The Whitest Kids U' Know 1x9

1. Okay, pirates. Pirates.

2. Shiver me timbers! - Pirates, up here.

3. - Pirates!

4. - Pirates! Pirates!

5. I have an announcement!

6. Shiver me timbers!

7. Pirates! Pirates!

8. Up here.

9. Pirates!

10. Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum.

11. Pirates, up here, up here.

12. Look, pirates. Pirates.

13. I have an announcement!

14. Look, look, look, look!

15. Pirates. Look, look, look!

16. I have...

17. Pirates, up here!

18. Up here! Pirates!

19. Pirates. Pirates!

20. Pirates!

21. Look, look, look, look!

22. Pirates!

23. - I have an announcement!

24. Pirates!

25. - Pirates!

26. There's not gonna be any food on—

27. Pirates!

28. Pirates!

29. Look, look, look, pirates!

30. - Richard! - Candace!

31. I thought I'd find you here!

32. What're you doing here?

33. I thought I'd find you here at the old glory hole!

34. I thought I told you to wait in the car.

35. It got hot in the car and you have the keys!

36. Candace, I'm kinda busy right now.

37. Richard, get out of that glory hole!

38. I can explain this.

39. 13 years of marriage and time after time,

40. I find you back here at the old GD glory hole!

41. I'm sorry. I was weak.

42. Get out of the glory hole, Richard!

43. Okay. I just...

44. Are you mad? Can we talk about this?

45. We can talk about this,

46. but first you need to get out of that glory hole!

47. I want you to know that you're a hundred percent right

48. and I'm wrong and I just—

49. Get out of the glory hole!

50. Okay, okay, I will, I just...

51. Candace, I love you and I know we're meant to be together,

52. but lately it seems like, and maybe it's me, I'm just—

53. All the time you're telling me this

54. and you have your thing stuck in that glory hole!

55. You hate me, don't you?

56. - Yes. - You said yes!

57. Oh, no, no, no. I wasn't saying yes to you.

58. Sorry, I was saying yes to the glory hole.

59. I can't believe you can look me in the eye

60. while some strange man is performing sin on you!

61. Whoa, whoa, who said anything about it being a man?

62. That's the beauty of the glory hole,

63. is that you don't know who's on the other side.

64. It could be anybody from—

65. Richard, get out of the glory hole!

66. - Okay, I will. I will. - Get out!

67. Out of the glory hole!

68. Hold on, wait, time out!

69. - Get out! Get— - Time out!

70. - Just time out! - I—

71. - Time out, Candace! - Get!

72. - Richard! - Okay, okay.

73. - Get out! Out! - All right, wait.

74. - Shh, shh. - Out! What?

75. Do you hear that? Someone's in here.

76. I heard someone get in here.

77. Be quiet. Shh.

78. - Rick! - Okay!

79. - Get out! - I will!

80. - Out of the glory hole! - All right, I will. Just wait!

81. Out of the glory hole now!

82. Get out! Just wait one second!

83. Please wait! Hold on.

84. Okay, I'm finished.

85. So for my birthday, my mom got me this big jar of honey

86. and this big jar of jelly.

87. I'm gonna have the best sandwiches now, you guys.

88. Wow, that's really interesting to me.

89. Zach, when's your birthday?

90. Guess.

91. I don't know, March 10th.

92. Close.

93. - Yeah? - Keep going. Yeah, guess.

94. I don't know, just March 11th.

95. - No. - Zach, just tell me

96. - when your birthday is. No, just keep going.

97. - You're almost there. Guess. - "Oh, look at me, I'm Zach.

98. It's not enough that you're asking me when my birthday is.

99. I gotta make a game out of it 'cause I need attention."

100. Trevor, what the fuck? Come here.

101. What? What?

102. Trevor, you know I have an attention problem, man.

103. - What are you talking about? - What am I talking about?

