The Whitest Kids U' Know 2x10

1. Once you get done with that, quietly get pumped with me.

2. Sam, I'm gonna do this.

3. We have to do this before every show.

4. Sam and I have to quietly get pumped together.

5. Roar.

6. We good?

7. - Yeah. Mucho appreesh.

8. Let's "The Who" this place.

9. Oh!

10. - Someone just crossed the line. - Let's have a good show!

11. - Party foul. Who did that?

12. Now I have to clean up.

13. We're opening the doors.

14. If you're off stage, just off stage, about to come on

15. don't talk at all.

16. Have a good show.

17. - All right. - All right thanks, we will.

18. It'll be fun.

19. - We're excited. - This is different, live.

20. I know.

21. Step up, step up.

22. Hi, everybody.

23. Hi.

24. Hi, everybody.

25. Hi.

26. My name is Dennis.

27. And I am Paul.

28. - And we were both born blind. - Yes.

29. But at least we have some of our senses.

30. That's right, the sense of humor.

31. - Look out, Dennis. - What?

32. - Look out, Dennis. - What is it?

33. - Uh oh, Dennis. - No.

34. - Look out. - Is there something?

35. Dennis, look out.

36. - No, what is it? - There's a bee on you.

37. Oh, God.

38. I hear a bee on you.

39. No.

40. There's a bee, it's gonna sting ya.

41. - God, no! - I'm just kidding.

42. - You always do that. - I always do, I always do.

43. Well, let's get down to doing what we do best.

44. - Comedy. - That's right, um.

45. Dennis, have you seen the newspaper lately?

46. Well, I haven't seen it, but I sure as hell felt it.

47. Touché, touché.

48. Well, there's a big story coming out.

49. It seems that Hillary Clinton has gotten herself—

50. - Paul? - Dennis?

51. - Paul? - Dennis?

52. Paul, where'd you go?

53. Dennis, I fell off the stage.

54. - I'm trying to— - Get back on stage.

55. Dennis, wait.

56. - Paul? - Wait, I'm sorry wait.

57. - Dennis. - Paul, I can't smell you.

58. I think I'm— I'm in the audience.

59. - Oh, well... - I'm trying to get back

60. - just follow my voice. - on stage.

61. Just follow my voice, Paul.

62. There's speakers, I can't hear your voice.

63. - It's everywhere. - Paul?

64. - Dennis, help me.

65. Where are you?

66. I'm just gonna come and find you, buddy.

67. Dennis?

68. - Paul? - Dennis?

69. I hear you.

70. - Paul? - Dennis, Dennis?

71. - Oh, it smells fucking terrible

72. - over here. - Dennis?

73. - Dennis? - Paul?

74. Where are you?

75. - Dennis, I hear, Dennis, Dennis. - Paul!

76. - Oh, thank God, oh. - Oh, my god.

77. This is the behind the scenes

78. and there's a fart that's been like traveling.

79. Is there a circling fart?

80. There's a traveling fart.

81. I think it's Sam.

82. Don't flip off your mom, holy shit.

83. I flipped off my mom. - Disrespectful.

84. Did you do that?

85. Yeah on TV. - That is so naughty.

86. - It'll be on television. - It's gonna be on television.

87. Yeah, because I'm gonna make sure we edit that in.

88. Yeah, Trevor's in charge of the material.

89. - I'm your mother. - You blamed a fart on me.

90. - Your own son, your own son.

91. - Whoa, whoa...

92. Whoa.

93. Stop saying "whoa."

94. Well, what am I supposed to say?

95. Well, you could start by saying "I'm sorry."

96. Are you blaming me for this?

97. Well, it is your fault we're stuck

98. in this stupid whirlpool.

99. Okay, I'm sorry.

100. Does that make it better?

101. Not as sorry as I am that I have such a stupid wife.

102. Well, I wanted to see the lily pad.

103. Candace, when I pointed out that there was a lily pad

104. then I immediately followed that sentence up with,

105. "but don't paddle over towards it,

106. 'cause there's also a whirlpool."

107. Well, I've never seen a lily pad before.

108. And then didn't I say, "but don't lean over

109. and try to touch the lily pad

110. because you'll probably tip the boat over."

111. Well, I wanted to get a closer look.

112. Well, I hope you're happy 'cause now we're stuck in this

113. stupid whirlpool forever.

114. Well, I'm not happy 'cause you're always yelling at me

115. and making me feel bad.

116. - Oh,

117. oh, poor Candace.

118. Everybody gather around.

119. Let's start the show.

120. Okay, Candace, what's wrong?

121. Let's hear about how horrible of a husband I am

122. and how bad you have it.

123. Well, you're always yelling at me

124. and telling me what to do all the time.

