1. What a lovely day
for a balloon ride.Copy !req
2. Oh, Chauncey,
it's gorgeous, like a dream.Copy !req
3. Mom and Pop, Spring is such
wonderful balloon weatherCopy !req
4. in England.Copy !req
5. How are you enjoying it,Copy !req
6. American foreign
exchange student, Sam?Copy !req
7. Ah, it's great with the hills,
and the clouds...Copy !req
8. Oh, oh, oh.Copy !req
9. I got a loaf.Copy !req
10. I'm sorry, what, huh?Copy !req
11. A loaf, a beamer.Copy !req
12. I'm sorry, I don't
think we follow you, Sam.Copy !req
13. It's BM time for
American boy over here.Copy !req
14. Got a Yankee doodle dandy.Copy !req
15. Mom and Pop, I believe
what he's trying to say isCopy !req
16. that he's got to use
the water closet.Copy !req
17. - Oh, my.
- Oh.Copy !req
18. All right, Sam. Well, how much
time do you think we have?Copy !req
19. Don't know how long it is,Copy !req
20. but I can tell you
it's moving at this speed.Copy !req
21. - Oh!
- Oh, okay, Chauncey,Copy !req
22. I do think we'd do
well to set down now.Copy !req
23. I'll prepare the riggings.Copy !req
24. How can I say this so
you Brits understand me?Copy !req
25. I gotta Chitty Chitty Dump Dump.Copy !req
26. - Uh!
- Oh.Copy !req
27. Mom and Pop, what if he
used the thermos I usedCopy !req
28. last Spring when
I had to tinkle?Copy !req
29. - Ugh.
- No, no.Copy !req
30. I need something
bigger with some girth.Copy !req
31. Like a big, big cooler.Copy !req
32. Oh!Copy !req
33. - Sam...
- Could use a funnel too.Copy !req
34. - Okay.Copy !req
35. Could really see how a tarp
would come in handyCopy !req
36. in this situation.Copy !req
37. Sam, I'm putting my foot down.Copy !req
38. You are just going
to have to hold it.Copy !req
39. Nope, no, moment
of truth here.Copy !req
40. - What are you doing?
- No.Copy !req
41. Sam, do not take
your trousers off.Copy !req
42. - Help!
- T-minus five, four...Copy !req
43. - Sam!
- Help!Copy !req
44. I'm going over the edge,
someone hold my arms.Copy !req
45. - I've got you, Sam.
- Someone hold my arms.Copy !req
46. - Hold my arms.Copy !req
47. - Grab his arms.
- Geronimo!Copy !req
48. Sam, that is ungodly.Copy !req
49. Is that real?Copy !req
50. I don't know what
that abomination is.Copy !req
51. Oh, it's still going.Copy !req
52. It's a pretty long one, huh?Copy !req
53. Sam, this is the most
bizarre thing I've ever seen.Copy !req
54. Every three feet or so it's
coming out coiled and knotted,Copy !req
55. like some sort of giant
cookie dough rope ladder.Copy !req
56. We're almost dragging.Copy !req
57. - Whoa, we're dragging!Copy !req
58. We're dragging.Copy !req
59. It's vibrating.Copy !req
60. Sam, Sam, you're going
through a school yard now.Copy !req
61. Sam, little kids are running
away from it screaming.Copy !req
62. Sam, power line, power line.Copy !req
63. Oh my.Copy !req
64. For a second there I thought
it was gonna snap back upCopy !req
65. like a giant poop tape measure.Copy !req
66. And why would it do that,
Sam, in this imaginary cartoonCopy !req
67. world that you live in?Copy !req
68. Mom and Pop, by my
calculations, we are losingCopy !req
69. so much weight from
this unspooling droplingCopy !req
70. that we're rapidly
rising in altitude.Copy !req
71. - Oh!
- Oh no!Copy !req
72. Pretty soon we'll be
skirting the stratosphere.Copy !req
73. The stratosphere!Copy !req
74. There'll be no oxygen!Copy !req
75. Here comes the wet part.Copy !req
76. It looks like this is the end
of the Whiltshire family.Copy !req
77. Not so fast, Mumsy.Copy !req
78. If Sam's BM can hold,
we could slide down it.Copy !req
79. - Shut your mouth.Copy !req
80. Well, you said
so yourself, Papa,Copy !req
81. it does sort of look
like a rope ladder.Copy !req
82. Well, if that's the only wayCopy !req
83. I can get back to all
of my money.Copy !req
84. Sam, do you think it will hold?Copy !req
85. Well, I'm only down to my
nipples, so I'm gonna say yes.Copy !req
86. Oh, God, Sam, TMI.Copy !req
87. - Here we go.Copy !req
88. - Whoa!
