1. And it was at that moment,Copy !req
2. that Derrick realizedCopy !req
3. that he was the cat's claw,Copy !req
4. of the west.Copy !req
5. The end.Copy !req
6. God dammit!Copy !req
7. Where's my keyboard?Copy !req
8. Wha—Copy !req
9. I didn't type anything?Copy !req
10. Seven hours?Copy !req
11. Sharon!Copy !req
12. God, leave the pies in
the kitchen where they belong!Copy !req
13. Ugh!Copy !req
14. Man, I can't believe this
is the last day of class.Copy !req
15. I know, man.Copy !req
16. All I gotta do is get
a C plus and I pass.Copy !req
17. - That's awesome.
- Yeah.Copy !req
18. - That's good.
Hey gang.Copy !req
19. Hey there.Copy !req
20. Well, here we are.Copy !req
21. It's the last day of
school before summer,Copy !req
22. that's exciting, right?Copy !req
23. And for you seniors, Darren,Copy !req
24. the last day of
your college career.Copy !req
25. Congratulations, that's great.Copy !req
26. However, as I stated
in your syllabus,Copy !req
27. the exercises that we
do in today's classCopy !req
28. is gonna account for
50 percent of your grades.Copy !req
29. Okay? So we're gonna have
a lot of fun, we are.Copy !req
30. But we're gonna take 'em
real seriously, okay?Copy !req
31. Uh, who would like to go first?Copy !req
32. Oh, Timmy, why don't
you pop up, good.Copy !req
33. Darren, why don't you pop up?Copy !req
34. Great.Copy !req
35. Okay, uh, stand apart
from each other.Copy !req
36. Timmy, come around
here, face Darren.Copy !req
37. Okay, this game is
called cause and effect.Copy !req
38. One person will be the leader,Copy !req
39. and the leader's jobCopy !req
40. is to physically affect
the other from a distance.Copy !req
41. The follower's job is to
be physically affected.Copy !req
42. Everyone will lead twice.Copy !req
43. We'll go in 30 second chunks.Copy !req
44. Darren, would you
like to lead first?Copy !req
45. - Sure.
