The Whitest Kids U' Know 2x3

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Instant Karma Bigot Weird Joining the Army JFK Assassination Elephant Balls George Lucas The America Song

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey, everybody.

2. It's hot as hell outside today, huh?

3. I'm sweating like some kind of a dago in this—

4. Wah, whoa!

5. Oh, did you guys see that?

6. I just got blindsided by that Jew messenger over there—

7. Ah, who's playing football

8. in broad daylight around here, huh?

9. Oh, I've never been in this much pain before.

10. Now I know how my grandfather felt in the war

11. when he got tagged by the gooks, you know?

12. Augh!

13. Aw, who's controlling the air conditioners up there?

14. Some kind of a greasy spic or something—

15. Ow!

16. What the hell, bird?

17. What's with the birds in this fucking city?

18. They're crazier than a bunch of dykes.

19. Ahh!

20. So, are they gonna make us get a lap dance?

21. They're not gonna make you

22. do anything you don't want to.

23. Timmy, it's your birthday.

24. I'm gonna make you get a lap dance.

25. Come on, let's go.

26. I want to see some tits.

27. Yeah, all right.

28. Not bad, huh?

29. Yeah, she's a hottie.

30. She sure is.

31. Birthday shots, guys.

32. Trevor, you coming?

33. Nah, I think I'm good, man.

34. Okay, Timmy, to the bar.

35. Let's go.

36. Wow, looking good.

37. You got any money, big boy?

38. Yeah, I do.

39. What will a dollar get me?

40. Nice, nice.

41. What'll I get if I throw two dollars down there?

42. Well, for two dollars, I turn around and I bend over

43. and I point my butt at you.

44. Chill, chill.

45. What would happen if I threw down five dollars?

46. Well, for five dollars, I point my foot at you

47. and then I slap my own butt with my hand.

48. Ill, ill.

49. What, pray tell, would happen if I threw 10 dollars down there?

50. Well, for 10 dollars, I play with my boobs

51. and then I lick my boobs and then I spit on my coot.

52. Huh, really?

53. Okay.

54. What would happen

55. if I were to throw a 20-dollar bill down there?

56. Well, for 20 dollars, I, like, sit on your lap

57. and I jiggle up and down

58. and I try and rub my butt on your penis sometimes.

59. Dope, dope.

60. Well, let's up the ante a little bit.

61. If I took a hundred-dollar bill

62. and dropped it down there, what would happen then?

63. Well, for a hundred dollars,

64. I'd take you in that back room over there.

65. Uh-huh?

66. I'd slip into some super sexy lingerie.

67. Go on.

68. And then I'd staple my hands together.

69. What?

70. With a staple gun.

71. Wait, why would you do that?

72. Because you gave me a hundred dollars.

73. Well, I wouldn't really want you to do that.

74. So let's, let's take it down a notch.

75. What if I were to give you 75 dollars?

76. Oh, for 75 dollars, I eat a whole fish.

77. What?

78. Bones, scales, eyes, the whole thing.

79. What are you, what, what?

80. That's what I do for 75 dollars.

81. That's weird.

82. That's my name.

83. What's your name?

84. Weird.

85. Your stripper name is Weird?

86. Weird The Stripper.

87. Hey, guys, come here.

88. Okay, what'll you do for seven dollars?

89. For seven dollars, I'd drink a whole pail of milk with my butt.

90. What?

91. What's going on?

92. This stripper's Weird.

93. Hello.

94. She looks fine to me.

95. What'll you do for 75 cents?

96. For 75 cents, I'll eat it.

97. You'll eat what?

98. Eat the money.

99. Bullshit.

100. Hold on, here.

101. Whoa!

102. What the fuck?

103. What about 304 dollars?

104. For 304 dollars, I'll write you a speech.

105. About what?

106. Any topic you choose.

107. Four dollars and 36 cents?

108. I'll go to the store with you.

109. What?

110. Four dollars and 37 cents?

111. I'll paint you a picture of a dolphin.

112. Four dollars and 38 cents?

113. I'll give you a blow job.

114. Well, that's where that one was.

115. A million dollars?

116. Hamburgers.

117. All right, let's get outta here.

118. All right, see you, Weird.

119. Goodbye.

120. All right, Janice, you send in my next potential recruit.

121. - Hey, we wanna join the Army. - Yep.

122. All right, gentlemen, one at a time.

123. One of you is gonna have to wait outside.

124. No, we wanna join together.

125. Yeah, we're best friends.

126. And we want to join the Army.

127. Fine, fine.

128. Did you fill out your paperwork?

129. Right there.

130. All right, let's see here.

131. We wanna be in a plane.

132. - Yeah. Ha! - Awesome.

133. A plane?

134. Yeah in one of the planes that shoots,

135. not one of those food planes.