- Oh! Be careful.Copy !req
89. All right,
Penelope, you're next.Copy !req
90. No, must I?Copy !req
91. I'm afraid you must.Copy !req
92. Oh, okay.Copy !req
93. Oh, it feels like I thought
it was gonna feel, it's—Copy !req
94. No time, no time for
description, Penelope, just go.Copy !req
95. - Oh, oh.Copy !req
96. Oh.Copy !req
97. All right, well...Copy !req
98. it, uh, certainly was...Copy !req
99. having you stay with us,
and good luck with...Copy !req
100. and whatnot.Copy !req
101. Hey, uh, Mr. W.,Copy !req
102. can I ask you a favor?Copy !req
103. Yes.Copy !req
104. On your way down,
don't wiggle too much,Copy !req
105. it's starting to give me a chub.Copy !req
106. Also, I'd like to point out
that this is the second timeCopy !req
107. we bailed your butts out.Copy !req
108. U-S-A, U-S-A, U...Copy !req
109. U-S-A.Copy !req
110. Mr. Frank Rosenthorp...Copy !req
111. you have been found
guilty of treason,Copy !req
112. and it has been decided that
you should be put to deathCopy !req
113. by firing squad.Copy !req
114. No!Copy !req
115. Shut up.Copy !req
116. Now, do you have
any last words?Copy !req
117. Yes, just three.Copy !req
118. Okay, moving on.Copy !req
119. Firing squad, each of you
has been handed a rifle,Copy !req
120. In only one of these rifles
is there an actual bullet.Copy !req
121. This is so that
no one will knowCopy !req
122. who actually fires the shot,Copy !req
123. and that none of you
will have to bear the weightCopy !req
124. of guilt on their conscience.Copy !req
125. - Understood?
Yes.Copy !req
126. All right, now on my mark,
you'll aim at the criminal,Copy !req
127. and fire.Copy !req
128. If you dare!Copy !req
129. Shut up.Copy !req
130. All right, ready...Copy !req
131. aim...Copy !req
132. fire.Copy !req
133. Okay, nobody hit him.Copy !req
134. You have to aim.Copy !req
135. All right, whoever has
the bullet didn't hit him.Copy !req
136. Don't assume you
don't have the bullet.Copy !req
137. You still need to aim.Copy !req
138. I was aiming.Copy !req
139. Well, aim better, okay?Copy !req
140. Robertson, paying attention?Copy !req
141. All right.
- Hey, why'd you single me out?Copy !req
142. - No reason, no reason.
- I have the bullet, don't I?Copy !req
143. I didn't say that.Copy !req
144. I'm glad I didn't aim.Copy !req
145. I can't bear that guilt.Copy !req
146. Oh!Copy !req
147. Tha...Copy !req
148. Give me the gun back.Copy !req
149. Gimme the guns back.
All right...Copy !req
150. I'm shuffling the guns,
shuffling the gun.Copy !req
151. That way we don't know
who has what gun.Copy !req
152. It's all gonna be shuffled.Copy !req
153. All right, here's your gun.Copy !req
154. Here's your gun,
and here's your gun.Copy !req
155. - It's that one.
- Ah!Copy !req
156. I watched it.Copy !req
157. Give me the gun.
Give me the gun back.Copy !req
158. Give me the gun.Copy !req
159. All right,
don't watch this time.Copy !req
160. I'm shuffling.
There, no one can see me.Copy !req
161. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.Copy !req
162. You men, free me,Copy !req
163. and tie him to the post.Copy !req
164. And I shall make thee kings!Copy !req
165. Shut up.Copy !req
166. All right, here's your gun.Copy !req
167. Here's your gun.Copy !req
168. Here's your gun.
Now, let's—Copy !req
169. Don't look in there.Copy !req
170. Give me that.Copy !req
171. All right, you have this one,
and you have this one.Copy !req
172. - All right.
- Was it the one?Copy !req
173. Don't—
- No, you're good.Copy !req
174. - Uh!
- That means I probablyCopy !req
175. - have the one.
- No, it doesn't.Copy !req
176. It means either you
have it, or he has it.Copy !req
177. - I'm not gonna aim.
- You have to...Copy !req
178. Give me the guns back.Copy !req
179. So, William, Barbara says
you're quite a sailor.Copy !req
180. Oh, well, I try to
get out when I can.Copy !req
181. - Does your family have a boat?
Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
182. But, Will was captain of
the rowing team at Columbia.Copy !req
183. Ah, Columbia.Copy !req
184. - Yes, yes.
