The Whitest Kids U' Know 2x4

1. All right, everybody. Give us some room.

2. Give us some room.

3. Step back. Yeah, I said back up, buddy.

4. Okay, everyone. I've got a quick announcement to make.

5. The revolution is going very well.

6. We have a lotta rich guys to chop today.

7. So just give us some space, cool your jets...

8. Cool your jets!

9. And we're gonna get through this, okay? First up!

10. First up!

11. Name and where you want your head to go.

12. Marie Antoinette. And to my cousins in the countryside.

13. Head's goin' to the country.

14. All right, Marie. Now, you know the drill, right?

15. Well, I was briefed, but if you could go over it again.

16. No problem, ma'am.

17. We clamp this thing down on your neck, like so.

18. Then this guy takes that big old blade to the top

19. of the mast there, lets go of the rope.

20. Knife comes down. Head pops off.

21. - Oh, my! - Pretty simple.

22. Now, I have a question for you.

23. - Okay. - How would you feel

24. about making things a little interesting for me

25. and the boys?

26. - I'm listening. - It has been said

27. that the human head can survive for up

28. to two minutes once it has been hacked away from the body.

29. Wow, it's amazing what they can do now.

30. It is. It is.

31. Now, this little piece of information has led me

32. and my associate, Benson,

33. into a bit of a speculative argument.

34. - Oh, my! - I am of the opinion

35. that the human head, once severed from the body,

36. could recite the entire alphabet.

37. She'll never make it past "G."

38. Benson does not think you could make it past "G."

39. I definitely think I could make it past "G."

40. Oh, thank you very much. This has been drivin' us crazy.

41. Anything to settle a dispute.

42. Raise the cutter.

43. She's goin' to "G?"

44. She's going all the way, baby. I'm puttin' 20 dollars down.

45. Double or nothin'.

46. Deal. Take a deep breath, sweetheart.

47. Cut her head off now.

48. Man, I didn't hear letter one outta that lady.

49. You owe me 40 bucks.

50. I don't owe you piss. She didn't try.

51. She tried. She couldn't do it.

52. Double or nothin' on the next guy.

53. - Done. - Deal.

54. - Next guy. - Head's goin' to the country.

55. You know, I'd just like to say that I'm terribly sorry

56. about how things have been going around here lately.

57. Okay, buddy. Where's your head goin'?

58. To my children, I suppose. But I am sorry.

59. And I'd like to say that if there's anything I can do

60. in my power, and I mean anything at all,

61. please don't hesitate—

62. Okay, buddy. Would you mind doin' Benson and I a favor?

63. - Of course. - Okay, quick recap.

64. The head stays alive a little bit after this thing goes off.

65. I'm willing to wager 80 bucks

66. that you could burp your entire name.

67. Well, my name is D'Artagnan François LaRue III.

68. No way he's doin' it.

69. He's doin' it.

70. All that shit? No way.

71. Never mind him. He's a jackass that don't know nothin'.

72. So you think can do this thing?

73. I don't see why not.

74. All right. All right.

75. Save your burps. Save your burps.

76. Burpin' his name.

77. Even odds on burpin' his name.

78. Bets are closed! Cut his head off now!

79. - Oh, my.

80. I can't believe it.

81. That's 80 you owe me.

82. I shoulda known burpin' wasn't gonna work.

83. You need to have all the air from your stomach to burp.

84. You don't need no air from a stomach.

85. It's all air down there. He had it.

86. He couldn't do it.

87. Well, then maybe he just didn't have to burp.

88. We shoulda given him a root beer or somethin'.

89. Fine. Give the next guy a root beer.

90. See if I care.

91. - Next guy. - Head's goin' to his kids.

92. Oh, hi. I'm just tryin' to place a bet.

93. I think I got in the wrong line. See, I'm a bread maker.

94. Okay, Mr. Bread Maker.

95. Do you think you could burp your entire name after we cut

96. your head off if we gave you this whole bottle of root beer?

97. That whole bottle? Of course.

98. All right, burpin' his name. Place your bets!

99. Double or nothin'.

100. Are you tired

101. of your puppies getting too big to handle?

102. Are you sick of your cute little puppies turning into dogs?

103. Get off me, you son of a bitch!

104. Then try Forever Puppies.

105. Our puppies are guaranteed to stay youthful

106. and lovable permanently.

107. Just listen to some of our satisfied customers.

108. The problem with all my other puppies is they would always

109. end up getting weird and gross.

110. Forever Puppies always looked like a little,

111. fuzzy smiley face.