136. Yeah.

137. Okay, so you want to join the Air Force division.

138. I dunno.

139. I guess.

140. That's where the airplanes are.

141. - Oh, Air Force. - Oh, Air Force, airplane.

142. Airplane, Air Force.

143. That's good, makes sense.

144. Awesome.

145. Okay, so your preferred assignment would be to—

146. Or we want a gun that's so big that you can't even hold it

147. and it needs wheels.

148. - Yeah! - Awesome!

149. Okay, well that sounds more like infantry.

150. I wanna parachute at night into a city.

151. Yes!

152. Well now that's more of an Air force.

153. Air Force!

154. That sounds cool.

155. It's like the force of the air.

156. That is so radical.

157. Ooh!

158. You guys know that

159. this is a serious decision that you're making?

160. Yeah, this is a serious decision we're making.

161. Seriously awesome.

162. - Oowah! - Ha!

163. There's been a lot of fighting lately

164. with these terrorist groups.

165. Yes, I wanna be a terrorist!

166. The terror of the force of the air.

167. Awesome!

168. No, we are against the terrorists.

169. That's right 'cause they double-crossed us.

170. They were double agents?

171. No, no, that-that's not what happened.

172. My spy name is gonna be Sergeant Eagle Fort.

173. And you can call me Crowbar.

174. Yeah, his thing is he always has a crowbar.

175. And he was raised by eagles in a fort.

176. I think you two should put some serious thought into this.

177. We got this all planned out, baby.

178. Yeah, first thing,

179. we need like a hundred missile launchers.

180. And like 50,000 land mines in our plane.

181. Yeah, then we need you to send the rest of the army ahead of us

182. in what's probably a suicide mission

183. to draw their fire.

184. Then, what we're gonna do

185. is fly our jet right at the bad guys' main base,

186. and then at the last possible moment,

187. I'm gonna pull a hand grenade outta my mouth

188. and throw it in the back

189. with all the land mines and the missiles and stuff,

190. and then we're just gonna jump out!

191. Whoa.

192. Whoa.

193. We're gonna be like, "ah, yank, pff."

194. And then all the bad guys will be on the ground.

195. They'll be like, "No, no, no!"

196. You guys gotta send a stealth bomber

197. to swoop down just at the last minute

198. before the mountain blows up and pick us up.

199. It will be awesome!

200. You both are 18, right?

201. - Yep, today. - Today.

202. Welcome aboard.

203. Win.

204. "Hey, how you doing, how you doing, how you doing?

205. "How you doing, how's everybody doing?

206. "Hey, how you doing, how you doing, how you doing?

207. "I'm Jack Kennedy, president of the United States."

208. Pff! Bssh!

209. "Ah, oh my God, oh my God."

210. De de de de de de de de de de.

211. Fatality.

212. Double kill, headshot.

213. New world record.

214. Ah, the crowd goes wild.

215. They can't believe it.

216. It's never been done before.

217. "Who is this new kid?"

218. "It's Oswald."

219. They put him on their shoulders.

220. They're taking him through town.

221. "He's the coolest guy ever."

222. Ready for the big day?

223. Holy geez, Lyndon Johnson, you scared me.

224. I almost dropped my gun out the window.

225. What do you want?

226. Just being a good vice president.

227. Thought I'd pop my head in,

228. make sure everything's in order.

229. Yes, everything's fine, thank you.

230. Go away, see you later.

231. Thanks for checking in.

232. Just wanted to double check.

233. You know we got a lot riding on this.

234. Days of planning and whatnot.

235. Okay, well, you came by and you said your piece,

236. so thank you very much.

237. Job done, duly noted.

238. You can leave now.

239. See you later.

240. Bye.

241. Gun's loaded?

242. Yes, the gun's loaded.

243. It's loaded with like a thousand bullets.

244. Safety off?

245. Yes, the safety is...

246. Yes, the safety is off, okay?

247. I know what I'm doing, all right?

248. Lee Harvey Oswald is on the job, thanks.

249. Little breezy today.

250. Just hope you're taking that into consideration.

251. Looks like it's coming from the southeast.

252. Look, I know where the wind is coming from, okay?

253. I'm a sniper.

254. Hi, hello there.

255. Hi, thank you for coming out.

256. Thank you for coming out.

257. Hi, hello there.

258. How are you enjoying the country?

259. - Jack? - Okay, hi, hello.

260. - Jack? - Hi, hello to you, sir.

261. - Jack, Jack? - Hello to you, ma'am.

262. Yes, one second, please, thank you.

263. - Jack, Jack? - Hi, hello.

264. - Jack? - Hello— yes, what is it, woman?

265. Could we put the top up?

266. No, I need my constituents to see me, hi.

267. It's just a little chilly back here.

268. It's coming from the southeast.

269. I don't want you to catch a cold.

270. I'm not gonna catch a cold.

271. I need to wave to my fans.

272. Hello, there.

273. Don't come crying to me

274. when you freeze the back of your head off.