- Graduate or—or Bachelor's?Copy !req
185. Just Bachelor's.Copy !req
186. I couldn't stand another
two years of late nightsCopy !req
187. and ramen noodles.
Know what I mean?Copy !req
188. I... I didn't really
mean to do that.Copy !req
189. I didn't, I was joking.Copy !req
190. You know how people...Copy !req
191. Zach, Zach...Copy !req
192. - Zach Cregger.
- Yeah.Copy !req
193. Trevor... Trevor...Copy !req
194. - Trevor Moore.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
195. - Hey.
- How you doing?Copy !req
196. Good. I haven't seen
you in like seven...Copy !req
197. Eight, eight years since,
since senior year at Brown.Copy !req
198. - Right.
- It's good to see you.Copy !req
199. Look at you.
You look great.Copy !req
200. - Thanks.
- What do you got there?Copy !req
201. This is a gallon of PCP.Copy !req
202. Wow!Copy !req
203. A—a gallon?Copy !req
204. - Yeah.
- That—that's—Copy !req
205. that's illegal, right?Copy !req
206. - Yeah, it's a felony.
- It's a felony?Copy !req
207. Yes.Copy !req
208. Wow.
And here you are with it anyway.Copy !req
209. That is, wow.Copy !req
210. I, uh, I didn't even know
it came in liquid form.Copy !req
211. Science.Copy !req
212. Whoa. So, uh, uh,
do you do a lot of PCP?Copy !req
213. - Got a gallon.
- Yeah, I guess, I guess you do.Copy !req
214. Yeah.Copy !req
215. Wow.Copy !req
216. So what do you do?Copy !req
217. I work in an
investment firm downtown.Copy !req
218. It's mostly like
property acquisitions.Copy !req
219. Huh, that sounds successful.Copy !req
220. What do you do?Copy !req
221. Um, I work at the Binco's.Copy !req
222. I don't know what Binco's is.Copy !req
223. It's a—it's a office
supply store type thing.Copy !req
224. Secretary stuff?Copy !req
225. Eh. But, but a gallon.Copy !req
226. - Yeah.
- Here you are with a gallon.Copy !req
227. Wow. Uh, man, do you still,
uh, see—see Candace?Copy !req
228. No.Copy !req
229. Uh, she passed away.Copy !req
230. Oh, I'm—I'm sorry.Copy !req
231. I—I didn't know.Copy !req
232. How long ago did that happen?Copy !req
233. Uh, about four.Copy !req
234. About four years ago?Copy !req
235. No, PM.Copy !req
236. Four PM...Copy !req
237. as in today, four PM.Copy !req
238. That...
It's five o'clock now.Copy !req
239. - Yeah.
- So that was recent.Copy !req
240. What happened?Copy !req
241. I was at my dealer's house.Copy !req
242. - Uh huh.
- I was buying the PCP...Copy !req
243. Of course.Copy !req
244. and I didn't have enough
money for all of the gallon.Copy !req
245. Oh, it's expensive.Copy !req
246. But I wanted the whole gallon.Copy !req
247. Of course.Copy !req
248. So I, I'd set up a deal
where I would leave herCopy !req
249. - as collateral.
- Uh-oh.Copy !req
250. And I would go hit an ATM
and come right back.Copy !req
251. - I see problems.
- But, uh, you know,Copy !req
252. when I left,
I—I got distracted,Copy !req
253. and he...Copy !req
254. cut her head off.Copy !req
255. Whoa!Copy !req
256. Wow!Copy !req
257. And that happened today,
just a little while ago?Copy !req
258. Man!Copy !req
259. Are—are you okay?Copy !req
260. Are you doing all right?Copy !req
261. No, yeah, I'm—I'm good.Copy !req
262. I'm pretty high right now, so.Copy !req
263. Right, 'cause of the—
the PCP, which you have.Copy !req
264. - Yeah.
- Yes.Copy !req
265. - Yeah.
- Man...Copy !req
266. You know, I ran into
Bill the other day,Copy !req
267. and he's doing really good.Copy !req
268. I don't know Bill.Copy !req
269. You don't? That's right.
No, you wouldn't know Bill.Copy !req
270. But, uh, he's doing good.Copy !req
271. - That's good.
- Yeah, it's good to see.Copy !req
272. Good for Bill.Copy !req
273. Well, it was good
to see you, Trevor.Copy !req
274. It was nice seeing you.Copy !req
275. I gotta go.
I gotta pick my kids up.Copy !req
276. I'm running late.Copy !req
277. Oh, you have kids.Copy !req
278. You are on your way
to pick up childrenCopy !req
279. with your gallon thing.Copy !req
280. I don't want 'em
to lose their heads.Copy !req
281. Oh, you left them with
the guy, the PCP guy?Copy !req
282. No, no, they're
at soccer practice.Copy !req
283. - I'm late, they spazz.