- Okay, let's have fun, guys.Copy !req
46. Here we go.Copy !req
47. And, begin.Copy !req
48. Great.Copy !req
49. Good. It's not a mirror
exercise, guys.Copy !req
50. Good, Timmy, I like that.Copy !req
51. Very nice. Very nice.Copy !req
52. Okay, let's switch.Copy !req
53. Timmy, you lead.Copy !req
54. Great.Copy !req
55. Great job, good.Copy !req
56. Darren, I'm gonna
give you a note.Copy !req
57. I want you to take my note
and use it, incorporate it.Copy !req
58. Okay? Enjoyment.Copy !req
59. I want you to enjoy this, go.Copy !req
60. You like it.Copy !req
61. Yes.Copy !req
62. Enjoy it. Okay.Copy !req
63. And Darren, you lead, swap back.Copy !req
64. Ooh.Copy !req
65. A lot of violence.Copy !req
66. That's okay.Copy !req
67. Everything's okay here.Copy !req
68. Lot of violent energy.Copy !req
69. - Okay.Copy !req
70. Stabbing.Copy !req
71. Hitting and stabbing.Copy !req
72. Okay, that's okay.Copy !req
73. Everything's okay here.Copy !req
74. Great, let's swap back.Copy !req
75. Timmy, you lead.Copy !req
76. Great.Copy !req
77. Okay, Darren, enjoyment.Copy !req
78. Enjoyment.
You like it, you enjoy it.Copy !req
79. You respond positively.Copy !req
80. Oh, Timmy's doing
some exploring.Copy !req
81. That's good, I always
want to encourage that.Copy !req
82. Okay, you are exploring.Copy !req
83. Darren, you like it.Copy !req
84. You like it, okay?Copy !req
85. It's a—it's a happy time now.Copy !req
86. "Yes and" that's the first rule.Copy !req
87. "Yes and."Copy !req
88. Good, Timmy, good.Copy !req
89. Now Darren, see what he is
doing with his hand here?Copy !req
90. See how that's happening?Copy !req
91. Let's, let's use that.Copy !req
92. Let's like it, Darren.Copy !req
93. Darren, why don't we like it?Copy !req
94. We do like this.Copy !req
95. Okay.Copy !req
96. Oh, Timmy.Copy !req
97. Wow.
Okay, Darren, what do we do?Copy !req
98. We enjoy.Copy !req
99. We say, "Yes and."
"Yes and" so you—Copy !req
100. No, I can't do this!Copy !req
101. Darren, you fail
my class, get out!Copy !req
102. Go, go.Copy !req
103. Hey, how's it going,
Bathalthazar?Copy !req
104. Not bad, Diaconisese.Copy !req
105. Hot night in Hell, huh?Copy !req
106. Yeah, you're telling me.Copy !req
107. What are you working on tonight?Copy !req
108. Well, I gotta go rape
some rapists.Copy !req
109. And then after that I'm gonna
go burn some childrenCopy !req
110. who didn't listen
to their parents.Copy !req
111. Oh, sweet shift. Not bad.Copy !req
112. So what are you doing?Copy !req
113. I got stuck with
Ouija board duty.Copy !req
114. Graveyard shift.Copy !req
115. - That sucks, man.
- Yeah.Copy !req
116. It's like, hey,
who's in Hell here?Copy !req
117. Yeah, hope you
like slumber parties.Copy !req
118. Ah, don't get me started.Copy !req
119. Oh God, that's me.Copy !req
120. Let's see.Copy !req
121. Great, it's in Kansas, fantastic.Copy !req
122. 10 bucks says
it's a bunch of little kids.Copy !req
123. Of course it's a bunch of
little kids, it's a Ouija board.Copy !req
124. Well, I hope
you're all studied upCopy !req
125. on who has crushes on who.Copy !req
126. Yeah, very funny.Copy !req
127. All right, I gotta go.
Burn in Hell.Copy !req
128. - Burn in Hell.Copy !req
129. Whoa!
- Oh my God, this is so fun!Copy !req
130. - This is this scary!
- Oh, great, perfect.Copy !req
131. - No, that's adorable.Copy !req
132. - Stay focused, girls! Focus!
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
133. - Focus.
- All right.Copy !req
134. - Okay, hands on.
- Hands on.Copy !req
135. - Hands on.
- Okay.Copy !req
136. Oh, spirits of
other dimensions.Copy !req
137. Yeah, what?Copy !req
138. We have questions
for your great wisdom.Copy !req
139. Come on, spit it out.Copy !req
140. Does Bobby Flanagan
have a crush on me?Copy !req
141. Oh my God!
- Come on.Copy !req
142. - Come on!Copy !req
143. I'm a demon with friggin'
powers, all right?Copy !req
144. You guys have me playing
match in a rec room.Copy !req
145. - Here we go. Focus
- Okay, okay. Okay.Copy !req
146. - Focus, focus.
- Focus hard. Here we go.Copy !req
147. Oh, great. Perfect.Copy !req
148. This is gonna be loud.Copy !req
149. - Yes.Copy !req
150. - Oh my God, you moved it!
- I didn't! I didn't!Copy !req
151. Did you move it?Copy !req
152. - I moved it!Copy !req
153. - I moved it!Copy !req
154. - You summoned me here.Copy !req
155. You freakin' brats
never believe me.Copy !req
156. - Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Okay, it's okay.Copy !req
157. - Let's go again. All right.
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
158. Okay, here we go.
Okay.Copy !req
159. Okay.Copy !req
160. Is Bobby Flanagan
going to ask BeckyCopy !req
161. to the social this Christmas?Copy !req
162. - Oh my God. Oh my God.Copy !req
163. Oh my God, oh my God.
Okay. Okay.Copy !req
164. - Shush, shush.
- Okay, here we go.Copy !req
165. - Okay, here we go.