104. I have an attention problem. I need it.

105. I crave it all the time, okay?

106. I'm working on it,

107. but don't fucking bring that shit up in front of people, man.

108. That is retarded.

109. Trevor, I have Attention Deficit Disorder, okay?

110. That's not even what that means.

111. That is what that means!

112. You're just being a drama queen.

113. Shut the fuck up!

114. I have Attention Deficit Disorder.

115. I'm working on it. I'm trying to better myself.

116. Don't bring it up in front of people, man.

117. Let's go back but shut it.

118. Shut it.

119. Hey, we couldn't hear you guys

120. 'cause you guys were over there and we were over here.

121. Yeah.

122. Oh, hey, Zach, isn't your birthday on March first, right?

123. Timmy is correct! Timmy wins the prize.

124. Way to go, Timmy.

125. Oh yeah, that's the same day as Candace's birthday.

126. Oh, yeah.

127. Oh, Candace, how is she?

128. I haven't seen her in years.

129. She's good, she's good.

130. That guy stopped stalking her.

131. - Oh! - What?

132. Oh God!

133. - Oh, Zach, are you okay? - No, my toe!

134. No, guys, help, help.

135. - Zach, come over here. - My toe hurts.

136. - Timmy, hold it up. - Look, guys,

137. he didn't really hurt his foot, all right?

138. He just wants attention.

139. Trevor, you did it again!

140. Trevor, not cool!

141. He's hurt and he's our friend.

142. No, he's not, and no, he's not.

143. Look, he just wants attention.

144. He told me over there.

145. You guys started talking about Candace,

146. so he needed to make it about him again.

147. - Tell 'em, Zach. - Is that true, Zach?

148. Yeah, it is true, Timmy.

149. You see, guys, I have Attention Deficit Disorder.

150. That's so sad, Zach. I never knew.

151. I know. Not many people do, Darren.

152. But I wrote a song about it that helps explain my condition.

153. If you guys would care to hear it,

154. - I'd sing it for you gladly. Yeah.

155. Sure, take a seat. I'll stand up on the stage.

156. - He's doing it again. Trevor,

157. shut the fuck up.

158. Here we go.

159. Turn around, turn around, turn around.

160. - Ignore him. Look ahead.

161. 'Cause he's addicted to attention

162. and we're playing into his addiction.

163. This is the only way we can help him.

164. Just look straight ahead and ignore him.

165. Guys, guys.

166. I'm like baring my heart here.

167. Hello, it's rude to turn your back on me.

168. Guys.

169. My foot still really, really hurts

170. 'cause I think I might've cracked

171. or something is sprained.

172. Guys, I need to go to a doctor. We gotta get this checked out.

173. Guys, guys, look!

174. Guys, look at me!

175. I am fat!

176. I am so fat!

177. And I don't think I'm gonna eat anything for a while,

178. or maybe I'll eat something and then I'll just throw it up!

179. No, Zach, you look fine!

180. - I do? - Sam, be strong!

181. Look forward!

182. But that kind of behavior's dangerous!

183. Look forward!

184. Guys!

185. I want you to look so bad.

186. I wanna look so badly.

187. Darren, this is the only way we can help him.

188. Darren.

189. Guys!

190. Look at me.

191. You know what I'm doing?

192. I'm taking up cuttin'.

193. I'm a cutter, cutting myself back here

194. because pain is the only thing that is real.

195. Guys!

196. Guys!

197. I'm gonna kill myself.

198. I'm gonna hang myself now, guys.

199. Hello, if you don't look,

200. I'm gonna hang myself with a rope.

201. I made the noose already.

202. Please look, guys.

203. Please don't make me do this.

204. This is your last chance to pay attention to me!

205. Fine!

206. Zach, do you need attention anymore?

207. All right. See?

208. Now that he's calmed down,

209. we can go back and hang out with him.

210. See?

211. - Oh. Oh.

212. He's dead.

213. Yeah. Yeah.

214. Yeah, sometimes that'll happen to people like that.

215. I mean, he really was just doing it for attention,

216. but sometimes those people will die

217. if you ignore them.

