The Whitest Kids U' Know 2x5

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Reverse Psychology You Son of a Bitch I Teached A Whale The Raddest Kid Ever Religious Cult Nail Gun Irresponsible Television Aren't You Lucky

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1. And that is how you properly maintain

2. and harvest radishes.

3. Wow, that's really interesting, Timmy.

4. Oh, that's the buzzer. I'll get it.

5. Yo, it's me. Let me up.

6. - It's Sam. - Oh, fuck!

7. Could this day get worse?

8. Why? What's wrong with Sam?

9. Sam just learned about reverse psychology.

10. - So? - So he's annoying now.

11. Hey, guys. Nobody suck my dick.

12. Whatever you do, do not hold me down and suck on my dick.

13. - Uhh, okay. - Don't worry.

14. I would hate it so much if you guys tried that.

15. It would hurt so bad if you guys all blew me.

16. Okay. Thanks for comin' over, buddy.

17. All right, well,

18. I'm gonna go in the other room and get some chips.

19. Don't you guys plan anything.

20. You guys.

21. We should fuckin' suck his dick.

22. - Stop it! - Take that!

23. - Son of a bitch. - Stop!

24. Stop it!

25. You son of a bitch. Take that.

26. - And that. - Stop it!

27. Ow! Aah!

28. - Yeah! - Stop it!

29. Hey, what are you doin', man?

30. I'm kickin' the shit out of this guy.

31. Aah! Ow!

32. - Stop it! - Well, stop it!

33. What?

34. Why are you kicking this guy?

35. Because he killed my kids.

36. - Really? - Yeah, both of 'em.

37. Oh, that sucks, man. What a jerk.

38. - Take that. - Yeah.

39. And that. What's wrong with you?

40. Killin' people's kids.

41. Kill my kids! Take that.

42. Son of a bitch.

43. Son of a bitch. So how did he kill your kids, anyway?

44. He's an executioner up at the state prison system.

45. Wait. Are you serious?

46. Yeah. They were on death row.

47. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop, stop, stop!

48. This is an officer of the law.

49. We could get in a lot of trouble.

50. Here, I'm sorry, man. I didn't kick you.

51. Yes, you did. Get down on the ground, you son of a bitch.

52. - Ow! Hey! - How do you like them apples?

53. Kickin' me for doin' my job.

54. Yeah. Makin' me assault an officer of the law.

55. Just 'cause you're mad about your dead kids.

56. Yeah. Hey, what did his kids do, anyway?

57. That's the best part. They didn't do a thing.

58. I framed 'em. Ha, ha!

59. Wait. Are you serious?

60. Yeah. Pretty sweet, huh?

61. An ingenious plan. And now I'm kickin' their father.

62. How do you like that, ghost children?

63. Whoa, dude. Stop, stop.

64. You're a bad guy. I'm sorry, man.

65. I didn't kick you.

66. Yeah, you did. Get down on the ground.

67. Ow! That hurts!

68. Framin' my kids.

69. I'm sorry, man. I had no idea.

70. I thought you were just some sort of crazy, enraged parent

71. that was assaulting an officer of the law.

72. No. Framin' my kids for a crime they didn't commit.

73. And then make sure you're the one that pulled the switch.

74. That's so crazy, man.

75. Why would he go through all that effort just

76. to mess with you?

77. He just wanted to hurt me 'cause he found out

78. that I'm the one who raped

79. and murdered his wife two years ago.

80. Stop it! - Wait.

81. Are you being serious?

82. He took away my one true love!

83. Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm sorry, man.

84. - I didn't kick you. - Yes, you did!

85. Get down on the ground, you son of a bitch!

86. He frowned upon our love because she was only 8 years old.

87. - What? Okay, wait. Oh, my God!

88. You're the bad...

89. You're both bad guys. Get down on the ground.

90. Take that, you son of a bitch.

91. Take that, you son of a bitch.

92. Take that. Take that.

93. Take that, you son of a bitch. Take that.

94. Take that. Take that, you son of a bitch.

95. Take that and that and that, you son of a bitch.

96. Take that and that and that, you son of a bitch.

97. It was the year 1927.

98. Hoover had just declared war on Cuba,

99. a gallon of bread cost merely a shiny nickel,

100. and a new dance craze called "You Son of a Bitch"

101. was sweeping the city's sock hops and speakeasies.

102. It was discovered when a traveling businessman

103. named Jeremiah Phillips came across a young man

104. kicking two ragamuffins in a city street one day.