- Okay. Okay.Copy !req
166. Please God, no.Copy !req
167. Ah, of course.Copy !req
168. Of course he is, great.Copy !req
169. If only demons
had the ability to lie.Copy !req
170. - Yes.Copy !req
171. Oh my God, oh my God!Copy !req
172. You moved it again!
You did!Copy !req
173. - I moved it!Copy !req
174. You summoned a spirit hereCopy !req
175. to answer your benign
questions about Bobby Flanagan!Copy !req
176. Your backwards
12-year-old brainsCopy !req
177. cannot possibly
begin to the fathomCopy !req
178. the power and possibilities
you have before you!Copy !req
179. And you're asking me to
pass a note in gym class!Copy !req
180. Okay, guys. Focus, focus.Copy !req
181. - Here we go. Here we go.
- Okay. Okay. All right.Copy !req
182. - Okay, here we go.
- Focus.Copy !req
183. - Fairy?
- I'm a demon!Copy !req
184. Fairy?Copy !req
185. Are Becky and Bobby
gonna get marriedCopy !req
186. and have like 22 babies?Copy !req
187. - Oh my God! That's so many!
- Oh my!Copy !req
188. - Focus, focus, focus
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
189. - Here we go.
- All rightCopy !req
190. get ready for
disappointment, kids.Copy !req
191. What?Copy !req
192. Are you—?Copy !req
193. 22 on the nose?Copy !req
194. That's—F!Copy !req
195. This is some effed up S.Copy !req
196. Ah, I wish demons had
the ability to cuss.Copy !req
197. - Yes.Copy !req
198. Oh my God! Oh my God!Copy !req
199. You're gonna have 22 babies!Copy !req
200. That's it, that's it.Copy !req
201. - Whoa, woops!Copy !req
202. - Whoa, it's floating.Copy !req
203. - Whoa, whoa!Copy !req
204. It's possessed!Copy !req
205. I'm gonna get ya!Copy !req
206. And stop playing
with Ouija boards!Copy !req
207. Bathalthazar!Copy !req
208. Uh, yes, Satan?Copy !req
209. Did I just see
you scaring those kidsCopy !req
210. with the Ouija board?Copy !req
211. Well, yeah, but they—they were
asking really stupid questions.Copy !req
212. Bathalthazar,
you know our first priorityCopy !req
213. is to entertain.Copy !req
214. I know.Copy !req
215. I'm very
disappointed in you.Copy !req
216. If I had the ability to punish
anyone unjustly, I would.Copy !req
217. But alas, I am Satan.Copy !req
218. So instead, I'm putting you
on Magic Eight Ball duty.Copy !req
219. No!Copy !req
220. Okay, Sandra,
listen carefully.Copy !req
221. I'm gonna go outside.Copy !req
222. I'm gonna put this mask on.Copy !req
223. I'm gonna wait in
the backyard for five minutes.Copy !req
224. Then I'm gonna come
through that door.Copy !req
225. I'm gonna chase you
around a little bit,Copy !req
226. and then I'm gonna rape you.Copy !req
227. You are?Copy !req
228. Yes.Copy !req
229. This is called role-playing.Copy !req
230. I like role-playing.Copy !req
231. Yeah, we are spicing
up our marriage.Copy !req
232. And you said you wanted to
do a rape fantasy, right?Copy !req
233. Yeah, like on TV.Copy !req
234. Yeah, but last time we did this,Copy !req
235. you called the policeCopy !req
236. and I had to spend
the night in jailCopy !req
237. trying to explain myself.Copy !req
238. Is that where you were?Copy !req
239. Yes, Sandra. I was in jail.Copy !req
240. I was looking for you.Copy !req
241. Yeah, you're forgetful,
aren't you?Copy !req
242. I got scared.Copy !req
243. Yeah, but that's not
gonna happen again, right?Copy !req
244. Because this time
if you get scared,Copy !req
245. you're gonna remember to
say the safe word, right?Copy !req
246. I forget the safe
word sometimes.Copy !req
247. It's banana.Copy !req
248. Banana?Copy !req
249. Banana, yes.Copy !req
250. If I forget the safe word,Copy !req
251. can I say, "No, stop,"
and then you stop?Copy !req
252. This is a rape fantasy.Copy !req
253. You need to say, "No, stop"
for me to enjoy myself.Copy !req
254. If you get scared and
you want me to stop,Copy !req
255. you have to say, "Banana."Copy !req
256. Banana.Copy !req
257. Yes, banana.Copy !req
258. Uhhhh.Copy !req
259. You know what I'm gonna do?Copy !req
260. Okay, I'm gonna go aheadCopy !req
261. and write banana down
on this note card.Copy !req
262. Okay?Copy !req
263. That way if you forget it,
you can just check the card.Copy !req
264. Or you could even just wave
the card around and I'll stop.Copy !req
265. Okay? All right?Copy !req
266. Yes, what?Copy !req
267. What if I lose the card?Copy !req
268. Okay, well you just don't
fucking lose the card.Copy !req
269. Or if you lose the card
for some ridiculous reason,Copy !req
270. you just say, "Banana,"