218. I don't really know what we learned here today.

219. No.

220. Let's just not hang out for a little while.

221. - Yes. - Yeah, good idea.

222. These here are the schematics

223. for the Johnson Bergstein Witts Eisner Bank... Berg.

224. Now, this is the south entrance.

225. There's a guard who stands watch here 24 hours a day,

226. seven days a week.

227. However, every Saturday morning at eight AM,

228. he takes a bathroom break.

229. And that's when we're gonna take all his money.

230. Ah, no, Flat Baby. Hold it.

231. We're not assembling a crack team here

232. just to mug a guard, right?

233. Thinking bigger than that.

234. No, that's when we're gonna sneak past

235. down this hallway here to this stairway.

236. Once we're at this stairway,

237. Smokestack, you and I will stand watch.

238. Flat Baby, you and Train Bike proceed down the steps,

239. putting you out here in the basement.

240. You'll go down this hallway to the safe.

241. It should take Flat Baby

242. no more than 13 minutes to crack the vault,

243. and by noon we should be back here sipping martinis,

244. very, very wealthy men.

245. Any questions?

246. How do we get from this building to that building?

247. What?

248. How do we get from this building's stairway

249. to that building's stairway?

250. Right, this is the same stairway.

251. See, this is the blueprint for the—the first ground floor

252. and this is the basement.

253. So this stairway is that stairway, right?

254. There's like a secret tunnel

255. that connects this stairway to that stairway?

256. Okay, Train Bike, follow me here, right?

257. It's two floors, same building, capisce?

258. Identical buildings?

259. No, it is the same building.

260. This stairway is this stairway, right?

261. This is on top of that, like this.

262. So it's the same thing.

263. It's just drawn.

264. These are two drawings of the same thing.

265. It's a drawing.

266. I'm just gonna have to see it.

267. Okay, let's all meet at seven.

268. Saturday morning, right?

269. Let's have a good one.

270. Okay, what went wrong?

271. Smokestack and I stood at the top of the staircase

272. for a good 20 minutes.

273. Um, what happened?

274. We were looking for that tunnel.

275. Your blueprint is completely wrong.

276. Okay.

277. Train Bike, try and follow me here, right?

278. This building is that building.

279. It's the same building.

280. This sits on top of it. It's a drawing.

281. So this sits there.

282. So you just go down the stairs

283. and you'll be here in the hallway, right?

284. Okay.

285. Same plan, but we're gonna swap me

286. and Train Bike, all right?

287. Train Bike, you and Smokestack will stand guard at the top.

288. Flat Baby, you and I will go down to the vault.

289. Are we good?

290. Okay, let's have a good one.

291. Where was everybody?

292. I said Saturday, seven o'clock.

293. I showed up Saturday, seven o'clock

294. and I waited alone for an hour.

295. Where were you guys?

296. Soccer.

297. Okay. That's okay, that's fine.

298. Um, it's just polite and it's a courtesy

299. to be where you say you're gonna be, right?

300. Say seven o'clock, you'll be there at seven o'clock.

301. It's professional.

302. Let's try it again.

303. Saturday, seven o'clock.

304. Smokestack. Got a couple notes for you.

305. How about next week when we try this robbery again,

306. we don't go running screaming towards the bank

307. from eight blocks away. For two reasons.

308. One, it draws attention to ourselves.

309. What was it you were yelling again?

310. "Put your hands up, bank."

311. Right, yes, that draws attention.

312. And two, as we all see, you get tired

313. and you have to sit down still a couple blocks away

314. from bank to catch your breath, right?

315. Okay, Train Bike.

316. Maybe let's not bring our guitar to the robbery next week.

317. Good. Flat Baby.

318. Who the fuck were all those people?

319. I had some friends visiting from out of town.

320. Okay, well don't bring 'em to the robbery!

321. I can't believe I need to remind everyone about this,

322. but what we're doing here is not exactly legal.