275. I'm not gonna freeze the back of my head off.

276. I don't know.

277. Hi, thanks for coming.

278. Thanks for coming.

279. You have a flag, that's very nice.

280. Driver, driver, could you play that song that I like?

281. No, do not play that song that she likes.

282. What's the name of that song that I like?

283. Oh, "Chicky Picky Chicky Picky Yeah"?

284. - Yeah, that's it! - No!

285. I'm just saying if you wanna shoot him while he's there,

286. you can shoot him from that building or that building or,

287. or any other building.

288. I... want... to... do... it... my... way!

289. Fine, do it your way.

290. Thank you.

291. Just wrong.

292. Okay, that's it.

293. This is humiliating. The people can hear you.

294. You're the First Lady, for Christ's sakes.

295. This song is terrible!

296. You don't respect people's work.

297. I'm trying to do something nice for you

298. and you're just sitting there eating potato chips.

299. It's like you don't even care if I shoot this guy or not.

300. Hey!

301. Look, I just wanna be by myself for a little while, okay?

302. - Ah!

303. Someone else shot him.

304. Better run, boy.

305. Ah!

306. Mommy, Daddy, look what I drew.

307. Whoa, Kevin, buddy.

308. What is this here?

309. I drew it myself.

310. Debra, you wanna come take a look at this?

311. Steven, our guests are about to arrive.

312. I have a cheese plate to arrange.

313. I do not have—

314. Kevin, why did you draw that?

315. His name is Saggy Sammy.

316. Kevin, who taught you this?

317. Has the gardener man been coming inside the house, Kevin?

318. It's an elephant.

319. Oh.

320. Oh, thank Christ.

321. Oh, I see, okay.

322. Yeah, that's, those are like his, that's his face.

323. His ears.

324. Whatever, yeah, sure, yeah, yeah.

325. Well, Kevin, it's very good.

326. Can I keep this?

327. I wanna keep this upstairs in my desk

328. because of how good it is.

329. Put it on the 'frigerator.

330. Oh, I don't think that's a good idea

331. because what if, what if it were,

332. what if it fell down?

333. Or what if at the party it got stolen

334. - by one of the guests? - Or the gardener.

335. But I drew it for the party.

336. Well, he made it for the party.

337. I suppose the supportive thing would be to

338. - Yeah... - put it on the—

339. But, Steven, it does look like so many things.

340. How about this, sport?

341. Why don't you go ahead and write "elephant"

342. really big on the top of it

343. and we'll put it on the frigerator for the party.

344. Okay.

345. I also drew a fairy castle for the door.

346. A fairy castle, okay, that sounds great.

347. Here it is.

348. Kevin, go to your fucking room.

349. We have a party to get ready for.

350. We don't have time for your crap!

351. Every god damn day with this kid.

352. I'm so bored.

353. There's no one online to talk to.

354. Hmm, I wonder.

355. Huh.

356. QuidditchKid793?

357. Yeah, hi.

358. I hope you don't mind, but I ordered some drinks.

359. - No, that's cool. - Okay.

360. All right, so let's just cut to the chase, movie ideas.

361. My head's just been spinning all day, so what is it?

362. Well, I was thinking you can make Star Wars VII.

363. Oh! Oh! Oh my, oh my!

364. Oh, oh, oh! Oh my, that is a good idea.

365. Star Wars VII.

366. Oh, oh, wait, wait, but how do we do that?

367. I've already gone back

368. and brought them up to the original story.

369. Are you suggesting that we go before Anakin's birth?

370. No, I was thinking you could just keep going into the future.

371. Remake the original trilogy! That brilliant!

372. No, no, no, I was thinking

373. you could just make, like, a movie

374. that takes place after Return of the Jedi.

375. What the fuck?

376. What the fuck?

377. I'm in, if you'll have me, kid.

378. Star Wars VII.

379. Its brilliance is in its simplicity.

380. Go forward in time.

381. So what would happen in this future, after-Jedi movie?

382. Well, I was thinking that maybe they could have to

383. blow up another Death Star.

384. They had another Death Star?

385. Yeah, maybe.

386. And then maybe Leia betrays Luke or something.

387. But she's a good guy!

388. Yeah, but maybe she gets brainwashed

389. by, like, an evil wizard or something.

390. That's the only way she would do it!

391. Yeah, and there's, like, two Chewbaccas.

392. Ah!

393. Oh, my God, that man's having a heart attack!

394. - Make sure the franchise goes to

395. QuidditchKid793.

396. Welcome to my movie.

397. I hope you all enjoy Star Wars VII:

398. The Secret Of The New Death Star,

399. Boba Fett Goes To The Sun,

400. And R2-D2 Fights A Lava Snake.

401. How do I get out of this other Death Star?

402. - Oh, no, an alarm!

403. Two Chewbaccas?

404. Holy shit!

405. That's original.