- Oh, it was a joke.Copy !req
284. I get it.Copy !req
285. - Well.
- Good to see you.Copy !req
286. - Nice seeing you.
- Okay.Copy !req
287. - I'll tell Bill you said, "Hi."
- I don't know him.Copy !req
288. Oh, that's right, you don't.Copy !req
289. See you later.Copy !req
290. Ladies and gentlemen,
Trevor Moore in hisCopy !req
291. gross-out spectacular.Copy !req
292. What are you doing, man?Copy !req
293. What are you doing, man?Copy !req
294. What's in that bucket, man?Copy !req
295. What is it? Man...Copy !req
296. Be careful, man.
Don't smell it.Copy !req
297. - It might be gross.Copy !req
298. Don't touch it, man!Copy !req
299. Don't touch it.
You don't know what's in there.Copy !req
300. Don't drink it, please.Copy !req
301. It's probably gross.Copy !req
302. Don't drink it.Copy !req
303. Please, don't drink it.
Don't do it, man.Copy !req
304. What is it?Copy !req
305. Boogers?Copy !req
306. No!Copy !req
307. Oh, that's gro...Copy !req
308. Don't do it, man.
Don't drink boogers, man.Copy !req
309. Please. Don't do it.Copy !req
310. Please don't drink boogers.Copy !req
311. I can't...
No, please.Copy !req
312. Oh!Copy !req
313. That's fucking awesome.Copy !req
314. Oh...Copy !req
315. What are you doing?Copy !req
316. What's in that one, man?Copy !req
317. What—what is it, man?Copy !req
318. Don't do—don't drink it, dude.Copy !req
319. It's prob—
Don't put your hand in it, man.Copy !req
320. It's gotta be gross.Copy !req
321. If the other one was boogers...
Don't do it.Copy !req
322. Please, you don't
know what it is.Copy !req
323. Please, don't do it.Copy !req
324. Don't drink it.Copy !req
325. Please, don't drink it.Copy !req
326. No, don't do it.Copy !req
327. What is in there, man?
What is it?Copy !req
328. - Pee pee!Copy !req
329. No, don't do it, man!Copy !req
330. Don't dri—
Don't drink pee pee, please.Copy !req
331. Please don't do it.Copy !req
332. No, that's—
Holy fucking shit, that rules.Copy !req
333. That is awesome.Copy !req
334. What, what?Copy !req
335. What's, what are
you doing there?Copy !req
336. What's in that one?Copy !req
337. It's probably grosser than
boogers and pee pee too.Copy !req
338. Don't smell it.
What is it?Copy !req
339. Does it smell bad?Copy !req
340. Don't touch it, man.Copy !req
341. Don't touch it.
You don't know what's in there.Copy !req
342. Don't drink it.Copy !req
343. Please, don't do it.
Don't drink it.Copy !req
344. I'm begging you.
No, don't drink it.Copy !req
345. Please, don't drink
that bucket, man.Copy !req
346. Please don't drink it.Copy !req
347. What is it?Copy !req
348. Boners!Copy !req
349. No, don't drink boners.Copy !req
350. Please don't drink boners.Copy !req
351. I'm begging you, no.Copy !req
352. Don't do it.Copy !req
353. Please don't drink boners.Copy !req
354. No, man.Copy !req
355. Oh, that's the fucking
raddist shit I ever seen.Copy !req
356. What are you doing now, man?Copy !req
357. Boners...Copy !req
358. What...Copy !req
359. Pee pee...Copy !req
360. No, pee pee and boners...Copy !req
361. Boo—boogers...Copy !req
362. Boogers, and boners,
and pee pee...Copy !req
363. What, oh...Copy !req
364. Uh oh, no!Copy !req
365. Don't do it.Copy !req
366. Don't do it.Copy !req
367. Oh please, no.Copy !req
368. Don't do it, man.Copy !req
369. Fuck yes!Copy !req
370. Fuck yes!Copy !req
371. That is awesome.Copy !req
372. That's the raddist shit
I've seen in my life.Copy !req
373. Oh.Copy !req
374. Good evening, and welcome
to Point Counterpoint.Copy !req
375. Here with me tonightCopy !req
376. is Chairman of
the National Hunting Board,Copy !req
377. Mr. Jerry Brohnam.Copy !req
378. The topic, gun control.Copy !req
379. More specifically, the handgun.Copy !req
380. Most violent crimes in America
are committed with handguns.Copy !req
381. Should they be illegal?
Jerry?Copy !req
382. Of course not.Copy !req
383. As Americans, the right to
bear arms includes handguns.Copy !req
384. And besides, even if you
made handguns illegal,Copy !req
385. you wouldn't be taking 'em
out of the hands of criminals.Copy !req
386. You'd only be taking 'em
away from the good, honest,Copy !req