323. Saturday, seven o'clock.

324. Okay, where the fuck is everybody?

325. Okay, we had some more problems this week and I wanna...

326. Who is this person?

327. Timmy! - No, no, no, no!

328. Okay, we have more problems to discuss this week.

329. Can I just say something?

330. Next weekend is my birthday.

331. Could you be quiet?

332. We have big, big, big, big, big, big,

333. big, big, big, big, big issues.

334. Smokestack, would you please refrain

335. from detailing these meetings on your blog?

336. I Googled myself this week and, ah!

337. Everything we've discussed here.

338. And every time you use the word bank,

339. you have a hyperlink to the bank's website!

340. It's just a diary.

341. It's the worldwide web!

342. If you didn't want him to write that stuff on there,

343. you should have just called him during the week

344. and told him to take it down.

345. I don't have his phone number.

346. I don't even know any of your real names

347. for anonymity's sake.

348. Train Bike.

349. Craigslist, never again.

350. Secretary of Agriculture, Secretary of State,

351. and Homeland Security.

352. As the first female president of this nation,

353. my initial 100 days of office are crucial.

354. I need all three of you to deliver to me tomorrow by noon

355. a status report about your departments.

356. Is that understood?

357. Yes, sir.

358. Ma'am, ma'am. Yes ma'am.

359. Okay.

360. Good.

361. Did I say I need those reports in triplicate?

362. No, I don't believe so.

363. 'Cause I do.

364. Okay.

365. Triplicate.

366. Triplicate.

367. Okay.

368. Okay.

369. I'd like to welcome everybody back from summer vacation

370. to another exciting semester of class.

371. Before we get started, did anyone have any exciting stories

372. they wanted to share about their summer breaks?

373. Well, Mom and Dad's divorce isn't going so well.

374. And I see that Steven is back again this year.

375. Hello, Steven.

376. Things are getting pretty ugly

377. and Dad lost his job 'cause he showed up at Mom's house,

378. which is against the law.

379. That's great, Steven. That's great.

380. Dad also has to go to court

381. 'cause he beat up one of Mom's boyfriends

382. at the gas station, but it was okay

383. 'cause Mom had four different boyfriends this summer

384. and they all stayed over.

385. Wonderful, Steven.

386. Dad says she's really showing her true colors

387. and he wouldn't be surprised if she dies of AIDs.

388. Steven, maybe this isn't the best conversation

389. for us to be having in the middle of class.

390. You know, I thought about that,

391. but then my psychiatrist said

392. I should talk about it whenever I can,

393. and since you guys are really the only family I have left,

394. it's kind of like I'm confiding in my comfort circle.

395. I can't believe I have another year of this.

396. The big question right now is who I'm going to live with.

397. Mom and Dad are both accusing each other of substance abuse

398. and endangering the welfare of a child,

399. and to be honest, they both have solid, solid cases.

400. Did anyone else do anything special over break? Sam?

401. Well, my parents brought me out to Montauk.

402. Oh my god, that sounds so nice.

403. The last time my parents went anywhere together

404. it was 'cause my dad tried to kidnap my mom

405. and take her to Louisiana against her will—

406. Steven!

407. I would like to hear from the other students now.

408. Darren.

409. Yeah, I also went to the beach

410. and I asked my girlfriend to marry me,

411. and she said yes because I'm 26 years old and in law school.

412. Wow, that's really nice, Darren, but you shouldn't marry her

413. if she only said yes 'cause you're in law school,

414. 'cause it's really not enough foundation

415. to make a marriage last. And trust me, it is really hard

416. to make a marriage last in today's times.

417. What with conflicting schedules,

418. financial burdens, crystal meth—

419. - Steven! - How does he get good grades?

420. I don't know.

421. But he is a borderline genius

422. when it comes to nuptial contracts

423. and estate settlements.