and I'll stop, okay?Copy !req
271. Banana.Copy !req
272. I'm gonna go
outside now, okay?Copy !req
273. I love you.Copy !req
274. I love you.Copy !req
275. Okay, good. Alright.Copy !req
276. Hello?
- Hi, Mom.Copy !req
277. Who is it?Copy !req
278. I don't know where Zach is.Copy !req
279. I think he went out to
get bananas or something.Copy !req
280. Huh?
- Yeah.Copy !req
281. - Yeah.Copy !req
282. - Yeah.Copy !req
283. - Yeah.Copy !req
284. - Yeah.Copy !req
285. - Banana!
- God dammit.Copy !req
286. Mom, call the police!
I'm being raped!Copy !req
287. What? What did you do?
Woman!Copy !req
288. Don't rape me!Copy !req
289. Gimme the phone.Copy !req
290. - Unbelievable.Copy !req
291. Hello?Copy !req
292. Hi, how are you?Copy !req
293. Zach?
- Yeah, it's me. Yeah.Copy !req
294. Nope, everything
is fine over here.Copy !req
295. No problems at all.Copy !req
296. Nothing to call
the police about.Copy !req
297. - Freeze! Get down on the ground!
- Banana!Copy !req
298. - Whoa!
- Yeah, your raping daysCopy !req
299. - are over, buddy!
- Banana!Copy !req
300. - Everybody be cool!
- Banana!Copy !req
301. - Be cool!
- Banana!Copy !req
302. - This is a misunderstanding!
- Banana!Copy !req
303. - Its just a confusing situation!
- Banana!Copy !req
304. Hello?
- Oh!Copy !req
305. What's going on?Copy !req
306. Hello? What's going on?Copy !req
307. Talk to me.Copy !req
308. Hello?Copy !req
309. Who is this?Copy !req
310. Oh. No, we just talked to
you a couple seconds ago.Copy !req
311. Oh, the police.Copy !req
312. Yeah, no, we, uh—Copy !req
313. Everything's fine now.Copy !req
314. I heard gunfire.Copy !req
315. No, no, that was them clappingCopy !req
316. for what a good job we did.Copy !req
317. Well, good job officer.Copy !req
318. Yeah, hey, where do you live?Copy !req
319. My house. Why?Copy !req
320. Nothing, it's just
sometimes in police workCopy !req
321. you have to tie up loose ends.Copy !req
322. I live at 16 Maple.Copy !req
323. Okay. Now is that unlocked?Copy !req
324. No,
but I always could get it.Copy !req
325. - Could you?
I'll see you.Copy !req
326. Alright, we'll be
over in a second.Copy !req
327. I'll start the car.Copy !req
328. Let's go.Copy !req
329. Ladies and gentlemen,
Timmy Dance.Copy !req
330. Yeah! Take it off, baby!Copy !req
331. Take it off!
Take it off!Copy !req
332. Take it off! Take it off!Copy !req
333. Take it off! Take it off!Copy !req
334. Take it off! Take it off!Copy !req
335. Take it off! Take it off!Copy !req
336. Take it off! Take it off!Copy !req
337. Take it off! Take it off!Copy !req
338. Take it off! Take it off!Copy !req
339. Take it off! Take it off!Copy !req
340. Take it off! Take it off!
Take it off!Copy !req
341. Sure am glad we got
all this pot to smoke.Copy !req
342. - Yeah, now we can get high.Copy !req
343. Yeah, I hope your mom
doesn't come home.Copy !req
344. Yeah, she would come home.
That bitch.Copy !req
345. - Yeah, she is a bitch.Copy !req
346. - You said it.