125. Well, maybe I wouldn't yell at you

126. and tell you what to do all the time if you weren't

127. constantly going around doing stupid stuff all the time.

128. Well, maybe I wouldn't go

129. around doing stupid stuff all the time

130. if you'd pay attention to me!

131. Oh, there we are, the root of the matter, okay.

132. We're not paying enough attention to Candace.

133. Okay, Candace, what's wrong?

134. Well, lately I've been having some second

135. thoughts about the baby.

136. The baby?

137. Having a baby was your idea in the first place.

138. And now that it's due any minute,

139. you're getting cold feet?

140. - Yes, I am.

141. The world we're bringing it into has changed

142. so much and it makes me feel scared.

143. What are you talking about?

144. Everything is all wet and moving!

145. Candace, are you talking about the whirlpool?

146. Of course I'm talking about the whirlpool!

147. This has become a major factor in our lives now, Gordon.

148. - Okay, let me get this straight.

149. The reason you didn't listen to me back at the lily pad

150. was because I don't listen to your feelings?

151. And your feelings were that you're afraid

152. of the whirlpool that we're in right now?

153. Yes.

154. That's it, Candace, next time you come by here,

155. I'm gonna club you to death with this oar.

156. - No, Gordon! - Nope, I've thought about it

157. long and hard and it's for the best.

158. Candace, come over here. It's oar time.

159. No, Gordon, wait, wait.

160. I think my water just broke.

161. How can you tell?

162. Because— because there's the baby.

163. Hi.

164. Hey, buddy.

165. Hi, little guy.

166. Gordon, he looks confused, talk to him.

167. Hey there, kiddo.

168. Look, I know you're probably really confused right now.

169. But I just wanted to let you know that...

170. life is kinda like a whirlpool.

171. It's gonna pull you in one direction,

172. and then it's gonna pull you in another

173. and sometimes you're gonna feel like you're gonna go under,

174. but just know that everybody faces

175. their own whirlpools in life.

176. To some, that whirlpool may be alcohol.

177. To others, it could be gambling addiction.

178. But rest assured that when you face your own

179. private whirlpool, you'll be fine.

180. 'Cause you were born in the middle of a—

181. Die, bitch, die!

182. - Die, sink to the bottom, ha-ha.

183. Die nameless!

184. Son, I have avenged us.

185. I love you, boy.

186. I love you too, Dad.

187. Try not to hurt anyone, if you could,

188. - when you're climbing. - I make no promises.

189. Okay, this is fun.

190. - No, that line-leader one? - Yeah.

191. I don't know how we're gonna do it

192. without people getting hurt.

193. - So. Yeah.

194. So just heads up on that.

195. This is when my job is so much fun.

196. Josh should be here, right?

197. We should delete this part of the tape.

198. Exactly.

199. We had no idea people would get hurt.

200. Could we lights up for a second?

201. I need three guys from the audience.

202. Can we just get three guys to come up?

203. We won't fuck with you.

204. Yeah, one, two, three, there you go, you guys.

205. Just come up and line up here.

206. And, uh, and just try not to fuck anything up.

207. Cool, between them is good.

208. Okay, cool. We'll do a lights down, lights up,

209. and then we'll start this thing.

210. Okay. It is 12:30, so it is time

211. for recess and today is Tuesday.

212. So Ryan, you are the line leader.

213. Let's line up and head outside now.

214. All right men, listen up.

215. I lead you today,

216. not for selfish purpose or personal gain,

217. but because I've been ordained

218. by a power greater than I.

219. We have been promised a time and a place.

220. Our time is now and that place...

221. the quad!

222. Okay, Ryan is no longer the line leader.

223. Caleb is the new line leader, let's head up and go outside.

224. And as we step off these cold, cavernous, tiled floors

225. of academia, and onto the warm grass of recess,

226. we shall rest well knowing we have proven our worth.

227. Caleb, true of heart to the fore.

228. Yes, Line Leader.

229. - What the fuck is this shit?

230. Caleb, you've proven yourself to be a most worthy companion.

231. Wise beyond your years, reading at an eighth-grade level.

232. And I ask of you, as we journey onward, make certain

233. that no student is to fall to the wayside

234. and be left behind, and that as we pass through,

235. every door closed and every light darkened.

236. Caleb, this is your charge, the charge of the caboose.

237. - Okay, every second that

238. we spend here, we don't spend outside.

239. I want all you kids to know that.

240. We go upon my mark, men.

241. Very good. - Hut, two, three, four.

242. - Yes. - Hut, two, three, four.

243. - Marching. - Hut, two, three, four.

244. - Outside now. - And yah!

245. Very good.

246. A little bit faster, please.

247. A little bit faster, Ryan.

248. - Line halt, caboose to the fore. - Why?

