The Whitest Kids U' Know 2x2

1. That is so true. That is so true.

2. I know, right?

3. You know, I'm having a good time on this date.

4. - Me too. - Good.

5. That's good.

6. Oh, you have something there in your teeth.

7. Oh. Oh, really?

8. No, no. It's right over there.

9. Over there. More. Over there.

10. Yeah, right there.

11. What?

12. That's...

13. It's a string.

14. Oh, my God.

15. That's, what?

16. Was that in the chicken?

17. It's long.

18. And it, oh.

19. Oh, my God.

20. Oh, oh. It's like attached to something.

21. What is that?

22. It's a kidney.

23. Oh, my God.

24. There's more.

25. That's a heart.

26. A heart? Maybe you should stop pulling.

27. - Oh, my. - Oh, geez. Lungs.

28. Oh, no!

29. Oh, shit. Your brain.

30. Oh, my God. Is that your soul? Are you okay?

31. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Here we go. Here we go.

32. You've had a long day at work.

33. Slip into something more comfortable.

34. - Oh, there it goes. - Oh, there goes that.

35. Yes!

36. Yes!

37. We've got front-row tickets

38. to the Tit Olympics.

39. We're on the 50 yard line at the Boober Bowl.

40. Yeah, dude!

41. - Oh! - God bless America.

42. It's a thong. It's a thong. We have a thong.

43. Dude. Can you imagine having sex with her?

44. That would be so awesome. I'm doing it right now.

45. - Me too. Me too.

46. - Oh, my God, Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.

47. Oh, my God.

48. I'm like really happy with my life right now.

49. Yeah. Things ended up great.

50. Yeah.

51. - Are you kidding me? - Are you kidding me?

52. - You're kidding me? - Are you kidding me?

53. You have gotta be kidding.

54. Does God, like, have a crush on us or something?

55. She's gotta know that we're watching.

56. That's the only explanation. She knows that we're

57. watching, and she's into it.

58. You should shine your laser pointer on her. Yeah.

59. - Whoa! Whoa. - Oops, sorry! Sorry.

60. Is she? What's wrong? Is she choking?

61. Is she, is she okay? Should we call somebody?

62. I, I don't know.

63. - What should we do? - Oh. Oh.

64. She's, what is she doing?

65. - She's not moving. - She, she's not moving now.

66. Is she dead?

67. I don't know. She's just

68. - lying there. - She's not moving.

69. - She's not moving at all. - She's not moving.

70. - Oh, my God. - What do we do?

71. I don't know. Oh, shit.

72. - Oh, this is bad. This is bad. - Yeah.

73. - This is bad. This is bad. - Oh, shit.

74. - Here comes the husband. - Oh, God.

75. Oh, man. What is...

76. Is he, he's checking her pulse.

77. Can he help her?

78. Is she okay? Oh, come on. She's gotta be.

79. Oh, man. He should give her

80. - CPR or something. - Is she okay?

81. - What's he doing? - What is he? What is that?

82. - I don't know. - Is that...

83. - That's a gun! Oh, my God. Oh!

84. - No! - Oh bad, oh bad, this is bad.

85. - This is bad. - Oh, no.

86. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

87. Oh, no. A kid.

88. This is bad. This is bad. This is bad.

89. Oh, no. Don't do it!

90. Is he gonna kill himself?

91. Oh, no, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it.

92. That kid's gonna kill himself.

93. - The police! - We are screwed.

94. - Are you kidding me? - What the hell?

95. - Bad. This is bad. - Oh. Oh.

96. - Bad, bad, bad, bad. - Bad. This is...

97. What, what? What is he, what's going on now?

98. - Is he having a heart attack? - Are you serious?

99. - What the hell? - Are you serious?

100. Now what?

101. - No! Oh, Oh, my God! - No! No! Oh, my God.

102. - I can't look. - Oh, my God.

103. - I can't look. - Oh, Jesus.

104. - Oh, my God. - Oh, Jesus.

105. - Oh, my God. - Oh, God.

106. Hey, look, some chick's getting outta the shower.

107. - Oh, really? - Yeah.

108. Are you tired of the same old, boring day job?

109. Then why not run away from it all and join the police force?

110. The exciting world of law enforcement

111. offers competitive pay

112. and huge potential for career advancement.

113. And there's much more to the force than ever before.

114. Pursue such diverse fields as

115. - surveillance,

116. - traffic control,

117. - and interrogation.

118. Law enforcement offers it all.

119. Comfortable wages, an exciting work environment,

120. and a false sense of superiority.

121. So join the police force to serve, protect,

122. and to control the poor.

123. Well, it sure is a starry night out on the old plains.

124. The cattle are lowing.

125. The horses are settling in.

126. The four travel-weary cowboys are sitting

127. around the campfire just trying to pass the time.

128. Five. Five travel-weary cowboys.

129. Sometimes it seems like the sun

130. just couldn't come up quick enough.

131. Well, shall we start the shows?

132. Man, I don't want to do no show.

133. What you mean you don't want to do a show?

134. That's what you're supposed to be thinking about

135. while we're out riding all day.