- No, you did.Copy !req
347. Now let's get smoking some pot.Copy !req
348. Alright, how many
should we take?Copy !req
349. I don't know. Four?Copy !req
350. No, I heard
some kid died off four.Copy !req
351. Then we better take three.Copy !req
352. - Three what?
- Three pots.Copy !req
353. Okay.Copy !req
354. - Mm.Copy !req
355. I can't wait to tell
the other kids at classCopy !req
356. that we got high on pot.Copy !req
357. I just heard a sound
that sounded likeCopy !req
358. my mom sounds when
she comes home.Copy !req
359. What would your mom do if
she found us high on pot?Copy !req
360. Military school!Copy !req
361. Hey, Tee, I'm back
from the church store.Copy !req
362. Oh no, Sam,
we have to hide the pot.Copy !req
363. Hide me in this bag.Copy !req
364. What?Copy !req
365. Sam, why would we
hide you in a bag?Copy !req
366. - Your mom's coming home.Copy !req
367. I'm coming
down the hallway.Copy !req
368. She's coming down the hallway!Copy !req
369. Sam, this is simple.Copy !req
370. Let's just throw
the pot under the bed.Copy !req
371. We can throw me under the bed
once I'm in the bag.Copy !req
372. - Okay?
I'm almost to your door.Copy !req
373. Quick, tie me up.
Tie me up.Copy !req
374. All right, hurry.Copy !req
375. Just be quiet.Copy !req
376. Look, I cut air holes.Copy !req
377. - You planned this?Copy !req
378. I'm turning
the doorknob.Copy !req
379. And I'm entering your room.Copy !req
380. - Hi, Tee, how was your day?Copy !req
381. I smell smoke.Copy !req
382. Uh, there's no smoke
in here, Mom.Copy !req
383. That must just be
your menopause.Copy !req
384. - Yeah, you're probably right.Copy !req
385. Hey, what's in that bag?Copy !req
386. Oh, nothing.Copy !req
387. - It's just, you know, a bag.Copy !req
388. It sure is big.Copy !req
389. It must be six feet tall.Copy !req
390. Six-four, lady!Copy !req
391. Hey, Tee, I'm almost sure
someone's in that bag.Copy !req
392. No, it's just some books
that I think I found once.Copy !req
393. Oh.Copy !req
394. Was that pot?Copy !req
395. Sorry, buddy,
had to make some room.Copy !req
396. Tee, you are grounded
for a year.Copy !req
397. Mom, Dad's having an affair
with his secretary at work.Copy !req
398. - What?Copy !req
399. I saw them making out
in the driveway one night.Copy !req
400. I can't believe it!Copy !req
401. How many years of marriage?Copy !req
402. And for this!Copy !req
403. Yeah. Kind of makes this whole
me smoking pot thingCopy !req
404. seem pretty inconsequential.Copy !req
405. Oh, I'm so angry.Copy !req
406. I'm gonna go play outside
without my pants on.Copy !req
407. - Man, oh, man.Copy !req
408. You think you know somebodyCopy !req
409. and they turn around
and they get you.Copy !req
410. Hi, honey! I'm home from work.Copy !req
411. - That's what you get, Mr. Man.Copy !req
412. What's wrong?Copy !req
413. Oh, don't "What's wrong?" me.Copy !req
414. Tee told me all about
Marla in the driveway.Copy !req
415. What are you talking about?Copy !req
416. I know everything.Copy !req
417. I cook and I clean.Copy !req
418. I forget all my friendsCopy !req
419. for how many years of marriage.Copy !req
420. And for what?Copy !req
421. Well, what about me?Copy !req
422. Are you defending yourself?Copy !req
423. I want a divorce!Copy !req
424. And I don't even wanna keep
in contact with my kidsCopy !req
425. or call them on their birthdays.Copy !req
426. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
427. this sketch really happenedCopy !req
428. seven years ago in
a small town called Branson.Copy !req
429. So why would we parade
such a horrible storyCopy !req
430. for everybody to see?Copy !req
431. Well, we here at
The Whitest Kids thinkCopy !req