387. hardworking gun
collectors and hunters.Copy !req
388. And why does
a hunter need a handgun?Copy !req
389. Tons of reasons.Copy !req
390. And rifles are good and all,
but they're unwieldy.Copy !req
391. Handguns are much better for
hunting in close quarters,Copy !req
392. like an abandoned warehouse,
or a factory.Copy !req
393. And why would you be huntingCopy !req
394. in an abandoned warehouse
or factory?Copy !req
395. Say you track this big buck
to the outskirts of town,Copy !req
396. and you found that he'd made
himself a makeshift homeCopy !req
397. in the bottom of an
abandoned warehouse.Copy !req
398. With a handgun you could
easily sneak up on himCopy !req
399. and get a death shot.Copy !req
400. That way he won't
be running aroundCopy !req
401. with your daughter anymore,Copy !req
402. and filling her head
with ridiculous ideasCopy !req
403. and corrupting her character.Copy !req
404. All right, Mr. Brohnam,
you are against the banningCopy !req
405. of the armor piercing
death master.Copy !req
406. This gun can shoot
through bulletproof vestsCopy !req
407. and Kevlar, the number one
cause of police fatalitiesCopy !req
408. last year.Copy !req
409. You know, four years ago
it was only number seven.Copy !req
410. It's the fastest growing
gun on the market.Copy !req
411. - It's amazing.
- Frightening,Copy !req
412. frightening. Mr. Brohnam.Copy !req
413. Why do hunters need
to be shooting throughCopy !req
414. bulletproof vests?Copy !req
415. Really?Copy !req
416. Do I need to spell this out?Copy !req
417. Say a bunch of punk kids
go out into the woodsCopy !req
418. with a bulletproof vest, and
they strap it on a grizzly bear.Copy !req
419. Then what do you got?
Invincible bears.Copy !req
420. Is that what you want?Copy !req
421. Invincible bears running
around, raping your churches,Copy !req
422. burning your women.Copy !req
423. "Help us! Someone get all
these bears out of here.Copy !req
424. Stop these invincible bears."Copy !req
425. "I'm sorry, we threw
our special guns away."Copy !req
426. Everybody knows you
could smoosh a bearCopy !req
427. by throwing a giant
boulder on it.Copy !req
428. What if you people make
giant boulders illegal,Copy !req
429. 'cause of all innocent
people that get killedCopy !req
430. by giant boulders?Copy !req
431. People don't kill people
with giant boulders.Copy !req
432. They will if you take
away their assault rifles.Copy !req
433. All right, Mr. Brohnam...Copy !req
434. you're going to have
to explain this for us.Copy !req
435. Ladies and gentlemen, this is
a baby's skull seeking bullet.Copy !req
436. - Yep.
This bullet,Copy !req
437. once fired out of a weapon,Copy !req
438. immediately targets
the nearest baby's skull.Copy !req
439. And pah!Copy !req
440. Explain that, sir.Copy !req
441. Say there's this biker gang
called the Baby Skulls.Copy !req
442. And the Baby Skulls' thing
is they wear baby skullsCopy !req
443. around their necks.Copy !req
444. Anyway, this gang gets so
big that they take overCopy !req
445. the United States government.Copy !req
446. Then what do you got?Copy !req
447. You got biker gangs running
through the streets of America,Copy !req
448. raping your churches,
burning your women,Copy !req
449. knocking over everything.Copy !req
450. "Help us!"
Who comes to the rescue?Copy !req
451. The good, honest, God-fearing
Americans that ownCopy !req
452. baby skull seeking bullets.Copy !req
453. You can just fire anywhere,
shoot in the air.Copy !req
454. The bullets lock on, bikers
are falling left and right,Copy !req
455. and America is saved.Copy !req
456. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
457. You are a disgusting man,
and this interview is over.Copy !req
458. - I'm out of here.
- No, Brian, Brian...Copy !req
459. No, I'm serious.Copy !req
460. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
461. Ridiculous!Copy !req
462. Baby skull seeking bullets...Copy !req
463. What the hell is
he talking about?Copy !req
464. Hey, TV host, you're
gonna get a beat down.Copy !req
465. Help!Copy !req
466. Help, help!Copy !req
467. Help!Copy !req
468. Hi, Jim Biederman.Copy !req