136. We decided that back in Sioux City.

137. Yeah, I know we decided that. I just don't feel like

138. doing a show.

139. Well, if you ain't going to do a show

140. then you can't watch our shows.

141. We gotta do a show every night.

142. How he gonna call hisself a cowboy if come nightfall

143. he ain't going to do a show for everybody.

144. You better just spin your ass right around

145. and stare at that prairie, boy.

146. The hell I am.

147. The hell you ain't!

148. I got writer's block. Can't come up with

149. an interesting protagonist.

150. You better start brainstorming or some kind of something

151. or I'll kill you and wear your boots.

152. Sam, if you don't do a show, then each of us

153. besides the show we do ourselves, only gets

154. to watch two other shows.

155. Three, three other shows.

156. Now who's going first?

157. I'll go.

158. Alright, goddammit.

159. Alright, now, here's my show.

160. It's called "Daisy May, And The Most Rascally Horse

161. You Ever Done Seen, Episode Three."

162. I love Daisy May.

163. Now, y'all may remember that yesterday

164. Daisy May done left her pale down in the shed

165. and had to run fetch it. So here it goes. I'm Daisy May.

166. Well, I got my pale now

167. I guess I best go back up to the house and check it out.

168. Who run around and left the house a mess like a darn tornado

169. came in here. I'll bet it was that rascalious horse.

170. Who, me?

171. Now that's just dumb.

172. I'll kill you and wear your boots.

173. That was my shot arm.

174. And it's going to keep getting shot if you don't show

175. a proper respect for the performing arts.

176. Don't listen to 'em, Kenny, that was a good show.

177. Don't let that dumb son of a bitch break your confidence.

178. Oh, man. That Daisy May sure is a wild one.

179. Yeah, well you just wait to see

180. what she gets into tomorrow night.

181. Oh, I can't wait.

182. All right, I'm going next.

183. All right. It's been a while since we had

184. a musical number in these parts.

185. Oh, man. We hadn't had a dance number since

186. Dallas/Fort Worth.

187. That's right. Before I begin, I'd like to ask you

188. all a favor, if you wouldn't mind.

189. Picture me all done up like the cutest little

190. Hawaii hula girl you've ever done seen. Here I go.

191. That's just gay.

192. I'll shoot you and wear your boots.

193. How can it be gay if he's a Hawaiian hula girl?

194. You gotta pay attention, man. Go on with your story, Zeke.

195. No, I'm done. I don't need no more comments from some

196. fucking peanut gallery.

197. Now look what you done, and you go on, get up there

198. and you give us a damn show.

199. Actually, it's my turn.

200. Entertain me, Sam Brown.

201. No, because clockwise...

202. Goddammit.

203. All right, once there were four cowboys...

204. Five cowboys!

205. Sitting around on a perfectly beautiful night

206. doing shows for each other. Now, even though this

207. gang of men had been traveling together

208. for nearly eight months, they only communicated

209. to each other through silly little parables and stories

210. instead of making real connections. Only glimmers

211. of who they really were and what they actually felt

212. and dreamt made it through this façade

213. that they had erected. Gentlemen.

214. This is not a show, or a story. It's real life.

215. This is us.

216. Our time is fleeting.

217. Kenny, are you crying?

218. What? No. I think I just got some pee in my eyes.

219. That ain't pee. You're crying.

220. No, it's pee. Must be some splashback from earlier.

221. Did his story make you sad?

222. No. I peed on my face!

223. His story plucked on your heartstrings.

224. And now you're sad.

225. I ain't sad.

226. Then let me see your mood ring.

227. No.

228. Show the three of us your mood ring right now, goddammit.

229. Fuck this sketch.

230. Give me that, motherfucker.

231. It's blue! You're sad.

232. No, it's not. It's green. That just means I'm horny.

233. That is blue. That means you're sad.

234. I'm horny.

235. His story made you sad.

236. His story made me horny.

237. Shit man, you're horny, fuck it, I don't care. All right.

238. That's all it is. Just really horny over here.

239. Fucking guys, never fucking paying attention to me.

240. They didn't even acknowledge my guy. I'm the one

241. that came up with the idea for that son of a bitch.

242. It was supposed to be all about my guy robbing old trains.

243. And they take it and they make it about stories

244. and mood rings and freaking horseshit.

245. I'm gonna start my own comedy troupe,

246. where my guy's always a star

247. and every sketch ends in song. Yeah, that'll show 'em.

248. They don't even know what they're talking about.

249. They're gonna be begging me to be on "The Timmy Williams

250. Sketch Group" and everybody's gonna love it

251. and they're gonna just fucking not know what to do

252. with themselves anymore.

253. I need the car to go get lunch.

254. Do you want me to come with you?

255. No, I'm good.

256. I got it.

257. Well, did everyone already give you their orders

258. for what they want?

259. Mr. Wilson?

260. Hey, Dr. Filler. Thanks for seeing me.

261. No problem. How are things going?

262. Things are okay. Yesterday I found a lump.

263. Oh, okay. I see. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

264. Most of the times in people your age

265. these things tend to be benign.

