as Shark Man.

283. Alright boys, double time.

284. As soon as we crack this safe,

285. we'll have all the gold in the entire world.

286. Not so fast!

287. Shark Man!

288. Your bank-robbing days are over, Crime Man.

289. - But how'd you find us? - I used my sharky senses.

290. Now get ready to taste the fins of justice.

291. What are you doing?

292. I have to pump my lungs up

293. every couple of minutes.

294. On account of the shark bite.

295. Hold on.

296. Okay, now where was I?

297. Oh yeah, I'm gonna take the air out of your plan.

298. Uh oh.

299. Now what?

300. I have to drain my waste every couple of hours.

301. - Oh, gross! - You see,

302. I have no large or small intestines

303. due to the shark bite, so I have an alarm

304. that goes off every couple hours when my bag is full.

305. - That is just foul! - My god,

306. I'm getting out of here.

307. What?

308. Curse you, Shark Man!

309. Oh, Susie, I'm glad you're still up.

310. Happy birthday. How are you?

311. Oh, wow. Look at all— this is your party.

312. You got presents everywhere.

313. Oh, how's your, how's it hanging?

314. How's your, how's your party?

315. So the big birthday girl, October 16,

316. and the year of our Lord, another year mark

317. on the tree stump,

318. another year closer to the void.

319. Did I get you anything? Well that's why I'm here.

320. Your mom's mad at me and wants me to come

321. and talk to you about the present.

322. So here's the thing.

323. Remember how you said you wanted a pony for your birthday?

324. You said you wanted a pony.

325. You said everything, more in the world and everything else,

326. you wanted a pony. Well I...

327. being a good dad, being a good father,

328. got you a pony.

329. Went upstate, to a farm upstate in Buffalo,

330. went and got a pony, picked it out.

331. His name's Buttercup.

332. You can call him whatever you want, though.

333. 'cause you're Daddy's little girl.

334. Name it whatever you want.

335. You name it, you know, Crap, I don't even care.

336. So last night, Dad was at his office party thing.

337. You know, he said he was going to,

338. and had— had a drink or two.

339. Fair. Fair.

340. But still was, was cool, you know,

341. like was cool, like can handle a buzz, but was driving home

342. and I forgot...

343. that I was keeping your pony in the garage.

344. Slipped my mind.

345. So anyway, I just, I just pulled in like vroom,

346. and the pony's like, "Ah!" you know,

347. but I tapped your pony.

348. Daddy bumped your pony.

349. Your pony's dead basically, is what I'm trying to say.

350. So your mom was mad and I thought I'd come down

351. and tell you like a man, like a father,

352. and just own up,

353. 'cause when you make a mistake, you just express it.

354. So I hit your pony.

355. I'm sorry. I bought it for you in the first place.

356. I can do that. I'm a dad.

357. Now the question is, and well your mom

358. and I don't, aren't at an understanding on this.

359. I say yes, your mom says no, but I think yes,

360. 'cause you're a cool girl.

361. I think you're a cool girl, you know?

362. And here's, here it is. I'll just lay it out.

363. Do you wanna see your pony? 'Cause it's yours.

364. It's your pony. Pony Buttercup.

365. It's your pony. You own it.

366. I just don't know if you want to see it

367. because I mean, it's cute.

368. It's just dead, too.

369. You know, come to think of it, you're gonna have

370. to see it anyway because you're gonna have to move it.

371. Bury it.

372. This is when you have a pet, you have a responsibility.

373. I remember when we talked about you having a pet, you said

374. that you, you promise you'd clean up after it

375. and you probably didn't think you'd have to clean up

376. after it so much so soon.

377. But a deal's a deal, right, kiddo?

378. I'm gonna bring around the John Deere.

379. I'm gonna leave it running. I'll tell you how to use it.

380. Tell you all the buttons and levers

381. and then you can just kind of, like, nudge it into

382. whatever hole you dig.

383. But you're gonna wanna do it soon

384. because it's pretty hot in the garage.

385. So the thing's swelling, it's getting ripe, you know?

386. And you want— you're gonna wanna move it

387. before you have two messes to clean up.

388. 'cause it— it may break in the middle from,

389. from how hard I hit it.

390. And... I'm done.

391. So I love you. I'm sorry I didn't go to your thing.

392. And what are you gonna do? Sometimes people disappoint you.

393. I will be better next year. I promise.

394. I'm gonna go take a nap now. Keep your chin up.

395. It works if you work it.

396. Don't touch the television,

397. 'cause I'm TiVo-ing something.

398. So goodnight. I love you.

399. See you later. Happy birthday.

400. Hey, Trevor. What's up?

401. I was just reading about 9/11.

402. - Yeah. - That stuff was so,

403. - what happened. - I know.

404. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

405. Let's go get the time machine.

406. - Yeah.

407. Says here, the guy we're looking for

408. looks like Saddam Hussein.

409. Look, that's him.

410. Hey buddy.

411. Your 9/11-ing days are over.

412. Oh, my god, that was so awesome.

413. When you pushed that terrorist guy's head into the toilet,

414. that was awesome.

415. Let's check the news.

416. And in lighter news,

417. it's the World Trade Center's 100th birthday today.

418. Awesome. We did it!

419. Whoa. Look at your family picture, dude.

420. My sister's disappearing!

421. When we went back and stopped 9/11,

422. we must have changed something in the past

423. that made it so your sister wasn't born.

424. Do you know what this means?

425. We have to go back and save 9/11!

426. Holy shit!

427. That's original.