249. - Why, Ryan? - Caleb, what do your

250. Elvin eyes see?

251. Fifth graders, a whole slew of 'em, what should we do?

252. Stand your ground, men!

253. Halt, who goes there?

254. - It is I, Derek of the fifth. - What?

255. Derek of the fifth, what brings you

256. to the corridors of mathematics?

257. I lead my men to the great luncheon hall

258. where they have been promised a feast

259. so that they may sup and be nourished.

260. And I lead my men to the quad for recess.

261. I ask of you and your men that you stand down

262. so that we may pass.

263. I answer not to man,

264. but only to the voice of

265. the one true teacher, Miss Haggerty.

266. Then you do not yield?

267. Nay.

268. Then we must do battle.

269. - All right! - Whoa, Ryan.

270. Listen up! - On my mark,

271. - Know that you have entered - we will race down there

272. - this line mere children, - and fight them.

273. - but today you shall leave it - No. Guys?

274. - pre-teens! - Hey, guys?

275. the brave and the righteous!

276. Have your compasses sharpened and ready.

277. - Ryan, stop. - We know our charge.

278. - You will fight,

279. not as fifth graders, but as sixth or seventh graders.

280. - ... by the one true teacher! - Guys, hello? Hello?

281. - Mrs. Logan! - No! No!

282. Logan!

283. - On my mark. - Sharpen pencils.

284. Wait until you see the whites of their eyes.

285. - On my mark, unleash heck! - Do not go, do not fight them.

286. Hold! - No!

287. - Hold! - No!

288. - Hold!

289. Please, no, Ryan, don't do this.

290. - Ready? - No!

291. Charge!

292. Oh, my god.

293. - Look around!

294. Jesus.

295. Look at what men do to each other!

296. And for what, I ask.

297. I've seen horrors worse than that conjured up by the

298. mind of R. L. Stein himself.

299. Why, god, why, Mrs. Logan,

300. have you chosen me for such a forsaken task?

301. Yeah, I didn't choose you, Ryan.

302. Now you're going to the office.

303. Why have you turned your back on your loyal people?

304. I have reached recess.

305. But at what cost?

306. - No, no, no. - Ahhhh.

307. - Ryan, no, oh, my god!

308. You can just cut to this whenever you want, just...

309. Do you like me?

310. Get off the stage, you suck.

311. Oh, my god, this is terrible.

312. Shut up!

313. Shut up!

314. I sat through this entire open-poetry night,

315. just like everyone else did.

316. I deserve the same amount of respect that everyone else got.

317. I'm trying something new with my dolphin.

318. You all right buddy? You— oh shit.

319. You're good, you're good, you're good, you're good.

320. - Shut up.

321. Here we go.

322. Oh, my god, get off the stage!

323. Stop it, fuck you!

324. Come on buddy, we're outta here, fuck this.

325. Hey.

326. I'm eating a banana.

327. Timmy's eating.

328. Fuck you, man.

329. You know what, Timmy?

330. You're always eating.

331. Every time I see you, you're eating.

332. - What is that? - All of your children.

333. - What? - What is that, depression?

334. - Oh, yeah, do you have some? - Yeah.

335. The love for delicious.

336. It's love for delicious?

337. It's the love of the delicious.

338. Yeah, okay, that's why you're always eating.

339. I always thought it was depression.

340. I can't imagine why I'd be depressed.

341. Well, I guess I have four reasons.

342. Five.

343. - Just the no girlfriend thing.

344. Fucking asshole,

345. well, no, it's six 'cause you count as two.

346. I really do hate them though.

347. Oh, God, can't even tell you.

348. Ladies and gentlemen, Sonic the Hedgehog gets mugged.

349. - Enjoy.

350. Boink, boink, boink, boink.

351. Baby, I was wondering, would you mind doing me a favor and

352. and picking up the tab for the dinner

353. because I got the movie and the cab.

354. I would never ask this

355. but my check hasn't gone through from work,

356. I'm a little freaked out.

357. No, Zach, it's fine, it's fine, whatever.

358. Obviously, it's not fine.

359. Well, if you have to pry, Zach,

360. I mean you brought me out on a date.

361. I'm just saying.

362. Yeah, but we always go Dutch.

363. We don't always go Dutch, Zach.

364. Okay, we don't always go Dutch.

365. But if one person pays for the date one time,

366. then the next time the other person'll pay for the date.

367. - Oh. - That's in a sense going Dutch.

368. I see, do you have like a running tab

369. - on our relationship? - No, I don't have—

370. - How much do I owe you - Stop.

371. - for my love, Zach? - I wouldn't have brought this up

372. in the first place, but my check hasn't gone through.