112. I used to take Buddy to the park to pick up girls.

113. Then Buddy turned into a dog,

114. and chicks stopped paying attention to me.

115. Now, thanks to Forever Puppies, I'm knee-deep

116. in pussy.

117. Each forever Puppy is backed

118. by our lifetime guarantee.

119. If your puppy is starting to lose

120. that youthful innocence and charm,

121. bring it back to any one of our 500 locations,

122. and we'll exchange it for free.

123. Forever Puppies. Puppies forever.

124. Brilliant! Genius!

125. Guard! Guard!

126. I need a quill and some ink!

127. You need a what, now?

128. A quill, some ink, and some parchment, if you please?

129. No. You're not allowed to have a quill and parchment.

130. You're in prison. What if you write something bad?

131. Or you try to kill yourself with the pen?

132. I swear upon my father's name

133. that I won't write anything bad or try and hurt myself.

134. I just need it to write this song down.

135. What kinda song?

136. Hopefully, one day, it'll be the anthem to our new nation.

137. What? No.

138. I don't want you to have a new nation. I'm British.

139. I think your new song sucks.

140. That's like me writing a song about how happy I am

141. that you're in prison.

142. Stop toying with me! Do you or do you not have a pen?

143. Yeah. I've got tons of pens.

144. I'm a guard. But you can't have any, terrorist.

145. I need to remember this song,

146. for one day, I may be freed from this prison,

147. and then the song will represent all the struggles we have

148. endured to create our freedom.

149. You know what?

150. I don't think I'm gonna give you dinner tonight.

151. What if I sing it to you?

152. You may be so moved that you'll let me write it down.

153. I shall sing it.

154. No, that's okay. I think I've heard your song before.

155. What are you talking about?

156. Your song. I think I've heard it before.

157. It goes like...

158. - That's your song. - All right.

159. How about I sing my song to you, and you write it down?

160. - Okay, sure. - Oh!

161. All right. Here we go.

162. Okay. "Let's Make a Country

163. of by Francis Scott Key.

164. That's not my song. That's your song.

165. That's my song I wrote for you.

166. Why won't you just write down the song for me?

167. Just write it down for me! Please!

168. Okay. All right.

169. Jeez. Look at yourself.

170. Get it together. I'll go sit down.

171. Really? Thank you.

172. "The Star-Spangled Banner"

173. by Francis Scott Key.

174. - Got it? - Got it.

175. All right, and then it goes like...

176. I'm just writing "freedom."

177. But at what price?

178. All right. Read it back to me.

179. Okay. "Oh, let's make a country of.

180. "And queer up the whole dang world.

181. "Let's make a country of ”

182. "and dress the boys like girls."

183. Why must you torment me so? You already have me caged.

184. Must you take away my creativity, as well?

185. All right. Calm down.

186. I'm just messin' with you. I'm just givin' you a hard time.

187. - Here you go. - Fooled you!

188. So, yeah, you basically just, like, walk up here.

189. And then you, like, come over here.

190. And then, basically, it's like here you are.

191. Oh! Tenzig, it's magnificent!

192. The crest of Mount Everest.

193. Bless you for your help, young Sherpa.

194. Oh, don't mention it. You're, like, super-good explorer.

195. Like, most people would have just, like, died or gone home.

196. But you're, like, crazy sexy.

197. Well, thank you, Tenzig.

198. I'm just going to stand here a moment and soak all

199. of this in.

200. Yeah, you just should just, like, take a moment and just,

201. like, try to soak it all in.

202. Because this will, like, change your life forever.

203. You want to see something, like, super-crazy-sexy cool?

204. Well, sure I do, my fellow adventurer.

205. Don't even flatter me. You, like, did all the work.

206. You're, like, crazy-sexy American action hero.

207. Well, I guess I was for a moment there when I had

208. to make that jump.

209. Yeah. That jump was amazing.

210. Check this out.

211. Wow. That's really gathering some mass there.

212. Whoa! Oh, my God!

213. Oh, my God!

214. - Tenzig, that village!

215. Oh, my God! Tenzig, what have you done?

216. Feels good to be on the top, right?

217. Tenzig, I think you've just killed a lot of people.

218. Don't worry about it.

219. It's, like, super-poor fishing community. It's very unsexy.

220. Have you done that before?

221. Only like over 9,000 times. It's so everyday and mundane.

222. I'm so bored, I don't even want to talk about it anymore.

223. Okay. I don't understand your people's culture or customs.

224. So I'm just going to assume that all of that was just okay.

225. Oh, it's super-fine. It's, like, even encouraged.

226. All right.

227. Tenzig, I wonder if you'd do me the honor

228. of taking a photograph of me.

