The Whitest Kids U' Know 2x1

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Sam's Nut I The Dinosaur Rap Neil & Buzz Sam's Nut II Racist Show Pitches Air Dry Sam's Nut III Happier with your Mouth Open Fart Dinner Blind Not Blind

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey, sorry.

2. What took so long, man?

3. I was looking for my keys and my room's a mess.

4. Dude, your fly is down.

5. Oh, really, sorry.

6. And your nut is out.

7. Oh, is it?

8. Yes, it's hanging out there in the wide open!

9. How can you not notice that?

10. Oh, I left in a hurry, sorry.

11. You left in such a hurry that you pulled your pants on

12. and didn't notice that one of your balls was hanging out

13. as you walked outside into the world?

14. Well, the phone was ringing when I was leaving.

15. That shouldn't even, look, just tuck it back in

16. and zip your pants up.

17. Alright, alright.

18. Jesus.

19. So do you wanna go to the park?

20. Caleb and Michelle are playing Frisbee.

21. Yeah, we'll go to the park.

22. Probably should go to the store first and pick up some—

23. Dude, your nut's out again.

24. - Is it? - Yes.

25. Man, my zipper must be broken.

26. That shouldn't have anything to do with this.

27. Pants are weird.

28. Then buy some new pants.

29. But for God's sake, make sure your balls

30. are on the inside of them.

31. Okay, okay, hold on, I don't wanna munch any hairs.

32. Ah, gross!

33. Are you good now?

34. Yeah, I'm good.

35. Are you sure?

36. Yes, I'm good.

37. You're positive?

38. I'm good, dude.

39. No, you're not!

40. Ah, dude!

41. First rap song about getting high with dinosaurs.

42. - You welcome, internet.

43. How are we looking over here?

44. All systems look good, sir.

45. Pressure's holding steady?

46. Pressure is adequate.

47. When can we reestablish video link?

48. Video link should be coming through anytime now, sir.

49. It's exciting, isn't it?

50. It certainly is, sir.

51. Woo, we going the moon!

52. Yeah, moon, baby, here we come!

53. Woo, who's gonna the moon?

54. We going to the moon, fucking moon!

55. - Woo! - Whoo-hoo!

56. Paul 11, this is Houston.

57. How's everything going up there?

58. Things are going awesome, we're on our way to the moon.

59. Yeah, right now we are talking to you

60. while we're on our way to the mother-fuzucking moon!

61. - Woo! - Yeah.

62. Pounds, oh, two times, moon.

63. - Whoo! - Moon!

64. I see you have your flag there.

65. Hells yes, I got my flag!

66. And you're both clear on your mission, correct?

67. Hells yeah, we're clear.

68. I'm gonna land this sumbitch on the moon.

69. Yeah, Buzz is gonna land it.

70. Then Neil's gonna walk out.

71. Imma walk out.

72. And then Neil's gonna plant the flag!

73. Then we'll sling this thing into the moon.

74. And then we gonna own the moon!

75. Neil and Buzz, moon owners, woo!

76. Moon dance, oh, moon dance, oh, woo, moon!

77. Yeah, moon, the moon!

78. Okay, guys, guys, can you just calm down for a moment?

79. Dance of the moon.

80. Hold on, let me check.

81. No, we can't calm down

82. because we're on our way a-to the moon!

83. Okay, Neil and Buzz, I'm gonna need you

84. to check your carbon level

85. so I can make sure everything's checking out with the ship.

86. Okay, imma be straight with y'all.

87. I'm so excited, I forgot all that science stuff.

88. I don't know what none of these dials mean no more.

89. Okay, Buzz, can you read me your angle and vector?

90. Angle and vector be damned, we going to the moon.

91. I'm coming, bitch, I'm coming, bitch,

92. - I'm coming, bitch. - I see.

93. I'm coming, bitch, I'm coming, bitch.

94. Buzz, focus, read us your angle and vector now!

95. It's fine, the moon is right there

96. and I'm headed towards it at like a billion miles an hour.

97. We coming, bitch.

98. Neil, please!

99. Hey. Hey.

100. Sorry I'm late.

101. It's okay, all right.

102. They already turned the dog invisible.

103. Got some new pants.

104. Good, it's about time.

105. Yeah, I got this cool new shirt too.

106. That's cool.

107. Dude, one of your nuts is hanging out of your collar.

108. What? Really, oh.

109. This is ridiculous.

110. You know, I tried it on at the store,

111. but you know it never fits the same when you get home.

112. Yeah, I'm sure it's the store's fault, fix your nuts.

113. Oh, I'm switching seats.

114. Oh, but the...

115. So Candace has told me a lot about you.

116. Oh, well she said some really great things about you, too.

117. Just off the bat, I'm not one of those guys

118. that's into playing a lot of games, you know.