105. They agreed to split the profits from the new jig 50-50

106. and then headed off to the bright lights of New York City.

107. Well, in a matter of weeks,

108. the two men were millionaires and decided

109. to pool their resources into building what would later

110. be known as the Empire State Building.

111. They toiled and planned for seven long years

112. on the construction of the modern marvel.

113. But then the Ice Age set in, the weather patterns shifted,

114. and all of the Northeast became engulfed in ice and tundra.

115. Soon the meat trucks stopped coming into the Big Apple.

116. Then the vegetation withered and died.

117. The sky grew dark,

118. and slowly mankind thinned into extinction.

119. Billy, you better get ready for...

120. Oh, my God.

121. You look so awesome right now.

122. You look so cool with that thing. Hold it up again.

123. You look amazing. You look like the raddest kid ever.

124. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Here.

125. Try on my sunglasses.

126. Whoa! That looks awesome!

127. You know how cool you look right now?

128. You look like the devil. Here.

129. Smoke one of my cigarettes. Put one of those in your mouth.

130. Just suck on this like a lollipop.

131. That looks amazing.

132. That is so awesome. Honey, come up here.

133. That is amazing. Wait.

134. I got to get a camera.

135. Hey, Rick.

136. Hey, Rick.

137. - Yeah? - Can I ask you something?

138. Yeah. Sure.

139. When did this cult get so weird?

140. What do you mean?

141. I mean, this cult, it's just...

142. It's not like how we started, you know?

143. I don't mind it.

144. Well, I'm not saying I mind it.

145. I'm just saying that, you know,

146. it's gotten a little lately.

147. I'd say our cult's a bit eccentric.

148. Okay. So we're on the same page.

149. You're just using the word "eccentric."

150. But when did it start being like that, you know?

151. It wasn't always like this.

152. Yeah. You're right.

153. I think it was when they started making us all wear

154. the same T-shirts.

155. I think that's when it started.

156. Well, that was for the softball tournament.

157. Yeah, well that's how they ushered it in.

158. But then it became robes and...

159. I like the robes. The robes are fun.

160. Yeah. The robes are fun.

161. I'm just...

162. It's just not normal, you know?

163. The robes aren't that weird.

164. Okay, the robes aren't that weird.

165. But you know what? It's not even about the robes.

166. It's just there's something really off about this group,

167. and I can't put my finger on it.

168. We don't even play softball anymore.

169. I know. And what's with training us how to shoot Uzis?

170. I don't need to know how to shoot an Uzi.

171. We haven't played softball in like four years.

172. That's how this group works, though.

173. They start you out playing softball.

174. Then all of a sudden you need

175. to wear the T-shirts all the time.

176. Then you have to live on-grounds.

177. Then no one can come and visit.

178. It's very gradual with this group.

179. I guess it was pretty weird when we had

180. to rename the planets.

181. Yeah. That was weird.

182. It's like we're a bunch of Mormons or something.

183. Hey, we are not like the Mormons.

184. Okay. I'm exaggerating.

185. But you could see how, in a couple of years...

186. There's an alien coming.

187. And he's a real swell guy.

188. And I hope he brings an army.

189. And I hope we don't die. - Hoorah!

190. Like that song, man.

191. I've been singing that song for I don't know how many years.

192. I don't know what it means.

193. Bill wrote that song.

194. Bill. You know, that's when things started to get weird.

195. Once Bill got promoted to high prophet,

196. some cuckoo stuff started going on.

197. I don't know. Bill's a good leader.

198. "Bill the Most High" will see you now.

199. It's just weird, man.

200. Boys, boys, settle down, settle down. Listen up.

201. Your father and I are going to the store.

202. To buy lubricant.

203. - Charles! - And amyl nitrite.

204. You see, boys,

205. your mother and I have gotten to that point that a lot

206. of married couples reach,

207. where we begin to grow tired of the mundane and the routine.

208. At this point,

209. a lot of couples tend to have extramarital affairs.

210. - Oh, Dad! - Hey, hey.

211. Let me finish.

212. So in order to avoid the pitfalls

213. that beset so many couples,

214. your mother and I have decided

215. to spice up the proverbial sack.

216. Oh, come on!

217. Hey, hey, hold on.

218. So instead of cheating on your mother with another woman,

219. I've decided to cheat on her vagina with her butthole.

220. - Oh, Dad. - Be quiet.