229. Oh, my God, that would be, like, my honor.

230. Thank you so much for choosing me.

231. Tell me, Tenzig,

232. how many people do you think have stood where

233. I'm standing now?

234. Must be a pretty small club that I'm joining, huh?

235. Oh, yeah, probably only like two or three people ever.

236. - Really? - Yeah.

237. And of all of them, you're, like, definitely the tallest.

238. Really? The tallest ever to climb Mount Everest?

239. - That's you. - Wow.

240. That means that right now, at this moment,

241. my head is the highest thing that has ever been

242. on the planet Earth.

243. Oh, my God. You're, like, blowing my mind.

244. Look, Tenzig. That means now my hand is the highest point.

245. Look at you. You're, like, racking up the records.

246. Look, Tenzig. Even higher.

247. Oh, my God. That's so amazing and thrilling to me.

248. You should do the thing with your penis.

249. - What? - All the, like,

250. super-macho Americans, what they do is they like

251. to do this thing where they lie down on the top

252. of Mount Everest.

253. And they take out their penis,

254. and then they take out their balls.

255. And then they're, like,

256. super-excited because everything is under their balls.

257. Well, I don't really think I need to be doing that, okay?

258. Oh, yeah. It's, like, super-empowering.

259. Because then they know that, like,

260. everything on the entire planet and everything

261. in the entire world is, like,

262. underneath their penis and balls.

263. That does sound pretty empowering.

264. Yeah, why not? Just do it.

265. Be young. Have fun.

266. - Stay cool. - Yes.

267. I will stay cool. All right.

268. I'll just lie down on the ground like this.

269. And I'll just take out my penis and my balls.

270. Here, I'll, like, take a picture for your mantel.

271. Yes, this would make an excellent picture for my mantel.

272. Thank you, Tenzig.

273. Oh, yeah. That looks awesome.

274. Now I'll just get up. I'll just get up off of the ground.

275. Tenzig! Something is wrong!

276. I can't get up! I'm stuck to the mountain!

277. Of course you're stuck to the mountain.

278. Tenzig, your voice has changed!

279. That's because, in reality, I am not Tenzig Nordig.

280. My name is Rex Bosworth, international diamond thief.

281. What? That's crazy!

282. I'd love to free you from this mountain, Freddy McNernie.

283. But I'm afraid, first,

284. you'll have to give me the world's largest diamond.

285. Tenzig, I own a tire company in Akron, Ohio.

286. I don't know anything about diamonds.

287. That's not my problem, Freddy McNernie.

288. That's your problem. Bum, bum, bum!

289. Another problem you have is that I have this digital camera.

290. And on this camera are pictures of you with your penis

291. and balls out.

292. It'd be a shame if these pictures were

293. to find their way into my quarterly magazine,

294. Diamond Thieves Quarterly.

295. My parents read that magazine!

296. Everyone reads that magazine. It's super-crazy-sexy.

297. - No! - You have one week,

298. Freddy McNernie.

299. One week to bring me the world's largest diamond.

300. Or it's "penis and balls in magazine" time. Bum, bum, bum!

301. - No! Hey!

302. Hey! Blast.

303. Honey, you're home. How was Mount Everest?

304. - Fine. - Is something wrong?

305. No. Nothing is wrong.

306. I can tell that something is wrong.

307. Okay, something is wrong.

308. What is it?

309. I need to find the biggest diamond in the world.

310. Oh, Freddy, why?

311. Because I pulled my dick out on Mount Everest,

312. and a diamond thief took pictures of it.

313. Oh, my God! I knew something like this would happen!

314. I'm sorry. It's just me and my stupid pride.

315. Well, why didn't you take the camera away from him?

316. Because he jet-packed away!

317. Well, what am I supposed to say?

318. Things like this always happen.

319. No. Candice, I can change.

320. We were doin' so good. I'll change.

321. Then fucking change, Freddy. You're 43 years old.

322. Mommy, Daddy, why are you yelling?

323. Timmy, my son!

324. - Don't fight! - Tell him, Freddy.

325. Tell him why we can't have Christmas this year!

326. What? No Christmas?

327. - No! - Tell him, Freddy!

328. We can't have Christmas this year

329. because Daddy pulled his dick out on Mount Everest

330. and a diamond thief took pictures of it.

331. What? No, Daddy!

332. You were doing so well!

333. Are you and Mom gonna split up again?

334. I don't know. Probably!

335. You are, aren't you? I hate you, Mom!

336. I hate you! You're a fucking cunt!

337. No, Timmy! Go to your room!

338. Don't leave me and Mom! I love you!

339. Well, where are you supposed to find the largest diamond

340. in the world?