432. that comedy is just
tragedy remembered.Copy !req
433. That's how us comedians come
up with these funny jokes.Copy !req
434. Like, my mom never remarried
and now battles anorexia.Copy !req
435. So what we've done is we've
put together a documentaryCopy !req
436. to show you the long journeyCopy !req
437. of the "Sam in the Bag" sketch
from real life to onscreen.Copy !req
438. We all know
the "Sam in the Bag" story.Copy !req
439. It's a good one.Copy !req
440. I was getting paranoid a lot.Copy !req
441. I had all these plans that
if anything went down,Copy !req
442. I wasn't gonna be there.Copy !req
443. And my idea of not being
there was to be in a bag.Copy !req
444. I thought it would be easierCopy !req
445. to hide the pot in your pocketCopy !req
446. or uh, anywhere, really.Copy !req
447. But Sam wanted to hide
the pot with him in the bag.Copy !req
448. And that was the original plan.Copy !req
449. But then as time went on,Copy !req
450. the hiding the pot,
uh, part was nixedCopy !req
451. and it was thrown out
onto the—the floor.Copy !req
452. Which I thought defeated
the purpose of the plan.Copy !req
453. That's when things went bad,Copy !req
454. 'cause that's when
he snitched on his dad.Copy !req
455. And it worked.Copy !req
456. 'Cause my mom got mad
and then I left.Copy !req
457. But then my dad came home and
then they started fighting.Copy !req
458. My mom threw a fit.Copy !req
459. She stormed out of the house,Copy !req
460. said we'll never see her again,Copy !req
461. and that we could all go to,
you know, and that was it.Copy !req
462. We thought that was it.Copy !req
463. And that we'd never
see her again.Copy !req
464. Um...Copy !req
465. But we were wrong because
she came back that nightCopy !req
466. and beat my father to death
while he was sleeping.Copy !req
467. Just crack, you know?Copy !req
468. So then she had to go to prison.Copy !req
469. And that just started
this whole awful, awful period.Copy !req
470. But now we're doing
a sketch about it.Copy !req
471. This was special for
me because this was a—Copy !req
472. a non-fiction sketch.Copy !req
473. And we don't usually do
non-fiction sketches, you know?Copy !req
474. So it wasn't just,
hey, let's be wacky.Copy !req
475. It was, hey,
let's try and do justiceCopy !req
476. to something that
actually happened.Copy !req
477. I always feel that
the healing has toCopy !req
478. start somewhere with my friends.Copy !req
479. Trevor, during
rehearsals was intense.Copy !req
480. I'm coming down the hallway.Copy !req
481. No!Copy !req
482. Which is good for me
as an actor, you know,Copy !req
483. because he knows what he wants.Copy !req
484. But, uh, that was
something else.Copy !req
485. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
486. What—I'm just
reading my line.Copy !req
487. Are you?Copy !req
488. I'm coming up the hallway.Copy !req
489. I'm coming up the hallway.Copy !req
490. That's what I said.Copy !req
491. I know.Copy !req
492. I'm coming down—Copy !req
493. I'm coming down the hallway.Copy !req
494. I'm coming down—Copy !req
495. Oh, I'm coming down the hallway.Copy !req
496. I'm coming down the hallway.Copy !req
497. Okay.Copy !req
498. Don't read it like a.Copy !req
499. I'm kind of jealous of people
who have had happy lives.Copy !req
500. I want to kill
everybody's parents.Copy !req
501. And I think about it a lot
and I draw it a lot.Copy !req
502. And I'm okay with that,
I've, um...Copy !req
503. I think this thing
has taught me thatCopy !req
504. I've kind of come
to accept that.Copy !req
505. I'm... I'm okay with me.Copy !req
506. And I've accepted that...Copy !req
507. I'm gonna kill a lot of people.Copy !req
508. Hi, Jim Biederman.Copy !req