373. Okay, you know what? Fuck this. I'm gonna

374. - put it on my credit card. - No, the money's on the table.

375. - You're making a scene. - I don't wanna make a scene

376. - so I'm gonna put it - I'm so embarrassed.

377. - on my credit card.

378. - So you're making a scene. - I'm not making, okay, fucking—

379. Time out, time out, time out.

380. How funny is this sketch?

381. - Huh?

382. Yeah, this is a funny fucking sketch, right guys?

383. But this sketch actually brings up an interesting point

384. that I want to talk to you all about tonight.

385. How many people out here in the audience,

386. how many of you guys agree with

387. the character, Karen, played by Sam,

388. that I brought her out on a date,

389. I should pay for the whole date?

390. Round of applause, how many people agree with that?

391. - Go ahead.

392. Okay.

393. Good.

394. How many people in this audience agree with my character

395. that this is the year 2008,

396. women have come a long way in our society

397. and it shouldn't be a big deal for a guy and a girl

398. to go out on a date and split the tab.

399. How many people think that's okay?

400. - Oh, my God.

401. Wow.

402. Would you know it, more people.

403. More people agree with my character.

404. That's really interesting.

405. So I guess I'm not totally crazy.

406. Right, Catherine?

407. - That's weird.

408. Uhh...

409. Yeah, what was— what the fuck, dude?

410. I don't feel comfortable continuing the sketch.

411. Sam, I don't really give a fuck what you think.

412. - And...

413. - I'd like to continue - That's kinda fucked up.

414. the sketch, and I'd like you to start playing the character,

415. like I said to do it.

416. - I want you to play— - No, I am definitely

417. - not doing it that way. - Do it like I said to do it

418. - in rehearsal. Do it right. - No.

419. Do it fucking right like I said in rehearsal.

420. - Ow. - Do it right.

421. Action, scene in, go.

422. Action.

423. - La-de-da-de-da. - Yes. Yeah.

424. And another thing, Catherine— Karen, sorry,

425. I'm sick to death of wearing condoms

426. because they fucking suck!

427. We're too young to have babies, Zach.

428. Yeah, well we're not gonna have babies

429. because you're on the pill!

430. Peace of mind, Zachary, peace of mind.

431. No, there's no— the peace of mind.

432. We've both been tested.

433. I'm clean, you're clean.

434. That's our fucking peace of mind.

435. - I'm scared, wahhh.

436. You don't need to be scared because you

437. pay your doctor a monthly premium.

438. Time out!

439. How many people agree with me, that condoms fucking suck?

440. Round of applause, please.

441. - Thank you. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

442. I'm sorry that I have to

443. - do this like this. - I didn't write this.

444. I know it's weird, no shit you didn't write this.

445. You don't write shit, shut the fuck up.

446. Dude, I didn't write...

447. Yeah, why don't you start playing the character

448. like I said to play it.

449. No, I'm not.

450. - Play it right. - No.

451. Shut up and do it right!

452. - I'm not gonna do it that way. - Do it like I said to do it.

453. - I'm not gonna, ugh. - Do it like I said to do it.

454. - Ow, ow, ow. - Play the role right,

455. - play it like we did - Fine! Fine! I'll—

456. in rehearsal. Good. Go, action, scene in.

457. - Yes. Yes.

458. Catherine, please stop eating so much food.

459. I can't stop eating.

460. Please fucking— please try and stop eating so much food.

461. Oh, uh oh, I think I shat myself.

462. Yeah, I'm not surprised because our apartment smells like shit

463. all the time.

464. I don't know how to read, doh-doh.

465. You don't know how to read because you have dyslexia

466. and that is annoying to me!

467. I am trying to ruin your life.

468. You are ruin— get the fuck off the stage.

469. - Thank you. - Fuck you.

470. Today, we've been doing a lot of interviews

471. and we went to, uh, we went to Sirius radio

472. and Sam said something stupid

473. and then we went to MTV and Sam wasn't there.

474. So that was a great interview.

475. And then, um, we did a bunch of interviews

476. at IFC

477. and I wasn't sitting in on the ones Sam did,

478. but I bet mine are smarter, um.

479. See and look, all he does is like make blowfish faces

480. rather than come up with an actual retort.

481. We really only keep him around for protection

482. 'cause he is like the biggest one in the group.

483. That's really the main reason that he's here.

484. Oh, you're making fun of me being fat.

485. Oh, right.

486. What kind of dinosaur will I get to be

487. - when I get to wear the head? - Um...

488. A fat one.

489. Wow, it's cool that you just caught my quitting

490. the troop on tape, right?

491. Thanks everybody for coming out.

492. Great show. Thank you.

493. Oh, my god.

494. - Holy shit.