341. I don't know! Let me check.

342. Oh, great! It's in a volcano!

343. A volcano? A fucking volcano, Freddy?

344. Mommy, no! Don't do that!

345. Why'd you pull your dick out on Mount Everest?

346. Because I'm a man, and I was weak!

347. Everything my mother told me about you was true.

348. Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that!

349. Well, don't you see that everything

350. in the world is telling us that we shouldn't be together?

351. You're right. We're so broken.

352. - We are broken! - We're so broken!

353. We're so broken! We're so broken!

354. Oh, we're broken!

355. - Kill us, God! - Kill us!

356. Kill us all! Kill me, God!

357. God, kill us!

358. You fucker! You fucker!

359. Kill us, God!

360. Kill us, God!

361. This volcano is fucking hot.

362. I wish I had some sort of Sherpa or someone

363. to assist me right now.

364. 'Cause it is hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!

365. I bet if I pulled out my penis right now,

366. it would be the hottest penis in the world.

367. No! No!

368. Keep it in your pants, Freddy.

369. You've got a family to think about now.

370. Yes. Here we go.

371. All right. Now, I've just got to find that diamond.

372. Where? There it is.

373. Okay.

374. I'll just walk on over, pick it up with my hands,

375. and get those dick pictures back.

376. - Excuse me? - Oh!

377. Just what in the world do you think you're doin'?

378. Are you the devil?

379. Yes, I'm the devil. Why do you think I'm all red?

380. Huh. So the devil lives in a volcano, huh?

381. Yes, the devil lives in a volcano. Late pass.

382. What, did you think the devil lives in some sort

383. of condo down in Florida?

384. - No. - Yeah-huh.

385. See, the thing about people like you is that you think

386. that the devil lives in some sort of houseboat,

387. just drinkin' daiquiris and listenin' to Jimmy Buffet.

388. No, I don't.

389. People like you think that the devil lives in some sort

390. of abandoned railroad car,

391. just travelin' from state to state,

392. eatin' sardines out of a can and tellin' stories

393. to strangers and pettin' his scraggly little dog

394. that he has.

395. Would you please stop that?

396. See, people like you think that the devil lives

397. in some sort of magical hot-air-balloon kingdom,

398. where he just zooms around on a Segway scooter

399. and watches soap operas and does Sudoku.

400. Would you stop, please?

401. People like you think that the devil lives

402. in a run-down laundry-detergent factory,

403. where he just eats candy canes out of a box that he has,

404. and he writes short stories and twirls his hair.

405. You see, people like you think that "the devil" is some sort

406. of stowaway on Paul Simon's tour bus,

407. just travelin' across America and eatin' Teddy Grahams,

408. and, when people fall asleep, spittin' 'em in their ears.

409. Would you please stop? This is hell.

410. Oh, I get it now. This is hell.

411. Jewel-encrusted surfboard just floatin' in the middle

412. of a wave pool readin' romance novels

413. and thinkin' about boys.

414. People like you think that the devil lives

415. on a Hollywood movie-studio set that's made

416. to look like a World War II fighter jet,

417. and he just lounges around all day,

418. gettin' baked and callin' his friends and hangin' up on 'em.

419. People like you...

420. Oh, yeah. That's awesome.

421. You look like a really cool guy.

422. Yeah. You know, I feel really cool right now.

423. - Rex Bosworth. - Hey,

424. that guy's higher than my dick.

425. I've brought you your diamond, you son of a bitch.

426. Hey, buddy, get down on the ground. This is my time.

427. You've got the diamond?

428. Tenzig, your voice changed.

429. It took me to the depths of hell,

430. and it nearly tore my family apart.

431. But I've brought it.

432. Excellent. Tremendous work, Freddy McNernie.

433. You see, all the devil's powers were contained

434. in this diamond.

435. And now that we have stolen it,

436. all evil will slowly drain from the Earth.

437. Whoa! That's, like, a really big deal.

438. It's the biggest deal.

439. You're a good guy.

440. I'm the greatest guy. Rex Bosworth, champion of man.

441. Guys, what's going on? Can you get under my dick, please?

442. Fitting, isn't it,

443. that the devil would finally meet his due here

444. at the summit of Everest?

445. That is fitting.

446. Look! To the horizon, Freddy.

447. - Eagles approach. - Holy shit!

448. They took the diamond.

449. This is fuckin' crazy!

450. Holy shit!

451. - That's special.