119. I just think we should have fun, no pressure.

120. Let's just relax and enjoy the night.

121. Okay, great, a little bit about me.

122. I am a strong, independent woman

123. and my career is really important to me.

124. I don't use tampons, I air dry,

125. and I'm loyal to my friends to a fault.

126. Some of my pet peeves are,

127. I don't like it when people just don't say what they mean

128. or they just say what you wanna hear

129. because it's like, you know what,

130. life is too short to deal with people like this.

131. Am I right, it's like, "Move on."

132. Also, I just like to say

133. that I like to lay everything out on the table.

134. So look at me, you know what you see is what you get.

135. Welcome back.

136. When we last left Sam and Brittany,

137. things were heating up in the Big Apple.

138. Let's see if their chemistry continues over dinner

139. or if this chem major shows Sam the door.

140. - It's an amazing time. - I'm having a blast.

141. - I'm having a blast. - I'm so happy.

142. Watch as something embarrassing happens

143. in three, two, one.

144. I know, we just gotta get out there, you know?

145. Yeah.

146. Oh, my God, is that one of your balls?

147. What a nut job!

148. Detective Murphy, I just got here.

149. What's the story?

150. Well, we got multiple stab wounds on the victims,

151. and there's obvious signs of a struggle

152. from the upstairs bedroom down.

153. Looks to me like a lovers' quarrel that turned ugly.

154. Real ugly, I'm gonna have to disagree

155. with your detective work, though.

156. I'd say it looks like we've got a serial killer.

157. Think it's our guy?

158. Matches his MO.

159. Look at how the head barely hangs on

160. by the flesh of the neck.

161. Hands and feet are completely removed.

162. Entire body's wrapped in its own intestines.

163. Man, I could have sworn it was a lovers' quarrel.

164. Rookie mistake.

165. The worst part is the man's two kids saw the whole thing.

166. They watched as their own father was brutally murdered

167. and sodomized right in front of their very eyes.

168. It's things like that

169. that just make you want to throw down your badge

170. and find this gutless scum off the books.

171. Cut, cut, cut, cut, good, good.

172. That was really flowing for me.

173. Yeah. I was feeling it.

174. I thought it was great.

175. Roger, can I give you a note real quick?

176. Sure.

177. I thought it was fantastic.

178. - Thanks. - I'm gonna try it again.

179. Okay.

180. I want you to think this time,

181. you know, this is not just a job for your character,

182. being a police officer is an obsession.

183. - Right. - You know,

184. when you were a kid,

185. you watched your own parents brutally murdered, okay?

186. So we're gonna bring that fire

187. and that rage up a little bit more on this one, yeah.

188. - Okay. - I want you to do it again.

189. I want you to do it happier and with your mouth open.

190. - What? - Yeah, happier

191. and with your mouth open, okay? I love it, I love it.

192. - I don't know what you mean. - You're doing great.

193. People, top of page 20 by lunch, that's the goal.

194. Let's roll camera!

195. Action.

196. Detective Murphy, I just got here.

197. What's the story?

198. Well, we got multiple stab wounds on the body.

199. There's obvious signs of a struggle from the upstairs down.

200. Looks to me like it was a lovers' quarrel

201. that turned ugly.

202. Real ugly, I'm going to have to disagree

203. with your detective work.

204. I'd say it looks like we've got a serial killer.

205. You think this was our guy?

206. Matched his MO.

207. See how the head barely hangs on by the flesh

208. - of the neck? Cut, cut.

209. Yeah, I don't think this is the way. I don't feel like this—

210. Roger, you're doing a great job, you're doing a great job.

211. Mitchell, real quick, if I may?

212. I'm loving it.

213. Loving every frame of it, it's great.

214. I wanna try it again.

215. I wanna try it with a bit more fire.

216. You know, your character's seen it all, he's a tough cop.

217. Been on the force for years.

218. But one thing that really drives him crazy

219. is when harm comes to children.

220. And that's what we got here, right?

221. So, he could do anything.

222. We don't know, I want that unpredictability.

223. You know, your virile, right?

224. So we're gonna do it again.

225. And this time we're gonna go even, even happier

226. and with your mouth open, okay?

227. Mr. Sheldon, can we talk about this?

228. You're gonna be great, you're gonna be great.

229. - Roger? - Yeah, I have a question.

230. Happier, mouth open even more.

231. - What? - All right, team,

232. time is money, I don't have to tell you that.

233. Let's roll that camera, action.

234. Detective Murphy, I just got here, what's the story?

235. Well, we got multiple stab wounds on the bodies.

236. Seems like there was a struggle from the upstairs down.

237. Seems to me like it was a lovers' quarrel

238. that turned ugly.

239. Real ugly, I'm going to have to disagree with your

240. - detective work— Cut, cut, cut.

241. - This is not right. - What?

242. - It's not working. - Yeah, it's not working.

243. Okay.

244. - We gotta fix it. - Yes, thank you, okay.