221. Hey, hey. Now that's called being a good dad, okay?

222. Everybody's happy. I'm definitely happy.

223. Your mother's not being cheated on.

224. And you kids are happy that you have such a happy pop.

225. And the family's all together.

226. Dad, go to the store.

227. Okay. We're going, we're going.

228. The other perk is I get to bust in there.

229. Oh, come on!

230. Okay, now, boys,

231. we don't want any incidents like last time, all right?

232. - We want all of you to be good. - We will, Mom.

233. Be safe, kids.

234. Nail gun!

235. Hey, Sam, let me shoot an apple off your head.

236. I don't have an apple on my head.

237. - Nail gun! - Oh, Trevor, you killed him.

238. Yeah, killed him with the nail gun!

239. No, he's really dead, man. Look!

240. Oh, man. He's getting blood everywhere.

241. You're gonna get in so much trouble.

242. You're gonna get in trouble, too.

243. We were both playing with the nail gun.

244. It doesn't sound right when you say it that way.

245. We were both playing with the nail gun!

246. What are we gonna do?

247. There's got to be some way we can bring him back to life.

248. The Necronomicon!

249. Top shelf, dude.

250. - Chapter 18. - Okay, okay.

251. - Jumanji! - It worked!

252. I've seen horrible things. I've been to the lake of fire.

253. A second here is a millennia in Hades.

254. Okay, well, calm down, man. You're okay now.

255. My dick split open and locusts flew out.

256. A badger raped me with a thorned cock.

257. You had anal? Gay.

258. It was so gay! You have no idea how gay it was!

259. Well, Sam, you're all right now.

260. Yeah, be quiet. Mom and Dad are gonna be home any minute.

261. They turned my rectum inside out and nailed it

262. to a fence post!

263. - I drowned in wasps! - Okay. Sam, be quiet.

264. I gouged my eyes out to stop seeing the horrors,

265. but they only grew back!

266. Out of my way. I've got a marriage to save.

267. Every step I took, I stubbed my toe.

268. They only gave me thumbtacks to eat.

269. That sounds pretty shitty, Sam.

270. My dick split open and locusts flew out.

271. Yeah, you already told us that.

272. Well, it happened a lot.

273. Well, boys, am I glowing?

274. Boys, for the rest of the day, do not smell this finger.

275. The worst part is, is since I've been to their world,

276. they can control my body.

277. Hey! Hey, what's wrong with Sammy?

278. Nothing.

279. My soul has merged with all that has died and all

280. that will die.

281. Hey, that sounds like hellspeak.

282. What have you boys been up to in here?

283. - Uhh, rehearsing for a play. - Yeah,

284. we're just running lines.

285. You were running lines?

286. You didn't accidentally kill Sam with the nail gun

287. and have to bring him back from the depths of hell?

288. No. - Carpe diem!

289. - Carpe diem! - Hey, that's Latin.

290. Honey, bring me the holy water!

291. Fuck my pussy! Fuck my pussy!

292. Fuck my pussy! Fuck my—

293. Okay.

294. Now, you two, I am very upset that you went ahead

295. and killed your brother

296. with the nail gun after we specifically told you

297. to be careful.

298. However, I am pleased to see that you were smart enough

299. to use the Necronomicon in a pinch.

300. Now, both of you go up to your room.

301. You're grounded for two months.

302. - But, Dad. - The sock hop.

303. I'll sock your hops. Now get out of here.

304. Hold on, Sam. We need to have a little chat.

305. But I wasn't playing with the nail gun.

306. I'm not talking about the nail gun.

307. Sam, when most people die, they go to purgatory.

308. Why is it that you went straight to hell?

309. I don't know.

310. - Sam? - You have no idea why

311. that might be?

312. I have pornos.

313. That's what I thought. Bring them to your mother and I.

314. Well, dear, we've had a pretty eventful day.

315. We had a nice talk with Zach and Trevor.

316. Got a hold of Sam's pornography stash.

317. And I finally got to wriggle inside that sweet,

318. sweet poop-chute of yours.

319. Yes, you did.

320. Yeah, I did.

321. You should go check out the toilet. I just shit it out.

322. Oh, frosted turd!

323. Billy Matherson was a mild-mannered 8-year-old

324. boy until one day he stuck a fork in an electric socket

325. and became Electro Boy.

326. I'm so bored.

327. Teddy was having the most boring afternoon

328. until he met the coolest stranger ever.

329. Hey, kid. You want to go for a ride?

330. There's some candy in it for you.

331. Man, that babysitter is so cute.

332. I totally want to make out with her.

333. Yeah, but she'd never make out with little kids like us.

334. But what if we forced her to?