424. Hey, you guys wanna hear a song I wrote about my parents?

425. No!

426. Son of a bitch, Steven.

427. Shut up!

428. I'm going! Go home, go home.

429. You go home! - I'm going right now!

430. Okay, see ya!

431. Not if I see you first!

432. Hey, man!

433. Wait, is this the tattoo parlor on the porn shop?

434. Which one did I go in?

435. This is the tattoo parlor.

436. Oh, good, good, good.

437. I wanna get a tattoo.

438. Will you shut the door, please?

439. Yeah, man. I wanna get a tattoo.

440. Can you do that?

441. Stop. You been drinking?

442. - Yeah. - Doing some drinking tonight?

443. - Yeah! - Wasted?

444. Yeah, well...

445. Sir, I'm not gonna give you a tattoo tonight.

446. No, no, no. Listen. Wait till you hear what I want.

447. It's gonna be good.

448. I want to get a tattoo on my gun.

449. On your gun? - Yeah, on my gun right there.

450. I wanna get Bowser from the super...

451. - from "Super Mar—" - "Super Mario Brothers."

452. "Super Mario Brothers 2!"

453. I wanna get Bowser from "Super Mario Brothers 2."

454. You know, he's the dinosaur with the turtle shell—

455. - Right. - ... over him

456. and he's the bad guy.

457. I want to get Bowser on my arm,

458. but he's got sunglasses on.

459. And he's like looking over the sunglasses like, wink.

460. Like, you know.

461. So it's got Bowser, and he's got shades

462. and he's being all cool.

463. - Yeah. - And I want him to have

464. - a double neck guitar. Yeah.

465. Like one of those guitars with the double necks.

466. - Okay, sir— - Double, two head.

467. What do they call those things?

468. - Double neck guitar. - Yeah, double neck guitar.

469. And he's like wailing on the guitar—

470. Stop. - ... like notes are

471. - coming out of it. - Sir, stop.

472. You are in no condition to be getting a tattoo right now.

473. I am in a condition to get a tattoo

474. and I would like one, please. Thank you very much.

475. - No. - Yes!

476. No, sir, this is a commitment that you're about to make.

477. I know, having a tattoo is a responsibility,

478. but it's also our right to have tattoos.

479. So I wanna get a tattoo and I want it to be...

480. So he's wailing on the guitar,

481. notes are coming out everywhere

482. so people can see that he's like playing guitar,

483. but he's also on a surfboard!

484. He's on a surfboard.

485. So like, and waves are coming up at the bottom.

486. So he's like surfing and like wailing at the same time

487. and then in cursive over it, it'll say, "Let's party."

488. Okay. All right, let me run through this

489. just so I have it clear in my head.

490. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

491. - You wanna get Bowser? Yeah.

492. Right? With shades? - Yeah.

493. Wailing on a double neck guitar, notes coming out?

494. - Uh-huh. - He's on a surfboard.

495. Yeah.

496. And above him in cursive it says, "Let's party."

497. - Yes! Right.

498. - You forgot the pot leaf! - The pot leaf!

499. Yeah! The whole thing's in front of a big pot leaf.

500. Really? - Yeah!

501. - Right, yeah. - And then all that

502. is on a cross

503. 'cause I'm like really religious

504. 'cause my mom died when I was young, so I'll get that too.

505. Sir, you've given this tattoo zero thought.

506. No, I have given this tattoo some thought.

507. You're making it up as you talk to me right now!

508. I am not. I wanted this tattoo for 16 years.

509. - What? - And, oh, wait, no,

510. instead of "Let's party,"

511. have it say, "Happy birthday, Rick."

512. 'Cause he is having a birthday party tomorrow night

513. and he will freak out if he sees that.

514. Okay, you know what? Fuck it.

515. - Come on. - Really?

516. - Let's go in the back room. - Oh, awesome, man!

517. - Happy birthday, Rick. - Yeah!

518. Hi, Jim Biederman.