245. Okay, Roger, we're gonna do it again.

246. Forget all, forget everything, okay?

247. Good, done.

248. - Clean slate. - Okay.

249. We're gonna do this completely

250. way, way, way, way, way happier.

251. Your mouth is gonna be way, way, way, way more open, okay?

252. Just big time.

253. Mitchell, I want to see you happier.

254. With your mouth open.

255. You guys are on the same page.

256. That's why we're a team, I love it!

257. This is gonna be magic.

258. Everybody, this is the money shot.

259. I feel it in my bones.

260. Roll that camera, action.

261. Hi, how is everyone?

262. My name is Timothy, and I will be your server this evening,

263. if you'll have me?

264. - Yes, we will have you. - Okay, great.

265. Well, I will go let my manager know that

266. and I'll be right back for your orders.

267. So, Darnell, our daughter, Cindy,

268. tells us many, many things about you.

269. Ah, only good things, I hope.

270. Oh, good things, good things.

271. But she hasn't told us how you two met.

272. Oh, well that's a really interesting story, actually.

273. We were both in biology class

274. and we were assigned as lab partners together.

275. Well, he sure is a looker, Cindy.

276. I told you, Mom.

277. Oh, please, how did you meet your lovely wife?

278. That's an interesting story, actually.

279. I was in the Navy and Samantha here happened to be

280. in the Peace Corps, and we were both stationed

281. - in Mauritania, of all—

282. Oh, man.

283. Oh, I'm sorry.

284. Oh, God.

285. Oh, no.

286. Oh, not at dinner.

287. Oh, I'm sorry, everybody.

288. Oh, oh, does that smell?

289. Oh, does that smell really bad, everybody?

290. Well, did you actually pass gas

291. or did you just make that sound with your mouth?

292. Oh, no!

293. Oh, God!

294. This is a wet one!

295. Oh, no, I can't believe this is happening at dinner.

296. Well, somebody help!

297. Call an ambulance.

298. I'm just joking, I did that all with my mouth.

299. That wasn't a real fart.

300. Look at this guy's face.

301. You believed me, this guy believed me.

302. I did that all with my mouth.

303. Honey, um...

304. I think I'm gonna get the shrimp.

305. What's everyone else having?

306. I was thinking about having the meatloaf.

307. Oh, that's funny because I was actually thinking

308. about getting—

309. Oh, no, it's back!

310. But this time, it's real!

311. This is a real fart!

312. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

313. I gotta go!

314. Somebody order for me!

315. Okay, I must be missing something here.

316. No, you're not missing anything.

317. Again, I did that all with my mouth.

318. That was completely fake, that was all up here.

319. I understand that, Darnell.

320. It's just that we're at a very nice restaurant.

321. I know, don't worry, I'm not really farting.

322. It's all up here.

323. I understand that.

324. Somebody...

325. call a fart doctor.

326. This is the big one!

327. Darnell.

328. Could you stop that, please?

329. Yes, I can at any time, it's all fake.

330. Sir, if you don't stop doing that,

331. I'll have to ask you to leave the restaurant.

332. Oh, the waiter believed me.

333. The waiter bought it, the waiter fell for it.

334. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

335. - Honey! - Waiter wins a prize.

336. Cherry, cherry, cherry, slot machine, ding, ding, ding.

337. Honey, what are you doing?

338. I don't know, I'm trying to impress your parents.

339. D-A-R

340. R-E.

341. Okay, and the next line?

342. N-I-S-A

343. P-O-O-F.

344. Okay, you are pretty much completely blind.

345. - Really? - Yeah, I'm surprised

346. you haven't noticed this before.

347. Well, doctor, I don't believe you.

348. I mean everything's, you know, blurry and fuzzy.

349. Well, that's the thing.

350. Things aren't supposed to look blurry and fuzzy.

351. What?

352. Here, try these.

353. Holy guacamole!

354. Everything's sharp and defined!

355. Welcome to the world.

356. Leaping lizards!

357. I can't believe I've gone my whole life

358. without seeing the beauty of alcohol prep pads,

359. and your ceiling, it's gorgeous!

360. Doctor, your floor looks like a firework show!

361. Just wait until you see a firework show.

362. Honey, sorry, I got bored in the waiting room.

363. So, how are your eyes?

364. My eyes are fixed, oh, God.

365. Wonderful!

366. Maybe if I just...

367. It's no use, the damage is done.

368. What damage, what are you looking at?

369. Who'd have thought my life's highest point

370. and its lowest would come a mere minute apart?

371. My world was given to me in the form of my restored vision,

372. but it was cruelly taken away

373. in the form of, I married a fat sow.

374. You know we can hear every single word

375. you're saying right now?

376. I loved you!

377. I knew.

378. That's well played.

379. You should check out pornography.

380. Holy shit!

381. That's original.