266. That's a relief.

267. But where exactly is it?

268. It's in my testicle.

269. I, oh.

270. That sucks, man.

271. That just sucks. Hey, uh, good luck with that.

272. I mean...

273. Yeah, I just thought maybe you could take a look at it

274. before I get all crazy.

275. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah.

276. Okay. I get, I see.

277. I didn't. You want me to...?

278. Yeah. So.

279. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No. Yeah, you, you're right.

280. You're right. I'm your doctor. That's what I should do.

281. So we should definitely schedule an appointment and...

282. No, I scheduled the appointment yesterday.

283. This is the appointment.

284. Yeah, but I'm, I, it's, uh, we don't have much time left

285. in our, uh...

286. Would you please take two seconds and feel this

287. so I know if I need to be freaking out here?

288. Feel it?

289. Yeah. Feel.

290. Yes.

291. Thank you.

292. I'm a doctor.

293. Good.

294. I'm a doctor. That's what we'll do

295. since you're so set on it. Just stand up

296. take out your thing or what, oh!

297. Hey, this is not exactly pleasant for me either. Okay?

298. Oh, really? Then why did you come in here?

299. What?

300. Nothing. Fine. I'll do it. 'Cause I'm a doctor.

301. Can you do this now, please?

302. I touched it. You're benign. You're benign. You're benign.

303. It's fine. It's fine. It's totally fine.

304. That was my thigh.

305. What? No, it was the thing.

306. It was my thigh.

307. Come on.

308. You've done this before, right?

309. No.

310. What?

311. I mean, yes. Hundreds of times.

312. Then do it.

313. Okay. Okay.

314. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

315. I'm gonna do it.

316. - Thank you. - Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

317. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

318. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

319. - I'm gonna do it! - Go.

320. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

321. I did it. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine.

322. - You're fine. - That was my penis.

323. What, it was—

324. - Do it! - No!

325. I'm paying you.

326. Can we go now, please?

327. Okay. Just gotta do it. I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor.

328. I am a doctor.

329. But this does not make me gay.

330. Of course not.

331. And there's no way this could turn me gay.

332. No.

333. - Promise? - Yes!

334. Okay.

335. One, two...

336. Thank you.

337. Am I okay?

338. You're great. You're fine.

339. Thank you. You're stroking.

340. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Ah, well, that's a relief, right?

341. Yeah. Yeah.

342. Um. Hey, I, I'm, uh.

343. I'm off work in like two hours. So. You like movies?

344. No, I'm gonna go home to my family. Thanks.

345. Oh. Oh, you're uh, going home with your

346. hang out with your mom and dad?

347. My wife and kids.

348. Oh, I didn't know. You said family. I didn't know

349. if it was like wife or like mom and dad or something.

350. How's she, is she nice? Is she—

351. Thank you and goodbye, Dr. Filler.

352. Hey, no problem. Hey, come back anytime.

353. I love you.

354. What'd you do that for?

355. You can see me?

356. And now back to The McLaughlins!

357. Wait a minute. I wanted to be an artist.

358. - Stir, stir, stir,

359. stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir.

360. Hey, Mom.

361. Hey, Michael. You wanna hold your horses there?

362. - What?

363. Did you do something different there?

364. - What?

365. What is that?

366. What is what, Ma?

367. What is that on your head, Michael McLaughlin?

368. - Oh, it's a blue whale dick.

369. I hope it's a temporary blue whale dick.

370. No, it's permanent.

371. - Oh, my God!

372. Ugh, I knew you were gonna be lame about this.

373. Well, you're gonna go right back to the mall

374. and have them take it off.

375. No, I'm not, Mom. It's surgically grafted.

376. It's not going anywhere.

377. Then you are grounded, young man.

378. Why would you want a blue whale penis

379. surgically grafted to your head?

380. You have such a nice face, Michael.

381. You don't now the first thing about being cool.

382. All the other kids' moms let them do stuff like this.

383. Well, all the other kids are not us. Okay?

384. Oh, my God. Did you just get whale juice

385. all over my kitchen floor?

386. Yeah.

387. Is that thing functional?

388. Yeah, it's functional. It was expensive. Shut up!

389. What's up, Mrs. McLaughlin?

390. Hey, Michael, you ready to go?

391. Caleb Matthews.

392. What is that on your face?

393. I had my lips replaced with a sideways giraffe vagina.

394. And does your mother know about this?

395. Yeah. She thinks it's pretty far out.

396. See?

397. You're gonna feel pretty silly when you're both

398. 70 years old and still have animal genitalia on your faces.

399. No, we won't, when we're 70, we'll love them even more!

400. A blue whale penis? Honestly.

401. You know those things are endangered?

402. Oh, my God, you're such a hypocrite.

403. How much gas does your SUV use?

404. This is not about the Suburban!

405. Richard, did you see this?

406. Don't give your mom shit about her SUV.

407. It makes her happy.

408. Oh, man. Another baby giraffe.

409. Did that just come out of your mouth?

410. Yes. It just came outta my mouth. They're functional.

411. These things are expensive.

412. I told you that, Mom. Shut up! Bitch!

413. Sorry.

414. The McLaughlins will be right back.

415. Holy shit!

416. IFC Originals.